It’s EASY to fall in love and to BE in love,
but making love happen and last takes really hard work.
Today's Affirmation...
I release the pain of my mistaken ideas about love
The main thing is to care.
Care very hard, even if it is only a game you are playing.
None but a coward
dares to boast that he has never known fear.
Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness.
Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.
- Albert Camus
There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in a storm.
There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist,
or accept the responsibility for changing them.
When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would
be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. - Tennessee Williams
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. - Plato
The aim of an argument, or of discussion,
should not be victory, but progressTo know what people really think, pay regard to what they do,
rather than what they say. - George Santayana
http://www.selfgrowth.com/quote.html
http://www.hendricks.com/lovingtoday/daily.asp
http://www.selfgrowth.com/topics_websites.html
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles.html
The Simple Things Matter In Life And Love
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful
Marriage
Makes a GREAT Wedding or Anniversary Gift
Also available at Amazon.com and your local bookstore
Let’s get serious about love!
Truth is, it’s time to quit pretending that love is so hard
to understand. Here’s the bottom line – love is not so nearly
as complicated as some would like us to believe. In our 25
years of research about successful marriage we are
continually reminded of the “simplicity of love.” But the
reality of love is that so many people refuse to do the
simple things required to make love work. We have said over
and over again, it’s EASY to fall in love and
to BE in love, but making love last takes really hard work.
Being successful in love and life requires the folks who
profess to be in love to do the simple things. True love is
always about doing the simple things. In fact, love is an
accumulation of doing the simple things!
We don’t want to bore you with a prolonged treatise about
life and love. What we do want to do is sensitize you as to
why the little things are important by sharing with you some
simple notions that will help lead to success in love and
life. So, here goes.
We know through our years of research about love,
that the human touch is a powerful tool. Remember, when you
touch someone you love you are engaging in two highly
important actions – you are acknowledging their presence and
you are saying to them I love you so much I must touch you.
Pretty powerful messages don’t you think?
And remember, touching is habitual. Touching is habit
forming.
Touching is powerful. Touching is soothing. To touch another
human being in a wonderful way is to say, “I love you.” As a
person in love said to us recently, if my wife and I pass
each other in our house a hundred times a day, we touch each
other a hundred times!
Here is another example of doing something “simple.”
Did you ever notice how people in love frequently tell each
other how much they love each other? Again, such an
expression of love can become habitual. It can be habit
forming. It can be learned. Do it today to the one you love.
People you love need to hear you tell them you love them.
Never assume they know. Tell them!
And here’s a simple one – treat the one you love with respect
AT ALL TIMES! Never say disparaging things about the one you
love
in public. Open doors for them. Praise them. Point our their
strengths
and NEVER their shortcomings.
Good character is a must in any successful and loving
relationship.
Never cheat on the one you love. Love does not last when you
betray the trust of the one you love. In fact, we would wager
that betraying the trust of the one you love is the fastest
route we can think of to the dissolution of the relationship
– whether physical dissolution or emotional dissolution – or
both. Think twice, think three times, think many times,
before you take this action, before you take the step that
will destroy your relationship forever. For most, there is no
turning back from betrayal.
There are many simple things you can do. Simple things for
sure.
If you profess to be in love you must do the simple things.
For example, if you want to be in love for a long time, you
need to be protective of your health and that of the one you
love. Getting sick and dying has a sure way to end true love.
Eat healthy. Get exercise. Live long.
To be successful in love and life requires people “in love”
to treat each other with respect, to make joint decisions, to
talk about everything and anything, and to NEVER be bored
with each other. Fill your love with excitement. Fill your
love with variety and spice. To be truly in love is to enjoy
life together – to be happy and in love.
Being in love is simple. Doing the simple things required to
sustain love – well, that is the difficult part of love.
But you know what, if you will just do these things, you have
a real chance at sustaining great love and a positive life.
Life is too short. Share it with someone. Go be in love, and
do the simple things required to make it work.
Love well!
Relationship Tip of the Day by Susie and Otto Collin
Too often we hold back parts of ourselves from those we love. A lot of this
stems from fear and wanting to be accepted. You may have been taught
from an early age that particular actions and ways of being are just not
acceptable or possible for you, and unfortunately, those old beliefs keep
you firmly in your box.
We encourage you to let yourself go. Even if just for a moment in your
mind, allow yourself to live with no holds barred. If there were absolutely
no limits to your relationship and life, what would you do? Get out a piece
of paper and write down what comes to your mind. If "yes, but" thoughts
come to mind, brush them aside for the time being. Pay attention to how it
feels when you cross that invisible line -- if only in your mind. How do the
feelings of no limits compare with the feelings of self-limiting and "yes,
but"?
Advice For Creating Greater Intimacy
Most of us are pretty routine-oriented. We get up in the
morning, brush teeth, eat breakfast and then head off to
whatever form of work we engage in. Our days continue on in
much the same way. Many of us also create time to connect in
with our partner watching movies, having dinners out, and
making love or other intimate sharing. Of course, there’s
nothing wrong with any of this. If you feel satisfied, then
you’ve found what works for you.
But what if a part of you (large or small) yearns for just a
little bit more?
Do you ever wonder if life could be even more than what it is
now? When it comes to your love relationship or marriage,
could it be more passionate, close and connected?
We know it can!
Those routines we create and become accustomed to form a sort
of box around us. This is a familiar space because we’ve done
the activities and played the roles within the box before. It
seems safer somehow—we feel more guaranteed about how it’s
going to turn out. This is all well and good but can become
boring and dull.
Julie is a very organized person and likes to live life in an
organized way. She’s dated the same guy—Hank—for 5 years now
and enjoys very much the time they spend together. Julie
feels satisfied about her job, relationship and life overall
but she also feels a bit restless at times wondering if this
is all there is. She sees herself with Hank for the long haul
but, at the same time, doesn’t feel all that excited about
the future she envisions.
Sometimes she has intimacy ideas she’d like to try with Hank,
but she never quite works up the courage to carry them out.
Everyone’s need for variety is different. Some people are
truly happy living the way they’ve been living virtually
forever. Others, however, want to explore outside the box
they’ve built for themselves but fear what might happen. It’s
as if there is an invisible line and, once crossed, unknown
hurts and pain might happen. Julie, for example, may want to
buy that lingerie she’s seen in the store window and put on a
sexy fashion show for Hank one evening. What holds her back
are fears that she’d look silly, that he would not think she
is attractive in the lingerie and a host of other scary
ideas. These fears are what keep Julie in her box.
There are no guarantees. At the same time, however, when you
take steps outside your box, the unknown may include a more
expanded connection with your love and passion you haven’t
even imagined! When Julie takes those steps and puts on that
sexy fashion show for her love, she may find a greater
intimacy than before.
Consider these hints as you prepare to step outside your
box….
1.) Let yourself go!
Too often we hold back parts of ourselves from those we love.
A lot of this stems from fear and wanting to be accepted. You
may have been taught from an early age that particular
actions and ways of being are just not acceptable or possible
for you and, unfortunately, those old beliefs keep you firmly
in your box.
We encourage you to let yourself go. Even if just for a
moment in your mind, allow yourself to live with no holds
barred. If there were absolutely no limits to your
relationship and life, what would you do? Get out a piece of
paper and write down what comes to your mind. If “yes, but”
thoughts come to mind, brush them aside for the time being.
Pay attention to how it feels when you cross that invisible
line—if only in your mind. How do the feelings of no limits
compare with the feelings of self-limiting and “yes, but”?
2.) Take the first step.
Now, look at your list and decide one action you will take
this week. It can be a really little thing. Julie may realize
she’d like more touch in her relationship with Hank and
decide to reach out and hold his hand more often. This may
seem like no big deal to you, but for Julie it is a step
outside of what she usually does. When she reaches for Hank’s
hand and feels the love of this connecting, she knows that
stepping out of her box is something she’d like to try again
and again.
When you begin to do or say something that is new for you,
you might feel resistance. When fears or doubts come up, just
take a moment and remind yourself how it felt when you
stepped outside your box in your mind. You might also remind
yourself of times when you tried the unexpected in the past
and how that felt. There may be times when Julie reaches out
to Hank intimately and his reaction is not what she expects.
He may be distracted, not feel well or the idea might not
appeal to him. You can choose to take your love’s reaction
personally and retreat into your box. Or, you can choose to
move on to some other desire on your list. Again, remembering
past successes and just how good it felt to expand from where
you are will help.
Have fun with this and know that when you step outside your
box
you might be stepping into more intimacy, passion
and connection with your love!
A Simple Formula to Keep Love and Intimacy Alive
I bet if I asked you what you had for breakfast this morning, you'd have a
concrete answer. (Even if the answer is "Black coffee" or "Didn't have
time.") But how about if I ask you to recall something arguably more
important than a single morning meal? Let's see how you fare:
In what specific way did you make your partner feel important today?
Hmmm? You didn't think of it? Okay, one missed opportunity might not
be a big deal. How did you make your significant other feel special
yesterday? What's that? You were too busy. I totally understand -- when
the workday ends, you have to juggle the kids' itineraries: soccer, music
lessons, math tutor. Not to mention putting food on the table. Gotcha.
So reach back into the recesses of your memory. What did you do to
openly communicate how important your partner or spouse is to you last
week? Last month?
I'm sure you get my point.
But it's a point that needs stating anyway, since it applies to each and every
one of us: Your marriage or relationship needs continual nurturing in order
to remain healthy. Gardening is an apropos analogy: consistent care
(watering, weeding, and pruning) is needed for your garden to flourish.
Can you imagine what your rose garden would look like after ignoring it
for several weeks?
* Formula for Love and Intimacy
One of the most effective ways to keep love alive and deepen intimacy is
to find ways to make your spouse or partner feel cared for and important.
* You and your partner + messages of appreciation = Lasting Love
Here's the best part: you can make your partner feel important in as little
time as it takes to comb your hair. Typically, when we talk to our mates,
we tend to focus on the things that have to be done. ("Are you picking
Tobey up from karate, or am I?" "Did you mail the mortgage payment?")
And in general, we also naturally tend to point out things that need fixing.
("Waiter, I asked for the hollandaise on the side...my eggs are drowning in
it.") But how often do we take the tiny amount of time to regularly
articulate the things that work?
All too often, when things are running smoothly, we begin to neglect what
works in our marriages or relationships. The cost of this neglect: you and
your partner begin to feel unappreciated, emotional intimacy between you
dwindles, sex becomes rote and mechanical. People often rationalize that it
isn't so bad living in a chronic state of disconnection from their loved one
(after all, most of the couples you know don't seem happy either). Some
look to people outside of the relationship to make them feel special and
appreciated. It shouldn't be this way. And it doesn't have to.
* Change pattern if you are a love-neglector
Keep this simple. In fact, the simpler the better. The goal is to be
consistent and make it last. (And most people, no matter how busy, can
wedge simple, easy tasks into their routines.) Start with small, loving, and
supportive statements. Here are few areas to focus on in your marriage or
relationship:
* Messages of appreciation:
Make it a habit to say "Thank you" more often, even when you partner or
spouse does the little things that s/he has done a million times before
(poured you the first cup of morning coffee, fed the dog, took out the
trash...even if you had to ask). Make sure your partner hears your thanks.
