The Mafia Gazette Nov30 Issue 124
Started by: tiggy on: Nov 30, '03
************************************
NEWSBRIEFS FOR NOVEMBER 20, 2003
By: Kiera McLachlan
************************************
FAMILY RISES AND FALLS AGAIN
Earlier in a startling attack, Ellis, a new leader but a familiar name in our cities was gunned down as he
slept after a hard day of getting his headquarters in order and taking care of rogue shooters in his family.
Recent information coming to light points at a surprising motive behind the killing, but until the police
have released the information, we’ll keep you posted as we’re given permission to do so.
************************************
ANOTHER DEATH IN CHICAGO
Another sad death came to light as LittleMonster, a fresh face in Chicago, was killed in her sleep as well.
She’d recently come up in the ranks and looked to be a promising young face. Her family scattered to the
other cities, and as of yet her progeny have not been seen in the streets.
************************************
THE LIVING DEAD?
OneVeryDeadZombie earlier announced the opening of The Crypt in New York. Authorized by
dmndirtyapes, OVDZ has started up a headquarters in the Big Apple. We look forward to seeing what he’s
made of, or at least, what his plans are for the Big Apple.
************************************
TADAA, IN LA
In a surprising turn of events, Acting leader of LA Thrice has authorized a relatively unknown woman as a
crewleader in LA. Ms. Angelica Martini has been authorized to start up a crew in Los Angeles. Without
any real information on this woman, we will be watching this young lady to see what she does with the
honor and responsibility of starting up her crew.
************************************
HUGH OPENS HIS MANSION
Magazine Mogul Hugh Hefner announced this week that he was actively searching for new playboy
bunnies as well as mates to keep them busy. Positions have been announced for bunnies, as well as towel
boys, oil boys, and pool assistants to keep the ladies busy. For more information please send mail to
HughHefner as well as a picture for further interviews.
************************************
ALL TIME KILLER DEBATE
Recently a discussion was started on the killers in our fair cities. The big killers of the community were
listed for discussion, among them the big names. BrianArao, as well as premier, RumbleFish, HollowPoint
and Echoes. Though seemingly idle discussion, this debate brought forth interesting points on “what makes
someone a known hitter”.
************************************
***************************
SAFEHOUSES NOT SO SAFE
By: Mother
***************************
Safehouses set up to house those left homeless following the violent death of a crewleader are under threat.
People will be left homeless and vulnerable without these safehouses, yet they are seen as a threat and
removed.
People are being killed off because the ruling leaders see safehouses as a threat. Too many new crewleaders
that set up a headquarters to house the remnants of a crew following a boss’s death are being killed without
question. People are killed for want of a safe place to stay, gunned down as they search the cities for a boss
to take them into the family. Safehouses are a place that people can live until such times as the new boss
can be authorized to stay as a crewleader or disband and release their members to the existing families.
Following the death of Michelangelo_Giaquinto, a member of his crew, a Made Man named Rourke, set up
a safehouse to home the members of the crew that he could, that had been left destitute following the death
of their beloved boss. Five minutes after purchasing a headquarters and inviting the homeless to join him,
he was brutally gunned down by Ellis, who looked on him as a rogue.
Rourke planned to send a message to the bosses when the desperate need for his former crewmates to find a
home was settled. He saw the need to salvage as many lives as possible as more important at that precise
moment than protocol which could mean that many of the crew died before the bosses consented to his
setting up a safehouse in the interim and being authed to do so. His intention to message and request that
his crew be allowed to survive was never sent, as he died just prior to being able to convey his intentions.
Before being killed, Rourke received no word from Ellis concerning his crew, no request for an explanation
of why he had set up, no request to disband, just a bullet that ended his short career as a crewleader.
We are left with the situation that too few people survive the death of their boss for want of a crewleader,
and many died following this incident as the unsponsored are still major targets for many. Questions cannot
be asked of Ellis, as he has since been killed.
We will be following this story with considerable interest, and will hope to interview a selection of
crewleaders for their views on this issue, which we will bring you in future editions of the Gazette. If you
have any views on this subject, please write in to Mother at the Mafia Gazette Office. All letters will be
printed.
