HANDY TIPS FOR ALL
OPEN WITH WORD THEN GO TO THE EDIT SUBMENU AND CLICK ON FIND THEN SEARCH FOR A
WORD AND YOU SHOULD FIND A TIP ON THAT SUBJECT… SHOULD!
IF YOU'RE Catholic and your Mum and you are unpacking and she finds your
diaphragm, simply tell her it's a bathing cap for your cat.
CLUMSY? Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the same
movement several times to make it look like a normal part of your behaviour.
PUB-GOERS! A handy way to get some seats in a Dublin hostelry on a Friday night
is to run in one door out of breath, and ask if anybody's seen a fat, naked,
bald, Tibetan man run through giving away one hundred pound notes. Run back out
swearing, but then re-enter immediately via another door.
AU PAIRS! Don't forget that Ireland is now a very laid back and liberated
country. When you arrive here you won't learn about our language and culture by
doing mundane housework. No, instead you will really need to stay in bed all
day, watch a large amount of daytime TV and use the phone to ring your friends a
lot if it doesn't have itemised billing. If you are from outside the EU you may
also want to strengthen relations between our countries by becoming pregnant via
the family's 16-year-old lad who's probably called Luke/Alistair/Big Boy.
MORE FUN IN THE CUBE FARM! Find the complete works of Shakespeare on the Web,
then hit "Print". Two days later when it's all done and your Marketing Manager
has stopped whining, tell him/her that all you wanted was one line.
FOOL YOUR next-door neighbours into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.
EMPLOYMENT TIP #127 - never take a beer to a job interview.
SAFETY CONSCIOUS? Fumes from a burning couch can be lethal, so before sitting
down always plan your escape route in the event of a fire.
DISGRUNTLED OFFICE WORKERS! If you have to work for an unpopular project
manager, one way to get rid of them is to hold a raffle, offering the project
manager as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for
charity.
DUSTY CARPETS? Call a vacuum cleaner salesman for a demo. Have him show you how
the machine works in all parts of the house. Don't always call the same company
though... keep a chart and rotate.
HEAVY SMOKERS! Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.
PARENTS WITH ANNOYING KIDS! Make your toddlers stand in a cupboard for ten
minutes at a time without moving. Tell them it's good practice for being in
lifts.
I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I never suffer from cramp.
OLYMPIC ATHLETES! Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing
drugs by simply running a little slower and then letting someone else win!
SHOPPERS! Why carry bulky shopping bags around with you or pay for expensive
carrier bags or that new tax on plastic bags? Instead, I always eat my groceries
at the checkout. It not only saves pounds on bags but has also reduced my gas
bill.
OFFICE WORKERS! Want to move to a bigger desk? Simply keep a pet tarantula in a
jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your supervisor asks, just
say: "Oh, dum-de-dum-de-dum, she's around here somewhere."
FOR MANY YEARS I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights
beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly
good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner, saving money and staying
warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic
stockings and suspenders.
CREATE A MORE relaxing atmosphere in your fridge by installing a dimmer switch.
STOP BIRDS nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your
neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
GIRLS! Don't bother with a new dress for that all-important first date. After
all, all he's interested in is seeing you in the nip.
NEED TIME OFF WORK? Simply phone your office and say you can't come in because
you're sick. If they ask "How sick are you?", simply reply: "Well, I'm in bed
with my sister as we speak."
WATCHING A BORING FA CUP REPLY ON TV WITH YOUR GRANDPA? If your team score and
they show the instant replay and grandpa thinks they scored another one, don't
tell him - the game *he* is watching is probably far better.
SKINFLINTS! Fill a Shredded
inexpensive Brillo pad!
Wheat
with
pink
soap
and,
hey
presto
-
an
HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of your house.
Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass through will remind you to
close the door behind you.
PENSIONERS! Liven up those long winter evenings - reminisce with people you
don't actually know.
LADS! Keep wives and girlfriends on their toes by murmuring the names of other
women while pretending to be asleep.
ORCHESTRA CONDUCTORS! Never ever look at the trombones (you'll only encourage
them).
LASSES! Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway!
OFFICE WORKERS! If your office has those ceiling tiles that hide the ugly
girders holding up the next floor above, simply lift a free tile and put a 1lb
bag of flour on the back of the next tile. Wait to see the look of surprise the
next time the Electrician comes to change the lightbulbs etc.
MEAN CAVAN BASTARDS! Save money on expensive earrings by sticking Polos or
sugared almonds to your ear with blue-tack or a staple-gun!
HELP the Samaritans by sending them 'problem pages' cut out of old magazines.
They will then be in a position to help if they encounter any similar problems
themselves.
HUSBANDS! One simple way to keep
housekeeping money to the ceiling.
your
wife
on
her
toes
is
to
nail
the
TOURISTS! On entering Sydney international airport, you may be stopped by an
Immigration Officer. If he asks: "Do you have a criminal record?", simply reply
politely: "Oh, I didn't know you still needed one!"
AUSTRALIAN PARENTS! Your new baby girl might be a beaut, but never ever name her
Sheila. Think about it.
GARDENERS! Edge your lawn into the shape of a pair of trousers then mow it in
lines so it looks exactly like a huge pair of green corduroy trousers. Pockets
can simply be added by planting small flowerbeds.
MUSIC LOVERS! Play pintsize Donegal popstar Enya's new hit LP "One Day Without
Rain" backwards. Well, we did and it sounds better that way.
HOUSE GUESTS will think that your fingernails grow really quickly if you cut up
a tabletennis ball, and scatter small pieces around your bathroom sink every
morning.
PENSIONERS! Don't forget to retire to bed before 8 p.m. to get up tomorrow at
the crack of dawn and go and collect your Irish Independent while anyone who's
not an eejit is still sound asleep in bed. Then go back to the scratcher until
your free bus pass becomes valid.
IF YOU GET pulled over by the guards and they say: "Do you know the speed limit
here is 55 miles per hour?", simply remind them: "Don't worry, Guard, I'm not
actually going that far."
DISAFFECTED WAGE SLAVES! Why rob biros and notebooks from the stationary
cupboard? A much better Christmas present is a Zip disk - it's even smaller and
costs piles more. RAM chips are great too, though you'll have to open the
computer case. Or work your way up to laptops, and even a small server.
STOP SQUIRRELS and birds taking food from your bird table this winter by placing
the food inside a biscuit tin, then securing the lid with heavy duty gaffer
tape.
BUSY MUMS! A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of children's shoes
allows them to be towed effortlessly around supermarkets.
TV VIEWERS! Avoid the frustration of losing your remote control unit by keeping
it in a "cowboy" style holster, fashioned out of a child's sock and an old belt.
BLUE PETER VIEWERS! Dress your teddy bear up as a Viking with a horned helmet on
his head. A large Fairy Liquid bottle cut in two can be turned into a highly
realistic Viking longship by using a sharp knife, but ask a parent to do this
bit.
OFFICE PRANKSTERS! Liven up your pre-Christmas workplace by filing all work
requests under "Bah humbug". Then play Jingle Bells on the push-button telephone
(it runs up an incredible long-distance bill!)
PETTY TYRANT DICTATOR BASTARDS! Keep your subjects permanently locked in a
mindless trance. Simply provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
access.
OFFICE DIY ENTHUSIASTS AND SKINFLINTS! Make your own tinsel to decorate the
office by running aluminum cooking foil through the "Confidential Documents
Only" paper shredder.
IF YOU LIKE GADGETS... buy a humidifier and a dehumidifier, then put them in the
same room and watch them fight it out!
OFFICE PRANKSTERS! Send email messages to your fellow workers saying "Free
pizza, free beers etc in the office kitchen in 10 minutes". When they complain
that there was none, just lean back, pat your tummy and say: "Oh you've got to
be faster than that!"
KIDS! A handy way to make extra pocket money is to erect traffic signs around
your living room. If your mum and dad don't obey them, give them tickets.
Confiscate something your parent owns until s/he pays the tickets.
