Using the Telephone for Visiting
Sandra Cohen, LCSW
Active Listening
(drawn from Communication in Organizations, by Dalmar Fisher)
Reflective listening has its roots the fields of counseling and psychotherapy, particularly in Carl Rogers's
"client-centered" therapy. This is not to say that people in organizations should become therapists, but rather
that this one therapeutic skill can be very useful in many everyday work situations.
Reflective listening is used in situations where you are trying to help the speaker deal with something. As you
will see, it is very similar to what Tannen would called rapport-talk.
There are two major aspects of client-centered listening – the "listener orientation" and the "reflective
technique".
Listening Orientation
In reflective listening, the listener adopts what Rogers called "the therapist's hypothesis". This is the belief that
the capacity for self-insight, problem-solving, and growth resides primarily in the speaker. This means that the
central questions for the listener are not 'What can I do for this person? or even "How do I see this person" but
rather "How does this person see themselves and their situation?"
Rogers and others have made the underlying orientation of the listener more specific by noting that it contains
four components: empathy, acceptance, congruence, and concreteness.
Empathy is the listener’s desire and effort to understand the recipient of help from the recipient's internal frame
of reference rather than from some external point of view, such as a theory; a set of standards, or the listener's
preferences. The empathic listener tries to get inside the other's thoughts and feelings. The idea is to obtain an
emic rather than etic understanding of the situation.
Expressed verbally and nonverbally though messages such as "I follow you," "I’m with you" or "I understand,"
empathy is the listener's effort to hear the other person deeply, accurately, and non-judgmentally. A person who
sees that a listener is really trying to understand his or her meanings will be willing to explore his or her
problems and self more deeply.
Empathy is surprisingly difficult to achieve. We all have a strong tendency to advise, tell, agree, or disagree
from our own point of view.
Acceptance is closely related to empathy. Acceptance means having respect for a person for simply being a
person. Acceptance should be as unconditional as possible. This means that the listener should avoid expressing
agreement or disagreement with what the other person says. This attitude encourages the other person to be less
defensive and to explore aspects of self and the situation that they might otherwise keep hidden
Congruence refers to openness, frankness, and genuineness on the part of the listener. The congruent listener is
in touch with themselves. If angry or irritated, for example, the congruent person admits to having this feeling
rather than pretending not to have it (perhaps because they are trying to be accepting). They communicate what
they feel and know, rather than hiding behind a mask. Candor on the part of the listener tends to evoke candor
in the speaker. When one person comes out from behind a facade, the other is more likely to as well.
23rd Annual Conference on Visiting the Sick  Sunday, November 14, 2010 @ UJA-Federation of New York
The Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council/JBFCS
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org  Website: www.bikurcholimcc.org  (212) 632-4730
Using the Telephone for Visiting
Sandra Cohen, LCSW
In some cases, the principle of congruence can be at odds with the principles of empathy and acceptance. For
example, if the listener is annoyed with the other person, they probably have to suspend empathy and
acceptance until they sort things out.
Concreteness refers to focusing on specifics rather than vague generalities. Often, a person who is has a
problem will avoid painful feelings by being abstract or impersonal, using expressions like "sometimes there are
situations that are difficult" (which is vague and abstract), or "most people want…" (which substitutes others for
oneself). The listener can encourage concreteness by asking the speaker to be more specific. Foe example,
instead of a agreeing with a statement like "You just can’t trust a manager. They care about themselves first and
you second", you can ask what specific incident the speaker is referring to.
In active listening, it is important not only that the listener have an orientation with the four qualities of
empathy, acceptance, congruence and acceptance, but that the speaker feel that listener has this orientation.
Consequently, a good listener tries to understand how the other is experiencing the interaction and to shape their
responses so that other person understands where they are coming from. Furthermore, the listener must be
prepared to deviate from the four principles if that’s what the other person wants. For example, if the other
person asks for an opinion, the listener should give it, rather than avoid it as implied by the principles of
empathy and acceptance.
The Technique of Reflection
A listener can implement the elements of listening orientation through a method known as reflection. In
reflection, the listener tries to clarify and restate what the other person is saying. This can have a threefold
advantage: (1) it can increase the listener's understanding of the other person; (2) it can help the other to clarify
their thoughts; and (3) it can reassure the other that someone is willing to attend to his or her point of view and
wants to help.
Listening orientation and reflection are mutually reinforcing. Empathy, acceptance, congruence, and
concreteness contribute to the making of reflective responses. At the same time, reflective responses contribute
to the development and perception of the listening orientation.
Some principles of reflective listening:
More listening than talking
Responding to what is personal rather than to what is impersonal, distant, or abstract.
Restating and clarifying what the other has said, not asking questions or telling what the listener feels, believes,
or wants.
Trying to understand the feelings contained in what the other is saying, not just the facts or ideas.
Working to develop the best possible sense of the other's frame of reference while avoiding the temptation to
respond from the listener's frame of reference.
Responding with acceptance and empathy, not with indifference, cold objectivity, or fake concern.
23rd Annual Conference on Visiting the Sick  Sunday, November 14, 2010 @ UJA-Federation of New York
The Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council/JBFCS
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org  Website: www.bikurcholimcc.org  (212) 632-4730
Using the Telephone for Visiting
Sandra Cohen, LCSW
Responding to what is personal means responding to things the other person says about him- or herself rather
than about other people, events, or situations. If a co-worker said, "I'm worried that I'll lose my job" the
reflective listener would try to focus on the worried "I" rather than on the job situation. A response such as "It’s
scary" would be better than "Maybe the cutbacks won't affect you." When the listener responds to personal
statements rather than impersonal ones, the other usually stays at the personal level, exploring further aspects of
his or her experience, improving his or her understanding of the situation, and developing a more realistic,
active approach to solving problems.
Because the goal of the process is for the other person, rather than the listener, to take responsibility for the
problem, reflective listening means responding to, rather than leading, the other. Responding means reacting
from the other's frame of reference to what the other has said. In contrast, leading means directing the other
person to talk about things the helper wants to see the other explore. The responsive listener addresses those
things the other person is currently discussing, often testing his or her understanding of the other by restating or
clarifying what the other has just said, This usually encourages the other to build on the thoughts and feelings he
or she has just expressed and to explore further.
While questions can be responsive rather than leading, they very often work to limit the other's initiative by
focusing attention on something the listener feels should be discussed. Though small, the question "Why?" can
be particularly damaging, since it defies the other to find a justification or logical explanation that is acceptable
to the helper. Instead, you might try: "That's interesting; can you tell me more about it?”
Perhaps most important, the reflective listener tries to respond to feelings, not just to content. Feelings emerge
in the emotional tone that the speaker expresses, such as anger, disappointment, discouragement, fear, joy,
elation, or surprise. Content refers to ideas, reasons, theories, assumptions, and descriptions -- to the substance
of the speaker’s message. As Tannen notes, in troubles-talk, the speaker is often not looking for the solution of
the surface problem, but rather for a way to deal with the emotional and social ramifications.
In addition, Carl Rogers notes that a person who receives response at the emotional level has "the satisfaction of
being deeply understood" and can go on to express more feelings, eventually getting "directly to the emotional
roots" of their problem.
