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DR WHO THOUGH THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?
“FEATS 2006 Fringe Skit
by Martin KIRK with additional material by everybody
5
PART
10
15
20
25
30
35
40
45
50
CAST (41 parts in order of appearance)
PLAYED BY (GROUP)
William Shakespeare
Glenn VAUGHAN (BSS)
Ann Hathaway
Yvonne DUNN? (AATG)
Viking of ceremonies (VOC)
John BRIGG (NWTC)
Davros / Stavros / Evil Mike
Richard MADDERN (TIE)
Dalek
Alice PERRY (ITG)
Man with tin foil
Patrick GRIFFIN (TIE)
Seagull
Nigel HARVEY (Stockholm Players)
Doctor Who
Martin SWABEY (BSS)
Billie Piper
Jemima CHALLENS (TIE / ECC) aged 3
Dr Spock
Sheila HEWITT (BLOC – Brussels Light Opera Company)
Dimitri
John ? (Luxembourg)
Anna
Anna SPARRE (TIE)
Harpagon (Miser)
Peter ? (AATG)
Valere (Steward)
Alan KENWAY (BSS / TIE)
Jacques (cook)
Eva ? (AATG)
Dowager Empress
Beverly ATKINSON (NWTC)
Anastasia
Jenny BUNCH (TIE)
Roy
Filip BLEY (TIE)
Miss Piggy
Christianna MASON (TIE)
Officer / Judge
Chris REIDY (TIE)
Alice
Rose BLYTH (TIE)
Bus Announcer
Blair GAULTON (Entity)
Mystery Woman from audience
Denise WICKEN (TIE – Chris Reidy’s mum)
Jess
Jo JACK (ECC)
Ned
Matthew ELLIOTT (TIE)
Blink
Chris REIDY (TIE)
Sherry
Anna SPARRE (TIE)
Kevin
Blair GAULTON (Entity)
Jeanette
Eva ? (AATG)
Off Stage Voice
Martin KIRK (ITG / TIE)
General
John ? (Luxembourg)
O’Flaherty WC
Peter (AATG)
Dad
Patrick GRIFFIN
Brother
Chris REIDY (TIE)
Mother
Yvonne DUNN (AATG)
Sister
Anna SPARRE (TIE)
George
Alan KENWAY (BSS / TIE)
Barbara
Beverly ATKINSON (NWTC)
Ben
Filip BLEY (TIE)
Gus
Matthew ELLIOT (TIE)
Carrie
Beverly ATKINSON (NWTC)
Sound
Martin KIRK (ITG / TIE)
Lights
Paul DAVIS (TIE)
Smoke
Sue BOTTERELL (ITG)
=================================================================
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HOW SEAGUL DIES
Yalta Game
Miser
5
10
15
Run over by steam train
Buried in money box, resurrects as Dalek’s long lost
brother
Anastasia
Bird flu
Roy
Weakest link / sword of Greystone
Alice
Death sentence
Real Lady Macbeth
Rusty Sword
Kevin
Safety scissors
O’Flaherty
Watering can Tardis falls on him
WASP
Mother uses him to stuff a cushion lamb toy
Fallopian Women
Dick Cheney shoots him
Dumb Waiter
Flies into wall into surprise after he wasn’t shot
Authors voice
Shakespeare gives it a moving death scene.
=================================================================
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PROLOGUE
FX Smoke. Blackout . William Shakespeare sits on stage in spotlight from TIE’s mega torch,
typing on an (imaginary) lap top.
5
WILL SHAKESPEARE
When shall we three meet again…. No too Scottish.
Boîte d’argent where is moi boîte d’argent. No, No too French. Anastasia No no too short,
ANN HATHAWAY (Random accent) What is it Will, my Warwickshire turnip?
10
WILL Well Ann, I’m trying to write an opening for this FEATS thingy on a lap top that hasn’t
been invented yet.
15
20
ANN A sort of “The Real Ladies of McFEATS”, heavy on the additives. Or perhaps “Lady
with the Laptop” - a short story due to low battery life.
