BIFOCALS AUDITION – THANKS, MITCH
CHARACTERS AND SETTTING
THANKS, MITCH
A play in one act
by Pat Walker
Cast of Characters, played by four actors:
MITCH, a “senior” wedding guest
VERNA, his wife; WANDA, his sister-in-law; CASSANDRA, an old
friend and drunken wedding guest
CHARLENE, Mitch’s niece; LUCY, a musical director; GRACIE, RON’s
wife; JULIA, TODD’s wife
WALT, a choreographer; TOM, a businessman; RON, a patient; TODD,
CASSANDRA’s son
(A sitting room adjacent to a ballroom where a wedding reception
is in full swing. Three easy chairs, one facing the audience,
the other two downstage and facing each other, such that there
is a three-chair seating area. Each chair has a small side
table.
VERNA and MITCH enter from behind a screen or curtain which will
serve as offstage. MITCH carries a crossword puzzle book and a
pen. VERNA helps him get settled into the chair facing the
audience. He puts book and pen on the side table).
From this point on, the other characters come in and out of this sitting room interacting with Mitch, but
Mitch pays very little heed to any of them unless he is actively coerced into it.
BIFOCALS AUDITION – THANKS, MITCH
MITCH, WANDA, WALT, LUCY
(WANDA enters with two glasses of wine, sets one down on MITCH’s
table and goes to chair DSR, sits.)
WANDA
I told Verna I was coming in here to get off my feet for a few
minutes, and she asked me to bring you some wine. (Reaches over
and pats his knee.) So, Mitchell, how is my favorite brother-inlaw? Paul and I are so grateful to you and Verna for all the
help you’ve been in planning Christy’s wedding. And we still
have another one to go. Becky and Logan have picked a date
about this time next year. And this time last year, we were
celebrating your Sandy’s wedding. Of course, we’re just the
peripherals. Thank goodness, their parents do most of the work.
What does it say about us, Mitch,that we’ve lived long enough to
dance at our grandchildren’s weddings? (She lifts her wine
glass and extends it toward MITCH; he lifts his and clinks it on
hers as she speaks) To grandchildren who still believe in
marriage. (He nods, they sip.)
(WALT and LUCY enter arguing. LUCY has a shoulder bag.)
WALT
You don’t get to make that call.
I’m the choreographer.
LUCY
But I’m the musical director. I get a say in anything you do.
WALT
Not according to my contract. I have full creative control over
all the dances. Oh, hi, Mitch. Wanda. (Nods and
acknowledgements all around.)
WANDA
Sounds like some creative differences floating around.
LUCY
You know the Yankee Doodle Dixie Players are putting on that new
musical “Star Crossed Banjos”? Takes place in West Virginia.
It’s the old Hatfields and McCoys feud updated with a sort of
Romeo and Juliet theme except that this time, there’s a happy
ending.
WANDA
Yes, I do know. In fact, I got a callback myself. I auditioned
for the role of Old Granny Annie. Paula said you guys were
rounding out the creative team.
LUCY
Paula’s a great director; we’re both happy to be working with
her, but it appears we’re having trouble working with each
other.
WALT
Yeah, apparently someone I know is a bit of a control freak and
only wants things done her way.
LUCY
Excuse me? I don’t believe I’m the one who just moments ago
spoke of creative control. Looks like more than one of us is on
intimate terms with control.
WANDA
As a possible actor in the show, I’m up to my ears in curiosity
here. What’s the issue?
WALT
We’ve got a song that goes with a dance, and I think the dance
should precede the words. We dance, then we sing.
LUCY
And I think we should sing and then dance.
WANDA
What does Paula say?
LUCY
She says for us to work it out, and if we can’t then she’ll look
at it both ways and decide.
WANDA
That seems reasonable enough.
WALT
Yeah, but it sure would save a lot of time if Lucy would just be
reasonable and agree with me.
LUCY
Well, let’s ask Wanda which way she likes it better. She’s had
a lot of experience in musical theater. And she’s probably going
to play Annie, so she’ll be part of the song and dance, herself.