SUCK THE EYES from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster". The
zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be despatched by the usual methods at
a more leisurely pace
ONE WAY TO cut down on all the useless messages you have to listen to on your
answerphone is to make a recording of an engaged tone.
INDIGNANT UK MOTORISTS! There's no point in getting hot under the collar about
fuel prices. When you think about it a bit more calmly, petrol always costs 10
quid!
PENSIONERS! Avoid confusion between those new "microwave" ovens and your TV set
by cutting out a large letter "M" in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to
the oven door.
YOU KNOW HOW they now put adverts and all kinds of rubbish in with your bills?
Fight back by replying to their Freepost address, and put actual rubbish in with
your letter such as used teabags and banana skins. Don't forget to write: "Could
you ever throw this away for me? Thanks lads!"
PUT GAFFER TAPE on the mirrors in your house so you don't accidentally walk
through into another dimension.
HENPECKED HUSBANDS! One way to smuggle whiskey out of your house for a seasonal
Christmas tipple is to pour it down the sink and collect it in a saucepan under
the drainpipe.
AN EXTRA SOURCE of some spare cash this Christmas is to organise your office
party at McDonald's, but charge each person two or three quid more than the
actual cost and pocket the difference.
A GREAT SEASONAL GIFT to give city-centre beggars is chocolate coins! They get
paid AND fed at the same time!
IF YOUR WATCH is three hours fast, and you can't fix it, and you happen to live
in Ireland or the UK, a quick solution is simply to move to Kiev.
SLIMMING? Keep an eye on the difference between your target weight and existing
weight and by cutting out pictures of a slim person and a fat person from
magazines, substitute your own face and tape the results to your fridge door.
FREAK OUT SALES ASSISTANTS! When they ask if they can help, say, "Have you got
anything I'd like?" Then when they ask you what size you need, simply say,
"Extra medium please."
ART-LOVERS! Make your next visit to the gallery more enjoyable by naming the
untitled paintings... Boy With Bucket... Cat On Fire etc.
IF YOU GET A microwave fireplace in your house, then you can lie down in front
of the fire for the evening in just two minutes.
IF YOU GET a new phone set at home this Christmas, take it out of the box, hook
it up and press redial. The phone has a nervous breakdown!
SKINFLINT PARENTS! Why shell out on a toy train for your offspring this
Christmas? Give them a "toy metro" instead - just explain that they won't be
able to actually see anything, though every now and then you should make a loud
rumbling noise.
KEEP MONKEYS out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your
bedroom.
MAKE a miniature "mouse trap" for flies by using a spring-loaded wooden clothes
peg, baited with a yergin (hold on - what's a yergin when it's at home???)
ACCIDENT PRONE? About 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home. So
avoid the problem altogether by simply moving 10 miles away.
SMELL GAS? A quick way to locate the suspected leak is to strike an ordinary
match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
WHEN CARRYING a cup of tea from one room to the other, always add a spoonful of
cornflour. This will thicken it up and prevent it from spilling on the carpet.
DON'T WASTE hundreds of pounds having that tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name
removed from your arm by painful laser surgery. Instead, simply give your new
girlfriend 85 quid to change her name legally by deed poll to the name on the
tattoo.
ECONOMIC CONSULTANTS! If you weigh toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and
record their weight after each visit to the loo, then on each occasion deduct
the new weight from their previous weight, the figure remaining will be the
exact weight of toilet tissue which you have used on that particular "visit"!
GIVE YOUR friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking
frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your
lower eyelids.
WINEMAKERS! Fed up of waiting for ages for your wine to mature? Speed up the
process by making it out of raisins.
EVIL CRIMELORD BASTARDS! Make sure your henchmen have helmets that are faceconcealing and fear-inspiring, but they are coded to the owner's DNA that will
fry anybody else who puts it on.
PENSIONERS! Fed up of having to go upstairs? Cut down on those journeys by
having paintings on your ceilings of the rooms above.
EVIL BASTARD CRIMELORDS! Make sure your legions of terror have helmets with
clear Plexiglas visors, not those face-concealing ones that all your enemies
from Pierce Brosnan to Arnie Schwarzenegger can infiltrate your organisation
with.
PLASTIC TOPS from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil or hamster.
EVIL CRIMELORDS! Always cremate your slain enemies - don't leave them for dead
at the bottom of the cliff. And this time defer the announcement of their deaths
(as well as any accompanying celebration) until well after you've scattered the
ashes.
PUT HEADPHONES on your flatmate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach
him/her to speak Spanish, play the banjo, and memorise all the major imports and
exports of each African nation.
MOST LIBRARIES have telephone directories for all the areas. Check one out and
find a person with the same name as your boss. Then drop in to the post office
and file a "change of address" for them, forwarding their mail to them somewhere
on the other side of the country.
OFFICE WORKERS! When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office,
mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
ONE WAY TO confuse your boss is to put your headphones on whenever he/she comes
into the office, and to talk in a loud voice. Then remove your headphones when
he or she leaves. Works every time.
WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME? A handy alternative to an expensive time machine is to
put instant coffee in a microwave oven.
HOUSEWIVES! The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price
of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat
pocket.
HOUSEHOLDERS! One way to see your way around your home during a power cut is to
use the flash on your camera. The neighbours will also think there is lightning
in your house.
SHOPPERS! Take your latest binbag of rubbish to the supermarket. That way you
can quickly work out which items you have recently run out of.
PARANOID? Keep a hammer close to your bed - in case any nails fall out of the
ceiling at night.
FED UP OF THE WEATHER MAN? Confuse him by installing an air conditioning system
backwards, then turn it ON when he predicts warm weather!
JOURNALISTS! One way to stir up controversy and boost your Irish newspaper's
circulation figures is to pretend to be slightly more right-wing than the most
right-wing person you can think of.
AMERICAN TOURISTS IN DUBLIN! Trinity College is well worth visiting - don't
forget to ask for the "Book of Elves".
YOU CAN WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again,
this time carrying your pet. Finally, subtract the first weight from the second
to reveal your pet's weight! (If weighing goldfish, though, remember to make an
allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water).
INTERNATIONAL JET-SETTERS! (2) Liven up that wait at the airport when you arrive
at places such as New York and Boston. If they ask whether you have any firearms
with you, simply reply: "Well, what do you need?"
PENNY PINCHERS! Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name by deed poll to match the existing plate.
FED UP WITH ALL THOSE STUPID OFFICE MEMOS? Buy a pair of walkie-talkies and
carry them with you at all times. Insist that your manager has to use one
whenever he or she wants to communicate with you.
STAR TREK CAPTAINS! When your ship is in imminent danger of being destroyed,
save a great deal of hassle by thinking of the last thing you could possibly
try, which might just work, and do that first.
PLUMBERS! Always have a spare Polo mint or two in your toolbox. They make
excellent "spearmint washers" for drinking water taps - and after a drink they
leave your breath minty fresh.
TOURISTS! To find those "hidden corners" of Ireland, buy a big map of the
island, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a right pain to fold it up though.
OFFICE WORKERS! A chunk of Edam cheese makes a handy desktop "pen cushion". It
can also be nibbled if you become peckish between meals.
DOG OWNERS! If your puppy is at the chewing stage, simply cut the tops off some
Fairy Liquid bottles and stand the legs of tables, chairs etc in them until your
pet is trained.
STYLE CONSCIOUS? An old cornflakes packet is an ideal way to put fashionable
padded shoulders on your blouse in minutes.
MODEL MAKERS AND MEAN GITS! Disused contact lenses make ideal "portholes" for
small model boats.
TEENAGERS! Fed up with posters falling off your bedroom walls? Simply file them
in a filing cabinet under "P" and you'll know exactly where to find them if you
want a quick peek.
A HANDY "drunk-o-meter" to measure when you've had too much to drink when out on
the batter is to put a photo of your mum and dad in your wallet. When you start
to fancy your mum, stop chatting up girls. If you start to fancy your dad, leave
the pub immediately and catch the first bus home. (NB This tip is not advisable
if you still live with your parents).