****************************
MARTINI A FLOP WITH SOME
****************************
It seems that Cacciatore has been reincarnated yet again and is raising hell in the streets calling new leader,
Angelica Martini, out and demanding that she close her doors citing that she doesn’t deserve a chance to
run a family as she hasn’t “done anything” to deserve it. Countless rants from Mr. Cacciatore in regards to
the worthiness of Ms. Martini are being spouted everywhere, some are calling it litter and some are backing
him up. Seeming to share the same opinion are Richard TeQ, The Man From Prem, and many others.
Earlier this morning The Man From Prem challenged Ms. Martini to a duel in the streets. In a public
statement from Ms. Martini she stated “You’re not worth the hassle, besides, talk about living off an old
name, at the moment you're a thug and tomorrow you'll be a very threatening gangster. Why would I bother
killing you when somebody else will save me the job, ever wondered why you can’t make it past goomba?”
She continued on as if to wave this off as yet another unimportant ramble from a meaningless thug.
Throughout the day on the streets and IRC Avenue comments in regards to Ms. Martini’s leadership can be
heard. Many are calling her ignorant and self righteous while others are respectable and worth of her role.
The Gazette contacted Ms. Martini to get a comment in regards to the uproar her leadership has caused in
the streets and in an impromptu interview with Ms. Martini she said, “what can I say? I'm being threatened
by a thug who is mad at me for apparently using my former name... yet Thrice and I never had a friendship
before this...” When asked what her views were on in regards to rumoured nepotism being the reason she
was charged with the honour of raising her own family she said, “friendship or previous name or something
like that. Yet I just joined Thrice a few days ago after I've been moving around from crew to crew.” Ms.
Martini made it clear that before she was granted her family that she had no prior relationship with
THRICE that would have influenced his decision and that she received his blessing based upon her merits
as a leader.
When asked about her lack of public presence Ms. Martini explained that her dealings with people in the
cities were mainly held behind the closed doors of Mob Mail and IRC Avenue. Expressing her strong
feelings that the streets were full of mindless babble not worthy of being there showing a lack of desire to
change things for the better in this regard and explaining that she only speaks up if she feels that it is an
important enough issue and bases her dealings from IRC Avenue rather than Main Street. When our
reporter commented on times before IRC Avenue opening its doors and the world we live in being centered
on Main Street Ms. Martini grew silent and did not comment. She left without a word to our reporter.
******************
THE HISTORY FILE
By: Mother
******************
Following a request on the streets for more information in the History File concerning the December War,
we have searched the archives for information. This article came to light and we are pleased to be able to
bring it to you.
If there is an article that you would like to see republished in the History File, please send your request to
Mother.
The Mafia Gazette Peace Talks Special
Started by: TallulahPEACE AGREEMENT BROKERED
As of 09:00 Mafia time today an agreement was drawn up between Mod and MorbidAngel to promote
peace. The agreement stated that both Mod and MorbidAngel’s crews would deal peaceably with each
other with neither side trying to kill the other. Should any of the crewmembers of either family ignore this
truce, they will be dealt with by their own crew boss following discussion between the bosses and
investigation. The talks were entered into after a misunderstanding meant that MorbidAngel was under the
impression that a threat had been made by Mod, where no threat existed. This was resolved very quickly
following the start of the talks with both parties being polite and civil, answering each others questions and
very quickly agreeing to peace.
MorbidAngel has also apparently reached the above agreement with MasterSR and tried to discuss peace
with Toaster-Strudel to try and save both families. The fight was deemed to be between Toaster-Strudel and
MorbidAngel and neither family should intervene. Toaster-Strudel agreed to the terms set out and agreed to
by both parties but then contradicted himself shortly thereafter.
Toaster-Strudel was asked by MorbidAngel to drop his crew and sell his headquarters after Toaster-Strudel
admitted that he was not bothered about his own life. As a crew boss, his first thought should be to his
family and keeping them alive and together. If he was not bothered about dying, his family should have
been freed by the man who was not bothered about living to lead them. He then agreed to these terms, that
he would drop his crew and sell up his headquarters as he was too busy to run his crew, and also was seen
as some as an unfit leader as he would not put his family first and was disrespectful to his peers.
These terms were not met, and in fact they were flouted by Toaster-Strudel, who changed his mind about
the agreement. He obviously did not inform his family of the agreement that he had made with
MorbidAngel, as none of them seem to know why Toaster-Strudel was killed. The deeper reason was to
protect his family from a man who was obviously not willing to honour the agreement he had made with
MorbidAngel in front of two independent witnesses.
