HANDLEFUZZEN’S CRASH
by
Calvin C. Clawson
Copyright © 2009 by Calvin Clawson
All Rights Reserved
2025 Words, First Right
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HANDLEFUZZEN'S CRASH
I was between jumps and going boomers for I wanted to get
home before my Vina went into labor. I'd promised Vina I'd be
there and, besides, I wanted to experience the joy and exultation
of witnessing the birth of my first child. Well, I had put the
Hem-way down and cranked those two ion-pulsars to max in an
attempt to make up time when I came to the black hole. It was
just there between MAR-RIV-1002, an ordinary star on main
sequence, and my next jumping point. I should have seen it but I
was in too much of a hurry.
When I heard the Rollen-bleeper screaming shutdown, I
realized I was headed for the hole's singularity and closing fast
on its event horizon. I was about to be torn into a zillion
quarks when I spotted the wormhole right beside the singularity's
axis. With a leap from my seat I shoved the coaxial stabilizer to
the off position, causing my ship to jog right; I slipped into
the wormhole slick as a slippery Fargenwald. How lucky can you
get?
Of course, I had no idea where the wormhole went since both
it and the black hole were uncharted. Coming out the wormhole's
exit, I found myself and my little ship on a stone courtyard in
front of a primitive stone building. A nice looking man dressed
in a black robe knocked on my hatch. I opened up and quickly
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scanned his brain to absorb his cultural identity.
"Are you an angel?" he asked as he stared in at me.
"No, I don't think so. Where the hell am I, anyway?"
The man looked somewhat taken back by my question, yet
offered a forthright answer. "You're at the Vatican, of course.
Did you come to visit His Holiness?"
It was obvious I needed a bit more information, so I quickly
did a data scan on the surrounding buildings and inhabitants.
Their primitive computers and books held sufficient history to
orient me to my surroundings. I was visiting a place called Earth
which was still in Early Condition Seven, not having achieved
communication with the rest of the galaxy. The man in robes
thought I was some sort of deceased benevolent spirit come to
visit with his holy man. I decided I should clear the air.
I jumped down from the ship and held out my hand. "I'm
Suggismire Handlefuzzen of Bolo-magmuk. I've crash landed here by
mistake and would like to get on my way. If you could show me to
your top mechanic-type person, I'd be grateful. I do need to make
a few minor repairs and obtain some provisions."
The robed man carefully gripped my hand and gave a tentative
shake. "This Bolo-magmuk, is it in the Far East? Is it near
Rangoon?"
"No," I answered, "It's closer to the center than the east."
Something I said must have confused the poor man for he backed
away and waved me toward a door in the stone building. "Please,"
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he said, "you'll have to have an audience with His Holiness.
Right this way."
Mr. Robes led me inside and down tapestry covered high
ceiling halls where other men in robes wandered about. He stopped
before a large set of wooden doors and, opening one of the doors,
ushered me into a spacious hall with a dais and chair at the
other end. A man in white and gold robes and a tall pointed white
hat sat in the chair. Black Robes walked me to the dais and
introduced me. "This, Your Holiness, is Suggismire Handlefuzzen
of Bolo-magmuk, a country in the center of Asia." Mr. Black Robes
then bowed and backed away from Mr. White Robes.
Mr. White Robes was six feet tall and middle-aged with a
bald head and wrinkled skin about the neck. He was distinguished
looking with intelligent, strong eyes and a captivating smile.
He held out his hand to reveal a great ruby ring. I gripped his
hand, as I had just recently learned was the Earthly custom, and
gave it a hardy shake. "How's things, Mr. Holiness?"
Mr. Holiness removed his hand from mine and slowly pointed
toward a chair which had magically appeared on the dais next to
his. "Please, Mr. Handlefuzzen, have a seat. I'm very curious to
learn of this country you call Bolo-magmuk. Just where is
Bolo-magmuk?"
I sat on the chair and made myself comfortable by sticking
my left index finger into my right ear. "Well, Mr. Top Guy, to
tell the truth, your friend got it mixed up. I'm not really from
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earth at all. In fact, I'm from another part of the galaxy. I'm
from a section we call the Great Foggenfulen. My old-home planet
was gassed by its sun going off main sequence, but my birth
planet is Bolo-magmuk."
I stopped speaking because, reading his mind, I realized he
was having trouble following me. He cocked his head to one side
as he surveyed my costume. "Are you an angel?" he asked, his
eyebrows arching slightly.
I laughed. "Of course not; I'm just like you except
different. I come from a place much closer to the center of the
galaxy. Do you understand? I'm a space-traveler and I've crashlanded on your planet."
He looked into my eyes and smiled. "I think you must be
pulling my leg, as we say, for, though you do look different than
most men, you are certainly from earth if you are not an angel.
Your visit here must be some kind of joke. Although we no longer
believe the earth is the center of the universe, indeed, we know
all about the galaxy and quasars and Einstein's theories." He
stopped speaking for a moment as he adjusted his white hat.
"Yet, given all that, God has placed man at the spiritual center
of creation. Space-travelers simply don't exist. Who put you up
to this charade?"
