Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
Denise Eberhart
Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
November 4, 2012
Family Systems
Moraine Park Technical College
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
Family members take on roles to reduce stress and allow them to continue to
function around the craziness caused by the chemical dependent member. Yet these
roles often allow the dependent to continue to abuse drugs. The family develops a set of
maladaptive compulsive behaviors to survive in a family experiencing great emotional
pain. These roles allow the pain of the dysfunction to be a tolerable atmosphere within
the family. In a healthy family, members are not cast into rigid roles. Instead of pressing
each member into a role to fulfill only one family function, each member is given the
opportunity to experience each of the family roles. The assignment of survival roles in
chemically dependent families can probably be credited to Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
(Curtis, 1999)This paper will examine the survival roles within the chemically dependent
family system.
The need for treatment of the family members is as great as the need for the
treatment of the chemically dependent. The whole family acts as an organism.
Chemical dependency in one family member is just one of the many problems within the
family. Chemical dependency is a family disease and a primary disease within each
family member. The family is affected greatly by the chemically dependent person. The
dependent’s relationship to the mood altering chemical contributes to the family illness
long before he/she goes to treatment. It also greatly influences the family during and
after treatment. To understand the phenomenon of chemical dependency occurring in a
family one must look at what a family is in itself.
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
A family’s parts are interdependent. The members of a family operate in a
system. A system is a body of parts that work together. They may work together for
peace and harmony. They may work together for survival.
In a chemically dependent family, each of these individual parts is affected by the
growing dysfunction of the chemically dependent person. Each family member adapts
to the behavior of the dependent person by developing behaviors that cause the least
amount of personal stress. Just as the chemically dependent person is suffering from
self-delusion in regard to the use of chemicals so are the family members suffering from
self-delusion. As addiction progresses, each family member compulsively represses
his/her feelings and learns to react with a survival behavior. This behavior serves to
build a wall of defenses for protection from emotional and physical pain.
The chemically dependent person develops a unique defense system to protect
painful repressed feelings. The wall of defenses compulsively covers up the true
feelings and the dependent lives in the trap of self-delusion. (Wegschneider-Cruse,
1976 rev.1991) Other family members revolve around this person. They are likely to be
experiencing quite a bit of pain and shame even though they may not see it as the result
of the excessive alcohol or drug use. As things get worse, the chemically dependent is
faced with increasing feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, fear, and loneliness. They
might develop a number of defenses to hide their shame and guilt including irrational
anger, charm, rigidity, grandiosity, perfectionism, social withdrawal, hostility, and
depression. They may blame others including family members who take on unhealthy
roles in order to survive. Children often feel guilty for their failure to save their parents
from the effects of alcohol (Joiners, 2007).
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
The persons living around the dependent are living with both messages coming
from the dependent person. There are the internal messages which are the
uncomfortable sensations coming from the repressed feelings and the obvious set of
defenses which are seen and heard by each family member. Because of the system
balance, each member of the family begins to respond to the dependent. Family
members, like the dependent, begin to repress their feelings and also develop a set of
defenses to protect them from further pain. Each family member finds a survival role.
Because the repressed feelings are unavailable to the dependent, there is very little
chance that the rest of the family will be any more aware of their feelings. This growing
action/reaction of the dependent and family is a self-deluded process. The family grows
more out of touch with reality. As the compulsion grows between the dependent and
the chemical, the compulsion also grows between the dependent’s behavior and the
family’s reaction.
Each family member becomes locked into a set of rigid survival defenses and
needs help to become aware of these compulsive behavior patterns. What follows are
the roles as they are identified within the field of family therapy. The Chief Enabler
(Caretaker) begins to step up and take control as the chemically dependent loses power
and control. This enabling includes anything that protects the dependent person from
the consequences of their actions. The spouse often takes on this role, but children and
siblings can also be enablers. Parents can also be seen in this role. The enabler tends
to everyone’s needs in the family and loses their sense of self in daily tasks. His or her
needs become invisible. Feelings are ignored and repressed. As long as the enabler
and the chemically dependent family members play their game of mutual self-deception,
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
things never get better. They will always get worse. Others in the family cannot bond
with the enabler due to the total immersion by the enabler to “fix” the situations caused
by the addicted. They MUST maintain appropriate appearances to the outside world.
Alcoholism and drug addiction demands that the dependent maintain a constant
supply. This demand encourages enabling behaviors in loved ones. Enabling means
family members facilitate the using to prevent negative consequences from occurring to
the family. An example of enabling behavior is the purchasing of alcohol by the loved
one. The loved one rationalizes this purchase with the excuse that at least the alcoholic
will not have to drink and drive. Another enabling example is a family member
volunteering to call the alcoholic's employer with a feigned illness when in fact the
alcoholic has a hangover. While well intentioned, the enabling behavior serves to
protect the alcoholic from accountability (Addiction, 2012).