The peace agreement that was made between MorbidAngel and Mod, and also the one that was made with
MasterSR and MorbidAngel are a step forward to peace. No one can stop the Underground from killing
whomever they choose, and no one can expect MorbidAngel’s crew to sit by idly while others kill them.
The Angels crew has orders not to fire on anyone, but anyone firing upon them will be brought to the
attention of their boss, and the other crew boss will be informed, as per the agreements with Mod and
MasterSR. The boss can then action the discipline themselves as per the agreement made this morning.
This also works if any of the Angels crew steps out of line. If either of the bosses that has already made an
agreement with MorbidAngel has any problem with any of his crew, he will be informed and deal out the
discipline himself, rather than others taking it on themselves to punish his own family.
Those that have not been approached by MorbidAngel, or have not approached him with the same offer can
expect the Angels not to fire upon them, but if fired upon, they will take a defensive action. MorbidAngel
has already stated that he wants peace and has ordered his crew not to fire upon anyone without
provocation. It is now up to those who choose to continue with the senseless killings to realise that any
more deaths at the hands of MorbidAngel will be self-defence for him and his family as they defend
themselves against the Underground and their supporters.
MorbidAngel is at the moment no threat to those who do not try to kill his family. However, if he is pushed
into war again by those who cannot accept this fact, he will not hesitate to take up the baton again. Those
who wish to keep waging a war on his family are endangering the whole community by their actions.
People are making an effort to keep their families safe and secure, perhaps others should respect those who
have made the decision to make peace with MorbidAngel and do likewise for the good of every living soul
in our 5 cities. Everyone is placed in danger if MorbidAngel is forced to tear up the peace agreement he has
already put in the streets.
*****************
MAFIOSO SPORTS
*****************
NEW YORK PURSE-SNATCHING MARATHON GONE WRONG
It all began innocently enough as the gun went off and several hundred Thugs headed through the winding
streets of the old fishing district of New York. They were led by two sub-15-minute guys who, along with
the lead horse, promptly disappeared out of sight of the chase pack. Dick was happily in third place, leading
a pack of one hundred Thugs running about 31- to 32-minute pace, with several hundred more Thugs
strung out behind.
Well into the Purse-Snatching Marathon, the chase group came to a confusing intersection with no course
markers. The lead Thugs were nowhere to be seen, so Dick—knowing the town quite well—led the huge
pack in the direction of what he thought was the finish line. Unfortunately, he took a detour, adding about
two minutes to their time. Far worse, however, he and the one hundred Thugs who followed him now were
heading toward the finish line from the wrong direction. And—you guessed it—the next contingent of
Thugs, plus everyone else behind them, had gone the correct way and was now heading toward the finish
from the right direction, but about to run into those errant souls who’d made the mistake of following Dick.
The top two guys finished the Marathon. After a minute or so, the race officials began to wonder why no
one else was showing up. Then, to their horror, they saw the second pack, led by Dick, approaching the
finish from the wrong direction! Thinking quickly, they turned the finish-line banner around. No sooner
had they done so, though, when the next pack of Thugs came into view running top speed in the other
direction.
Imagine, if you will, several hundred Thugs all sprinting at once toward the finish line from opposite
directions. It was, in Dick’s words, "like knights at a jousting match, crashing into each other and bodies
being tossed in every direction." Without a word, Dick escaped to sit on a nearby hillside and witness the
ensuing carnage.
****************
THE SMILE SHOP
By: Mother
****************
If you have any jokes you would like to see on these pages, please send them to Mother at the Mafia
Gazette offices.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Q- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king
who was a very important client. The client unexpectedly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is
quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she
tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I
want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room
mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in
France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York
and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes,
looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the
while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head,
looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Q- How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A- One-he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or Alternate answer - Three
- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
************************
TIGGY’S HOUSE OF PAIN
************************
Ok, it’s over finally. The turkey horror has become the pre-Christmas rush. To all of those who are all done
their shopping BITE ME!!! I haven’t even started. I will leave it until the last minute as always, spending
more than I should, and cringing at the bills in the New Year. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving,
I would say more, but well… I am truly uninspired to speak at the moment as I stare out my window and
see an inch and a half of frost on my lawn. Ohhhhhhhhh for the days of summer I pray.
