All  quotes  from  the  book  are  highlighted  in  yellow  and  italicized.
Green  highlights  indicate  a  critical  thought.
The  term  character-­‐disordered  will  be  referred  to  as  CD  in  the  report.  When  using  a   pronoun,  I  will  use  he  but  women  have  character  disturbances  also.
*  Refer  to  special  notes  for  counselors  reading  this  report.
This  report  is  not  a  chapter-­‐by-­‐chapter  summary  but  a  condensation  of  the  big  ideas   that  the  author  conveys  in  his  book.
Purple  are  my  (Leslie’s)  thoughts  or  comments  on  Simon’s  work
Simon’s  book  answers  three  main  questions  when  dealing  with  CD  persons.
1

First  let’s  define  some  familiar  terms  because  we  need  to  understand  their  origins
and  how  they  have  come  to  impact  traditional  therapy  with  troubled  individuals.
Neurosis:    This  term  was  coined  by  Sigmund  Freud  to  describe  the  maladaptive     psychological  symptoms  that  result  when  an  individual’s  internal  urges  (primarily   sexual  and  aggressive)  and  their  conscience  (this  is  wrong,  this  is  wrong,  this  is   wrong)  do  battle.    Some  people  experience  excessive  anxiety,  guilt  and  shame  (from   their  conscience)  when  they  see  their  strong  sexual  or  aggressive  tendencies   expressed,  or  even  felt.      For  example,  a  person  feels  excessive  anxiety  because  she   hates  her  mother  but  she  knows  she  shouldn’t  hate  her  mother  (guilt  and  shame)   and  therefore,  she  stuffs  down  the  anger  (repression  or  denial  –  which  are  defense
mechanisms)  so  she  won’t  feel  bad  about  herself.
Defense  Mechanisms:    These  also  were  fleshed  out  originally  by  Freud  and   subsequently  expanded  by  other  psychodynamic  theorists  who  try  to  explain  why   people  do  what  they  do.    Defense  mechanisms  are  believed  to  help  a  person  cope   with  the  battle  between  urges  (what  they  want)  and  their  internalized  conscience   that  tells  them  (what  I  want  is  bad,  or  selfish,  or  inappropriate  right  now).
Common  defense  mechanisms  are  denial,  projection,  reaction  formation,   intellectualization,  disassociation,  etc.    Some  defenses  are  more  healthy  than  others.
For  a  short  article  on  defense  mechanisms  read   http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-­‐
common-­‐defense-­‐mechanisms/
Personality:    Traditionally  personality  was  defined  as  a  mask  or  persona,  a  false-­‐ face  or  a  pretense  -­‐   but  today  personality  refers  to  a  stable  set  of  traits,  preferred   thinking  and  behavior  patterns  that  define  our  unique  style  of  interactions  over  a  wide
variety  of  situations,  and  for  most  of  our  lifetime.
Character:     Character  and  personality  tend  to  be  used  interchangeably  but   Simon   defines  character  as  socially  desirable  qualities  and  virtues  such  as  self-­‐control,  ethics,   loyalty,  and  fortitude.       This  distinction  is  crucial  so  that  we  don’t  equate  the  terms   personality  disorders  and  character  disorders  as  one  in  the  same  thing.    Simon  says   in  his  book   “character”  refers  to  those  distinct  aspects  of  personality  that  reflect  the   presence  and  strength  of  a  person’s  virtues,  personal  ethics,  social  conscientiousness
and  depth  of  commitment  to  respect-­‐worthy  and  meritorious  social  conduct.
There  is  a  common  notion  in  psychology  that  when  we  behave  poorly,  everyone   feels  some  degree  of  shame  and  guilt.    As  a  defense  against  those  feelings,  we
develop  and  use  certain  unconscious  defense  mechanisms.
2

Dependent
Simon  disputes  this  traditional  and  strongly  held  theory  with  persons  with   disordered  character.    He  writes,   “The  concept  of  defense  mechanisms,  in  particular,   becomes  highly  inaccurate  when  we’re  trying  to  truly  understand  the  behavior  habits   and  tactics  of  the  disturbed  character.    Many  behaviors  traditionally  thought  of  as   unconscious  mental  processes  designed  to  prevent  pangs  of  conscience  are  better
viewed  as  conscious  and  deliberate  acts.    They’re  done  so  frequently  and  without   compunction  that  they  become  routine  or  “automatic.”    They  obstruct  the   internalization  of  pro-­‐social  values  (i.e.  enable  the  person  to  avoid  responsibility,)  as   well  as  provide  a  means  to  effectively  manipulate  and  control  others .
Simon  goes  into  a  lot  of  detail  to  describe  basic  personality  styles.    He  puts  various   traits  on  a  continuum  from  active  to  passive  and  dependent  to  independent  and   ambivalent  to  detached.    (His   charts  are  below)
Active
.
Depends  on  external  sources  of       Source  of  emotional  gratification  and
Emotional  gratification  and  stimulation
Active  pursuit  of  involvements  through
Seductive,  dramatic,  attention-­‐seeking
Maneuvers.
Begets   histrionic   “style”
stimulation  is  internal
Active  pursuit  of  self-­‐reliance  and  control   through  power  tactics
Begets  both   assertive  and  aggressive     styles
Independent
Dependent  on  eternal  sources  for
Satisfaction  of  emotional  needs
Passive  avoidance  of  assertion
And  emotional  self-­‐care.  Begets
Submissive   style
Passive
Source  of  emotional  gratification  and   stimulation  is  internal
Avoids  genuine  emotional  attachment.
Too  satisfied  with  self  as  source  to  really  need   others.  Begets   egotistic   style
Desires  support  but  resents  feeling
Controlled.    Actively  vacillates
Between  submissive  dependence
And  oppositional  defiance.
Active
Begets   passive-­‐aggressive  style
Desires  intimacy  but  is  overly  fearful   of  rejection,  disappointment  or   abandonment,  so  actively  avoids
Involvement.
Begets   avoidant  style.
Ambivalent
Detached
3

Desires  autonomy  but  fears
Defaulting  on  social  expectations
Impoverished  desire  to  connect   in  meaningful  emotional  ways  with
Perpetuates
Style     obsessive-­‐compulsive
Failure  to  engage  in  any  approach     behaviors  begets   schizoid   style
Simon’s  main  emphasis  in  these   between  the  personality  styles  as
Passive   various  styles  is  to  differentiate   well  treatment  implications.
He  differentiates  them  into  more  neurotic  type  or  more  character  disorder  type  and
then  lists  possible  factors  of  why  this  person  developed  in  this  particular  way.
Predominately  neurotic  personality  patterns  are  more  dependent,  such  as  the   submissive  style,  the  obsessive  compulsive  style  and  the  histrionic  style.
The  asocial  patterns  such  as  the  schizoid  and  detached,  which  are  more  independent   but  detached,  seem  to  have  some  biological  based  characteristics  (such  as  Autistic   and  other  disorders  on  the  autism  spectrum  as  well  as  the  schizoid  personality).
Simon  writes,  “Most  of  the  difficulties  these  individuals  experience  for  functioning   adaptively  do  not  appear  to  arise  out  of  neurotic  conflicts  or  deficiencies  of  integrity   and  morality.  So  it’s  not  really  useful  to  assign  them  a  place  on  the  continuum  of   neurosis  vs  character  disturbance.    Naturally,  however,  if  other  traits  associated   with  either  neurosis  or  character  disturbance  are  also  present,  it  can  further   complicate  the  problems  such  as  personalities  experience  in  relating  to  others.
The  avoidant  personality  desires  connection,  but  is  so  fearful  of  rejection,   mistreatment,  or  abandonment,  that  they  find  close  attachments  difficult  and   experience  high  levels  of  chronic  anxiety.    They  are  a  difficult  person  to  have  a  close   relationship  with  but  because  of  their  high  anxiety  levels  and  fears,  but  they  are   more  neurotic  than  character-­‐disturbed.
The  obsessive  personality  tends  to  be  wound  tight  and  deals  with  their  high  levels  of   anxiety  by  trying  to  “control”  aspects  of  their  world.    They  are  among  the  most   neurotic  of  all  personality  types.     Simon  says,  “Their  tendency  to  be  so  preoccupied   with  their  obsessions  and  compulsions  that  they  don’t  fully  appreciate  the  negative
impact  on  others  of  their  apparent  cold  and  controlling  ways.
4

Obsessive  personalities  are  high  on  the  anxiety  and  guilt  spectrum.    The  try  to  avoid   feeling  guilty  or  wrong  at  all  costs,  including  driving  the  people  around  them  a  little   nutty  with  their  obsessive  rules  and  regulations  about  how  things  need  to  be.    They   feel  high  degrees  of  fear  and  anger  and  reduce  their  fear  and  channel  anger  by   maintaining  a  rigid  control.    Simon  says,  “Even  though  they  are  among  the  most   neurotic  personality  types,  some  O-­‐C’s  evidence  a  degree  of  character  disturbance.