COMPULSIVE WORRIERS! Overcome your problem by hiring a bloke to be your
"professional worrier" for 500 quid a week. It's the best decision you'll ever
make, and don't panic about to pay him - that's his problem.
MY WIFE and I save hundreds of pounds every year on household wear and tear by
living in a tent in the garden.
THRIFTY MOVIE ACTORS! When entering a kitchen at night, never use the light
switch. Simply open the fridge door and use that light instead.
AIRLINE PILOTS! There's nothing worse than being caught on an 80-foot stepladder
with a coat hanger. So always ask one of the air hostesses to keep a spare set
of keys for the plane in her handbag just in case.
KIDS! An unbreakable toy is very useful for... breaking other toys!
ON A DIET? Fortunately chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so you can eat as many as you want.
GRAMMAR EXPERTS! There are two words pronounced "dying". One means to stain
something and the other means undergoing death. So if someone says "My T-shirt
is in the washing machine, dyeing," think twice before mounting an
"International Rescue" type operation involving the puppets from Thunderbirds.
IF YOU'RE BEING kept awake by the next-door neighbour's dog continuously
barking, sort this out once and for all by putting the dog in your own garden.
See how they like it!
MILK DRINKERS! One way to avoid over-ordering milk is to place your fridge on
the pavement just outside your gate. Then the milkman can check your day-to-day
requirements for himself!
MOTORISTS! If you have picked up some hitch-hikers, spice up the journey by
asking them to put their seatbelts on because you want to try something you saw
in a cartoon once.
BLUES MUSICIANS! One way to start the day on an "up" note is to wake up in the
afternoon, cleverly avoiding all that nasty morning stuff.
PEOPLE FROM SMALL FAMILIES! Now you can pretend you have a really big family.
Simply buy a selection of cheeses, and change your surname to cheese!
DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT PRATTY NEIGHBOUR? Tie a fresh mackerel on a piece of string,
climb up onto your neighbour's roof, and dangle the fish in front of his window.
He'll think his house is underwater!
TELEPHONE COMPANIES! A cheap alternative telephone network can be built by tying
a long piece of string between two tin cans.
SKINFLINTS! Can't afford contact lenses?
clingfilm and press them into your eyes.
Simply
cut
out
small
circles
of
PUB-GOERS! A handy way to get some seats in a crowded hostelry on a Friday night
is to draw a chalk outline (in zig-zag lines) of a dead body on the floor. If
other people inquire, say: "Stand back. Don't panic. It's not what you think."
OFFICE WORKERS! Live up your emails by including a personal note at the end of
every message. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit shagged and grumpy this
Monday" or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest
score ever on Tetris last night..."
TELEPHONE ADDICTS Put an answering machine in your car. But don't forget to
change your outgoing message to something on the lines of: "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
DIY WINE-MAKERS! Don't want to wait ages for your next consignment to mature?
Simply make it out of raisins.
ON A CALORIE-CONTROLLED DIET? Simply store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves.
BOSSES! Get rid of a thick or troublesome employee by paying for them to go off
and do an MBA!
WIG WEARERS! In high winds, secure your toupee by wearing a brightly coloured
party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and
you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.
BANK CUSTOMERS! Put some manners on that bastard bank manager by signing him up
for a large quantity of freepost cards from magazines like "Black-Box And PanelBeaters Ireland Weekly" for free subscriptions. Cards for the more obscure ones
are usually available from your local library or newsagents.
SKINFLINTS! Why waste money on expensive telephone answering machines? When you
leave the house, simply plug your phone into your VCR. Not only will it record
the caller's voice, but you will also get a picture of them speaking, probably.
DIET TIP! Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite and you will eat far less.
IF YOUR FRIEND has a new baby, it's well worth recording all the noises it makes
so that later when it's a bit older you can ask it what it really meant.
IN THE KITCHEN... You can now create a more relaxing atmosphere in your fridge
by installing a dimmer switch.
IF YOU ARE STILL VERY PARANOID ABOUT Y2K... Dig an underground bomb shelter. If
there is no nuclear disaster, at least you'll have a handy and much-talked-about
underground bomb shelter.
HOUSEPROUD? When buying loo paper, unwind each roll carefully and number the
sheets individually using a biro or felt tip pen.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but
beware of bees in the summer.
GARDAI AND OTHER POLICE DEPARTMENTS! Give your officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
If it's good enough for the movies...
SHOPPERS! If your supermarket checkout doesn't have one of those "Next Customer
Please" signs, don't forget to buy a box of Toblerone in advance. It makes an
excellent substitute.
ASIAN CRIME LORDS! The only name to call your beautiful daughter is either
"Jade" or "Lotus Blossom" (well that's what they do in James Bond type spy
films).
ROBBERS! A pricing gun makes an ideal weapon for holding up a supermarket or
department store. Simply request all the money in the safe, "or I'm marking down
everything in the shop".
FORTUNE TELLERS! Try staying up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. We did
- but after we got a full house, four people died.
FASHION CONSCIOUS? If your office still uses Typex, it makes a great substitute
for nail varnish. But make sure your boyfriend doesn't creep up on you while
you're sleeping and writes misspelt words on your nails.
A GOOD WAY to make a new worker feel at home in your office is to tell them that
everyone has tomorrow off because of the boss's "special religious beliefs". See
if they show up the next day anyway.
TRYING TO GET RID OF SOMEONE YOU DON'T LIKE? If they keep talking to you all the
time, simply put some cheese in your ears. That way you can't hear them - and
you'll smell so bad they'll eventually leave you alone!
WEATHERMEN OFTEN use the word "shower" to describe light rain in Ireland. But
it's not the same as your shower (as in "to take a shower"). To avoid confusion,
never wear a raincoat in the bathroom, and never rub soap into your naked body
outdoors (not unless you’re being paid for it at least).
WHAT WITH THE increase in near-misses and mid-air collisions over our busy
skies, it's high time the airlines started fitting bumpbers to their planes especially now that some of them have women pilots.
AMATEUR CHEFS! Apply first aid to injured gingerbread men by dressing any cuts
or scrapes in tagliatelli bandages (but make sure to cook them first of course).
AMATEUR CHEFS! Two pieces of macaroni stuck together make an ideal pair of
binoculars for any wee gingerbread men who express an interest in ornithology.
AMATEUR CHEFS! Create your own "boil-in-the-bag" cod in parsley sauce by
scraping the breadcrumbs off a fishfinger and placing it inside a used condom.
AMATEUR CHEFS! Two spaghetti hoops make an ideal pair of reading glasses for
gingerbread men.
AMATEUR CHEFS! Make edible jumpers for gingerbread men by simply knitting
spaghetti with chopsticks. Hollowed out ravioli also makes ideal mittens for
them.
WORKPLACE PRANKSTERS! Try putting decaf in the office coffeemaker for a
fortnight on the sly. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addiction,
switch to espresso.
PEOPLE WITH HAIR! Never try to use a honeycomb to brush your hair. Though the
word is similar to "comb", the service it provides is almost totally different.
OFFICE WORKERS! A special treat for your colleagues at work is to bring in that
dish that you tried to cook last night but didn't turn out quite right.
PARTY GOERS! If you create a bit of a pong in someone else's loo, disguise it by
lighting a match and setting fire to the nearest handtowel.
LEARNING TO SPEED READ? If you buy Reader's Digest on microfilm, by the time you
get the machine set up, you'll be done anyway.
GIRLS! Just about to go out, but forgotten your hairclips again? Just grab some
coloured pen lids, and slide them into your hair.
DOG-OWNERS! Put contact lenses in your dog's eyes, with little pictures of cats
on them. Then take one out and he will run around in circles.
DOG LOVERS! The next time you get a new dog, name him Stay. There are hours of
fun when you call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
MOTORISTS! Replace the headlights in you car with strobe lights. Then it looks
like you're the only one moving!
BORED? If you have a car, a handy tip is to drive into the city centre, park in
a a great spot, then sit in your car and count how many people ask you if you're
leaving.
SPEEDERS! Wearing a ski-mask at all times makes it much harder for those pesky
traffic camera people to prove you were actually driving the car - even if it's
registered in your name. Alternativelky, get your driver's licence photo taken
out of focus on purpose. Then you get pulled over for speeding, the police
officer will look at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)... and says "Here, you can go."
