ADVICE FOR SELF INJURY- FROM AN ANONOMOUS
SELF INJURER (SI)
When I feel I need to cut I ask myself the following
questions:
1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to
this point?
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did
I feel then?
3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I
do that won't hurt me?
4. How do I feel right now?
5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow
morning?
7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
8. Do I need to hurt myself?
The questions differ a little bit every time, but I will not cut if I cannot
answer them. At first I would write them down, but now I run through
them in my head. The most important questions on the list are #'s 4
to 6. In the beginning I would give myself little half-assed answers,
but as each month passed my answers to myself became more
detailed and I began to learn things about myself. I also found out that
I can lessen or avoid stress, rather than running blindly into it. It also
used to be that #8's answer was always 'yes', but now it is way more
often a 'no'.
What this exercise is doing is helping me learn how to identify my
emotions and stressors, which is a very important part for me,
because those are the things that drive me to SI.
Realistic Acceptance
I did two things that ended up being VERY important.
First, I accepted cutting as a good thing. It helped me deal with things
I otherwise could not deal with. It gave me a fast and easy release
valve anytime that I needed one. It allowed me to swim where I would
have once drowned. (I primarily did this because SI is a never-ending
circle. I would cut and then I would feel like I was bad. The guilt and
shame was incredible, and I would cut again to ease the guilt - I was
continuing the circle.)
Second, I acknowledged it as a harmful behavior. I do not say "I want
to cut" anymore. I say "I want to hurt myself".
Understand the difference?
I sometimes want to cut, but I don't ever want to hurt. By replacing
the rather impersonal word "cut" with "hurt" my mind was forced to
acknowledge this as a harmful behavior.
We say "cut the Turkey", not "hurt the Turkey", and I was implying
that I was an unfeeling thing to be carved up.
I AM NOT JUST CUTTING MY FLESH - I AM HURTING MYSELF.
A letter to SI
I wrote a letter that went something like this.... (I'll write another
because I have found that it helps me to write these occasionally):
Dear Cutting,
Thank you for being such a great friend.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Thank you for helping me out when I couldn't continue on my own...
I'm sorry, though, because I don't need you anymore, Cutting.
I don't want this type of help that you give me. I don't want to hide in
a dark bathroom anymore while people are outside laughing. I want to
be one of the ones who laugh.
I don't have the time to give to you anymore, and you are too greedy,
you keep wanting more and more time.
I am all grown up now, and yet you make me feel like a frightened
little child. Swimming through tidal waves isn't good enough for me
anymore, I want to learn how to fly.
See, I have discovered that you're not just an anti-anxiety pill...I have
discovered that you are also a very dangerous one. You are eating
away my insides, taking away what little control that I have, and I
can't afford to lose anything more that belongs to me.
I don't need what you give me, because what you are taking away
from me is even more important to me.
Things that help me to avoid hurting myself
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I jump on the computer and find someone to email. We talk
about everything and anything, and I try to avoid mentioning
self-injury.
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I do productive things that keep me busy and active. I clean the
back porch, a closet, or mop the floors.
I walk a lot, and think.
I write about self-injury. (Like now.) I write about my failures
and successes both and it helps, if anything, just to keep me
busy.
A great tip a friend gave me:
TREAT YOURSELF NICE, EVEN IF YOU FEEL YOU DON'T DESERVE
IT!
Once someone told me that her therp had suggested doing
something nice for herself after SI'ing. So I tried it. I cut one
night, and then afterwards I took a bubble bath, and took a cup
of hot chocolate and a good book to bed early. It really did help.
And then one day.....I thought......If doing something nice for
myself after self-injuring makes me feel better, then maybe it
would help if I did something nice as a treat for NOT cutting.
It makes sense to baby ourselves when we feel bad after hurting
ourselves, so doesn't it also make sense that it would help to do
it before we cut when we are feeling our worst?
So when the cutting urge is strong, I try doing something I like.
Visiting my mom, painting, reading, bubble bath in the dark with
music playing. My gift to myself for not cutting. It doesn't work
all the time, but it does work a lot.
Make an emergency box. Suggestions on what to include:
o Crayons, or paint, and paper.
o Little toys (happy meal toys) that you like.
o A puzzle.
o A word game book.
o Your favorite book.
o A tape of your favorite songs.
o Pictures of friends.
o Letters that are special to you (or cards).
o A book or tape of inspirational messages.
o A list of phone numbers and addresses of friends. (Make
phone calls, or write letters.)
o Stories about your special memories.
Only open your emergency box in an emergency, or it loses it
special-ness. About once every two or three months entirely
change the contents. Have a friend, or your child pick something
special to put into the box while you're not looking so that there
will be a surprise for you when you do have to open it.
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Are you sure you're going to self-injure?
Has it taken over your thoughts like it does with so many of us?
Can you picture it in your mind?
Can you see yourself self-injuring? Imagine every step of the
way?
When I want to cut I can see it all in my mind. Many of us can.
You have to get it OUT!!!!
So start writing!!!!
Write it all out. Be very descriptive, describe every little step.
Only do this when you feel you are SURE you will be
hurting yourself, otherwise you may trigger yourself into
doing it when you don't want to. Go back and read it again.
Get another piece of paper, and write it all over again, only this
time leave out the vivid physical description, and instead write
only about emotions. Begins sentences with: "I feel....", "I want
to feel.....", "I don't feel.....", "when I _____, I feel...".
This may release the tension (having someone else actually read
it sometimes helps, if you need to you can take it into your
therapist's office). It may just emotionally exhaust you so that
you don't have the energy to hurt yourself.
And if it doesn't work you have a written record of your emotions
that you can look back on later that really could help you get a
better insight into your self-injury.
The key is to learn how to identify your emotions, triggers, and
stressors, so that you can learn how to better deal with them in the
future, or how to avoid or lessen them.
Allow yourself to hurt and to be angry and to feel guilt, but also
remember that you have to learn how to deal with these things and
how to ease them.
Important:
Every one of us is different. We all SI for different reasons and in
different ways. If none of these suggestions work for you, then don't
give up. Change them. Try something totally different, or do the same
things in unusual ways. Individualize your coping methods. Tailor them
so they fit you snuggly and comfortable.
Maybe instead of writing you can use a tape recorder.
Or instead of doing something nice for yourself, do something for
someone else. There are many ways for us to heal, and not everything
that works for someone else works for us.
Don't give up. Keep trying, and remember to try each thing you think
of more than once, because it takes time to get used to new habits
and get rid of the old.
And no one is perfect, but if you can go three days, or eight, or thirty
without SI'ing, then remember that you may have SI'ed, but you went
without it for a time. Every bit of progress is great, but too often we
don't recognize it as a forward motion. The fact that you went 8 days
without SI'ing is much more important than the fact that you did end
up hurting yourself.
The three things that help me not to cut the most:
1. Wearing long sleeves. See, I rub at my scars a lot, and
sometimes looking at them makes me want to cut. I have
problems bathing when I am in a cutting mood, because it
means I have to see the cuts. I have found that keeping them
covered, even at night, helps me avoid cutting.
2. Writing about self injury helps me. Either writing about it, or
writing out coping methods (like now). It doesn't really bring any
special awareness, but it does keep me busy, especially
mentally.
3. Working with my therapist.