Asher's Song
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
“Iris” - Goo Goo Dolls
Ash stood at the kitchen sink, letting the dishes sink slowly into the hot, soapy water. Bits of spaghetti and
sauce, leftover from dinner, clung to the plates in a hopeless battle against a once-yellow sponge. She could
hear her younger siblings arguing in the next room over the television. Sighing, she wiped her hands on her
faded blue jeans and prepared to lay down the law. Surveying the other room, Ash suppressed a smile at
two of the children who were fighting over who was going to possess the remote control. The youngest of
the three sat slouched with her back against the base of the couch, sucking on her thumb and watching the
ongoing verbal brawl with wide, brown eyes. Toys lay strewn all over the floor, as far from being in the
large, blue plastic bin that was their home, as they could. Ash cleared her throat and all three children who
had been ignoring her turned to her,their eyes shining with innocence. Ash held her hand out for the
remote, which was currently clasped to her brother’s chest, and put her other hand on her hip.
“Aw, come on, Ash.” Cole pleaded, a slight whiny tone audible in his voice. The oldest of her younger
siblings, he was often the instigator of trouble. She shook her head. He relinquished the remote and glared
at her looking, at nine years old, remarkably like his father. “We just wanted to watch TV,“ he said
sullenly. Elaine, his seven-year-old shadow, nodded, her long braids thumping against her back with the
motion of her head.
Ash pointed at the clock on the family’s VCR; it was just past seven thirty. “Dad will be home in less than
an hour and a half. Do you want him to walk in and see all these toys on the floor?” Cole and Elaine took in
the mess that they had made earlier. They remained silent, but Ash knew that they were agreeing with her.
“You guys need to clean up this room while I finish cleaning up after dinner. And you,” she smiled as she
picked up Natasha, the youngest of the three, from her position at the base of the couch, “are coming with
me.”
Ignoring complaints from the other two about having to clean up all the toys by themselves, Ash carried her
sister into the other room and set her down on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She ripped off a square
of paper towel and wiped the remains of dinner off of the toddler’s face. She set Natasha down on the floor
at her feet and arranged some pots to bang on and a wooden spoon. The clean face broke into a smile,
thumb still in her mouth. Ash turned back to the sink and set to work scrubbing the dishes.
After all of the dishes had been washed, dried, and put away, Ash walked back into the TV room. Cole and
Elaine had finished cleaning up their toys and sat on the couch watching cartoons. Elaine leaned up against
her older brother, who sat with his chin resting on the top of her head. “Time to get ready for bed,” she told
them, switching off the TV set manually. She listened to their explanations of why they should be allowed
to stay up later and watch one more show, then sent them off to change their clothes and brush their teeth.
They plodded down the hall, moaning and groaning about the great injustices of school nights. Ash
returned to the small kitchen and picked up the pots she had set out before. Natasha held her arms up, and
Ash scooped her up and snuggled the child in her arms.
She carried her sister into the bedroom that the three younger children shared and sat her down on the floor.
She opened dresser drawers, removing blue footie pajamas with cookie monster on them, and a fresh
diaper. “How’s my favorite baby girl?” she whispered, slipping the toddler’s shirt over her head. Natasha
grinned up at her. Ash unsnapped the little girl’s pants and slid them down and off. She laid Natasha down
on her back and quickly removed her diaper. “Do you have to use the potty?” she asked her. The little girl
stuck her thumb back in her mouth and stared at her with wide, unblinking eyes. Ash sighed, and slid the
clean diaper under the toddler’s bottom, cleaning her off with a baby wipe. She fastened the tabs on the
diaper and helped her sister put her feet into the pajamas. She smoothed the child’s hair. “When you’re
ready,” she said softly. Natasha slipped her arms inside and turned to Ash for help with the zipper. Ash got
to her feet and took her sister’s hand. “Let’s go brush your teeth.” Natasha extended one of her arms over
her head, thumb still comfortably safe in her mouth. Ash sighed and picked the little girl up and carried her
into the bathroom.
Elaine and Cole were shoving each other out of the way, trying to win the coveted spot in front of the sink.
