Only Fools And Horses
By Tom Griffith
‘Justice Awaits…’
This episode is meant to be before ‘If They Could See Us Now!’ and well
after ‘Time On Our Hands’. The Trotters have lost their millions through
the stock market and struggling to find their feet. In the meantime, Mike
Fisher is up for a strong sentence due to de-forging the brewery.
Characters involved:
Del, Rodney, Mike, Albert, Boycie, Denzil, Trigger, Marlene, Mickey
Pearce, Sid, Raquel, Damien, Cassandra, Alan, Pam.
Scene1 At the Nags Head, Peckham, where there is Del, Boycie and
Trigger talking with Sid who is working behind the bar all discussing
Mike’s date for the court case coming up after being done for deforging
the brewery.
DEL. Alright Sid I’ll have a Tia Maria and coke in there for moi, and
what ever they want.
DENZIL, TRIGGER, BOYCIE. Cheers Del
DEL. That’s all right Gents, now we have to get down to business.
Mike’s case is coming up and I don’t know what rumours have been
spreaded about Mike around here they aint true.
BOYCIE. What were they then?
DEL. Well about Mike and his court case coming up I just told you.
BOYCIE. No I meant what were the drinks you ordered us?
DEL. Very funny, very funny. Sid, water down Boycie’s coniciac will
ya?!
BOYCIE. So….anyway, these rumours, I heard one of them was summin
about his court thing being held near Wimbledon.
TRIGGER. I didn’t know he was interested in Tennis.
(Reactions from Del, Boycie etc)
BOYCIE. Trigger, do me a favour, go and do something useful, like
marry an ostridge.
(Boycie evilly laughs)
DEL. No, no no Trigg, court case, you know, his appeal to get out of
prison. Any way, if any of you catch anyone else spreading any porkies,
let me know, I’ll wack em round the ear hole, coz that man is innocent.
Ever since me and Rodders have lost all our lovely jubly money we have
been trying to get back on out toes and get back to the old wheeling and
dealing. And Mike had the mis - fortune to get banged up.
SID. Yeah, coz he only done up the Inland Revenue by £12 000.
BOYCIE. Yeah and that was the interest rate!
TRIGGER. Where’s Dave tonight then?
DEL. Ah well he’s gone out and taken Damien Ice Skating.
BOYCIE. Rodney ice-skating, do me a favour.
DEL. Nah straight up, he’s doing me a favour, I said Rodders, I want you
to take ‘Damey’ out and spend abit of quality time with your most
favourite nephew and with your beautiful looking wife.
TRIGGER. What are you doing for him in return then?
BOYCIE. Probably taking Cassandra out
(Del Reacts)
DEL. Oi! That’s enough; I am not that sort of bloke
DEL. As it happens, I had taken her out, but only coz she says she had
felt down lately
SID. Oh yeah, I heard summing about that, Rodney aint got enough off
summing, is that right
TRIGGER. Yeah, well Boycie knows how he feels
DEL. Ah…
BOYCIE. Uh, do you mind Trigger, I have a perfectly born sprog who
bounces around more times than a basketball, ask Del…
DEL. Nah sorry Boycie, you’ll have to ask your milkman
(Boycie looks confused)
SID. So when is Mike’s case then?
DEL. It’s on the 30th of this month, so only a few days away. My self is a
character witness
( Del tries to look smug about the prospect of playing an important role in
the situation)
(Boycie and Sid laugh)
BOYCIE. You! A character witness? Haha Turn it up Del Boy, you’re
the one that helped invest Mike’s money
SID. And spent it
(Boycie and Sid laugh as Del looks slightly annoyed)
DEL. I did not spend it, I just recommended that he had a look in to the
American Stock market. Anyway, he’ll be alright after I put in a good
word for him. Look he’s already gone down once, hopefully this appeal
will bring in a bit of bunce for us coz wer’e nackered for money these
days.
BOYCIE. So what’s been going on with ‘Trotters Independent Traders’
then?
DEL. Well to be honest with you Boycie, not good. We’ve got 160
knocked off DVD’s that are set on Region 1 area
TRIGGER. What’s that mean Del
DEL. What it means Trigger is that it won’t play on any DVD player in
the UK will it. Which means it’s about as useful as a wafer!
