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SCENE 2
SOUND:
Rocky & Bullwinkle theme.
EDNA and CHAUNCY are hidden behind the newspapers they
are reading.
SPOTLIGHT:
Front, NARR.
NARR enters FRONT. He rubs his head with one hand and
carries SHERIFF’s pistol with the other.
NARR gives
the gun to the LIGHTING OPERATOR then cross to SL
podium and sits on his stool. He opens the script.
NARR: Our story opens in the not so peaceful town of Smithville, Texas…well
technically. As one of many “get rich quick” schemes, the Mayor of the
restless …burg now serving as Director of the Chamber of Commerce
has rented the town for the winter to the residents of Frostbite Falls,
Minnesota. For an extra fee she has included the naming rights.
BORIS enters FRONT in darkness crossing
standing with his back to the audience.
center
and
However inconvenient this may be for the local citizenry, on its face it is
harmless. But, like with so many faces it is covered in egg, bad egg, one
bad egg, the evil, notorious, self-professed no goodnick…Boris Badenov.
SPOTLIGHT: Swings to BORIS who turns with an evil smile.
LIGHTS: NARR special up.
BOSS: What’s with the booing? In homeland of Potsylvania I am a National
Hero.
NATASHA: (voice) More like a National Zero.
NARR: That voice belongs to none other than that most fem of all fatales,
Badenov’s comrade in cruelty, cohort in crime, his partner in perversity,
his….
BORIS: (to NARR) Shut-up-a-u-face!
NARR: Natasha Fatale!
SPOTLIGHT: Swings to FRONT NATASHA.
SOUND: The stripper.
NATASHA enters with a slinky walk and smiles toward
the audience.
BORIS: Hurry up, I’m in the dark over here.
NATASHA: What’s new poopsy cat.
SOUND: Out.
LIGHTS: Generals up.
BORIS: How do you like it, our little vacation?
NATASHA: Where?
BORIS: Here.
NATASHA: This is vacation spot?
BORIS: It is spot.
NATASHA: Boris…
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BORIS: Fearless Leader always sends us in search of fortune for Potsylvania.
NATASHA: True.
BORIS: Here is home of wealthy oil millionaire.
NATASHA: It is?
BORIS: We are in Texas, pard-neer.
NATASHA: True, little bud-EE.
BORIS: Watch it.
NATASHA: So?
BORIS: We snatch wealthy oil man.
NATASHA: And…
BORIS: We sell him back to town for handsome ransom.
NATASHA: Does fearless Leader know we are here?
BORIS: What he don’t know, don’t hurt me.
NATASHA: Do you have plan Dah-ling?
BORIS: Of course I have plan. I always have plan… they just never work.
NATASHA: Plans never work because of…
BORIS: Don’t say their names. It is jinx.
NATASHA: But they always show up.
BORIS: Is best part of plan. We are not in Frostbite Falls.
NARR: Pardon me.
BORIS: What-a-u-want?
NARR: Perhaps you should check the sign.
NARR points to city sign.
NATASHA: Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.
BORIS: Oh, boy.
NATASHA: Boris you are right.
BORIS: I am?
NATASHA: Your plans never work.
ELEVEN enters HALL and crosses to BORIS.
ELEVEN: Good Morning.
BORIS: (startled) What! I mean… Howdy.
ELEVEN: Are you two from Frostbite Falls. I’ve heard all about the relocation.
BORIS: We are from Pots…
NATASHA: Pennsylvania.
BORIS: (to NATASHA) Good one.
ELEVEN: I’m Eleven.
3
NATASHA: You look much older.
BORIS: (to NATASHA) We’re in Texas.
ELEVEN: Eleven is my name.
NATASHA: You’re right, we are in Texas.
ELEVEN: You are?
BORIS: Billy’s Bob. And she is… (pause)
NATASHA: And I am Billy’s … Barb.
ELEVEN: You have a last name?
NATASHA: Wire.
ELEVEN: Bob and Barb Wire. Pleased to know you.
BORIS: The pleasure is ours.
NATASHA: Do you a last name?
ELEVEN: No. (all smile) Can I help you find something?
NATASHA: Millionaire oil man.
ELEVEN: Don’t have one of those.
NATASHA: (to BORIS) Plan never works.
ELEVEN: We have a millionaire oil woman.
BORIS: Texas is so progressive. Can you tell us where we can catch her?
NATASHA: Find her.
ELEVEN: I sure can. (all smile)
BORIS: As they say in the oil business… well?
ELEVEN: You’re lookin’ at her.
NATASHA: You are millionaire oil woman?
ELEVEN: In the flesh.
BORIS: (to NATASHA) I love it when plan comes together.
ELEVEN: Why don’t you come on over the mansion and we’ll have us a set
down. It’s just at the end of Burleson Street.
BORIS: (trying to sound Texan) Hit’em up.
NATASHA: (sounding Texan) Mov’em over.
ELEVEN, BORIS and NATASHA exit HALL.
NARR: So does our story end before it gets started? Stay tuned for our next
episode: There’s a Mansion at the End of Burleson Street or The
Dachshund is a Long Little Doggie.
NARR exits.
ENDA and CHAUNCEY lower their newspapers.