Extracted from Family Links Web
Sinar Rohani Magazine, March 2003
A household needs to be built based on good values because a happy and perfect household ensures the characterisation of quality husband, wife, parents and children. As such, the husband and wife should make adequate preparations in household knowledge in order to apply it into their family life. Often, parents are not serious in handling matters in their households. It is adequate just to provide food, clothing and managing the children
‟s schooling without giving priority to the love and affection or trying to foster relationship amongst all family members. As a result, divorce happens which does not only involve the young couples, but the old couples as well. Furthermore, damage to the household may cause serious issues such as domestic abuse towards wife and children, incest and the likes.
Controlling Attitude
The parents‟ wisdom in controlling the household is that most important aspect in safeguarding harmony of a family. One of the elements that can interfere with the loving relationship in a family is the failure of the husband or wife in safeguarding the household secret. A household may turn chaotic because the husband or wife talks and spreads the couple ‟s secrets to others.
The Facts of a Secret
The secret of a household can actually be divided into several forms that can be known as:
1. Specific Secret: Specific secrets are private matters specifically requested by the husband or wife to be kept as secret. Imam al-Ghazali recorded in his book, Mukasyafatu al-Qulub , about the interpretation of some scholars on the order of Allah s.w.t. to the mu ’mins (believers) to look after amanah (trust) and amongst the trust is “a word or sentence” that has been agreed to be
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preserved and concealed. Thus, it is obligatory ( wajib ) to protect the trust.
Similarly, if a partner whispered something and requested it to be a secret between them, it is obligatory to keep the trust.
2. Secret Which Relates to Security: Perhaps, there are people who are in conflict with our partner and have the intention to betray and oppress him/her.
The enemies may impersonate and request from us information, background and the likes. As a partner, you have to be smart in dealing with this kind of situation. Accidently giving the wrong information to the enemy can be dangerous. History recorded the story of Sam‟un al-Ghazi‟s wife who revealed the secrets of her husband‟s strengths to the enemy that jeopardises her husband‟s life. Therefore, one must not be too naive or honest and provide information that exposes his/her partner‟s secrets. As much as possible, try to detect the tricks of such malicious people through their words or behaviour.
3. Property Secret: The partner‟s wealth and financial standing are also secrets that must be guarded and defended by the wife. In this case, the wife, who acts as the domestic manager, has the role to protect the secrets of the household. As Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) said meaning:
“ The best of wealth is a righteous woman who pleases her husband when he sees her; she obeys whenever he commands her and when her husband is absent she protects her chastity and respect
” (At-Thabrani).
In this context, the household and its contents are considered as
“property” and the fortress to the family secret. It is the husband
‟s and wife‟s responsibility to look after the household. Accordingly, Islam prohibits anyone who secretly looks into other people
‟s homes without the consent of the host.
Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“
If someone unlawfully look into your house without your permission, then you throw a stone and break his eyes, you are not sinful.
” (Bukhari and Muslim)
4. Bedroom Secret: This is the most important secret and the last stronghold secrets of the household. The secret related to sexual relationship of a husband and wife must be hidden and kept a secret between the couple only.
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It is prohibited and haram for any of the partners to talk about their communion to the knowledge, hearing and sight to others even to their own children. That is the reason why Islam ordered that children shall sleep in separate rooms from their parents when they reach 7 years old. And they need to be taught to greet and seek for permission before entering their parents‟ room especially at three occasions as stated in the Qur‟an which are before Subuh , around Zuhur and after Isya ’ because these are the times that the husband and wife might be together or resting, relaxing or sleeping.
5. Secret Regarding Honour: Honour here involves a person‟s parts of body that needs to be clothed, matters of disgrace and weakness. Allah s.w.t. said:
“So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard .” (An-Nisa: 34). If a couple fails to uphold his/her dignity, the followings may happen: i. The husband or wife becomes unfaithful. ii. The husband or wife seeks entertainment out of their home. iii. The husband or wife commits adultery. iv. The husband or wife tells household secrets to others.