Usually, the listener can be most in touch with the other's frame of reference by responding to feelings that are
expressed rather than unexpressed. Since many people do not state their emotions explicitly, this may mean
responding to the emotional tone that they express implicitly.
It is extremely important for the reflective listener to respond to negative and ambivalent feelings because this
communicates that the listener accepts the unpleasant side of the other's experience and is willing to join in
exploring it. Such acceptance provides a major release form a person who has previously felt it necessary to
suppress negative feelings. The energy that has been used to keep these feelings in check can now be devoted to
exploring the problem.
Here is a little quiz intended to build your skill in applying the concepts just discussed:
A computer consultant, Jack Phillips, does work both for you and for another member of your department
(Joyce Carton). One morning you walk up to Jack's desk and he greets you as follows:
23rd Annual Conference on Visiting the Sick  Sunday, November 14, 2010 @ UJA-Federation of New York
The Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council/JBFCS
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org  Website: www.bikurcholimcc.org  (212) 632-4730
Using the Telephone for Visiting
Sandra Cohen, LCSW
Jack: What am I supposed to do about Joyce? She throws more work at me than I can possibly handle. I've told
her but she won't listen. I don't want people to think I'm trying to get out of doing my job but she’s really got me
totally buried
Which of the possible responses listed below would represent reflective listening. And which would not?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Hang in there: I'm sure it will work out eventually
I’ll talk to Joyce about it
It sounds like this is really getting you down
You're worried people will think you are a slacker?
Joyce is really unfair, huh?
Have you discussed it with Jim [the boss]?
You were discouraged when Joyce didn’t listen?
Why have you let things go on this long?
You’re really getting fed up with the situation.
The next step is to actually try it out on people. It will be awkward at first. It is really hard to say reflective
things in a way that sounds natural for you. But you’ll find that even bad attempts tend to produce immediate
results, maybe because most people rarely have the experience of being listened to in this way.
Advantages of Reflective Listening. Used appropriately, reflective listening may provide three very positive
results:
The listener gains information. Reflective listening encourages the speaker to talk about more things in greater
depth than he or she would be likely to do in simply responding to directive questions or suggestions. Such
depth of discussion often exposes underlying problems, including ones the speaker had not recognized
previously.
The relationship between the two persons develops. The elements of listening orientation --empathy,
acceptance, congruence, and concreteness -- are likely to increase as the reflective listening process continues.
These are the ingredients for an open, trusting relationship.
The activity arouses and channels motivational energy. Because the listener is an accepting and encouraging
partner but leaves the initiative for exploring and diagnosing the problem mainly up to the speaker a normal
outcome of the process is that the speaker will recognize new avenues for action and will begin making plans to
pursue them.
23rd Annual Conference on Visiting the Sick  Sunday, November 14, 2010 @ UJA-Federation of New York
The Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council/JBFCS
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org  Website: www.bikurcholimcc.org  (212) 632-4730
The TCC Caring Committee Statement
of Purpose and Goals
The purpose of the Caring Committee will be to respond to members in
times of illness, loss, and crisis.
Our first goal is to establish a working committee of TCC members
interested in serving on this committee. We propose to accomplish this
by publicizing the committee via the TCC Newsletter, word of mouth,
and by announcements of the committee’s existence at the next two
Shabbats and Adult Perspectives.
Our second goal is to meet with the working committee and formulate
methods of response to those in need, i.e., phone calls, food shopping,
visits, etc., as well as methods for identifying those in need.
Our third goal is to publicize our committee at every Shabbat, at every
Adult Perspective and in every Newsletter.
The Caring Committee affirms the need to care for our own community,
members of The City Congregation (TCC), by enabling the Caring in
The Caring Community (TCC).
23rd Annual Conference on Visiting the Sick  Sunday, November 14, 2010 @ UJA-Federation of New York
The Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council/JBFCS
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org  Website: www.bikurcholimcc.org  (212) 632-4730
Telephone Visiting
Manual
Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council
A program of the Rita J. Kaplan Jewish Connections Program
of the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services
135 West 50th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10020
(212) 632-4730
Robin Schoenfeld, LMSW
Web: www.bikurcholimcc.org
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org
© February 2010 JBFCS/BCCC
This manual may be reproduced by notifying the Coordinating Council
via email or phone and including attribution to:
“JBFCS The Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council
www.bikurcholimcc.org ”
TABLE OF CONTENTS
The Visitor’s Role
Page 2
Telephone Visiting
Page 3
Sample Individual Program: One Visitor’s Vision
Page 4
Sample Synagogue Programs
Page 6
Techniques for the Telephone Visitor
Page 8
Interviewing Essentials
Page 10
Helpful Hints for Setting Limits and Saying No
Page 13
Creating a Safe Space
Page 14
Tips for Working with the Frail Older Adult
Page 15
Special Concerns
Page 17
Role Plays: Challenging Situations
Page 19
Emergency Procedures
Page 21
Appendix
Page 22
Many thanks to the people who are already involved in Telephone Visiting and who were graciously willing
to share their time with us so that we can present you with a variety of ideas and materials. Thanks to the
Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council Executive Committee for its support, guidance and encouragement as we
develop the Coordinating Council’s “Telephone Visiting Program.” We recognize the impact that one
individual can have, as well as the power involving many, through a synagogue outreach program and the
Jewish family agency.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
1|Page
THE VISITOR’S ROLE
Bikur Cholim, or visiting the sick, is more than an act of charity; it is a commandment that
is considered binding on all Jews. The importance of visiting the sick was underscored
when G-d visited Abraham after he was circumcised (Genesis 17:26-18:1). In the act of
visiting Abraham when he was ill, G-d set a precedent for the Jewish people.
Bikur Cholim is a paradigm for interpersonal relationships. “And you shall love your neighbor
as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). The performance of this mitzvah links us to all generations
and connects us as one people to each other and to all humanity through the G-dly
attributes of compassion and loving-kindness.
The Talmud makes references to scholars and disciples making visits to the sick. The local
Bikur Cholim Society was one of the principle institutions established by Jewish
communities, the first one formed at the time of the Middle Ages. Bikur Cholim groups
continue to exist to this day, in all parts of the world, with people making the commitment
to care for one another, and bring the strength of community and connection of Jewish
heritage to the bedside.
The ubiquitous telephone! How many of us have gotten calls that lift our spirits or warm
our hearts? - like a warm bowl of chicken soup. With forethought and skill the telephone
can be used for bikur cholim in a meaningful and efficient way. Many points of visiting are
the same whether “punim to punim” (face-to-face) or via the telephone; some are
different; both require us to be mindful of the ways we use ourselves so that we are most
helpful when we visit.
People who are ill, have disabilities, are elderly, and are confined frequently find
themselves increasingly isolated. As a telephone visitor, you can bring hope to someone in
need-including the need to know that someone cares. This can be done through a casual
conversation, news from the community, an interesting story, or even a few shared
moments of silence. Visitors benefit by performing a valuable mitzvah and often gain a
sense of satisfaction and self-worth. In these ways, telephone visiting can play a vital role
in the life of our community.