TRIGGER. But they actually don’t look like a wafer then?
DEL. No course not Trigg why?
TRIGGER. I’ll have one then.
(Reactions for Boycie Del and Sid)
Scene 2 – At an Ice Skating Rink, Rodney is skating slowly and Damien
whizzes past and knocks Rodney over, and slowly he falls over, while
Damien laughs at him and skates off.
RODNEY. Little git!
RODNEY. Damien, come on, don’t be nasty to your Uncle Rodney.
(Rodney mumbles to himself whilst trying to skate on)
RODNEY. Viscous little bastard!
DAMIEN. Hey Uncle Rodney, why are you so useless at this
RODNEY. Coz you’re a little sod that keeps knocking me over! Come
on, we gota get you home, Del, I mean Dad will be wondering where you
are.
DAMIEN. What! Already, I want to go to the cinema, you batty boy.
RODNEY. No Rat boy! Home, coz of you I’ve most probably broken me
Ribs and split me thigh muscles. If I stay with you much longer, I may
turn out as flat as this rotten ice!
Scene 3 – Nelson Mandela House, Raquel walks towards the dinner table
and walks back out to the kitchen.
RAQUEL. Derrick, your dinners ready
(Del sees his meal ready on the tele which looks like a healthy dinner and
del acts sarcastically)
DEL. Coming sweet heart. Here, that looks absolutely de…. disgusting.
It looks like a drug addicts vomit.
(Cassandra enters)
CASSANDRA. Hi Del
DEL. Ah Cassandra, how are you love, how’s my little healthy ummm
foetus or what ever it is
CASSANDRA. Baby, yes it’s fine. When’s Rodney back.
DEL. Well I don’t know, he left about half past ten this morning, hasn’t
been back since
(Raquel enters)
RAQUEL. Del, you need to sort that kitchen out, it’s full of boxes of
Christmas decorations, why on earth do we need Christmas decorations in
the middle of Spring
DEL. That was not me, I swear, it was that dipstick Rodney, he’s done
this before when he brought suntan lotion in the winter. He thinks that
we will make a right killing by selling some shoddy Christmas gear with
Christmas decorations that don’t light up! They’re about as bright as
Trigger being on University challenge.
RAQUEL. You bought them though!
DEL. I know but that’s not the point, I mean that boy has got two GCE’s
and still doesn’t know how to trade properly. Ok ok I brought the gear
right, but that dozy twonk didn’t even bother to check them.
(Rodney and Damien enter, Rodney looks shattered)
RODNEY. Bloody hell, what a day
DEL. Alrite bruv, how was skating
RODNEY. Oh God, nightmare, absolute bloody nightmare, never again,
the little gi..rascal. Had me falling over more times than a pissed up
student.
DEL. Yeah well I always said you should have taken up skateboarding
instead
(Del laughs amongst his self)
RODNEY. So, when’s Mike’s court case, sounds like it’s gonna be a
longen?
DEL. Rubbish Rodney, no sorry that is Bonnet de crap. He’ll get a few
months and no longer.
RAQUEL. Poor old Mike, he should never have re mortgaged the Pub,
he should have known some thing like this would have happened if it
involved you and your money making schemes
DEL. I know that Raquel, but at the time we were doing aright for
ourselves weren’t we, I mean we were on top of the moon, we were
millionaires. How was I supposed to know Rodney would nause it up?
RODNEY. Me! What do you mean how was I supposed to know Rodney
would nause it up, it weren’t nothing to do with me Derrick, if you
remember, at the time you were with Mike negotiating plans to make
more money out of the Nags Head.
DEL. Look Rodney, Mum said to me on her deathbed
(Rod interrupts)
RODNEY. Gawd
DEL. She said, Del Boy, if you are ever in any trouble involving money,
blame it on Rodney coz he’ll most probably get a couple of GCE’s.
(Rod Reacts)
Del Boy exits in to the kitchen
RODNEY. Shut up will ya
RODNEY. Alright Cass
CASSANDRA. Hello Roddy, how was your day?
