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Gay or Straight:
Differences in Romantic Same-Sex and Opposite-Sex Relationships
Alexandria Patrick
University of Kentucky
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Abstract
Romantic relationships come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and genders. The following
literature review compares articles concerning how the communications characteristics of
romantic same-sex relationships differ from romantic opposite-sex relationships. All the
relationships discussed are on a romantic and intimate level between gays/lesbians and
heterosexuals. There were three basic themes that reoccured throughout the studies found. The
first theme was the high level of jealousy that occurs within romantic relationships. The second
theme was the stress of defining a post-dissolutional relationship. A third and final theme was the
difference in characteristics of relational maintenance. The research explored the ways (if any)
that same-sex and opposite-sex romantic relationships differed within any of these three
categories. Directly following the discussion of the common themes is a research evaluation and
suggestions for future research on defining differences between romantic same-sex and opposite
sex relationships.
Keywords: same-sex, opposite-sex, romantic relationships, jealousy, dissolution, relational
maintenance
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Gay or Straight:
Differences in Romantic Same-Sex and Opposite-Sex Relationships
According to Aylor (2008), more than 10 million Americans identify themselves as gay or
lesbian, with 30% of those disclosing that they are in a committed relationship and/or sharing a
residence with their partner. Countless numbers of studies have been done on romantic oppositesex relationships, while minimal research has been conducted on romantic same-sex
relationships– even with the extremely high number of individuals identifying as homosexual
today. There are multiple reasons to examine these relationships, with a prominent being the
unique challenges they face: internalized discrimination, lack of government recognition, and
lack of social support to name a few (Aylor, 2008). How do the communications characteristics
of romantic same-sex relationships differ (if at all) from romantic opposite-sex relationships?
This literature review will explore three major themes to consider such as the role of jealousy, the
defining of a post-dissolutional relationship, and and relational maintenance of keeping a happy,
healthy romance alive. The literature review will also include research evaluations and directions
for future research such as how chosen gender roles change the dynamics of communication
characteristics within a romantic relationship.
Jealousy
Romantic jealousy is defined by Aylor (2008) as “the reaction to a perceived threat to the
exclusive romantic nature of the relationship. It is multidimensional, consisting of cognitive,
emotional, and behavioral jealousy.” This definition applies to both same-sex and opposite-sex
romances. The social stigmas and discrimination gay and lesbian couples face today become
internalized and oppressed, leading to negative relational and emotion consequences such as low
self-esteem, fear of self-disclosure, lack of social support, and lack of openness and comfort in
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romantic relationships (Aylor, 2008). According to Adler and Proctor (2013), positivity and
openness are two necessities for maintaining a healthy romantic relationship. Specifically, lack of
openness and fear of self-disclosure can lead to cognitive and emotional jealousy within both
types of relationships. The experience of said jealousy strongly affects the relational goals of both
parties within a romantic relationship. Aylor (2008) discovered a number of antisocial responses
to jealousy within a romantic same-sex relationship, a few being violent communication,
relationship threats, and manipulation.
Bevan and Lannutti (2002) conducted a similar study and found that manipulation was the
most common response in those individuals in opposite-sex romantic relationships and within
gay men. Antics of manipulation within both same-sex and opposite-sex romantic relationships
include attempts to make the other partner feel the same turmoil and/or jealousy the other partner
feels (Aylor, 2008). Bevan and Lannutti (2002) also found that same-sex and opposite-sex
individuals found their partners' emotional jealousy to be equally distressing. Their studies
revealed that one's sexual orientation didn't significantly influence the intensity level of jealousy
(Bevan & Lannutti, 2002). Although they did find that gay male romantic partners responded to
jealousy with violent communication and threats to a greater extent than did opposite-sex
partners and lesbians. All in all, between the studies conducted by both Aylor (2008) and Bevan
and Lannutti (2002) concluded that there were very few differences between same-sex and
opposite-sex romantic relationships on the subject of jealousy.
Post-Dissolutional Relationship
The redefinition of a romantic relationship into a post-dissolution relationship may be one
of the most challenging factors of same-sex and opposite-sex relationships (Lannutti & Cameron,
2002). Same-sex romantic relationships often exist in a type of environment that doesn't easily
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condone, rarely encourages, and has few relational role models to offer. In other words, gay and
lesbian couples don't usually have other couples to mimic their romance after. The differences in
the social context of same-sex and opposite-sex romantic relationships have shown to lead to
significant differences in the qualities and influences of post-dissolutional relationships (Lannutti
& Cameron, 2002); although there has been no evidence found that gay and lesbian partners
differed from opposite-sex couples in reasons for the termination of the relationship (Kurdek,
1997). Common reasons for termination of a romantic relationship within the context of samesex and opposite-sex romantic couples remain the same. The six main factors found by Kurdek
(1997) are negative references to individuals involved (unhappiness), changes in relationship
roles (relational responsibilities became unbalanced), lack of relational cohesion and intimacy
(loss of emotional commitment), negative interpersonal interactions (dysfunctional interpersonal
communication), negative third-party involvement (infidelity), and references to external factors
beyond control of the partners (necessary relocation due to career) (Kurdek, 1997).