The  thing  that  makes  a  big  difference  revolves  around  how  their  penchant  for   control  is  expressed.    When  their  control  is  more  geared  towards  the  demands  they   place  on  themselves  it’s  to  avoid  feeling  guilty.    When  their  control  is  demanding   other  people  do  things  their  way,  disregarding  the  emotional  toll  it  takes  on  others,   that  evidences  some  degree  of  character  disturbance.
The  passive-­‐aggressive  personality  pattern  is  perhaps  one  of  the  most   misunderstood  types      They  are  very  difficult  to  live  with  and  engender  considerable   frustration  in  those  around  them.    They  tend  to  have  the  following  characteristics   but  certain  traits  usually  are  more  dominant.  1.    Those  who  are  unable  to  make  a   decision,  are  indecisive,  afraid  of  making  a  mistake  or  2,  those  who  chronically   complain  about  everything  and  are  in  a  bad  mood  a  lot  3,  those  who  take  on  a  harsh,     biting,  critical  tone  to  their  personality,  4  a  pattern  of  forgetfulness,   uncooperativeness  and  dragging  their  feet  doing  things  they  agreed  to  do.
*Here  is  Simon’s  critical  distinction.    “Unfortunately,  clinicians  and  lay  persons  alike   erroneously  use  the  term  passive-­‐aggressive  when  they’re  trying  to  describe  deliberate
(active)  but  subtle,  underhanded,  and  otherwise  covert  attempts  to  dominate,  exploit,   manipulate  and  control”       Simon  says  these  traits  are  better  explained  by  a  different   personality  type.        Passive  aggressive  individuals  are  passive.  It’s  more  what  they
“don't’  do”  rather  than  what  they  do.    The  covert  aggressive  is  the  personality  type   that  is  more  aggressive  but  doing  it  under  the  radar.
Along  with  the  obsessive  personality  type,  Simon  rates  the  passive-­‐aggressive   personality  type  among  the  most  highly  neurotic.    He  says  they  are   “deeply   ambivalent  about  taking  charge  of  their  own  lives,  as  opposed  to  relying  on  the   approval  of  others.    They  want  to  act  in  an  autonomous  fashion,  but  they  also  don’t   want  to  risk  the  potential  for  self-­‐blame  should  they  fail.    Similarly,  putting  them  in  a   position  to  follow  the  lead  of  others  only  invites  them  to  feel  weak  and  ineffectual.
They  are  constantly  in  a  real  bind.  They  want  others  to  take  charge,  but  resent
acceding  to  demands  placed  on  them.”
Simon  also  notes  that  in  order  for  society  to  function  in  a  civilized  way,  it’s  crucial   that  people  do  become  a  little  anxious  when  their  urges  to  steal  from  someone,  or   hurt  them  in  anger,  or  act  out  in  some  animal-­‐like  way  come  upon  them.      Otherwise   our  society  would  experience  total  mayhem.
The  fact  that  most  people  DO  submit  themselves  to  a  collective  conscience  (the  rules   of  society)  is  a  crucial  distinction  between  the  ordinary  sinner  and  the  disordered   character.    This  is  a  key  point  Simon  emphasizes  again  and  again.
5

Predominately  Character-­‐Disordered  Personalities:     Although  sometimes  these   individuals  do  display  some  neurotic  tendencies,  the  greater  problem  they   experience  in  life  is  not  because  of  their  fears,  insecurities  or  defenses.  Rather  it’s   due  to  their  irresponsible  choices,  problematic  thinking  patterns,  disregard  for  the   truth,  and  their  ego-­‐centric  view  of  themselves  that  lead  to  attitudes  of  entitlement   as  well  as  their  low  view  of  others.    They  have  low  empathy,  an  impaired  conscience,   an  inability  to  harness  their  impulses,  volatile  moods,  and  don't’  learn  from  their   mistakes.
* Simon  writes:    “Therapists  rarely  deal  with  problems  that  stem  from  a  conscience  so   overactive  or  oppressive  that  it  causes  a  person  to  develop  bizarre  or  severely   debilitating  psychosomatic  or  other  pathological  symptoms.    Instead,  mental  health   clinicians  in  all  disciplines  increasingly  find  themselves  intervening  with  individuals   whose  problems  are  related  to  their  dysfunctional   attitudes   and   thinking   patterns,   their  shallow,  self-­‐centered  relationships,  their  moral  immaturity  and  social   irresponsibility,  and  their  habitual,  dysfunctional  behavior  patterns.    All  of  these  stem   from  an   underdeveloped  conscience  and  reflect  significant   deficiencies  or
disturbances  of  character.
*Simon  cautions  that  people  (professionals  especially)  are  very  reluctant  and   resistant  to  seeing  people  as  character  deficient.    Therefore  we  instead  label  them   with  more  “acceptable”  mental  health  diagnoses  such  as  ADHD,  Bi-­‐Polar  Disorder,   etc  and  if  their  symptoms  can  be  somewhat  managed  with  medication,  it  validates   that  the  problem  is  a  disease  rather  than  a  character  problem.
*Simon  writes,  “Character  disturbance  is  one  of  the  most  pressing  psychological   realities  of  our  age;  it’s  becoming  increasingly  prevalent;  and  it’s  an  entirely  different   phenomenon  from  neurosis,  requiring  a  different  perspective  to  adequately   understand  and  treat.”
People’s  unhealthy  ways  of  being  are  on  a  continuum.    Not  all  problematic  behaviors   rise  to  the  level  of  a  “disorder.”      Simon  says,  “For  a  disturbance  of  personality   and/or  character  to  be  considered  a  disorder,  it  must  be  of  such  intensity,   inflexibility,  and  intractability,  that  it  impairs  adaptive  functioning  in  a  wide  variety   of  situations.  “
*Main  differences  between  a  neurotic  and  a  character  disordered  person
Type  of  symptom     Neurotic       Character  Disorder
Anxiety
Conscience
Shame  and  Guilt   high
Highly  developed
High  levels   low
Under-­‐developed,   impaired  or  none
Low  levels  (embarrassed
6

Level  of  awareness
Role  of  feelings
Role  of  Defense
Mechanisms
Genuineness  of  style
Usually  unaware  of  the   deeper  roots  of  distress
Therapy  focuses  on   troubled  feelings
Operate  unconsciously
Their  front  self  masks  a   more  insecure  person   underneath   is  not  the  same)
Fully  conscious  of  his   problem  behavior  and  his   motivations  for  why
His  problem  stems  from   the  way  he  thinks  and   wrong  core  beliefs
Responsibility  avoidant   tactics  that  resemble   defense  mechanisms
What  you  see  is  what  you   get.    (i.e.  arrogance  is  not   mask  for  insecurity,  he   truly  feels  superior)
High/  entitled   Self  esteem
Response  to  adverse   consequences
Level  of  internal   discomfort
Needs  in  treatment
Low/  feels  unworthy  or   inadequate
Hypersensitive  to  adverse   consequences.  Also  tend   to  feel  very  responsible
Symptoms  experienced  as   unpleasant  and  unwanted
(this  isn’t  who  I  want  to  be   or  how  I  want  to  feel  or   act)
Positive  regard,  support,   and  insight  into  what’s   going  on  inside.
Unaffected  by  adverse   circumstances  and  tend  to   blame  things  “out  there”   for  causing  them  instead   of  looking  within
Although  other  people   may  be  upset  by  their     attitudes  and  behavior,   they  are  comfortable  with   who  they  are.
CD  person  knows  others   have  problems  with  their   behaviors,  but  don't’  care.
What  they  need  is  firm   confrontation,  limit-­‐ setting  and  correction
(without  hostility  or  other   negative  emotions)  in  the   hopes  that  they  will  try   out  more  pro-­‐social  ways   of  engagement.
*Simon  also  says  there  is  hope  for  a  CD’d  person  to  change  if  the  therapist  knows  the   right  approach  that  is  necessary  to  deal  with  their  true  problem.    It’s  important  to   address  the  core  character  issues  rather  than  dysfunctional  coping  style.     Simon   writes,  “A  therapist  would  need  to  confront,  for  example,  how  a  person’s  inflated  self-­‐ image,  fueled  by  the  egocentric  thinking  and  attitudes  of  entitlement,  leads  them  to   chronically  exploit  and  demean  people  in  relationships,  and  how  it  causes  other
7

problems.    It’s  impossible  to  ameliorate  a  condition  you  ignore.  Giving  a  person’s   dysfunctional  personality  style  center  stage  in  therapy  is  essential  to  helping  change   it.”
Ten  commandments  of  Character  Development      (FOR  PARENTS  TO  TEACH)
1.
You  are  not  the  center  of  the  universe
2.
Remember,  you  are  not  ENTITLED  to  anything
3.