(In other words, don't mutter it or say it under your breath. Be generous
with your verbalized gratitude.)
Beyond "Thank you," try to add statements like:
"You're such a giving person."
"That was so thoughtful of you."
"That really helped me."
"I appreciate what you did for me."
"You're such a hard worker."
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
"That was kind of you."
As you grow more accustomed to pointing out the positive things, you'll
naturally see places where these types of statements will fit. And of course
your partner will be more motivated to continue to do whatever it was that
earned your warm appreciation. So you shape a wonderfully reciprocal
situation when you tell him/her you appreciate something.
Here are some other ideas for statements you can use in other situations:
* Messages of love and interest:
"I love you"; "I missed you"; "I can't wait to see you"; "You make me so
happy"; "I love spending time with you"; "I look forward to spending time
with you"; "I'm thinking of you"; "I love that about you"; "How was your
day?"; "I'd love to hear about it"; "How would you like to celebrate?"
* Messages of support and commitment:
"We're in this together"; "What can I do to help?"; "Don't worry, I'll take
care of it"; "That took a lot of courage"; "I'm so proud of you"; "You did a
great job"; "I'm sending you good-luck vibes"; "I'm here for you"; "Tell me
what you need."
* Gestures of love and support:
Actions often speak louder than words. So in addition to regularly sending
your partner verbal messages of appreciation to make him/her feel special,
take the necessary action steps to make this happen in other ways. And
remember, big gestures aren't necessary. A relationship benefits from
regular, consistent, smaller gestures, not large-but-rare ones.
A kiss; a hug; holding hands; touching one another; a smile; a loving
glance; a wink; a wave; a thumbs-up; a high-five; making him laugh or
smile; making her coffee; bringing home his favorite food; a loving note,
e-mail, text message, or voice message; a gift; a pleasant surprise; helping
out more; being present; being playful; planning for fun...
These lists are by no means exhaustive. Start with them and practice with
your partner. It's important to feel the truth behind each statement of love
you send. If you parrot statements you truly don't believe, your insincerity
will come through. Your goal is to touch your partner's heart, and to do
that you have to be in tune with your own heart first.
Feeling loved and appreciated go hand-in-hand. Love and emotional
intimacy are nurtured by messages and actions that make you and your
partner feel special. While this tends to flow naturally when couples are
first dating, years into the relationship it often takes reminders and
consistent effort to stay on top of this vital part of your relationship.
To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship
visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up
for Dr. Nicastro's free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
Intimacy Tips To Bridge The Communication Gap
Do you ever feel like you’re pouring out your heart to a
blank stare? When you try to communicate with your love, does
it sometimes seem like you're just not speaking the same
language? He or she may be trying really hard to figure out
what you are talking about, but just can’t make sense of it.
You often feel the same way.
If you feel like there is a communication gap between you and
the one you love, you are not alone. With practice and
intention you two can close that gap and enjoy a closer, more
passionate intimate connection.
Even before author John Gray declared that “men are from
Mars”
and “women are from Venus,” people have perceived a
communication gap between the sexes. The stereotype that
women are more emotional and men more action-oriented does
tend to bear out for some people. Other couples may link
their communication gap back to racial, cultural, economic,
or other differences. Whether you believe it’s genetic and
hormonal or learned and socialized, communication differences
feel very real. And they can cause real disconnection between
you and the one you love.
Carlo and Rita have been dating a little over a month and
both are very happy about how their relationship is starting
out—except for one thing. Carlo has noticed that when a
potential conflict arises between them, he and Rita have a
difficult time talking about it. It almost seems that they
speak a different language. He was brought up in a family
where debates and arguments were frequent and lively. Carlo’s
way is to be completely open when something is on his mind
and have it out (verbally) and then over with. Rita shrinks
back and even cries when Carlo communicates in his accustomed
way. Having grown up in household where raised, challenging
voices only happened when someone was in serious trouble,
Rita finds herself feeling a little afraid of this man who
she really cares about. This dynamic doesn’t feel good to
either Carlo or Rita but they don’t know how to change
things.
Practice Heart Listening
We believe that a couple like Carlo and Rita can bridge their
communication gap and continue building a loving
relationship. The first step is for each of them to go within
and sort through the possible stories going on in their
minds. Rita might realize her tendency to go back to past
experiences with her family when Carlo begins speaking in a
strong manner. Taking a deep breath, Rita might share with
Carlo why she reacts the way she does. At the same time, Rita
can internally remind herself to stay present with Carlo and
not assume his way of speaking means he is or will be abusive
as her family was. Allowing her heart-- and not her past-- to
guide her, Rita can listen to Carlo’s words with more
openness.
Hearing about Rita’s past may help Carlo understand why she
tends to fall apart during heated conversations or debates.
He can choose not to judge her and, instead, to be aware of
her feelings. This doesn’t mean that Carlo has to always
speak in a quiet gentle voice which would not feel genuine to
him. What it means is that Carlo can start listening to Rita
with an open heart and acceptance of her communication
differences as she is beginning to do with his.
Look for Communication Matches
If you were to visit a distant cousin in Japan with no
knowledge of the Japanese language while your cousin did not
know a single word of English, you would have to find ways to
communicate. It probably wouldn’t take long for you and your
cousin to use gestures and other signals to understand one
another. You would find similarities, or matches, in the ways
you communicate and maybe even learn some words in the
other’s language.
Similarly, you and your partner can look for and use what
matches when communicating. Perhaps Carlo and Rita both place
a high value on speaking honestly. Although their “language”
is different, neither lies about everything being ok when
it’s really not. This match is something to celebrate and
build upon! It doesn’t matter how small a similarity appears
to be, it can help close that gap.
If you are having a difficult time finding communication
matches, sit down—either together or alone—and write about
it. Avoid judgments or “good/bad” labels. Write out how you
each tend to communicate and what you each prioritize when
communicating. If there are no immediately obvious matches,
perhaps there are things about your partner’s “language” that
you can appreciate and want to learn to do yourself.
When it feels like you and your love have a communication
gap, perhaps the most important thing you can do is to expand
your view. Acknowledge that there is no ONE way to
communicate effectively. From this feeling of appreciation
and an intention to hear and speak across the differences,
you can enjoy deeper connection and intimacy.
Author's Bio
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of
"Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "Relationship Trust" and
"No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of
the love they really want.
Learn how to create deeper intimacy and connection in your
relationship today. Visit http://www.TheIntimacySecrets.com
to view a free video sample to find out more.
7 Rules for Saving Your Marriage
Is your marriage in trouble?
The first question you need to ask yourself is: "Do I want to save this
marriage or do I want to leave it?" If the answer is that you want to save it,
then this article is for you.
Following are 7 rules or choices
that you can make to completely change the course of your marriage.
1. Be honest with yourself regarding your primary intention.
Which category do you fall into - the intent to protect or the intent to
learn?
a. Is your primary intention to protect yourself from your fears with
some form of controlling behavior - such as anger, blame, criticism,
withdrawal of love, threats, compliance, or resistance? Is having power
over your partner and winning more important to you than being loving to
yourself and your partner? Do you make your partner responsible for your
feelings? Are you more devoted to getting love and avoiding rejection
rather than to mutuality, caring, and sharing love?
b. Is your primary intention to learn about loving yourself and your
partner? Are you more devoted to mutuality, caring and sharing love than
to being right, winning, having your way, or making your partner
responsible for your feelings? Is learning more important to you than
whether or not you receive approval?
Basic to all the other rules is being in the intent to learn about loving
yourself and others. If your primary intent is to protect yourself from pain
and rejection with controlling behavior, you will have no chance of
improving your relationship. You will continue to create the very problems
you are attempting to avoid with your controlling behavior.
2. Let go of the past. Hanging on to old grievances is part of the intent to
protect - blaming your partner for your pain rather than taking
responsibility for whatever choices you made that resulted in your
unhappiness.
3. Disengage from conflict as soon as one person is not open to learning.
There is no point in trying to talk out problems and issues until both people
are open to learning. If you are open and your partner is not, then give up
trying to solve problems by talking about them and unilaterally figure out
how to take loving care of yourself in the face of your partner's choices.
4. Keep your eyes on your own plate, sharing only about yourself and your
own learning. Let go of analyzing or defining your partner. Let go of
interrogating questions that are really attacks.
These behaviors are controlling and invasive. Your job is to define
yourself, not your partner! The more you define your own inner worth and
let go of attempting to define your partner, the better your relationship will
become.
5. Do your own Inner Bonding work to deal with your issues of
abandonment and engulfment, and to define your own worth and
lovability. Rather than making your partner responsible for your fears of
abandonment or your fears of losing yourself, do your inner healing work
to move beyond these fears. Take full 100% responsibility for these fears
rather than making your partner responsible for causing them.
6. Accept your lack of control over the other person, choosing instead to
see your partner as his or her own person. Learn to cherish the differences
rather than try to make your partner into you. Support your partner in
becoming all he or she came to this planet to be. Support your partner in
what brings him or her joy, taking responsibility for whatever fears your
partner's independence brings up for you.
7. Make kindness to your self and others
your guiding light, even when your fears are triggered.
Once again, if you are stuck in the mindset of protection and control, you
will not be able to make these choices. Your intent to learn is basic to
being able to make these choices and improve your relationship. You are
in charge of your intent and you always have the option to let go of the
intent to protect/control and move into the intent to learn about loving
yourself and your partner.
Author's Bio
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
The Joy (?) Of Family Life
Your house is a zoo – literally. You come home at night and
all you see is mess, mess, mess. Everywhere clothes strewn,
half-empty glasses, plates with sticky something stuck to
them, books, papers, chewed pencils, DVDs, game-boys, nothing
in its place, except your children and spouse who are
everywhere in the place, making yet more – mess. You grrr,
barely set down your things before gathering armloads of
displaced belongings, and endeavor to restore some small
measure of order to your chaotic universe.
By the time you sit down to dinner, you’re frazzled, even
more worn out than when you came home from a strenuous day at
work, and little in the mood for conversation or liveliness.
You scarcely have the energy to mutter “Use your fork, not
your fingers,” “Milk is for drinking, not for blowing
bubbles,” or “Quit feeding your brussel sprouts to the dog.”
Later that night, finally buried in the safety of your
bedclothes, when your mate breathes sweet somethings into the
crook of your neck it’s all you can do not to swat him/her
away, like some errant fly. Ah, the joys of family life. Well
they would be – or could be, if you changed your focus. You
see, anything you focus on grows. You focus all your
attention on everything that is awry in your household the
minute you get home, so that’s all you see. You don’t observe
the glorious energy and vivacity of your children, you don’t
notice your mate’s welcoming smile, you don’t give yourself
even an instant to appreciate your home, whatever its
condition. You see the mess, then more mess, and even more
mess on top of that. “But that’s a fool’s errand,” you say,
“if I don’t see the mess, if I don’t take care of it, it will
just grow exponentially until I need a snow-shovel to get
from the front hall through the living room into the
kitchen.” Indeed, if you don’t take care of it, it will get
worse. But you don’t have to focus on the mess in order to
take care of it. That’s the secret.
