Divorce is a painful and ugly mess. Let's face it, if yours was going well, you wouldn't
have downloaded this report. The good news is, you are not alone and there are secrets
to having a drama free divorce. Below are three secrets that can change the way you
experience divorce. Read them, share them with friends and open up your mind to the
possibility that you can divorce with dignity.
What is a divorce coach anyway?
When you think of coaching, you probably think about sports teams. Coaches teach
players all about the game and have expert advice about how to win. Coaches teach
techniques, can see the whole game from the sidelines and can help tweak your
performance so you have the best possible outcome. Life Coaching is a practice that is
highly popular right now. Coaches are used to help people land the best jobs, navigate
their goals and reach their highest potential. Divorce coaching is a niche that deals
directly with the issues men and women face during separation and divorce.
When I went through my divorce, I was drug through a financial and emotional knot
hole. I made a lot of mistakes because I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with what was
happening. I didn't know important information about the legal processes of divorce and
I was scared to death by the unknown aspect of child custody, division of property and
financial support. Like you, I had to make important legal decisions while
simultaneously dealing with the wide range of emotions I was feeling. One minute I
would be fine and the next I was swimming in a sea of stress and sadness. There is no
doubt that I needed the guidance and support of a neutral person who could tell me what
was going to happen and offer me some solid advice about how to conduct myself when
I was filled with so many negative emotions.
After the divorce dust settled, I realized all the ways that I suffered needlessly because I
didn't have proper guidance through my divorce experience. As an author and speaker, I
began to talk about my experience and a flood gate opened up. I started meeting with
people who were going through a divorce and wanted information and practical advice
that would minimize the pain that comes with divorce. Over time, I combined 16 years
of working in the mental health field with my passion for life coaching and Faydra,
America's Divorce Coach was born.
So now you are going through a divorce. You are the one full of emotions and probably
pretty raw. You may be getting a lot of advice and that can be dangerous. Most well
meaning friends and family are basing their advice on what they went through and it
may not apply to your situation. Attorney's are helpful but they are expensive and they
aren't interested in the emotional side of what you are going through, but the truth is
your emotions are probably driving every decision you are making.
What you need is neutral education, support and guidance while you are going through
your divorce. It is more productive for you to seek the guidance of a trained professional
who can prevent you from making the common mistakes in the divorce process than to
rely on friends and family who are too emotionally attached to your situation. Your
divorce is as unique as your marriage was. There are many aspects that are specific to
who you are and what you have going on, but there are also elements that are common
to every divorce that need attention as well.
Divorce Coach Secret: Nothing about divorce is fair, so get over it
It doesn't matter if you are asking for the divorce or your ex is telling you it is
happening. At some point, you will see that divorce is not fair. There is no referee who
comes out and judges what happens and gives a penalty for unfair tactics. Morality flies
out of the window and the person you vaguely remember marrying may be as far away
from who they were in your eyes than the East is from the West.
Some of what you do may make you cringe at some point and often times much of what
your ex does seems down right unexplainable. The fact is that divorce brains are not
sound. They are full of unfiltered emotions, taxing decisions about money, child custody
or even custody of family pets. Family and friends are in your head filling you with
things you should and shouldn't do and depending on the issues revolving around why
you are divorcing, you may be fighting mad at the mere sight of your ex.
My first divorce was more or less a personal tragedy. My young husband had a mental
breakdown from the stressors of being in the military and having a new family.
Unbeknownst to either of us, he suffered with a hereditary mental illness that cropped up
in what should have been the best time of his life. In the moment, I didn't have the
compassion that I should have had for him. I was mad that I had an infant, had given my
life to this marriage and at the age of twenty one I was facing life as a single mom. In
my spirit, I was scared and felt like everyone was judging me. No one my age was
divorced and I certainly couldn't see myself dating when I a baby was part of my
package. Though we had literally nothing to divide as far as property goes, we were
young, influenced by friends and attorney's and we slung what little mud we had until
the marriage was dissolved.
I look back and realize that mental illness was not fair. No one stepped up and gave me
an easier time raising my daughter alone because my husband had an illness he couldn't
prevent. I am not sure I understood at such a young age that there was no reason for me
to blame him for being unable to stay married. There are some things only time can
show you.
My second divorce was nasty. My husband had an affair. I was livid, emotionally a train
wreck and hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. Everything about my divorce felt
unfair. How he behaved, how she behaved and I felt self-righteous about how I behaved.