The mission of the Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council is to encourage the continuing vitality
of the mitzvah of bikur cholim by providing consultation, training, resource materials, and
conferences, supporting the efforts of individuals, synagogue groups or society, alike. We
provide the following materials to inform you about telephone visiting, a resource to you
while you engage in the mitzvah and to help you derive satisfaction from your commitment.
Each of us needs to decide what elements will be useful and convenient as we strive to
bring light and comfort to those whom we call.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
2|Page
TELEPHONE VISITING
Telephone Call Programs are designed to meet the needs of the
individual who would benefit from a phone call. The purpose of this
call is to provide comfort and companionship for the recipient. Calls
are usually made at a determined time, set up through a mutual
agreement of the person and the caller. This can be flexible as long
as all parties are aware of the time the calls will be made.
There are three basic forms that these calls can take which have different purpose &
emphasis:
1. Telephone Reassurance- calls that are regularly scheduled to those individuals who
live alone in order to provide them with some friendly conversation and to check on
their safety.
2. Safety Check- calls that are aimed at those people who live alone and whose health
places them at risk and, therefore, would benefit by being monitored on a daily
basis. A short 5-minute check-in call is made to determine that this individual is
“safe.”
3. Friendly Conversation- calls that are designed to help stimulate interest in the
outside world and to help renew the sense that someone cares for them. In many
cases, these people are ill or have lost a loved one, have experienced changes in their
economic circumstances, have restricted mobility or are no longer active in their
community. A friendly conversation is helpful in dealing with isolation. This call
usually lasts 10-15 minutes in length and is made once a week or on a consultant basis.
This is telephone visiting.
Adapted from Care Givers, Inc. Guidelines for Telephone Reassurance Calls
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
3|Page
DIAL UP A SMILE / CALL A FEW (FRIEND EVERY WEEK)
An interview with *Moishe, one person with a mission
Goal: “All Israel is responsible one for another.” People need to know that someone cares.
You need to be that someone.
Operation of Program:
• Enter people into speed dial.
• Brief call, averages 60 seconds-2 minutes but can be longer.
• Portable. Can call from cell phone while driving, can call while folding laundry, or
while performing any routine task.
• Emergency Plan – get number of close kin in case person doesn’t answer.
Training:
• No preparation required!
• “That you thought of the person to pick up the phone and call them is 90% of the
reassurance. People assume that if you take time out to call, you care; this is
reassurance.”
Attitudes and Values which will guide the work:
• “In future times, you will be held accountable not for the things you couldn’t do, but
those things that you could do but didn’t do.” - Talmud
• “You can earn olam haba (the world to come) in a minute.”-Moishe’s mother
• “Very little effort is required to do an enormous good.”
• People are lonely and appreciate being thought of. People appreciate the connection
more than you can imagine. - Rabbi Reisman, Brooklyn, NY
Referrals:
• Who to call is up to each individual.
• Who do you know? A relative, friend, or community member.
• Suggestions…someone who lost a spouse may be very lonely, a relative you see
infrequently, older singles, people new in your neighborhood, people hospitalized.
Responsibility and Boundaries:
• How will you get off the phone if need be?
BCCC: Plan your exit strategy ahead of time, there will be less possibility for
misunderstandings. Clarity of purpose, discussed with your phone pal, will prepare the
way.
• If someone is concerned: “why are you calling me?”
A good response might be “I shouldn’t call to wish you a good Shabbos?”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
4|Page
•
•
BCCC: Explain again your commitment to call. Have your reason ready so there is less
possibility for misunderstanding.
If someone asks you for something more than a call.
You can refuse, but depending on the request and motivation for the request you
may be a literal lifesaver to someone. Someone may need some shopping done when
their relative goes away. If you can, maybe you should do it.
90% of the time people don’t make any requests and are very appreciative of the call
alone.
Commitment:
• You are committing to call regularly and consistently. You are not attempting to take
over their life or adopt the person (unless that is your intention). Moishe
recommends initially not saying that you will call every week. This will give you an out
if you cannot commit with regularity. Once you do call with regularity (3-4 times) the
person will realize and come to expect the phone call. You can see the person’s
response and adjust your calls accordingly; for instance a longer call might be made
less frequently (once or twice a month) and weekly for a quicker call.
• BCCC: Whatever you decide, be sure to follow through as promised.
Maintenance:
When you develop your own list and have some connection with the person, your enthusiasm
is less likely to dwindle.
Postscript From ”Call A Few” to “Dial Up a Smile”
An idea to reach out to people who are lonely with a simple phone call began over 20 years
ago. The incredible ease of the mitzvah and feedback he received inspired Moishe to begin
what would become a larger campaign to encourage everyone to do telephone visiting. Two
years ago he put an ad in the Jewish Press and the Yated advertising his campaign which
they named, Call A FEW” (Friend Every Week). Torah U’mesorah, then helped publicize
Moishe’s campaign by presenting it as a chesed option at girls’ high schools. The campaign
founder then went to the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation who revised the motto,
marketed it as “Dial Up A Smile” and put ads in the Jewish newspapers. The message: pick
up the phone and call.
You can make a difference.
*a pseudonym, the founder prefers to remain anonymous.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
5|Page
SAMPLE SYNAGOGUE PROGRAMS
Organizing phone committees for your synagogue can make a difference. These are three examples.
Shabbat Connections
Congregation B’nai Jeshurun – New York
Goal: To enable more isolated congregants, generally 70+, to stay connected to the
community.
Operation of Program:
• Team leader gets list of prospective participants and calls each person to inquire if
s/he would like to receive a weekly call: “We’re looking to start intergenerational
linkages. Would you like to participate?”
• Interested congregants are each paired with a volunteer; matching is based on
mutual interests and hobbies, when possible.
• Forming personal connections is encouraged and Shabbat Connections partners may
decide to meet in person and spend time together.
• Calls are usually made weekly before Shabbat
• Volunteers submit updates on their phone contacts to the Team Leader regularly.
• Volunteers may speak with Team Leader if any troubleshooting is needed.
Training: Team leader gives volunteers one-page guidelines on points to consider when
making a phone visit.
Referrals: Come from Bikur Cholim co-chairs, the Rabbis, and other synagogue programs.
The “Connecting Team”
Holy Blossom Temple –Toronto
Goal: To keep a large population of elder members of the Temple involved in community by
giving or receiving phone visits.
Operation of Program: Seniors call seniors
Pairs become “telephone buddies with regular weekly calls.” Younger seniors call older
ones-building on natural connections of cohorts
Training: Callers provided with page of suggestions for conversation topics i.e. having to do
with Temple activities.
-Telephone callers have ongoing monthly meetings to touch base, get support and plan
events such as Chanukah party
-Difficulties reported to Rabbi or team leader
Referrals: Rabbis & Bikur Cholim members making visits to hospital or post home visit fill
out Bikur Cholim form requesting follow up phone call from Bikur Cholim committee or the
“Connecting Team.”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
6|Page
“Sorrow & Simchas”
Wilshire Blvd. Temple – Los Angeles
Goal: to convey “caring community concern” to all members at all stages of life. Telephone
call is normalized as a custom of the community.