Take a moment to hug your mate, smile at your children and
listen to their joys and woes of the day. Rest yourself for a
few, you deserve it. And once you’ve taken in some of the
love and enjoyment your family provides, ask for their help.
With smiles and gratitude, ask your children to pick up their
belongings, your mate to supervise or however he/she can best
help, and make it fun. First one to get done gets an extra
half hour of TV or whatever other reward is enticing. Focus
more on what your family can and does accomplish, than on
being the martyred sole survivor of the pick-up brigade
Anything you focus on grows. The more you consistently, day
by day, notice and appreciate openly all that your family
does that contributes to a happy home life, the more they
will want to do. The more smiles and praise you liberally
distribute, the less heartache and toil you’ll create for
yourself. Family life can be such a joy--when you
deliberately look for ways to enjoy it.
passive-aggressive individuals
Since the goal of passive-aggressive individuals
is to resist demands from others, frustration and
anger follows them wherever they go -- especially
in a marriage or relationship.
They are often critical, negative, "forgetful,"
sullen, resentful, and complaining. In addition,
they are procrastinators and their performance on
tasks they don't want to do is substandard.
The following recommendation provides a starting
place for a frustrated partner:
* When your spouse makes a snide remark or uses
sarcasm or barbed humor, calmly tell him that you
don't find that way of communicating feelings
acceptable. Stop what you're doing and sit down
with him. State that he must be having some strong
feelings to have made a remark like that, and
you'd rather he just come right out and tell you
what he's feeling.
Whatever you do, don't ignore the barbs or pretend
you didn't hear them when you did. Confront him
with what he's doing
but without being drawn into an argument
or becoming sidetracked by the excuses.
Is Your Mate’s
Passive-Aggressive Behavior Driving You Crazy?
Kayla’s husband Jon is an expert at getting out of things he
doesn’t want
to do. He “forgets” to stop by the store on the way home from
work when he doesn’t want to be bothered. If he doesn’t want
to help Kayla with the house cleaning, he does such a poor
job that she ends up redoing his part.
Outwardly, Jon is agreeable and compliant. When Kayla asks
him to do something, he’ll generally say “okay” or nod in
agreement. Kayla has been let down so many times now that
she’ll generally grill Jon on whether he will really remember
to pick up the milk on the way home or drop off the cleaning.
Each time he promises to remember, and sometimes he actually
does follow through. But much of the time he never has any
intention of doing what he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced
by. He has found that it’s easier to say “yes” when asked and
then offer an excuse.
Jon has become an expert at sabotaging Kayla’s efforts to get
him to take on more responsibility with the kids and
housework. He has “taught” her that he can’t be depended on
and that if she wants to be sure something is done right,
she’ll have to do it.
Kayla has begun thinking that she doesn’t really have two
children, but instead that she really has three, counting her
spouse. Behavior that was age-appropriate when Jon was five
and deliberately “forgetting” to put his toys away after
being asked isn’t appropriate or helpful now as an adult. In
fact, a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior can destroy
intimacy and happiness in a marriage.
Hidden Anger and Manipulation Create “Crazy-Making Behavior”
Individuals with passive-aggressive behavior express their
anger and hostility through indirect, passive actions.
Instead of saying “I don’t think it’s fair that you expect me
to clean the bathroom,” he ( or she) doesn’t protest—he just
never gets around to doing it.
Then, when the mate eventually explodes after numerous
frustrating experiences, the passive-aggressive partner just
looks at the mate calmly, making her feel like the crazy one.
He always has rationalizations and excuses ready and never
takes responsibility or admits he’s at fault in any way. He
always blames someone or something else.
He can be so convincing that sometimes the partner will find
herself apologizing for getting so upset with him. Thus, the
manipulation comes full circle and now the spouse still has
the original problem on her shoulders—not enough help from
her husband. He has “won” because he knows that he can get
off the hook again whenever he needs to.
Sarcasm and Sabotage Can Also Be Indicators
The passive-aggressive spouse knows the weak spots of his
partner and is often practiced in using sarcastic and cruel
remarks under the guise of “humor.” He’ll say that the mate
is too serious or doesn’t have a sense of humor if she
objects, but the “humor” is barbed with hostility and
criticism—another indirect way of getting back at a partner
instead of expressing feelings directly and looking for
solutions.
Many wives have had their diets sabotaged by a passiveaggressive husband who suddenly started bringing home candy
or encouraging the wife to have dessert “just this one time.”
Fear of the spouse becoming too attractive and being noticed
by other men is generally at the root of this type of
passive-aggressive behavior.
On the surface, the husband may sound supportive, but he is
really working to sabotage the wife’s efforts to improve her
looks and wellbeing. He is threatened by it and doesn’t want
her to succeed.
What Can You Do?
Since the goal of passive-aggressive individuals is to resist
demands from others, frustration and anger follows them
wherever they go—especially in a marriage relationship.
They are often critical, negative, “forgetful,” sullen,
resentful, and complaining. In addition, they are
procrastinators and their performance on tasks they don’t
want to do is substandard.
The following recommendations
provide a starting place for a frustrated partner:
1. When your spouse makes a snide remark or uses sarcasm or
barbed humor, calmly tell him that you don’t find that way of
communicating feelings acceptable. Stop what you’re doing and
sit down with him.
State that he must be having some strong feelings to have
made a remark like that and you’d rather he just come right
out and tell you what he’s feeling.
Whatever you do, don’t ignore the barbs or pretend you didn’t
hear them when you did. Confront him with what he’s doing but
without being drawn into an argument or becoming sidetracked
by the excuses.
2. Know that when your intuition or “gut feeling” is that
you’re being manipulated or taken advantage of by the excuses
and rationalizations or lack of response, you probably are
right.
Trust your intuition about this. It will help you to resist
falling into the trap of taking on blame that’s not yours and
thinking that it’s “all you.”
3. When your spouse uses passive-aggressive behavior, state
what you see happening and how confusing that is for you.
Tell him that it’s harming your marriage relationship for him
not to be direct with you.
Say that what he is doing is dishonest and manipulative and
that you see through it, and if he values the marriage, he’ll
make an effort to change.
4. This is one time to take a tough stand on the necessity
for marriage counseling. There are many issues that the two
of you need to work on, including communication and anger.
5. If your spouse absolutely refuses to go to counseling,
then make an appointment for yourself. Individual counseling
can give you the resources and strength to confront your
spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior and pave the way for
more direct communication.
6. Remind yourself that you didn’t cause the passiveaggressive behavior. It’s not your fault. This pattern was in
place before you married.
If your husband exhibits this behavior with you, you can bet
that you’re not the only one who sees this side of him. You
can suggest counseling, but in the final analysis, it’s your
husband’s problem.
7. The decisions you have to make are how to respond to the
passive-aggressive behavior and what to do if your husband
refuses to change or seek help.
The counselor you are working with can help you to handle
these hurdles and to decide if a marital separation might be
an appropriate way to get your husband’s full attention if
nothing else works.
Author's Bio
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control
Conflict
with Your Spouse or Partner, available at
www.ControllingSpouse.com.
She is also co-author of What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I
don't love you anymore!" which is available at
www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet
Magazine.
TRYGHED OG UDFOLDELSE
My Child Is Afraid
& My Child Is Afraid To Try Something New
Child psychology specialist contend that experiencing fear is
normal. Adults are aware that fear is a feeling that will
pass normally after a short period of time. Children who have
not had all the experiences that adults have had are often
more anxious and cautious. One role in parenting children
includes helping our children cope with their fears.
Some of the most common fears that occur in children between
the ages of 5 and 6 include the fear of school, the dark,
small animals, heights, water and getting lost.
Children between the ages of 6 and 11 years of age are often
afraid of thunder and lightening, dentist and doctors,
airplanes and robbers. Children 12 and up often have social
fears. They want to “fit in” and fear that they may not
measure up to the standards that are set by their peers.
Rejection is a common fear in this age group. Taking test,
giving oral reports, being embarrassed and dating are also
common.
What Can Parents Do?
• Don’t dismiss your child’s fears.
Refrain from making comments such as “Stop being silly. You
have nothing to fear.” Instead make supporting statements
such as “I know you are afraid of getting on the bus. Your
best friend and I will be there with you.”
• Let your child know that being afraid or having fears are
okay.
• Gradually help your child to overcome a fear. If the child
is trying something new, it may take more time. Be patient.
• It’s important that you do not become fearful of their
fears, but confident that you have the ability to help your
child work through the situation. Fear can be contagious.
• Help your child build a sense of control. Many children are
fearful or afraid to try something new because they do not
feel in control. For example: A child who is afraid to have
friends over because they do not know what will happen or how
to behave may be more comfortable starting with one friend at
a time. As the parent, you may have to help by being the
activity director. Help plan the activities with your child
and make separate plans just in case the friend is fearful of
trying the activity.
• Children who are fearful need to be in an atmosphere that
is safe and has boundaries. Parents need to set limits. Some
children, who do not exhibit fears, may develop a fear due to
a lack of rules, boundaries and limits set by the parent.
Safety rules for bike riding, seat belts in cars and fire
safety readiness are examples of rules that need to be
established to help our child feel in control and secure.
• If your child is exhibiting on-going fears, crying or
continually refusing to try something new, inform your
medical doctor. Some fears grow into phobias and need to be
addressed by a trained medical professional. If the fear is
school related, speak with the school counselor, social
worker, psychologist, nurse, teacher or administrator.
Trying Something New
• Be aware of the developmental stage that your child is at.
Do not force your child to try something new, but encourage
your child to try. If you show signs of anger or frustration
over your child’s fear, shyness or lack of confidence, this
may only delay your child’s ability to overcome the fear.
• Do not convey your own personal fears to the child. For
example: If you are afraid of the water and participating in
swim lessons, speak to the swim instructor so that he or she
may pay special attention to your child. You may want to take
a separate lesson yourself.
• Some children are afraid of trying something new due to a
fear of failure. If this is the case, reduce competition and
allow your child to try the new activity in a setting where
the number of children involved is low.
• Accompany your child when he or she is trying a new
activity.
• If your child often refuses to make any attempt in trying
new activities, offer alternative activities. For example: “
You may either join Cub Scouts or the AWANA church activity.
I will become a leader in either activity. Which one do you
want to join?”
• Make “trying something new” a family practice. Parents need
to show their children that they can make new friends and
invite friends over to play cards etc. Get the whole family
involved in a new activity together. Do volunteer work. You
no not need a lot of money to get your family doing something
together.
Vedr. SKILSMISSE+BØRN
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Marriage_Counseling_For_In
fidelity_Recovery.html
** Relationship Tip of the Day by Jan Denise
We've learned that it's not good for children to hear their divorced parents
argue or demean each other; children shouldn't have to choose one parent
over the other. And we've learned it's not good for children to hear us
badmouth their stepparents.
We need to take that a step further and talk about what is good for
children, though. It's good for children to see us love them and all the other
members of their families, unconditionally!
A lot to ask? Maybe. Too much to ask? No. Just because you can't partner
with your ex doesn't mean you can't love them. But how do you show love
for his new spouse? The same way you show love for anybody else.
