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LOVE AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT IS LOVE?
Americans have an obsession with love. Listen to popular
music, go to the movies, go to bookstores – love stands out
as a central theme.
Romance novels account for nearly half of all mass-market
paperback books sold in the U.S. They are read by an
estimated 45 million Americans.
So, obviously Americans can’t get enough of love.
Love means more than just hearts, flowers, and fuzzy
feelings. LOVE BINDS US TOGETHER as partners, husbands and
wives, parents and children, and friends and relatives.
Love is both an emotion and a behavior, essential for human
survival – physically, socially, and emotionally.
We usually experience our first source of love within our
families.
Love has many different definitions – lovers, family,
friends, pets…
Your text states, at the very least, 3 elements are
necessary for a love relationship:
(1) a willingness to please and accommodate the other, even
if this involves compromise and sacrifice;
(2) an acceptance of the other person’s faults and
shortcomings;
(3) as much concern about the loved one’s welfare as one’s
own.
The reality of love is not like what we see in the movies,
television, or romance novels. Oftentimes, people have
unrealistic expectations about love.
Your text says that “real” love is referred to as “stirringthe-oatmeal” love. What does this mean?
When the thrill and excitement die down, the reality of the
routine and mundane/the “oatmeal” tasks have to be done.
Text: People who say they are in love emphasize:
CARING, INTIMACY, AND COMMITMENT
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Key words in order for love to survive.
CARING – refers to a person wanting to help the other by
providing aid and emotional support whenever needed; being
responsive to the other person’s needs.
You care about your partner’s welfare as your own.
relationship won’t last too long if the other is
unresponsive to one’s needs.
The
INTIMACY – feelings of closeness; people let down their
defenses and are able to share their thoughts and feelings.
Our one person we can say anything to. We could vent to
each other, cry, be silly…
COMMITMENT – refers to a person’s intention to remain in a
relationship no matter what happens. “For better or worse…”
Even when times are tough, the couple is committed to
staying together. It is a secure feeling that the other
will be there for you.
SOME THEORIES ABOUT LOVE AND LOVING
• ATTACHMENT THEORY
A warm, secure, and loving relationship is essential to
human emotional growth and development.
“Our primary motivation in life is to be connected with
other people – because it is the only security we ever
have.”
“We are social animals.”
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REISS’S WHEEL THEORY OF LOVE
Love develops and is maintained through 4 processes.
A reduction in any one process affects the development or
maintenance of a love relationship. For example, if a
couple habitually argues, the arguments will affect their
mutual dependency and their need for intimacy; this in
turn will weaken their rapport.
1. RAPPORT – a sense of ease with each other.
When two people meet, they quickly sense if rapport
exists between them.
We need to have things in common – same cultural
background, religion, social class, education…in order to
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be interested in each other. We tend to marry those who
are like ourselves: HOMOGAMY.
If one person has only a grade school education and the
other a college education, it is not likely they will
share many of the same values. Their life experiences
have probably been quite different.
Two people who believe in egalitarian roles are more
likely to feel rapport than are a radical feminist and
a male chauvinist.
2. SELF-REVELATION – brings the couple closer together;
you can tell someone your intimate feelings if you
are with at ease with one another.
If you feel rapport with someone, you are likely to
feel relaxed and confident. As a result, selfrevelation – the disclosure of intimate feelings – is
likely to occur.
3. MUTUAL DEPENDENCY – exchange ideas; start to see
things in your life as shared events with the
person. (“What are we doing this weekend.”) You
become a couple. Usually go places as a couple.
After two people feel rapport and begin revealing
themselves to each other, they may become mutually
dependent – share pleasures, fears, sexual intimacies;
each becomes the other’s confidant.
4. PERSONALITY NEEDS FULFILLMENT – partners confide in
each other, support each other, make mutual
decisions.
The wheel can turn many times, and go both ways – toward
love or away from love.
If one feels less comfort (rapport) with the other, he/she
may reveal fewer thoughts or feelings, feel less dependent
upon the other fro a sense of happiness or contentment,
and seek his/her intimacy needs elsewhere.
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STERNBERG’S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE
Love is composed of 3 elements (sides of the triangle) –
intimacy, passion, commitment/decision.
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1. INTIMACY – encompasses feelings of closeness,
connectedness, and bonding; the warm, close feelings of
bonding we get when we love someone.
2. PASSION – leads to romance, physical attraction, and
sexual consummation
3. DECISION/COMMITMENT
• Short term – decision to love someone
• Long term – commitment to maintain that love over
time
Of the 3, COMMITMENT is the most powerful predictor of
relationship satisfaction.