WILL (Large gasp then speaks quickly in an accent that changes rapidly every time he
speaks) It has to be set in the Crimea, in a house in Paris, where everyone recognises each
other, be written in a crude Essex dialect that no-one under seventeen understands, with
adventures in a surreal world of political rabbits – but no witches I hate witches – with an
actor who is disturbed…
ANN
25
30
So no shortage of role models there…
WILL …but on a recruiting drive for trellises, whilst visiting a golf playing family of insects in
a sex free Iraq who are stupidly waiting to kill someone in a room whilst a best selling novel
is being written, all to be performed in Luxembourgish whilst eating boiled cheese.
ANN Yes I see, tricky even for the Bard of Avon. Perhaps we need to go back to the
beginning…
Fade to Blackout then LFX Blue
35
VOC The FEATS home for resting actors unfortunately presents, during a black-out just to
annoy the adjudicator, The “Real Mc FEATS” or “Dr Who though this was a good idea?”.
The scene Rotterdam, 30 years ago, 1976 in a land that taste forgot,
SFX Dr Who theme music
40
VOC
… Strange dark forces of Seagulls
All cast make sinister squawking noises, SEAGULL flaps vigorously
VOC
… and Daleks
45
ALL CAST “Exterminate” Exterminate” and Dalek SFX
50
VOC …. are planning to burst onto the international, Anglophone stage from their evil lair
deep within the bowels of, centre stage. Mike Davros / Stavos the evil leader of this rubber
band of Greek kebab selling adjudicators is plotting his plans for world domination to fit
around the England team’s world cup match schedule. The dastardly if well dressed villain
with well polished shoes hatches his schemes (all within the allotted time period) and with
plenty of time for tea breaks.
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SCENE 1
Seagull and Dalek lair
Enter Dalek from SL pushed by EVIL MIKE, SEAGULL, MAN WITH TIM FOIL ON HEAD.
5
SFX Unlimited Rice Pudding
DAVROS / STAVOS / MIKE THE ADJUCATOR = (EVIL) MIKE Well my guild of
adjudicators let us exterminate good taste and non flared jeans as we plan our thirty year
long campaign for my Fiendish Earth Attack for Total Supremacy or ‘FEATS’
10
(evil laughter SFX stop before Tom Baker speaks ).
15
DALEK
Evil Mike O master adjudicator our plans are nearly complete, with our
FEATS-o-matic time machine / TARDIS / wormhole / portkey we are ready in any sci-fi
milleu to travel anywhere in time and space (as long as it is Whitsun holiday in Northern
Europe) to spread avant garde confusion to theatre audiences.
MAN WITH TIN FOIL Yes O master you are so evil you couldn’t even be bothered to give me
a proper costume or many lines later on.
20
ALL
Squawk, squawk squawk.
SEAGULL
(annoyed) That’s my line.
25
EVIL MIKE
What is that you say my fine feathered hench seagull. Well at least you make
more sense than the dialogue in Roy. What’s that, you say? We must kidnap Will
Shakespeare so we can then teach him badly in school to put kids off the bard for life and
then force every one to watch theatre of the absurd instead and die of confusion.
30
SEAGULL
Squawk, squawk squawk.
EVIL MIKE
But first you say we must exterminate the doctor?
MAN WITH TIN FOIL Doctor Who?
35
MIKE Exactly my henchman covered in tin foil.. And we must not forget his side kick the
beautiful Billie Piper and their helper Dr Spock.
MAN WITH TIN FOIL
I’ didn’t know the Doctor was pregnant?
40
SEAGULL
Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk.
MIKE What’s that my feathered compadre? Are you saying that we must be careful to first
alert the Doctor of our plans so he can thwart them at the last minute? Hmm I see.
45
SEAGULL
50
Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk.
MIKE And what’s that? You spotted someone like him loitering in a seedy café by the Black
Sea. I see. What. So you crapped my special locator guano on his head. Well done my
disgusting lighter than air spy. Quick leap into the wormhole Tardis thingy before he can
wash it off.
VOC Audience participation in the sound effects is encouraged.
55
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
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MIKE, TIN HENCH leap behind TARDIS, DR WHO, BILLY PIPER & DR SPOCK jump out
from behind the Tardis.
5
DALEK
Oh bugger I don’t do leaping. Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate
DOCTOR WHO
10
Anyone like a jelly baby, Dr Spock?