Dear Ms Tiggy,
I have a dilemma. I've been looking for some loving, and can't seem to find any man to match up to me in
bed. Most of them will go for an hour, but when I tell them to keep going, they look at me funny and I
never hear from them again. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Seeking to love them long time
Dear Nympho,
I can sympathize with your dilemma, as it is very uncommon to find a man that can match a woman with
stamina exceeding that of a billy goat. Sadly the only advice I can offer is to invest in some… aids and
encourage the limp noodle to extend the length of quality time spent together by experimentation. Chances
are he’ll be ready and raring to go within minutes, if not, he’s probably a crap chef, won’t take out the
trash, scratches his crotch in public, and is generally not worth the time you spent looking at his arse. When
a guy says that they can “go for hours” they generally mean talk about how great they are for hours. Never
believe this testimony.
Sincerely,
Tiggy
~~~**~~~
Dear Tiggy,
I Am having trouble with my gun, what do you think i should do?
~Spart
Dear Spart,
Well, first thing I would suggest is that it is clean and well oiled. Make sure that all chambers are smooth
and without clutter. If all else fails, take it to an expert for a detailed going over. Love your gun, feel it with
your own hands. A gun that doesn’t know it’s owner won’t go off when the time is right and has a tendency
to fire prematurely.
Sincerely,
Tiggy
~~~**~~~
Dear Tiggy,
My boyfriend never takes a bath. I really like him but he stinks. I asked him to wash up but he wont listen
to me. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Sandra
Dear Sandra,
Give him a smell. Stop bathing and let him see what it's like to be with a real stinker. For extra effect don't
shave your legs or armpits either. If that doesn't work. Leave him.
Sincerely,
Tiggy
~~~**~~~
Dear Tiggy,
How long do sperm survive after ejaculation?
With Love,
Lonely
Dear Loner,
Assuming you are by yourself, not long enough.
Sincerely,
Tiggy
~~~**~~~
Dear Tiggy,
I was wondering if U could help me understand my friend who is sooo desperate. She never stops talking
about how guys R lookin' @ her, and it's not true. And she always says that she'd go far with Ne guy who
asked, no matter how nasty.
From,
Me
Dear You,
Your friend is looking for attention. She may be jealous of you. Warn your friend guys are waiting to prey
on girls like her. It may seem like a game but life gets very dangerous for those that are not cautious. As
long as she only talks no harm will come but don't let her start to believe herself. As for helping you
understand her, no. It is impossible to understand what is in the mind of another and in some cases there is
nothing in the mind to start with.
Sincerely,
Tiggy
*******************
READERS’ CORNER
*******************
This story was submitted to the Gazette and as we do from time to time print fictional pieces we decided in
light of the past couple week’s doom and gloom that we would share this work with you. Thank you BoM
for submitting it. If you would like to submit a story please feel free to send it to tiggy.
************************************
THE LEGEND AND HIS PET RACCOON
Submitted by: BoMFM
**To all of you who don’t like a little humor and are afraid to read: please leave now. Thanks.**
Ya know, they say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I never really took that statement
seriously…not until it happened…not until the infamous October evening in the year of 1923…that’s when
I met the man, the myth, the legend…Premeir…
I woke up just like I do any other day…first stare at the walls to see who’d attempted a drive by on my life
in the night, judging by the 10 to 15 Tommy gun bullet holes in a near perfect horizontal line across the
room adjacent from the window. Next I rolled over to see what lousy whore I had spent the evening with
(this time realizing it’s none other than that pesky Father_Pat again), grumbled something under my breath,
and crawled out of bed with a slight scratch here, slight scratch there…here a scratch, there a scratch
everywhere a scratch scratch on old McOtep’s unmentionable farm.
7:30 am. Damn. I had overslept my meeting at the Unicorn HQ…I was going to have to rush to make it in
time to catch the latest gossip about RoscoVerde and Billy_Bathtub’s steaming hot love affair (that Rosco
is a fox…*growl * lucky Billy)
Rushing my way through freshening up and finding suitable attire for the day, I shove my magnum into it’s
holster, toss a couple quarters Father_Pat’s way as a tip for his services, and head out the door to my sweet,
black Ford (that puppy can get up to 20mph…coppers are screwed when they mess with me!).