Ash put the lid of the toilet seat down and set Natasha down. She grabbed the little girl’s toothbrush and ran
it under the water. Natasha put the toothbrush in her mouth and worked at brushing her teeth. Ash picked
up her own toothbrush and squeezed a line of toothpaste onto it, then put it in her own mouth. She scrubbed
her teeth clean then spit the frothy contents of her mouth into the sink.
“Hey!” Cole protested, elbowing Elaine out of his way as toothpaste began dribbling down his chin. Ash
turned to Natasha and gently had a turn cleaning the toddler’s teeth. She held Natasha up to the sink so the
little girl could pretend to spit out her toothpaste.
“Good job, ‘Tosh,” Elaine patted her baby sister on the head after spitting her own mouthful of froth into
the sink.
Ash carried Natasha back into the bedroom and sat down on the bottom of the bunk beds that took up one
wall. She picked up a battered copy of Goodnight Moon and opened to the first page. Natasha put her
thumb back into her mouth and relaxed her body against her sister's. Her siblings ran into the room and sat
down on the bed around them. They leaned in against Ash. “In a great green room, there was a telephone,
and a red balloon, and a picture of the cow jumping over the moon,” she began. As she read, Natasha’s
eyes began to drift shut. Elaine pulled sleepily at one of her braids. Stifling a yawn, Ash finished the book.
“Good night stars, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere.” She closed the book and set it down on the
dresser next to the beds. She stood slowly, shifting Natasha gently in her arms, trying not to wake the
sleeping toddler. She gently laid the little girl down in her crib and pulled a blanket up over her body,
tucking her teddy bear in next to her.
Cole climbed up on the top bunk and slid under the covers on his bed. She stepped up on the bottom bunk,
kissed him goodnight, and pulled the covers up to his chin. “Night buddy, “ she whispered before climbing
down and tucking Elaine under her covers. The little girl yawned then turned to her and asked for another
story. Ash smiled and shook her head. “Tomorrow, silly girl,” she said softly, knowing that Elaine wouldn’t
be able to stay awake for another story. She stood and plugged a nightlight into the wall between the
dresser and Natasha’s crib. “Night squirts,” she whispered as she turned of the light and shut the door
behind her softly.
Ash walked back into the kitchen and warmed the rest of the spaghetti, then set out a plate for their father
and a fork. This was their nightly routine. A quick glance at the clock told her that it was 8:55, just a few
more minutes before he was due home. She picked her backpack up off of the floor where she’d left it
returning home from school and set off down the hall to her room.
Her bedroom was very small, just enough space for her twin bed and a small bookshelf and closet, but it
was hers. Ash didn’t mind having such a small room since it meant that she could have it to herself. She sat
down on her bed and took out her homework. She yawned but set to work. She had an algebra test
tomorrow and she hadn’t begun to study.
Long after her eyes had grown tired and her back had grown stiff, Ash closed her algebra book and
notebook, feeling slightly more confident about the upcoming test. A glance at the clock told her that it was
after 10. Ash frowned. She hadn’t heard her father come in from work. She shrugged and put the books
she’d need for tomorrow’s day of school in her back pack. She slipped out of the day’s clothes and into her
sweatpants and a long t-shirt. Yawning again, larger this time, she left her room to get a drink of water and
use the bathroom. Returning to her room, Ash shut the door and switched the light off. She took of her
glasses and set them down on top of her bookshelf, then got into bed and pulled the covers up over her
shoulders, her stuffed animal bunny lying in the crook of one arm.
She woke a few hours later, hearing a loud noise outside of her bedroom. She struggled to clear the sleep
from her eyes as she sat up, reaching blindly for her glasses. The door to her bedroom flew open and hit the
wall with a crash. Light from the hallway streamed into the room as she got to her feet and walked towards
the door.
“Why the fuck is my dinner so cold?” her father bellowed at her, the stench of beer washing over her. Ash
looked back, trying to read the numbers on her alarm clock, but without her glasses it was pointless.