When the triangles match, it is likely there is more
satisfaction in the relationship.
If Jack wants sex all the time, but doesn’t want to share
his feelings. Jill never want sex, but always wants to talk
about their feelings…
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LEE’S STYLE OF LOVING
Lee’s relationship styles (not individual styles) – can
change/overlap as the relationship changes or when
individuals enter different relatonships. Can overlap.
1. EROS – love of beauty – sensual, erotic love – hard
to sustain this kind of love. What we see in movies.
They are fascinated with each other.
These lovers often wear matching outfits/jewelry.
others to know they belong together.
They want
2. MANIA – (Greek for madness) – obsessive love –
sleepless days and nights – anxiety…roller coaster
love; jealousy, possessiveness, and intense
dependency.
Love passionately, but sporadic. May fight a lot.
Irrational; see it a lot in high school. One may
threaten suicide if partner leaves. Could involve
spousal abuse.
3. LUDUS – carefree and casual – playful love – love is
a game, nothing serious; “playing the field,” one
night stands (Ex: “He’s a player.”)
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A person who exhibits ludus style of love may say, “I could
get over my partner fairly easily and quickly.
4. STORGE (“stor-gay”) – affectionate love – slowburning, peaceful, affectionate, and comes naturally
with the passage of time and the enjoyment of shared
activities; companionate love – love of friendship
and companionship, then deepens into love.
Begin as friends, gradually fall in love.
A person who exhibited a storge style of loving may say, “I
expect always to be friends with the people I date.”
5. AGAPE (“ah-gah-pay”) – self-giving love –
altruistic, selfless love – directed toward all
humankind (love of missionaries and saints, more
than worldly couples). Being able to love is its
own reward. Undemanding, patient.
A person who exhibits agape style of love may say, “I would
rather suffer than let my partner suffer.”
6. PRAGMA – practical love – look for someone who meets
his/her needs (checklist such as education,
interests, personality, etc.). Base their love on
practical considerations, such as compatibility and
perceived benefits. Exchange theory; costs &
rewards.
Logical - Lead by their heads, not their hearts.
Computer-matching services are based on this style of
loving. (“Blind Date”)
QUESTION: Which style do you think is most enduring??
most satisfying??
The
FUNCTIONS OF LOVE AND LOVING
• It ensures survival of the species.
Love implies a commitment, so we will stick around and
care for our children.
Love implies commitment.
•
It prolongs life as well as the quality of life.
Social support – parents, friends, relatives
Economic security
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•
Companionship
Practical help
Better health (esp. men)
Better diet (esp. men)
Reduction in negative health behaviors (esp. men)
Fosters our self-esteem
It inspires us.
Like in the movies, the power of love can transform our
lives; gives us hope. It’s fun and exciting to be in
love.
EXPERIENCING LOVE
QUESTION: Who tends to be more romantic – men or women?
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Gender differences in terms of love – men are more
romantic than women, fall in love quicker.
More idealistic – More likely to say yes to, “A person
should marry whomever he loves, regardless of social
position.”
It is still the case that men are more likely to choose a
partner based on physical attractiveness, and women tend to
place more emphasis on men’s affluence and financial
success.
Men can afford to be more idealistic when choosing a mate
because of financial security. That’s why we see more
older, wealthy men, with younger, attractive women – rarely
the other way around.
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Men fall in love more quickly than women.
WHY???
Men have fewer deeply intimate relationships – when they
find someone who is self-disclosing and intimate with them,
they see the relationship as special. Women have deeper
relationships in which they self-disclose, so they aren’t so
quick to see the relationship as special.
Also, women need to be more realistic about the relationship
because they may need other criteria (econ. needs met).
Therefore,
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Women are more practical when it comes to choosing mates
because:
1. Women are more likely to be pressured by parents to
marry wisely.
(Ex: First marriage is for love, the second is for
money.)
2.
Women are more dependent on men for economic
security.
If a woman finds a good match, she is more likely to allow
herself to become overwhelmed by her emotions. But if she
is attracted to someone who is an unacceptable marriage
partner, she is likely to deliberately work at falling out
of love with him. Less impulsive, more practical.
Has to do with women’s historically weak bargaining position
in society and marriage market – in the past, they have been
dependent on marriage for economic support, and therefore
have to be more careful about the practical aspects of
selecting a marriage partner. On the other hand, men can
afford to follow impulsive feelings, using “falling in love”
or physical beauty to pick their marriage partners.