Cruising down the street, being sure not to draw TOO MUCH attention from the local police, I scan the
sidewalks around me…”Optimus’ Enema Shop,” “Sly Cooper’s Bookstore,” “Vazzi’s Mental Health
Facility,”just a few of the small Chicago businesses I pass by everyday in a routine fashion. Jogging down
the street is none other than the lovely miss QueenDork (of course pantiless, courtesy of yours truly).
The sounds of fun, excitement, and a 3 ring circus snap my attention from my jogging crew-mate back to
the building that lay before me: the one and only Unicorn Family HQ. Clowns bouncing in and out of the
doors, an elephant on the roof, and a man breathing fire down on his knees infront of HollowPoint (sorry
pal K)…yes, true signs that I was in the right place. Heh, then again, I know the HQ like the palm of my
hand knows my…heh…well…we won’t go there.
Inside the HQ I’m welcomed by the warm, bright purple walls and green tile floor, along with the stench of
drunken slobs who wandered in from neighboring families.
“Hey, Otep, how’s that rash?!” came a voice…I looked up and saw none other than TheChemist. ‘oh God,’
I thought to myself ‘how does HE know?!’ quickly my face turned red and I just nodded and kept on
walking toward the lounge room.
Upon reaching the room I noticed two black boot marks on the direct center of the wooden door, a definite
sign that Billy had been practicing his Ninja skills again…*sigh* when will he learn?
“…and then, he like, so totally said ‘I love you Rosco, will you marry me?’ like WOW!” I heard Mr666 say
in an extremely terrifying and far too realistic valley girl voice. A roar
of giggles followed. I knew I had made it just in time J. Life is good…
Later that evening I was out for a jog around the area the headquarters was located in. Now, I don’t want to
sound like I’m bragging, but I’ve been around the block a time or two and I certainly know this was a
rookie mistake. I don’t say this because it’s a typically bad neighborhood, but rather because the “legend”
was recently promoted to gangster again, and I hear he has a bone to pick with some other boys in town.
That’s right, Premeir was walking the streets of Chicago, and he’s already proven that he’ll point a gun my
way (RIP Fetus-Number-Five). Even worse, he’s already proven he’ll pull out his penis and type with it –
yes, a very dangerous man we’re talking about, folks.
Just then, I hear a rattle from the trashcans in an adjacent alleyway. My first thought is that it’s either that
damn bum Corrado going through the garbage looking for cheese to give his members like always, or a
gigantic hairless rodent that many know as TheBaroness. I am wrong…boy am I wrong…it’s a raccoon!
That’s right, a cute and cuddly raccoon. “Aww,” I say “poor fellow has gotten lost in the harsh land of
Chicago. Perhaps I should take him home and sodomize him!” With that I decided to reach for him and try
to pick him up, already planning out the path I’d take back to the HQ.
Heh – wrong move! The little bastard opened his tiny mouth and removed my pinky finger! How was I
ever going to become an evil world dictator living in the inspiration of Dr. Evil now?! Little did I know, it
was only the beginning of a very sticky situation…and by sticky I don’t mean “covered in a strange
unknown substance.”
Emerging from the shadows to face me eye to eye is none other than the man, the myth, and the legend:
Emperor Premeir.
My heart was immediately in my throat, my face pale, and my head rushed with visions of death. My entire
life had flashed before my eyes…from the time Mr. Choice was changing my diapers and I was peeing in
his eye for kicks, to the day I killed a sponsored member because his crew leader thought he should receive
“second chances” after shooting at a random, sponsored Earner. I was doomed. I had attempted to molest
the infamous pet raccoon of the most vicious mobster of all time…what was I to do? What dirty joke could
I make to distract him now?
Before I could react the killer reached for his weapon, and naturally, I ran. I’m not afraid to admit he scared
me shitless, as I was never trained in the arts of defense during my youth. I’m fully dependent of my gun to
think for me…screw a brain.
Making my way around the corner, and headed down the straight shot sidewalk that leads to the doors of
the Unicorn HQ I can hear Prem’s slow moving footsteps in the distance behind me. He wears a heavy
soled pair of boots, and walks with a limp due to a gang fight of old. Clearly he’s not rushed, his adrenaline
hasn’t kicked in as mine has. Then again, why should it? He’s killed at least a thousand men over his span
here in mobland, I’d be no different. He truly is a sight to see…so calm, cool, and sure about his work.