Operation of program:
2 volunteers are on rotation each week to make phone calls to those people requiring a call
that week.
Training:
• 2 initial training sessions which include meetings with Rabbi & staff for overview of:
 The role of the Bikur Cholim volunteer,
 Confidentiality
 Visitor commitment
 Patients bill of rights
• Attend 4 educational workshops during the year. Topics pertinent to program e.g.
communication skills.
Referrals:
From Rabbis, friends, congregation “pipeline.” People are encouraged to make use of the
phone program through notices in synagogue bulletins. Coordinator gets the call and refers
it to the volunteer.
Simcha Referral Calls:
• For lifecycle congratulations i.e. Bar Mitzvah, baby born, condolences, and home from
hospital check in.
• Most phone calls are about acute need or life cycle event. If more telephone work is
required, the calls can continue for weeks. At some point, a telephone visitor may accept
an assignment.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
7|Page
TECHNIQUES FOR THE TELEPHONE VISITOR
Those you call should be prepared for the brief, limited type of contact you will be making
with them. Both caller and recipient need to know, appreciate, and accept boundaries.
Within a synagogue, understanding the nature of the call can be communicated through an
article in the news bulletin, through the Rabbi, or through the people in the community. At
JBFCS, the Coordinator will explain the purpose and the limits of telephone visiting to
those we plan to serve.
Beginning a telephone relationship:
Keep in mind your main job is to develop a friendly, trusting, limited telephone relationship.
For the first few calls, continue to formally introduce yourself until you feel the person
easily recognizes you (i.e. “Hello, this is _____, your Telephone Visitor from Synagogue, or
JBFCS”).
Record any specific information or current issues in your person’s life so you may refer to
it the next time you call.
Suggested conversation for the telephone call:
•
Continue to formally introduce yourself until the person easily recognizes you, i.e.,
“Hello, this is ______, your Telephone Visitor from JBFCS, or Congregation, etc.”
•
Follow with questions such as, “I’m calling to say hello and want to know if everything
is okay,” “How are you today?” “How are you feeling?” “Anything you think I might
need to know?” etc.
•
Close your conversation with, “Okay, I just wanted to check in (wish you a good
Shabbos...) and will call you again ________.”
•
Note that your telephone conversation may require verbal feedback, “I’m listening as
commentary to reassure the person you called that you are “with them.” Silence,
under the circumstances of telephone visiting, is not necessarily golden!
•
Remember, your main job is providing them with the comfort of knowing someone is
regularly checking in with him/her to see how he/she is. The phone calls are not
necessarily intended to be lengthy and in-depth chats towards developing a more
involved relationship. Should you be interested in developing such a relationship, or
feel that the person needs a more in-depth type of contact, discuss this
confidentially with your Coordinator, Rabbi, and/or Social Work Consultant before
taking any further steps.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
8|Page
Limiting the conversation:
You define the telephone relationship and purpose of call by the way you structure the
conversation. You may tell the person you enjoy talking with him/her, but that your time is
limited. For example, that you have ___ minutes to talk to him/her.
You may also remind your telephone call recipient of the purpose of your call, which is
really to check in with them and make sure everything is all right.
Ending a Visit:
The more your relationship develops the more difficult it might be to maintain the limits
under the length of the call. It is helpful to establish the following routine from the
beginning:
• Keep track of the time
• Before it is time to say goodbye prepare by saying something like “It is almost time
for me to say goodbye for today”.
• Review the day and time of next visit, perhaps mentioning something you might plan
to discuss and express your enjoyment of the time spent that day
Note: If the person continues to lengthen the conversation, it may be a sign that they
aren’t clear about the purpose of the Telephone Visiting or that a friendly relationship is
developing, or that they need additional help. Discuss the situation with the Coordinator or
with your Rabbi so that together you can figure out how to handle the situation.
Should there appear to be a problem developing in the persons life:
•
Clearly there will be those times when something is happening, and obtaining more
information during your phone call is appropriate. Please refer to the handout on
“Interviewing Techniques” for guidelines on obtaining more information.
•
Once you have a sense or a picture of the problem, state that you are concerned
about the person and what he/she is saying to you. Explain that you would like to be
helpful, and the best way you can is to share what has been told to you with the
Coordinator or Rabbi in confidentiality. If they agree to this, call the Coordinator or
Rabbi.
•
They might be resistant to this. It is important to respect the person’s wishes and
privacy. In this case, discuss the situation in confidence with member of your Bikur
Cholim Committee or Synagogue so that together you can strategize how you might
proceed.
Adapted from the JFS Seattle and Seattle Association for the Jewish Disabled “Companion Services Guide”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org
9|Page
INTERVIEWING ESSENTIALS
Visiting is an investment of time and includes attention, patience, perceptive listening, sincere
concern, openness, and communication skills.
Below are techniques to help facilitate communication when talking with the person receiving a
call:
Open Ended Questions:
• Use questions that elicit an in-depth response, one that cannot be answered with
“yes” or “no.”
• Use “How” and “What” instead of “Do,” “Did,” and “Were.”
• Examples:
• Closed: Are you feeling upset right now?
• Open: How do you feel right now?
• Closed: Do you like to read?
• Open: What are some activities that you enjoy doing?
• Open ended questions are good conversation starters:
• What was it like growing up in the 1930s (or other date)?
• How do you like living in your new apartment?
• How is your family doing?
• What do you think about____?
• How did you feel when____?
Drawing out or helping the person expand:
• “Tell me more . . ..”
• “Tell me about it.”
• “Tell me what happened.”
• “You seem upset.”
Clarifying or asking questions to better understand:
• “I’m not sure I really know what you mean when you say . . ..”
• “Let’s go over that one more time.”
Redirecting the conversation:
• “Thank you for your concern, but I’d really like to hear about . . .”
• “You mentioned before that . . .”
• “Let’s go back to . . . “
• “Let’s talk about . . .”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 10 | P a g e
Reviewing past and present efforts at problem solving:
• “Have you talked with anyone about this?”
• “What do you usually do when . . .?”
• “What did you do when this happened before?”
• “What have you done about this so far?”
• “What choices do you feel you might have?”
Double questions:
• Asking more than one question at a time makes it difficult for the person to answer
one or both of them.
• Examples:
 “How are you feeling? Pretty bad, huh?”
• “How are things going at home and with your family?”
• In holding a conversation, ask one question and then wait for the answer.
“Why” questions:
• At times, “why” questions are used as a way to convey judgment and can be
misunderstood.
• Asking “Why” makes a person feel as though you are attacking his or her ideas.
• Questions can be easily rephrased to avoid any misunderstandings.
• As in all verbal communication, tone of voice is very important and can change the
meaning behind the question.
• Examples:
• “Why are you late?” vs. “What caused your delay?”
• “Why did you quit your job?” vs. “How is it that you decided to quit
your job?”
• “Why do you want to eat out today?” vs. “Is there some special reason
for us eating out tonight?”
Responses to avoid:
• “Oh, don’t worry. Everything will turn out all right.”
• “Oh, yes, I know exactly how you feel. As a matter of fact, let me tell you about what
happened to me once . . .”
• “That’s terrible. She must be a real pill!”