RODNEY. Horrible, Del made me take Damien out whilst he went to
visit Mike about this court case coming up. Jeez, he’such a little sod.
Look, I gota bruised rib and everything.
CASSANDRA. Aww poor you, never mind. Would you like me to
bathe the wounds for you?
RODNEY. No it’s alright, I’m going to have a shower in a minute.
RODNEY. Cass, I’m fed up.
CASSANDRA. Of what Rodney?
RODNEY. Just everything. Trotters Independent Traders are on the
verge of going bust, Del and me have got to be character witnesses for
Mike’s court case and to top it all I feel like a toss pot who couldn’t say
no to a sumo wrestler.
(Del enters back in to the living room)
DEL. Rodney, listen, I’ve got a plan in which I think we can get our
money back, now you may not like it, but it’s abit of a do it your self Del
Boy mission.
(Rodney shows a face that shows anxiety)
RODNEY. Go on then
DEL. I want to write my own song
(Rodney, Cassandra and Raquel burst out laughing)
DEL. Is there something I missed?
RODNEY. Del you crack us up sometimes
RAQUEL. All the time Rodney
DEL. And what is wrong with me writing my own song?
RODNEY. Oh nothing Del, as long as you don’t want it to sound like one
of your ‘Who’ records.
DEL. There is nothing wrong with ‘The Who’. No this is going to get us
right back on top
RODNEY. Do you want Albert to help you with it?
DEL. Oh shut up you tart. That old div could just about play chopsticks!
Nah he’s as happy as larry, out there with old Elsie singing in the rain.
I’m perfectly edible to do it on me own. Monkey Harris has just bought
his own music recording station fing.
RODNEY. What is it, a karaoke machine?
DEL. Very funny, no it’s got everything it’s got those flashing light
fings, it’s got loads of buttons and speakers and everything. Nah this
time next year, we will be millionaires
RODNEY. Yeah ok Del.
(Phone Rings)
DEL. Answer that will you darling
RAQUEL. Answer it your self Trotter, I’m doing the clearing up.
(Raquel exits in to kitchen)
DEL. Alight Alright, ello Trotters Independent Traders PLC, ah hello
Unc, how are you…….me yeah I’m fine, Rodney? Yeah he’s ok, looking
abit bruised but fine, nothing he just went ice skating earlier, fell out with
the ice that sort of thing, so what are you up to then?…yeah?………no,
your joking
(Del covers phone and whispers to Rodney and Cassandra)
DEL. Ere, he’s only got down on the old knee aint he
RODNEY. No! Is he alight?
DEL. No you dippy, he’s asked Elsie to marry him! Ere Unc, when’s the
big day? What do you mean what am I on about? When are you, you
know, doing up the old trousers (Winks at Rodney) Oh, your knee, still
playing you up is it?
(Rod reacts)
RODNEY. I bloody knew it, Albert wouldn’t marry again, he’s still
cursing the day he married Aunt Aida!
DEL. Shh shh Rodney, ah right, well I tell you what, why don’t you see
the old quack about it? You know get abit of treatment on it? Yeah,
alright Unc, take care, Bonjour, Bye!
DEL. He had me going then, gawden Bennit.
Rodney. So, you got rid of all that gear yet
DEL. What gear?
RODNEY. The Christmas decorations, you know, they come with tinsel,
all colourful lights and all that, the bulbs that are about as bright as a onewatt light bulb.
DEL. No I have not sold em, yet. You’re the dozy twonk that reckoned
we should buy them
RODNEY. Yes, but I weren’t to know they turn out like summing that’s
been set on a bonfire
DEL. Well, it was a stupid idea.
DEL. Come on Rodney, we gota get down the market to put a bit of nosh
on the table, coz if we don’t, we’re gonna have to eat Sid’s meat pie’s!
(End of Scene, Del and Rodney exit and make their way down to the
market)
Scene 4 – At the market, Del boy is trying to a suitcase full of breast
enhancers whilst Rodney is standing on look out duty.
DEL. Now what I have hear may possible be the very thing for you
lovely ladies, I’ve just had them ordered in from New York, only made
last week and am selling them at half the price, so only for only £15.00
ladies that’s £15.00, I’m giving them away at the cheapest possible price.