Often men ask about appearance, women ask about his
occupation, what kind of car he drives.
The gender gap is narrowing, as men’s and women’s lives
become more similar.
Hypergamy
Increasing numbers of educated women make more money than
their dating partners and spouses, and do not have to rely
on marriage for financial security or upward mobility.
Women are more family-oriented and thus concerned
about having a successful marriage.
Generally, men – more ludic, game playing; women – more
storgic, pragmatic.
3.
•
Men and women may define intimacy differently.
There are different ways to express intimacy.
Women are more likely to express love verbally; talk
everything out.
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Men – via action (sex, being a good provider, changing oil…
– instrumental)
We should understand each other/motives.
BARRIERS TO EXPERIENCING LOVE
• Technology that limits face-to-face contact
Do you think this inhibits chances to find love?
you think of seeking love over the internet (ex:
www.match.com)?
What do
Technologies like answering machines, fax machines, e-mail
have hindered people in finding love because – they have
limited face-to-face contact.
QUESTION: Does it hinder the romance?
practical?
•
Make it more
The double standard in sexual behavior
Still a double standard for men and women. Good girls/bad
girls. It has been said that men want a sexually
experienced virgin.
• The emphasis on the individual
The emphasis on the individual makes it – difficult to
sacrifice for the good of the couple or the family.
A huge reason for high divorce rate – in our individualistic
society, people are unwilling to compromise for the good of
the family.
WHEN LOVE GOES WRONG
JEALOUSY AND OTHER TYPES OF CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
greened-eyed monster”)
(“The
QUESTION: Does jealousy prove love?
Is jealousy healthy in a relationship? Do you think a
certain amount of jealousy is flattering?
Jealousy – may be a better measure of insecurity than of
love. If you feel secure about yourself, you will be secure
in your relationship.
The general consensus among researchers is that jealousy is
a bad thing.
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Jealousy sets the boundaries for what will be tolerated in a
relationship. Can you have cross-sex friendships? Is sex
exclusive (almost always in our culture)?
CHARACTERISTICS OF ROMANTIC LOVE
Romantic love thrives on 2 beliefs – love at first sight &
fate.
QUESTION: Do you believe in love at first sight/fate?
Love at first sight can be exciting, but also disappointing.
“The spark is gone. Move on.”
Is it more like “lust at first sight?”
to someone before we meet.
Attraction draws us
LOVE IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS
The very characteristics that seemed endearing in the
beginning, may be the things that irritate you most with
time.
Fate – remember, commonalities bring us together.
QUESTION: Do you agree with the saying “opposites attract?”
Sometimes it is a fact that opposites attract one another.
In some cases differences between partners can contribute to
marital stability, and one makes up for the lacking
qualities of the other. The two depend on each other, and
are reliant on each other to make up for the other’s
weaknesses. For example a quiet, shy person maybe attracted
to someone who is loud and outgoing because he/she exhibits
a trait the other may desire. In many cases though, the
traits that seem attractive at first may become annoying
with time.
Example: a carefree attitude may seem attractive to someone
who is more cautious/thinks things through more carefully.
It may be fun to hang around this person for some time. But
after they are married a while, and the routine/mundane sets
in, the carefree attitudes may be seen to the other partner
as immature and irresponsible.
Love changes over time.
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Romantic love is exciting, but companionate love is secure,
lasting, comforting…
Intimacy over time – the rate of new knowledge about each
other is very fast in the beginning because everything about
that person is new. It begins to grow at a slower rate and
may move from favorite ice cream to more intuitive things
about the other person. You know a look means something.
Passion over time – Passionate love can’t last forever at
that same intensity. The more you get used to something,
the less thrilling it may be. Yet over time, we can return
to that original passion.
Once the thrill of the passion has died down, the partners
begin to find out more about each other, which is an
extremely important factor in marital stability – if the
partners’ interests, values, and personalities differ to a
great degree, it is difficult for the two to build a life
together.
Commitment over time – Promise of a shared future; it
determines whether or not we continue the relationship.
Most affected by the success of the relationship. It grows
more slowly than intimacy or passion. Our commitment will
remain high as long as we judge the relationship to be
successful.
Values, especially religious values become important in a
relationship, especially after the birth of a first child.
Style of loving – storgic, companionate may be best for
long-term relationships. Rule by the head, not the heart.
A GLOBAL VIEW
Most Americans place a great deal of importance on the
process of being romantically attracted to another person,
and the process of falling in love. Romantic attachment is
an important prerequisite to the mate selection process in
our society.