MOTORISTS! If a garda officer stops you for speeding and asks you why you were
going so fast, simply explain very slowly: "See this thing my foot is on? It's
called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more fuel to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
OLYMPIC SWIMMERS! This might not win you races, but you'll definitely get
noticed: simply make your swimsuit out of sponges! When you leave the pool,
nobody will be able to go swimming in the next race until you come back.
PREMIERSHIP FOOTBALL MANAGERS! One way to improve your team's performances
overnight is to change the names of English players. Simply add an "I" or "O" at
the end of their names. This tip came from Kenini Bateso.
CB RADIO ENTHUSIASTS! If you listen to the garda waveband, you can then dial 999
and dedicate a crime to your girlfriend.
BEER BOTTLE tops, floated upside down in the bath, make ideal "dinghies" for
spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.
E-NTREPRENEURS! Can't think of a single word in English that someone hasn't
stuck an e- in front of and grabbed as a trademark? Either turn to Irish ("eleaba, e-banc") or recycle English words that already begin with "e" (e.g. evacuate, e-xpire or even e-metic).
BRIDESMAIDS! The circles created by a paper punch make a damn fine substitute
for confetti (but avoid punching very thick cardboard)
COMMUTERS! At a time of fuel shortages and traffic blockades why not abandon
your car and use one of those dinky little chrome scooters (about fifty quid)
for that 35-mile commute?
ACTORS! When paying for a taxi, don't bother looking at your wallet as you take
out a banknote - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare (well that's what happens in the movies).
TOURISTS IN AUSTRALIA! While swimming on Bondi Beach, you might hear a siren,
then see the locals running towards the shore. Don't panic - this is just an old
custom to give tourists a bit more room in the shallows. Also remember that the
sharks are very friendly little lads and love to be patted on the nose.
TOURIST OPERA LOVERS IN AUSTRALIA! If you are visiting Sydney Opera House, it is
well worth booking seats in rows A to K. These are specially reserved for flash
photography!
FOODIE TOURISTS IN AUSTRALIA! A local delicacy is Vegemite. This is a mildflavoured chocolate, and should be spread at least one inch thick on sliced
bread.
TOURISTS IN SYDNEY! "T-lane" stands for tourist lane. And while driving across
the harbour bridge you might notice "bureau de change" kiosks handily dotted
along all the lanes. They will change your own currency into Australian dollars,
but don't forget to haggle for the best exchange rates.
TOURISTS DOWN UNDER! Sydneysiders love constructive feedback - especially if
it's given in their favourite accent (English).
STUDENTS! A handy way to get rid of a pesky flatmate is to build an "antfarm",
then let your ants have frequent "jailbreaks", like that new television gameshow
of the same name.
STUDENTS! The simplest way to get rid of that bleedin' awkward flatmate is to
make friends with some Goths, who only wear black (including their eyeshadow and
nailpolish) and sit around listening to shite music with deep, silent
expressions till 4 in the morning. Worked for us anyway.
STUDENTS! If you are stuck with an awkward flatmate, an easy way to get rid of
them is to learn to play the accordion. Also, try brightening up their bedroom
by writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on the ceiling in a fat red marker.
FLAT-DWELLERS! Get back at annoying
hammering a nail into a wall, then
intervals.
neighbours. Simply videotape yourself
play the tape back loudly at random
STUDENTS! One way to get rid of an annoying flatmate is to burn a CD of radio
static, then have "Really Intense Listening Sessions" with it.
PET OWNERS! A wire brush makes an ideal bed of nails for a hamster.
SMOKERS! A handy way to keep your cigarette dry in the shower is to wear a golf
visor between your nose and top lip.
CONVINCE OFFICE COLLEAGUES that they have been drinking. Simply put Sellotape
over the read out of a calculator (it makes the numbers look blurry).
ACTORS IN WAR MOVIES! If you need to pass yourself off as a German officer,
don't panic if you can't speak the language. A German accent will do.
GARDENERS! Wrap seed potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready
cut chips at harvest time.
STUDENTS! Don't waste time sorting laundry by colour. After washing all clothes
together several times they will turn a similar shade. Then you will never have
this decision to make again. Conversely, restrict your wardrobe to clothes that
are black.
STUDENTS! Can't afford a video recorder? Lie your toaster sideways on the floor
beneath your television. Friends will never know the difference!
STARVING STUDENTS! A clever way to get free food is to chain yourself to your
flatmate's bed, then ask him/her to bring you food.
STUDENTS! When visiting the multiplex, ensure that a long queue has formed
behind you and that the cashier has already issued a full price ticket before
you ask for a student discount. Oh, and don't forget to pay with a f*cking
credit card.
STUDENTS! Save on charity donations - and make your student grant stretch a
little bit further - by spending £1 on clothes at a charity shop, then selling
them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at
half the cost. I think.
INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEVES! The
perfect hiding place. No one will
you can travel to any other part
They're also always shiny clean so
ventilation system of any building makes a
ever think of looking for you in there, and
of the building you want without difficulty.
your black outfit won't get dusty.
NOSY NEIGHBOURS? A handy tip to stop them from knowing which room you're in by
stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.
BANK CUSTOMERS! Liven up your spells at the ATM by shouting "I Won! I Won! Third
time this week!!!"
HOLIDAYMAKERS! Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in
your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to get Sinead O'Connor-style
"skinhead" haircuts a day or two before departure.
SKINFLINTS! Don't fork out on expensive smoke alarms. Simply fill some balloons
with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with some airfilled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top of it. In the event of
a fire, the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the
floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the
fire, probably.
PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering
your tins of beer, removing all your bathroom towels and substitute them with a
hair dryer. And don't forget to kick your missus out into the garden when the
clock strikes midnight.
PENSIONERS! Old Golden Pages telephone directories have many alternative uses.
For example, try sitting on a pile of them the next time you go for a spin in
your car. That way you will be able to see out the front window.
NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue some carpet tiles to the soles of
your shoes. They'll make Tescos feel like your own living room.
VEGETARIANS! A quick way to make your veggie burgers go further is to add a
pound of mince to them.
DOG OWNERS! Give passers by the impression that your dog is well trained by
ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already.
PET HAMSTER OWNERS WHO ARE ALSO PRANKSTERS!
handy tip: make milkshakes every day for a
make a milkshake using copious amounts of
mates look at the shake and look at the
curious!"
BEEKEEPERS! Keep your
instead of honey.
beehives
in
If you have a food blender, here's a
week, then hide your hamster! Next,
Heinz tomato ketchup, and when your
empty cage, simply say: "OK I was
strawberry
fields
to
get
strawberry
jam
CONVERT BLACK LABRADOR DOGS into seals by taking them to Bewleys twice a week
and feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping
a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in
Vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return
for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
PREVENT bees and butterflies from stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower
head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes peg.
IF YOUR OFFICE has a goldfish tank, a handy way to make a few extra bob is to
take the fish and leave a ransom note.
STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by placing the food
inside a Jacobs Biscuit tin, and securing the lid with heavy-duty "gaffer" tape.
BUSY MUMS! When clearing up after a kids' party, always burst balloons before
throwing them away. That way you use far fewer dustbin bags.
IF YOU'VE a mate who's a taxi driver and you happen to see him at the end of a
long queue of taxis at Dublin Airport, here's a clever prank. Jump into the
first taxi and ask roughly how much it will cost to go into town. When told "ten
quid" (or so), then ask "And how much for a blow job on the way?" When the
driver says "Get the f*** out of me taxi", jump into the back of the next one,
until you get to your mate at the end of the line. Get into his car, and as
you're driven slowly past the long line of taxis give a big smile and thumbs up
sign to each driver.
SKINFLINTS! Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. Can be re-used many times,
and best of all it has far fewer calories.
PEOPLE ON THE RUN! If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. Well, it works in the
movies.
OPERA GOERS! Spice up your evening by... singing along.