(Negative response from audience of ladies)
DEL. Wat do you mean nahhh? This is pure quality, made from the finest
factorys in America this is.
(Del gives up purswading to sell the goods)
RODNEY. No luck then Del Boy
DEL. Sod all luck Rodney, I just do not know how we are gonna get back
on our feet
RODNEY. What happened to your musical career?
DEL. Yes, well I’m working on that aint I, I gota meet up with Paddy
and one of his mates whose in the game. If I can just come up with some
lyrics then Paddy and his team can help product a song
RODNEY. You mean Produce
DEL. No product Rodney, God all mighty, you don’t know nothing about
music do ya! To you it’s all pop this and wack that
RODNEY. So then, what if all this goes to plan then? And you have
actually got to right summin?
DEL. Well Rodney, you see, that’s when abit of planning has got to come
in hand, coz I know this plonker who can help me, as he has a gce in
English I fort that it would come in handy, you know, what with having
to use all the grammar and everyfing.
RODNEY. What, me, no come on Del, this is got nothing to do with me.
I aint writing some stupid song. Come on Del, admit it, it’s a total, well,
how can I put it, a crap idea?
DEL. Wh…(Del interrupts himself just as he is about to say, ‘what!’)
DEL. Yeah your right.
(Trigger apporcahes Del and Rodney)
TRIGGER. Del, Dave
DEL. Ah Trigg!
TRIGGER. Hows it goin?
DEL. Not too bad, what you up to then?
TRIGGER. Just doing abit extra for the council, it’s always good to earn
abit more money isn’t it Del Boy. Went to the bookies the other day,
found £50 lying on the floor, just lying there, doing nothing, so I did the
honest thing, and handed it in.
DEL. Yes, we could do with 10 or 20 thousand pounds. Yes Trigg, that
was very honest of you. You going down the coach and Horses later?
TRIGGER. Coach and Horses?
DEL. Yeah, not bothering with the Nags Head, it’s Sid, he’s practically
taking all me money aint he
RODNEY. Yeah well the last time you actually paid for a drink in there?
Must have been months ago’.
DEL. Don’t you get saucy with me Rodney, Sid knows I’ve been tied up
lately.
TRIGGER. Don’t worry Del Boy, lets go to the Nags Head, drinks are
on me.
DEL. Yeah alright Trigg, but don’t worry though, I’ll get em in
TRIGGER. Yeah but I thought you said you was skint
DEL. Yeah I know I did, but some burk handed in £50 the other day!
Scene 5
At the Nags head, Del, Rodney, Trigger and Boycie are drinking at a pub
table taslking.
BOYCIE. I have sold over a douzen of those Ford Escorts now,
wonderful little runners they are, I’m glad I got shot of them actually it
was only the day I lost out on a fortune up Ladbrokes!
(Trigger looks confused)
DEL. Oh ah right, never mind Boycie, it’s only money isn’t it.
TRIGGER. But Del, I fought
RODNEY. Uh Trigg, no mate
TRRIGGER. But
RODNEY. Just don’t go there Trigg, you got a drink?
BOYCIE. Go where?
RODNEY. No where, just Trigg was going to..
(Interruption from Del)
DEL…get us a drink weren’t you
TRIGGER. Oh yeah. I forgot what I was going to tell you now!
(Sid calls over to Del)
SID. Del Boy! You got a phone call, it’s Mike
DEL. Mike? Bloody hell what’s gone and done?
BOYCIE. Most probably got a job at the bar in there
RODNEY. Prisons don’t have drinking bars
BOYCIE. I weren’t on about that, I was on about mike turning in to a
noofter!
(Boycie laughs)
DEL. Yes Mike, how are ya mate?
.
(Del carries on talking to Mike whilst the others are talking)
BOYCIE. Rodney, tell me, has Del sold any of those breast enhansers
yet?
RODNEY. Not yet know
BOYCIE. You could always give them to Elsie Patridge
(Boyce laughs)
TRIGGER. I’ll have some
BOYCIE. Yeah, I would have bet a monkey on you saying that Trigg
TRIGGER. Howd you know I was going to say it
BOYCIE. Cause you’ll buy anything that’s been touched up!