DR SPOCK That’s not logical Doctor I’m a woman and in the wrong sci-fi series, but
Doctor Who;
DR WHO
Doctor Spock
DR SPOCK
Yes
DR WHO
What
15
DR SPOCK No Who
20
DR WHO
Where
DR SPOCK
Who, There?
DR WHO
Dr Who Here?
DR SPOCK
Dr You there.
DR WHO
Who, Me
DR SPOCK
Yes
DALEK
The next Doctor to make a Who joke will be exterminated
DR WHO
Roger Daltry
DALEK
Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate
25
30
35
DR SPOCK That’s logical. Makes beep. Flips open communicator, What’s that Captain
Kirk. (pause) William Shakespeare’s been kidnapped, Doctor we must do something.
40
45
DR WHO
Why? (to Billie) A Jelly baby for my perhaps too young assistant?
DR SPOCK
There was an accident in the TARDIS she’s actually 105 years old
DOCTOR WHO
Never-mind, did you see that bastard seagull? When I find him I’m
going to undo his neck with my sonic screwdriver. Why do you think my hat is white. If you
see that bird kill it! I hate Chekov! (exit)
Sonic Screwdriver SFX Seagull dies
50
VOC
Our heroes travel to Yalta because they are trying to get to Rome.
SFX Tardis whilst LFX to blue
55
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SCENE 2
Yalta Game
Yalta Game brass band music
5
DIMTRI
Can you hear that? Makes you want to charge out of the theatre with all the
bad jokes. Here am I in a wet weekend in Bray, waiting for the Dun Laighoire (pronounced
Leary) ferry.
ANNA Well those Daleks have to take the Theodossia car ferry they can’t fly.
10
DALEK wheels around on spot,
DALEK
Exterminate, exterminate, Oh bugger I can’t swim, I knew I should have asked
those Sea Devils for a lift.
15
DIMTRI
Never mind we can wait, and speed drink an imaginary cup of coffee with too
much pretend sugar.
20
ANNA You spend most of the time slowly talking to yourself whilst I’m polishing the chair
waiting to be plucked. (pause) No I said plucked.
DIMTRI
(Shouting) Sorry I can’t hear you over the waterfall. (normal voice) But its OK,
with a time machine we can now take as long as we like which should please even the most
evil of adjudicators. Somersault anyone?
25
ANNA Strange man, I wouldn’t trust him further then he can carry me, which is about 10
metres up-stage to the wobbly table.
30
DIMTRI
Holiday.
That’s right we are 30 miles south of the nearest shop that is open on a Public
ANNA Oh Dimtri I have to go and iron the fringe around the rostrum and that smoke, it gets
into my eyes and that’s just in the wings. I need an operation.
35
DIMTRI
Damn I haven’t got enough money to follow on the train to Rome, I’ll have to
get off in Paris via Amsterdam. Look out! Damn too late! The steam train seems to have hit
that seagull which is upstaging every one centre stage.
Seagull dies messily
40
DR WHO
for dinner.
Scrape up that seagull Spock. Come on I haven’t got all day I want road kill
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
45
VOC And so to Paris, unfortunately there isn’t a set as we were too mean, and also we
blew the budget on a fancy dressing gown and white gloves.
50
SCENE 3
55
HARPAGON Oh dear I seem to have fallen in love with Marianne the daughter of my
neighbour (well it is Molière the women are always called Marianne) and I have a Dalek as a
rival in love, mainly because we can’t get the damn thing off stage. But that’s OK this is an
irrelevant production.
The Miser
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DALEK
Exterminate, no kiss, Exterminate, no kiss. Exterminate, no kiss. Oh bugger
Valere is miming digging a hole on stage. Not a hole. Cannot levitate, Cannot levitate.
Cannot levitate.
5
HARPAGON So what do you say my shiny star wonderful steward in your white gloves.
10
VALERE
Harpagon, do you need money to repair your dressing gown its covered in
patches. But we eat to live not live to eat don’t you agree, Jacques the tartan, tap dancing
cook.
JACQUES
Sorry who are you again, you’re not in my program.
VALERE
Now be nice you can’t upset me mummy.
15
20
DR SPOCK
That’s not logical Captain, Jacques isn’t his mummy.