When 50 percent of marriages end in divorce,
75 percent of divorcees remarry, 65 percent of their
marriages
include children from another marriage and 60 percent of
those marriages end in divorce, can there be anything
traditional left about the "traditional family"?
As my husband and I were recently introduced to exes,
stepparents and stepsiblings at a party, we found ourselves
trying to put the puzzle together ... and pieces of it were
ours.
We're creating new traditions.
We have more working moms and fewer children, but baby
sisters and big brothers no longer have to be birthed or
adopted. They can be married into.
Some studies show that children from divorced families have
more social and emotional problems than those from intact
families. But surely children from divorced families who
become part of healthy families can have fewer social and
emotional problems than children who remain in unhealthy
intact families?
We'd do better to make loving -- rather than staying together
or divorcing -- the tradition. And if we make loving the
tradition before getting married (the first time), we're
bound to have fewer divorces and stronger families.
We must start where we are, though. For some of us, it is too
late to marry for love the first time. For some of us, it is
even too late to teach our children to marry for love the
first time. But it's not too late for any of us to teach our
children to love now, right where they are.
That might mean teaching your child to love a stepparent,
stepbrothers and -sisters, and your ex -- maybe even their
own ex! And remember, the best way to teach is by example.
Too often, we send mixed messages. We've learned that it's
not good for children to hear their divorced parents argue or
demean each other; children shouldn't have to choose one
parent over the other. And we've learned it's not good for
children to hear us badmouth their stepparents.
We need to take that a step further and talk about what is
good for children, though. It's good for children to see us
love them, and all the other members of their families,
unconditionally!
A lot to ask? Maybe. Too much to ask? No.
Just because you can't partner with your ex doesn't mean you
can't love them. But how do you show love for his new spouse?
The same way you show love for anybody else.
Get to know the person -- spend time building trust and
listening.
Accept the person -- show respect for what's good in him or
her.
Demonstrate caring for the person -- contribute something to
his or her well-being.
Even at a glance, we see how useful (as well as challenging)
it is to teach children to love, and how irresponsible it is
to teach them to do otherwise.
Imagine what a difference it could make in your child's
relationship with her stepfather if you showed her how to
love him. First, you give her permission to love him without
betraying you. Then you demonstrate what it looks like to
love him -- to love anybody, including herself.
When we teach children to love some people and not others, we
teach them to love conditionally. In other words, we don't
really teach them to love at all.
When we teach children to love everybody, we help them to
extend their family to include everybody … and I think that's
about as healthy as we can hope for. It's not really a new
tradition, though. The documentary "The Real Eve," which
explores our shared genetic heritage, argues the latest DNA
reconstructions link every living person on the earth.
And, of course, neither is love a new tradition. It is the
tradition.
May it always transcend what would otherwise divide us.
Loving Yourself Through Your Divorce Journey
When we’re going through a stressful time like a divorce, how
do you move forward? These are the moments that define who
you are and reveal the important inner workings of your own
mind. Sure, it’s easy to feel good about yourself when things
are going your way. More important to consider is how you
feel about yourself when the going gets tough. When you
stumble and fall along your path, do you dust yourself off
with a loving hand or do you reach for a club to beat
yourself forward? The secret to peace of mind and success is
in learning to love yourself unconditionally.
I coached a client I’ll call Sarah who was going through a
separation. Sarah’s internal dialogue was toxic. “How could
you be so stupid?”, “If you had been a better person this
never would have happened to you!” and “You are going to be
single forever” are just a few examples of the self-talk she
had. Until we worked together, Sarah was not completely aware
of how she treated herself. Sarah was a dog-lover. The penny
dropped when I asked her if she would ever speak to her dogs
this way when teaching them new tricks. Her answer was
“Absolutely not! That would be cruel and totally discouraging
to them! It would make it much harder for them to trust me in
the future.” Sarah realized she was willing to give her dogs
more love, respect and encouragement than she was giving
herself. This was the beginning of her shift to leading with
her heart.
Often people try to move forward through adversity by
bullying or intimidating themselves. Others endlessly secondguess and judge themselves. Sometimes people shame
themselves. Sarah was skilled in all of these modes.
If you want powerful and long-lasting results, learn how to
love yourself through your journey. Be gentle and loving with
yourself. Encourage yourself for every step along the way.
Celebrate your victories and your losses, because each
experience will bring you to a greater understanding of who
you really are.
Here are some strategies to get you started:
1. Identify Your M.O.
What does your typical inner dialogue sound like when you
come up against a challenge? Does that voice sound critical,
blaming or judgmental? Ask yourself where did you first hear
that voice. Perhaps it was with a parent or a teacher when
you were a young child. Consider whether that person got her
desired results in life by using that type of dialogue.
2. Connect with Your Heart
Research compiled by The HeartMath Institute shows that your
heart emits an electromagnetic field that can be measure up
to 8 to 10 feet outside your physical body. The heart’s field
is approximately 5,000 times greater in strength than the
field produced by your brain! The heart plays a central role
not only in circulating blood, but in many other ways that
improve our immune system and manage stress. Connecting with
your heart can be as simple as taking a moment to place your
hand on it, close your eyes and take some deep breaths while
bringing your awareness to your heart center. Connect with
your heart to help break out of the pattern of negative
dialogue.
3. Let A Dog be Your Yardstick
You don’t need to be a dog owner to adopt this strategy.
Become aware of the thoughts you hold about yourself or the
beliefs you have. Stop and ask yourself whether you would
treat a dog, or a small child, in the same way. If not, stop
and connect with your heart again. Treat yourself in that
moment to some kindness and encouragement. Thank yourself for
breaking the pattern and creating a new commitment to loving
yourself forward, instead of beating yourself up.
In each moment of challenge and despair, there is an
opportunity to transform it into a moment of revelation and
insight. The key to that transformation is leading with your
heart.
4 Ways To Keep Anger From Wrecking Your Marriage
By Julie Christiansen
To keep anger from wrecking your marriage or partnership,] openly
discuss how you will communicate with each other when you are feeling
angry. Set the parameters for that discussion when you are both calm and
level-headed. The physiology of anger puts us in a state that is not
conducive to making clear decisions with an eye for future consequences,
so it is best to decide on how you will deal with anger BEFORE it occurs.
Talk about the kinds of things that might spark anger, and how you can
help each other to keep anger-inducing situations to a minimum in the
relationship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I truly believe that when you
marry, it should be with the intention of being with that
partner for life. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are
a dying breed of dinosoars who can only stand by as our
contemporaries drop like flies. In the year that I got
married (1988), I attended at least 5 other weddings - I
believe there were at least 8 couples in my circle of friends
that married that same year. Out of that group, I can think
of only 3 couples that are still together - including myself
and my hubby. Several of those marriages broke up within the
first 5 years.
It makes me sad to think that people can fall in love, and
choose to spend life together, but as soon as challenges come
up, they choose to walk away rather than staying together and
working through each issue. It also occurs to me that most
couples who split experience a great deal of anger and
animosity throughout the breakup process. I'll guarantee you
that the anger they are openly showing at the end was there
for a long time, but they didn't feel safe in expressing
their true feelings.
We know that anger exists, and that it is a basic emotion
that is part of the human construct. It doesn't "go away"
when we ignore it, and it is an emotion worthy of expressing.
If left unchecked and unexpressed, anger can become like a
bitter herb that sours the taste of everything you
experience. It is like a weed that chokes the joy and
excitement out of every experience. It will colour every
interaction you have with your spouse - it dilutes trust, and
spreads seeds of doubt everywhere - to the point that you can
no longer make the distinction between genuine love and
feigned affection. So what can we do about this problem? Here
are 4 quick tips - ways to keep anger from wrecking your
marriage or partnership.
Number ONE:
Openly discuss how you will communicate with each other when
you are feeling angry. Set the parameters for that discussion
when you are both calm and level-headed. The physiology of
anger puts us in a state that is not conducive to making
clear decisions with an eye for future consequences, so it is
best to decide on how you will deal with anger BEFORE it
occurs.
Talk about the kinds of things that might spark anger, and
how you can help each other to keep anger-inducing situations
to a minimum in the relationship.
Number TWO:
Think before you act. This sounds like a no-brainer piece of
advice but it amazes me how many couples take this
forgranted. For example, I remember one friend exploding in
fury at her partner for making a major buying decision
without involving her. They had not discussed the idea, and
he had not expressed his desire for the item to her - but
just went out and bought it. Needless to say, the
conversation didn't go well. In her mind, he hadn't
considered her needs or the needs of their infant daughter,
and he didn't respect her enough to ask her how he should
spend their money... In his mind, why shouldn't he go out and
make a purchase if it was a good deal and would have some
benefit to the family? Had he taken a moment to call her
BEFORE the purchase, and talk about his reasoning for wanting
to do it now, the outcome might have been different. So take
this one seriously - guys and girls alike! Talk to your
partner/spouse about what you're thinking. Ask yourself,
"what could happen if I do what I want to do?" - "What is the
worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that
could happen? Is this worth getting into a fight over?" If
you consider the consequences and possible outcomes BEFORE
you act, and make an informed decision, your outcomes will
always be better.
Number Three:
Never play on opposing teams. When you enter into a marriage,
partnership, or common-law situation, you are choosing your
team. No matter what the issue, whether it is the house, the
job, the kids, the dog, the cat, or the hydro bill, you MUST
remember that you are playing for and fighting for the same
team and you are on the same side. It is rare to see team
members self-destruct on the baseball diamond or on the
hockey rink and start fighting each other. They understand
that in order to win, they must play together, and stand up
for each other. Marriage is just like that. When you are
fighting about how to raise your kids, remember that these
are YOUR kids - you made them together, and you are raising
them together. Your end goal is not to screw them up for
life; it is to help them become responsible, contributing
members of society. You are on the same team. When you look
at it this way, it becomes easier to stay focused on the
issue so that you can solve it together, rather than
resorting to attacking the person for his/her beliefs or
personality flaws. Never lay blame where it doesn't belong.
You would be better to take responsibility for your own
shortcomings, and trust your partner to do the same for
his/hers. Even if you think you are justified in laying
blame, go back to point number two: will saying, "It's your
fault" make the situation better or worse? It might be better
to ask, "Now that we are faced with this problem, what can we
do together to fix this?" Work together - play for the same
team - fight for the same army. Your marriage and your kids
will thank you for it.
Number Four:
Be open and honest about your feelings. I'm not sure why, but
it seems to get harder for some couples to share their
feelings with each other - the longer they are together. You
would think it would get easier, but not so. The fact is that
in order for a relationship to work, there must be open
communication about everything, not just about who is going
to pick up Suzie from daycare, and who should take out the
trash. When you're talking about the things that matter, it
is imperative that you share how you feel, and what you want.
If you don't say these things, your spouse will not be able
to read your mind - no matter how long you've been together.
You need to take responsibility for your wants, needs,
thoughts, opinions, and feelings - and share them with your
partner. S/he needs to do the same. Remove all doubt, and
just say it like it is. Remember to OWN your feelings - don't
lay blame (see previous item) and say, "You make me..." just say, "I feel... I need... I want... I think..." This is
called "sharing", folks, and if you remember - you used to do
this all the time when you were dating. This is why you felt
so connected, and why you decided to go ahead and make it
official. Now that you are together in a "committed"
relationship - you can't toss those communication tools out
the window. You need them more than ever.