We were all wrong. I could write a whole book about how I worked through the anger
and pain of being left for another woman who had been my friend. The fundamental
thing I would say in that book was I had to chose, sometimes over and over again, to
acknowledge that it was ending in a way that was not fair, but I still mattered. I had to
forgive the divorce gods for making me collateral damage for their cheating mistakes. I
wanted things to be fair. I needed it to be fair and it never, ever became fair. To this day,
with all I have become since that time, all of my successes and all of the people I have
helped, it still is not fair that my family went through that, but when I accepted that it
was never going to be fair, I felt much less pain.
I work with men and women all the time who are so angry about how their divorce
experience is happening. Men and women who tell me how nice they are being. How
accommodating they are trying to be, but that it just isn't fair. No matter what they do,
they don't feel reciprocated for their efforts. They never will. There is no tit-for-tat or
quid pro quo in divorce. It is designed to be self-serving and winner take all focused.
America's Divorce Coach Wisdom: You can expect in each divorce, inevitable, unfair
things are going to happen. What I submit to you is this. Everything in life simply is until
we attach a meaning to it. Nothing is either good or bad until you label it as such. When
you get to the place where what ever your ex does, both for you or against you, it doesn't
define you, then you are emotionally divorced.
Divorce Coach Secret: Get to know yourself
How well do you know yourself? I am willing to bet that you have never spent much
time with yourself, completely alone, for a significant amount of time. I bet that you
know things about yourself, but you probably haven't really tapped into who you are.
Sometimes people divorce quickly. One of my marriages took three years to happen and
a matter of months to be over. Another marriage lasted ten years. Overall, I was married
at the age of 19 and on my own for the first real time at age 34. I defined myself as a
wife and mother for all of my adult life. If you asked me about myself, my reply was in
direct relation to either a husband or a child. If you pushed me, maybe I would define
myself by my career in mental health. Other than that, I really honestly didn't know who
I was.
I did my most significant growing after I was 34 years old. How I lived in my thirties
changed my life in the best of ways. It offered my healing, created a career path and
ended up today being married to the love of my life in a healthy relationship that I know
surpasses all my expectations. None of the successes I have had, after all the loss I
faced, would have been possible if I didn't truly get to know myself.
When I survived divorce number two, I was an angry mess. I was a bonafide man hater
and I knew I was no good to be with anyone in a relationship. I was proud to be a
mother and an employee and after that, I wasn't interested in any other type of
relationship. Initially, I started doing things on my own out of necessity. I was depressed,
negative and uninterested in being around other people. I was consumed with feeling
betrayed and angry and I just didn't have much to offer anyone in the way of friendship
or companionship. Because I was at odds with my ex, I was the primary caretaker for
my two daughters and I didn't have a whole lot of time to cultivate relationships and
when I was alone, I didn't have any personal experience with entertaining myself so I
didn't know what to do with my time.
At some point in my situation. I began to truly hunger to move on from my bitterness. I
started exercising, eating better and instead of seeing myself as someone left behind, I
started toying with the idea that perhaps I was someone worth knowing. Over time I
started literally asking myself questions. I became philosophical about all things Faydra.
What did I believe? What were my preferences? How did I want to live my life? In the
grocery store, I started asking myself what I wanted for dinner. At the video store, I
realized I could pick the movie I was interested in. At some point, I gathered up the
courage to go to the movie theater and watch a movie, by myself. It wasn't long after that
I was going to restaurants and traveling by myself. Somehow I broke free from the belief
that things were only fun if someone was there to experience it with you. I learned that
my own companionship was enjoyable and that I didn't need to fill the empty time in my
life with another person trying to negotiate and compromise every decision.
When I got to know myself, I learned what mattered to me. What I like, what I don't. I
learned my value and that translated to how I allowed other people to value me. I
increased my self worth by reducing my exposure to other people. I read a lot of books, I
wrote in journals and blogs and I searched out ways to heal my pain. I was smart enough
to know that my anger was justified but didn't serve any real purpose. It was holding me
back. I got therapy, I learned to let go of things that may never be resolved in the way
that feels like justice. I learned that my ex is human, he has sadness, loss and regret in
his life that I may never get the satisfaction to hear, but in humanizing him, I healed
myself with my own kindness.
Getting to know yourself is one of the greatest investments in your emotional divorce.
The process will be messy at first. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. If you are
prone to negative self talk, it can be hard to be alone and not tear yourself apart. If you
are a negative person, you may want to engage in some sort of therapy to help change
your way of thinking.
If you tend to ruminate in the pain and suffering you feel in your situation, you may
benefit from engaging in some form of strenuous activity. Many of the men and women
I work with have found it beneficial to run, take kick boxing or long hikes to clear their
head. Our bodies are made to help us through the natural cycles of emotional discord.
