PLAYING DRUNK
A One-Act Play
by
Kevin Frei
Copyright © 2013,
by Kevin Frei
www.GoMusicals.com
kevin@gomusicals.com
Cast of Characters
KIM:
A high school student.
SHAUN:
A high school student.
STEVE:
Kim’s loser older brother.
ANA:
Steve’s girlfriend.
Playing Drunk
SETTING:
School and Kim’s house.
AT RISE:
Kim greets Shaun after school.
KIM: Hey Shaun. Did you find out if you got the part?
SHAUN: Yeah.
KIM: Yeah you found out, or yeah you got it?
SHAUN: You asked if I found out.
KIM: Oh. So you didn’t get it?
SHAUN: No.
KIM: I’m sorry.
SHAUN: No, I did get it.
KIM: Oh! Then congratulations!
SHAUN: I guess.
KIM: Why aren’t you more excited?
SHAUN: I read the play, and for the whole second act my character is supposed to be
drunk.
KIM: So?
SHAUN: Well I don’t know how to play drunk. I’ve never been drunk before.
KIM: Me neither. What about all the drunk people you’ve seen in movies?
SHAUN: That’s not the same. Those people are actors.
KIM: So are you.
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SHAUN: Yeah, but you can’t learn how to pretend to be drunk by watching other people
pretend to be drunk. That’s too many layers of abstraction. I need to watch an actual
drunk person in their habitat. Study their movements and their actions. Think we could
get into a bar?
KIM: I don’t think so. They’ll want to check our IDs, and mine says I’m a sophomore.
SHAUN: Why do playwrights always make their characters drunk?
KIM: Well the first rule of drama is conflict, and a lot of conflict comes from alcohol.
For instance, one time my uncle ran his car into the garage door and passed out on the
front lawn. My aunt was so angry she set fire to the house and burned it to the ground.
She had been drinking all day.
SHAUN: Wow…
KIM: No alcohol and it would have just been a boring story about a sober man coming
home to his sober, pyromaniac wife.
SHAUN: I see your point.
KIM: Hey, speaking of conflict, I’ve got an idea. We could watch my brother! He’s
drunk all the time!
SHAUN: Great idea! Let me go grab my notebook.
(Shaun exits and Kim briefly speaks to herself.)
KIM: Oh Aunt Ethel, you’re long gone but it’s like I can still hear your voice. What’s
that, Aunt Ethel? But I don’t have any matches…
(Shaun returns.)
SHAUN: Were you talking to someone?
KIM: Nope!
SHAUN: Come on, let’s go see your brother!
(They arrive at her house. Her brother Steve is on the couch, passed out drunk.)
SHAUN: Is he drunk?
KIM: Judging by all the empty beer cans, I’d say yes.
SHAUN: Can we wake him?
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KIM: Psst. Psst! Steve!
(Steve wakes, confused.)
STEVE: What? Who? Huh? Oh. Ugh… What do you want?
KIM: Are you drunk?
STEVE: What? No. Who’s this?
SHAUN: I’m Shaun. I’m Kim’s friend.
STEVE: Hey, what’s up dude, I’m Shaun. I mean Steve. Are you guys, um… what are
you guys doing?
SHAUN: Just observing.
KIM: He’s trying to learn how to act drunk.
STEVE: What? Get out of here. Go on. Shoo. Stupid kids.
(He slumps back onto the couch.)
STEVE (Cont’d): Are you gone yet?
KIM: Yes.
STEVE: Good.
SHAUN: Can you get him to stand up and walk around a little?
KIM: Hey Steve.
STEVE: Huh? Wha? You again?
KIM: I’ll give you a dollar if you stand up and give me a hug.
STEVE: I don’t need a dumb dollar. Dum-dum.
KIM: How much does a can of PBR cost?
STEVE: Dollar.
KIM: I’ll give you a can of PBR if you stand up and give your kid sister a hug.
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STEVE: Sweet!
(Steve stands and stumbles over toward Kim. She shuffles around and makes him
stumble after her until he can give her a big squeeze.)
STEVE: There. Now where’s my beer?
KIM: Here’s a dollar.
(She hands him a dollar.)
STEVE: What am I supposed to do with this?