You'll notice that one word keeps re-occuring in this
article: the word BEFORE. Ensuring that your marriage stays
anger-proof is all about being proactive. If you anticipate
what challenges could throw a monkey wrench into your
relationship, and attack it head on before it creeps up on
you, you have a much better chance of preserving your
marriage partnership. Openness, honesty, vulnerability, and
humility are all keys to making a marriage work. Most
marriages fail due to lack of communication - so get those
lines open, and keep them open. Stuffing your anger inside
will only cause you to become sick, bitter, and lonely in
your marriage - and will inevitably send you looking
elsewhere for the love you lost. Truth is: the love you lost
is in your house, probably stuffed under a sofa cushion, or
tucked away in a box of love letters in the basement. It is
there - and has been all along. By opening up your
communication, and planning to play together, you can get it
back before it's too late.
“I was always looking outside myself for strength
and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.
- Anna Freud, 1895-1982, Austrian-born Psychoanalyst
5 Paths to Deeper Intimacy
By Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.,
Mar 6, 2008
The struggle to keep intimacy alive is one of the most
important relationship challenges you'll ever face. And
you're not alone...
"I love my husband, but lately I feel a distance between us.
It's not the way it used to be…" ~Joan (married for nineteen
years)
"We're just not on the same wavelength anymore.
It's getting to the point where she does her thing and I do
mine…"
~Eric (living with his girlfriend of four years)
"We only seem to talk about practical things: who's picking
our son up from daycare, what to eat for dinner, where to go
for the holidays. We never talk about us anymore…" ~ Jasmine
(just celebrated her seventh wedding anniversary)
All these couples share a similar struggle: The loss of a
deep connection that once grounded their marriage or
relationship.
An Intimacy Primer
Intimacy is the foundation of your relationship--of all
romantic relationships. Couples often seek my help because of
intimacy-related issues--they love each other but are unable
to keep their deep connection alive. It is this need for
meaningful connection (emotional, physical and sometimes
spiritual) that drives us to find a life-partner, a soulmate.
And intimacy is all about connection.
Couples are often surprised to discover that love does not
guarantee intimacy. You're are not alone if a growing divide
has crept between you and your partner. It's painfully ironic
to be in love, yet feel disconnected; to be loved, yet still
feel alone.
The good news is that you have the power to breathe new life
into your relationship. The most important first step is
understanding the conditions that support and nurture
intimacy.
The Path to Meaningful Intimacy:
1. Show that You are Trustworthy
You and your partner need to trust each other.
When intimacy suffers, it is often because trust has been
damaged in some way. A lack of trust can begin with a
traumatic experience, like an affair, but often it is the
result of more subtle problems. Repeatedly broken promises,
inconsistent behaviors (for example, your partner is patient
and supportive one day, but easily frustrated and annoyed
with you the next), and a lack of responsiveness to each
other's needs set the stage for mistrust and the erosion of
intimacy.
2. Show that You are Committed
Can you imagine feeling deeply connected to someone who
openly expressed uncertainty about the future of your
marriage? Would you bare your soul to a partner who eyes the
nearest exit when the going gets rough? Probably not. That's
where commitment, a prerequisite for intimacy, comes in.
Commitment sends the message that you're both in the
relationship for the long haul, not just during the joyous
highs of the relationship, but during the inevitable lows as
well.
3. Practice Acceptance
When you practice acceptance you give your partner the gift
of unconditional love. You create an atmosphere of safety
that allows your partner to bring all of her/himself to the
relationship, from beauty marks to warts. A deep connection
can only occur when judgmental attitudes are suspended and
replaced by authentic invitations of acceptance. Remember
that differences between you and your partner do not imply
right versus wrong--so put the brakes on judging your partner
and send the message that you appreciate and accept all the
things that make him/her unique.
4. Validate Each Another
We all need to feel understood by others. One of the most
powerful ways to create a bridge of intimacy is by showing
your partner that you understand his/her experience.
Validation makes people feel sane. It tells us that we're
justified in having our reactions, that we're not alone in
how we think and feel. When you make efforts to see the world
through your partner's eyes, you have taken a huge step
toward a more intimate and fulfilling union.
5. Develop Shared Interests
The development of shared interests is one of the most
powerful ways to create a more fulfilling, intimate
relationship. When you share mutually satisfying activities
with your partner, you connect with him/her in a positive,
meaningful way. This adds a spark to your connection, helping
you rekindle the playfulness that existed early in your
relationship. Shared interests and activities foster a sense
of togetherness and also buffer against the daily stress and
grind of life. Developing enjoyable routines that you both
agree on can go a long way toward preventing problems in the
future.
The loss of intimacy is a painful reality in many marriages
and relationships. This is often the result of a failure to
understand the conditions that allow intimacy to thrive. Use
the five conditions above as a roadmap to guide you and your
partner toward a stronger and healthier connection.
Are you ready to build a stronger, more intimate
relationship?
Visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for
Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. Once
each month, you’ll receive practical tips and suggestions you
can apply to your own relationship
Some Boats Need to be Rocked
One Block in Any Direction
My earliest memory of being unable to speak for
myself goes back to when I was four years old. I
was allowed to cross the street, one block in
every direction. When our neighbor found me
playing across the street, he didn't believe I had
permission to cross. He brought me home in
"disgrace" and ranted on and on like he was some
kind of superhero who saved me and the planet from
certain destruction. No one spoke for me.
Inwardly I screamed, "One block in any direction!
I'm allowed! Why aren't you telling him?"
Outwardly I could only cry. I doubt my mother
understood what she taught me that day. She may
have thought she taught me to put my best foot
forward, but she actually taught me to put a false
front forward. She taught me that if someone is
likely to object to what you have to say, you
don't say it. She taught me that if the truth is
likely to rock the boat, you stay silent, you
pretend.
An Early Tsunami Warning
Silence is a lesson I learned all too well.
The first half of my life was based on the theme
of putting a front forward that wouldn't rock the
boat, create waves, or even a tiny ripple. That
continued until I avoided a ripple that was really
an early tsunami warning.
The tsunami was my late husband Mike's cancer. The
ripple I avoided was his wrath when I voiced my
concerns about early indications that something
was terribly wrong. I got a clue of what when I
read a passage in a book telling how Harvey
Peterson beat his tumor to the punch. I was
shocked to realize that Harvey's symptoms sounded
just like Mike's.
I showed
threw it
Meryl, I
about it
mother."
the passage to Mike, who took the book,
across the room, and screamed, "Damn it,
don't have cancer! And don't talk to me
again! Don't you dare say anything to my
I responded in what had become my habitual
way...if my husband was upset with me, obviously I
had done something terribly wrong. If I had done
something wrong, I needed to avoid doing it again.
I returned to the "safer" waters of agreeing with
him. I almost drowned nine months later when I
lost him to untreated cancer.
Whose Hand Is Over Your Mouth?
After Mike died, I considered myself a victim of
his denial. It took a year for me to realize I was
really a volunteer who chose to put a false front
forward when heartfelt honesty was the only hope
we had.
It happened at my counselor's office. He
interrupted himself mid-sentence to ask, "Why is
your hand over your mouth? Whose hand is that? Who
is keeping you from speaking?"
I was stunned to realize I had my OWN hand over my
mouth. I silenced myself. And it always had been
my own hand over my mouth. Mike could never have
silenced me had I not chosen to allow it.
Boat Rocking Lessons
I silenced myself because I didn't want to rock
the boat. Now I realize that some boats
desperately need to be rocked. If I don't speak
for myself, no one else will.
I became a woman on a mission -- a mission to
figure out how to rock the boats that need to be
rocked without capsizing or sinking.
That was over twenty years ago. I've rocked a lot
of boats since then.
It didn't happen overnight. Once I realized I had
lost my voice, it took years to find it again. I
started in safe environments. I started speaking
up and out in the safe haven of my counselor's
office. (That was harder than you might think
because my habit of "making nice" was so deeply
entrenched.) I started being stronger with my son.
(Was it possible that that beautiful being of
light was manipulating me?) I set better
boundaries with my boyfriend. (He resisted, and we
broke up.) I began to say no to my clients more
often. (Some of them didn't like it, but I sure
did!)
After ten years of reclaiming my voice, I
contacted a seminar company and told them I wanted
to work for them (even though I had no relevant
experience.) They said no. A year later I
contacted them again and told them I still wanted
to work for them. They said yes. Speaking up for
what I wanted worked and felt really good.
Helping Others
Rock the Right Boats in the Right Way
In my role as a seminar leader, I encouraged
others to address issues and be their own
advocates. I adopted a simple phrase that
epitomizes my approach to communication -- I'll
give it to you now. That phrase is:
Say what you mean and mean what you say,
but don't be mean when you say it.
The simplicity of that phrase makes it powerful.
During my seminars I noticed how empowered people
become when they get the right words to address
their own hot-button issues. I call those perfect
words Power Phrases. When I shared my Power
Phrases, I saw people transformed in front of my
eyes. They actually seemed taller. I decided to
write my first book, "PowerPhrases!" to give
people actual words for their most difficult
situations. I started my weekly newsletter, A
PowerPhrase a Week, to reinforce the new behavior.
Had I Known Then What I Know Now
It's possible that had I had the words and the
communication skills when my husband became ill,
he would still be with me today. It was one of the
most treatable kinds of cancer there was. But
there are no guarantees. I still may have lost
him...but I would have not lost myself. It's much
easier to weather the loss of a love when you
haven't also lost yourself.
A Stunning Contrast
When I compare life now to my "pre-tsunami life,"
the contrast is stunning. I used to live in a
constant state of resentment. Now I've almost
forgotten what resentment feels like. I used to
have chronically conflicted emotions. Now inner
conflict is rare for me. But best of all, while I
used to hide behind a false front, I'm authentic
now. I love being me. And I love helping others be
themselves.
I also love saying what I mean and meaning what I
say without being mean when I say it.
About the Author:
Meryl is the President and CEO of SpeakStrong,
Inc. a training, speaking, consulting, and
information services company. Her first book,
"PowerPhrases!" has sold over 200,000 copies.
Visit http://www.SpeakStrong.com
Check out for Meryl Runion, the Official
SelfGrowth.com Guide to Management Skills:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/experts/meryl_runion.htm
l
If you continually notice the "bad"
or negative, you will get more of that.
If you notice everything you do not like about your partner, you will get
more of THAT. Try noticing, validating, and acknowledging the things
you want more of. Like, "I really like it when you kiss me goodbye." Keep
the "hooks" out of the comments. "I really like it when you (finally
remember to) kiss me goodbye." That is a hook; it makes the nice positive
statement hurtful and negative. Try noticing what you want; see if it
works. Keep the "hooks" out of your compliments too.
10 Hot Marriage Counseling Tips
For Relationship Enhancement
Slow down and ListenWhen we communicate we sometimes ignore what our partner is
saying. Our thoughts are on what we will say next. If you pay
attention to your partners words and then reflect back what
you hear them say or feel, they will feel heard and you will
be on the road to a resolution of the issue. Does someone,
maybe yourself, in your life keep repeating themselves over
and over? It is probably because they are not feeling heard.