• “What a mistake. You must really regret what you did.”
• “According to what I read in Psychology Today, you must be depressed because . . .”
• “Well, if I were you . . .”
• “You’d better stay away from people like that.”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 11 | P a g e
Active Listening:
• Show that you have heard what the person said.
 Summarizing briefly the meaning of what was said.
 Ask if you understood his or her feelings correctly.
• When you listen, just listen. Do not plan your reply while waiting for your turn to
talk.
 Wait until the person that is talking finishes. This way you can gather
all the information before responding.
• Making a restatement or paraphrasing. Reflect the feeling or emotion behind what
you think was said.
 Statement: “No one really cares about me.”
 Visitor: “You feel that no one especially is looking out for you?”
 Statement: “I just couldn’t tell her because we were never alone. All
those other people are always around.”
 Visitor: “You’d like to get her alone long enough to tell her.”
• Do not give advice. Help others to see their strengths and recognize their resources
and alternatives. Let them come to their own conclusions.
Keep an open mind. Be aware of your own values, beliefs, and prejudices. You are
participating in another person’s world, not judging it.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 12 | P a g e
HELPFUL HINTS FOR SETTING LIMITS AND SAYING “NO”
It is especially hard to say NO to two groups of people: people for whom we feel sorry and
people for whom we care. The people you will be working with can fall into one or both of
these categories. It is important to remember your role and your intentions and what you
can and cannot do as a visitor. But when asked to do something that you do not feel
comfortable doing, it can still be hard to decline. Sometimes you may feel guilty and
therefore obligated to perform the thing asked of you.
Boundaries- When we have good intentions and are clear that what
we are doing has merit, then when we set boundaries we need not
be apologetic, and there is no shame in that for ourselves or for
the other. Healthy boundaries are established when the attributes
of loving-kindness and strength are in balance...
Rabbi Uzi Weingarten course on: “Communicating with Compassion”
The following is a list of suggestions to help you in saying NO and setting limits with your
person:
BE AS BRIEF AS POSSIBLE
Simply state a legitimate reason for your refusal, “I really don’t have the time,” and avoid
long, elaborate explanations, justifications, and “lies” (e.g. “I can’t because my mother is
coming in from out of town” or “My child is ill”).
ACTUALLY SAY THE WORD “NO” WHEN DECLINING
The word “no” has more power and is less ambiguous than, “Well, I just don’t think so” or
“We’ll see” or “I can’t just now.”
REPETITION AND PERSISTENCE MAY BE NECESSARY
You may have to decline several times before the person “hears” you. It is not necessary
to come up with a new explanation each time. You can use your original reason over and
over again.
BOYCOTT THE WORDS “I’M SORRY”
Try to be conscious about using this phrase to excuse your refusal or otherwise weaken
your credibility. Habitual use of this phrase can be distracting to your real intent.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 13 | P a g e
CREATING A SAFE SPACE
Demonstrating Respect
Respect for those you speak with and their world requires sincere interest. When you feel
that you require more information or more details, don’t press immediately if it involves
cutting off or diverting the callers’ train of expression. Be patient and let the story unfold.
Acceptance
As an attitude, acceptance conveys a positive respect for the worth and integrity of the
person and implies that each of us has inherent value as a unique individual.
Acceptance is a simple technique of responding with short phrases, such as “Uh-huh” and
“yes, go on,” which imply an attitude of acceptance.
Showing acceptance does not mean that I have a duty to do something with your feeling or
to get you to stop feeling that way.
Empathy: An Accurate Understanding
Empathy is based on listening, identifying feelings with no need for judging them, and
verbalizing those feelings to aid a caller in reflecting on what they have said and indicating
your attention and desire to understand. By definition, an empathic response must contain
a feeling word, and often attaching words to affect can be difficult.
It is not necessary that the listener experience the other’s feelings; what is needed is an
appreciation of those feelings. In this way you can be aware of your own feelings as well as
moods or feelings of the other that s/he may be aware of only in a vague sense. This kind
of empathy can be illustrated by the following example: a man calls and says he has just
returned from a trip and has found that his friend is very ill. He tells the volunteer in a
dull tone of voice that he’s just sitting there alone not knowing what to do. An aware
listener might respond,
“It sounds like you’re feeling sad and worried right now”
Though the caller did not actually say any of those things, you may assume that those
feelings are present, even when the person himself has not identified them yet. Be open to
correction if you are not quite accurate. This feeling identification and verbalization may
help clarify the situation. Then he can begin to focus on whatever aspect of the situation is
the most troublesome.
Adapted from JBFCS- Helpline Training Manual
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 14 | P a g e
TIPS FOR WORKING WITH THE FRAIL OLDER ADULT
When an older person expresses a desire to die, what he or she really may be saying
is that he or she wants desperately to get relief from some current painful situation.
He or she may feel neglected, have a terrible headache, feel unwanted or any number of
things, many of which are temporary. It is important to discover the reason. Once you do
this, you can get down to the specifics. Meaningless generalities, such as “It’s a beautiful
day today and you should want to see it” or “You’ll feel better tomorrow” accomplish
nothing. Before you can be truly helpful, you must first find out the reason he or she wants
to die. Ask the person to explain him or herself. If you are still concerned, call the
Coordinator or Companion Services.
When an older person tells us that he or she feels so old, it is easy for us to want to
jump in with reassurances that they are not old, but this kind of quick denial tends to
reinforce a negative concept of aging, implying that aging is indeed undesirable. There is a
reason why this older person may feel older today. He or she may be tired, depressed, etc.,
all of which could change tomorrow. The best response might be, “what do you mean?” This
might lead to the reason why he or she feels so old, in which case you are in a better
position to respond or help.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 15 | P a g e
When an older person is resentful, we must accept this as a normal reaction and not take
it personally. Some older people, who are forced to limit their activities, often show
resentment of “whole” persons. People who visit those with limited mobility should have the
ability to recognize and accept a reasonable number of expressions of resentment. The
volunteer who is greeted with, “Go to hell, you old bat” may be startled but should not
become upset over the incident. It is resentment being voiced and would be said to any
person, not just the volunteer. However, we can and should expect some civility from our
person and if this becomes an ongoing issue, please speak with the Coordinator of
Companion Services.
When the older person is fearful or anxious, he or she can benefit just by talking about
his or her problems with an understanding person. When someone comes to us with what he
or she perceives to be a problem, we can either encourage or discourage this person by our
response. By inviting the person to share his or her feelings with us, we are providing him
or her valuable service. We may not perceive the problem with the same degree of
intensity, but for the older person, it is real and it may be of supreme importance.
When a person is dying, we should never assume that the person cannot understand what
we say, no matter what his or her condition. It is good practice to never say anything in
front of the person that we would not want him/her to hear. Too often people say things
within hearing distance of a dying person whom they believe is unresponsive, only to learn
later that what they said was fully understood. A person may be dying, but he or she is still
alive at this moment and acknowledgment of what is happening is the most direct and
honest response.