KIM: You can buy a can of PBR.
STEVE: Sweet!
(Steve collapses back onto the couch.)
KIM: Are you getting what you need?
SHAUN: I think so. Can I ask him some questions?
KIM: Go ahead.
SHAUN: Steve, can you hear me?
STEVE: Huh?
SHAUN: Can you hear me?
STEVE: Yeah.
SHAUN: How do you know when you’re drunk?
STEVE: Huh?
KIM: My sister says you know you’re drunk when you realize you’re in the wrong dorm
room.
SHAUN: Maybe I can get him to say some of my lines. You know, to see how a drunk
person would say them.
KIM: I’m not sure he can read right now. He’s not even doing it right.
SHAUN: Doing what right?
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KIM: Being drunk. He’s messing it up.
SHAUN: How so?
KIM: Usually when he’s drunk he’s pretending not to be drunk. Here, I’ve got an idea…
(Kim takes Steve’s phone and starts to text.)
STEVE: Kim… what are you doing?
KIM: Nothing.
STEVE: Okay.
(Kim puts the phone back down and has a big grin.)
SHAUN: What did you do?
KIM: You’ll see. Oh look Steve, you have a new text from Ana.
STEVE: I’ll get it later.
KIM: It says she’s coming over.
STEVE: What? I told her I was busy working today!
KIM: She must have somehow gotten the idea that you wanted her to come visit.
(Kim giggles to Steve.)
STEVE: No! No no no no no no no…
(Steve gets up and starts clearing away beer cans.)
KIM: Is there a problem?
STEVE: Shut up! Tell her I’m not here. Tell her I went camping.
(Ding dong!)
KIM: That must be her!
(Enter Ana.)
ANA: Hey Steve!
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STEVE: Hey baby.
ANA: I was so happy when I got your text! I thought I wasn’t going to get a chance to
see you today.
(Steve is trying to keep his distance from her.)
ANA (Cont’d): What’s the matter?
STEVE: Stinky burp. Too much spicy food. I should go brush my teeth.
ANA: Have you been drinking?
STEVE: Noooo. Baby, please.
ANA: Because you promised me you wouldn’t, remember?
STEVE: Duh. Let me just go brush my teeth.
(Exit Steve.)
ANA: Did he just say “duh” to me?
SHAUN: Do you think you could get Steve to read some lines with you?
ANA: Huh? Who is this?
KIM: He’s Shaun.
SHAUN: I’m Shaun.
ANA: Hey Shaun. Is Steve drunk?
SHAUN: I’m not at liberty to say.
ANA: Oh. What’s this about reading lines?
(Kim looks off stage.)
KIM: I think he’s gone!
ANA: Steve?
KIM: The back door is open.
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ANA: I can’t believe it! He did it again!
(Steve bursts in from the opposite wing, the front door.)
STEVE: Phew! That was a close one. I was totally almost busted.
(He looks around and realizes he ran back into the same house.)
STEVE (Cont’d): Wait a second… How did I end up back… Ah!
ANA: Slammed with work, huh? Up to your ears in work?
STEVE: Baby… babe… I can explain.
ANA: You’re drunk.
STEVE: I can explain that too.
ANA: You promised!
STEVE: Are you gonna let me explain?
ANA: Okay, explain.
STEVE: I had one beer…
ANA: I’m out. I’m out!
STEVE: Wait, Ana, no!
ANA: Goodbye, Steve!
(Ana exits and Steve falls to his knees. Steve cries out a la Marlon Brando’s
“Stella! Stella!” scene in A Streetcar Named Desire.)
STEVE: Ana! Ana! Ana!!!
(He crumples to the floor sobbing. Soon he is snoring.)
SHAUN: This got really awkward.
KIM: Should we bounce?
SHAUN: Yeah.
(Shaun and Kim leave the house. Steve exits.)
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SHAUN: I’m sorry about your brother. And about your aunt. And I think you mentioned
a sister in there too.
KIM: Yeah, I have a weird family. So did you learn how to play drunk?
SHAUN: I’m not sure. Watching a drunk person pretend to be sober so I can be a sober
person pretending to be a drunk person pretending to be sober… it makes my head hurt.
(The end.)
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