WALT
All right.
Set it up.
WANDA
Set what up?
(Lucy pulls a portable CD player -- or an iPod -- from her bag,
puts it on the table by the DSR chair, and plugs in speakers.)
LUCY
This song comes near the end of the play
happy ending. We’re using existing music
You’ll recognize the tune, but these are
WANDA a sheet of paper). See if you can
sing. Walt, would you sing, too?
and celebrates the
with new lyrics.
the new words. (hands
follow along while I
WALT
(Rolls his eyes) Okay.
(Lucy starts the CD and we hear the music of “Ode to Joy,” (not
the words). She and WALT sing new words, and WANDA soon joins
in.)
Star crossed banjos,
Star crossed lovers
Feuding fam’lies,
Years of hate.
Life was hard there,
‘Til the youngsters
Fell in love
And changed their fate.
Then the lovers, star crossed lovers,
Shattered the chains that held them fast.
No more feud, now, no more fighting.
Love and harmony at last.
WANDA
Wow, it really is a happy ending. There’s a twist. Are you sure
you’re allowed to do that? To let it end happily?
LUCY
It’s about time, don’t you think? I know the song is a little
simplistic, but it’s just supposed to be a feel-good wrapup to
the story.
WANDA
A feel-good wrapup is a good thing.
WALT
I agree. Are you ready to let me show you the dance? Play it
again, Lucy, and you can dance with me, if you would.
LUCY
Sure. (starts music again and joins WALT, who does a few simple
line-dance steps. They stop the music and WALT shows WANDA the
steps without the music.)
WALT
We need another man. (Goes to MITCH and gently pulls him out of
his chair.) Come on, Mitch, we need you.
MITCH
What? (Not in terms of “what did you say?” but more like
“what’s going on?”)
WALT
We need you to dance with us. Here, watch what I do. (does the
steps to the first four or so beats, and when MITCH tries to
follow, he gets off beat.) That’s good, Mitch, but you’re not
quite with the beat. It goes like this. (claps hands for the
four beats. MITCH claps with him the second time. They try
again, and this time, MITCH gets it.) Good, Mitch, good.
That’s it. That’s great! Okay, all four of us. This same
routine twice. (The four of them do the first four beats and
then repeat.) That’s great. You guys are naturals. Okay, now
the next four. (They keep going like this through three sets of
steps, and then returning to the original steps for the end.)
LUCY
Not bad, Walt. Ready to put it to music?
WALT
What do you think, Wanda? You ready?
WANDA
Sure. Let’s go for it.
Mitch?
WALT
You ready for music?
MITCH
(Shrugs) Ummm…..well…
WALT
Great! Let’s do it. (Lucy starts music. At first, Mitch can’t
follow, but Walt claps the beat again and all dance the whole 32
measures.)
WANDA
That was fun, Walt. It’s a good dance.
to follow.
Lots of moves but simple
LUCY
So which should be first. The singing or the dancing?
WANDA
I don’t know. (Thinking) Let’s do it again.
LUCY
(Goes to CD player.) Everybody ready? (Starts music)
(LUCY, WALT, and WANDA start to sing and MITCH starts to dance.
WANDA joins MITCH and then WALT and LUCY join in. They do the
entire song, singing and dancing at the same time. At the end,
WALT and LUCY look at each other, laugh uproariously, and fall
into each other’s arms in a bear hug.)
WALT
Mitch, you’re a genius. An outright genius. Because I’m a
dancer, it never crossed my mind that we could sing and dance at
the same time.
LUCY
Yes, Mitch, it’s perfect. It solves our problem and improves
the action at the same time. Isn’t it wonderful, Wanda? Isn’t
Mitch stupendous?
WANDA
Good old Mitchell always has a surprise up his sleeve.
BIFOCALS AUDITION – THANKS, MITCH/ MITCH, CASSANDRA, TODD, JULIA
MITCH
Five letter word for inebriated.
That’s easy. Drunk.
