Bryant McCallson
Dr. Carolyn Clark
COMM 2110
Final Project
December 6th 2012
Overview
There is an old Turkish proverb that states, “if speaking is silver, then listening is
gold.” This statement rings true on so many levels. Listening is an critical aspect of
interpersonal communication. If we do it properly we better understand our
communication partner, not just what they say, but who they are. Only through effective
listening is it possible to come to a complete understanding of our partner. In this paper
I hope to discuss my short journey to becoming a better listener. There are many things
that I struggle with when it comes to listening. I want to discuss some strategies that I
feel help overcome some of the listening barriers that I myself create. I also would like
to share the some of the challenges I face in everyday listening situations. I will not say
that I am a perfect communicator because I understand a few strategies in being an
effective listener, I am far from it. What is far more important is implementation, and I’d
like to show a few examples of how I was able to implement these strategies into my
communication and the results that came from utilizing these listening strategies. I
would also like to share some closing recommendations that helped me remember to be
a good listener at a very basic level.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
When someone is talking to me I often find it hard to listen to them for several
reasons. The first being sometimes it seems like they go on and on; I begin to ignore
there embellishment and get lost in my own thoughts. A great example would be with
one of my professors. He and I have a lot of time to talk and sometimes he just has so
much to say. There are many things he says that are important, but at the same time
there is much that is background info or expounding that is not needed to understand
his message. So when he starts on one of those tangents I sometimes go into “La La
Land” and miss most of what he says. This poses a problem when he, like a good
speaker should, checks for understanding. I’ll hear, “did you get all that?” This puts me
in an awkward place because truthfully I did not, but I don’t want him to feel like I don’t
value him, because that is simply not true. So I can say that I did but then I miss out on
some important lesson he was trying to teach me.
Another challenge I face is that there are so many things competing for my
attention that I miss out on critical things being said. This is known as noise. “Noise is
anything that interferes with a message and keeps it from being understood.” (Beebe,
2008, pg. 9) There is a lot of noise in my home. I often find myself on the computer
browsing the web and listening to music, somebody else is watching TV and there is a
conversation going on all in the same room. When somebody comes up and talks to me
I get so distracted by all the things going on that I’m lucky if I get a third of what they
said. I am left with only a small amount of needed information and have to figure out a
way to get the rest or manage without it.
The final challenge I’d like to address is a matter of pride. It is a huge hindrance
to being an effective listener. I’m sure we have all been guilty of this at some point.
Sometimes I honestly just do not understand what the person is trying to say to me, but
I want them to think I am intelligent and an effective communicator, so I say that I
understood even when I didn’t. This doesn’t help me or the speaker. It just creates
disappointment when I fail to do as they asked and embarrassment for me. This is
obviously a problem that needs to be addressed.
Strategies
There are many things that we can do to become effective listeners, but I think
that the most basic thing is to recognize what kind of communicator we are as well as
what kind our partner is. There are four basic types of communicators, found in
Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, people-oriented, action-oriented,
content-oriented and time-oriented.
1.
People-oriented listeners are very empathetic. They listen to other people and
strive to understand them on a personal level. They understand the thoughts and
feelings of others. Basically they listen to feel a connection with the other person.
(Beebe, 2008, pg.129) I am an adequate people-oriented listener, but I only really
use it when a loved one comes to me with a problem.
2.
Action-oriented listeners prefer information to be organized. They like their partner
to get straight to the point. To them communication should be efficient and error
free. We’d prefer to cut though all the embellishment and get to the point (Beebe,
2008, pg. 129) I feel that for the most part, especially when receiving instruction, I
am this kind of listener. I hate talking on the phone I just want people to tell me
why they called, say bye and hang up.
3.
Content-oriented listeners are comfortable listening to complex information. They
like the little details and focus on them. When speech is vague they are less likely
to accept what the speaker is saying. (Beebe, 2008, pg.129-130) If you have read
J.R.R. Tolkien he was probably this kind of communicator. His books are filled
minute details and he goes on forever painting his picture with words. I love the
books but they can be tedious for me at points because I am not this type of
listener at all.
4.
Time-oriented listeners are acutely aware of the time that they have to speak with
you. They like their messages quick and to the point. Unlike an action-oriented
listener it is because they feel that they have other things to do and not just
because that is how they like their information. (Beebe, 2008, pg.130) I would not
say that I am often this type of listener. I like my messages to the point but it is
rarely because I feel that I have other pressing matters.
When we can recognize what kind of listener we are and what kind our partner is
we can adapt our speech or implement other listening skills to be effective in a range of
scenarios. We can select what our listening style would be based on whom we are
speaking with. (Beebe, 2008, pg.130)
When someone is droning on and on it is important to recognize the differing
speech to thought rate. We think a lot faster than people can speak and we can utilize
the speed of our thoughts to focus on the content of the message and relating it to
ourselves rather than thinking about other things that are on our minds. (Beebe, 2008,
pg.134) As an action-oriented listener this is very important for me. I can use this to pick
out what I need to know and evaluate what they are saying all whilst they are speaking.
