How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
& Listen So Kids Will Talk
Summarized from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s (1999), How to Talk so
Lids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, Quill Publishers (Harper
Collins).
COMMON MISTAKES IN “LISTENING TO OTHERS”:
Denial of Feelings – “There’s no reason to be upset. It’s foolish to feel that
way.”
The Philosophical Response – “Life is like that. That’s just the way things
are. You have to learn to take things in stride”
Advice – “You know what you should do? Try . . . . . .”
Questions – “What were those emergencies you had that caused you to miss
this test?”
Defense of the Other Person – “Your teacher was not completely in the
wrong here. I can see why she would be really troubled by this behavior.”
Pity – “Oh you poor thing. How terrible for you.”
Amateur Psychoanalysis – “Maybe what’s really causing you to act this way
is that you have a lot of unresolved anger about this.”
What’s Needed?
The Empathic Response – “You must have felt very upset about that. To be
treated like that in front of my friends would be hard to take.”
PRAISE AND RAISE SELF-ESTEEM:
When children feel good about themselves they are more likely to behave
well and want to be productive.
Unfortunately, many “difficult” kids feel their teachers don’t like them,
don’t see their positive qualities, and don’t want to change their minds about
them.”
1. NOTICE AND DESCRIBE THE GOOD THINGS YOU SEE.
2. DESCRIBE THE POSITIVE FEELINGS YOU HAVE ABOUT THE
CHILD AND THE BEHAVIOR.
3. SUM UP THE CHILD’S PRAISEWORTHY BEHAVIOR IN A WORD.
HOW TO HELP WITH FEELINGS:
Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected.
1. LISTEN WITH FULL ATTENTION
2. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS (verbally or nonverbally) –
Instead of asking questions or giving advice, simply indicate you hear
they are upset.
3. GIVE THEIR FEELINGS A NAME – especially important for young
kids
4. GIVE THEM THEIR WISHES IN FANTASY -- explaining why
something can’t happen can make kids angrier or more upset. Try asking
them what they would wish for if they could. Indicate what you wish you
could do, but can’t.
TO ENGAGE COOPERATION FROM CHILDREN:
Children need to have a role in partnering for cooperation.
1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM –
Instead of blaming or accusing them, make a descriptive statement.
Example:
Instead of “You can’t seem to keep things neat.”
“Your books are out of order in your desk.”
2. GIVE INFORMATION (Instead of Making a Demand)
Example:
Instead of “Straighten your desk.”
“If you have a neater desk it’s easier to get your work done faster.”
3. SAY IT WITH A WORD
Example:
Instead of “You have several books on the floor and a lot of papers
that are falling out of your desk and your pencils are all over the desk
top.”
“Desk.”
4. TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
Example:
“I feel concerned when I see your desk unorganized.”
5. WRITE A NOTE
Example:
Just put a nice note on the student’s desk.
ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT:
There are two common problems with punishment (other than it often
doesn’t work):
 Punishment is a distraction – kids become preoccupied with being
punished. Instead of thinking about what they need to do to make the
behavior better the child focuses on anger and revenge for being
punished.
 Since most punishments are not logically connected to the behavior
being corrected they are even more confusing and ineffective.
1. POINT OUT A WAY TO BE HELPFUL
Example:
Instead of “Sit down or you will lose your privileges.”
“Can you get the erasers for me.”
2. EXPRESS STRONG DISAPPROVAL (WITHOUT ATTACKING
CHARACTER)
Example:
“I am very disappointed that you would mark that book.”
3. STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Example:
“I expect that when you get a book from the library you will take care
of it like it was your own. That means not writing on it or hurting it in
any way.”
4. SHOW THE CHILD HOW TO MAKE AMENDS
Example:
“If you get some scotch tape you can tape up the page you cut with
the scissors.”
5. GIVE A CHOICE
Example:
“You can erase the marks out of the book or you can lose library
privileges.”
6. TAKE ACTION
Example:
Revoke the child’s privileges without threatening it. Wait for them to
notice and perhaps ask about it.
7. PROBLEM-SOLVE
Example:
“What can you do to make this situation better?”
ROLE PLAY SCENARIOS FOR
“TALKING TO KIDS”
Here are two situations that you may encounter as a teacher. For each
situation, work with a partner to see how you can apply the suggestions on
How to Talk to Kids.
Scenario 1:
Natalie is always getting up in the middle of class and disrupting other
students’ work time. She wanders over to other kids desks and interrupts
them instead of sitting quietly and doing her own work.
TO ENGAGE COOPERATION FROM NATALIE – WRITE WHAT
YOU WOULD SAY OR DO
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM:
GIVE INFORMATION (Instead of Making a Demand):
SAY IT WITH A WORD:
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS:
WRITE A NOTE:
ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT FOR NATALIE:
POINT OUT A WAY TO BE HELPFUL:
EXPRESS STRONG DISAPPROVAL (WITHOUT ATTACKING
CHARACTER):
STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS:
SHOW THE CHILD HOW TO MAKE AMENDS:
GIVE A CHOICE:
TAKE ACTION:
PROBLEM-SOLVE:
Scenario 2:
Marvin is constantly cutting up and making jokes and snide comments in
class. The rest of the students think he’s hilarious. And he is very funny.
But, he makes it very difficult to get work done. In addition, sometimes his
jokes are quite inappropriate in terms of language and reference to body
parts and functions. You know this embarrasses some of the students even if
they won’t say so.
TO ENGAGE COOPERATION FROM MARVIN – WRITE WHAT
YOU WOULD SAY OR DO
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM:
GIVE INFORMATION (Instead of Making a Demand):
SAY IT WITH A WORD:
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS:
WRITE A NOTE:
ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT FOR MARVIN:
POINT OUT A WAY TO BE HELPFUL:
EXPRESS STRONG DISAPPROVAL (WITHOUT ATTACKING
CHARACTER):
STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS:
SHOW THE CHILD HOW TO MAKE AMENDS:
GIVE A CHOICE:
TAKE ACTION:
PROBLEM-SOLVE: