FAT CITY
A FULL-LENGTH COMEDY
by
Ron Dune
BROOKLYN PUBLISHERS, LLC
Publishers of Contest-Winning Drama
Copyright © 2001 by Ron Dune
All rights reserved
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FAT CITY
by
Ron Dune
SCENE 1
The People of Fat City
SETTING: A park in the center of town. There are a couple of park benches. A sign is posted which reads
“Welcome to Fat City.”
AT RISE: HARRY and HALLIE enter from Right. HALLIE carries HARRY’s briefcase. THEY look around the
town square, seeing it for the first time.
HARRY: This is it, Hallie. This is our new mark.
HALLIE: Nice place. (SHE sees the sign.) Hey lookie here. (SHE has a hard time reading it) We . . wel . . .welcome . .
.to . . .Faaaaat . . . Kitty. Welcome to Fat Kitty! Hey that’s nice! They’re welcoming us to Fat Kitty! (looks around
suspiciously) I don’t see no cat.
HARRY: That’s “city,” you idiot. Welcome to Fat City.
HALLIE: Oh, I see.
HARRY: Now, we’re gonna play this town just like we did the last one. We’ll sit back and observe the people until we’ve
found their weakness. Then we’ll exploit that weakness and take ‘em for everything they’ve got.
HALLIE: Maybe they just feed it too much.
HARRY: What?
HALLIE: The cat. Maybe they feed it too much. I once had a canary that never stopped eating, and it got so fat I
couldn’t see its feet anymore. I’d let it sit on my shoulder and it would just roll right off.
HARRY: (annoyed) Will you knock it off with the fat kitty? There is no cat! Now, how do we find their weakness?
HALLIE: I know, I know, pick me, Harry, pick me!
HARRY: I was already asking you.
HALLIE: (SHE recites a memorized answer.) We study them until we find a commonality between them.
HARRY: Very good. We’ll watch them until we can see something similar in them all. Something they all have in
common. Every town has something that all the citizens like to do, or they all have a common ancestry, or they all
have a certain loyalty. Once we find it, we set up our scam.
HALLIE: Like that last town, they all loved playing ping pong.
HARRY: Exactly! Oh, I love the old ping pong con.
HALLIE: Or maybe their cat ate my canary! That would do it.
HARRY: Just keep your eyes peeled and your mouth shut.
(THEY sit on a bench. A Frisbee flies on from Left. LARRY comes running on after it. HE is huge. HE makes a great
acrobatic diving attempt to catch the Frisbee. JEN, STEPHANIE, and ARNIE come running on after him. THEY are all
just as big. LARRY comes to rest on his back.)
JEN: Nice one, Larry!
ARNIE: Yeah! Over here Larry. (claps for the Frisbee)
LARRY: Just a minute. I gotta get up. (HE wiggles around on the ground trying to get up but the padding is making it
difficult.)
STEPHANIE: You wanna hand, Larry?
LARRY: Thanks, Steph. If you could just roll me over, I think I could push myself up. (STEPHANIE bends over LARRY
and attempts to roll him over, but SHE loses her balance and falls to the ground on her back too.)
JEN: Oh, Stephanie! Let me help you. (JEN runs to STEPHANIE, and ARNIE runs to LARRY, and THEY try to help,
but THEY also lose their balance and fall on their backs. The four of them lie there wiggling unable to get up.)
ARNIE: I think we have a problem.
STEPHANIE: Yeah, this sucks.
(HARRY and HALLIE just watch them.)
JEN: What are we gonna do?
LARRY: (spotting HARRY and HALLIE) Hey stranger, would you mind giving us a hand?
HARRY: Why certainly, young man. (HE nudges HALLIE and THEY stand up and approach LARRY) What can we do
for you?
LARRY: Well, if you could roll me over, I could push myself up.
HARRY: Nonsense my friend, why should we help you half of the way when we can help you all of the way?
(HE and HALLIE grab LARRY’s arms and give a tug but HE won’t budge)
Hallie, you lift from the other end.
(HALLIE gets behind LARRY and grabs his shoulders while HARRY grabs both of LARRY’s arms.)
Ready? One, two, three!
(THEY push and pull and LARRY comes half way up to a standing position, but then HALLIE slips and falls under
LARRY. HARRY cannot hold him and LARRY falls back landing right on top of HALLIE. HALLIE gasps for air and
pounds the ground.)
Well that didn’t work.
(HARRY goes behind LARRY and pushes his shoulders up, releasing HALLIE who scrambles away. SHE shutters.)
One more time, shall we? And this time watch your footing, Hallie.
(THEY lift LARRY the same way, but this time THEY are successful. LARRY now stands on his own two feet.)
LARRY: Thanks a lot. I better help my friends now.
HARRY and HALLIE: No!
HARRY: You’d better let us do the lifting.
(HARRY and HALLIE help the others up in the same manner.)
ARNIE: Gee, thanks Mister.
HARRY: No problem. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Harry Hanley, and this is my assistant, Hallie.
STEPHANIE: Pleased to meet you, sir.
(LARRY retrieves the Frisbee.)
JEN: Thanks for helping us up. One time I got stuck for three hours.
HALLIE: How did you finally get up?
JEN: I don’t remember.
HALLIE: That’s funny, me neither.
(Enter the BAKER and the BUTCHER from Left.)
BAKER: So the doctor says my stretch marks are starting to form the face of Satan. I don’t know what that means, but it
can’t be good.
BUTCHER: I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m always seeing faces in my stretch marks. Sometimes if I jiggle my tummy, it
looks like they’re talking.
(THEY approach the KIDS.)
BAKER: Hey, Larry.
LARRY: Hey, the town Butcher and the town Baker! Have you made any more of those delicious cookies of yours
lately?
BAKER: You bet, just cooked up a batch this morning with extra Crisco shortening.
ARNIE: I love Crisco.
BUTCHER: Hey, do you guys ever see faces in your stretch marks?
JEN: Yeah, mine look like aliens.
STEPHANIE: My butt looks like one of those dogs with the wrinkly faces.
JEN: Oh, you know what happened last night? My mom bit my thigh cause she said she thought it was cottage cheese.
STEPHANIE: You guys, look! The cops are coming! (SHE points off Left.)
(HARRY and HALLIE grab their stuff and back away Up Stage. The KIDS look off Left. The COPS enter. THEY wear
semi-matching clothes like sweat suits, but THEY do not have uniforms with the exception of Key Stone Cop hats,
badges pinned to their chests and Billy Clubs hooked to their sides. THEY march in step with the CHIEF calling out the
step. THEY are very sharp and militaristic.)
CHIEF: Hup, two, three, four, keep it up, two, three, four, etc. (HE stops them center stage as the KIDS get out of their
way.) Company, mark time!
(The COPS march in place.)
Company hault!
(The COPS all stop, stand at attention facing Right and reply in time.)
COPS: Hoy hup!
CHIEF: Company, right face.
(The COPS turn right so THEY are facing Up Stage and right at HARRY and HALLIE.)
COPS: Hoy hup!
(HARRY and HALLIE try to look inconspicuous.)
CHIEF: Company, about face!
(The COPS spin around on the beat and face Down Stage.)
COPS: Turn around!
CHIEF: Inspection Arms!
COPS: Hoy!
(All the COPS swing their arms forward for inspection. The CHIEF walks down the row inspecting their arms like a
military commander.)
CHIEF: (to COP 1) Soldier, you’ve been biting your nails again, haven’t you?
COP 1: Sorry sir.
CHIEF: (steps up to COP 2) Soldier, your posture is bad. Stand up straight.
(COP 2 straightens out)
Shoulders back.
(COP 2 adjusts shoulders)
And suck in that gut.
(COP makes a facial expression of gut sucking, but nothing happens to the padded gut.)
Yes, well, we’ll work on that. (HE moves on to COP 3. HE looks down the barrel of his arm and then notices COP 3’s
hands.) Trim the hair on your knuckles!
COP 3: Yes sir!
COP 4: (to COP 5) I hate inspection.
CHIEF: Silence! There’s no talking during inspection! (HE gets in the face of COP 4.) I suppose you think inspection
time is a time for fun and games, don’t you soldier!?
COP 4: (timidly) No, sir.
CHIEF: Rather be doing something else, would we?!
COP 4: No, sir.
CHIEF: I suppose you’d rather be down at the Krispy Cream polishing off another dozen donuts!
COP 4: No, sir.
COP 5: (dreamily) Mmmm, Krispy Cream.
CHIEF: What did you say!?
COP 5: Krispy Cream Donuts. Mmmm. Sir, can we head over there for breakfast?
CHIEF: Breakfast?! Soldier, we are in the middle of an inspection. Now wipe that stupid grin off your face.
COP 5: But sir, have you ever had their Chocolate Fudge Topped Bavarian Cream Filled Donut? It’s to die for.
COP 1: I’ll agree with that.
(CHIEF spins around to look at COP 1)
COP 2:
COP 3:
COP 4:
COP 3:
COP 5:
CHIEF:
I like their plain glazed, when they’re just out of the oven, nice and warm. They practically melt in your mouth.
You don’t even need milk. Of course I always have milk.
I have my milk with a little cream in it.
Yeah, and a bit of melted butter.
Ooo, you just gave me goose bumps all over.
Alright, knock it off! You are at attention!
(The COPS snap back to attention)
There will be no more talk of donuts and milk and cream and butter and chocolate fudge and Bavarians and those little
colorful sprinkles. (As HE lists the items HE goes into a dream state himself and then snaps out of it.) Besides, we’ve
already had breakfast.
COP 2: What about brunch?
COP 3: And after brunch, maybe we can have an early lunch or a late breakfast.
CHIEF: Perhaps. But now we must finish the inspection.
(LARRY rushes up beside COP 5 and stands at attention. CHIEF moves on and stands at LARRY.)
What’s this?
LARRY: Someday, I want to be a cop just like you, sir.
CHIEF: Is that so? Well, let’s see what you’ve got? Company, Attention.
(The COPS snap to attention and follow the CHIEF’s commands. LARRY does his best to follow along.)
Left Face! Right Face! About Face! (HE speeds up.) Left Face, Left Face, Right Face, Left Face, About Face, About
Face, Right Face.
(THEY are now all facing Right.)
Mark time, Harch!
(The COPS start marching in place. THEY say “HUP” with each left foot step.)
Forward Harch!
(COPS and LARRY march forward four steps.)
About Face!
(The COPS turn around and march Left, but LARRY doesn’t make the turn and collides with COP 5 sending LARRY to
the ground and COP 5 back into COP 4, which causes a chain reaction with all the COPS and LARRY falling on their
backs. THEY wiggle around to get up without success. HARRY, HALLIE, STEPHANIE, JEN, ARNIE and CHIEF all
jump to help them. This time THEY roll them over and THEY are able to get up on their own. HARRY helps the CHIEF
and when the CHIEF gets up, HE and HARRY are standing center.)
CHIEF: Thank you very much. Nice to see a civilian getting involved.
HARRY: I agree. I’m Harry Hanley.
CHIEF: Very good.
JEN: Hey Chief, here comes Bobby and his friends.
(Enter the HOOLIGANS from right. The COPS have gotten into a straight line by now.)
CHIEF: At ease, men.
(The COPS stand easy but still in their line.)
BOBBY: (with attitude) Well, well, look who it is. What brings your flat feet snooping around here, Copper?
CHIEF: Hello, Bobby. We’re doin’ crowd control for the town meeting.
BOBBY: Is that right? What’s there to control?
CHIEF: You and your little band of hooligans for one thing.
BOBBY: Hooligans? Hey fellas, did yous knows we’s was hooligans?
HOOLIGAN 1: Hooligans? What’s a hooligan?
HOOLIGAN 2: Don’t you knows nothin’? A hooligan is that guy who got stuck on that island with the professor and Mary
Ann.
HOOLIGAN 1: Oh right.
HOOLIGAN 3: That’s not a hooligan, you ignoramuses. A hooligan is a roughian who likes to makes trouble.
HOOLIGAN 2: Is that right? Well, that is definitely us then.
HOOLIGAN 4: Yeah, good call, chief.
CHIEF: You listen to me, now. I don’t want any trouble from you during the Mayor’s speech. You got that?
BOBBY: (sarcastic.) Sure, Chief. I’s gots it. (to HOOLIGAN 1) Have yous gots it?
HOOLIGAN 1: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HOOLIAN 2) Have you’s gots it?
HOOLIGAN 2: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HOOLIAN 3) Have you’s gots it?
HOOLIGAN 3: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HOOLIAN 4) Have you’s gots it?
HOOLIGAN 4: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HOOLIAN 5) Have you’s gots it?
HOOLIGAN 5: Sure, I’s gots it. (to CHIEF) Have you’s gots it?
CHIEF: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HARRY) Have you’s . . .(realizing what HE’s doing) Just don’t give me any trouble.
HOOLIGAN 5: Hey, Chief. What’s the Mayor gonna talk abouts anyways.
CHIEF: Same old thing I presume.
HOOLIGAN 4: I’s gettin’ awful tired of hearin’ abouts it.
CHIEF: We all are. Just keep quiet and be respectful. You got that?
HOOLIGAN 5: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HOOLIGAN 4) Have you’s gots it?
HOOLIGAN 4: Sure, I’s gots it. (to HOOLIGAN 3) Have you’s gots it?
CHIEF: Alright, knock it off!
(Enter CINDY and THE BALLERINAS dancing on from Right. The COPS and HOOLIGANS back up a bit to give them
room. THEY do a short dance where THEY twirl and leap several times. THEY bow at the end of their dance. Both
BOBBY and the CHIEF go nuts with applause.)
CINDY: Hey Chief. Hey Bobby.
(The CHIEF and BOBBY both are obviously interested in CINDY.)
CHIEF AND BOBBY: Hey Cindy. (THEY BOTH try to suck in their guts and stick out their chests but with little effect.)
CHIEF: (flirtatious.) So how’s the ballet club going?
BOBBY: (more flirtatious.) Uh, yeah, Cindy, how’s the ballet club going?
CINDY: Just great. We’ve got a recital on Saturday during the Fatfest celebration. You gonna come?
CHIEF: You bet.
BOBBY: Wouldn’t miss it.
STEPHANIE: Can kids come?
BALLERINA 1: Sure, it’s gonna be during the town picnic.
BALLERINA 2: Right here in the park.
ARNIE: Ballet? I hate ballet.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s on par with opera.
JEN: Boys just don’t have any culture. It’s all part of Fatfest!
BALLERINA 3: Thanks, girls. It’s nice to know someone appreciates the arts.
CHIEF: I appreciate the arts.
BOBBY: Yeah, yeah, I’s do toos. Especially your art, Cindy. You put the fine in fine arts.
CHIEF: Uh, you can count on the Fat City Police Department to make sure everything goes smoothly for your recital,
Cindy.
BOBBY: And you can count on the Fat City . . .uh, the Fat City . . . uh…
HOOLIGAN 1: Gilligans!
BOBBY: The Fat City Gilligans to . . .no wait a minute . . .that’s not right. The Fat City . . .
HOOLIGAN 2: Millionaires?
BOBBY: No.
HOOLIGAN 4: Movie Stars?
BOBBY: No.
HOOLIGAN 5: Skippers?
BOBBY: No.
HOOLIGAN 3: It’s “Hooligans” you ignoramuses.
BOBBY: That’s it! You can count on the Fat City ignoramuses to make sure . . .
CHIEF: Make sure what?
BOBBY: Make sure . . .all the banana peels are picked up.
BALLERINA 4: Banana peels?
BOBBY: Banana peels can be very dangerous when you’re dancing.
CINDY: Thanks, Bobby.
(SHE extends her hand and BOBBY takes it and kisses it. HE eyes the CHIEF while HE’s kissing it.)
And Thanks Chief.
(SHE extends her other hand to the CHIEF, and HE snatches it up and kisses it. When THEY finish, BOBBY and the
CHIEF stare each other down.)
BALLERINA 5: Hey Cindy, we better stretch before we cool down.
CINDY: Right. See ya boys.
BOBBY AND CHIEF: See ya, Cindy.
(CINDY and the BALLERINAS find a corner up stage where THEY can do some light stretches. THE KIDS find a
different corner to toss the Frisbee around, The HOOLIGANS talk amongst themselves, and the COPS group up to
receive orders from the CHIEF. HARRY and HALLIE just stand back and watch. Enter JEFFERY and his MOTHER
from Left. JEFFERY carries a picnic basket.)
MOTHER: Come along, Jeffery, we don’t want to be late for the Mayor’s big announcement.
JEFFEREY: Mother, look around, the Mayor’s not even here yet. We could have stayed home a few more minutes and
eaten lunch.
MOTHER: Oh Jeffery, we already ate lunch.
JEFFEREY: Only for an hour. Now I’m gonna be starving during the whole speech.
MOTHER: No you won’t. That’s why I packed that picnic basket.
(At the word “picnic” EVERYONE’s head – except for HARRY and HALLIE – jerks up and looks over at JEFFERY and
MOTHER. MOTHER opens the picnic basket.)
You see, I packed you some goodies. We’ve got . . .
(At the word “goodies” EVERYONE –except for HARRY and HALLIE - screams and charges the picnic basket
completely engulfing JEFFERY and MOTHER. When the basket is empty THEY all walk casually back to their places
with their mouths full, licking their fingers, and finishing off whatever THEY got to eat. MOTHER is licking her fingers
too.)
JEFFERY: I told you we should have eaten at home.
MOTHER: Didn’t you get any?
CHIEF: Jeffery, my boy, that’s why we have town ordinance 326 – No food in public. You know that. No one can resist.
It’s like putting a fly in a spider web.
BALLERINA 4: Or candy in front of a baby.
ARNIE: (mouth still full) Or a Twinkie in front of me.
JEFFERY: It was Mother’s idea.
LARRY: Great idea Mrs. J.
JEFFERY: But Chief, isn’t that just like stealing?
CHIEF: Stealing? I should say not, my boy. (addressing the COPS) Company, Atten hut!
(The COPS snap to attention)
Recite for master Jeffery town ordinance 326.
ALL COPS: Any food brought into public view is considered public property and is done so at the owners own risk.
CHIEF: If it was against the law, everyone would be in jail. So we just made it legal.
BALLERINA 4: First come, first serve!
CHIEF: At ease!
(the COPS relax)
HOOLIGAN 1: Hey Jeffery, you invented anything lately?
(All the HOOLIGANS laugh.)
JEFFERY: Maybe.
HOOLIGAN 2: Your inventions never work.
HOOLIGAN 4: Yeah, remember that machine you tried to invent that peels the skins off grapes?
HOOLIGAN 5: It just flung them all over the room.
BALLERINA 1: (deep in thought) Mmm, grape skins.
ALL TOWNS PEOPLE: Mmm.
HOOLIGAN 3: And what about your latest invention – the stickless popsicle?
COP 3: That didn’t work.
BALLERINA 1: (deep in thought) Mmm, popsicles.
ALL TOWNSPEOPLE: Mmm
BALLERINA 2: And remember that cheeseless mouse trap?
JEFFERY: I thought people would rather eat the cheese than put it on a trap.
JEN: I know I do.
COP 1: Yeah, but the traps smelled too much like cheese.
COP 2: The whole town had swollen tongues for a week.
BALLERINA 1: (deep in thought) Mmm, cheese scented mouse trap.
ALL TOWNS PEOPLE: Mmm.
COP 4: And then there was the bristleless toothbrush.
BALLERINA 3: That was the lamest idea you’ve ever had.
COP 5: That was pretty dumb.
BOBBY: I don’t know why you keep trying, Jeffery.
HOOLIGAN 4: Why don’t you just give up?
MOTHER: Leave him alone, all of you! Someday he’ll invent something great! And then you’ll be sorry!
BALLERINA 5: Here comes the mayor!
(MAYOR and SPOUSE enter from Left. EVERYONE reacts to him.)
MAYOR: Thank you. Good morning everyone. Are you ready for my speech?
BOBBY: Yeah, let’s get this over with.
SPOUSE: Hold your horses, Booby.
BOBBY: Bobby.
SPOUSE: Of course.
MAYOR: Well if you’re all ready I’ll begin.
CHIEF: Company, Atten hut!
(The COPS snap to attention)
Crowd control, now!
(The COPS spread out and part the CROWD so that the MAYOR can walk Up Center.)
MAYOR: (to SPOUSE.) I don’t think my speech is ready.
SPOUSE: It’s ready. It’s perfect.
MAYOR: I need to spruce it up a bit. It needs more jokes.
SPOUSE: Don’t tell any jokes.
MAYOR: Just a couple.
SPOUSE: Your jokes never work. Don’t tell any jokes.
MAYOR: Just a few. (MAYOR turns and walks Up Center and stands up on a park bench and turns to face the
CROWD.)
(THEY all face the MAYOR. HE clears his throat. The CROWD is quiet.)
Good morning citizens of Fat City! As Mayor of the munchkin city…
(no one laughs)
I’ve always wanted to say that. I guess you’re all wondering why I called you here today. Well, I wanna tell you about
a once in a life time opportunity called Amway.
(no one laughs)
. . .Just kidding. (HE clears his throat again) Welcome to the week of Fat City Celebration!
(The CROWD cheers)
But before we go over this week’s itinerary, there is a problem with this town I wish to address. This problem affects
everyone who lives here, and it has to do with the name of our great city. Fat City. I have noticed that everyone who
resides here is . . .well is . . .how should I put this? . . .is a bit on the um . . .(makes fat gestures with his hands) . . .
well, has a bit to spare in the midsection.
HOOLIGAN 5: You mean we’re all fat.
MAYOR: Exactly. And I’m not exempt from this condition. In fact, I just have to look at food, and I gain weight. I went in
to the grocery store the other day and I couldn’t get out. Ha, ha, ha, ha! (HE pauses for laughter but there is none.) If I
were to wear a thong, I’d look like a pear with a rubber band wrapped around the bottom. Ha, ha, ha!
(still no laughter)
My wife says I could also work on my tan. The little lady and I went to the beach the other day and some of you
mistook me for the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Ha, ha!
(no laughter)
Some kids tried to roast me. Ha ha? I taste like mesquite chips now? Ha ha?
SPOUSE: Just give your speech, dear.
MAYOR: Well, with that said, this condition that we all share has caused some problems. For instance, the other day
my wife fell through the floor.
BALLERINA 1: I’ve done that.
COP 1: Me too.
STEPHANIE: Me too.
BALLERINA 2: I think we’ve all done that at some point.
MAYOR: But that’s not all. Our car’s tires are rubbing on the inside of the fender.
COP 2: Mine too.
BALLERINA 3: Aren’t they supposed to do that?
(EVERYONE agrees that it’s a problem.)
MAYOR: You will also notice that we have no more swings in the park, and the slide is out of commission. We just can’t
afford to replace them anymore.
(EVERYONE sighs sadly.)
And I’m sure that some of you have experienced the trouble of falling down and not being able to get back up. The
other day I got down on the floor to set a mouse trap, the cheeseless kind, and I couldn’t get back up for 20 minutes.
COP 3: You could starve in that time!
(EVERYONE complains about falling and not being able to get up.)
MAYOR: Friends! Friends, I have thought this problem through and have come up with a temporary solution for the
falling and not being able to get up problem.
JEN: What is it?
LARRY: Tell us!
MAYOR: I have hired two new city employees which I like to call the tippers. Tippers!
(The TIPPERS enter from Left with snow shovels. The MAYOR steps off the bench and parts the CROWD and meets
the TIPPERS down center.)
MAYOR: Can I have a volunteer to demonstrate?
BOBBY: (stepping forward) I’s ‘ill volunteers.
MAYOR: Thank you, Booby.
BOBBY: Bobby.
MAYOR: Yes, quiet. Well, here we go. (The MAYOR steps on BOBBY’s foot and then pushes him over.)
(BOBBY lands on his back and squirms to get up but can’t.)
HOOLIGAN 4: Ha, ha, he can’t get up.
MAYOR: How many of us have been in this exact situation before?
(EVERYONE but HARRY and HALLIE raise their hands.)
CHIEF: As much as five times a day for me.
CINDY: (flirting with CHIEF) Hey, me too.
BOBBY: (trying to get CINDY’s attention) Six times a day for me!