(Cassandra floats into the room on champagne wings. Yes, she’s
drunk. She holds a wine glass high above her head as she dances
around.)
CASSANDRA
Mitchell, Mitchell, my love, your lovely wife told me you were
in here. She asked me to respect your privacy and your need for
peace and quiet, but I thought, how very shortsighted of her,
really. Why, you and I have known each other since Mrs. Jones’s
kindergarten class. Mitchell and Cassandra, Cassandra and
Mitchell. (guzzles from her glass) My children say I’m old as
Methuselah, but that’s just not so. I’ve looked at Methuselah’s
driver’s license, and he’s a full year and half older than I am.
What’s that you’re working on, Mitchell? (Comes around in front
of him and lifts up his book so she can see what it is.)
Crossword puzzles! I loooooove crossword puzzles. (Goes around
behind him and leans over his shoulder.) Look, here’s one
that’s almost all the way filled in. E-N-blank-E-R-T-blankblank-N. What’s the clue? Let me see, 28 across: perform for an
audience.
MITCH
Entertain.
CASSANDRA
Entertain! Yes! Yes! (Moves away from Mitch and goes downstage,
floats back and forth as she says – and slurs – her words.) In
all honesty, Mitchell, I didn’t come in here just to say hello
to you. I came to practice the song I will sing to the happy
couple in just a little while. You know, of course, that I am
quite the singer. Oh, yes, I have added my voice to choirs and
choruses all up and down the east coast. And the solos I’ve
performed. Why, Mitchell, I don’t have enough fingers and toes
to count. But I’ve come in here to practice, and practice, I
must. (Sets down her wine glass on one of the tables and strikes
a dramatic pose facing the audience. Launches in to “Let Me Call
You Sweetheart” or a similar love song, preferably in public
domain. She doesn’t go so far as to totally butcher it, but she
doesn’t miss by much.)
MITCH
Eleven letters. The blank Seven. Hmmm.
bit louder than usual) Magnificent!
Magnificent? Yes. (A
CASSANDRA
(Brightens up.) Oh, Mitchell, you’re too kind. Maybe just one
more chorus. (She starts again as TODD enters.)
TODD
(Quickly comes to CASSANDRA, takes her arm gently, which breaks
into her song.) Mother, Mother.
CASSANDRA
(Dramatically) Yes, Todd? Can’t you see I’m performing? No, I’m
entertaining. That’s what Mitchell said. I’m entertaining.
TODD
And beautifully, too, Mother. In fact, you’ve entertained so
well for so long, now, that you’re entitled to some time off.
Why not take five?
CASSANDRA
Why, what an idea! Time off? Now? At the wedding?
promised Christy I would sing at her wedding.
You know I
TODD
The wedding’s over, Mom. We’re at the reception.
CASSANDRA
Oh, the reception. Yes, with the champagne. Fetch me some
champagne, darling. See how empty poor Mommy’s glass is? (She
holds glass upside down, and it is, indeed, empty.)
MITCH
Seven letters. A choice between unpleasant alternatives.
Dilemma.
TODD
Why don’t you come to the bar with me? We can get you another
glass of bubbly, then put your coat on and go out into the fresh
air. The ride home is lovely this time of evening.
CASSANDRA
How very droll you are, dearest Todd. The ride home, indeed.
Why, I haven’t sung to Christy and Matthew yet. I’ll just run
through it one more time. (Launches into song again.)
TODD
(Takes her by both shoulders and gently turns her to face him.
She stops singing.) Oh, Mother, you don’t need to practice any
more. Why, you couldn’t get any better. I bet Christy and Matt
would love to meet you out in the garden and hear your song
there.
CASSANDRA
But then what of the other guests?
selfish!
MITCH
Eight letter word for uselessness.
I wouldn’t dream of being so
Mm-hmm. Futility.
TODD
Mitch, old buddy, you’re spooking me now. You and that
crossword puzzle are right out of the Twilight Zone. (Makes the
doo-doo-doo-doo sound of the old TV show.)