(Albert suddenly appears dressed up smartly in a suite with his war
medals on him)
BOYCIE. Hold up, here comes one of the seven dwarfs
(Boycie laughs)
ALBERT. Stop your sarking
RODNEY. Hello Unc, what you doing here? I thought you were
supposed to be with Elsie Partridge?
ALBERT. I was but I lost her!
RODNEY. You lost her? How did you do that?
ALBERT. We went out for the day and went all the way down to a place
called Longleat, I lived over there just after the war, anyway, we were in
a maze and I lost her!
TRIGGER. Where was that a mirror maze?
ALBERT. No! it was an outdoor maze, so anyway, I could’nt find her so
I went home!
RODNEY. What! You mean you left her
ALBERT, Yah, well I thought it was understandable since she was a
medium, I thought she might be able to know where I am like.
RODNEY. I don’t believe you, she can communicate with the spirits, not
see in to the future with Mystic Meg!
TRIGGER. I went to see one of them Mystic Meg things once you know
BOYCIE Yeah? Why was that for Trigg?
TRIGGER. Well, a few years ago I wanted to know why the weather was
getting so rough and fuming, the weatherman on the tele were constinly
getting it all wrong, it was affecting my work, you know, the day before I
do a shift I get told how the road surfaces are going to be, then I can use
the right broom.
(Rodney and Boycie look confused)
RODNEY. Why didn’t you just use the right broom on the day
TRIGGER. I shouldn’t have to, you see Dave, Mysitic Meg can tell me
thses things in advance.
ALBERT. Hows that work Trigg
TRIGGER. Well she’s a weather reporter isn’t she? That’s why she’s
Mystic Meg.
(Everyone looks puzzled except Trigg)
ALBERT. But Mystic Meg..
(Interruption from Rodney)
RODNEY. Albert, don’t confuse the atmosphere
(Del finishes his call from mike and returns to his seat)
DEL. Ah! Uncle Albert, what you doing here? I fort you was supposed to
be with Elsie?
ALBERT. Yeah I was Del, long story
RODNEY. Literally a long story
DEL. Stone me never mind.
BOYCIE. So what did young Michael say then
DEL. He was just reporting back, checking that everything’s still ok for
tomorrow.
BOYCIE. And is it?
DEL. No, there is abit of a crisis
TRIGGER. What kind of crisis?
DEL. Well, basically, I don’t know how to put it but…
RODNEY. Go on
DEL. Well, I haven’t managed to find Mike a Solisiter!
BOYCIE. Bloody hell, at this rate, he’ll be spending prison in court!
DEL. No, there’s not a problem, because I’ve managed to track down an
old mate, Solly Atwell.
RODNEY. Not him again
ALBERT. Remember the trouble we had with him last time!
DEL. Yes, I do remember, but you were the burk that fell down holes for
a living.
DEL. It’s gonna be alright, Solly will get Mike out of there, it’s going to
take abit of le mankin but we’ll get him out of there.
(Scene 6)
At the Trotters flat, Damien is eating his tea, and Rodney leaves the table
to get a drink, Damien purposely spills some milk on to Rodney’s toast , a
few seconds later, Rodney returns.
RODNEY. Ah, bloody hell, blimey.
DAMIEN. What’s up Uncle Rodney
RODNEY. I never put that much spice in me breakfast…hang on, that
was you wasn’t it rat boy!
DAMIEN. No it wasn’t, Mum, Uncle Rodney’s shouting at me!
(Raquel enters)
RODNEY. No, I wasn’t, the little rascal, put milk on me toast.
RAQUEL. You little sod, go out and play football or something
DAMIEN. Ha ha, I get to go out and play, while you have to eat this
garbage
RAQUEL. Oi, watch your mouth you, eat up your porridge first.
(DEL Enters)
DEL. Ah good morning, what a night, I slept like a log I did you know, I
had this really weird dream, I dreamt that we were millionaires again, it
was brilliant, I took over Boycie’s business, the Nags Head and bought a
lovely great big mansion, like we had in Paris. Then suddenly, out of
know where, Grandad of all people mugged me! I though, what a git!
