Trust vs. Mistrust
January 11, 2009
I’ve always been fascinated by infant studies that show children’s increased
abilities derived from experiences before they could even open their eyes, or
in some cases, before they were even born.
Babies’ growth and development in the womb is a remarkable experience.
At the beginning of the second month of pregnancy, these little one's eyes,
nose and ears are clearly visible through ultrasound, and by the fifth month,
the baby's hearing has fully developed. Their ability to recognize familiar
voices in the outside environment is quickly established.
We know that the fetus in the womb is able to hear fully only 20 weeks after
conception. And now we have discovered that babies can remember and
prefer music that they heard before they were born over 12 months later.
Prenatal stimulation through music heard regularly while in the womb may
well provide some babies with a sense of confidence and relaxation after
they're born. That’s why more and more couples are playing music to their
babies in the womb.
One other interesting study is the practice of infant swimming. Perhaps you
are familiar with this. You can see all kinds of videos on line of parents and
their newborns in the swimming pool. Infants have a natural tendency to
hold their breath when under the water but they don’t yet have the ability to
raise their head above the waterline to continually breathe. While it may not
necessarily be true that we can just throw babies in the water and expect
them to do the backstroke, we do know that the younger children are taught
to swim, the easier they pick it up. The American Academy of Pediatrics
has recommended that children begin swimming lessons around age 4.
I was talking with a swimming instructor at the pool last week and he told
me that they love getting kids younger rather than older. “It’s so much
easier to teach younger children how to swim,” he said. “It helps to get them
as young as possible because they follow their instincts and behave more
naturally in water. They are more trusting and allow you to do more with
them.”
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I found that interesting. So, I stuck around and watched him do his thing
teaching children to swim. He coaxed one little boy out further until his the
water was over his head. The boy hesitated, but the instructor kept tugging,
gently, but firmly, until he was out in deep water. Then he instructed the
boy to put his head under the water. At first, he was reluctant, but the
instructor kept insisting the boy trust him. Once his head went under the
water, he came up sputtering, but it wasn’t long until he got the hang of it
and was holding his head under the water for long periods of time. A bit
later, the instructor let go, and to his delight and surprise, the little boy
floated.
Erik Erikson believed that the most crucial phase of human development is
what he called “Trust vs. Mistrust.” When a parent is consistent and
dependable, the baby develops a sense of basic trust. The baby builds this
trust when they are cold, wet or hungry and they can count on others to
relieve their pain. The alternative is a sense of mistrust, the feeling that the
parent is undependable and may not be there when they are needed.
Trust is basic to life. We learn this based upon how others respond to us
when we’re knee-high to a grasshopper. We go to sleep at night and
something wakes us. Is anyone there for us to alleviate our fears? Will
anyone hear our cries and come? The door opens and our mothers appear.
We go through our special little ritual of meeting: the kissing, caressing, and
cooing – and before you know it we are back to sleep. These predictable
patterned rituals are crucial in our development. They remind us that
somebody cares, that help is always available, that the world is a place to be
trusted rather than feared.
What will come later is another form of trusting. It’s when parents let go at
the right time. The loving parent knows not only when to meet and hold on
but also when to depart and let go. Some of us cling to our children in
unhealthy, stifling, overprotective ways. What may at first glance look like
firm parental love can be something quite different in which the parent
possesses, and overprotects the child out of their own lack of trust in them.
It takes a loving, trusting parent to know when to let go, when to encourage
a child to cast off, when to let the child venture forth into the deep waters of
life. I think that is a supreme test of parental love – and it’s never easy, is it?
Baptism of a child is a time for embracing new life in the church, and
baptism is also a time for letting go. Baptism says this: In faith, you can
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give them a few ground rules, you can tell them how you felt when you were
first plunged under the waters, but they must sink or swim on their own,
with God’s help. You can answer for them now, but you cannot believe on
their behalf. God has no grandchildren. Each generation must find and be
found by God.
Life is not always a walk beside the still waters but is also a swirling,
challenging time when the waves can knock us down and suck us under and
overwhelm us with its fury. You love them and it breaks your heart to see
them test the waters with their little toes, because you know the flood may
not be far behind. And the truth is, you would do it for them, if you could,
but you cannot. So you let them go. And that letting go, is in itself, an act
of the highest faithfulness.
Sometimes we let them go into the arms of others who can do a better job of
coaxing them into the waters – teachers, pastors, and friends. We do this
because sometimes as in swimming, others can push them where you would
only seek to protect them. And sometimes you simply let them go into the
arms of God. You let them go in faith that those same divine arms will
guide them.
That is why baptism is not only a joyful occasion but also one which comes
with pain. Parents stand there, before God and the church, saying to their
child, “If we could, we would do your dying and rising for you. We would
protect you from the birth pains of all the rebirths you have yet to go
through. We would calm the waters and still the seas for you – if we could.
But we cannot. So we let go, and as they say, we let God.
The same is true for adults who seek the baptism of our Lord. We, too, must
learn to trust and to let go, to walk in ways we do not see nor fully
understand. But we trust that God is there, answering our call, and loving us
with an undying love.
Where in your life do you need to let go today? What do you need to place
in the hands of God? Where do you need to trust more – with yourself,
others, God? Go ahead, let go, and jump into the waters. God will be there
to lift you up and teach you how to swim. Trust me.