“Answer me, you ungrateful little shit!” Ash began to stammer about the time, not seeing his fist flying
toward her face until it was too late. The force of his blow sent her reeling backwards. He flipped the
switch and light flooded the tiny room. Ash held her head high, trying not to show any signs of pain. “All I
ask is that my dinner be waiting for me, ready for me to eat it when I return home from a hard day of work.
I don’t think that is a lot to ask for. Is it?” he asked her quietly. Ash held her tongue and shook her head in
reply. “I didn’t think so. Now go heat it up.”
“But it’s…”
He grabbed the front of her t-shirt and jerked her forwards. “I don’t care if it’s Christmas,” he told her,
slamming her backwards into the wall. “It’s your job to make sure that my dinner is ready for me when I
get home. I’m home and it’s cold. So you’re going to fix it like you should have before I had to come in
here and fucking drag you out.” He threw her out the door and into the hallway and gave her a kick that
sent her falling face first onto the floor.
Ash got to her feet quickly and practically ran into the kitchen. She picked up the plate of spaghetti and
stuck it into the microwave. Her father stood at the refrigerator, watching her. Inside, she boiled but on the
outside her face was a cool mask. She’d made a promise to herself years ago to never show emotion around
him. The microwave beeped and she pulled the plate out and set it on the table. He sat down and looked at
her. “Get me a beer.”
Ash studied her father’s face. He was already heavily drunk. “No,” she said quietly. His face turned
crimson.
“I said get me a beer,” he repeated, his voice dangerously low. Ash shook her head. She refused to
contribute to this. He glared at her. “You’re really asking for it tonight, aren’t you?” He stood up and
brought his fist down on the table, hard. The noise surprised Ash, who jumped in spite of herself. She
turned and started walking back to her bedroom. Her hands trembled at her sides. In her head, she counted
slowly. One, two, three… The blow came faster than she expected, throwing her sideways into the wall. He
grabbed her by the throat and held her against the closed door of her bedroom. “When I tell you to do
something, you will do it. You will not be a smart-ass and talk back to me. You will not tell me no. You
will do what I fucking tell you to do.”
Ash pressed her body against the door of her room, trying to get farther from him and the rancid stench of
intoxication. He pressed his body against hers and she shuddered involuntarily. “Won’t you?” he asked her.
Against her will, she felt her head nodding to him. He slammed her head into the door once before
releasing her, then stalked off to the kitchen where his dinner sat waiting for him once more.
Ash rubbed her throat with one hand, tears collecting in her eyes now that he was gone. She opened the
door to her room and slid inside, flipping the switch so that the light was off. The darkness covered her as
she made her way back to her bed and lay down, clutching her bunny tightly in her arms, her tears wetting
his acrylic fur. Sniffing back the tears, she sat up and switched on the light. She made her way carefully to
her closet and opened the door quietly. She reached to the shelf at the top of the closet and took down a
shoebox. Ash removed a small bundle covered in layers of masking tape. She unrolled the tape layer by
layer until a glint of metal was visible. She took one razor blade from the bundle and set the box down on
the floor.
She sat against the foot of her bed, closing her eyes, trying to stop the flood of emotion that was furiously
burning through her veins. Opening her eyes, she held the blade over the skin on the inside of her right arm
and gently dragged it across. A second passed before a line of dark red appeared on her arm. She took the
blade and drew it across a few more times, harder this time. Her body slowly began to relax. When she’d
finished, she wiped the blade on her sweatpants and replaced it in the bundle, rewrapping the masking tape
tightly around it. Ash took a bunch of band aids and covered the slices she’d made on her arm. Then she
replaced the lid to the shoebox and returned it to it’s home in her closet. Turning off the light, she got in
bed, only then, bumping against her glasses. She looked at the clock. It was 2:58.
"Hey you behind the curtain tell me what is it you see
From where you sit does it appear that everyone is on their knees?
Their eyes are wide and hopeful and the line grows at the door
Do you sit up there and wonder how you’ll ever give them more?