Whenever a confused, mentally impaired person asks you the same questions many
times during the day (“What day is it today”) you have to understand that he or she really
does not remember that the question has already been asked and answered before. To him
or her, it is still the first time. So it is rude and pointless to argue or tell the individual
that you have already answered their questions before. Instead, allow your patience to
guide you. Answer the question (“It is Tuesday”). True, your answer this time is not going
to prevent him or her from asking the same question later, but neither would any other
response. And after all, tomorrow you can come up with a different answer.
Adapted from Partners in Caring Volunteer Manual. Fremont Public Association (Arinna Moon, 1994)
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 16 | P a g e
SPECIAL CONCERNS
A person may experience one or more losses that affect his or her ability to communicate
and understand. Awareness of an individual’s limitations (loss of vision, hearing, medication
side effects or a disease that brings confusion and/or disorientation) and the use of
special communication techniques will improve the quality of your visits whether by
telephone or in person.
Declining Hearing:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Speak slowly and clearly, not loudly, but in a lower tone of voice.
Keep words and sentences short.
Ask person if it is okay to turn off background noise when speaking (radio, TV and
other distractions).
Ask the person if they are able to hear you.
If you must repeat what you have said, try rephrasing it.
Remember, it is easier for the hard of hearing person to talk than to listen.
Difficulty with Speech:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Do not speak loudly unless you know the person has a hearing impairment.
Take 3-5 minutes to listen to your person’s speech pattern. You will pick it up with
patience.
Turn down the radio and TV so you are not distracted (Make sure to ask if this is
okay with them).
Do not finish sentences for another person. Again, use patience and give the person
a chance to express his/her needs.
Be aware of the tone of your voice. Does it convey frustration, anxiousness or
anger? Try to use a calm, soothing voice.
Assume there is capability for insight. If someone refuses to do something they
ordinarily enjoy doing, it may be that they are sad, angry frustrated, anxious,
preoccupied, etc. about their condition. Check to see if this is so, and offer support.
Memory loss, disorientation or confusion:
•
•
•
Use short sentences. Break down instructions into components: “Put your arm in the
sleeve.” “Button up.”
Ask one question at a time. Avoid asking open-ended questions.
Listen actively. Do not pretend. If you do not understand something, ask the person
to repeat the information. If this upsets the person, offer your best guess.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 17 | P a g e
•
•
•
•
Give directions as close to the time they must be followed as possible (within an
hour, rather than the morning or day before).
Orient the person to upcoming situations. Tell them what is about to happen. “I’m
going to have to end our conversation in 2 minutes.”
Stick to a schedule as much as possible.
With bizarre behaviors and stories, try to determine the feelings behind the stories
(fear, anger) and acknowledge those feelings.
Adapted from Partners Caring Volunteer Manual. Freemont Public Association. (Arinna Moon, 1994)
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 18 | P a g e
ROLE PLAYS
CHALLENGING SITUATIONS
1.
Visitor calls for a usual daily call. The person gives brief, non-descript answers. With further
questioning from the visitor, the person relates that her/his schedule is changing and variable.
Person: “Friends usually stop by on Tuesday and Friday, sometimes my son calls on Wednesday, and the
grandchildren often call on the weekends. How about if you just call me on Mondays and Thursdays,
sometime in the afternoon?”
Caller: “I should be able to accommodate that schedule, it’s a little confusing, but I can adapt to it.”
2.
Volunteer checks in to find that the person is very distressed.
Person: “My daughter didn’t come to take me shopping this week. I’m so hungry. What am I going to
do?”
Caller: “Meals-on-wheels are available.
refused.”
I tried to have you to sign up with them before, but you
Person: “I don’t like frozen meals, and I can’t afford them anyway. What will I do this weekend?”
Caller: “I know of a restaurant in the area you live in that can deliver meals to you. I can call to arrange
for that right now.”
Person: “I only like home cooking.”
Caller: “I will call Coordinator/Bikur Cholim or Rabbi and see what they suggest. They will call or I’ll call
you back.
3.
Person gives subtle hints that there is a problem and a change. Volunteer has to dig a bit to
discover that her memory really is getting worse and she’s not eating regularly (she simply forgets).
Caller: Calls Coordinator to report person’s loss of memory and inability to take care of meal
preparation and eating regularly.
4.
Visitor calls for usual weekly call.
Caller: “It is nice to speak with you again.”
Person: “I’ve been really lonely, and I feel we’ve grown so close over these past six months. You’re
almost like a child to me, even better than a child. I know that you have certain responsibilities that
the agency has placed on you. You can’t do certain things, go certain places, drive me in your car, and so
on. There are so many things we could do together if it weren’t for the agency. How about if we just
visit with each other and you forget about being an official volunteer for the agency? I’m sure they
won’t mind, with all the other volunteers they have working for them.”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 19 | P a g e
Caller: “I must respect my commitment to that program.”
5.
Caller and person called greet one another and briefly engage in chitchat.
Person: “I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and I don’t have a ride. Darling, is there any way that
you could take me?”
Caller: “My wife has been sick and we have been running to every doctor in the city. I’m sorry I don’t
have the time right now.”
Person: “What about all the relatives you and your wife have in Seattle? You would think that
somebody could help you out with all these appointments. After all, you know that I have no one. You
think if a relative could help just this once, then you would be able to help me? Your wife is sick so
often. I’m just asking this one time.”
Caller: “I know how hard it is for you to get to these doctor’s appointments. I can’t help you, however.
I will call Coordinator and let her know what your problem is and see if she can help you figure out your
transportation need. I will definitely ask her to call you.”
Caller: Calls Coordinator
6.
Note: Caller doesn’t cut off the person. The phone call recipient is given an opportunity to vent
and the caller respects the feelings that emerge. Afterwards, the caller tries to change the tone to one
that’s more positive.
Caller: Hi, How are you today Mrs. Bloom?
Recipient: Bad.
Caller: Bad?
Person: I feel old. My knees hurt, I just can’t do for myself like I used to.
Caller: Uh huh…tell me more, I’d like to understand.
Person: This is the way it is when you get old, plenty pf aches and pains.
Caller: Sounds like aging can be a challenge.
Person: You know the golden years aren’t so golden.
Caller: Sounds like things have been rough for you, have there been any bright spots?
Adapted from the JFS Seattle and Seattle Association for the Jewish Disabled “Companion Services”
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 20 | P a g e
EMERGENCY PROCEDURES
Having a plan of action is essential in the event that an emergency arises in the course of your work
visiting by telephone: This is particularly relevant if you are making daily check- in calls.
•
•
•
•
•
If the person does not answer the phone at the regularly scheduled time let the phone ring
20 times.
If they do not answer the phone, wait another 15 minutes and call back.
If they still do not answer the phone, wait another 15 minutes and call back.
If there is still no answer, call an “Emergency Contact” person, whose name(s) you have been
given. Ask the person to check on their well being and call you back.*
If no one on the “Emergency Contact” list can be reached, call 911 and ask for an apartment
check.
Emergency Contact List
PERSON’S NAME:
Physician:
Telephone Number:
Hospital of Choice:
First Emergency Contact:
Name:
Telephone Number:
Relationship:
Second Emergency Contact:
Name:
Telephone Number:
Relationship:
Third Emergency Contact:
Name:
Telephone Number:
Relationship:
*Contacts:
Rabbi or Social Work Consultant to be notified.