Try the reflective listening and see if you can stop them
from repeating.
You get what you NOTICE.
This goes for positive and negative. This concept works
especially with parenting. If you continually notice the
“bad” or negative, you will get more of that. If you notice
every thing you do not like about your partner, you will get
more of THAT. Try noticing, validating, and acknowledging the
things you want more of. Like, “I really like it when you
kiss me goodbye.” Keep the “hooks” out of the comments. “I
really like it when you (finally remember to) kiss me
goodbye.” That is a hook, it makes the nice positive
statement hurtful and negative. Try noticing what you want,
see if it works. Keep the “hooks” out of your compliments
too.
Express your anger Assertively.
Anger is just an emotion. It is not “good” or “bad.” Emotions
are our barometer to our world. They tell us if we like what
is happening or we do not like what is going on around us.
Anger is a good emotion in that it tells us when something
hurtful is happening. Expressing our anger is an important
aspect of good emotional health. Feeling anger is good, it is
how we express it that gets us into trouble or not.
Expressing our anger in an aggressive or hurtful way will
damage our relationship. My website has a short seven step
anger management chapter. Sometimes we just need to tools to
help us express in an assertive way. Find a program that will
help you. Remember you learned how to express your anger in
your family of origin. It is a learned behavior and therefore
you CAN change it.
Be polite and kind.
This is almost too basic right? Well sometimes when we are
with people every day we forget to treat them with respect
and kindness. Just because they are our partner or our family
does not mean they do not deserve care and kindness. Kids
respond to being “asked” to do something politely instead of
demanded. And I have a secret for you-ADULTS respond that way
too. So, if you want your partner to DO something, try asking
politely. If we are stressed with life, sometimes we take it
out on our family. If you find that is your pattern, find a
way to reduce your stress so that you can be kind to the
people who care most important to you and care about you more
than any one else.
Take care of you TOO
Taking care of others is admirable. Sometimes we get our good
feelings about ourselves by taking care of others. If you
“routinely” take care of others needs instead of your own,
you may have some co-dependent tendencies. If you feel you
may have co-dependent behaviors that interfere with your
relationship, find a way to change. There are several books
on Co-Dependent Behaviors. My favorite is Co-Dependent No
More by Melodie Beattie. Taking care of you is important so
you can truly be there for others when you need to be. Think
of it as having a basket that contains your issues. Everyone,
everyone in the world, has a personal basket of issues. If
you take others issues out of their basket to “take care of
them” then you are robbing them of the chance to use their
own power over their world. When someone throws their
“issues” in your basket you can take them back out and put
them where they belong. If you are co-dependent you will keep
them there. Again, I want to remind you that we learn a lot
of patterns in our family of origin. If we were given the
role of caretaker while we were growing up, we may have a
hard time getting free from that pattern.
Remember YOU are the only thing you really control
Okay, you don’t have to believe this to begin with. Hear me
out. Think about it. If you ask your child to do something
and they refuse-even if you beat them within and inch of
their life(PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME)-and then they do
what you want them to do-THEY are still deciding to DO.
Adults are the same. We cannot make someone angry. Someone
cannot MAKE us angry. Don’t give anyone else that power. Only
you can decide if you are going to be angry. You only have
control over yourself and your own behaviors and your own
choices. Take a deep breath…..try it on. It will actually
lower your stress level to realize you cannot control the
world…..
It is okay to make a Mistake and be “wrong”
It takes a person comfortable with themselves and secure to
opening be okay with making mistakes. That seems so
backwards. When we are human we make mistakes. Now I know I
am a “Goddess”, but I am a “human” Goddess, so making
mistakes is okay. Actually, isn’t is just so annoying with
you have to be with someone who thinks they are perfect and
thinks they don’t ever do anything wrong. AND wouldn’t it
just be awful to try to live with someone who really truly is
perfect and never makes mistakes. YIKES!!! I want someone who
is “real”, flaws and mistakes and human frailties and
all…..must easier to be the real ME then.
BE aware you both can be RIGHT
When couples come in for counseling, one of the first things
I like them to do is to have a personality profile completed.
This will help them notice the “differences.” On the link
page of my website is “get personality profile” it will take
you to the home page for Keirsey Sorter Personality Profile.
I will help you maximize your similarities and appreciate
your differences.
It CAN be different not right and wrong. Give it a try.
Touch more, touch more, touch more
This is my favorite one. This doesn’t mean groping or sexual
touching. Well, the sexual touching is good to if it is
consensual. This touch is good ole HUMAN touching. I care
about you, I love you, I think you are special-touching. Try
stroking hair gently, squeezing hands, hugs are perfect, back
of the hand on the check, pat-anywhere. Here is where the
communication is so important. ASK your partner what kind of
touching they would like. TELL your partner what kind of
touching you would like. Sometimes we just need to be touched
or held and not have sex. Have a touching conversation with
your partner….okay that was a sneaky one. You get the
picture. Give it a try. Non-sexual touching. Basic human need
is for human touch. Don’t get me wrong, sex can be an
important part of a relationship too. If your sex does not
sizzle, find some information about being a lover. We are not
taught to be a lover….we have to do this on our own or with
the world of media information. We all know media information
can be wrong…so get the straight scope on sex. Take a
workshop together. COMMUNICATE about your needs and wishes.
Talk about fantasy and see if you can fulfill those for each
other. Touch of all kinds help a relationship-usually- by
that I mean you must communicate personal preferences. So,
TALK about it.
Take time to be together, talk, listen,
care, touch, this builds and nurtures your RELATIONSHIP
When I counsel couples, at one point I will give them four
hour homework. I spell this out in my relationship healing
and enhancement program in the chapter, Hot Monogamy. Yes,
Monogamy can be hot, but it takes work and time and
attention. A relationship is a living thing. It needs to be
nurtured and attention must be given. A relationship does not
take care of itself.
SO, if you want Hot Monogamy, pay attention.
Take relationship time, away from kids and others. Make
special time for just the partners in a relationship. Talk
about what you like, need, and want. Give yourself the gift
of forever love with your partner, schedule routine time
together - ALONE. This means weekly, daily, monthly. Learn
some activities that will increase your emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy will bring a deeper more caring aspect to
your relationship.
In closing; I wish you JOY and Happiness in your
relationship. Take care of YOU and communicate your needs.
Express yourself in a way that does not hurt anyone-even you.
Find the HOT Monogamy that is available. BE HAPPY.
Thanks for reading.
Yvonne Sinclair M.A.
http://www.marriagecounseling4u.com/
Finding Your Dreams
by Leaving Your Comfort Zone – By John Seeley
What do you desire that you don't have now? A new
job? A new relationship? A new home? Make a list
of all the things you want in every category you
can think of. Everything you desire that you don't
have is outside of your comfort zone. Do you want
to release some weight or be in better shape? If
you do, then you just got your answer on how to
find everything else on your list. Einstein said,
"To continue doing the same thing, expecting
different results, is insanity." The implication
is if you want different results, you have to do
something different.
That is where most people stop. They either feel
that they can't change, or they come up with
reasons not to change. Either way, nothing new
happens. Change is scary for many people. Men
might not admit it, but it scares them too. Change
usually represents the unknown. Fear of the
unknown is a big cause of stuckness. If we can
recognize the fear and push through it, we usually
find that whatever we were afraid of isn't as bad
as we thought. Sometimes it's not only pleasant
but down right exciting!
Change happens instantly. Deciding to change
usually takes time, sometimes years. The easiest
way to change is the baby step process. Set your
goal, but then break it down to very small and
very doable tasks. Begin by choosing something you
can definitely complete today. It could be as easy
as looking up a phone number. You don't even have
to place the call. Just look up the number. You
may find that you will place the call, but the
goal was only to look up the number. When you
complete your small goal, you are retraining your
subconscious mind to work with you. Since the
majority of our lives are run by our subconscious
mind, it's best to get it to align itself with our
conscious mind.
Sometimes we don't want to choose for fear we
might make a mistake. Not choosing is a choice.
It's another way we stay stuck. Procrastination is
putting off the inevitable, which usually makes it
worse. Why not empower yourself by taking the time
to evaluate your choices, choose the best one, and
take action? If it's something that involves
something unpleasant, why not get it out of the
way, which allows the healing to begin to take
place?
Sometimes it helps if you have support while going
though your changes. So build a support team. Find
people that will be supportive of the changes you
want to make. Oftentimes the people closest to you
are actually the ones that oppose you changing. So
be careful who you choose. A professional has your
best interest at heart. Whether a coach, a
trainer, a therapist, or a friend or family
member, be sure they know how you want to be
supported. We each like support in our own way.
Once you have a plan and a support system in
place, dip your toe in the water outside your
comfort zone and see what you find. Chances are
you'll be pleasantly surprised.
About the Author:
John Seeley, MA is the author of "Get Unstuck! The
Simple Guide to Restart Your Life."
Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments.
The Value Of Friendship
Although most people don’t consider themselves isolated or
friendless, 1/4 of Americans say they don’t have even a
single close friend (according to a study reported in USA
Today, June 23, 2006). This is a change from just 20 years
ago when only 10% reported having no close friendships. Maybe
our expectations have changed. Maybe we don’t expect friends
to take the time to listen or to have the skills to help us
reflect on our problems. But if not, why not?
In the 1970s my husband was on the baseball team at Stanford
and when the team traveled to another university for a game,
the guys spent their time on the bus talking together. About
what? He doesn’t remember. But there was nothing else for
them to do. Without ipods and laptops, these guys were forced
to use each other to pass the time and build the camaraderie
that cemented friendships he has to this day.
He went back for a Stanford reunion last year and saw
something that alarmed him: When the football team got off
the bus, they weren’t talking or laughing; they were all
plugged into ipods. None of them seemed connected with each
other. He imagined they spent the entire duration of the trip
alone in their own world of music rather than goofing around,
strategizing, learning more about each other, in other words,
creating bonds that would last beyond their time as college
athletes. He felt saddened for them. How would kids from the
suburbs and those from blighted urban areas bridge the gap
among themselves if they didn’t find more common ground than
what was underneath their feet during a game?
How does technology affect our friendships and even our
ability to know how to be a good friend? If what used to be a
natural alignment such as teammates can be broken by a
pocket-sized white rectangle that puts us in a bubble, how
are we to reach out or be reached out to? Even taking the bus
to work used to involve seeing the same people every day,
affording us an opportunity to reach out to our neighbors and
develop connections. Today, on a typical bus ride during
commute hours, more than likely we will be on our cell phone
or plunking at our laptop keyboard, using the bus as our
mobile office (or catching up on sleep). We’re working longer
and harder and the price we pay is increased isolation.
With online chat rooms and dating services, text messaging,
and email, we can “exclude the wrong people” and avoid
“wasting time.” But how many of us who are happy in a
relationship would have picked our mates out of a line up?
Did we really end up using the criteria we had in our minds
or on paper? Does our partner really look or always behave
like our wish list? Who are we overlooking by not taking the
time to have a cup of coffee but instead choosing to not
“wink” back at?