Well I’m not on no yellow brick road, got a mind and a heart and guts of my own
I’m not looking for a someone to set me free
I’m not on no yellow brick road, I’ll find my own way home
I’m just looking for someone"
"Yellow Brick Road" - Kris Delmhorst
The alarm next to her bed blared obnoxiously into her ear. Emitting a low growl, Ash reached over and
slapped at the top of the alarm. Rubbing sleep from her eyes, she winced as her fist touched a tender area
beside her right eye. Squinting, Ash looked at the clock. It was just after 5:30. Another morning was
beginning. Reluctantly pushing her covers aside, Ash got to her feet and opened the closet door. She
removed a clean t-shirt, flannel, socks and underwear. Placing the clothing on her bed, she headed to the
bathroom to take a quick shower. Shutting the bathroom door behind her, Ash turned on the water in the
shower, letting it warm while she glanced at her reflection in the mirror. A large oblong bruise glared back
at her, extending from temple to cheekbone. She sighed and slipped out of her clothing, stepping under the
hot spray in the shower.
Ash let the hot water trickle down her body, stretching as the steam began to collect in the small bathroom.
Pouring a bit of shampoo in her cupped hand, she washed her long, reddish-brown hair. Rinsing the
shampoo from her hair, she grabbed a bar of soap that was sitting on the side of the shower and ran it
between her hands, gathering the lather that resulted. She soaped her body, then let the shower carry the
lather away, swirling down the drain. Ash shut off the shower and opened the curtain slightly, reaching for
her towel. She quickly dried off, and wrapped the towel around her lean body, picked up her clothes from
the floor and hurried back to her room.
She dressed carefully. Yesterday’s jeans could be worn again today because they weren’t yet too dirty. She
didn’t want to have to do more laundry than she had too. She pulled on her flannel shirt over her t-shirt,
being careful not to rub up against the tender slices on her right arm. Ash picked up her glasses off of her
bookshelf and placed them carefully on her face. She slid her socks on her feet, then laced up her sneakers.
Back in the bathroom again, she picked up a comb from the countertop and began to pull it through her
long hair. She divided the thick mass of hair into three semi-equal sections and using the mirror as a guide
began to braid the sections together. Ash reached the tips of her hair and tied it off with a stretched out hair
band.
Peering at the clock in the kitchen, she determined that it was time to wake up Cole and Elaine. Ash opened
the door to their bedroom and turned on the light switch. She walked over to the bunk bed’s and gently
shook Elaine’s shoulder. “Come on, sleepy-head. Time to get up and ready for school.” Elaine groaned and
tried to roll away from her. “Oh no, you don’t.” Ash gripped the covers and pulled them off of her sister.
Elaine glared at her and stuck out her lower lip. Ash smiled at her. “Don’t be a puppy. Do you think I like
waking up early any more than you do?” Elaine shook her head sullenly and sat up in her bed, rubbing her
eyes with two small fists.
Ash stepped up onto the bottom bunk so that she could reach her brother. Cole instinctively covered his
face with his blankets. “Oh don’t you even start with me,” she told him, her voice light enough that he
knew she was just teasing. Ash reached with both hands and began tickling his sides. “Someone thinks he’s
going to get away with sleeping in does he?” Cole giggled and squirmed back and forth, trying to get away
from her ruthless tickling. “I’m not stopping until you’re out from under those covers,” Ash said, smiling at
the tufts of brown hair peeking from under the tops of his blankets. Cole gave in and kicked his covers
back. True to her work, Ash stopped tickling him. “All right you two. I want you dressed and eating
breakfast in five minutes,” she told her siblings as she ruffled Cole’s hair.
While Cole and Elaine slowly began to dig clothes out of the dresser in the room, Ash made her way over
to Natasha’s crib. The toddler lay on her stomach, one arm curled protectively around her teddy, thumb in
mouth. She looked so peaceful asleep that Ash didn’t’ want to have to break the spell and wake her.
Unfortunately, she knew she had no choice. Reaching into the crib, Ash gently smoothed the hair back
from her sister’s forehead. Natasha slept, her breathing deep and even. Ash put down the side of the crib
and knelt next to the sleeping child. “Hey sweetheart, time to wake up.” Ash gently scooped the sleeping
child into her arms. Natasha’s eyelids fluttered. “Hey baby girl. Good morning,” Ash spoke softly, rocking
the toddler back and forth in her arms.
