FINDING BALANCE
Story by
Gil Bellows and Chris Conrad
Teleplay by
Chris Conrad
WGA Registered/Copyright © 2015
Property of Chris Conrad
Email: chris@conniebproductions.com
Text
4/30/15
EXT. BEACH - SUNRISE
The bare back of LEO HOLMBERG (40's), separates us from the
ocean water. Longish hair, tan, naturally fit. A white hemp
yoga thong clutches his crotch. He faces the Pacific.
C/U - His handsome, seasoned face. A top-shelf handlebar
mustache sits over an easy smile. This guy has stories.
LEO
Morning, mamma. It's Leo. Thanks
for another day to be alive and to
sponge up your wonders.
Leo looks to his feet.
The tide water nears.
LEO (CONT’D)
Today's a big day. Game changer.
I've tasted your salt from all
seven continents, and treaded
thousands of miles upon the firm
earth of your neighbors. I know I
was unavailable for the traditional
American dream. But I feel I have
more "were's" than "will be's."
And the reality is...I still have
some magic I'd love to cascade all
over this gorgeous planet. So, I
humbly ask for your grace and
positive, life-giving force to be
with me today. More specifically,
around three-thirty...at Santa
Monica Bank.
(beat)
We've spent much time together. And
although I haven't felt your touch
in many moons, one day soon I know
I'll be back inside you. Thanks.
(to himself)
And the day is mine.
He smiles, turns with confidence and trips over a moving
metal detector. From the sand he looks up and sees an
OVERWEIGHT WOMAN (60's), leather tan, gold chains, ski
goggles, headset radio, Dodgers cap, detector in hand.
WOMAN
You're blocking my gold, son!
Leo looks to CAMERA. FREEZE FRAME
SUPER: LEO HOLMBERG - YOGI, SEEKER...RENTER.
ROLL CREDITS
2
EXT. WEST COAST BODY - VENICE BEACH, CALIFORNIA - DAY
Another picture perfect, Cali day. A HOTTIE in a bikini
skateboards past the huge, free-standing gym.
LEO (PRELAP)
Dandayamana.
INT. WEST COAST BODY - YOGA ROOM - SAME
JUMP CUTS - C/U parts of assorted sweaty bodies - shoulders,
legs, butts - moving slowly, trying to anchor.
C/U Leo's lips and mustache.
LEO
Tadasana. Tree pose.
Various skin colors shine. Backs arch, glutes tighten.
LEO (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Hathor the Egyptian mother goddess
had sex with three hundred men in
one night. Kapalbhati.
Chests and breasts expand.
LEO (O.S.) (CONT’D)
She must have done some serious
yoga. Check it out.
REVEAL Leo instructing and holding position. He's in Scorpion
Pose, inverted, on his hands, legs crossed - ridiculously
difficult. Before him, a full class, mid-pose. Their eyes
widen. We hear muffled "oh, my God," "that's incredible."
Leo collapses pose, stands, smiles.
Namaste.
Namaste.
LEO (CONT’D)
CLASS
The class poses collapse.
Leo steps forward.
LEO
Bring it in.
They rise and tighten in a circle around him.
LEO (CONT’D)
Look at this hot, beautiful, peoplerainbow.
3
Male, female, a gay guy, some chicks with tats.
LEO (CONT’D)
It's like a bag of Skittles with
eyeballs and pubic hair. Different
shapes and colors. Some into
lace...
He winks at LISA (30's). She smiles.
LEO (CONT’D)
...some into leather.
He nods at DEVON (40's), pudgy, gay.
Devon blushes.
LEO (CONT’D)
Hetero, bi, homo.
He shakes his head.
LEO (CONT’D)
Nahin. Bullshit. What are we? Music
slots in a record store?
Heterobihomo. One power. One love.
Heterobihomo, heterobihomo...
CLASS
Heterobihomo.
LEO
Groovy. Alright. Go be alive.
We hear some appreciation, "you rock, Leo," "he's so hot," as
they disperse. MYRA (50's), a short, peppy, New York
transplant, steps up.
MYRA
My nadis was completely open,
today, Leo. You are incredible.
LEO
That's great, Myra.
MYRA
I almost had full chakra alignment.
Next time.
LEO
They head for the door.
LEO (CONT’D)
What's new?
4
MYRA
I'm glad you asked. I have a
proposition for you.