RESTAURANT OWNERS LIKE CONRAD GALLAGHER! Is the main course lamb - but you've
forgotten the mint sauce again? No problem! Toothpaste mixed with a little
vinegar and chopped nettle or dandelion leaves makes an ideal emergency
replacement.
THRIFTY PARENTS! Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the impending downturn
in the "Celtic Tiger" economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."
WE'VE JUST SEEN a film where, after a plane crashed in some mountains, the
passengers had to eat each other in order to survive. All well and good, but
what do the airlines expect vegetarians to do in similar circumstances? Why
can't scientists clone "vegetable people", a few of whom could travel on each
flight to provide a suitable vegetarian alternative to cannibalism in case of
disaster?
IF YOU ARE STILL PARANOID ABOUT Y2K... Buy lots of Spam. It will be the world's
new currency.
FROZEN PEAS are an ideal replacement for ice in a cool drink when ice cubes are
not available. They are just as good, and best of all can be washed afterwards
and re-frozen.
AMATEUR CHEFS! A tasty and very cheap caviar substitute is to snip the tails off
several hundred tadpoles using nail scissors.
SAVE A FORTUNE on your laundry bills. Simply give your dirty shirts to an Oxfamtype charity shop. They will then wash and iron them and - best of all - you can
then buy them back for just 30p.
BUSY MUMS! A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of children's shoes
allows them to be towed effortlessly around supermarkets.
SAVE THE COST OF INSTALLING CABLE TV! Start taping current editions of "Top Of
The Pops" and "Big Brother" now, then put them away and watch them in fifteen
years' time.
LADS! A really fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your
inflatable sex doll with hot water.
MEAN CAVAN BASTARDS! Encourage friends to telephone you (instead of you having
to ring them) by offering a free plastic dinosaur with each call.
PROUD HOME-OWNERS! You can now significantly increase the life of your carpets!
Simply roll them up and store them in the garage.
PRANKSTER DRUGGIES! Those office coffee machines that grind their own beans
offer a perfect place to try out suspect narcotics. If nobody dies, it's
probably safe to take the drugs yourself.
SPITEFUL PEOPLE! Steal rubbish from outside your neighbour's house on bin day,
then dump it in local beauty spots. When the council officials find discarded
envelopes, etc, they will prosecute your neighbour - and are unlikely to accept
miserable excuses like "I didn't do it." As a special bonus, in the Dublin
Corporation area the neighbours you get wrongly convicted of littering will have
their names published in the paper as litter louts. Some sort of "name-andshame" nonsense.
OFFICE PRANKSTERS! Place some indelible markers in the tray under the office
whiteboard. Nothing breaks up an office "brainstorming" session better than a
dozen people squinting to read the stuff written a month ago.
HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR SUPERVISOR.... Collect potatoes, paint faces on them and
give them names. Name one after your supervisor. Separate your supervisor's
potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your supervisor's potato
and eat it. Explain to your supervisor, "He/she just didn't belong..."
SUICIDAL BUT A TAD INDECISIVE? One compromise solution is to hang yourself with
a bungee rope.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins.
BIG GIRL'S BLOUSES! Now you can look like a "Hard Man" on that long train
journey from Dublin to Tralee. Just save up all your empty Heineken cans for a
month, then when you are in the railway carriage simply line them up on the
table in front of you.
HAVING A PARTY? Kelloggs Cornflakes packets make excellent jelly moulds for
anyone requiring very large rectangular blocks of jelly. NB they have just one
slight disadvantage: Kelloggs Cornflakes packets aren't waterproof.
STUDENTS! An ideal way to create more space in your flat is to set fire to large
pieces of furniture. If your landlord complains, apologise but explain that
you've been watching far too much "Beavis & Butthead".
SCIENCE BOFFINS AT GUINNESS BREWERY! Popping two Alka Seltzer tablets into a
newly opened can of Guinness has exactly the same effect as a "widget". This
simple but effective method also has the added advantage of preventing
hangovers.
FUN-SIZED MARS BARS make ideal normal-sized Mars Bars for dwarfs.
GARDAI ON DEPORTATION DUTY! Always check that refugees you're escorting to
Amsterdam really have got a habeus corpus order before dragging them back from
where you've just deported them to.
TREKKIES! A quick way to get rid of flatmates who do not approve of your hobby
is to talk to your communicator, tell Scottie to beam you up, and avoid all
household tasks by saying: "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
BROKE? Raise cash by transforming your garden into a "Millennium Dome" or
"Eurodisney" style theme park. Simply erect a large dome-shaped structure over
it, charge your neighbours 30 quid to get in and a fiver for an ice cream, and
don't forget to make them wait 6 hours for a ride on your lawnmower.
STILL PARANOID ABOUT Y2K? Stock up on Choosy and other cat food. No, it's not
for feeding cats. It's for catching them (if you know what we mean).
FANCY A DAY OFF WORK? When your supervisor is out of the room, simply glue your
shoes to the ceiling. When your supervisor returns, sit on the floor, hold your
head, point up and moan.
OFFICE WORKERS! Most modern fax machines send an "identification string" which
is usually the company's name. This can be easily altered so that instead of
coming from your company, all outgoing faxes seem to be from Madam Zaza's Sex
Toys Emporium!
STUDENTS! Unnerve that annoying flatmate! Simply fill a goldfish bowl with water
and a tin of sliced peaches. When the flatmate is doing your head in, quickly
dip your hand in the fishtank and eat several peach slices.
INTERNATIONAL JET-SETTERS! Liven up your wait in Dublin Airport by donning an
ID-style badge and carrying a mobile (so you look like a taxi driver). Then
scribble down the details of a recently arrived flight and some foreign-sounding
names, give the note to an announcer and pretend you can't pronounce the names e.g. "Mahkolig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted". Ask them to page the people
on the PA.
HYPOCHONDRIACS! If so-called friends ignore your illnesses, gain sympathy by
drawing a very tiny, black spot on your arm. Then (using a felt-tip) make it
bigger every day, look at it and say: "It's spreading! It's spreading!"
PARENTS! Teleworking is great for looking after the kids while you work. One
drawback though is that you have to look after the kids while you work. If you
don't, they will pour strawberry yogurt in your laptop and then puke up in your
briefcase. In other words, it's exactly like having the marketing department in
your very own home.
PARTY-GOERS! Don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Instead, ask
how much they cost, and ask often. If necessary, demand a receipt and a wine
list.
IF YOU'RE STILL PARANOID ABOUT Y2K... Get some carrier pigeons. Possibly your
best form of communication when the Internet goes wonky, and they also taste a
bit like a small chicken.
OFFICE WORKERS! Brighten up that cubicle - simply plant a hedge around it.
CHEMISTRY TEACHERS! Microwave tinfoil
alternative to indoor fireworks.
makes
an
interesting,
safe
and
cheap
WORKERS IN DOT.COM START-UPS! Every time someone asks you to do something, ask
them to sign a waiver or a non-disclosure agreement.
STILL PARANOID ABOUT Y2K? Always keep a ski mask and hurling stick handy. You
won't want to miss out on all the looting fun in O'Connell Street.
STUPID PEOPLE FROM LIMERICK! Trams nikkcef er'uoy siht daer nac uoy fi.
KIDS RUNNING AWAY TO THE CIRCUS! Don't forget to practise by swallowing long
swords.
BANK CUSTOMERS! Get up the nose of your bastard bank manager by simply renting
one of those fancy safe deposit boxes, putting several kippers and one large
piece of cod in it, and going abroad on a nice three-month holiday.
FED UP QUEUEING AT THE DRINKLINK? Simply shove your hands in your pockets and
start muttering "Gimme all your money... no... umm... Hand me the cash or the
Kid gets it." Watch that queue vanish in seconds.
BECOME A MILLIONAIRE FOR A DAY! Just go to the Bureau de Change and turn a pound
(punt or sterling) into Turkish Lire.
POORLY SKINFLINTS! Save money - simply operate on yourself. Don't forget the
Swiss Army knife though.
FORGETFUL ATM USERS! Never forget your PIN number again. Just set it to "0000"
and write it on your ATM card.