This allows me to discard information that I do not need and to access and assess
critical information others are sharing with me.
Another strategy is to remove external noise from my conversations if at all
possible. I will try to focus on multiple things and fail. I am not good at multi-tasking. By
turning off the TV, Computer or Radio I can better control my listening environment and
avoid information overload. I need to remove distractions so that I will be able to avoid
shifting my attention when I should be listening. Simply making eye contact can help
minimize external noise. (Beebe, 2008, pg.135-136) When we have so much going on
we can get lost in it all. It makes it so much easier to listen to others when we get away
from all the other attention getters and it really shows them that we value them more
than anything else we could be doing right now. This will help us to form more
meaningful and deep relationships with those that we care about, as well as make them
value us more as a communication partner and person.
Finally we can paraphrase and ask questions to make sure that we have
understood what was communicated effectively. If there is any error in communication
this allows the listener to express it and the speaker to clarify. Through paraphrasing
and asking questions we can really come to a mutual understanding. (Beebe, 2008, pg.
140) I feel that if we can use this we will also be focused on the communicator so we
know what to paraphrase or how to ask a thought provoking question. For me it is
important to realize that while I may feel like I look stupid paraphrasing or asking a
question that it will be far more embarrassing when the person asks me why I failed
them.
Constraints
I feel that when it comes to listening the hardest thing is just to remember what
you need to do in order to be the most effective listener. There are many strategies that
talked about and it is hard to always remember them. Especially in unplanned
conversations. It was just a challenge to make that conscious effort to apply all of these
strategies in listening scenarios.
A big worry for me was that I wouldn’t be able to identify what kind of oriented
communicator they would be. action, people, context or time? When you understand
what kind they are you can mentally prepare yourself for conversation with them and
adjust what you say and how you listen to fit the scenario. If you can’t figure it out then
you are going to have trouble.
Another Challenge I faced was external noise that I have no control over.
Sometimes there are distractions that I just can’t do anything about and they are
sometimes really hard to deal with. They can render communication useless unless they
are properly addressed.
Implementation
The biggest challenge in implementation of these strategies was just
remembering them and consciously making an effort to use them. At first what I had to
do was read them from my personal change proposal and study them. This helped
cement the strategies in my head so I could use them in conversation. For the first while
I could not implement the difference in speech to thought to analyze what the speaker
was saying because I was using that difference in time to think about how to use the
other strategies. After I got better at recognizing what type of communicator they were,
paraphrasing and asking questions, I was able to implement the difference in speech to
thought analyze what they said. It takes a huge amount of conscious effort at first but
with practice you think about it less and less until it becomes second nature. It is
important to go back and assess how you did though because I often found myself
slipping back into old habits.
At first I had a really hard time figuring out what orientation of communicator they
were. I just had couldn’t figure it out especially with new people. It is really hard to just
place that kind of label on a person especially when I know that I’m not always an
action-oriented communicator. Then I decided to instead of trying to assign them an
attribute I would compare them with someone who I knew was a certain type. For
example: when talking with a girl who just met I thought to myself “she is talks a lot like
my step-dad I bet she is a people-oriented communicator.” I was then able to focus the
conversation more on feeling rather than information. Or I’ll compare them to my mother
who is action-oriented or my grandmother who is content-oriented. This so far has
worked really well and I can quickly assess what I need to do to communicate best with
them.
Finally removing external noise. At first I was just concerned with myself. If I was
on the computer and my dad started talking to me I would turn away from the computer,
mute my music and make eye contact. This helped tremendously and it was very simple
to do, but I was still getting distracted by other things going on. Like the TV show my
little brother was watching. In some situations I found it best to remove the conversation
from the noise. It was a little awkward at first but the best way I found to do this was to
ask to change location to a more appropriate one, or to ask if we could talk about it at a
more appropriate time.
Results
I am so pleased with the outcome of this assignment. I feel that I have really
made great strides to becoming a better listener. I still make mistakes in these arias and
I am far from perfect in many other arias of communication as well. I feel that all of the
strategies I implemented from the text worked marvelously. The text for the class is very
simple and easy to implement. I often return books after I use them for a class, but I
really want to hang on to this one because it has so much that really matters to me.
Communication is something that happens everyday and it is unavoidable so I might as
well get as good at it as I can.
Recommendations
I plan to continue working on the strategies that I have implemented over the
course of this assignment. I often after a conversation remember that I missed to do
something. I go back and think about how I could have used it how it might have
changed the conversation. It is ok to make mistakes. The most important thing is that
we recognize them and use them to help us better ourselves.
I really want to build upon the principles I learned in this course. For example,
along with what I have already accomplished with my listening skills, I know I
sometimes have a problem being a Self absorbed listener. I will get excited by
something someone else said and cut them off and run them over with what I want to
say about the topic. It is a really bad habit and it has honestly hurt some of my
relationships. I will add that to my list of strategies and make a conscious effort to better
myself in that regard.
Works Cited
Beebe et al. (2008). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson
[Allyn & Bacon].
Turnitin.com ID Number: 290514922