LEO
Business or pleasure?
MYRA
Sweetie, please. I couldn't handle
you if I was thirty years younger
and had a vagina from Cirque du
Soleil. Business.
INT. WEST COAST BODY - SAUNA - MOMENTS LATER
A sign buy the entry reads: UNISEX INFRARED SAUNA.
INSIDE we find Myra and Leo sitting naked, a few nude BODIES
behind them. Red beams of light criss-cross the room.
MYRA
Leo, what you do is amazing. It's a
gift, and it needs to be exposed.
A male West Coast Body EMPLOYEE enters, naked, small towel on
his forearm, holding a tray of tiny paper cups.
EMPLOYEE
Debauve and Gallais Chocolate YumYum Balls?
Leo shakes his head "no."
Myra takes one.
The guy exits.
MYRA
Douglas left me for a stripper.
I'm sorry.
LEO
MYRA
I'm not. Let her put up with his
goddamn cigar smoke and lazy ass.
They stand and make their way out.
MYRA (CONT’D)
Anyway, I'm going to start managing
again, and I want to represent you.
LEO
Represent me?
5
INT. WEST COAST BODY - JUICE BAR - LATER
Myra's changed into a casual business suit. Leo's in his
thong, tattered gym bag in hand. She reaches into her purse,
hands him a business card.
My card.
MYRA
LEO
I thought you guys handled
performers.
MYRA
All kinds of performers.
Actors, singers, personalities.
Leo spots a display for "JACKED" energy drink over Myra's
shoulder and steps over.
MYRA (CONT’D)
You're a rock star with a yoga mat.
He grabs a can and reads the label.
MYRA (CONT’D)
You're like Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and
Dr. Feelgood all blended
together...
The bar EMPLOYEE places a shake before Myra - she takes it,
and they head for the door.
MYRA (CONT’D)
...in one potent and captivating
power shake.
Leo puts the can in the recycle bin as they exit.
EXT. WEST COAST BODY - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Leo and Myra walk.
LEO
This is spiritual for me, Myra.
It's who I am. It's not slight-ofhand. It's my art.
MYRA
Single father, cost of living in
L.A. How old's Freemont, now?
LEO
Freedom. Sixteen next week.
6
MYRA
College ain't cheap. Deepak Chopra
Jillian Michaels, the P90X guy,
they all commercialized. They're
all loaded.
LEO
Well, I guess I'm kind of
commercializing, too. I'm meeting
today for a business loan so my
friend Red and I can open our own
spiritual and wellness center. Then
I can say goodbye to chocolate YumYum Balls and all the other
corporate bullshit and do it my
way. Organically.
They stop beside a new Mercedes SLK 350 and a beach cruiser
bicycle with a basket in front. Myra clicks open the
Mercedes, Leo grabs the beach cruiser.
LEO (CONT’D)
And as far as performing, I guess
that's what you can call what I'll
be doing at the Yoga Championships
in 'Frisco next month. I'm gonna
attempt the nearly impossible move
"Nirvana Plus." The only known
human to have done it was Swami
Dave, my former Yogi.
MYRA
Swami "Dave?"
LEO
Yeah, short for Davihani. If
Nirvana Plus is done properly
there's total levitation, and you
can actually see the soul.
She smiles, looks at the forty-something climbing on a bike,
the worn bag in the basket.
MYRA
Leo...there's a way to make art and
money. Think about it.
She enters her ride, drives off. Leo watches her go,
contemplates their conversation for a beat, then begins to
peddle. We HEAR the screech of brakes. Leo stops his bike
inches from a raised HUMMER, midnight black with the words
"WEST COAST BODY" painted on the sides. VIC GALLO (40's),
leans out the driver's side window, looks over his shades.
7
VIC
Morning, Grape-nuts.
Hey, Vic.
Full room?
LEO
VIC
LEO
Like always.
VIC
Good-good. My wife leave?
LEO
I think so.
VIC
Listen, Leo, we're having an
inventory problem. Products that
should be on display are ending up
in the recycle bins. It's not
happening at my other two gyms,
just this one.
LEO
That's probably where they belong.
Everything in there is processed
and full of sugar.
VIC
Yeah, well, sugar tastes good and
makes you want more. That's more
money. It's a gym, Leo, not a
hospital.
LEO
That's f'd up.