What can we do about this trend? And do we want to do it? Is
it simply more efficient to pay for therapy or coaching? The
problem with relying solely on “professional friendship” is
that they are not there when you need someone to pick up your
child from school because your boss wants you to stay late or
the car breaks down. And unfortunately, you might be afraid
to bother even those you consider friends if you haven’t
taken the time to nurture these relationships. Needing
something in an emergency becomes an embarrassment instead of
part of the pact of friendship.
But even beyond emergencies, we owe it to ourselves to have
at least one or two people who are available to us without
having to whip out our appointment calendars. It takes
conscious effort these days. We may not live in walking
distance of that special friend. We have jobs and chores and
families that demand so much of our time and focus. But we
need friendship perhaps today more than ever.
The fewer outside friendships, the more pressure we put on
mates, who are as ill prepared and time crunched as everyone
else. Many of my clients fight with their significant others
more about communication or lack of it than about sex, money,
or children. They complain that they never get to the real
issues because they can’t find the time to talk to each other
or don’t feel listened to, resulting in escalating arguments
rather than solutions. Couples sometimes schedule an
appointment with me just to carve out the uninterrupted time
to talk or to have a mediator who will keep them from hurting
each other’s feelings. My work is about teaching them to
listen better, to feed back each other’s words so that they
each know they are being heard objectively, and to
communicate more sensitively. This takes practice--lots of
it, practice we are deprived of increasingly in our
technological wonderland.
So it isn’t just technology that is the problem. One of
technology’s side effects is the dwindling of our social
skills. It takes more than just time to be a good listener;
it takes skill. One has to learn to focus one’s attention on
someone else to discern and help with underlying feelings
that might be too painful or embarrassing to reveal
immediately. This can’t be done via text messaging or email.
It is tricky enough to do on the phone when we can’t see
someone’s face. Without practice or the expectation from one
another that we provide this, we lose both the ability and
the commitment to provide the glue that binds us as something
more than acquaintances. Without deep and intimate
friendships, we end up enduring, stewing in our own juices of
self-doubt and self-criticism.
Nurturing friendships requires changing our routine:
unplugging from the TV and computer, picking up the phone
instead of emailing, sharing meals together, setting up “play
dates” just as we do for kids, and most of all, slowing down
long enough to listen.
If these words speak to you, call (don’t email) your friends
today, acknowledge them for something, thank them for gracing
you with their loyalty. A true friend is both an investment
and a treasure.
Author's Bio
Jane Straus works her magic "live" with individuals and
couples on air, on the phone, or in the privacy of her
office. She is the author of the popular "Enough Is Enough!
Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life,"
written after being diagnosed and treated for a brain tumor
when she was 48. Her philosophy of thriving is based on her
25 years of experience helping people overcome fears, selfjudgments, and limiting beliefs.
For more information, visit www.JaneStraus.com.
Heeding Relationship Red Flags
By Dr. Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Mar 7, 2008
The sport of auto racing traditionally uses a system of
colored flags to communicate important messages to the
participating drivers. Typically, there is a primary flagman
who waves the flags atop a flagstand in the middle of the
course. But because many drivers may not be able to see the
flagstand, several other officials are stationed along the
course to direct traffic and keep drivers aware of various
road conditions and hazards.
It isn't much of a stretch to see how this aspect of
professional car racing can help explain some important
aspects of dating, since singles are told to look out for
"red flags" while following a dating "road map" and
navigating relationship "curves and obstacles."
In auto racing, flags are used to inform all drivers of the
general status of a race. A solid green flag is usually
displayed to indicate the start of a race. If a race is not
under caution or delayed, it is said to be under "green-flag"
conditions. The solid yellow flag, or caution flag, requires
drivers to slow down due to a hazard on, or off, the track.
The checkered flag is the most famous flag in auto racing -it invariably indicates that a driver has completed, and won,
the race.
But it's the solid red flag that is referred to the most when
racing analogies are made to dating. In auto racing, the red
flag is displayed when track conditions are considered too
unsafe to continue the race. Heeding the red flag is
necessary in order to prevent serious car accidents or
injuries to the racers. In dating, a "red flag" is defined as
a behavior you observe or experience in your dating partner
that warns you of a problem area in the relationship, or
about the other person.
"Red flags" can be information or behaviors alerting you to
the possibility that any one of your relationship needs or
requirements won't be met by your dating partner, or that
something is going on that could potentially cause mental,
emotional or physical harm.
Unfortunately, red flag behaviors are often ignored by
singles eager to have a relationship. Staying in such a
relationship can be unfulfilling, painful, or at worst,
harmful to others as well, such as children, relatives or
friends. Consequently, singles need to be as conscious as
possible while navigating the dating racetrack on the way to
the finish line, being on the lookout for the red flags when
they appear.
Jerry thought he saw a red flag when he noted Michelle's
apparent lack of warmth when they were around children. Jerry
was a single father with sole custody of his two children,
and wanted to remarry and hopefully have more. Michelle had
never-married, and while she said she wanted children,
Jerry was concerned when he observed how she interacted with
the various children they met when they went out together
(like their nieces and nephews or children of friends).
Michelle's behavior around children was a red flag for Jerry,
as he wondered if she would be able to meet his relationship
needs and requirements of building a family. I encouraged
Jerry to share his observations with Michelle, in order to be
clear about this aspect of the relationship he wanted.
Michelle was initially upset when Jerry raised his concerns,
saying that of course she wanted and loved children! However,
Jerry persevered and shared his observations of her behaviors
and what they meant to him. As they discussed the issue,
Michelle concluded that her behavior most likely reflected a
"different style" of relating to others, especially to
children, coupled with a certain amount of nervousness on her
part. As they continued to date and socialize more over
tiime, Jerry saw how Michelle made greater efforts to engage
with others, not just children, and the red flag was replaced
by a green "all clear" flag.
Jerry was able to successfully acknowledge and attend to this
red flag because he knew what he wanted in a relationship and
didn't see it in Michelle's behavior. He trusted his
instincts that Michelle was not acting in a way that he
wanted the future mother of his children to act. Rather than
ignore these warning signs, he listened to his instincts and
took appropriate action.
Unfortunately, many singles don't listen to their inner voice
when something doesn't feel right in their relationship.
While drug, alcohol or physical abuse are obvious red flags
one shouldn't ignore, some other behaviors are not always so
clear.
Shelly and Marvin had gone out for three months and enjoyed
each other's company. They shared many interests and pursuits
and had similar spiritual and life goals. Shelly was
especially attracted to Marvin's intellect, and enjoyed
listening to him express his opinions on a variety of
subjects of which he was well-informed. Shelly was inspired
to learn more about some of these subjects and formed her own
opinions, which she looked forward to sharing with Marvin
during their dates. Marvin encouraged her participation, but
Sandy found that he did not really listen to her ideas and
instead used them as a way to talk more about his opinions,
and himself.
Shelly initially didn't want to "rock the boat" by asking
Marvin for what she needed, since in so many ways she thought
they had a good relationship. But she saw this as a red flag
needing attending though, and eventually asked Marvin to
listen to her more and interrupt her less. He initially
agreed, but Shelly later noted that while she spoke, Marvin
was not really listening to what she said; he was just
waiting to have his turn. And when he spoke, he was
dismissive of Shelly's opinions and ideas.
Shelly had to determine if the negative way Marvin treated
her was enough of a red flag to warrant ending the
relationship.
Staying in a relationship with someone demonstrating red flag
behaviors does not provide a strong foundation for a happy,
gratifying relationship. Many singles ignore red flags, only
to realize that the negative behaviors they experience with
someone also indicates how they treat others. Remember, what
you learn about your dating partner while dating is valuable
information to help you predict the quality of your
relationship in the future. So if Marvin is dismissive and
bombastic now, Shelly has to think how this behavior could,
for example, affect his ability to eventually get along with
his in-laws and raise their children.
Red flags typically don't get better and don't go away, even
if ignored. And red flags don't miraculously cure themselves
or go away even if you do recognize them and try to discuss
them with the offending partner.
Just as in car racing, red flags have to be observed and
heeded.
But sometimes you have to get out and locate different
opportunities -- ones with green flag conditions indicating
the potential for a more fulfilling and gratifying life
partner relationship at the finish line.
© Copyright 2006-2008 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
Author's Bio
Practicing as a psychologist for over 22 years, Dr. Janice
has treated many singles looking to get married, but who had
become depressed and demoralized by the dating process. visit
her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
To know what people really think,
pay regard to what they do,
rather than what they say.
- George Santayana
Real generosity toward the future
lies in giving all to the present. - Albert Camus
The Truth About Helping Others with the Law of Attraction
You might think that by helping others, it is helping you
demonstrate
how to apply the Law of Attraction through compassion and
gratitude.
This could be true (or not) depending on how you help others
when you are intentionally applying the Law of Attraction.
The question is really: Why do you help others?
Many people don't give for the sake of giving. They sometimes
have agendas attached to the 'help' and the giving. Agendas
may include wanting to convince someone else that you are a
'good' person, giving so it will bring your LOA manifestation
quicker through compassion and gratitude (this is one's silly
”Hey Universe, look at me now!” play. The Universe is smarter
than that!), showing another person that you are better than
they are by giving, maybe you're ashamed that you have money
and give and help out of a sense of 'money guilt', and the
list doesn't stop here.
It is always wonderful to help and give to your fellow man;
you don't have to have a reason to do it. But the Universe
knows the true reason you give and will return to you what
and why you give through your feelings. You see, you can't
hide the true reason because it is your feelings that speak
to the Universe, and you can't hide your feelings. In effect,
we 'tell on ourselves' to the Universe, and this is part of
the Universal truth. And it is a good thing!
If you are giving out of ego, you will receive the same.
If you are giving from shame, be prepared for more shaming
experiences.
How you give is important --- with or without the Law of
Attraction. But we guarantee that no matter how you give, the
Universe has your number and you will soon receive what you
have given out with the intention you included with the help
you gave.
Give for the sake of giving. Give from a caring and loving
heart.
Give minus the ego and the inflation of the physical self. If
you give
and you say to yourself, I'm so good. I helped and gave to
another human being. Get a load of me! You are giving from
the space of ego. When you give of your time or your money
with a caring and compassionate heart, you will be rewarded
with care and compassion in your own life.
There is only one way to help another person and that is with
an open heart and a feeling of joy because you are helping
someone who needs help. The person you are helping is also
you, if you think about it, because you are always a
reflection of your inner thoughts.
Go out and do a wonderful deed for the sake of doing a
wonderful deed
and not because you expect anything in return (except for a
smile and a thank you). And how you help will determine if
you get a smile
and a thank you back from the Universe.
Real generosity toward the future
lies in giving all to the present. - Albert Camus
For more information about Beth and Lee products and
services, please visit: Beth and Lee McCain Law of Attraction
Web Site
http://www.bethandleemccain.com/
How To Communicate With
“Emotionally Distant” Men
I realized something important this week about how men think and act.
It's that men who pay attention and think about the feelings they have, why
they have them, what they mean and how to talk about them are RARE.
And it's even more unique and special for a man to pay attention to his
feelings in relationships with women and to be able to talk openly about
them.
