Seinfeld “The Library” (season 3, episode 5 [disc 7])
JERRY: [on telephone] Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from
1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?
KRAMER: [enters]
JERRY: Alright, OK. I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye.
KRAMER: What's the problem?
JERRY: This you're not gonna believe. The New York Public Library says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in
1971 and never returned it.
KRAMER: Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000.
JERRY: It doesn't work like that.
KRAMER: If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000.
JERRY: It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry
Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. I wonder what ever
happened to her.
KRAMER: How did they ever find you?
JERRY: Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely
ridiculous.
KRAMER: You know I never got a library card. It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting
around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter, ooh...
JERRY: I gotta go to the library. George is coming, you wanna go?
KRAMER: Yeah.
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Seinfeld (“The Library” Page 1 of 5)
LIBRARY
KRAMER: The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that
deal.
JERRY: Where's George?
KRAMER: Tryin' to save a quarter.
JERRY: I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them for my house.
JERRY: [TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER] This woman's completely ignoring me.
KRAMER: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship...Maybe she got hurt a long time
ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy...It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a
little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
LIBRARIAN: Yes?
JERRY: Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.
LIBRARIAN: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library
investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
KRAMER: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?
LIBRARIAN: It's true.
KRAMER: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.
LIBRARIAN: Mr. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.
JERRY: Can I speak with this Bookman?
LIBRARIAN: Mr. Bookman's not here.
JERRY: Not here? Why was I told to come down here?
LIBRARIAN: He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
KRAMER: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?
JERRY: Well what am I supposed to do now?
LIBRARIAN: I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.
JERRY: All right Thanks.
Seinfeld (“The Library” Page 2 of 5)
[GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET]
GEORGE: Jerry! I think I saw him. I think it's him.
JERRY: Who?
GEORGE: Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obscenities? I think that's Mr. Hayman.
...The gym teacher from our High School.
JERRY: Are you sure?
GEORGE: He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.
JERRY: [TO KRAMER] George got him fired. He squealed on him.
KRAMER: Tattle-tale.
GEORGE: I didn't tattle!
KRAMER: What did this guy do? What happened?
GEORGE: There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.
KRAMER: Oh come on, You can tell me.
GEORGE: Some other time.
KRAMER: Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.
JERRY: Oh, he sang like a canary.
GEORGE: Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?
KRAMER: What did he do?
GEORGE: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, "Can't stand ja". He
made me smell my own gym socks once.
JERRY: I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class.
KRAMER: Come on tell me what happened.
GEORGE: Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym.... ME! So I told the
principal he made me wear a jock on my head.
KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library will be waiting for
ya.
Seinfeld (“The Library” Page 3 of 5)
JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
BOOKMAN: You got any coffee?
JERRY: Coffee?
BOOKMAN: Yeah. Coffee.
JERRY: No, I don't drink coffee.
BOOKMAN: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
JERRY: No, I don't have-BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee?
JERRY: Well, I don't normally-BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
JERRY: I don't.
BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on
when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
JERRY: Really? I'll have to remember that.
BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971.
JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies
burning library cards and telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair, but you
put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
JERRY: I try.
BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
JERRY: No, I don't.
BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it
checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above
the law?
JERRY: Certainly not.
BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York
Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. Maybe we can live
without libraries, people like you and me. But what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a
branch at the local library. Doesn't HE deserve better? Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
JERRY: No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book In 1971. I have a witness: Sherry Becker. She wore an
orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum!
Seinfeld (“The Library” Page 4 of 5)
[SHERRY ENTERS]
JERRY: So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?
SHERRY: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.
JERRY: Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
SHERRY: Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?
JERRY: No Black Jack?
SHERRY: Licorice gum? Never! We were reading passages to each other from that Henry Miller book...
JERRY: Tropic of Cancer.
SHERRY: No, Tropic of Capricorn.
JERRY: Tropic of Capricorn?
SHERRY: Remember?
JERRY: Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from TROPIC OF
CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC OF CANCER. And then ... It was GEORGE!
[GEORGE ENTERS]
JERRY: So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER??
GEORGE: How should I know?
JERRY: Because I gave it to you.
GEORGE: Me?
JERRY: Yeah. Don't you remember you kept beggin’ me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to
return it. I met you in the gym locker room.
GEORGE: The locker room!
[BOOKMMAN ENTERS]
JERRY: Look I’m sorry, I hope there's no hard feelings.
BOOKMAN: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings?
JERRY: What is your problem?
BOOKMAN: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again
Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.
JERRY: (after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey!
Seinfeld (“The Library” Page 5 of 5)