Bikur Cholim Coordinator to be notified in case of emergency.
Neighbor, Friend, Building Superintendent, Family Member
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 21 | P a g e
APPENDIX
Structure for your Telephone Visiting Program
Page 23
Shabbat Connections Guidelines
Page 24
Holy Blossom Information Form
Page 25
Dial Up A Smile article
Page 27
Categories of Feelings Charts
Page 29
The Art of Good Listening article
Page 31
Publications List
Page 33
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 22 | P a g e
ADDITIONAL IDEAS FOR STRUCTURING
YOUR TELEPHONE VISITING PROGRAM
Qualifications for being a telephone visitor:
•
•
•
•
Interested in assisting the elderly, homebound individuals, or others who could use the
connection.
Reliable, patient, and able to engage in active listening.
Familiarity or ability to inquire about resources within the community.
Able to set limits (i.e respecting your own and the other person’s boundaries in terms of
time, privacy, etc. .
Responsibilities:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Call your person daily/weekly at the pre-arranged, specified time.
Allow phone to ring ten to fifteen times.
The call should be made at the same time each day/week, as agreed on by both parties.
If the person you call does not answer the phone, follow your Emergency Procedure Format.
(as determined by your program).
Identify and inform the Coordinator of any change in person’s circumstances or
relationships.
Respect confidentiality. Information pertaining to the needs of each person should be
shared with Coordinator but we have legal responsibility not to share any information with
outside parties except as provided by law.
Requirements:
•
•
•
•
•
Minimum six months commitment to telephoning (substitutes are available when volunteers
leave for vacations or are otherwise unavailable for short periods of time.)
One 2-5 minute call daily or a 15 or more minute weekly phone call depending on need and
goal of program.
Submit monthly log
Monthly phone consultation and biannual in-person meeting with Coordinator
Participate in orientation training and volunteer group meetings (approximately 1 ½ hours, to
be held biannually).
Benefits:
•
•
•
Perform a valuable mitzvah
Make a difference in someone’s life
Gain a sense of satisfaction and self-worth
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 23 | P a g e
SHABBAT CONNECTIONS
Guidelines for Forming Intergenerational Relationships
1) During the very first call, makes sure to identify yourself by name and as a member of the
Shabbat Connections Committee. Do Not use the words “Bikur Cholim.”
2) Toward the end of your first or second call, find out from your Shabbat Connections partner
the best time before Shabbat to call. Make sure you call at that time each week.
3) When you reach your Shabbat Connections partner each week, reconfirm that you have
called at a good time.
4) Indicate in advance if and when you will be out of town and unable to call, so not to leave
your Shabbat Connections partner disappointed not to hear from you.
5) Don’t force the connection – let it unfold gradually and consistently through your weekly
calls.
6) Try to be sensitive to your partner and what he or she is willing to share.
7) Be a great listener and show your interest through patience and gentle, open-ended
questions that encourage sharing.
•
•
•
Ask about the person’s week.
Remember things that you’ve been told in previous conversations.
Look for opportunities to learn more about your partner.
8) Share small things about your life that your Shabbat Connections partner show interest in.
But, keep the focus on your Shabbat Connections partner more than on yourself.
9) As your relationship unfolds, and if it seems welcome and appropriate, try to arrange a time
to meet in person. However, if this does not seem appropriate, do not push. Give it time and
find ways to make phone calls meaningful enough to stand alone.
10) The first couple of phone calls may seem a bit awkward since you are just getting acquainted
with one another. If, after 3 or 4 phone calls you feel that you have not connected with your
partner, please call your team leader(s) so we can work things out.
Thank you so much for being a part of this team!
With thanks to Congregation B’nai Jeshurun, New York
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 24 | P a g e
Bikur Cholim Information
To: Rabbis, Executive Director etc.
From:
Date of call:
Today's Date:
Name of Congregant:
Stage of Life:
baby / child / teenager / young adult / middle age / senior / elderly
The person is at:
home / hospital / nursing care facility
If other than home, where?
Phone #
Is there a family member or friend who should be contacted instead of the patient?
Name & Number:
Description of Illness:
Description of Identified Needs:
Description of the member's support system:
What kind of follow-up visiting by phone or in person should our volunteers do & how soon?
CC:
With permission of Holy Blossom Temple, Toronto
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 25 | P a g e
THE CONNECTING TEAM
Information for regular weekly phone calls
Thank you for making these regular phone calls. You help our members feel closer to Holy
Blossom Temple.
There have been a number of new activities developed by the Caring Community over the
past few years. In the course of your regular conversation with your telephone partner ask
him/her if they would like to receive:
a) Temple library books and/or tapes delivered (and picked up) every 3 weeks or so.
There is a growing collection of large print, print books;
b) Large print Bulletin;
c) A home visit from a member of the congregation. (These will not begin for several
months.)
If your telephone partner asks for any of these, please call:
- Anne D at the Temple Library for the books/tapes
- Shelly B Department for Jewish Living
The Bulletin is chock-full of interesting lectures, classes and activities. Do comment on
them, to your partner.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 26 | P a g e
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 27 | P a g e
Nestlebaum, C. (5763, Tisha B’Av). The Two Minute Mitzvah: Dial Up A Smile, CHESED, 32
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 28 | P a g e
CATEGORIES OF FEELINGS
This chart shows a rich variety of feelings and may help the person expand their capacity
to understand how they are feeling and enlarge their perspective of their situation.
LEVELS
OF
INTENSITY
Strong
Mild
Weak
HAPPY
SAD
ANGRY
SCARED
CONFUSED
excited
hopeless
furious
fearful
bewildered
elated
sorrowful
seething
panicky
trapped
overjoyed
depressed
enraged
afraid
troubled
delighted
drained
disgusted
alarmed
torn
great
lonely
bitter
petrified
conflicted
turned on
miserable
mad
terrified
pulled apart
cheerful
upset
annoyed
threatened
disorganized
up
distressed
frustrated
insecure
mixed-up
proud
down
agitated
uneasy
disturbed
amused
discouraged
peeved
worried
blocked
eager
helpless
resentful
apprehensive
frustrated
glad
sorry
uptight
timid
bothered
good
lost
dismayed
unsure
uncomfortable
satisfied
bad
put out
nervous
undecided
calm
hurt
disappointed
tight
uncertain
content
ashamed
bugged
tense
puzzled
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 29 | P a g e
How are you feeling today?
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 30 | P a g e
THE ART OF GOOD LISTENING:
3 STEPS TO DOING IT WELL
By Uzi Weingarten
Good listening is one of the best and most loving gifts that we can offer to another person.
This is especially true when somebody is hurt or upset about something and shares it with
US.
All too often, in spite of our good intentions, we find ourselves reacting to others in ways
that are not effective. Here are three principles that help us to respond with compassion
and effectiveness when people share their feelings with us.
1. Listen with openness, not judgment. The first thing that people need when they share
any kind of distress is a sense that it is safe to talk. This means that when they tell us
what happened or how they are feeling, we will not judge, criticize, shame or blame them.
