Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to
identify, use, understand and manage
emotions. It affords an individual the ability to: relieve
stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others,
overcome challenges and defuse conflict. It has a
tremendous impact on a person’s behavior and how
they interact with others.
Why do some people who have high
IQs have difficulty succeeding in life?
High intellectual functioning and
emotional intelligence are mutually
exclusive. An “intelligent” individual
may be thinking, behaving and communicating in a way
that hinders their chances to succeed. If they do not
have the ability to identify thoughts and feelings and
empathize with others they may not possess the
building blocks of what they need to form effective
interactions and relationships with others.
Can a parent help their child become more
emotionally intelligent?
Good News! EI can be nurtured. There are
certain skills which can be taught to increase a child’s
efficacy in this area. It should be noted that each
individual’s make-up may determine the extent to
which lessons can be incorporated.
EI Developmental Expectations:
Early Elementary- Children at this stage should learn to
recognize and accurately label their emotions and how
they lead them to act.
Late Elementary- Lessons in empathy should enable
children to identify the non-verbal cues to how
someone feels.
Middle School- They should be able to analyze what
creates stress for them or what motivates their best
performance.
High School- They should be demonstrating the skills to
listen and talk in order to resolve conflict instead of
escalating ( doesn’t mean they will always do it) and
have some skills to negotiate a win-win solution.
Books to Help Kids Develop EI:
The premier researcher in this field is Daniel Goleman
and his book on the subject is called, Emotional
Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ
Children’s Books on the subject are:
Feelings by Aliki
When Sophie gets Angry- Really, Really Angry, by
Molly Bang
Story of My Feelings by Laurie Berkner
The Way I Feel, by Janan Cain
Series of books by Elizabeth Crary
How Are You Feeling? By Saxton Freymann
Today I Feel Silly, by Jamie Lee Curtis
Mean Soup, by Betsy Everitt
No Matter What, by Debi Gliori
Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon, by Patty Lovell
Two Monsters, by David Mckee
Grody’s Not So Golden Rules, by Nicole Rubel
Nurturing Emotional Intelligence
1. Acknowledge your child’s perspective and
empathize.
Helping them feel understood will help them let go of
troubling emotions. You don’t have to agree, just
acknowledge, “It’s hard for you…”, “ You are mad and
hurt….”
This supports EI because you are helping them with one
of the fundamental building blocks which is the ability
to identify their own feelings. Also children develop
empathy by experiencing it from others.
2. Allow Expression.
The fact that a youngster’s impulse-control circuitry has
not ripened does not give a “pass” for misbehavior, BUT
it does mean adults need to play a more active role in
helping youngsters learn how to do the right thing.
Instead of denying or minimizing the child’s emotion
they need to be taught the full range of feelings is
understandable and part of being human, even while
some actions must be limited.
This supports EI because it encourages a child’s ability
to regulate their own emotions. It universalizes the
child’s experience and helps them feel less isolated.
3. Listen to your child’s feelings.
Breath through it, stay present, and resist the urge to
make those troublesome feelings go away. This will help
your child connect with their instinctive self-soothing
techniques. “You seem so unhappy right now.
Everybody gets upset sometimes…I’m right here. Tell
me about it.”
This supports EI because it shows the child that you are
not overwhelmed with behavior that they are finding so
scary. By helping them to feel safe we help them trust
the process so they can handle their own emotions as
they get older.
4. Teach problem solving skills.
Children need to be taught skills to resolve how strong
emotions make them feel. We can help them brainstorm
ideas, practice their use and then support their
utilization in real life. Children’s brains absorb lessons
and when they are repeated, they shape the child’s
brain. The more a child learns to delay gratification or
impulse, the stronger the circuitry becomes.
This supports EI because it teaches children to shift
gears to find constructive solutions to problems. That
takes practice and modeling on our part. Teaching kids
to honor their feelings as signals about things they need
to handle differently in their lives empowers kids.
5. Play it out.
Use play with younger children, role playing with an
older child to help break a negative pattern which is
developing.
This supports EI because emotionally healthy kids
process feelings through play. Helping your child play
out their big inner conflicts lets him resolve them so
that they can move on to the next age-appropriate
developmental challenge. They may be able to resolve
things in play that they do not have words for.