VIC
Just keep making these horny
housewives go home and sit on the
washing machine. You can sell tree
nuggets when you open your own
place. Later, Greenpeace.
The Hummer takes off, whips into spot and parks.
LEO
(to himself)
You run a candy store, you d-bag.
Leo rides away.
8
The hummer door opens, Vic jumps out. He's five-foot-four
and two hundred pounds. He tightens his weight belt as he
heads inside his gym.
EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - DAY
Leo peddles his bike, hands-free, working a tangelo, chucking
peels. A bottle of baby oil's jammed in his back waistband.
TWO SANTA MONICA POLICE OFFICERS on Segway movers appear
alongside, red and blue strobes spinning from the back.
EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - MOMENTS LATER
Leo's stopped on his bike. Beside him, OFFICER NED SHERMAN
has a ticket log in one hand, Leo's license in the other.
OFFICER FRANK CARLS figure-eights them on his Segway.
SHERMAN
You like to litter?
CARLS
Talking to you, Johnny Appleseed.
SHERMAN
Lot of orange peels back there.
LEO
Tangelo. Yeah, it's biodegradable.
CARLS
Nice bike. Your husband have one?
LEO
The bacteria's gonna eat all that
up. Or maybe some animals.
CARLS
Got it all figured out, huh?
SHERMAN
It's littering...
Sherman looks at the driver's license.
SHERMAN (CONT’D)
...Holmberg. Where you heading?
LEO
To see a client.
CARLS
With baby oil? You a hippie-lawyer
that gives hand-jobs?
9
LEO
Why, you want one?
CARLS
Watch it, bro. I'll turn this body
camera off and go to town on you.
Sherman starts writing the ticket.
LEO
Are you kidding me? There's
probably someone dealing cocaine,
like, a few blocks over, and you
guys are shaking me? A law abiding
citizen that eats fruit?
CARLS
"Litters" fruit.
Sherman pulls the ticket from the log.
LEO
I served my country, in uniform,
and I never once abused my power
the way you guys are doing.
Sherman hesitates handing it to Leo.
SHERMAN
Marines? Navy?
LEO
Coast Guard.
The cops laugh.
Sherman hands Leo the ticket.
SHERMAN
We'll let you get back to safeguarding the Pacific.
CARLS
Fire a flare if you see an ISIS
submarine.
They Segway off.
LEO
Unbelievable.
Leo peddles away.
WOMAN (PRELAP)
Deeper...oh, right there...
10
INT. BIG HOUSE - DAY
OFF a framed photo on a mantle: VIC (owner of the gym) AND
LISA (from Leo's Yoga class), HOLDING ONE ANOTHER, WEDDING
BANDS VISIBLE. He's smiling wide. Her, not so much.
PAN to REVEAL Lisa, face down on her living room floor,
topless, on a mat. Leo's behind her, finishing her massage.
He wears a t-shirt with the word MASSEUR.
LEO
Well, Lisa, that should do it.
He rises, wipes his hand on a towel, and grabs his baby oil.
LISA
You're amazing.
LEO
My pleasure.
She stands, throws on a tank top, moves to her purse, pulls
out some cash.
LISA
Here's fifty for the massage.
a hundred for the tip.
And
He smiles, takes the cash, grabs his bag.
Thank you.
LEO
They walk to the front door. She opens it for him.
LISA
See ya soon.
LEO
Sounds good.
He steps out. She closes it.
EXT. LISA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Leo moves to the side of the house. He takes his masseur tshirt off, puts it in his bag, then scales a thirty foot oak.
He pops onto the home's second-floor catwalk before an open
sliding glass door and stops.
REVERSE to REVEAL Lisa, waiting naked in bed.
him with a finger.
Leo smiles and enters.
She beckons
11
EXT. VENICE BEACH - DAY
Leo's seated in the sand reading the classifieds section of
the paper, pen in hand. Before him, tubes of clear gel and a
cardboard sign that reads: HIPPO SWEAT SUNBLOCK - $10.00.
Leo circles a section of the periodical.
INSERT CIRCLED SECTION: USED CARS - 2002 ECONOMY CAR $3,900.
Over the paper, he spots a stretch limo pull to a stop. He
smiles, heads in the limo's direction, passing TWO LADIES
(40's), fastening rollerblades.
LEO
(to ladies)
My ride's here.