Same-sex partners reported much greater difficulty negotiating the current relationship
with one's ex-partner (Lannutti & Cameron, 2002). The dissolution of a same-sex relationship
requires much more effort than does an opposite-sex relationship due to the difficulty of
maintaining a relationship while having to overcome social stigmas and discrimination (Haas &
Stafford, 1998). The usual characteristics of relationship termination don't necessarily apply to
same-sex couples. The main issue is whether or not the couple was “out” as being together. In
other words, whether or not the couple made it publicly and socially known that they were a
romantic couple. Due to todays social stigmas against open gay and lesbian relationships, many
couples choose to keep their commitment a secret. When it comes time for the relationship to
end, there's a sense of confusion as to how the ex-partners are to grave-dress the situation.
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Lannutti and Cameron (2002) found that personal variables such as amount of liking for one's expartner, uniqueness of the relationship, and hope for romantic renewal were the strongest
predictors of post-dissolutional relationship qualities in both same-sex and opposite-sex romantic
relationships. Again, these studies find that the differences between same-sex and opposite-sex
romantic couples on the subject of the post-dissolutional relationship are minimal.
Relationship Maintenance
Adler and Proctor (2013) define relational maintenance as all communication that keeps a
relationship healthy and happy, and a healthy relationship requires maintenance. Haas and
Stafford (1998) along with Adler and Proctor (2013) both found five primary relationship
maintenance strategies used in both same-sex and opposite-sex romantic relationships: positivity,
openness, assurance, shared tasks, and social networks. Gays and lesbians utilize specific
maintenance strategies to help them overcome social stigmas and the lack of wide-spread social
acceptance; two behaviors emerged from Haas and Stafford's (1998) study: gay/lesbian
supportive environments and being the same as opposite-sex couples/being “out” as a couple.
Supportive environments are vital for gay and lesbian couples, as it gives them the opportunity to
live, work, and socialize in environments where other gay and lesbian couples interact and are
accepted. Many gay and lesbian couples strive to have a relationship as similar to a opposite-sex
relationship as possible. Each partner in a gay or lesbian relationship views their partner just the
same as an opposite-sex couple would, and many of them strive to model their parents' marriage:
to be happy and healthy together (Haas & Stafford, 1998).
For gay and lesbian romantic relationships, “coming out” as a couple mirrors the same
characteristic as an opposite-sex couple introducing one another to friends and family as
“boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” The prominence of introducing one's gay or lesbian partner to friends
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and family has a large impact on the health of the relationship as a whole. The social stigmas in
our society today can cause heightened fear when one is concerned about social disapproval of a
gay or lesbian relationship (Haas and Stafford, 1998). Situations such as these within gay and
lesbian couples can cause the need for more than the primary relational maintenance strategies,
seeing as they face more issues within their relationship than do opposite-sex romantic couples.
On the subject of relational maintenance when it comes to same-sex and opposite-sex romantic
couples, differences arise between the two due to social stigmas and lack of wide-spread social
approval of same-sex romances.
Research Evaluation
Overall, same-sex romantic relationships don't act much different from opposite-sex
romantic relationships, other than a few maintenance behaviors due to the need for same-sex
couples to confine to the social stigmas that exist in our society today. This result did not surprise
me in the least, and was consistent with my personal experiences with gay, lesbian, and
heterosexual romantic couples. A romantic relationship is a romance, no matter the orientation of
the parties involved. There were limitations found in each study presented in this literature
review. Lannutti and Cameron's (2002) research on post-dissolutional relationships only
evaluated the dissolution of one ex-partner of each individual interviewed. Also, they only
studied the responses of the individual, not the couple as a whole. Putting the two ex-partners
together during interviews could change the entire dynamic of the study's results. Every study
that included the variable of social stigmas on gay and lesbian relationships never went into
detail on a definite meaning of the term “social stigma.” Each researcher made the assumption
that each to read their research study would know the meaning of the term. Kurdek (1997) notes
that the samples of gay, lesbian, and heterosexual relationships he gathered information on
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weren't a valid representation of their larger couple groups. Also in context of all the research
studies included in this literature review, gender roles were never taken into consideration. When
researchers referred to “gay men” and their specific characteristics, it was never specified which
gender role the man associates with. This fact could also change the results of most of the studies
included.
Conclusion
Same-sex romantic relationships are slowly becoming more of an interest to researchers
and the general public. As there aren't currently a large number of studies on same-sex romances,
many more should be taken into consideration– noting the plethora of research studies done on
opposite-sex romantic relationships. Also, communications researchers should consider
performing all studies that have been done on opposite-sex relationships, and perform each on
the basis of same-sex relationships. More differences between the two types of relationships will
most likely be found, and it would also begin to silence the social stigmas and discrimination
against same-sex relationships in society today. More research on same-sex romantic
relationships should be performed and broadcasted to the public, seeing as lack of knowledge and
information is a major factor fueling social stigmas.
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References
Adler, R.B. & Proctor, R.F. (2013). Looking out, looking in. Mason, OH: Cengage Learning.
Aylor, B. (2008). Jealousy experience and expression in same-sex relationships. Unpublished
conference paper presented at the Nation Communication Association, Washington D.C.
Bevan, J.L. & Lannutti, P.J. (2002). The experience and expression of romantic jealousy in samesex and opposite-sex romantic relationships. Communication Research Reports, 19, 258268.
Haas, S.M. & Stafford, L. (1998). An initial examination of maintenance behaviors in gay and
lesbian relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15, 846-855.
Kurdek, L.A. (1997). Adjustment to relationship dissolution in gay, lesbian, and heterosexual
partners. Personal Relationships, 4, 145-161.
Lannutti, P.J. & Cameron, K.A. (2002). Beyond the breakup: Heterosexual and homosexual postdissolutional relationships. Communication Quarterly, 50, 153-170.