You  are  neither  an  insignificant  speck  nor  are  you  so  precious  or   essential  to  the  universe  that  it  simply  cannot  do  without  you.
4.
To  know,  pursue,  speak,  and  display  the  truth  to  the  best  of  your  ability,   have  the  utmost  reverence  for  the  truth.
5.
Be  the  master  of  your  appetites  and  dislikes
6.
Be  the  master  of  your  impulses
7.
Perseverance,  patience,  and  endurance  are  not  really  virtues  in   themselves.
8.
Neither  your  tendency  to  anger  nor  your  instinct  to  aggress  is   inherently  evil,  although  wrath  is  a  “deadly”  sin.
9.
Treat  others  with  civility  and  generosity
10.
To  the  best  of  your  ability,  have  sincerity  of  heart  and  purpose.
The  chart  on  page  3  (of  notes)  describes  the  different  personality  patterns.
Character  disordered  individuals  tend  to  cluster  in  the  upper  right  quadrant,  the   independent,  active/passive  quadrant.    Within  this  quadrant  there  are  two  main
types  of  character  disorders:
The  Egotistical  Pattern :    This  type  of  person  sees  himself  as  the  center  of  the   universe.    He  is  preoccupied  with  his  own  needs,  desires,  feelings,  and  image.
Because  of  his  self-­‐centered  focus  it  makes  it  very  difficult  for  him  to  recognize  or   validate  other  people’s  needs,  rights,  or  concerns.    He  sees  himself  as  superior  and   should  have  a  “special”  status  sticker  on  his  forehead  so  that  others  acquiesce  to  his   superiority.    He  feels  entitled,  and  others  are  used  to  feed  his  needs  and  satisfy  his
desires.  They  have  no  independent  value  of  their  own.
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*People  who  display  this  pattern  are  narcissistic  but  Simon  warns  that  traditional   understanding  of  a  narcissist  sees  their  ego  inflation  as  a  ruse  –  a  compensation  for   a  deeply  insecure  sense  of  self.    Simon  questions  and  challenges  that  viewpoint.
Although  he  agrees  he’s  seen  a  few  narcissistic  individuals  who  display  that  pattern,
“The  vast  majority  of  egotistic  individuals  I’ve  counseled  over  the  years  have  been  far   more  character  disturbed  than  neurotic.  As  such  these  individuals  have  displayed  a   sincere  and  deep  conviction  about  their  superiority  to  others,  whether  or  not  such  a   belief  is  based  on  any  kind  of  rational  or  solid  foundation.  They’re  not  compensating   for  anything.  They  really  do  think  “ they’re  all  that!”.
The  egotistical  pattern  has  the  following  traits:    Inflated  self-­‐image  and  self  worth;   entitlement;  no  concept  of  a  higher  power,  there  is  nothing,  no  one  more  important   than  they  are.  They  are  entirely  self-­‐referenced.    He  may  pretend  to  respect  a  boss   or  God,  but  in  actuality,  he  is  god.    He  has  a  huge  fantasy  life,  he  lives  in  his  own   reality,  made  up  by  him.    He  has  an  insatiable  desire  for  admiration  and  affirmation   and  uses  others  to  feed  that  need.    He  also  has  a  passive  disregard  for  the  rights,   needs  or  concerns  of  others.    He  is  oblivious  to  the  hurts  he  causes.  He  does  not   intentionally  set  out  to  harm  but  never  considers  other  people’s  feelings  or  needs.
He  views  people  as  objects  to  use,  not  as  people  to  love  and  value.
The  Assertive  Pattern :    There  was  one  other  pattern  in  the  upper  right  hand   quadrant  of  the  chart  on  page  3  which  was  the  assertive  pattern.  This  is  a  normal   person.    It’s  someone  who  can  speak  up  for  herself  without  needing  to  always  win  or   get  her  way.    It’s  someone  who  fights  to  improve  a  situation  for  all  involved,  not  just   to  prove  her  point.    It’s  someone  who  is  disciplined  so  that  she  does  not  cause   other’s  harm  by  her  tongue  or  her  fists.
The  Aggressive  Pattern:     The  aggressive  pattern  is  a  person  who  is  a  fighter  and  he
fights  to  win  over  someone  else.
*Simon  differentiates  the  aggressive  pattern  into  two  types:    Reactive  and   predatory.
REACTIVE
Spontaneous
Prompted  by  fear
Mostly  defensive  character
Goal  is  self-­‐preservation
PREDATORY
Premeditated,  calculated
Prompted  by  desire
Strictly  offensive  character
Goal  is  victimization
Simon  writes:    “It’s  fairly  common  for  mental  health  professionals  and  lay  persons   alike  to  lack  awareness  about  predatory  aggression  and  the  many  ways  people  can   display  it.    Unfortunately,  it’s  a  common  but  erroneous  belief  that  all  aggression  is
always  a  defensive  response  to  a  perceived  threat.”
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*This  mistake  is  especially  true  in  marital  counseling  where  counselors  mistake   predatory  abuse  for  reactive  abuse  and  treat  reactive  abuse  in  the  same  way  as   predatory  abuse.    A  wife  who  is  being  abused  may  engage  in  reactive  abuse  to  the
predatory  abuse  her  husband  displays  but  the  counselor  sees  them  exactly  the  same.
OTHER  TYPES  OF  AGGRESSION
Overt  Aggression  –  Open  attempts  to  win,  dominate  or  control.
Covert  Aggression  –  Subtle  or  concealed  attempts  to  win,  dominate  or  control.
Active  Aggression  –  Trying  to  get  something  you  want  by  actively  doing  things  and
employing  tactics  to  victimize  others.
Passive  aggression  –  trying  to  avoid  things  you  don’t  want  by  resisting  cooperation
with  others
Simon  warns  that  all  of  the  aggressive  personalities  seek  the  dominant  position  in  any   relationship  or  interpersonal  encounter .    He  summarizes  the  key  components  of  the
aggressive  personality  as  follows:
1.
Problems  with  authority  and  societal  expectations
2.
Reckless  trampling  on  the  rights/needs  of  others
3.
High-­‐risk  behaviors  and  sensation-­‐seeking
4.
Problems  with  self-­‐control  and  delay  of  gratification.
5.
Frequent,  sometimes  flagrant  lying.
Why  do  some  people  become  character-­‐disordered?
The  age-­‐old  debate  between  nurture  and  nature  is  nowhere  more  prominent  than  in   understanding  why  certain  people  develop  this  way.      Were  they  abused  as  children?
Sometimes,  but  other  times  they  were  overindulged  and  coddled.    Are  there  inborn   biological  factors?    There  does  seem  to  be  some  evidence  that  they  have  different   wiring  than  “other  people”.
For  example,  they  don't’  seem  to  experience  ordinary  fearfulness,  even  as  a  young   child.    They  don’t  like  submitting  their  will,  even  as  a  youngster  to  their  parents  or   other  authorities.    They  seem  to  have  a  low  anger  threshold  and  don’t  handle   frustration  well.    They  also  are  highly  reactive  and  naturally  aggressive,  even  as   young  children.    They  also  have  had  some  learning  challenges  growing  up  and  have
failed  to  internalize  their  family  or  societies  norms  for  leading  a  healthy  life.    They   have  also  learned  that  aggression  works  to  get  what  you  want  and  that  punishment   has  not  been  effective  in  deterring  their  aggression  or  has  not  succeed  in  connecting   the  dots  from  their  behaviors  to  consequences.
Traditionally  we  have  seen  these  people  as  having  a  severely  impoverished   childhood,  either  with  abuse  or  neglect  or  some  other  horrific  upbringing.  Yet  many
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children  who  have  these  experiences  have  some  later  problems,  but  don’t  become   character  disturbed  individuals.
*Therapists  have  seen  their  aggressive  behavior  as  an   underlying  and  rational   defense  against  anticipated  injury.    They  are  seen  as  having  adopted  an  “I’ll  get  you   before  you  get  me  style  of  coping  with  life’s  challenges.    So,  Simon  says,  traditional   theories  propose  that,  when  they  engage  in  their  hostile  acts,  antisocial  personalities
are  “acting  out”  deeply  unconscious  conflicts  about  their  safety.”
Simon  disagrees.    He  writes,  “In  my  work  over  the  years  with  disturbed  characters,  I   have  found  that  most  of  the  time,  when  aggressive  personalities  cast  themselves  as   victims,  they  don't’  really  believe  they  are  the  injured  party.  Rather,  they  want  you  to   believe  that  they  think  that  way.  They  know  full  well  that  they  are  the  victimizers  who   injured  others  for  no  other  reason  than  wanting  to  take  something,  regardless  of  the   damage  they  inflicted  on  others.    But  if  they  can  convince  you  that  their  actions   weren’t  purely  maliciously  motivated,  they  can  possibly  evoke  some  sympathy  from   you,  keeping  you  in  the  dark  about  their  true  character.    Knowing  what  they’re  really   all  about,  would  put  them  in  a  position  of  disadvantage  with  those  they  seek  to
manipulate.  “
Subtypes  of  Aggressive  Styles
Unbridled  Aggressive  (Antisocial  Pattern )          Defiant  of  societies  rules  and  laws.
