Information from Chris Cockerham/Western Wake
THE TWO MINUTE TITANIC
(Titanic theme music begins...)
Narrator : Over the past year over 40 million Americans have been touched by the movie Titanic in places they did
not know existed. Winning numerous Oscar awards, this epic film about a sinking cruise ship has had only one
major critique: it is simply 3 hours too long. Knowing that this is the reason the remaining 7 people in America who
have not seen the movie will not go, we in wYLd life have decided to create our own version of the Titanic cutting
out the fluff and leaving in only the important scenes. It is now with great joy that we present for you, the “Two
Minute Titanic” starring Saturday Night Live’s Mary Katherine Gallagher as Rose.
(Titanic theme music fades to soft)
(spotlight on Mary Katherine Gallagher standing on a chair behind leaning table)
Rose: (begin by sniffing fingers...be overdramatic) They say the Titanic was a ship of
dreams. But for me...it was a slave ship.....I don’t know why. This is a very big
ship. And this (holding necklace) is a very big necklace.
(Jack makes sure lights go up and then enters carrying briefcase w/drawings in
them...walks in front of Rose)
Rose: Hey you! What are you doing up here! (jumps down and runs around table to go
face to face w/Jack) YOU are just a 3rd class passenger!!!
Jack: Why you are acting rude!
Rose: No I’m not you are!
Jack : Your ruder!
Rose: Nuh uh, you are more ruder! Anyway (as if to change gears...snatches briefcase
from Jack and grabs out pictures...looking at them) Oh Jack, these are good! .....These
are very good!!! (Turns and holds picture toward audience...it is a smileface).
Jack: Why thank you very much.
Rose: And this (turns a picture toward audience of a one legged stick man) Who is this?
Jack: Why that is a one legged stick man I met in Paris.
(VOICE MUSIC PLAYS...JACK SNAPS HEAD AS IF JUST REALIZED ROSE IS THE
WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS)
Jack: Rose, drop those and come quickly. (Grabs her hand and leads her on other side
of leaning table....tries to pick her up and can’t ...stretches her arms out and yells... ) I’m
the king of the world.
(Jack and Rose both pretend to spit loogies)
(As they spit...the shipman enters from the side with a bell ringing and yells in an English
accent...)
Shipman: Iceberg straight ahead! (then scrambles out of room)
(Iceberg ...someone w/sheet on and two glasses of ice water runs in and splashes both
Jack and Rose in face and runs off ....sound effect will play also. Jack and Rose fall and
get back up...)
Rose: (continuing as if nothing happened...) Jack, I want you to draw me like one of
your stick people.
Jack: Okay
Rose: But I want you to draw me wearing this. (grabs the mic. stand)
Jack: Okay
Rose: And this and this, but only this. (grabs his hat, briefcase...whatever)
Jack: Alright already!
(Shipman runs in carrying blow up dummy and gumby and yells...)
Shipman: For God’s sake you’ve got to hurry, there isn’t much more room in the
lifeboats!
Jack: Sweet mother!
Shipman: Bring her too! But get to the main deck and please put on your floaties!
(runs out)
(Jack hands mary 2 floaties and put ring on himself...she puts them on and grabs him to
start to run....he stops her)
Jack: Rose wait! I forgot to be accused of stealing your necklace.
Rose: Okay! (takes necklace off and puts it on his neck then handcuffs him..) Now I’m
supposed to cut those off. (swings axe and hits table ...Jack spins screaming and
throws fake hand)...
Jack: Owww! Winning this ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me Rose!
Okay...come on (Jack leads Rose in funny run in front of table...stops and pulls out oven
rack from behind table...holds it up like bars...they both scream)...
Oh were trapped!!! (leads her running funny around table from other side and pulls up
same rack) Trapped again!!!
Rose: Jack, the ship is about to go under....hold me Jack!
(They run behind table....)
Jack: Rose, hold on tight...it will suck you under as it sinks (then he pushes her over
table...Rose takes table down and does somersalt fall...as Rose falls Jack picks back up
table and puts it upright...then goes to one end on knees...Rose dives on and holds his
hand like last scene in movie)
Jack: Rose, I’m so cccold!
Rose: (as if she doesn’t care) You think you’re cold!
Jack: Rrrose. (shivering)
Rose: Spit it out Jack!
Jack: Never let go! If you’re hurt stay down! and all that stuff...
Rose: I will Jack (and then kicks him off)
(Jack swirles as if drowning and then dies...Rose falls asleep)
(Shipman enters with penlight)
Shipman: Is anyone out there? Can anyone hear me?
Narrator : Over here!
Shipman: I said is anyone out there? Is anyone alive?
Narrator: I said over here!
Shipman: We must be too late! They’re all dead!
(Rose blows her whistle faintly)
Shipman: Oh, there you are...(simply helps Rose off table and then hurries out)
Rose: I think that my feelings right now can best be summed up in the hit song My
Love Will Go On by Celine Dion.
(Music starts and Rose does dance and crashes into collapsing chair for finale.)
Love boat music and lights out after she crashes.