The negative consequences of this behavior are that the enabler never takes the
time to assess his/her own needs and feelings. The caretaker may not deal with his/her
own stress and many times this lack of attention may take on physical symptoms, such
as headaches, stomachaches, and backaches. The inner feelings of the caretaker may
be hurt, despair, anger, pain, guilt, fear, inadequacy, and self-doubt. Maybe they are not
doing a good job at fixing things? (Walker, 2012)
In each family system, a hero will evolve. The behavioral characteristics include
being a high achiever which takes focus off the dependent because of his/her success.
They tend to be perfectionists. The hero is often the oldest child who may see more of
the family’s situation and feels responsible for fixing the family pain. Usually this child
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
will excel in academics, athletics, music or theatre. She/he gives the family self-esteem.
As things get worse, the hero is driven to higher and higher levels of achievement. No
level of super responsible, perfectionist, over achievement can remove the hero’s
internalized feelings of inadequacy, pain, and confusion. Many others grow up to
become workaholics and live under constant stress as they work in the service of
others. They continue to seek approval for their extraordinary effort. Eventually, they
often end up distancing themselves from their family of origin (Davis, 2012).
Interestingly, many family heroes marry alcoholics and become enablers!
The negative consequences for a hero are that he/she does not receive attention
for anything besides an achievement; therefore, inner needs are not met. He/she loses
the ability to feel satisfied. Inner feelings can include guilt, hurt, inadequacy, confusion,
and frustration. Nothing seems to be good enough. Self- esteem is identified as
accomplishments with very little self-worth. In extreme cases, heroes may attempt
suicide leaving everyone dumbfounded since they had “everything going for them.”
(Wegscheider-Cruse, 1981)
The “scapegoat”, another role within the family, is the one who goes completely
against the rules acting out to take the focus off the problems in the family. The direct
message is that they are responsible for the family’s chaos. The family sees the
problems within being caused by the scapegoat. For example "Mom would not drink so
much if (Scapegoat's name) were not always in trouble.” In reality the misbehavior of
the Scapegoat serves to distract and provide some relief from the stress of chemical
dependency. This child has issues with authority figures as well as negative
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
consequences with the law, school and home. They may show self-pity, strong
identification with peer values, defiance, and hostility or even suicidal indicators. This
role may seem strange in purpose; however, if there were no scapegoat, all other roles
would dismantle. The Scapegoat’s purpose puts the focus away from the chemically
dependent thereby allowing the addicted to continue using (Joiners, 2007) .The
negative consequences of this role can be that friends become the “family” for the
scapegoat, a place where they can find acceptance. Inner feelings may consist of hurt,
anger, fear, shame, self-hate, rejection, and loneliness. Scapegoats are risk takers and
in extreme cases account for accidental death. For example, driving too fast in a car, or
competitively drinking (Wegschneider-Cruse, 1976 rev.1991).
In most dysfunctional families we find the mascot. This member will use humor
to lighten difficult situations. They attempt to bring humor to all situations even if
inappropriate. Often the most liked within the family, the mascot works hard at getting
attention and making people laugh especially when the anger and tension of substance
use in high. One might be referred to as the class clown. The laughter prevents healing
for the mascot by deflecting away from inner emotions. In addition, the mascot
frequently demonstrates poor timing for the comic relief. Often times the mascot is very
sad deep down inside. If you have heard the saying, “laughing on the outside crying on
the inside”, this describes the mascot. The mascot helps the family avoid hurt and pain.
(Walker, 2012)They may grow up unable to express deep feelings of compassion.
Finally, the Lost Child is found in most substance abuse homes. The Lost Child's
purpose is to not place added demands on the family system. She/he is low
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
maintenance (Curtis, 1999). This child will have virtually no connection to the family
and brings relief to the family by not bringing attention to the family. He often feels
lonely and does not learn communication and relationship skills. Like the scapegoat, he
doesn’t feel important. He easily disappears from the activity of the family. He sees
much more but does not vocalize. He is often reinforced for NOT causing problems.
Many times the family just “forgets” to include him in family decisions. The negative
consequences include hiding their hurt and pain by losing themselves in the solitary
world of short-term pleasure including excessive TV, reading, listening to music, drugs,
object love, eating and fantasy. The family reduces its depth in not listening to what the
lost child thinks and feels. “I will just disappear and no one has to worry about me.” A
lost child can feel alone and invisible in a room full of people. Inner feelings may consist
of emptiness, loneliness, hurt, sad, confused, fearful, and feeling worthless, pained and
inadequate. As adults they feel confused and inadequate in relationships. They may
end up as quiet loners with a host of secondary issues.