BANK CUSTOMERS! Make money on your accounts. From now on charge your bank a
"reading fee" of £20 per page on any unsolicited advertising material they
happen to post you.
EVIL OVERLORD BASTARDS! Repeat after me: "I will not include a self-destruct
mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a
bloody massive red button labelled 'DANGER: DO NOT PUSH.' Instead, the big red
button marked 'Do Not Push' will actually trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
stupid enough to disregard it, including 'Navan Man' Pierce Brosnan. Similarly,
the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such."
DO YOU WORK IN THE MINT IN SANDYFORD? Why not invent a "£5 coin"? You can reduce
the amount of metal required, by making it in a ring shape that fits snugly
around the existing £1 coin, thereby saving the Irish Exchequer millions!
However, if the new coin is preferred to shopkeepers without the £1 coin in the
centre, it will obviously only be worth four quid.
ENGLAND FANS! Avoid disappointment the next time England play Germany by hiring
the "Escape to Victory" video. It explains how to beat the Germans at football
even when your team includes Michael Caine ("Don't shoot until you see the
whites of their eyes"), no natural left-footers, Bobby Moore (older than Lothar
Matthaus), and Sylvester Stallone doing his David James impressions between the
posts.
"NAKED CHEF" COOKS! Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If
the chocolate melts, this is a sure sign that the microwaves are escaping and it
is time to have the oven serviced. Pukkah mate!
EVIL AND LECHEROUS OVERLORDS! After you kidnap the beautiful princess, marry her
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony in a state registry office down in Cork,
not some lavish spectacle in your mountain lair in Modravankia in three weeks'
time during which the final phase of Your Evil Plan will be carried out...
DUBLIN MOTORISTS! Now you can enjoy the freedom of cycling. Just remove your
windscreen, stick half a melon skin on you head, then jump red lights and drive
the wrong way up one-way streets. Works a treat!
BEANO AND DANDY FANS! Give your comic that "Pulp Fiction" treatment by simply
reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random
order.
EVIL OVERLORDS! Make your ventilation ducts too small to crawl through.
WINDY DAY? Save money on expensive hair gel to keep your hair in place - just
pour the grease from your breakfast fry-up over it.
FAIRLY WELL-OFF OLD PEOPLE! Save your kids the hassle of dealing with the tax
man in relation to inheritance tax by selling everthing you own and living out
the rest of your days in the Gresham or the Burlo. If you run of of money before
you die, simply move in with one of your kids and see how much they love you
then.
DOCTORS! A cheap but highly effective cure for hypochondria is Smarties - simply
remove them from their box and put them in a standard pill bottle.
FLAT DWELLERS! A great way to get not only all your fibre requirements for the
day but also your daily alcohol intake is to make whiskey porridge. Just add a
packet of Odlums to a large bottle of Black Bush
GIG GOERS! Can't afford to get to Glastonbury this year? Simply turn on three
bars of an electric heater and hold your face really close to it to achieve that
sunburn tomato effect. Then spread several gallons of mud on your living room
floor, stick pop journo Brian Boyd in the kitchen, erect a tent in the garden,
lose the groundsheet and put the VCR as far away from it as possible, then play
your homemade DIY video of matchsticks (well that's what they look like from
here) and a CD of Travis or the Pet Shop Boys while wearing earplugs. For the
full effect, don't forget to remove all toilet paper from the premises, then
stuff last week's Sunday Times down the loo. Wicked or what?
NISSAN MICRA DRIVERS! Attach a lit sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey (OK, you drive the things like they were dodgem cars
anyway, so they may as well look like one).
URBAN DISTRICT COUNCILLOR BASTARDS! To get people from Dublin to live in your
town, simply persuade your local Minister to move a large civil service
department down there! To avoid any embarrassment in the subsequent planning
meeting, be sure to ask for the cash downpayment "in a large brown paper bag
please".
INTREPID EXPLORERS! A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap but very effective
substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
"NAKED CHEF" COOKS! Toberlone chocolate bars make ideal "toast racks" for Ritz
crackers.
TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBOURS? Convince them that you've just invented a
'SHRINKING' device, Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in
your house during the night and secretly replace the JCB with a small
Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description. Just watch their faces in the morning!
OLYMPIC SWIMMERS! Conceal the fact that you have taken performance-enhancing
drugs by simply swimming a little slower and letting someone else win.
WEB DESIGNERS AND "GRAPHICS GURUS"! Create instant "designer stubble" by sucking
a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
LISTENERS WHO HATE THEIR TDS! If you're fed up of Bertie Ahern or John Bruton or
any other party leaders for that matter wanging on and on on the wireless about
corruption or the economy or whatever, simply pick up your radio and tell them:
"It's the fridge for you, my lad, till you learn a bit of manners." Another
handy tip is to stick young RTE Radio 1 superstar Ryan Tubridy in the microwave.
Or Gay Byrne in an empty biscuit tin.
LOCAL RADIO LISTENERS! If your station has competitions where they give away
pizzas, film tickets, CDs etc for answering trivia questions, simply make a tape
of one of the questions. Then when your mate pops over, simply wait until a song
has ended then play the tape (without your mate noticing). Get them to dial the
station with the easy answer, then sit back and watch their reaction...
RTE RADIO LISTENERS! When the Angelus comes on the radio, you can liven it up a
bit by tying a rope to the ceiling, shoving a pillow up your jumper and swinging
across the room shouting "The bells! The bells!"
MICK MCCARTHY! Resign. Now.
HEAVY SLEEPERS! A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL COACHES! Skip Lourdes in your forthcoming European tour
this year in order to avoid losing your star players.
X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking
two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a
strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
COMPLETE BASTARD TYRANT CRIME OVERLORDS! Don't interrogate your enemies in the
inner sanctum - a small hotel just outside Cavan will work just as well.
ENEMIES OF JAMES BOND OR THE MEN FROM UNCLE! A handy tip for your undercover
agents is not to have tattoos identifying them as members of your organisation
(and don't make them wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes
either).
NASTY TYRANT KINGS! Instead of having your noble and handsome half-brother
(whose throne you usurped) anonymously imprisoned in some forgotten cell of your
dungeon in the middle of the dark forest in Bratislovakia, simply have him
killed. Immediately.
COMPLETELY EVIL OVERLORDS! When you have captured your adversary and he says,
"Lookit, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
just say "No" and shoot him.
F1 RACING DRIVERS FROM STONEYBATTER! Save money the next time you win a Grand
Prix - a useful substitute for champagne is fire extinguishers.
HIJACKERS! Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.
CITY DWELLERS! If you live in Stoneybatter and have too much traffic passing
your house, simply buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute the
entire street.
BANKERS! Hire only people you know to work on your cleaning staff. It may cost
more, but reduces the risk of infiltrators posing as your cleaning crew intent
on robbing your bank and kidnapping you!
IF YOU WIN THE LOTTO... Buy up every ticket in Croke Park for each night Garth
Brooks plays. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to
finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHITE!" and walk out. The second night
would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL
SHITE!" and walk out.
BOSSES! A good April Fool's joke is to resign. Or kill yourself slowly with a
large pointy object.
GIRLS! How do you keep your boyfriend from reading your email? Simply rename the
mail folder "instruction manuals"
WHEN IN THE OFFICE CANTEEN! Stare at people through the tines of a fork, in
order to pretend that they're in jail (like yer wans in "Prisoner Cell Block
H").
COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS! When writing your next program in "1s" and "Os", you can
make it much easier to read by not using any "Os".
WHEN SWIMMING WITH SHARKS and they try to take a nibble out of your hand, simply
stick your arm further down the shark's throat. It then goes "cough splutter"
and lets go! Honest - it really works!
FUNERAL PARLOUR OWNERS! A large oil drum, a can of non-leaded petrol and a
packet of Zip firelighters make a brilliant low-budget alternative to the local
crematorium.
BUSY HOUSEWIVES! To secure a slippy rug in a permanent position on a wellpolished wooden floor, simply attach several pieces of used chewing gum and one
sheet of flypaper to each of your shoes. While the rug might still move, you
will now be safely attached to it.