He’s got slaying down to an art.
I continue to flee, knowing that he’s not going to shoot while I’m running. Prem may have an amazing aim,
but he’s aware that there’s always a slight chance he’ll miss the hard shots. He’s too smart to shoot me
while moving, especially at such a long distance and with nothing more than his .44 caliber pistol.
Within seconds I arrive at the HQ doors out of breath. I pound on the heavy doors, screaming for help. Just
then my dear friend Killer6 came running to my aid from indoors. However, instead of letting me in, he
came out…with a big gun. Premeir didn’t run, only kept walking toward us with his raccoon following
closely behind. Soon K6 realized that we couldn’t face him alone, and we both retreated into the safety of
our bright colored Head Quarters.
Killer and I made our way to Ghost Buster war room and plotted out how to handle the situation. We called
in everyone we knew of…Emi because she’d have the best chance at calling Prem off, Miss D because
she’d scare the living hell out of him even if only for a split second…even got BrianArao on the phone and
asked for him to hurry down ASAP. We had a plan. We were going to face the legend, and we were going
to prevail. There’s always safety in numbers.
Prem sat outside sharpening his blade and polishing his firearm. We all took deep breaths and decided to
venture outside together. Premeir stood and faced us with a solemn look on his face. He pulled his trench
coat back to reveal a second firearm at his hip, and spoke sternly “Do ya feel lucky, punk? Huh, do ya?”
Wow, a true cowboy living the life of a gangster. He’s like a cross between John Wayne and Tony
Montana...no wonder he’s so demented.
Shoving his way through the line of Unicorns facing the opponent, Billy Bathtub stands before Premeir and
shouts out “you big ugly poop faced punk, I’m going to mutilate you for challenging the Unicorn family!”
Premeir simply lifts his gun and shoots. Billy’s lifeless body immediately falls to the ground with a “splat”
and the family medic rushes to his aid to check his pulse. There is none. Premeir has stricken a family full
of experience and is seemingly not backing down.
Within moments weapons are drawn and bullets fired in both directions. House and cars are set ablaze, and
innocent bystanders are slaughtered in the crossfire. Bodies lie about the streets, and the usual gray asphalt
has been turned a crimson color from the stains of blood. Many unicorns have fallen, and yet the man
stands alone, a gun in each hand, firing rounds left and right while bullets just bounce off of his chest.
Every few minutes one of us will get a decent shot off, but all it does is knock him back a step or two
before he gains three more.
While the firefight rages on, the sky begins to turn to black and all clouds are cleared. At first I suspect that
time’s slipped past me and night has fallen, but then I notice the sun is still out. What in the hell is going
on? Is this some sort of mobland Armageddon? Just then, a face appears in the sky…the face of
Administrator. He says upon us in his incredibly feminine voice “The day that Premeir faces the unicorn
family is going to be bad and bloody, so don’t let it happen…mmmkay? DOH! I didn’t realize you guys
were already fighting…I was too busy playing with the Pillsbury Doughboy to catch the first half of the
fight. So, uh, just have fun and don’t make dupes.” After hearing that it’s clear how everyone would fear
the famed Administrator. I mean, just look at his incredible use of vocabulary!
Just as quickly as he’d came, Administrator was gone from the heavens and an automobile was
approaching. The car came to a halt a few yards away from the battle, and out stepped two dark figures.
Upon realizing that the driver was BrianArao and the passenger was TheD I wondered why they weren’t
holding hands as they walked our way. Nonetheless, two men who could offer some logic to the battle had
finally arrived. They had no biased. They were completely neutral, seeing as how they were friends with
both parties.
When Premeir noticed his old friends BA and D he lowered his weapons and stared at them in a confused
manner. We did the same.
“What the fuck are you doin’ here?” Prem asked.
“We came to stop you two, dumbass…” replied Brian.
“Why? You know I like to kill, and Otep started it…he tried to fuck my raccoon!” Prem’s words may have
been childish and extreme, but they were true.
“I know, Prem, but Emi and I have something to tell you and BoM (Otep’s secret identity). It’s really
important, bro, so put your guns up…all of you. There’s no use in killing each other.” Brian’s cool attitude
calmed us all down, and we did as he asked.