CASSANDRA
(singing) Doo-be-doo-be-doo, exchanging glances, doo-be-doo-bedoo, what were the chances, we would fall in love before the
night was through?
(From offstage)
JULIA
Todd?
TODD
In here, Julia.
(JULIA enters, heads straight for CASSANDRA)
JULIA
Oh, Cassandra, there you are. We’ve been waiting for you. (She
and Todd exchange gestures which say, what are you doing, and
just trust me.) Oh, my, dear, your makeup has just about
disappeared. And your hair has become mussed. Quick, let’s go
to the ladies room and let me help you spruce up.
CASSANDRA
Why, Julia, you absolute darling. Todd, you didn’t tell me I
had gotten mussed up. Suppose I had gone out there to sing like
this. Oh, Julia, what do men know? Come along, dear. Todd, I
just love your wife more and more every day.
(CASSANDRA starts toward exit. JULIA turns back toward TODD who
is exaggeratedly bowing to her as in obeisance. She grins. Goes
to TODD and playfully pinches his cheek.)
JULIA
You owe me one, big guy.
TODD
You name it, Light-of-my-Life, and it’s yours. (JULIA exits.)
MITCH
Eleven letter word for being set free.
so. Deliverance.
Is it…mmm…yes, I think
(TODD walks over to MITCH, scratching his head as he goes.)
TODD
I don’t know what’s going on with you and that puzzle book,
Mitch, but this is just plain scary. If you don’t mind, I’m
getting outta here. (Exits. Mitch watches him go then smiles and
shakes his head.)
BIFOCALS AUDITION – THANKS, MITCH
MITCH, RON, GRACIE
(RON and GRACIE enter holding hands. RON sits in chair DSL,
Gracie DSR.)
GRACIE
You have to tell me, Ron. It’s not fair to keep it from me. In
thirty-three years of marriage, we’ve never kept secrets. (They
both look at MITCH who pays no attention to them at all.) We
can talk, Ron. I don’t think we’re going to bother Mitch.
RON
You know I’m going to tell you, Gracie. But I only found out
this morning. I’m not really holding back. I just needed a
little time to think about what it might mean.
GRACIE
That was the call you took from Dr. Fratelli? (Ron nods.) What
did he tell you, Ron? Come on, honey, don’t make me drag it out
of you. You went in for a routine annual checkup yesterday, and
your doctor’s phone call this morning has upset you. What’s
going on?
RON
He says for me not to worry, that the mole on my back doesn’t
look particularly dangerous to him. He’s not even planning to do
a biopsy.
GRACIE
But isn’t that good news?
MITCH
Four letter word for look. Hmm. Ends in k, just like look. Ah.
Seek. (Ron and Gracie both turn to look at MITCH, then turn back
to each other.)
RON
It would seem like good news on the surface. But think about
it, Gracie. Doc Fratelli’s pretty old now and he was late
coming up with the right diagnosis for Fred Warren’s angina.
You know we’ve both been watching that mole. Heck, you’ve been
watching it more than I have because you can actually see it. I
have to stand back to a mirror with another mirror in my hand to
see what’s going on with it.
MITCH
Six letter word for part of a minute.
at MITCH, then back at each other.)
Second. (Again they look
GRACIE
So you’re afraid Dr. Fratelli might be missing something
important?
RON
Well, I think that’s a possibility we ought to consider.
Shouldn’t he at least do a biopsy?
GRACIE
You don’t think you’re making too much out of this?
RON
No. Actually, I don’t
GRACIE
I don’t either. I think you’re right to trust your own feelings.
To listen to your own body.
MITCH
Seven letter word for personal thought or judgment. Starts with
o, ends with n. Yes. Opinion. (RON and GRACIE look at MITCH,
then back at each other.)
GRACIE
Seek.
RON
Second.
GRACIE and RON
Opinion. (They grin at each other. Stand, take each other’s two
hands in theirs.) Thanks, Mitch. (Exit hand in hand. MITCH
watches them go.)