MAYOR: Now instead of being stuck all day, you just call for the Tippers. Try it Boabby.
BOBBY: That’s Booby…Bobby!
MAYOR: Go ahead.
BOBBY: Alright. Tippers!
(The TIPPERS spring into action. THEY scoop BOBBY with the shovel and tip him over onto his stomach and then
THEY help him to his knees and then help him stand up. EVERYONE claps.)
MAYOR: Nice work, Tippers.
BOBBY: That was great, Mayor.
BALLERINA 5: I see why you call them Tippers.
BALLERINA 4: Good idea, Mayor.
JEFFERY: And how are these Tippers gonna be funded?
MAYOR: That’s the beauty of it. They were homeless bums I found pan handling down at City Hall. They had a sign
that said, “Will work for food,” so I thought why don’t I just strap a couple of shovels to them and make them part of the
solution instead of the problem. I just feed ‘em Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner . . .and a few in between meal snacks
and bingo, we got our selves the Town Tippers.
TIPPER 1: (holding out a can) We also accept tips.
TIPPER 2: We’re also the town tippees.
JEFFERY: And where do you get the money to pay for all their food?
MAYOR: Don’t worry about that. It won’t cost any of you a cent, it’s all paid for with city funds.
JEFFERY: So it’s taxpayer funded?
BALLERINA 1: Hurray, we don’t have to pay for it!
COP 4: Three cheers for the Mayor! Pip, pip!
MAYOR: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! This is just a temporary solution to a much bigger problem. This will help us
when we fall but what about our floors, and our swing sets and our tires. Chief, where are your policemen’s uniforms?
CHIEF: We outgrew them, sir.
MAYOR: You see? We are fat! Fat, fat, fat!
(BALLERINA 2 starts to cry.)
Not you, Jill, we all know you just have a low metabolism.
(BALLERINA 2 stops crying.)
But the rest of us are just plain too big! That is why if have decided to offer a reward to anyone who can come up with
a way that we can lose weight.
JEN: We’ve tried diets!
MAYOR: Yes, we’ve tried diets. No one seems to like salad unless we use M&M’s for croutons and Hershey’s syrup for
dressing. I had a salad the other day and somehow a whole bag of Clark Bars fell in out of nowhere. No, diets are not
the answer, although everyone did like trying Cindy’s diet of Cheesecake and Deep Fried Mozzarella Sticks. No, diets
won’t work. That’s why I am starting this contest and giving a substantial reward from the coughers of the city treasury
to whoever can make us thin. The contest will start today, and in one week, during our Fatfest celebration at the
annual town picnic, right here, we’ll judge the contestants and their ways of making us thin!
HOOLIGAN 5: Hey Jeffery, why don’t you invent a magic potion and make us thin!
(ALL THE HOOLIGANS laugh.)
JEFFERY: Maybe I will.
BALLERINA 1: Mmm, Mozzarella Sticks.
TOWNSPEOPLE: Mmm, Mozzarella Sticks.
(The whole town turns back to the MAYOR and listens to him as HE speaks in silence, and HARRY brings HALLIE down
center.)
HARRY: Do you have those placebo pills in your bag?
(SHE reaches into her bag and pulls out two large bottles of them.)
HALLIE: What are we gonna do?
HARRY: What’s one similar characteristic you see in every single citizen of this town?
HALLIE: They’re all jolly?
HARRY: They are jolly, I’ll give you that. But that’s not it. It has to do with the name of their town.
HALLIE: They’re all cat lovers?
HARRY: No, you idiot. They’re fat! They’re all fat! And what’s more, they’re all looking for a quick fix. (HE grabs the
two bottles from her.) Well, I’ve got their fix right here.
(HARRY turns back to the CITIZENS where the MAYOR now becomes audible.)
MAYOR: Now folks, let’s discuss the Fat City Days of Celebration! Remember that Saturday will be the only day we will
suspend town ordinance 326. And don’t forget the itinerary of the fatfest celebration on the days before the town
picnic. On Thursday we have the Fatfest three-legged race and on Friday we have the Fatfest Johnny On The Pony
competition. But now, let us put an end to our troubles and let the contest begin!
END OF FREE PREVIEW