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Understanding
and
Comforting
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Discussion
What characteristics do you
look for in someone whom you
will confide in?
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Empathy is the
process of
identifying with the
feelings of others.
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Approaches to Empathy
• Empathic Responsiveness – taking on an
emotional parallel response of another, feeling “same” the
emotion – sharing the emotion
• Perspective Taking – imagining yourself in
place of another
• Sympathetic Responsiveness – feeling
of concern, compassion or sorrow for another’s situation –
“emotional concern” or sympathy – feeling a somewhat
different, yet similar emotion
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Empathy – identifying with or
vicariously experiencing the feelings,
thoughts, or attitudes of another
Empathic response –
an emotional response parallel to
another person’s actual or anticipated
display of emotion
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Sympathetic
Responsiveness
Feeling concern, compassion, or
sorrow for another because of
the other’s situation or plight
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Perspective
Taking
Imaging oneself
in the place of
another
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How do we Empathize?
1. Actively attend to what the person is
saying.
2. Observe and understand both verbal and
nonverbal messages, using paraphrases
and perception checking to help you.
3. Draw on your experience to understand
the situation.
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Reading nonverbal
effective empathetic responses
You can do quite well, if you concentrate!
• Nonverbal primary emotions such as happiness,
sadness, surprise, anger, and fear are recognized
with greater than 90% accuracy.
• Other nonverbal embedded emotions such as
contempt, disgust, interest, determination, and
bewilderment are recognized with 80-90%
accuracy.
(Leathers, 1997, p. 41)
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Paraphrasing
(perception check)
Put your understanding of a message
into words to clarify meaning.
Content – conveys understanding of
the denotative meaning
Feeling – conveys your
understanding of the speaker’s
connotative meaning
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Effective Support Messages Steps
(research by Brant Burleson, Purdue University)
•
•
•
•
•
•
Show your intention to help.
Provide acceptance and positive regard.
Express situation interest.
Show empathy and understanding.
Make yourself available.
Be an ally.
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Supporting messages – a statement
whose goal is to show approval,
bolster, encourage, soothe, console, or
cheer up
• Recognize others’ good feelings and affirm their
right to have them.
• Give comfort when a person has negative
feelings.
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8 Effective Support Messages Steps
(research by Brant Burleson, Purdue University)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
•
Clearly state the aim is to help
Express acceptance for the other
Demonstrate care, and interest in
the other’s situation
Indicate you are available to listen
and support
State that the speaker is an ally
Acknowledge the other’s feelings
and situation and express sincere
sympathy
Assure the other that feelings are
legitimate
Encourage the other to elaborate
Research shows effective comforters
have better long-term relationships.
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Ineffective Support Messages
• Condemning and/or criticizing the other person’s
feelings and behavior
• Imply that the other person’s feelings are not
warranted
• Don’t tell the other how to feel
• Don’t focus attention on the yourself
• Never intrude by representing a level of concern
greater than is appropriate within the relationship
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Interpreting (Framing)
Information
and
Experiences
Reframes
information to
help the other
understand from
a different
perspective
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Framing
• “My parents told me I couldn’t go to Mexico with
my roommates over Break. They don’t trust me.”
• “I never had a curfew when I was in high school.
My parents could care less what time I made it
home.”
• “My parents are making me pay my own tuition.
They’ve got plenty of money. They’re just too
selfish.”
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Framing
• “My boss wouldn’t let me take off yesterday. She
just can’t stand the thought of someone having
fun while she’s working.”
• “I’ve sent three e-mails to my math professor
asking her for help. She hasn’t answered one of
them. The jerk.”
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Using Other-Centered Messages
• Ask questions that prompt the person to
elaborate on what happened
• Emphasize your willingness to listen to an
extended story
• Use vocalized encouragement and non-verbal
behavior to communicate continued interest
• Affirm, legitimize, and encourage exploration of
feelings expressed by partner
• Demonstrate the you understand but avoid
changing the focus to you.
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Feedback
Self-disclosure
• Verbal and physical
• Sharing biographical
data, personal ideas
responses to people
and/or their messages and feelings that are
unknown to the
other person
▫ Opening up the
“Secret” Johari
Window to another.