She stood up and walked over to the dresser, removing another diaper and Natasha’s clothes for the day.
She knelt on the floor and set her sister down. Natasha yawned, removing her thumb for just an instant. Ash
unzipped her pajamas and slid her arms out of them. The toddler looked sleepily at her, not protesting but
not helping either. Ash slid a blue and yellow striped shirt over her sisters head. Natasha tolerated having
her thumb removed from her mouth long enough for her sister to help her slip her arms into the sleeves.
Ash laid her sister gently on the floor and pulled the pajamas off completely. She unfastened the tabs on her
diaper and quickly slid a clean one under the toddler’s bottom. “Do you need to use the potty?” she asked
her sister, expecting and receiving a similar look as the night before. She knew that the little girl would
begin to use the toilet when she was ready. She wouldn’t push her before then. That never helped anything.
Ash helped Natasha put on her overalls, snapping the straps over her shoulders for her, then slid socks onto
her feet. “Who’s cute as a button today?” she asked, tickling the bottoms of Natasha’s feet. The little girl
smiled at her. “Ready for breakfast?” Natasha nodded, extending an arm into the air.
Ash scooped her sister into her arms and left the room, switching the light off and shutting the door behind
them. Cole and Elaine were already sitting at the kitchen table, eating bowls of Cheerios. An almost-empty
gallon of milk sat on the table in front of them, along with the box of cereal and a few scattered cheerios.
Ash set Natasha in her booster seat which was attached to one of the chairs. Natasha allowed herself to be
strapped into the seat, then reached for a cheerio that was within her free arm’s length. Ash took two bowls
out of the cupboard and filled them with cereal. She poured milk into one bowl, then handed the other one
to her sister. Natasha didn’t like soggy cereal and she was a slow eater.
Ash ate her breakfast quickly, then retrieved the comb from the bathroom countertop. She stood behind
Elaine and pulled the hair bands from the bottoms of her sister’s braids. She ran her fingers through the
hair, separating the strands, then began to brush her hair. Elaine sat quietly eating her cereal as her sister
combed her hair then split it down the middle to be rebraided. Elaine, whose hair was as thick as her
sister’s, always wore her hair in two long braids down her back. It prevented it from getting too tangled
during the day. While she braided, Ash addressed the older two siblings. “We’ve got to get groceries this
weekend. Cole, it’s your week to help out. Don’t start,” she said as he started to protest. “I can’t handle
Natasha and carrying the groceries by myself. And,” she added, “you’re getting to be so strong.” Cole
glared at her, knowing that he didn’t have any choice.
Elaine looked down at her cereal. “Can I stay home?” Ash put her hand under her sister’s chin and lifted
her head again, setting her head level.
"Careful, or you’ll be crooked." She looked at the refrigerator and thought, biting her bottom lip. “I don’t
know. If dad has to work you can stay here by yourself. But if he’s going to be here, you’ll have to come
with us.” Ash finished Elaine’s second braid and turned to the refrigerator, removing an envelope that was
held to the front with brightly colored alphabet magnets. The envelope held a few bus passes that Ash had
bought the last time she’d been able to get money from their father. Natasha could ride the bus for free, and
since Elaine was small for her age, she might be able to get away with it to. But just in case, she’d have to
bring three bus passes with them.
Cole had finished his breakfast. He stood from the table and rinsed his dishes then placed them in the sink
and went to brush his teeth and wash his face. Elaine hurried after him. Ash washed their dishes and her
own, then got Natasha’s. She gently combed her youngest sister’s tangled blond hair. She knelt in front of
her younger sister and unbuckled her from the booster seat. Natasha’s fingers gently brushed the bruise on
Ash’s face, her brown eyes open wide. Ash smiled wistfully at her sister then picked her up and carried her
into the bathroom so they could brush their teeth.