Frequently  engages  in  behaviors  that  are  unlawful,  history  of  aggressive  and  violent   behavior  towards  others,  loves  to  beat  the  system,  lives  off  the  good  will  of  others.
The  Channeled  -­‐Aggressive  Pattern         Doesn’t  tend  to  break  the  law  or  get   arrested.  They  channel  their  aggression  to  more  social  and  career  pursuits.    They   are  driven  to  win,  are  very  competitive,  ignore  boundaries,  intolerant  of  other’s   weaknesses  and  want  to  win  at  all  costs.  They  don’t  care  how  their  aggressive   actions  impact  others.    If  they  are  sure  they  won’t  get  caught,  will  do  whatever  it
takes.
Covert-­‐Aggressive  Pattern         This  type  is  much  harder  to  detect.  He  is  still  actively   aggressive  but  in  a  much  more  veiled  format.  He  engages  in  tactics  intended  to   conceal  his  aggressive  actions.  He  still  wants  control,  he  still  wants  to  win,  but  he   also  wants  to  look  good  to  others.    He  is  an  expert  at  impression  management.    Thus   others  in  his  wake  are  often  left  questioning  their  own  selves.    The  covert  aggresser   conceals  his  aggression  intent  under  a  cloak  of  cooperation  and  niceness  which   makes  others  easier  to  manipulate  and  be  his  prey.    Sometimes  a  covert  aggressor   displays  some  passive  aggressive  tendencies  such  as  withdrawal,  not  speaking  when   he’s  angry  at  you  or  forgetting  to  do  something  he  said  he  would  do.    The  covert
aggressor  is  more  subtle,  but  very  deliberate  and  offensive  (not  passive)  and  uses   covert  means  to  intimidate,  control  and  deceive.
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The  Sadistic  Pattern      Most  aggressive  personalities  do  not  inflicting  injury  because   it  brings  them  pleasure,  but  because  it  is  necessary  to  get  what  they  want.    The   sadistic  person  relishes  hurting  others  and  gains  pleasure  (sometimes  sexual)  from   other  people’s  pain,  suffering  and  humiliation.    They  get  a  charge  leaving  their   victims  cowering  in  fear,  begging  for  their  life,  feeling  utterly  helpless  and  degraded.
The  Predatory  Aggressive  Pattern        Most  pathological.    Capable  of  the  most   heinous  acts.      Psychopathic  is  a  label  given  to  this  type.    Robert  Hare,  a  Canadian   psychologist  who  specializes  in  psychopathy  says  there  are  two  principle  traits  that   are  indicative  of  this  pattern.    The  first  one  is  absolutely  a  necessary  condition,  the   second  one  is  often  an  accompanying  trait.      1.    A  callous,  senseless,  and  remorseless   use  and  abuse  of  others  –  accompanied  with  a  total  lack  of  empathy  or  remorse  -­‐   often  labeled  as  malignant  narcissism.      2.    Social  parasitic  lifestyle  –  checkered  work   history,  exploitive  relationships,  and  criminal  history  common  to  antisocial
personalities.
Below  is  a  warning  for  all  people  helpers  as  well  as  potential  victims.
*Simon  warns,  “I  have  concluded  the  main  reason  these  predators  are  so  successful  in   manipulating  others:  it  lies  not  so  much  in  their  highly  effective  knowledge  and  use  of   manipulation  tactics  but  rather  in  the  reluctance  of  normal  “neurotic”  individuals  to   make  harsh  judgments  about  others,  or  to  trust  their  gut  instincts  about  he  kind  of
person  they’re  probably  doing  with.”
Simon  says,  “How  we  think  greatly  influences  how  we  act.    Disturbed  characters  don’t   act  the  way  most  people  do  largely  because  they  generally  don’t  think  the  way  others   do.    They  often  don’t  hold  the  same  values,  harbor  the  same  attitudes,  share  the  same   core  beliefs,  as  most  folks.    Their  way  of  thinking  is  marked  by  a  “distorted”  view  of
reality  and  an  impoverished  sense  of  accountability”
How  disturbed  characters  think  is  always  reflected  in  the  ways  they  act.  Their  ways  of   thinking  can  also  be  discerned  from  the  things  they  say,  but  to  a  much  lesser  extent.
That’s  because  the  things  they  say  don’t  necessarily  reflect  beliefs  they  hold  with   genuine  conviction.    This  is  a  very  important  fact  to  remember.
In  reality,  their  behavior  is  a  much  more  reliable  indicator  of  their  thoughts  and
attitudes.”
I  can’t  overstate  the  importance  of  being  skeptical  about  what  disordered  characters   say.  Remember,  a  great  deal  of  the  time  they’re  engaged  in  a  game  of  manipulation
and  impression  management.”
For  example,  a  husband  who  abuses  his  wife  may  say  to  his  counselor  or  pastor  or   policeman,  she  egged  him  on  or  she  was  disrespecting  him  and  if  he  can  convince  his   listener  of  how  “awful”  he  has  it  at  home,  then  his  listener  has  empathy  for  him  and
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sees  him  more  as  the  victim  than  the  victimizer,  when  the  CD’d  person  knows  full   well  he  was  the  abuser.
If  he  can  get  you  to  buy  into  his  excuses  or  his  viewpoint,  it  casts  him  in  a  better   light.    Then  we  might  see  him  as  a  man  who  just  doesn’t  “get  it”  or  who  is  ignorant  or   misguided  and  needs  to  learn  how  to  manage  conflict  or  understand  women  better.
Simon  says  this  kind  of  person  gets  it  just  fine,  he  knows  how  he  should  behave   towards  others  but   refuses  to  conform  himself  to  the  standards  of  human  decency
(he  has  not  internalized  a  collective  conscience  of  what’s  appropriate  behavior).
Remember  these  important  differences:
*For  a  neurotic  person,  defense  mechanisms  are  unconsciously  used  as  a  “defense”   against  feeling  one’s  own  guilt  and  shame.    I  am  defending  because  I  am  primarily   trying  to  prevent  something  I  fear  might  happen  from  happening.  (I  fear  it’s  my   fault,  I  fear  I  am  guilty,  I  fear  I  am  wrong,  I  fear  I  am  bad).
*When  a  CD’d  person  uses  these  same  tactics  that  we  call  defenses,  they  are  used  to   ensure  his  resistance  against  submitting  to  the  values  of  society.    He  wants  to   continue  to  do  it  his  way  (he  wants  to  indulge  his  aggressive  or  sexual  or  other   urges)  but  he  doesn’t  want  to  suffer  the  inevitable  consequences.  Therefore,  he  will   rationalize,  blame,  or  deny  to  throw  someone  off  track,  to  win  them  over  to  his  side,   to  confuse  them,  or  make  himself  appear  like  the  wronged  one.    In  other  words   instead  of  using  defense  mechanisms  to  prevent  something  he  fears  might  happen,
he  uses  them  to  ensure  something  he  wants  will  happen.
Common  Thinking  Error’s  of  the  person  with  character  disturbances
Egocentric  Thinking  –  it’s  about  me.    His  constant  concern  for  himself  and  the   things  he  desires  promotes  an  attitude  of  indifference  to  the  rights,  needs,  wants  or
expectations  of  others.
Possessive  Thinking  –  I  own  you.    People  are  objects  or  pawns  to  use  and   manipulate  rather  than  people  to  love  and  serve.
Extreme  –  All  or  none  thinking          Black  and  white,  right  or  wrong.    Win  or  lose.    If  I   cant’  have  it  all,  I  don’t  want  anything.    If  you  don’t  agree  with  everything  I  say,   you’ve  totally  let  me  down  and  disrespected  me.
Inattentive  Thinking      “They  selectively  filter  what  goes  on  around  them,  they  hear   only  what  they  want  to  hear  and  disregard  the  rest.    They  tune  out  people  who  are   trying  to  get  through  to  them
Deceptive  (Wishful)  Thinking      People  with  CD’s  see  things  how  they  want  them  to   be  rather  than  how  they  really  are.       Simon  says,  “Two  of  their  core  characteristics  –   the  ease  with  which  they  lie,  and  their  resistance  to  demands  placed  on  them  by  their
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environments  –  prompt  them  to  distort  the  reality  of  most  situations.    It’s  not  that  they   don’t  know  the  truth,  but  they  simply  don’t  want  reality  to  get  in  the  way  of  what  they   want.    They  lie  to  themselves  with  the  same  ease  that  they  lie  to  others.”
Simon  cautions  us  not  to  confuse  deceptive  individuals  with  those  who  are  in  denial.