DR WHO
She will be, they have an accident with a condom in a time machine.
DALEK
Pieces of Eight! Bring me your pieces of eight! The Daleks will have money.
Money Money! Your money or your life.
HARPAGON
25
Can I think about that? (points to Valere) Will his life do?
VALERE I shall hide in my mime hole.
ALL make Bird noises and mime looking out to sea
DR WHO
Why do seagulls suddenly appear bearing red roses, I hate that seagull.
VALERE
The seagull has been buried in the garden in the money box
30
Seagull dies
35
HARPAGON
Well death doesn’t always come on schedule (pause), like British Rail.
Steward fetch me some chairs.
DR SPOCK That’s not logical, you don’t have a set.
40
VALERE
Well any disguise will do, its a hotch potch of costumes.
JACQUES And I suppose with acting that ham, we don’t need a full breakfast, which is just
as well, if you are staying in the Herckmans hotel.
45
HARPAGON
see me.
Give me a stick you moron, is that a truncheon or are you just pleased to
Fake fight using fingers as swords, light sabres fake karate & shoulder charges. SEAGULL
Flaps noisily.
50
VALERE
DALEK
The hench Seagull isn’t dead he is just pining for the fjords.
Impersonate! Impersonate! Impersonate!
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EVIL MIKE No wait my hench recycling bin, you can’t kill the seagull he is your long lost
brother. Quick we must flee before Marianne decides to kiss you whilst waving her leg in the
air.
5
DALEK Yes master I shall transport to the black hole in the middle of a elegant set in the
Hague on the outskirts of Berlin
VOC
10
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
SCENE 4
15
Finally a proper set, not Valhalla, but better than nothing.
Anastasia
EMPRESS
(bad Russian accent) I must tell the staff to use more colour in the decor and
more power on the chandeliers.
DR SPOCK
(Scottish accent) But the Captain the lights they just can’t take the power.
And anyway madam you can’t use colour you are White Russians.
20
ANASTASIA Great rooms ablaze ...
EMPRESS With light
25
ANASTASIA No just ablaze, those Daleks get so enthusiastic in the audience.
DALEK Participate, Participate, Participate
30
ANASTASIA Release the Romanovs from those Roving, Wretched, Rascally, Rapscallion,
Rhapsodic, Red Russians
EMPRESS
Why do you lisp so?
ANASTASIA You will ask me difficult questions Grand Mummy.
35
EMPRESS
Why do people eat ‘KA CASE’? (REM the author apologises for the semi
phonetic spelling)
40
DALEK
Where did you learn to eat boiled cheese and call the Daleks Grand Mummy.
Masticate, Masticate, Masticate
EMPRESS Oh the horror, the cruelty the emptiness, Ettelbruck on a weekday night (she
coughs).
45
ANASTASIA Have you seen a doctor?
DOCTORS SPOCK & WHO (together)
EMPRESS
It’s probably bird flu.
SEAGULL
Squawk, Squawk, squawk.
50
Seagull dies
You call?
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EMPRESS
To be an actress is to be a princess, but not necessarily a good one. I will
leave you as I’m used to a shorter running time.
ANASTASIA You keep saying you are leaving but you never do.
5
EMPRESS Shhh, I’m trying to string out the time.
EMPRESS If you had any decency you would end these bad jokes.
10
ANATASIA
How can we link seamlessly to the next scene.
EMPRESS
"I will tell them that the play is over, now go home
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
15
20
VOC
at his lair.
Whilst the Seagull checks out his medical insurance, Mike re groups back
SCENE 5
FEATS lair
EVIL MIKE
good or bad.
Well my evil hench audience my job isn’t to tell you whether the play is
25
ALL
30
EVIL MIKE
Sorry? Oops no sorry, I make no apologies. No my job is to look for a
deluge of drama and pick out the arty bollocks in my shiny shoes with a little theatre magic
like sawing a lady in half to make a Dalek. Light and shade, although this weekend mostly
shade. All the emotion must be conveyed.
Why the bloody hell not?
DR SPOCK
35
That’s not logical
SCENE 6 Charles in chav land
VOC Evil Mike Davros buggers off stage (VOC pushes them off with spear) , together with
everyone under the age of 17. With so much bleeping swearing, the bleep machine starts to
overheat, creating too much smoke innit.