Summing it all up, chemical dependency is a family disorder and is
recognized by specific characteristics. Each person is part of the system and reacts to
another person in the system. Delusions and self-deception move the individuals
further from reality and into these survivor roles without awareness. There is a measure
of compulsiveness causing the individual to be driven to a specific behavior, trying to
make things better. Each individual family member takes on a specific role and each
member pays a price to survive.
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
Because of the self -delusion and the compulsive nature of these behavior
patterns, family members take these behaviors into every other relationship. Treatment
goals for the family members would be to break through the wall of delusion. This
would encourage an acceptance of the disease and the recognition of one’s own
feelings. This would lead to recovery for the whole person. If the chemically dependent
also takes steps to recover, then together the family can begin to share their feelings.
Accepting and forgiving can occur which would help to rebuild the family system.
The family system of a chemically dependent individual is hurting and in crisis.
Within this family, there is self-delusion, compulsive behavior patterns and a growing
primary disease of chemical dependency. The dependent person needs primary
treatment for the disease of chemical dependency and the family members need
treatment for their dysfunctional behavior patterns. Treatment methods may vary but
the need for recognition, acceptance and understanding of each member’s role in the
family disease is necessary for a full family recovery.
Healthy families can contain these roles as well; however, the roles are not as
rigid and unchanging as those seen in substance abuse homes. Functional families are
allowed to have more than one hero. In fact, in healthy families, behaviors do not cluster
toward one particular role. Individual emotions and family talk is allowed to happen. In
an alcoholic family, talking, trusting, and feeling are very limited. Excuses are made for
behaviors, one does not talk about issues because they don’t exist, and many times
children are told they do not feel the way they do. Don’t talk, don’t trust and don’t feel
are very strong messages found in families of chemical abuse.
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
Considerations when working with families effectively is to recognize that rocky
marriages stabilize by the symptoms shown in children (Curtis, 1999). Many of the
symptoms manifest some kind of noticeable behavior so a couple will focus on that
“symptom” versus the “elephant in the room” so to speak. Another consideration for
the counselor is that loyalty almost always lies with the family even in great
dysfunction. Therefore, what is said about members that are present and those that
are not, should be considered. Condemning or judging the dependents behavior will
cause greater defenses. This could create unsuccessful treatment and discord
between the counselor and the family members.
A criticism of the survival role concept is the multitude of information. While
engaging in a session, it is easy to put forth so much information such as that found in
this report, and it can overwhelm a family. Noted is the disengagement from the
information when too much information is given. In other words, the audience tunes
out. The family may not be able to identify with the roles in early recovery. The timing
is important. The counselor can deduce where each member fits within the roles and
can utilize this information in treatment, but the family may not understand. The idea of
family roles does not resolve immediate problems but over time can become a basis
for a counselor to begin assisting the family to change. An immediate crisis is not
going to be fixed by the acknowledgement of the survival roles that are being used. In
other cases, the survival roles when understood can provide a wonderful framework to
begin family treatment.
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
Family members take on roles to function around the chaos caused by the
chemical dependent member. The family develops a set of maladaptive compulsive
behaviors to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain. These roles allow
the pain of the dysfunction to be tolerable. By identifying the roles within the family,
counselors can begin to understand the dynamics of the family and help the family
begin to heal from the destruction of addiction. Once identified, the family members
can begin to talk openly which hopefully will lead to acceptance and then healing.
Survival roles within the chemically dependent family evolve to compensate for the
dysfunction happening due to the chemically dependent’s behavior.
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
References
Addiction. (2012, June). Retrieved November 2, 2012, from This is a War:
www.thisisawar.com/addiction
Boyd, G. A. (1992). Dysfunctional family. Retrieved November 4, 2012, from
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Curtis, O. (1999). Chemical Dependency: A family affair. Belmont: Brookes/Cole.
Davis, M. (2012). Surviving An Alcoholic Family. Retrieved Nov 1, 2012, from
http:''www.smcok.com/media.newspaper/licfamily.htm
Joiners, F. (2007, April 7). Alcoholic Family Roles. Retrieved October 31, 2012, from
Alsohol Self-help News: www.WordPress.com
Walker, L. &. (2012). Working with Groups from Dysfunctional Families Volume 1.
Retrieved October 31, 2012, from OADE: http://opt-n.net/one/simg.aspx
Wegscheider, S. (1981). Another Chance:Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family.
Palo Alto: Science and Behavior Books.
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Survival Roles in the Chemically Dependent Family
Wegschneider-Cruse, S. (1976 rev.1991). The Family Trap.. Rapid City: Onsite Training
and Consulting, Inc.
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