Denial  is  a  defense  mechanism  to  avoid  unbearable  emotional  pain.    But  deliberate   twisting  of  facts,  misrepresenting  the  truth  are  bad  habits  and  ways  to  avoid   responsibility.    They  are  not  a  result  of  an  altered  psychological  state,  but  rather  the   result  of  poor  character  development.  And  there  are  times  a  person  has  lied  to  often
to  himself,  he  can’t  tell  reality  from  his  own  fantasy  life  anymore.
There  is  a  different  kind  of  denial  –  the  kind  that  is  manipulative  and  avoids   responsibility  for  the  intention  of  “impression  management”.    (See  Behavior   patterns)
Impulsive  Thinking       There  is  no  thinking  about  long-­‐term  goals  or  of  what  the   consequences  of  his  actions  or  attitudes  might  be.  Disturbed  characters  think  about   what  they  want  NOW.    Their  motto  is  act  first,  think  later.    Even  if  later  they   experience  some  regret,  it  isn’t  enough  to  stop  them  the  next  time  they  WANT   something  NOW.    Many  disturbed  characters  never  experience  regret.
Egomaniacal  Thinking        The  Bible  tells  us  not  to  think  more  highly  of  ourselves   than  we  ought.  (Romans  12:3).    Disturbed  characters  think  way  too  highly  of   themselves.    They  believe  they  are  smart,  special,  and  superior.  The  rules  of  normal   human  beings  don’t  apply  to  them.    They  deserve  more  than  others.    They  take   delight  in  outwitting  others  or  being  able  to  manipulate  their  way  into  something
rather  than  actually  earning  or  working  hard  for  it.
Prideful  Thinking       Image  is  everything.     Simon  writes,  “There  is  nothing  worse  than   admitting  a  mistake,  backing  down,  or  giving-­‐in  because  it  makes  them  look   inadequate  or  “weak”.    He  resists  constructive  feedback  and  goes  to  great  lengths  to   manage  people’s  “image”  of  him.    He  doesn’t    want  anyone  to  have  his  number
because  then  he  wouldn’t  be  able  to  manipulate  or  take  advantage  of  them  as  easily.
Hedonistic  Thinking       Pleasure  is  king.
“What’s  in  it  for  me”  and  it  needs  to  feel   good  or  make  me  happy  in  some  way.    He  craves  excitement,  and  is  repelled  by   anything  boring  or  tedious.    His  personal  comfort  is  a  high  value  and  he  hates  being   inconvenienced.
Unreasonable  Thinking         He  has  unrealistic  and  unreasonable  expectations  of   others  while  at  the  same  time  not  feeing  any  reciprocal  responsibility  to  give  back.
For  example  he  expects  you  to  trust  him  after  he  has  lied  and  been  untrustworthy.
Another  example,  he  expects  everything  to  go  his  way.
•
Note  to  counselors    -­‐   Simon  says,  “In  my  work  over  the  years,  one  thing  I   know  is  important  to  establish  from  the  earliest  moments  of  the  therapeutic
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encounter:  Make  it  absolutely  clear  that  the  burden  for  change  rests  squarely   and  solely  on  the  character-­‐deficient  individual.    All  the  expectations  are  on   him.    I  also  know  that  I’ll  have  to  confront  his  unreasonable  thinking  many   times  during  the  course  of  treatment.    But  each  time  I  encounter  it,  I’m  careful   to  confront  it  directly,  and  put  the  burden  for  change  back  squarely  where  it   belongs.”
Irrelevant  Thinking        He  majors  on  the  minor  and  ignores  the  major  things.    Petty   irrelevant  details  will  hang  him  up  and  he  will  discount  the  larger  picture.
External  Thinking       Blames  everything  that  happens  to  something  “out  there”
instead  of  looking  inside  himself  for  the  source  of  some  of  his  problems.
Hard  Luck  Thinking         Sees  himself  as  a  victim  of  circumstances  instead  of  an  agent   of  change.  He  has  “pity-­‐parties”  and  often  sees  himself  as  getting  raw  deals.
Bitterness  and  resentment  are  common.
End-­‐Game  Thinking        This  thinking  is  more  common  to  the  aggressive   personalities  who  develop  a  type  of  tunnel  vision  to  “get  what  they  want”.    The  ends   always  justify  the  means  and  they  don’t  give  much  thought  into  the  morality  of  their   tactics.    Because  of  their  other  disturbed  thinking  patterns  they  believe  if  someone  is
stupid  enough  to  be  taken  advantage  of,  it’s  their  problem.    It’s  all  about  winning.
Quick  and  Easy  Thinking        This  person  is  always  looking  for  shortcuts.    He  detests   working  hard  for  something  or  having  to  earn  it.    What’s  the  quickest  and  easiest   way  to  get  what  I  want  is  their  thought.    “ Even  though  they  detest  work  and  effort,   disturbed  characters  will  sometimes  expend  energy,  especially  when  they  think  (1)   there’s  something  in  it  for  them,  (2)  the  payoff  will  be  relatively  quick,  or  (3)  their   effort  will  allow  them  to  take  advantage  of  others .
Mistrustful  Thinking          He  doesn’t  easily  trust  others  because  he  assumes   everyone  else  is  like  him.      If  you  say  something  wrong  or  misspeak,  he  will  accuse   you  of  lying.    When  he  lies  however,  he  will  trivialize  it  and  minimize  it.    He  refuses   the  idea  that  he  should  have  to  earn  someone’s  trust  by  behaving  in  trustworthy   ways,  yet  if  you  do  something  that  feels  untrue  for  him,  he  will  never  trust  you  again.
He  is  often  suspicious,  guarded  and  cagy.
Opportunistic  Thinking         If  he  can  take  advantage  or  exploit  someone  or   something  to  make  a  profit  he  will  without  regard  for  the  rightness  or  wrongness  of
it.
Combative  and  Defiant  Thinking           Especially  the  aggressive  personalities  tend  to   view  the  world  as  a  war  and  are  always  ready  to  engage  in  combat  to  win.    He  will   refuse  to  back  down,  cooperate  or  concede.    It’s  always  about  conquering  and   winning.    He  often  has  a  hostile,  defiant  and  confrontational  attitude.
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Undaunted  Thinking         Disturbed  characters  don’t  stop  and  reflect  why  bad  things   are  happening  to  them  (divorce,  jail,  etc).      Instead  he  takes  pride  in  staying  the   course  of  “this  is  who  I  am”  and  not  connecting  the  dots  that  the  bad  things  that   happen  to  him  might  be  a  natural  consequence  of  his  own  poor  choices  or  behaviors.
It’s  always  someone  else’s  fault.  Blame  is  common  and  he  is  often  belligerent  and   stubborn,  refusing  to  look  at  himself  or  change,  even  when  it’s  obvious  to  everyone
that  he  needs  to.
Shameless  Thinking         Shame  is  not  always  a  bad  thing  and  it  keeps  most  of  us   acting  appropriately  most  of  the  time.    Disturbed  characters  lack  appropriate  shame.
They  often  don’t  care  what  people  think  of  them  and  see  that  as  a  strength.     Simon   says,  “A  key  feature  of  the  most  disordered  individuals  is  often  that  they  neither  care   enough  nor  think  enough  about  how  their  patterns  of  behavior  reflect  on  their   character.    What’s  more,  when  disturbed  characters  do  perceive  that  someone  is   judging  them  in  a  negative  manner,  instead  of  feeling  ashamed,  they  go  into   impression-­‐management  mode;  they  try  to  convince  the  other  person  that   they  have  a   problem.”
Guiltless  Thinking           A  huge  sign  of  a  disordered  character  is  an  impaired   conscience.    They  don’t  feel  any  or  enough  guilt,  remorse,  or  regret  for  their  actions   that  hurt  other  people.
Circumstantial  Thinking           They  don’t  think  in  terms  of  cause  and  effect,  if  I  do   this,  then  that  might  happen.
Good  outcomes  are  attributed  to  luck  rather  than   hard  work  and  when  bad  things  happen  to  them,  they  are  likely  to  attribute  it  to
“bad  luck”  rather  than  their  own  irresponsibility  or  poor  choices.
Simon’s  list  of  behavior  patterns  that  keep  character  disturbances  going  and
growing.
Simon  says  that  character  disordered  persons  often  want  the  same  things  “normal”   people  want  in  life  but  they  want  it  without  having  to  work  for  them  in  the  way  that   the  rest  of  the  world  has  to  work  for  them.    They  don’t  want  to  have  to  pay  the  price   of  behaving  responsibly  and  working  hard  to  achieve  their  goals.    Rather  they   choose  what’s  easiest,  including  lying,  stealing,  conning  and  cheating  if  that’s  what  it   takes.        The  reason  they  don’t  change  is  because  it’s  easier  to  stay  they  way  they  are,   yet  try  to  make  it  look  like  they  are  different  or  working  hard  through  distortions,   deceit  and  manipulating  other’s  perceptions.