So like everyone else, I like to think that I'm special.
But am I really different than other men?
Here's what I want to talk to you aboutWhy can't men talk about their feelings?
It's like they're helpless morons when it comes to knowing and sharing how
they feel with you. And why do men react so weird when you want to talk
about things like issues, emotions, relationships, commitment, marriage?
The answer is pretty fascinating but has more than one simple dimension to
it.
Let me ask you...
Have you ever asked a man how he feels about you or your situation
and then he starts acting all freaked out?
He turns into a deer in headlights.
Or even worse, he starts getting angry and frustrated and turns
the conversation back on you with unrelated problems or issues.
Well, you've run into the BRICK WALL guys have with relationship
communication.
And guess what?
It's YOUR´s own fault - too!
Yep, I'm not letting you shift the blame
to someone else for what matters in your life.
As some of my more enlightened friends like to say:
“Don't go to victim” If you know someone can't communicate a certain way,
it's up to you to find a better way.
Then once you can reach them you can help them improve.
As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice and shame on me.”
So are you continuing to bang your head against the brick wall?
The Shame is on you! Too.
Lots of women do - all their lives over and over in relationships until they've
become convinced that men are idiots and you can't ever make things work.
There's a better way, but you'll never figure things out
just trying what makes sense to YOU.
Don't be RIDICULOUS!
Planning and approaching issues in your life
just by what “makes sense” is not only naive, it's honestly pretty stupid.
That's why people go to school, they go to college, they study and read,
they go through job training and THEN they go out and make a go of it.
So how much thinking, planning, reading and learning have you done around
the things that effect your relationships and your love life? Maybe you picked
up the latest best-seller by some publishers daughter on something dumb like
how swans mate and are monogamous and you and your guy can be beautiful
and happy like swans in love too...
Are you banging your head against the wall?
Or are you looking to learn?
Here something fascinating to learn...
Men have a “SECRET BUTTON” you can push that will make communicating
with them almost effortless. And if you learn what it is and how to use it you'll
be able to get at what he really thinks and feels... and teach him how to talk to
and understand you.
So let me take you through a situation
I guarantee you've either been in before or you'll be in with a man...
HELLO!
That means pay attention because this is one of those “universal situations”
that can mean priceless knowledge for you. Let's say your talking with a man
you're interested in and you want to take things to “the next level” but you
don't know how. And you've been waiting on him to talk to you or express his
interest or love for a while.
But he hasn't done that,
and you get a little disappointed and frustrated with things.
You've tried being patient and talking with your friends but you've got to
know how he feels and you need things to move forward.
So what do you do?
Well, most women build up everything they're thinking inside
until they have to let it out in one big emotional release.
And guess what men see when this happens?
No, they don't see how much you care or love them
and how amazing it is that you want to be with them. Somehow instead of
seeing the good and the positive intentions you have, they see intense
negative emotions that they can't understand.
And men get scared of
emotions that are really intense or that they don't understand.
Most of all, they just aren't used to them.
So when you share your feelings and want to know his feelings for you, he
freaks out. He either becomes the “deer-in-headlights” guy or the “angryfrustrated-scared” guy.
Most women do what makes sense in this situation - they push and encourage
the man to talk, to get in touch with his feelings and to share HER feelings.
But men don't see it as positive encouragement.
They see it as you being “over-emotional” and pushy about the issue.
(Yeah, I know... Men are freakish emotional creatures!)
When you resist or react negatively in any conversation, everything becomes
more difficult. And the WORST mistakes you can make here
with a man I call the 4 Deadly Sins:
- Assuming - that he knows what you want or expect
- Begging - for him to “give you” what you want
- Convincing - trying to make him feel the way you do
- Bullying - bullying him into your way of thinking or feeling.
You will never have any long term success with a man if you keep doing these.
You'll be beating yourself against the “BRICK WALL”.
So what's the “SECRET BUTTON”?
Well, remember that there's a catch to all improvements in your life, right?
So the same goes for this button thing. You’ve got to make it happen by
changing YOUR communication first in order to push his communication
button. It’s up to you to get a man’s fears and defenses out of the way
so you can get to the bottom of things.
And getting past the masks men can wear with women out of fear is the
essence of “pushing the button”. Here's the 5 basic steps I've recognized that
you can use to push his “secret button”. And I'll give you some examples to
give you a general idea of what these are as best I can in a short newsletter:
Step 1) The Primer
This is a the “starter” for the conversation that will build an entirely positive
context - and it might seem like something you could skip, but it's actually the
most important step. It might be something like starting off talking with
positive comments about the time you've been spending together and some of
the great times you've had. The idea is ALL about setting the right context so
a guy becomes positive, comfortable and opens up.
Step 2) Casual Introduction
This is the first step into “where things are going”. Instead of springing “the
talk” on him, keep talking about positives, the good things, the things you
want to continue that are WORKING. If you don't have too many of these
things, think harder. You're interested in a future with this guy for some
reason, right? But don't just compliment him. Make sure it's about BOTH of
you, and how you are together, not just about him.
Step 3) Applying With Positive Strokes
So now you're tuning into each other a bit in the conversation and sharing
thoughts about the good things you have together. Then tell him, “Hey, you
know what's great? I bet you and I see things differently, which is OK, but I
love spending time with you and we have such a great time together”
Again, you’re getting into a conversation about relationships that will
eventually turn to your situation, but you’re doing it in a way that doesn’t
trigger any resistance or fear from the man - and this is what you’re aiming
for.
Step 4) Non-situational Honesty
Step 5) Active Listening. Step 4 and 5 are a bit more complex
so I'll save them for another time. But steps 1, 2 and 3 are a lot to work
with and get you thinking. If you follow these it will blow a man away AND
even better... it will create massive ATTRACTION!
Yeah, imagine that.
By talking about serious relationship “stuff”
you won't scare a guy off. No, you'll actually make his attraction for you
STRONGER. How? - Well, men secretly wish that they had women that they
felt completely open and comfortable with to share their feelings, thoughts
and desires on subjects they usually have a hard time with. It feels REALLY
good to talk about things, especially if they've been bottled up!
I bet you've felt that too.
When you learn to push the button for a man, he experiences a kind of open
and honest communication “release”. And the more intense the topic or issue
is, the more amazing and “freeing” the experience is.
For men, there's nothing tougher and more foreign than getting really in
touch with their emotions and sharing them with someone. When you're
then one to do this, men almost can’t believe it. They instantly see you as
someone unique, rare, and “cool”. And when you can talk about tough issues
in a way that makes them easy and fun and you have the right amount or
“detachment” from the outcome, it makes men
EXTREMELY attracted to you.
http://www.hendricks.com/
Moving Beyond Limitation:
How To Use The Creative Mind
By Debra Berndt, CHt, the Official Guide to Dating . May 4,
2008
Relationships and Our Minds
Everything in the universe is created by one original
substance. This formless substance or energy is neutral. It
is the thought applied upon this substance that creates the
thing that is imagined by the thought. Since you are thinking
source, you can create anything you desire. There is an
unlimited storehouse of love and abundance that this
substance provides. Many of those who struggle with
relationships tend to apply negative thoughts about love into
this energy and ultimately create more loneliness, lack and
fear of losing the one we adore. You can attract true love by
changing your thoughts and working with this amazing formless
substance that creates all. This formless creative substance
is referred to as God, universal energy, life force and other
names that may fit with your personal belief system.
Limited v. Creative Mind
We tend to look at our life in two ways. One way is to see
things as they are and believe we have no power to change
them. We have a strong habit of looking at our current
situation, making decisions about them based on past
circumstances and recreate the situation over and over again.
This is working with your limited mind or habitual way of
thinking. This type of thinking leads to competition, fear,
scarcity and grasping in relation to love and relationships.
The other way to look at life is to see beyond how things are
and believe in the possibility of what they can become. The
truth is that there is an unlimited source of love in the
world. When you think of everything around you as becoming or
in possibilities of growth and expansion, you are using the
creative mind. This creative mind tends to push beyond
perceived limitations and create opportunities and loving
relationships.
In order to use the creative mind more effectively, you need
to change the limited beliefs in your conditioned mind. By
changing your inner beliefs and shifting the habits of
thinking to possibilities, openness and endless
opportunities, you can attract the partner of your dreams.
Power of the Mind
Most people do not realize that their entire life is run by
their conditioned mind. You think almost the same thoughts
every single day that keeps you stuck in your limited way of
being. The conditioned mind is the pattern of thought you
bring from the past. Your mind tends to be consistent with
your beliefs and emotional responses to external stimulation.
It is the source of the habit of thinking that either drives
or repels love.
Your mind gathered information about your self-worth and
lovability throughout your life, especially in childhood when
you took things literally and made up ideas about yourself
from the mind of a child. Those old ideas are still operating
in your inner mind and become the foundation of almost all of
your belief systems. This process begins at conception,
through all nine months of pregnancy, birth experience and
all childhood experiences. You have evidence of these deep
beliefs as you go through life, but sometimes are not aware
of them. You sometimes feel like you are “acting like a
child” because your conditioned mind is running your actions,
reactions and interpretations of issues that arise. Most of
dating and relationship issues were created because of ideas
you learned about love, family, gender roles and marriage in
your childhood from your parents, friends and teachers.
If you want something and it is not showing up in your life,
your conditioned mind is not in agreement with receiving it.
For example, if you want a loving partnership and you
consistently seem to struggle in dating or have “bad luck”
with men or women, you probably have beliefs that are not in
alignment with love. It is important to understand that
conditioned mind isn’t logical but has an amazing power over
your life. Everyone and everything in your life is a mirror
of your mind and this hard-wired pattern of thinking can be
changed if you follow the Creative Mind Method.
Shifting to a New Experience of Love
There are many ways to shift from old limited patterns
of being to expand into the creative mind of love.
1. Uncover false beliefs operating in your unconscious mind.
A great exercise is to write down one or more of these stem
sentence
and finish it over and over to get all the junk out on paper:
“The reason I don’t have a healthy relationship is because….”
-or “If I had a happy relationship, I would….”
2. Flood your mind with new ideas about love and
relationships.
Self-hypnosis is the best way to change your limited mind.
Did you know that it takes 1,000 affirmations to match the
power of just one suggestion in hypnosis? That is because in
the alpha state you are more able to accept new positive
statements about yourself. Hypnosis creates immediate
results!
3. Instead of focusing exclusively on your external
appearance, shift your energy to watching your thoughts and
speech. With every action you take, do it in a way that is in
alignment with your will for true love.
4. Practice meditation and learn to quiet your mind to be
present
in the moment. (This step will help you master step number
3).
5. Don’t think in terms of competition or lack – there is
plenty of love
to go around. The perfect partner for you is out there. If
someone you love turns to another, know that the void will be
replaced with someone truly right for you.
6. Do not get discouraged no matter how long it takes for
your love to arrive in your life. Be patient and let go. Keep
holding the vision of your dream for a happy relationship
regardless of external conditions.
Author's Bio
Debra Berndt, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist,
Dating/Relationship Expert, Certified Hypnotic-Coach™,
Author, Speaker, Dating Coach and creator of
AttractLoveToday.com.