6. Secret Related to Nafkah : It is obligatory for a husband to provide maintenance or expenses for his wife and children. This grant is based on the husband‟s ability; not to be labelled as mean and stingy or too wasteful and extravagant. Basically, a husband must provide maintenance according to his ability. Cost of living predicament should be discussed wisely with the partner so as not to oppress oneself, wife or the children. In fact, avoid being the topic of conversation or detraction of others because of our failure to keep a secret.
In Difficult Situation
Mutual understanding and patience are two of the most important attitudes for a husband or wife. Any party, either the husband or wife should not express and tell his/her partner‟s secrets to other people before even trying to solve the problem between them by way of discussions, unless the couple was unable to find the solution and need to tell their household secret to a third party.
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One example is an incident that occurred in the days of Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) whereby a woman complained to him that she was beaten by her husband. At first, the Prophet decided that her husband may have imposed qisas (retaliation), however, at that time, a new revelation described that under certain circumstances a husband is allowed to beat his wife in order to educate her (not to hurt or hit because of anger). Indirectly, the woman had leaked her household secrets by telling her husband‟s faults to Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him).
However, in this case, it is not an offense for the wife (or husband) to tell her/his household secret because it was for the sake or benefit of the household itself. If there is a problem in the marriage that cannot be resolved through joint discussions, and the husband or wife feels that he/she is not capable to face the problem, then a solution needs to be taken involving „outsiders‟. In other words, the household secret has to be revealed to the knowledge of another person. Some aspects must be taken into consideration namely: i Refer to the Right Person:
If one is determined to share his/her household secret with others, it should be referred to the most appropriate person because not everyone is capable of being a confidante especially if the issue involves confidential matters. Ensure that the person can be trusted, reliable, fair and not emotional, calm and has a conciliatory character. If not, he/she may end up being an instigator and makes the problem worst. It does not matter whether the confidante is a close friend or even an experienced counsellor, most importantly, the person should be able to assist in giving opinions and advice, or to be able become a mediator in amending the relationship between the husband and wife. ii Expose Only Suitable Secret
We must remember that the confidante is still an outsider of the household. Thus, any secret that one wishes to confide in must be restricted to matters connected to the problem only. Not more than that. Do not be influenced by emotional feelings that all secrets of the partner are being revealed.
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iii Refer to Al Hakam
“
Hakam
” is a representative from both the husband and wife, whereby the husband and the wife are individually represented by someone. At times, the
Court will appoint the hakam and these two representatives will serve as the peacemakers to help solve the case.
This is mentioned in the commandment of Allah s.w.t. meaning:
“ And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people ” (An-Nisa‟: 35)
Both hakams will conduct an interview with the husband or wife in separate sessions to determine the source and status of the problem. Thus, it is important that the hakams selected must be reliable, wise and fair, can keep a secret, wise in his/her actions and do not favour any party. In this case, the husband and wife need to give confidence to the hakams as the secrets of their household need to be revealed. Then, both of these hakams will meet to reach a solution. If they found that there is no meeting point between the husband and wife, both hakams need to agree to a decision to separate them in goodwill where the case should be referred to the court. iv Refer to the Court
This is the final stage if the solution through discussions by counsellors or hakams no longer offer any hope for peace or settlement. Here, the court may need to make a decision for the future of the marriage where the secrets of the household need to be revealed in front of a judge or court.
Lesson Learned
Learn from the stories of the days of Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) such as the wise Khadijah r.a. in keeping the secrets of Rasulullah ‟s (peace and blessings be upon him) prophet-hood after receiving the first revelation at Hira ‟. She acted wisely by telling the story of the event to only a certain person in order to get opinions. She chose the person who has been identified and qualified to be a reference and to keep the secret. That person was her own cousin, Waraqah bin
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Nawfal, a devout who was still adhering to the teachings of faith. The secret was tightly kept until Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) received the order to publicly convey the revelation that he received.
In conclusion, no matter what problems we are burdened with including household problems, as Muslims we should always remember Allah s.w.t. and seek his assistance. Perform the solat ishtikhaarah and solat hajat before making any decisions so that you will be given guidance and strength. In addition, learn from the good and bad incidents that occurred around us. As the saying goes “ the wise learn from the experience of others ”.
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