1
FADE IN:
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Twenty-two year old JIMMY SMITHERS wakes up with a jack-olantern in place of a head.
Jimmy’s POV: A kindly DOCTOR with a nice moustache fades into
view.
JIMMY
(sore throat)
Where am I?
DOCTOR
Welcome back, Jimmy. How do you
feel?
A NURSE enters the room. She sees Jimmy.
NURSE
Jesus Christ!
JIMMY
What? My, my throat hurts.
DOCTOR
That’s entirely normal.
JIMMY
Did you remove the tonsils?
DOCTOR
We did remove the tonsils. That’s
the good news.
NURSE
We’re fucking dead.
JIMMY
What?
DOCTOR
Now, Jimmy, there’s something you
should know. We allowed one of our
trainee interns to operate on you. I
hope you don’t mind? You see, he
pressed a little hard with the old
scalpel and, well, see for yourself.
The Doctor hands Jimmy a mirror.
(c) Copyright 2007
2
JIMMY
Um?
DOCTOR
We managed to replace your head with
a jack-o-lantern, just in time, so,
well, happy Halloween.
INT. HOSPITAL.DISCHARGE WAITING ROOM - DAY
Jimmy sits next to an OLD LADY. He holds his jack-o-head in
his hands, sighing to himself.
OLD LADY
Is there something wrong, dear?
Jimmy looks up at the lady, face to jack-o-face, giving her
some time to get it.
OLD LADY
Is it the head?
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Sound: Disco music.
Jack-o-Jimmy is at the bar with two average looking friends,
BILL and MICK.
BILL
Hardly notice it.
MICK
Just dance it off.
INT. NIGHTCLUB. DANCEFLOOR - NIGHT
Jimmy is dancing by himself, totally forlorn.
A SEXY LADY approaches.
SEXY LADY
You’re awesome! I love a guy with a
sense of humor?
JIMMY
How do you know I’ve got a sense of
humor?
She gives an orgasmic laugh and starts dancing.
SEXY LADY
You should make the smile bigger.
(c) Copyright 2007
3
INT. NIGHTCLUB. MEN’S BATHROOM - NIGHT
Jimmy is carving away at his jack-o-lantern smile with a
penknife.
JIMMY
Not a problem.
INT. NIGHTCLUB. DANCEFLOOR - NIGHT
Jimmy is dancing wildly with the Sexy Lady and her SEXY
FRIENDS.
JIMMY
Yeah!
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT. BATHROOM - DAY
Jimmy is brushing his mouth with a tooth brush, building up
some good foam.
TV REPORTER
(o/s)
Our survey results on ‘what is
handsome” are in…
Jimmy cranes his neck to hear the living room TV.
TV REPORTER
(cont. o/s)
And 83% of respondents said that
they consider a square jaw to be
absolutely essential.
JIMMY
Not-a-problem.
MONTAGE:
SOUND: Bouncy, up-beat music like ‘Walking on Sunshine” by
Katrina and the Waves plays over the following montage of
scenes.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Jimmy struts through the crowds. He wears his BIG SMILE and
SQUARE JAW proudly, that is, until he comes to a complete
stop, noticing something above.
(c) Copyright 2007
4
JIMMY’ POV: A Hollywood superstar with spiky hair graces a
huge billboard advertising brill-cream.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Jimmy struts towards revolving doors with his big smile,
square jaw and eye-catchingly trendy spikes on a shrinking
jack-o-lantern head.
INT. MANAGERS OFFICE - DAY
Jimmy is being interviewed by his MANAGER.
MANAGER
Someone who wants this promotion
needs to be serious about their
work.
JIMMY
Not-a-problem.
INT. MAIN OFFICE - DAY
Jimmy weaves between cubicles with a SERIOUS BROW on his now
almost human-sized jack-o-head. He points to the ladies,
letting them know that they’ve been noticed.
The MONTAGE picks up speed.
EXT. CINEMA - NIGHT
An ever changing jack-o-Jimmy leaves the cinema with a LOVELY
LADY in arm.
JIMMY
What did you think?
LOVELY LADY
I liked the guy who played the army
captain.
INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT. BATHROOM - DAY
Jimmy carves away frantically at his shrinking lantern head.
Pieces of pumpkin fly in all directions.
FADE OVER: Magazine cover titles: “Man of the Year,” “The
Rules of Attraction,” “Cute Guys.”
Jimmy carves away with increasing abandon.
(c) Copyright 2007
5
JIMMY
(to himself)
Not-a-problem.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Jimmy is with a beautiful DATE.
DATE
I like high cheekbones.
INT. BILL’S APARTMENT - DAY
Jimmy’s head is getting seriously smaller. He has high
cheekbones. He’s watching the game on TV with Bill and Mick.
TV COMMENTATOR
Lazaredis has got one of those
distinctive Greek noses, you can’t
miss him.
INT. BUS - DAY
Geek nosed Jimmy is sat behind a couple of 17 year old SCHOOL
GIRLS.
One girl notices a SKATER BOY outside the window and grabs her
friend’s arm.
SCHOOL GIRL
He’s hot.
Jimmy scrambles over his set to see the boy.
He pulls the emergency brake.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Jimmy runs past the Skater Boy, photographing the kid’s face
as he passes.
INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT. BATHROOM - DAY
The Skater Boy’s image rests on top of a pile of photos: movie
stars, male models, sports-men – good looking people.
Jimmy is going mad with the knife. His face is flying
everywhere.
JIMMY
(screaming)
NOT-A-PROBLEM!
(c) Copyright 2007
6
EXT. HOSPITAL. ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY - DAY
The montage music stops abruptly.
INT. ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY - DAY
The kindly Doctor is visible concerned.
DOCTOR
What happened?
Jimmy is being held up by two NURSES on either side. His jacko-lantern head is the size of a pea.
He speaks with a high pitched Chipmunk voice.
JIMMY
I got carried away.
DOCTOR
Why would you do this to yourself?
JIMMY
I didn’t want people to find me
ridiculous.
DOCTOR
What were you thinking?
JIMMY
I wasn’t thinking. I had to remove
my brain to make way for the spikes.
He passes out.
EXT. EMERGENCY OPERATING ROOM - DAY
Jimmy is rushed in for treatment on a stretcher.
FADE OVER: An EKG line indicates a weak heart beat.
INT. RECOVERY ROOM - DAY
Jimmy’s POV: The kindly Doctor fades into view.
JIMMY
Where am I?
DOCTOR
Welcome back, Jimmy. We have some
good news.
A nurse enters the room.
(c) Copyright 2007
7
NURSE
What the fuck?
EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY
SOUND: Up-beat montage music.
Jimmy struts away from the hospital with big, red balloon
head.
He has two painted-on eyes, a painted-on nose, and a big
painted on-smile.
It’s going to be a very good day.
JIMMY
Yeah!
(c) Copyright 2007