This allows them to trust us and makes it safe to open up.
That we don't judge does not mean that we have no sense of right and wrong. Rather, it
means that we put that aside and listen with compassionate ears. It is to focus on the
heart that is sharing its hurt with us, rather than on our sense of right/wrong.
2. The key is the feelings and needs. The second thing that people want, after the sense of
safety, is for their experience, and especially the feelings, to be understood. This is
because the key to any situation is how the person feels about it. This attempt to
understand how another is feeling in a given situation, and doing so with no criticism or
judgment, is called "empathy."
One excellent way to express empathy is to reflect back to the person what we imagine
the experience was like. There is an art to doing this that IS hard to convey in a short
article, in my Communicating with Compassion course we spend the first six sessions on
this.
That having been said, here is a simple example. If somebody is sharing with us a story
about how she was ridiculed for asking a certain question, we might ask ourselves how we
feel when we are ridiculed. We would then reflect that feeling back and see if this indeed
is how she felt. We might say, "So you felt embarrassed and humiliated." it is of course
important to say this in a gentle tone and a caring way.
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 31 | P a g e
It is remarkable how often a simple reflection of feelings, when done with no judgment or
criticism, creates an initial sense of relief. It also tends to open the speaker's heart to
share more of the experience. She might add that she was going to be with these people
for the next 10 hours, and was concerned that they might ridicule her again. To which we
might respond, "So you were feeling unsafe."
This might go on for a few rounds. If we stay with reflecting feelings, with no judgment or
criticism, and only a desire to understand the other's experience, the result will often be a
sense of deep relief and the ability to arrive at a sense of resolution.
3. Wait before offering advice. We often have ideas and information that might be helpful
to the other. And yet, it is very important to first understand and reflect the feelings, and
only then to offer advice. When people are upset, what they need first, before anything
else, is empathy. Only after their experience has been heard and acknowledged are people
ready for advice. Offering advice before that point might be well intentioned but is in fact
misguided. It could easily result in people being irritated or hurt.
When people are ready for advice, there are some keys to how to offer it. For the short
article that I wrote on the basics, titled “The Art of Giving Advice: Three Steps to Doing
It Well”, visit my website at www.uziteaches.com.
Putting these three principles to work will make a significant difference in your
relationships. Try it and you'll see!
Bio and Contact Information
Uzi Weingarten has been teaching both “Communicating with Compassion” as well as
“compassionate spirituality” for many years. He holds a Masters degree in the field of
Education, is an ordained rabbi, and is pursuing a graduate degree in Spiritual Psychology.
Uzi offers his 12-session “Communicating with Compassion” course by phone conference. He
is also available for onsite training/conference speaker. Please contact Uzi
(uziteaches@aol.com, 310-836-9278) or Maralene Strom, Marketing Scheduling
Coordinator (mcsbiz@aol.com, 715-834-1426). For more information, see Uzi’s website:
www.uziteaches.com.
© 2003 Uzi Weingarten
11/03
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 32 | P a g e
PUBLICATIONS LIST
The 22nd Annual Bikur Cholim Conference Keynote Presentations: Rabbi Aaron Glatt, MD “Judaism’s Timeless Wisdom
and Contemporary Medicine” and Dr. David Pelcovitz “Bikur Cholim as a Pathway to Resilience.” Hear concepts, tips, and
stories within Judaism, medicine, and trauma, from internationally renowned speakers that will engage and inspire you.
Product details: 2 hour DVD, $10.00
The Act of Visiting.
This training video dramatizes visiting in 3 different settings: a private home, nursing home, and
hospital. With stop-action the video pauses and questions are presented on screen for viewers to consider how they might
respond in the given situation. A 6 page leader’s guide accompanies this video with all the questions and suggested
responses for each question.
Product details: 20 minute film, available on DVD, $10.00
Bikur Cholim Joke Book. A collection of humor that will lighten your hearts and spirits. Laughter is a gift, and humor
can be a tool to use for yourself or to enrich another person.
Product details: 14 pages, download for FREE from www.bikurcholimcc.org or purchase for $3.00.
Directory of Bikur Cholim Resources. This guide includes a listing of Bikur Cholim programs in synagogues across the
country and Canada, plus programs operating in seventeen foreign countries.
Available for free download from www.bikurcholimcc.org
Good Company. A comic book providing a fun easy and way to introduce or deepen appreciation for bikur cholim. A great
gift for yourself, visitors, patients, family members, clergy, health care professionals, and students (everyone).
Product details: 10 pages/full color illustrations, $3.95 each; 10 or more @ $3.25 each, 25 or more @ $2.50 each, 50 or
more @ $2.75 each.
A new, free guide designed in comic format provides suggested instructions when using the comic book for training.
Download this guide at http://www.bikurcholimcc.org/humor.html.
I Am My Brother’s Keeper, by Rabbi Dr. Solomon L. Willinger. This guide, written by the Jewish Chaplain at Brooklyn
Development Center, provides information and explores issues concerning the care of the Jewish developmentally
disabled and their families.
Product details: 15 page booklet, $4.00.
Telephone Visiting Manual. The ubiquitous telephone! How many of us have gotten calls that lift out spirits or warm our
hearts? With forethought and skill the telephone can be used for bikur cholim in a meaningful and efficient way. This
manual offers a sampling of models for telephone visiting programs from around the country and provides helpful skills
and tips for performing bikur cholim by phone. User friendly and informative.
Product details: 25 pages, download for FREE from www.bikurcholimcc.org or purchase for $6.00.
The Shiv’ah Visit, by Rabbi Reuven P. Bulka. Published in response to many national inquiries, this comprehensive
pamphlet discusses such topics as the best time to visit a mourner, listening before talking, what to do and what to avoid
during a Shiv’ah visit.
Product details: 12 page booklet, $3.00.
Turn To Me. A film about the mitzvah of bikur cholim- the act of visiting the sick. This documentary focuses on three
life stories and the commentary of Professor Elie Wiesel and Rabbi Tsvi Blanchard. We come to recognize that small
acts of kindness, commitment, and gestures of caring, benefit those who visit and the person who we visit.
Product details: 27 minutes, available on DVD or VHS, $18 personal copies /$36 groups.
Twice Chai: A Jewish Road to Recovery, by Marcia Glaubman Hain. This illustrated collection of original prayers, poems,
and inspirational thoughts also includes guidelines for facilitators by Sherry Reiter, CSW, RPT.
Product details: 125 pages, $15.00.
Yad L Yad: A Training Manual for Bikur Cholim Volunteers. Synagogues, social work agencies and Volunteer leaders in
twenty-five states and over one hundred cities in the United States and Canada have purchased this manual.
Product details: 112 pages, available in English, Hebrew or Russian, $18.00.
Please make checks payable to:
JBFCS/BCCC
C/O Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services, Inc.
135 West 50th Street, 6th Floor, New York, NY 10020
© JBFCS Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council, www.bikurcholimcc.org 33 | P a g e
Worksheet and Notes For Building Your
Telephone Visiting Program
Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council/JBFCS
135 West 50th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10020
(212) 632-4500
Web: www.bikurcholimcc.org
Email: bikurcholimcc@jbfcs.org