And kicked him one up the Jacksie.
RODNEY. Grandad was in it?!
DEL. Yeah. But the funny thing was, when I’d kicked him, it wasn’t who
I thought it was.
RAQUEL. Who was it then?
DEL. It was Elsie Patridge!
DEL. Here, what’s for breakfast?
RAQUEL. Do you want a fry up?
DEL. No thank you darling, fry up’s are for wimps, nah I’m on the Paul
Gascoigne diet
RODNEY. What, beer and cigar’s diet?
DEL. No it aint! It’s just simply, a fry up with extra grease! Lovely jubly
RAQUEL. So no different to what you usually have then!
DEL. Alright Rodders, looking foreward today?
RODNEY. No I am not.
DEL. Why not, it’s gonna be great, Mike’s gonna be released and were’
gonna have a knee’s up at the Nags Head. You know, bread roll, bit of
cake and a tizer and rhum to liven things up.
RODNEY. Urrr, yeah what ever
DEL. What’s the matter with you, ur not saulking are ya?
RODNEY. Urr
DEL. I don’t believe it, it’s like trying to socialise with someone with !
RODNEY. Shut up will ya, I got some, well. Personal problems at the
moment.
DEL. What sort of personal problems?
RODNEY. You know
DEL. Oh the bedroom department again is it.
RODNEY. Yes, keep your voice down, Raquel could be ear wigging this
DEL. Course she aint, who do you fink she is!
(Raquel shouts from the kitchen)
RAQUEL. If you like Rodney, me Damien and Del will let you and
Cassandra on your own for the night?
RODNEY. Oh God, I thought you said she couldn’t hear us?
DEL. Well you better keep your voice down then Rodney.
RODNEY. Me? You’re the one that mentioned ‘the bedroom department
at full volume.
DEL. Well, what’s up then?
RODNEY. Cassandra, well, it’s not her fault or anything, it’s just it’s
very akward sleeping next to someone who is about as light as a sumo
wrestler, and she get’s very sort of, well, vunrable, hormones going up
all over the place like a food blender. I don’t get much sleep and my
head feels like a snare drum.
DEL. Well, the only advice I can give you is to kip somewhere else
RODNEY. Yeah I never thought of that, but then I’d have to sleep on that
rotten sofa.
DEL. What’s wrong with it?
RODNEY. It looks like summin a Gypsy would wipe it’s arse with. And
was probably nicked
DEL. It was not nicked. I just managed to blag it off Dirty Barry
RODNEY. What did you do for him in return?
DEL. I gave him those dirty mags you used to read
RODNEY. What!..but
DEL..yeah but you don’t need em now do ya?! not now that Cassandra’s,
well, you know, the love hole has been filled with the nail eh haha lovely
jubly
(Rodney has an embarrassed look on his face)
RODNEY. Derrick! I don’t believe you sometimes. So anyway, what are
we……what do you mean nail! What ya trying to say?
DEL. Nothing Rodders! Honest. Anyway, enough of this witty Banta, we
gotta get ready, Mike’s big moment soon.
RODNEY. Yeah, how’d you reckon he’ll get on?
DEL. Well this is it you see, shouldn’t be too bad, he aint exactly stabbed
someone to bloody death, nah Mike is a good bloke, fair, honest and
trustworthy bloke.
DEL. 15 years sentence probably.
Scene 7
In the court room, Del, Rodney, Albert and the others are sitting
anxiously for mike’s case. Boycie is up in the witness box
Barrister – Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the whole truth?
(Marlene interrupts and whispers in to Raquel)
MARLENE. Hah! Boycie telling the truth? That’s like asking Tony Blair
to stopping telling porkies.
BOYCIE. Yes, within deather
BARRISTER. Right let’s see, you are a Mr Aurbery Boyce, and you own
your own second hand car company.
(Sniggers from the Audience including judge)
BOYCIE. Yes, uh, excuse me, I don’t suppose you know who told you
my first name, I find it rather embarrassing.
(Sniggers from the Audience)
BARRESTER. Well Mr Boyce, we know all our witness, judge and jury
full names, occupations and ages. So I do appoligise for any of the
inconvenience. We are recording everything you say in this court room.