He winks. They laugh.
REDWOOD (30's), huge, black, bodybuilder-type, steps from the
limo's driver's side. He's dressed sharp in a black suit and
tie, garment bag in hand.
Leo!
REDWOOD
LEO
What's up, Redwood?
They hug.
We SEE a "CALIBER LIMO" patch on Red's lapel.
LEO (CONT’D)
(re garment bag)
Yes! You got it.
He hands the bag to Leo.
REDWOOD
And I dropped off the presentation
boards at your duplex.
LEO
You're a legend.
REDWOOD
Three-thirty, still?
LEO
Yep. One last Q and A, and we
should be on our way to our own
health and wellness compound.
12
REDWOOD
You sure I can't go with you, bro?
LEO
You served time, Red. I know your
actions were justified and were
many years ago, but these guys
won't see that.
Red smiles.
REDWOOD
We're gonna change some lives, Leo.
LEO
We're gonna spin the globe, Red.
REDWOOD
I gotta go. Warren Buffett's in the
back. Gotta get his ass to LAX.
What?
LEO
REDWOOD
Just fucking with you. I'll see ya
at the Tea Hut around five. We'll
pop the cork on some Chamomile
champagne.
Leo smiles. Red heads for the ride.
Red -
LEO
Redwood turns back.
LEO (CONT’D)
The winds of fortune are blowing
with us.
REDWOOD
And we're just two bad-ass dragons
that are gonna ride it all the way
to Y Health and Wellness.
Red smiles wide, bright with enthusiasm and promise.
enters the ride and rolls out.
Leo closes his eyes.
He
13
LEO
(to himself)
I'm the North Star, and all other
stars point to me.
He turns, heads back to the beach.
EXT. DUPLEX - DAY
Leo rides up to the entrance, pops off the bike, grabs the
garment bag from the basket. Three large poster boards wait
by his door. He looks them over - rich color, graphics, etc.
LEO
(to himself)
Nice, Red.
He steps for the door, sees a note on the doorframe.
INSERT NOTE: NOTICE TO PAY RENT.
He yanks it off, enters.
LEO (CONT’D)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
INT. LEO'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS
Leo sets the boards down, opens a cabinet by his desk.
INSIDE the cabinet we see three files: Y, FREEDOM'S CAR,
CARMEN. He pulls cash from his gym bag and places half in the
Y file and half in FREEDOM'S CAR file and steps away.
WE MOVE IN on a framed photo on the wall: A YOUNGER LEO WITH
HIS ARM AROUND AN EASTERN INDIAN MAN - BOTH IN YOGA THONGS.
Under the photo is inscribed: SWAMI DAVIHANI BUDSHAH 19501991 RIP.
CUT TO:
Leo's before the bathroom mirror in his "suit" - the "CALIBER
LIMO" patch visible on the lapel. He pulls a piece of black
electrical tape he's prepared, places it over the company
logo.
CUT TO:
Leo, in Caliber suit, hair combed, heads for the front door.
LEO
(singing)
"Oh pirates yes they rob I..."
14
AS HE PASSES, we PUSH IN on the wall over his desk. WE FIND a
FRAMED GOLD MEDAL INSCRIBED WITH THE WORDS "U.S.C.G. GOLD
LIFESAVING MEDAL". Beside this we find a framed action photo
of LEO IN US COAST GUARD FOOTBALL GEAR, PICKING OFF A PASS.
EXT. STREETS - LATER
Leo peddles his bike. On his back are the large poster boards
fastened with bungee cords across his chest.
INT. LOBBY - SANTA MONICA BANK - DAY
Leo's seated, boards beside him. Across from him sits a YOUNG
MAN (20's), in a sharp business suit on his cell.
YOUNG MAN
(into cell)
...I took some guys from my company
there last year for the big twofive. Rented the Penthouse at the
Luxor...
Beside him, a MAN (50's), talks quietly to his mentally
challenged SON (30's). Leo observes the exchange.
MAN
Did you use your new razor?
Yes.
SON
The man looks at his son's face.
MAN
It works well. What should we get
for dinner tonight? Pizza?
Yeah.
Yeah.
SON
MAN
Leo takes this in.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Mr. Holmberg?
Leo turns. PHIL FRANKS (50's), overweight, slouchy, stands
waiting. Leo rises.
Yes. Leo.
LEO