40
FX Smoke
ROI Oh I say I am speaking so proper innit. Well I am Prince Charles innit.
45
MISS PIGGY And I’m Miss Piggy innit.
ROI Oh I say one doesn’t think the director meant that sort of muppet innit.
MISS PIGGY
Sorry I can’t hear I’m bleeding from both ears innit.
50
DALEK
Enunciate! Enunciate! Enunciate! Innit!
ROI I say ones Dalek is not perambulating innit.
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DALEK
I’m too posh to push innit. One Exterminates one! One Exterminates one! One
Exterminates one innit.
SEAGULL Squawk innit! Squawk innit! Squawk innit!
5
MIKE
What’s that my hench bird innit. You haven’t a clue what’s going on innit. No me
neither and I wrote it innit.
ROI I say ones bird is the weakest link goodbye innit.
10
Dramatic music (Brave heart track 6) as ROI chases seagull with the sword and kills it.
DR SPOCK That was illogical Doctor. I’m exhausted innit.
15
DR WHO Time Lords don’t do chav. Quick down that rabbit hole.
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
VOC Meanwhile Will Shakespeare has turned his hand to writing tragedy
20
WILL
It no good in order to come up with a decent comedy, I need much more drugs
and definitely counselling.
25
VOC For no apparent reason other than it is in the script, our hero approaches the border of
Setttelbruck.
Scene 7
30
Alice in Settelbruck
IMMIGRATION OFFICER & JUDGE
Settelbruck Immigration, welcome to our small
but rich town. No skateboards, roller-blading or Daleks
SFX “Not good, nothing about that was good”
35
DALEK
O bugger! So much for world domination, and the only thing we wanted was
cheap wine, good food & Swedish films.
FX Smoke
40
ALICE
What was that.
OFFICER The noise of a steam train. Its picture will be along in a minute.
45
ANNOUNCER
Ding dong! The shuttle bus for Diekirch has been sold to the
Belgians as a tax shelter. The shuttle bus for Bourscheid has wheels and is therefore
banned from Ettelbruck. The shuttle bus for Eperldange has been entered for the Tour of
Luxembourg. Ding Dong.
DALEK
Cyclists, Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate.
50
ALICE
One mans cyclist is another mans biker whose engine fell off. I must seek out the
lunatic fringe.
VOC
55
Well you’re in the right place then.
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That’s logical
DR SPOCK
WOMAN wanders in from audience slowly crosses the stage wonders around
WOMAN Sorry wrong room! (leaves)
5
That’s illogical
DR SPOCK
OFFICER The Court will decide what is possible or impossible not the laws of physics.
10
DALEK spins in place
DR SPOCK
15
What is he doing.
DR WHO I think the person inside the Dalek is randomly pulling the levers of government,
or perhaps it slipped on some seagull infested custard.
OFFICER Off with his head! I hereby sentence that bird to die badly again!
Seagull escapes
20
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
DR WHO Spock quickly after the Seagull, it is escaping by flying off to that castle over there
(leaps behind Tardis)
25
VOC Now a musical interlude.
LFX to blue. Braveheart CD track 6 continues very long scene change, lots of stupid activity
in dark (Note to cast you were all wonderful) When lights up nothing has changed on stage.
30
SCENE 8 Real Will Shakespeare
SFX Smoke
35
40
JESS
Storm create too loudly
NED
Let the breath go?
ALL Pant theatrically
JESS
BLINK
When shall we three meet again.
In the bar in about 45 minutes.
45
50
55
JESS
Fair enough.
NED
I want to play queens,
SHERRY We are in Luxembourg not New York, but I hear Mr Shakespeare’ play is very
pertinent to the recent mood of bad puns.
DALEK
Pertinent, Pertinent, Pertinent
JESS
William.
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BLINK
Yes Ann,
JESS
What’s a rhinoceros (pause), I’m sorry I mean a set?
5
NED bangs 2 toothpicks together. Very Loud knocking with echo comes from wings
NED Don’t knock the great knockers (leers)
10
SHERRY Let’s tell Macbeth in 5 minutes.