The  character-­‐disordered  tactics  (see  below)  work  best  on  someone  who  is
“neurotic”  to  some  degree;  in  other  words,  a  person  who  is  more  guilt  and  shame   driven  than  a  healthy  person.    Character  disordered  persons  choose  neurotic  people   to  con  because  they  are  much  easier  manipulated.    Neurotic  people  are  more  self-­‐
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doubting,  they  fear  making  harsh  judgments,  they  give  people  the  benefit  of  the   doubt  to  excess,  and  they  tend  to  feel  best  when  they  are  “helping  others”.
Simon  says,  “Neurotic  individuals’  main  vulnerability  is  that  they  simply  can’t  imagine   that  everyone  isn’t  at  least  to  some  degree  like  them.    …If  they’re  familiar  with  the   basic  tenets  of  traditional  psychology,  they’re  at  an  even  greater  disadvantage  because   they  might  assume  that  problem  behavior  is  always  motivated  by  feeling  threatened  or   insecure  (a  neurotic  problem).    So,  when  the  disordered  character  starts  blaming   others  or  “acting  wounded,”  they’ll  easily  buy  into  the  notion  that  they  must  be  “feeling   attacked”  and  are  “defending”  their  fragile  egos,  instead  of  merely  trying  to  get  the   better  of  them  and  avoid  responsibility.
*Simon  also  warns  therapists  here  that  they  can  be  easily  conned  by  the  CD  person,   especially  if  he  has  been  in  treatment  multiple  times.  He  knows  the  language,  the   explanations  and  can  easily  make  it  appear  that  he  is  going  along  but  underneath,  he   plays  it  as  a  game.
Responsibility-­‐avoidance  behaviors  and  manipulation  tactics .
The  responsibility  avoidance  behaviors  and  manipulative  tactics  work  so  well  for   the  CD’d  person  because  (1)  they  disguise  the  character-­‐disordered’s  malevolent   intentions.    (2).    They  put  the  other  person  –  usually  more  neurotic  on  the  defensive,   and  when  they  are  on  the  defensive,  it  is  easier  to  for  the  neurotic  feel  unnerved,   unsure,  and  back  down,  be  convinced,  conned  or  confused.
1 .    Rationalization  (making  excuses)          A  character  disordered  person  justifies  a   wrong  behavior  that  he  knows  is  wrong  by  making  an  excuse.      A  neurotic  person   may  also  use  rationalization  but  her  purpose  is  different.    The  neurotic  person  uses   it  primarily  to  justify  her  wrong  behavior  to  herself  (It  wasn’t  that  bad)  to  avoid   feeling  the  emotional  pangs  of  guilt  and  shame.  (She’s  attempting  to  feel  better   about  herself  for  what  she  did).      The  CD  person’s  purpose  is  different.    He  uses   rationalization  to  convince  his  victim  that  his  behavior  was  not  that  bad  (impression
management,  not  true  remorse  or  guilt).
2.    Externalizing  the  Blame  (Blaming  others  or  scapegoating)           CD  projects  the   blame  by  saying  something  out  there  made  him  do  it.      “It’s  your  fault  I  hit  you.  If  you   weren’t  so  critical  or  self-­‐righteousness  this  wouldn’t  have  happened.”  He  won’t   accept  personal  responsibility  that  he  made  a  poor  choice.
Projection  is  typically  seen  as  a  defense  mechanism.  When  a  neurotic    “projects”   onto  another  person  what  she  is  guilty  of  or  struggling  with  herself,  for  example,  she   says  to  someone,  “You  must  be  angry  at  me”,    it’s  because  she  is  angry  with  you  but   can’t  admit  it  to  herself.  (Neurotic  –  because  then  she  would  feel  too  guilty  and
believe  that  meant  she  was  a  bad  person  for  feeling  angry).
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Character  disordered  people  project  the  blame  for  completely  other  reasons.    A  CD   person  knows  full  well  that  hitting  his  wife  is  wrong  and  that  everyone  would  say  so,   but  he  doesn’t  have  enough  guilt  or  shame  internally  to  motivate  him  to  do  the  work   to  change.    Rather  he  attempts  to  excuse,  or  justify  his  behavior  by  putting  himself  in   a  better  position  by  saying,    “I  had  no  other  choice”  because  of  what   you  did.”  Or
“You  really  hit  me”  when  you  may  have  pushed  in  a  defensive  posture  against  being   injured  but  the  anger  and  abuse  is  projected  onto  you  in  order  for  him  to  not  take
responsibility.
3.    Denial       When  CD  individuals  use  this  tactic  it  is  not  because  they  are  unaware  of   some  deep  painful  hurt  about  who  they  fundamentally  are  or  what  they  did
(neurotic).    Rather  they  use  denial  –  or  deceit  –  as  a  way  of  making  themselves  look   like  they  don’t  know  what  you  are  talking  about.    It’s  used  as  a  way  of  making  you   second  guess  yourself  or  feel  bad  for  accusing  him  of  something  you  don’t  have   absolute  proof  of.    And  even  if  you  do  have  proof,  character  disordered  people  are   such  good  liars,  that  they  can  have  you  second-­‐guessing  your  proof.    They  do  not   admit  when  they  have  done  anything  wrong  and  denial  is  a  way  to  get  you  off  their   case.      They  use  this  tactic  to  avoid  negative  consequences  or  for  impression
management,  not  because  they  fear  acknowledging  the  truth.
4.  Minimizing       It’s  not  that  bad.  You’re  making  too  much  of  this.    What’s  wrong   with  you?    It’s  the  CD  person’s  attempt  to  make  you  take  the  focus  off  him  and  put  it   on  you.    He  wants  you  to  think  he’s  not  such  a  bad  person  and  that  you  are   overreacting.      Here  is  a  key  difference  between  neurotics  and  CD  people.    Neurotics   tend  to  be  catastrophic  in  their  thinking.    “Oh  my,  what  did  I  do?  I  just  ruined  my   kid’s  life  (because  you  didn’t  do  something  right).    Neurotics  will  beat  themselves  up   endlessly  for  the  most  insignificant  things  where  as  a  CD  person  will  do  the  most   heinous  things  and  then  make  it  seem  like  no  big  deal.
5.    Lying         CD  person’s  are  expert  liars.
They  lie  by  saying  something  is  untrue   when  they  know  it’s  true.    They  lie  by  twisting  key  details  of  the  truth  so  that  it  is  no   longer  true.    They  lie  by  distorting  the  facts.  They  lie  by  leaving  part  of  the  story  out.
They  misrepresent  the  overall  story  by  leaving  out  key  details  even  though  much  of   what  they  say  is  factual.  When  trying  to  pin  them  down  on  facts  or  details,  they  will   be  vague,  evade,  or  unclear.    Lying  is  used  to  con  and  mislead  others  so  that  the  CD   person  says  in  the  one-­‐up  position.
6.    Bullying.
CD’d  person  has  no  problem  utilizing  fear  to  get  what  he  wants.
Especially  with  aggressive  personalities,  he  may  openly  threaten,  intimidate,  brow   beat  or  rage  to  get  compliance  from  someone  else.
7.    Covert  Intimidation       Subtle  intimidation  is  harder  to  see  or  detect  but  is  very   effective.    These  threats  are  more  veiled  or  implied,  given  by  a  look,  or  raised  brow
or  even  by  what  is  not  said.  The  message  is  the  same.  If  you  don’t  comply  with  what   he  wants,  there  will  be  a  high  price  to  pay.
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8.    Evasion      When  confronted,  or  about  to  be  confronted  CD  will  avoid  the  subject.
They  won’t  give  you  a  straight  answer,  change  subjects,  and  dodge  direct  questions.
It’s  their  tactic  to  keep  you  off  balance  and  in  the  dark.  They  don’t  want  to  be
exposed.    Light  takes  them  out  of  the  one-­‐up  position.
9.    Diversion  (deflecting  or  shifting  focus).    Along  with  evasion,  diversion  keeps   truth  from  coming  to  light.    Deflection  is  used  by  drawing  your  attention  to   something  else,  a  different  problem,  another  person,    wild  goose  chase  that  confuses   and  misleads  you  down  the  wrong  road.
10.    Giving  Assent       When  cornered  with  no  other  way  out  a  CD  person  may  give  in   or  pretend  to  agree  with  you  just  to  get  you  to  stop.    Saying  you’ll  do  something  and   actually  being  committed  to  doing  it  are  two  different  things.    A  CD  person  will  say   what  ever  is  necessary  to  placate  others  while  having  no  real  intention  to  change  or
submit  to  change  for  himself.
11.  Posturing      To  maintain  superiority  and  a  one-­‐up  position,  they  most  keep  their   victims  on  the  defensive.    They  will  “challenge”  you  constantly  on  the  legitimacy  of   your  concerns.    When  their  challenger  is  insecure,  naïve,  or  guilt  driven,  they  are   likely  to  back  down.