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Known
Johari Window
to self
Known to
others
Not known
to others
Not known
to self
Open
Blind
Secret
Unknown
W, p. 271; V / V, p. 76
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Appropriate Self-disclosure
Order Chronologically:
• Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually.
• Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is
reciprocated.
• Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to
disclose to you
• Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for
ongoing relationships
• Self-disclose more intimate information only when you
believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk
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Levels of Self-Disclosure
• Informal cultures (Americans) disclose more about
themselves. (Low-Power Distance Cultures)
• Formal cultures (Germans & Japanese) disclose less.
(High-Power Distance Cultures)
• Across cultures, when relationships become more
intimate, self-disclosure increases.
• The more partners disclose to each other, the more
they are attracted to each other. Caution! ! !
• Women disclose more than men.
• Both men & women disclose more intimate
information to women.
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Reciprocal
self-disclosure
has the greatest
positive effects.
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Microsoft Photo
Women tend to engage in
“rapport talk” to share
experiences and establish bonds.
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Microsoft Photo
Men tend to engage in “report talk” to
share information, negotiate, and
preserve independence.
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Masking Feelings
Displaying Feelings
Concealing verbal orExpressing feelings
nonverbal cues that through facial reactions,
would enable others body responses, or
to understand how a paralinguistic reactions
person is feeling
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Describing Feelings
• Describing feelings is the skill of naming the
emotions you are feeling without judging them
• Describing feelings increases the likelihood of
having a positive interaction and decreases the
chances of creating defensiveness
• BUT…many people don’t describe their feelings
regularly. Why?
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Withholding feelings
• Leads to physical problems – ulcers & heart
disease.
• Leads to psychological problems – stress &
depression.
• Is perceived as cold & not much fun.
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Displaying feelings
• Positive displays, hugs, reinforce the point we
care.
• Serves as an escape valve for very strong
emotions.
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Why
Don’t
Wethat
Describe
• People
believe
when they Feelings?
say “I feel” they are
•
•
•
•
•
evaluating others.
No active vocabulary for describing feelings – p.240
Afraid that describing feelings makes you vulnerable
Afraid that if you describe your feelings you will be
judged
Afraid to harm relationship
Some cultures encourage members to mask their
feelings
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Personal Feedback
Praise
Highlights
positive
behaviors and
accomplishments
Constructive
Criticism
Identifies
negative
harmful
behaviors
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Giving Constructive Criticism
• Describe the behavior by accurately recounting
precisely what was said or done, without labeling
the behavior good or bad, right or wrong.
• Preface a negative statement with a positive one
whenever possible.
• Be as specific as possible.
• When appropriate, suggest how the person can
change the behavior.
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Asking for Criticism
• Think of criticism as being in your best interest.
• Before you ask, make sure that you are ready for
an honest response.
• If you take the initiative to ask for criticism, you
will avoid surprises.
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How to Get Good Feedback
•
•
•
•
Specify the kind of criticism you are seeking.
Don’t act negatively to the criticism.
Paraphrase what you hear.
Give reinforcement to those who take your
requests for criticism as honest requests. Thank
them!
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Describe how a person can know
that trusting another person with
confidential information is appropriate?
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Disclosure & Feedback Skills
Disclosure
Self-disclose the kind of information
you want others to disclose to you
1.
Self-disclose more intimate
information only when you believe the
disclosure represents an acceptable risk
2.
Feedback
1. Describe Your Feelings
•
•
•
2. Own your Feelings – Use “I”
3. Give Effective Feedback
Continue intimate self-disclosure
only if it is reciprocated.
•
•
•
Move self-disclosure to deeper levels
gradually.
•
3.
4.
Identify what triggers your feelings
Mentally name your emotion – be specific
Verbally own the feeling
Describe the Behavior – be specific
Highlight Positive Behavior
Identify Negative (harmful) Behavior thru
Constructive Criticism
Suggest How to Change the Behavior
Reserve intimate or very personal
self-disclosure for ongoing relationships
5.
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Exercise:
“WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
FROM A BLOND?”
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Mark and Maria
Directions: View Mark and Maria’s dialogue. Do Mark and
Maria equally self-disclose? What do you think of the
feedback that Maria offers Mark? Did you find it
constructive or harmful? In your opinion, is this a
relationship that is on a fast track toward friendship?
Explain. Is Maria the type of person you would choose as
a friend? Explain.
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