FANCY A FEED OF PINTS ON GOOD FRIDAY? Simply take the bus to Dublin Airport.
Unfortunately when you get there you need a boarding card to gain access to the
bars and duty free in the departure area, so a handy tip is to grab an
unaccompanied minor and say you're just leaving them to the gate...
CINEMA-GOERS! If confronted by a long queue for tickets, simply try the
following classical practical joke... First, go to the front and then walk the
entire length of the queue, looking over everyone as if you were trying to find
a mate. When you get to the back, simply walk back up to the front doing the
same thing, but this time even slower. Then when you reach the front, turn
around and quickly run to the back again, machine-gunning everybody as you go.
Then go up to the ticket office and say "Get it?" This is a classic joke, and as
you can see it is also quite practical, since it gets you to the front of the
line very fast.
WAITRESSES! Don't smile. Ever.
FEMINISTS! Guys have feelings too, but like... who cares?
OLD PEOPLE! It's hard to be nostalgic when, um, you can't remember anything.
BLOKES! If you want breakfast in bed, simly sleep in the kitchen!
NEW MEN! Stop women who
your baby dead in their
them a lascivious grin
place they can have one
interrupt your progress around the supermarket to admire
tracks! As soon as they finish admiring the child, give
and whisper that if they have 15 minutes and a clean
just like him.
CAVAN COWS! If you are fed up with the farmer pulling the tits off you every
day, simply try falling around the farmyard and acting as if you've drunk a
whole bottle of vodka. He won't go near you again.
OFFICE WORKERS! Have fun by leaving the photocopier set to reduce 200%, extra
dark, 17-inch paper. And don't forget to switch the machine to 99 copies.
DUBLIN DRIVERS! Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally near Stephen's Green.
GIRLIES! Apply red nailpolish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red
carpet of course, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
DUBLIN DRIVERS! Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions, "just to keep them tuned up"
DUBLIN 4 HOSTESSES! For an unusual meringue dessert, simply whip some cream and
use it to glue together large pieces of polystyrene.
DIY EXPERTS! A quick way to unblock clogged drainpipes is to place a large piece
of sodium next to the blockage, then pour on two quarts of warm water. We know.
We tried it.
HOUSEPROUD PEOPLE! If you spill red wine on a carpet, simply get a paint roller
and spread it evenly.
ON FAMILY WASHDAYS! To save constantly dipping into your peg bag or stooping to
pick up pegs, clip them all around an old raincoat belt and fasten it around you
as a makeshift bra.
TOURISTS! If you are stuck in any pub in Ireland while waiting for friends to
arrive from the hotel or B&B, you can always ask the barman to lend you some
reading matter to peruse while killing the time. Simply ask to borrow "Jack's
paper".
TOURISTS! Make sure not to miss the late-night evening rituals by taking a
scenic journey on the Nitelink. These inexpensive tours are extremely popular,
particularly with the youngsters of Dublin. Be sure to sit upstairs, in the rear
seats, as it is easier to take photos with that new digital camera.
TOURISTS! Television stations throughout Ireland like to use the St Patrick's
Day celebrations to cover various cultural events. This year the spotlight is on
a 24-hour version of J. M. Synge's classic, "The Playboy of the Western World".
If you would like to drop in on it, simply ask the hotel porter whether they can
tune you in to the "Playboy" channel.
TOURISTS! While St Patrick's Day celebrates Ireland's most famous saint, it is
also the day when Dublin taxi drivers mark the anniversary of their own patron
saint. They will give you a very concise potted history to you - simply ask them
"What about Chris Barry then?"
TOURISTS! The best Paddy's Day crack (enjoyment) is always to be found in the
pubs of Ballybough/Ballyfermot/Ballymun (in fact, in any place which begins with
"Bally-"). All you have to do is walk in and use the traditional Irish greeting
"Yacun cha!" or (for that really friendly local greeting): "Wotterya lukkinat
yafek incun cha!" and you will be welcomed as a long-lost son of Erin.
TOURISTS! If you are interested in marine life, pop over to Dublin's new
attraction called "Dolphin Barn" on the southside of the city. Seaworld how are
ya!!!!!
TOURISTS! The St Patrick's Day street parades are so popular in most towns and
villages across the land that is is often difficult to see the floats and the
cheerleaders from North America. However, the crowds will usually part to let
tourists through to the front if you use the old Gaelic sayings "yaf-echk-ya" or
"getchak-itov".
TOURISTS! On arrival in Dublin, your B&B or hotel will serve you a special
traditional St Patrick's Day breakfast - but only if you ask for it. The most
popular dishes to order are called "haggis", "semtex" and "an armalite" (a small
but tasty oatmeal cake). Then after breakfast, it is time to impress the natives
with your costume. To keep in the Mardi Gras spirit, try to track down any piece
of orange-coloured fabric and fashion it into a beauty queen's sash. To complete
your look, also wear a bowler hat.
FIRST AID PEOPLE! A handy way to perform artificial respiration on a person who
looks like they might have a cold sore is to use a standard household bellows.
FOOTBALL HOOLIGANS (AND DARNERS)! Darning is no substitute for proper surgery
thread, but is a handy makeshift substitute if you are caught short.
BUSY MUMS! A quick way to rustle up a packed lunch for the kids is to grab some
contents of your fridge at random (absolutely any contents will do), then chop
them up and put them in a tupperware lunchbox. Simply delicious, once you've
dribbled on some Heinz salad cream!
BOSSES! A good April Fool's joke is to resign. Or kill yourself slowly with a
large pointy object.
GIRLS! How do you keep your boyfriend from reading your email? Simply rename the
mail folder "instruction manuals"
CENTRAL BANK OF IRELAND! If you need some small gold bullion bars in a hurry, a
quick substitute is to paint some Donegal Catch fish fingers with several coats
of gold paint, after injecting them with small amounts of an extremely heavy
liquid. (Well this all made sense in the pub last night).
FLAT-HUNTERS! A good way to secure a flat in Dublin nowadays is to arrive
earlier than everyone else, then surround the building with "GARDA - SCENE OF
CRIME" tape.
KIDS! A short cut to making a thirst-quenching refreshment of homemade ginger
beer is to get a large lump of root ginger and soak it in a pint of Smithwicks
for two hours, then strain and drink. Simply delicious!
DUBLIN 4 HOUSEWIVES! If you run out of icing sugar to decorate a cake but the
local Tescos is closed, simply sprinkle on a bit of cocaine instead. Simply
delish!
HOW TO COOK A MEDIUM-SIZED WHALE! Peel and chop two pounds of potatoes and a
large Spanish onion, drizzle them with copious amount of olive oil, then place
in a frying pan as large as a medium-sized whale. Add whale and fry gently until
the onion is transparent. Serve. It's simply delicious!
FOODIES! A quick way to make vegetarian rissoles more interesting is
substitute beef for the vegetable content. The results are simply delicious.
to
BLOKES! The next time you're stuck for a lass, just use The Eenymeenymineymo
Method!
STUDENTS! Emphasise your individuality by all wearing the same clothes, having
exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised Heino
that us taxpayers provide.
SAVE TIME AT THE MORGUE! Simply pre-fix a luggage tag to your big toe and write
your name, blood group and address on it. But remember to leave a space for the
cause of death.
PHOTOSHOP USERS! Protect those design nixers at work from prying eyes by simply
adding a spoof Layer which looks like a more legit looking job!
OTHER MOTORISTS! Make people think you have an expensive car phone! Simply call
them, ask them to repeat everything they say and then hang up half way through
their reply.
MOTORISTS! Save petrol on your car journeys by pushing your car to
destination. Invariably passersby will think you have broken down and help.
its
INVENTORS! Create two pairs of shoes with really enormously large springs at the
bottom of them, and prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
SHORT PEOPLE! Don't get blown away in high winds, fill your pockets with bags of
penny coins.