Cole and Elaine were having a contest to see who could spit their mouthful of toothpaste the farthest. Cole
took a step back from the sink and spat, the froth narrowly avoiding the edge of the sink. He stood back and
grinned proudly. Elaine took an even larger step back than her brother and spat as hard as she could. Ash
cringed as she watched the mouthful miss the sink by inches and land with a splat on the bathroom floor.
Elaine looked crestfallen, but she tore off a few sheets of toilet paper and cleaned up the small mess she’d
just made. Ash set Natasha down on the toilet, got her toothbrush ready, and handed it to her. Natasha
obediently put the toothbrush into her mouth. Ash brushed her own teeth, then got a washcloth off of a
small shelf in the bathroom. She ran the washcloth under the faucet and wiped Natasha’s face. The toddler
grinned as Ash made motor noises. Ash held her younger sister up to the mirror over the sink. Natasha
pointed at her reflection then put her thumb in her mouth.
It was now 7:00 and just about time to leave for the day. She packed clean diapers and a change of clothes
in a bag for Natasha, then grabbed her own backpack from the floor of her bedroom. Natasha sat in her
place from the night before, back slouched against the base of the couch. Ash picked up the toddler’s shoes
from a rubber mat that lived by the door of their apartment. She knelt in front of her sister and began to
carefully put the little girl’s shoes on her feet. Natasha watched her intently, thumb in mouth. Cole and
Elaine appeared in the room, shoes on their feet, faces neatly scrubbed, backpacks in hand.
“Did you remember all of your books and your homework?” Ash asked them, remembering the last time
the teacher had called home because Elaine had forgotten her homework folder. Both of them nodded.
“Alright then. Coats, hats, and mittens, then off we go.” The children pulled their coats off of the hooks that
were nailed into the wall. Ash noticed that Cole’s wrist were beginning to stick out beyond the sleeves of
his coat. She sighed, not knowing where the money for a new coat for him would come from. Her own coat
had been patched many times, and her sleeves stopped a full two inches short, but she could make do for
another year. Cole, on the other hand, would need a new coat this winter. Natasha put her blue hat on her
head and held her mittens out to Ash. Ash knelt beside the toddler and helped her put them on, then did the
same with her coat. When they were all dressed, Ash checked the her pocket for her keys and led them out
the door into the hallway of their apartment building. She turned and locked the door behind them.
Natasha carefully made her way down the stairs, clinging to the handrail and Ash’s hand. It took a long
time for them to make their way down the three flights of stairs because Natasha had to step down with one
foot then bring her other foot down onto the same step and rest to make sure she had her balance before
continuing to the next one. When they reached the hallway on the bottom floor, Ash glanced nervously at
the lone door on her right. The once-frosted pane of the window fitted into the upper portion of the door
was now gray and crusted in the corners, and the letters had been scratched so that “office” was hard to
read. The door remained closed.
As Ash led her siblings outside onto the busy sidewalk outside of their apartment building, Natasha held
out an arm and stuck her thumb in her mouth. Ash tried to coax her forward, but Natasha remained where
she was, refusing to take another step. Ash glanced at her watch, then scooped her sister into her arms.
“One of these days you are going to have to walk by yourself, Munchkin,” she whispered into her sister’s
ear.
When they reached a small house a few blocks away, Ash led them through the rusted gate, up the concrete
walkway, and to the front door. Cole reached up and rang the doorbell, with his usual morning gusto. A
stern, regal-looking woman opened the door and stared down at them.
“Running a little late today, are we?” she asked, taking Natasha out of her sister’s arms.
Ash ducked her head. “Yes ma’am,” she said quietly.
The older woman looked them all over. “Ah, Ash dear. The little ones dwadle I know. Just get them to pick
up their feet instead of dragging them along and you’ll all make it to school on time.” Ash nodded. “Did
you hear that you two? I expect to see marching feet this morning. No late children today!” She smiled.
“See you after school then.”
Ash led her remaining two siblings down the walk to the street. When they reached the gate, Elaine turned
around and waved. “Bye Gramma!” The older woman smiled and carried Natasha into the house, and shut
the door. Ash glanced at her watch. If they hurried, at least Cole and Elaine wouldn’t be late for school. As
for herself, it wasn’t looking good.