BLINK
15
Macbeth
NED
No lets kill the seagull instead, I can hear my sword rusting.
Seagull dies
BLINK
This is a tale told by an idiot
NED
Actually a cast of idiots
BLINK
Full of sound
20
Random Dr Who SFX
25
BLINK
And fury
ALL
Grrrr!
BLINK
Signifying nothing.
NED
Except you’ve had too much to drink.
JESS
Or not enough
30
35
40
45
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
SCENE 9
FEATS lair
MIKE
Well my dastardly wheelie bin cronies what do we think of those monstrous
puppets. The secret of good comedy is turning up and the secret of good cue bite is to eat
more Barm Cake.
VOC Before we are transported to a beer hall in Munich for German night to watch the
football and dance on tables until 4 in the morning, please sit down there at the back you
might spontaneously combust you’re a fire hazard.
DALEK
50
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
SCENE 10
55
I am sitting down
KEVIN
Kevin
Zip zip zip
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SEAGULL Squawk, squawk
MIKE
For once the damn hench bird doesn’t need translating.
5
10
JEANETTE
The idiot and the scarecrow.
DR SPOCK
Which doctor is which do you think?
KEVIN
Shepherd’s Bush, Tower Hill, Bethnal Green, Earl’s Court, Waterloo.
JEANETTE Mornington Crescent
ALL Round of applause O! Well done I say!
15
KEVIN
Shall we fill the Dalek fill of bricks and push him into the canal? After all we found
him outside Boots.
DALEK
I have wheels not boots.
20
JEANETTE I shall just throw my purse off the apron into the audience. Now who can tell
me what Conqueror means?
DALEK
Oh Oh (excited) I know this one. Please miss please!
25
JEANETTE Help I’m trapped by a table but I’m afraid that is a joke too far.
30
KEVIN
Surely not? O look! A floating Dalek, but Daleks don’t sweat.
DALEK
Oh yes they bloody do!
KEVIN
Ever thought of your head as an apple.
DALEK
Cardboard box actually
KEVIN
Words can make things disappear.
35
OFF STAGE VOICE
40
Jeanette exits
Jeanette exits
KEVIN
All sorts of feelings we should write them down.
DR SPOCK
Not necessarily
45
KEVIN
Have you got any battle books?
DALEK
(excited) Oh yes please! Humans you shall be glotting with fear (pause) and no I
don’t know what it means either
50
KEVIN
I shall stab the seagull with my glow in the dark safety scissors (pause). Well you
wouldn’t what someone to cut themselves now would you.
SEAGULL dies
55
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VOC Meanwhile Dr Who, returns from his little break where he was recording voice-overs for
Little Britain. Flushed with success he rejoins our next scene - O’Flaherty WC. The TARDIS
has been cunningly disguised as a watering can stage right, in a nice little rose garden set,
that is mercifully free of black boxes.
5
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
10
SCENE 11
O’Flaherty WC
GENERAL
No, No, Don’t get up to change my boots, O Flaherty WC.
O FLAHERTY If the General knew all the seagulls I snared on him, he’d exterminate me or
them..
15
DALEK
Exfoiliate, Exfoiliate, Exfoiliate.
SEAGULL (Happy that Dalek missed) Squawk, squawk, squawk
20
GENERAL (soothingly). Yes, yes: I know. I know. One does get fed up with the endless
seagull deaths.
SEAGULL
25
Squawk squawk, squawk Thud
GENERAL Oh I say how deuced unlucky that watering can fell on the seagull. But after all,
it’s for our king; and our own country, isn't it? Invade a small country anyone?
O'FLAHERTY. Well, sir, my mother would have taken the skin off my back if I'd ever let on to
have any other king than Elvis. She pray night and morning to St Patrick (who cleared the
snakes, seagulls and Daleks out of Ireland) to let England lose to Paraguay 3 nil.
30
SIR PEARCE But there aren’t any Daleks in Ireland
O’FLAHERTY Exactly!
35
40
DR WHO
Sorry I’m late, I got stuck in my scarf and then at the hairdressers for a perm.
Where is that pesky seagull.
ALL
In the comedy bin of desperate jokes.
DR SPOCK
Timing
DR WHO
What
DR SPOCK
Secret of good comedy.