BOYCIE. Bugger!
(Del whispers to Rodney and Denzil)
DEL. At this rate, Boycie will be the one to go down
DENZIL. Do you sence that Boycie is slowly getting done up like a
Kipper?
RODNEY. More like an entire fish monger!
JUDGE. Quiet Please
BOYCIE. Yes, quiet Del Boy, as you can see I’m having a very important
conversation with Mr Barrister here so do shut it.
BARRISTER. Do you know Mr Fisher very well?
BOYCIE. Oh yes, certainly, me and Michael have be friends for many
years.
BARRISTER. And are you a regular at his pub, the Nags Head of
Peckham?
BOYCIE. Yes
BARRISTER. I see, would you describe Mr Fisher as a trustworthy and
honest man?
BOYCIE. Of course, he’d buy any of my Cortina’s what ever the
situation.
BARRISTER And what has that got to do with anything?
BOYCIE. Well, it just goes to show he’d help out a mate doesn’t it. Um
ha ha (Nervous cough from Boycie)
(The Barrister calls up Trigger to act as a character witness)
BARRISTER. I call up on Mr Colin Ball
We hear a voice within the audience
TRIGGER. Yes, I’m here thank you
DEL. Trigg! You’re supposed to go up and act as a witness.
TRIGGER. Oh, I didn’t know that, I thought they was calling the register
(Reactions from Del, Rodney and the others)
DEL. Calling the…? Stone me bloody hell Trigg, I know School used to
be harsh but it weren’t this friendly.
DEL. And make sure you deny everything, just deny everything.
BARRISTER. Right then, you’re a Mr Colin Ball, a 53 year old Road
Sweeper from Peckham. Is that correct?
TRIGGER. I think so officer
BARRISTER. No no, I’m not an officer, I’m a Barrister
TRIGGER. So what you saying?
BARRISTER. I’m saying that I work as a court case barrister. So then,
do you deny that Mr Fisher or you ever been involved with each other
during the period of the time when the de-forging of the brewery took
place?
TRIGGER. No
(Knowing that Trigger didn’t deny it by accident, Del, Boycie and the
others including the barrister react knowing that Trigger was meant to say
yes)
DEL. Oh Mont de triomphe!
End of Scene.
Scene 8 - Outside the courtroom, Del Boy etc are discussing the outcome
of the Court case.
BOYCIE. Good God, that man has got more sentences than a Jeffrey
Archer paperback book.
DEL. Yeah, and just like one of Jeffrey Archer’s books none of them
makes sense.
TRIGGER. I tried reading a book once
DEL. Yeah? What was it?
TRIGGER. I dunno, I think it might have been a leaflet.
BOYCIE. So what are we going to do now?
RODNEY. We could drown our sorrows for poor old Mike?
DEL. Yeah. Lets have a toast, you know, in aid of Mike. It’s a very sad
day for all of us, a true friend is put away for stuff he never even done.
BOYCIE. Well, some of it.
DEL. I tell you one thing though we aint half gunna be skint for the next
five years.
DENSIL. Whys that?
DEL. We got to start paying for our drinks!
Scene 9 Back at the Flat, Del, Rodney, Albert. The Television is on and
there is just Albert Del and Rodney in the sitting room. The television is
on and we hear a local television news reporter on the television. It is
about a missing women being reported and it happens to be Elsie
Partridge. This was mention near to the start of the script where Albert
lost her.
News reporter. This is the news at ten, and top stories tonight, a missing
elderly women has been reported as ‘lost’ earlier today, when a family
relative had phoned the police requesting a search party to look for her.
She was last seen with an equally elderly man, described as a small potted
white bearded man who has been identified as a boat and shit kidnapper
during the war. The elderly women named Elsie Partridge has apparently
been found and is now safe back at her home in South London, but we are
not sure of this.
DEL. Bloody hell!
RODNEY. Bloody hell! What have you done Unc! Take Damien while
your still here
DEL. Oi, watch it you.
ALBERT. What! I wouldn’t do anything like that!
DEL. A boat and ship kidnapper, stone me. Ship sinker more like.
End.