When you get your heart rate up, you release natural endorphins that ease stress and
clear your mind. Some call it the runners high. I call it your inner you breaking through
the divorce drama. It is perfectly normal to engage in activities where you can unlock all
of the emotions you have and let them out. Imagine yourself running on a lovely country
street processing through all of your thoughts about your divorce. The feel of the air in
your lungs and the sense of going somewhere as you run along. The added benefit of
mental fitness is that your body begins to look and feel great too.
America's Divorce Coach wisdom: Clients who have made a habit of engaging in
meaningful exercise have reported that it has helped them emotionally stabilize their
minds. A few have even gone on to run in races to commemorate their breakthroughs
and growth.
Divorce Coach Secret: Wishing Joy And Success Upon Your Ex
It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to realize one simple truth. You want your ex
to be happy, healthy, wealthy and in love. Even if you are divorced because you ex
cheated, swindled you or otherwise left the marriage in a shady way, it is to your benefit
to pray, wish and hope that their life is as prosperous and healthy as possible.
It is completely contradictory to all common sense to wish that your ex have a happy
life. It chaps your ass, makes you seethe and believe it or not, predicts your future. The
fact is that happy people do not waste their time making others miserable. Happy people
don't squabble about the little things, don't put their noses into your business and don't
care how prosperous you are.
The Bible, Oprah, Dr. Wayne Dyre and most religions teach that forgiveness is divine.
That praying for and wishing well for others is the key to happiness. It's the truth. When
you do what you can to make sure that your ex is happy you will reap huge benefits. If
your ex is focused on thier love life, they won't care about yours. If you ex has
meaningful employment and fulfilling hobbies, they won't care if you are making
millions without them.
When I got divorced, my spouse had been having an affair for a long time. Our children
were young, we had a prosperous business and a good reputation where we lived. At 32,
I was a young mother who did not have the wisdom to survive the emotional side of my
divorce. I made a lot of mistakes I am helping you to avoid now. I let my anger get the
best of me. I wanted heads to roll for putting me through the financial and emotional
knot holes of divorce. I lived in a small town and the simple sighting of my ex and the
“woman” required me to use lamaze breathing techniques to get through the moment. I
spent years angry, resentful and vengeful. I fantasized regularly about the ruin of my ex.
I wanted him to feel the pain I felt.
After a lot of reading, therapy, soul searching and later coaching others through their
divorces, I realized that when my ex was happiest, he treated me better. Initially, I hated
it when he was happy because it added insult to my injuries, my salt filled wounds
screamed at the injustice of it all, but it was up to me to see his happiness as my gain
too. When my ex was happier, he was more willing to co-parent. When my ex was
financially stable, he was more helpful with extras for our daughter. When his life went
well, he was just easier to deal with. I am not going to tell you that if your ex hits the
lottery or falls in love that they will morph into a non-confrontational, generous person
who forgoes child support because they doesn't need the extra income, but I am telling
you that hurting people hurt other people and misery loves company. So anything you
can do to support their happiness will only bring you an easier time.
America's Divorce Coach Wisdom
It takes courage to wish someone well that doesn't deserve your positive thoughts. It
takes a stable person with their head on straight and their heart in a better place
forgive those their trespasses. If you are bitter about your divorce, you are better off
dealing with and healing the issues that keep you rooted in anger. Your divorce coach
can help you identify thinking that is bitter, not better for you. Once you are clear
about how you feel and why you can take direct action to rid yourself of your anger
and get past the pain of your divorce and onto the better life you deserve.
There you have it- three of the best secrets I have to a drama free divorce. These secrets
come from my new book available on Amazon Divorce- No Nonsense, Practical
Advice For Men and Women. It's a flip book with info for Men on the blue side and
info for women on the pink side. Read both sides and get all the best advice and a leg up
on the opposite sex. You can find the book on my website, americasdivorcecoach.us
Faydra Koenig, MA is a mental health professional, author, speaker, podcaster
and certified life coach. She works with men and women to help them avoid the
pitfalls of divorce and get the lives they deserve. You can find Faydra's podcast,
Coming Out Of The Fire, on iTunes. Find her on the web
at www.americasdivorcecoach.us and look for her books on Amazon. She is a
weekly newspaper columnist for her hometown news paper, the Red Bluff Daily
News where she inspires her audience to make lasting changes in their lives.
A child of abuse and neglect, Faydra rose above her circumstances to make her
mess a message. After surviving the affects of divorce and raising her children
as a single mom, she became the go-to life coach for men and women
experiencing divorce. She has practical and no-nonsense methods that help
families ditch all the divorce drama and reclaim their dignity. She lives in
Northern California with her family.