12.    Playing  the  Victim        CD  people  often  play  themselves  as  victims  of  injustice.
It’s  a  way  to  throw  their  accuser  or  confronter  off  balance  again  by  making  it  seem   like  he  or  she  is  the  villain  and  they  are  the  true  victim.        It  also  keeps  them  from   taking  responsibility  for  their  own  wrong  doing  and  it  elicits  sympathy  from  others   who  do  not  know  the  true  nature  of  the  CD’d  person.
13.    Feigning  Ignorance  of  Confusion  (Playing  “Dumb”)         When  confronted  the
CD  person  often  acts  like  he  has  no  idea  what  you  are  taking  about.    They  act   confused,  injured,  and  ignorant  of  what  they  have  done  that  caused  you  to  be  angry   or  to  confront  them.      The  tactic  is  used  to  make  you  doubt  the  legitimacy  of  your   complaint  or  question  yourself  on  whether  they  meant  to  do  you  harm  (which  they
did).
*Counselors  –  no  matter  how  much  they  pretend  to  be  unaware  what  you’re   talking  about,  stay  focused  on  their  problem  behaviors.    Don’t  accept  “I  don't’
know”  for  an  answer.
14.    Feigning  Innocence.
Once  confronted,  CD  often  act  like  they  have  done   nothing  wrong.    If  evidence  is  overwhelming,  they  will  claim  that  they  had  no   malicious  intent,  it  was  an  accident,  unintentional  etc.    It  masks  the  aggressive  and   predatory  nature  of  their  acts.    If  he  can  make  you  feel  bad  about  accusing  him,  he  is   gaining  ground  to  further  manipulate  you.
15.    Playing  the  Servant      It’s  a  way  to  get  you  to  trust  him–  acting  like  he  wants  to   help  you  or  serve  you  when  he’s  really  setting  you  up  to  take  advantage  of  you.
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Simon  says,  “Predatory  aggressive  personalities,  whose  real  mission  is  self-­‐ aggrandizement  and  victimization,  are  very  adept  at  using  this  tactic  to  ensnare   others  into  cults  that  promise  safety,  justice,  and  special  status  to  their  members.
These  predators  play  on  the  known  needs  and  desires  of  others,  and  often  overtly  cater   to  these  needs  for  the  covert  goal  of  wielding  tremendous  power  and  control  over   them.”
16.    Seduction      CD’d  people  can  sweet  talk  you  into  giving  him  you  first-­‐born  child
if  you  are  not  careful.    They  flatter  you  or  tell  you  what  you  want  to  hear  so  that  they   win  you  over  without  having  to  earn  real  trust.        CD’d  persons  say  and  do  whatever   is  needed  to  gain  your  favor.    It’s  very  flattering  to  your  ego  but  it  lowers  your   defenses  and  you  are  more  easily  duped.
17.    Shaming      This  is  one  of  the  favorite  tactics  of  CD  people.    He  knows  that   neurotic  people  are  prone  to  guilt  tripping  themselves  and  are  very  conscientious.    If
he  can  make  you  feel  bad  about  yourself,  he  has  a  lot  of  power  over  you.
18.    Guilt-­‐Tripping      This  is  another  favorite  ploy  of  the  CD  person  for  the  same   reasons  as  shaming  is.    When  you  are  in  a  relationship  with  someone  who  regularly   uses  shame  and  guilt  to  manipulate  you,  understand  you  are  most  likely  in  the   presence  of  someone  with  a  CD.
19.    Vilifying  the  Victim    This  is  a  more  aggressive  and  serious  tactic  than  simply   blaming  someone  else.      Vilifying  the  victim  is  a  way  to  reframe  things  so  that  the   villain  comes  out  looking  like  the  victim  and  the  victim  is  cast  in  the  role  of  the   villain.      If  he  can  convince  people,  especially  the  neurotic,  that  she  is  the  villain,  she   will  be  disarmed  and  unable  to  confront  him  about  his  behavior.    Plus  her  support
system  will  be  confused  and  unable  to  stand  by  her  side.
20.    Selective  Attention        A  CD  person  sees  what  they  want  to  see  and  hears  what  he   wants  to  hear.    It  is  a  tactic  he  uses  to  avoid  responsibility.    He  tunes  you  out  so  he   doesn’t  have  to  think  about  what  you  say  or  act  responsibly  or  empathize  with  your   feelings.       Simon  says  here,  “Most  of  the  time,  it’s  not  that  disturbed  characters  are   struggling  with  attention  deficiencies,  but  that  they  are  very  selective  about  where  and   how  they  will  direct  their  focus .”
21.    Hypervigilance    Some  CD  person’s  are  highly  suspicious  and  constantly
questioning  the  motives  of  others.
22.    Conning  and  Contracting.
CD  people  like  to  “make  deals”  or  want  others  to   believe  that  they  are  being  mutually  supportive  with  something  but  they  are  not.
Any  deal  they  make  is  always  to  their  advantage  and  most  of  the  time  it  is  smoke
and  mirrors.
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23.    Trying  to  escape  guilt  or  shame  on  a  “technicality”      Big  picture  he’s  guilty,   but  he  will  try  to  make  a  case  for  one  small  part  that  is  wrong  or  unjust  and  make  a   case  for  himself  on  that  piece  rather  than  the  whole  picture.    It’s  a  way  to  avoid   focusing  or  having  to  face  what  he  did  do  that  was  wrong.  Instead  he’s  focused  on   the  small  detail  that  someone  got  wrong.
24.     False  concessioning.
Simon  writes,  “When  using  this  tactic,  disturbed   characters  make  some  small  admissions  or  grant  a  minor  point  to  someone   confronting  them.    This  way  they  appear  contrite,  open,  honest,  or  forthcoming,  at
least  to  some  degree,  while  actually  still  resisting  genuine  acceptance  of  the  important   issues.    They  often  combine  this  tactic  with  other  tactics,  including  distortion,  evasion,   or  various  forms  of  lying,  to  obscure  and  solidify  their  resolve  against  the  principles   and  standards  which  they  are  still  at  war.”
25 .    Leveling        A  tactic  used  when  an  abuser  finds  himself  in  a  one-­‐down  position,   perhaps  with  a  counselor,  a  police  man,  pastor  or  a  person  in  authority.    He  will  try   to  set  himself  up  as  someone  of  equal  importance  to  the  one  in  authority  and  he  will   try  to  equate  his  own  character,  values,  morals  to  those  of  the  person  who  he  is  up
against.
26 .    Manipulation  by  Insinuation.
Subtle  hints  at  what  might  happen  or  what  one   might  do  that  make  his  victim  fearful  or  easily  manipulated  but  when  you  call  him
on  it  it’s  easily  denied  and  thrown  to  your  misinterpretation  or  paranoia.
Throughout  the  book  Simon  reminds  professionals  (his  intended  audience)  that  CD   clients  are  handled  in  a  completely  different  way  than  neurotics.      To  summarize,  he   says  neurotics  need  a  therapy  process  that  focuses  on  helping  her  gain  insight  into   some  of  her  unconscious  conflicts  that  are  beneath  the  surface  of  her  maladaptive
symptoms.
On  the  other  hand,  for  CD  people,  Simon  stresses  that  they  need  corrective   emotional,  cognitive  and  behavioral  experiences.     He  says  their  maladaptive  behavior   patterns,  and  the  erroneous  thinking  and  attitudes  that  help  foster  them,  need  to  be   directly  but  benignly  confronted  and  corrected  (preferably,  at  the  very  moment  they
occur).    They  also  need  to  practice  or  rehearse  more  adaptive  ways  of  thinking  and   behaving.
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Below  are  some  basic  principles  you  must  remember  if  you  are  dealing  with  a  CD   person.
1.
They  already  “see”,  they  simply  disagree.     Don’t  waste  your  time  trying  to   convince  a  CD  of  the  wrongness  of  their  ways.  They  already  know  what   principles  society  (God  or  the  family)  wants  them  to  live  by,  they  have  so  far   refused  to  submit  to  those  standards.
Instead  of  trying  to  get  him  to  “see”,  state  firm  behavioral  limits  or  expectations   if  you  are  going  to  be  involved  with  him.    Confront  directly  his  truth  distortions   and  responsibility  avoidant  tactics  (section  2)  when  he  displays  them.
2.     How  they  feel  is  not  nearly  as  important  as  how  they  think  and  act.
How  he   feels  is  not  his  main  problem,  it’s  how  he  thinks  and  behaves.  That  must  be  front   and  center  of  any  conversations.