“Alright Arao, you’ve gotten us to stop shooting, but why? What’s so important?” I ask. With that, Emi
stepped up between us, holding the hand of one beautiful blonde lady wearing a bright red thong on her
head and a t-shirt that read “Panties are the devil” and spoke to us.
“BoM, Premeir…I called BrianArao and asked him to bring TheD with him. Prem, I need to tell you that
Otep is my son. Actually, ah, it’s not so much that he’s my son I’m concerned with telling you about, but
the fact that he’s OUR son. That’s right, Premmy, You’re Otep’s father.”
Prem’s face went blank, and for a handful of seconds that seemed more like hours everything was still, all
was silent. “WHAT THE HELL?! MY SON?! OH HELL NO, I TOLD YOU TO USE THE PILL YOU
DUMB WOMAN!”
“Father, don’t speak to her that way! I’ve known all along…just been trying to hide it because I didn’t want
to live in your shadows. I was frightened that you’d not accept me and would kill me off like the infant Emi
gave birth to a few years back.”
“Oh yeah, haha, the one I named Nick C and threw off a cliff?” Prem asked with a smile.
“Yes, that’s the one.”
The next few minutes were spent bonding…we laid down our weapons and started to accept the fact I was
the son of a legend. He told me all of his favorite killing stories, and even offered to train me in both the art
of killing and the field of pimping. It was actually all starting to feel real…starting to look like family.
Prem found some dead people that were killed during the gun fight, and he and I began to decapitate their
bodies and feast. Turns out we’ve both got a cannibalistic nature inside of us. That’s not the only thing we
had in common…soon, a keg full of the blood of the innocent was pulled out courtesy of our Iron Fist
associates. The rest of the night was filled with the devouring of newborns by my father, and the
sodomizing of raccoons by myself.
Who would’ve ever thought…eh? It’s a crazy world we live in…full of surprises and odd hunger cravings.
****************************
TICKLING YOUR TASTEBUDS
****************************
It's that wonderful time of year again -- pumpkins, autumn leaves, crisp days, and ... leftover turkey. Oh,
my! What on earth can you do with those never-ending leftovers besides serving one more cold turkey
sandwich?
I personally love turkey leftovers. I even plan the size of turkey I buy based on how much I want left over
(the more, the merrier!). I use leftover turkey in meals I prepare ahead of time to store in the freezer (a
delicious freezer-friendly recipe follows), but I also dice and shred some of the meat to store in two-cup
freezer containers (or zip-top bags) for an easy addition to meals I'm preparing during the week. Skillet
meals, casseroles, and shredded meat sandwiches become quick and simple "on-the-go" family meals.
Now, on to those gourmet leftover treats I promised!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gourmet Turkey Sandwich
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sourdough bread
Jellied cranberry sauce
Cream cheese
Leftover turkey meat (white meat, preferably)
Spread cranberry sauce and cream cheese on opposite sides of bread, and then simply layer on some cold
left- over turkey meat (I personally prefer slices of white meat in this sandwich).
Oh, goodness ... just thinking about this sandwich makes me hungry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Turkey-Stuffed Manicotti
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Reprinted with permission from 'Frozen Assets: How to Cook for a Day, Eat for a Month' by Deborah
Taylor-Hough)
2 tablespoons butter, melted
4 cups cooked turkey meat, chopped or shredded
2 cups ricotta cheese
Ground black pepper to taste
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
2 green onions, chopped
1 teaspoon dried parsley
1/2 teaspoon rosemary
2 eggs, lightly beaten
4 cups tomato sauce, or 2 jars (15-oz.) spaghetti sauce
16 manicotti shells, cooked until just barely softened
In large skillet, brown turkey in butter for 2 - 4 minutes. Mix turkey with ricotta cheese. Add pepper,
Parmesan, green onions, parsley, rosemary and egg mix well. Cover bottom of baking pans with one-cup
tomato sauce.
**Stuff manicotti shells with turkey mixture place in baking pan(s) and cover with remaining sauce. Cover
baking pan(s) with foil, label and freeze.
To Serve: Thaw. Sprinkle 1/2-cup Parmesan cheese over manicotti. Baked uncovered at 350 F for 35
minutes, or until bubbly and hot in the center.