DR WHO
What
DR SPOCK
No who
45
50
VOC
We interrupt this time loop ... we interrupt this ... we interrupt this... of a
previous joke due to a Tardis malfunction and shift gear to travel 4325 years back in time to
heartland America in the 1950s.
SFX Tardis, whilst LFX to blue
55
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SCENE 12
5
WASP
DAD
May your science teachers tongue be pieced in hell with a red hot poker. I’m
confident in my ignorance. A luxury item is something that annoys other people when you
have it.
BROTHER
Like a Dalek.
DAD
No, they just annoy other people by mass murder and conquest
10
DALEK SFX (eventually) whilst Dad storms off in a pretend tantrum due to my incompetence
“We are your friends”
15
20
DAD
I was 28 years old before I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but by then
it is a bit too old to be a Dalek; and as your mother is terrified of supermarkets we could
never buy the sink plunger for the spare parts.
MOTHER
Voices
ALL
Yes, it’s raining molten iron.
SISTER
I guess pretty pink ears don’t count for much.
DR SPOCK
That’s not logical.
25
SISTER
I’m a flame, I bring myself to un-suspecting seagulls. But really, I want to give
birth to Jesus.
MOTHER
But in Ettelbruck there is no room at the inn.
30
DR WHO
You could dive into the river but weighed down by Weatabix, clotted cream,
bacon fat & mango, you would drown.
DALEK
I know the feeling, never a passing Sea Devil when you need one.
35
DAD
My feelings can’t stand illumination under the strong light, so no worries there,
but I saw something flapping towards me with wings
SEAGULL
Squawk, squawk, squawk.
BROTHER
Where’s the dog.
40
MOTHER
Oh Yalta, she was eight plays and three days ago. Although she didn’t exist I
exterminated her anyway just to be sure.
45
SISTER
Come to think of it where’s the seagull gone? Mother! That cushion (actually
it was a lamb cuddly toy) is looking very plump.
MOTHER looks sheepish (REM should that be lambish?)
50
55
DAD
I would love to feel these emotions I have heard so much about them.
DR SPOCK
I wouldn’t.
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Page 16 of 17
SCENE 13
5
10
FEATS lair
MIKE
Well my Viking stooge how was that for entertainment and that was just my tricycle
ride. There are just four things one needs for acting, a pulse, an over developed ego, a good
memory and I forget the other.
SCENE 14
Fallopian Women
VOC
We move to a hot and dusty place for Fallopian Women
DALEK
It’s quite cramped in here.
VOC
I said dusty not dustbin
15
BARBARA
If you don’t stop messing around in that sand pit you won’t get any nookie for
the next month.
GEORGE
Oh Barbara
BARBARA
No George W I’m serious
ALL
Bang Squawk
GEORGE
Oh Dick you haven’t been out huntivating seagulls again!
DALEK
Huntivate, Huntivate, Huntivate
20
25
Seagull dies
30
35
40
SCENE 15
Dumb Waiter
VOC
That scene was really dumb, talking of which...
BEN
Gus
GUS
Ben
Very long pause both look at watches & each other, go and sit in the audience etc. Finally
Ben speaks again
BEN
One of us is a seagull
DALEK
Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate,
45
Both Ben & Gus die.
SCENE 16
50
Seagull lives and is so surprised that it flies into a wall & then dies.
Author’s voice
CARRIE
I’m the author’s voice and could now tell you the plot but then would have to
kill you afterwards
DALEK
Oh yes please.
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Page 17 of 17
CARRIE
And anyway if you are too mean to get a ticket for the last night you will just
have to watch in the bar without the volume. Or instead why don’t you write your own
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Hey that’s my job
5
VOC
So Will you finally escaped.
SFX Great Escape music (Missed cue – Sorry guys!)
10
WILL
Yes I wrote my own exit, but I have one final job, to write a moving and
hammed up final death scene for that seagull.
Seagull dies extravagantly and very lengthly to dramatic music Brave heart track 9
Dead Gus complains about the time it takes him to die.
15
SCENE 17
20
FEATS lair
MIKE
Well my evil doers by the magic of time travel I am able to give you tonight’s results
before I have seen all the plays.
SFX Daleks have won Curtain call
END
25
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