3.    Change  occurs  in  the  here  –and-­‐now.         How  do  you  know  if  a  CD  person  is   changing?    Only  if  you  see  it  happening  in  the  here  and  now.    At  the  moment  the   problematic  behaviors  or  attitudes  occur  (within  the  session)  and  you  challenge   him  on  them.    Is  he  willing  to  modify  them?    Change  them?    Pay  attention  to   superficial  appeasement  strategies.    However,  if  that’s  what’s  happening,  at  the   beginning  it  is  a  start  and  they  can  be  positively  reinforced.    When  the   responsibility  avoidant  tactics  are  still  happening  in  the  hear  and  now,
understand  that  there  is  NO  change  happening  despite  what  he  may  say.
4.    Remember:  Position,  position,  position.        A  CD  person  wants  to  win,  be  one-­‐up   and  seek  an  advantage  over  you.      *It’s  especially  important  for  therapists  to   adopt  an  authoritative,  confrontational,  and  directive  stand  right  from  the   beginning  in  order  to  combat  this  posturing  from  the  CD  person.      A  therapist   must  state  clearly  his  her  expectations,  boundaries,  enforce  limits  and  employ   maximum  leverage  right  from  the  first  session.    (This  is  contrary  to  most   therapeutic  settings  where  a  therapist  assumes  a  more  passive,  accepting,  non   directive  stance).        It’s  imperative  that  the  power  reside  with  the  one  who  is
most  likely  to  use  it  wisely  (you)  and  not  with  the  CD  person.
For  a  Christian  woman  who  has  been  counseled  to  give  her  husband  the  one-­‐up   position  (be  submissive)  this  can  be  extremely  complicated  and  dangerous.    As   long  as  she  continues  to  “submit”  he  continues  to  take  advantage  and  abuse.    It’s   only  when  she  stops  allowing  herself  to  be  treated  as  an  object  and  a  “servant”  of   the  other,  will  not  only  she,  but  he  begin  to  have  an  opportunity  to  wake  up  to   the  truth.
5.    Endorse  and  enforce  values,  principles,  and  standards.         Traditional  therapy   tries  very  hard  to  be  non-­‐judgmental  so  people  feel  safe  and  free  to  share   anything.    NOT  so  with  a  CD  person.    They  need  to  know  straight  away  that  not   anything  goes,  that  there  are  certain  standards  and  values  and  expectations  that   they  will  need  to  abide  by  if  they  are  going  to  engage  with  you.
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6.
Know,  honor  and  use  the  power  of  confrontation.
Speaking  the  truth  in  a   firm,  loving,  non-­‐shaming  but  clear,  strong  way  is  a  skill  and  an  art.
Always  confront  the  behavior.  Not  the  motives.    Not  the  person,  his  value,   worth  or  image.    Always  the  behavior,  but  call  it  for  what  it  is.    Expect  him   to  resist  but  do  it.    That  is  his  only  hope.
7.
Don’t  accept  anything  at  face  value        CD  people  lie  without  hesitation.  He   will  lie  to  get  what  he  wants,  he  will  lie  to  control  your  impress  of  him.
Check  and  cross  check  information  about  their  histories  and  the  event   that  took  place.
8.
Take  charge  and  take  charge  quickly.    The  counselor  must  set  the  agenda,   have  clear  boundaries  and  limits  and  communicate  expectations  at  the   start  of  therapy.      You  also  must  be  willing  to  enforce  consequences  if  they   refuse  to  comply.
What  are  the  take-­‐a-­‐ways  for  the  non-­‐counselor?    Simon  doesn’t  address  how  the
ordinary  person  should  deal  with  a  character-­‐disordered  person  specifically  but   outlines  these  general  principles.
1.
Revise  your  way  of  thinking  about  this  person.    He’s  not  struggling  with  fears   and  insecurities;  he’s  got  problem  behaviors  and  wrong  thinking  that  need   correction.
2.
Pay  attention  to  the  various  personality  features  that  Simon  spoke  about
(Chart  3).    When  you  are  interacting  with  someone,  do  they  primarily  fall  in   the  neurotic  continuum  or  the  CD  continuum?
3.
Know  your  own  self.  What  are  your  neurotic  tendencies  to  accept  guilt  and   blame,  to  over-­‐function  and  be  responsible?    What  is  going  on  with  you  that   makes  you  more  vulnerable  to  being  duped  or  taken  in  by  a  CD  person?
4.
Pay  attention  to  the  twisted  thinking  patterns  and  the  responsibility   avoidance  tactics  outlined  in  section  2  of  this  report.    Recognize  them  the   moment  the  CD  starts  to  engage  them  and  respond  appropriately,    -­‐  either   disengage  or  speak  directly  about  it:    “We’re  not  talking  about  me  we’re   talking  about  you.”    Or  “I’m  sticking  to  the  issue  here,  and  then  restate  your   need,  your  question  or  your  concern).
5.
Don't  try  to  fix  the  CD  person.  Take  responsibility  for  YOU.    Don't’  over-­‐ function.    Tend  to  your  own  CORE.  Have  boundaries,  limits  and  expectations.
Simon’s  Rules  for  Engagement  or  Non-­‐engagement  with  a  CD  person.
1.
Never  accept  an  excuse.    If  the  behavior  is  wrong,  the  reason  is  irrelevant.
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2.
Judge  actions  not  motives  or  intentions.    Actions  always  speak  louder  than   words.    If  someone  says  they  didn’t  intend  to  hurt  you  and  they  did,  it  still   hurt  you.
3.
Set  limits,  boundaries  and  expectations  early  on  in  a  relationship  and  in  an   encounter  with  a  CD  person.
4.
Make  requests  that  are  clear,  simple,  and  direct.    I  statements  are  best.    “I   want  you  to  stop  calling  me  names  and  belittling  me.”
5.
Accept  only  clear,  simple  and  direct  responses.    When  he  starts  circular   conversations  disengage.  He’s  using  his  avoidance-­‐responsibility  tactics.
6.
Stay  focused  on  the  here  and  now.    Demand  change  in  the  here  and  now,   don’t  accept  promises  for  the  future.  If  he’s  not  telling  the  truth  now  he  won’t   later.  If  he’s  not  respecting  your  no  now,  he  won’t  later.  Etc.
Final  thoughts:
The  Bible  tells  us  that  in  the  final  days  we  will  encounter  more  CD  people.    2
Timothy  3:2  says  “For  people  will  love  only  themselves  and  their  money.  They  will   be  boastful  and  proud,  scoffing  at  God,  disobedient  to  their  parents,  and  ungrateful.
They  will  consider  nothing  sacred.  They  will  be  unloving  and  unforgiving;  they  will   slander  others  and  have  no  self-­‐control.    They  will  be  cruel  and  hate  what  is  good.
They  will  betray  their  friends,  be  reckless,  be  puffed  up  with  pride,  and  love   pleasure  rather  than  God.    They  will  act  religious,  but  they  will  reject  the  power  that   could  make  them  godly.  Stay  away  from  people  like  that!”
Key  take  aways
1.
Understand  your  own  self.    Know  your  own  neurotic  tendencies  and  ways   you  may  also  have  some  CD  tendencies.    Use  this  awareness  to  grow,  ask  God
for  help  and  to  change.
2.
Don’t  try  to  “diagnose”  your  spouse  but  understand  that  he  too  may  have  a   mixture  of  neurotic  and  CD  tendencies.    The  less  guilt  the  more  CD.    The  more   guilt  the  more  neurotic  would  be  a  good  benchmark.
3.
Traditional  therapy  does  not  work  with  CD  individuals.    The  paradigm  for   seeing  them  is  wrong.    They  need  someone  who  will  be  able  to  speak  strongly   yet  lovingly  to  them  about  their  behaviors  and  thinking  patterns.
4.
It  is  very  easy  to  be  conned  by  these  individuals.  Don’t  beat  yourself  up  too   much  if  that  happens.  But  start  to  recognize  when  you  are  enabling  a  CD   person  to  get  away  with  their  reasonability  avoidance  tactics  and  stop.
5.
We  can  show  unconditional  love,  but  we  do  not  have  unconditional   relationship  with  all  people.    It’s  okay  to  have  limitations,  expectations  and   boundaries  with  these  people.  It’s  critical  for  your  sanity  and  sanity.
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6.
If  you  see  that  your  CD  spouse  is  exhibiting  a  lot  of  sadistic  aggressive  and   predatory  aggressive  tendencies  know  that  your  SAFETY  is  in  danger  and   you  cannot  stay  well.    You  must  develop  a  safety  plan  and  separate  or  you   will  continue  to  be  harmed  as  will  your  children.
7.
If  you  become  well  versed  in  identifying  the  thinking  errors  and  the   responsibility  avoidance  tactics  of  your  CD’d  spouse  (or  person  you  are   dealing  with),  you  will  stay  more  sane  and  not  as  easily  get  confused,   overwhelmed,  or  manipulated.    Staying  well  may  still  be  a  challenge   depending  on  how  aggressive  their  tactics  are  and  how  worn  down  you  feel.
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