** I've found that cooling the manicotti shells completely before stuffing them (just run the cooked noodles
under cold water in a colander) makes the stuffing process much easier than attempting to stuff hot noodles.
I've also discovered that a long handled infant feeding spoon (with a tiny bowl) works perfectly for stuffing
manicotti shells.
************************
CURING COTTON MOUTH
************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Warm Bourbon Eggnog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 large eggs
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
1/2-cup milk
2/3 cup blended bourbon
1-teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Ground nutmeg (optional)
In a 3-quart saucepan with an electric mixer on medium speed, beat together eggs and sugar until well
combined. Stir in the heavy cream and milk. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture
thickens and a candy thermometer registers 150 degrees F - about 15 minutes.
Remove saucepan from heat. Stir in the bourbon and vanilla. Return mixture to heat and cook 2 minutes
more. Divide the eggnog among glasses and sprinkle each glass with nutmeg, if desired. Serve.
**************************
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
**************************
Dear Readers,
We are looking for Christmas stories from Gazette readers living in all six cities.
Tell us how you will spend the holiday in your home, any special traditions you may have, recipes, holiday
memories, etc…
For your stories to be considered they have to follow the submission guidelines detailed below and be
relevant to our lifestyle here.
We will publish some of your letters over the holidays to share with other readers.
Sincerely,
The Mafia Gazette Editors
*************************
NEWSPAPER RECRUITING
*************************
The Mafia Gazette is on the hunt for freelance journalists to join its growing team. Any who wish to write
for the community’s oldest newspaper will be welcomed. We are currently only looking to employ those
who are already affiliated to other families. There will be no need to change crews, as we are only looking
for freelancers.
The job entails writing articles for the Gazette to be published in the next available issue. Writers should be
prepared to submit at least one article every two weeks conforming to the guidelines below.
1. No stories/columns permitted that do not conform to the already established format of the stories.
2. No derogatory or defamatory stories/columns/letters are to be published and no vulgarity or crass
language
3. All stories/columns must be confirmed as factual as the research allows. Nothing is to be
confirmed/denied unless there is solid proof.
4. The editor in chief reserves the right to alter/amend any articles for content/length and all
stories/columns/letters should be submitted to the Editors, Tiggy or Mother, the day before the day of
publishing to ensure proper editing is allowed.
*********************************
SUBMISSIONS TO THE NEWSPAPER.
*********************************
We still accept submissions as long as they conform to the above guidelines.
Contributions to your paper have always been welcomed, although I do not deal with fictional work, like
short stories or poetry. Any other news, reviews, points to be raised or just general observations on a
situation will be welcomed and collated into the newspaper. People are welcome to write in to the
newspaper as well, giving their opinions on any articles that are published. Praise or constructive criticism
only for these, as I will not print anything that does not conform to the above guidelines.
Please use your paper and have your voice. There have been many who have raised their concerns that the
newspaper only contains my views and my opinions. I would like to refute these claims as false as I seek
others views and opinions when collecting information for any articles I publish. However, should people
wish to submit their own articles for publication, these will be gratefully received. All author’s names will
be included with any submissions unless requested otherwise.
Submit your work to Tiggy or Mother at least 24 hours before publication days, which are Tuesday,
Thursday, and Sunday.
*********************
CLASSFIEDS SECTION
*********************
Submissions can be made to Mother in the form of a classified add and are open to all members of the
community. All ads are free and will be run in one issue only unless written notification is given. Ads will
only be run for a maximum of two weeks before a new ad is required to replace it. All classifieds have a
max word count of 150 to conserve space.
The following areas are open for advertisement:
BUSINESS ADS – Advertise your growing business here. Have a bar or restaurant? Want to create new
business opportunities? Start here!
PERSONAL ADS - Seeking the Mafioso of your dreams? Want to meet up with Mr Killer Good Looks?
Need a nice Moll for those social occasions? Advertise here for free and watch your dreams become reality.
CREW ADS – Are you recruiting? Is your crew closed for new recruits? Want to tell people what kind of
gangster you are really looking for? Place your advert in the Gazette and let the whole Thug community
know what you want, need or desire from your future crewmembers.
OBITUARIES – Have you lost someone near and dear to your heart? Do you want to express your sorrow
and wishes to their families? Here is your chance, place an obituary in the Gazette and share your feelings
freely.