IRISH VENTURE CAPITALISTS! We find the quickest way to double your money is to
fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
GUESS WHAT! Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
PHONE PRANKSTERS! People with amusing names (e.g. Teresa Green, IM Lowe, Pat
Magee) really HAVEN'T heard every possible joke about their names. So if you
think of another one you really ought to share it with them.
GRANNIES AT AIRPORTS! If your artificial hip sets off the metal detectors,
simply say you are a veteran international hijacker and issue your demands - you
want a packet of McVities chocolate biscuits, several back issues of the RTE
Guide and just a small sherry thanks.
HOUSEWIVES! One way to get two packets of Kelloggs Cornflakes for the price of
one is to pay for one and put the other in your bag.
DRESS DESIGNERS! An interesting alternative material for a waterproof puffy coat
is a leftover roll of bubblewrap.
BBC PROGRAMME MAKERS! You can create a lot of interest and drama in your
"Castaway 2000" show by letting the participants each take a big crate of
belongings onto the craggy island. Then smash four of the crates by simply
dropping them from a helicopter while ferrying them over!
OFFICE WORKERS! Bring a chainsaw in to work, but don't actually use it. If
anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." very mysteriously..
BBC PROGRAMME MAKERS! While making a show called "Castaway 2000", don't forget
to teach all the participants SAS survival techniques. Then build them loads of
comfy accommodation (OK, it looks a bit like Father Ted's house and gets a bit
leaky the first time it's a tad windy), and erect some poly tunnels for growing
Marks & Spencers salads. Also give the castaways a radio to have a natter with
the coastguard, and a wind generator, and throw in a few camera crews for good
measure, and make sure there's a damn good supply of puffy coats...
SHOPKEEPERS! Reduce
personalities.
shoplifting
in
your
shop
-
simply
ban
third-rate
TV
GARDENERS! When planting grass seeds, mix a bottle of whiskey into the soil.
That way, the grass come up half cut.
BLOKES! Thinking of a sex change? Don't simply add an "a" at the end of your
name (e.g. "Kennetha") because you just might get rumbled
OFFICE
TRAINEES!
"miscellaneous."
Don't
forget
that
everything
can
be
filed
under
SCIENTISTS! A clever way to get promoted quickly is to highlight a lot of
irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
DISGRUNTLED WORKERS! Sellotape pictures of you supervisor onto large watermelons
and launch them from high places.
CONFUSE YOUR FLATMATE! Ask him/her if your family from Cavan can move in "for
just a coupla weeks."
CONFUSE YOUR BORING FLATMATE! Move your flatmate's personal effects around!
Start subtly though. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually superglue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
CONFUSE YOUR BORING FLATMATE! Steal a fishtank! Fill it with lager and dump
sardines in it, then talk to them.
RELIGIOUS NUTTERS! Convince people you are the new Messiah by performing a
couple of miracles, saying something profound and then getting some mates to
nail you to a tree!
EVIL MURDERING TYRANTS WHO WERE FORMERLY MILITARY DICTATORS! Avoid extradition
by saying you're too poorly to sit in a courtroom (but not poorly enough to sit
in a transatlantic jet)
PAYE TAXPAYERS! Retaliate for your tax woes by filling out your tax forms with
Roman Numerals.
SINGERS IN THE ROLLING STONES! Impress all the girls - stick a large carrot down
your underpants.
MINOR DUBLIN CRIMINALS! Make yourself sound like A Really Hard Man by using a
smart nickname such as "The Hamster" or "The Poodle" or "The Ickle Fluffy
Bunny".
OFFICE PRANKSTERS! Dig out the sound module from one of those dolls that cries
when you tip it up and down. Fasten it to the bottom of a fellow employee's
chair so that it gives a vague "wa-wa" noise every time they shuffle.
McDONALDS CUSTOMERS! Liven up your next visit - when someone says "have a nice
day", simply tell them in a mysterious voice that you've got other plans. (Or
just say "knickers!")
CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring
you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by
calling them *just* before they pick up the phone.
MATCH OF THE DAY BOSSES! Now that the show is crap without Des Lynam, poach
Gabbi Yorath from UTV (and show a lot more of those crowd shots in Brazil).
BILL GATES! Take out a patent on oxygen, call it "MS Oxygen" (TM) and then
charge a licensing fee for anybody using it.
POORLY PEOPLE! Make money out of your woes by billing your GP for the time spent
in his waiting room.
DIY EXPERTS! A disused freezer makes an ideal cryogenics chamber for the next
millemminum. If there is not enough room for the head, simply use a power saw to
cut it off and put it in a friend's fridge.
MOTORISTS! Guess what - Mercedes and BMW cars have over five separate layers of
paint. If you don't believe this, you can see the layers simply by running a
screwdriver along the side of one.
RTE DIRECTORS! People are not very interested in actually seeing the Newgrange
solstice, so get a bunch of yahoos to sound off or sing songs about it instead.
INTERNATIONAL BADDIES AND ART GALLERY OWNERS! Do not ignore the sound of several
bodies thumping along through your air-conditioning vents. It usually heralds a
bust or a daring robbery.
JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take
out a black hanky and put it on your head.
LAZY TV EXECUTIVES! Boost your Christmas ratings - just show "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" five times a day for a week!
NEED TO SAFEGUARD THE PRESENTS UNDER THE XMAS TREE? Simply wrap up last week's
rubbish in a standard black dustbin bag and put an "Important not to open until
Christmas" sign on it. Alternatively, set a large mouse-trap, put it in a box,
wrap up and place under tree
AIRLINE PASSENGERS FLYING HOME THIS XMAS! Lessen the chances of a bomb being on
your plane by carrying one yourself, as the chances of two bombs on any one
plane are much smaller.
HOUSEHOLDERS! Cut down on your ESB bills on freezing nights this Christmas by
unplugging your fridge and placing the contents on your doorstep.
POPTASTIC MEGASTARS! When recording your Christmas TV special during the summer,
dandruff makes an authentic-looking substitute for snow.
ATTENTION DELIA SMITH! Apparently, camel's milk does not curdle. And Norwich
aren't a great footie team.
SKINFLINTS! Cut along the edge of a teabag and empty out the tea. It makes an
ideal After Eight mint cosey for after the Christmas dinner.
SKINFLINTS! Make your own teabags by pouring tea into an After Eight mint
envelope and stapling it closed. Then puncture the sides about 100 times with a
pin.
SHOPPERS! As the cashier runs
mesmerised and say, "Wow! Magic!"
your
purchases
through
the
scanner,
look
SHOPPERS! Ride a display bicycle through the shop; claim you're taking it for a
"test drive".
SHOPPERS! Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
SHOPPERS! Tune all the radios to a boring station that plays polkas or ceili
music all day long. Then unplug them and turn the volumes to "10".
SHOPPERS! Walk up to a shop assistant and tell her in a very official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
STEPHEN HAWKING FANS! Open up a Microsoft Word document, then put a straw in
your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the
straw.
NATIONAL SCHOOL TEACHERS! Need something to brighten up your Nativity Play?
Borrow a Rudolph lookalike reindeer from Phoenix Park. Failing that, use former
Man United goalie Peter Schmeichel.
OWNERS OF THINGS! Tie a really long piece of string through everything you own.
Thus, if ever you can't find something, all you have to do is follow the string
and eventually you will find whatever you're looking for.
MOTORISTS! Can't afford a car with an airbag? Simply keep a footpump next to
your brake pedal and connect it to an inflatable paddling pool folded on your
lap. If you are about to crash, pump rapidly and the inflated pool will cushion
you from injury!
IMPRESS VISITORS! Simply sit on their laps, flick through an animal book and
make the appropriate animal noise for each picture. (P.S. This works best if you
are under 2 years old.)
NASA SCIENCE BOFFINS! Conduct an experiment in the comfort of your own home by
opening your front window and pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down. Beats sending a space probe to Mars any day!
PARENTS! Have fun with your toddler this Christmas by putting his clothes on
backwards and sending him off to the creche as if nothing was wrong.
OFFICE SLAVES! When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
SHOPPERS! Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and conmen by carefully checking
their change and holding banknotes up to the light before accepting them.