Suddenly, I became irritated. "Look, your Most Revered Big
Dude, I want to get home because my wife is having a baby and I
want to be there. Now, forget where I come from and just tell me
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where I can find what I need to make a few minor repairs on my
ship and I'll be on my way; all right? You must have a research
facility close by; someplace where I can obtain deuterium oxide."
White Robes smiled, but behind his grin I read a sinister
thought: he believed I was lying. "Deuterium oxide: heavy water.
You're suggesting this will make your toy space craft operative
again? Very clever, but totally unconvincing. To be quite frank
with you, Mr. Handlefuzzen, you have broken the law by crashing
that thing outside onto my courtyard. Now you tax my patience
with this fantasy about space travel. I believe the best action
is to let the guards take charge and turn you over to the
authorities. I'm sure they'll have many interesting questions for
you to answer."
White Robes was dismissing me! He was turning me over to his
security people who, in turn, would relinquish me to brutish
jailers. I had to do something fast. I looked into the deep
corners of his brain for some little thing--anything I could use.
"Your Most Holy Hoggwashingness, when you were a young man you
accidentally walked into a bathroom and saw your young, beautiful
cousin naked to the waist. Immediately, you grew excited.
Stammering an apology you left; yet already having made the
decision to enter the priesthood, you were overcome with guilt
for your state of hardness. You ran to the Church confessional
and cried to the priest for forgiveness. Do you remember what he
said?"
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He stared at me as if I'd driven a Waxenboden into his
heart. "It didn't happen. You heard a rumor and decided to repeat
it in an attempt to stall for time."
I leaned closer to him and lowered my voice. "The priest
asked you how big your cousin's breasts were. He asked you to
describe them; he asked you to describe the exact shape of her
nipples. Do you remember? You were terrified and shaken by his
questions, yet you were sexually stimulated, too. Do you
remember?"
He continued to look at me as wrinkles covered his forehead
and a single bead of sweat rolled down his neck to disappear
beneath his starched collar. "I'd forgotten," he whispered,
speaking more to himself than to me. Fixing his gaze on me he
declared, "You really are an angel--or a devil!"
"I'm neither. I'm just a space traveler trying to get home.
Now, if you'll be so kind as to direct me to where I can get what
I need..."
He shook his head. "I can't. If you were an angelic spirit,
you would have already revealed yourself, for such a being cannot
hide behind a lie. Therefore, you must be a demon. What is your
purpose here? Are you here to test my faith?"
"I'm telling you, Your Most Retched Logicalness, I just want
to get home to see my daughter born. I've got over fifteen
thousand light years to go."
Suddenly, White Robes sat straight in his chair and angrily
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grimaced. "You think we're idiots? You think we only study Holy
Scriptures? We know all about the universe and the size of the
galaxy and the theory of relativity. You can't travel faster than
light. No one can. God created the universe, during what the
secular world calls the Big Bang, and His laws have ruled the
universe ever since. These God-given laws include the speed of
light."
My irritation grew. What was I doing on this third-rate
planet arguing the laws of physics with this primitive. "Look,
Most Unworthy Evolutionoid, we can discuss relativity all day but
I want to get going. Just direct me to..."
He stood and shouted toward a door behind me. "Guards!
Guards!"
I couldn't get through to this guy. He'd need more of my
rememberings. "Your Most Fastidious Repressionist, when you were
only nine years old, a teenage bully from down the street caught
you one afternoon behind the brick yard. He pulled down your
pants and..."
"Enough!" he screamed as he placed his arm over his eyes.
"Enough, Satan; go from me, be gone! I command you, in the name
of Most Holy God, be gone!"
Without warning, strong arms grabbed me from behind; and
then, before I knew what was happening, two ugly men in colorful
costumes dragged me from the room. As they shut the door to his
Most Mistaken Host, I heard him yelling warnings to his servants:
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"Do not hear his words, he is the devil. Close your ears to the
assault from his tongue."
They dragged me down many flights of cold stone steps to
underground catacombs. There, they threw me into a dungeon of
rock with nothing but dirty straw on the icy floor. That was it!
I'd been locked up by His Holy Fruitcake because the man thought
I was an evil spirit.
If my daughter was born and is alive, she would be a young
woman now. I miss her. I miss never having known her, and it
makes me yearn for her more. At first His Most Diligent
Dungeonier left me alone, but soon he appeared at my cell each
day to interrogate me. His requests are always the same: I must
describe one of his childhood stumbles into sexuality. He grows
excited, blushes and leaves to confess his sins to his god. If I
refuse his game, the guards do not bring my food.
I have discovered I am not alone in my imprisonment. Down
here there are many cells and many beings. The wormhole must have
been in place for a long time to capture so many travelers,
bringing each to the Vatican's courtyard. In the cell next to me
is Galmetious Huminaten from the planet Zeep. He is good company.
During the long cold days and nights we discuss the implications
of a finite, unbounded universe in space-time with and without
singularities in the time dimension. Next to him is...
END
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