Flying Pig Productions Present
The Madness of Kingswells
Aberdeen Arts’ Centre, 2nd – 5th October 2002
John Hardie
Craig Pike
Elaine Johnston
Oli Knox
Steve Rance
Susan Webster
And Greg Gordon
Script
Greg Gordon and Andrew Brebner
Lyrics
Andrew Brebner and John Hardie
Directed by
John Hardie
Musical Arrangements
Steve Rance
Choreography
C Andrew Pike and Susan Webster
Properties
Christine Knox
Lighting Design
Kay Donaldson
Stage Manager
Alan 'Ox' Webster
Sound
Donnie Mann
LX Operator
Follow Spot Operator
Pete 'Legs'Thomson
Paul Silver
Poster Design
Gordon Murrison
Programme Editor
Andrew Brebner
Photographs
Oli Knox
Musical Conference
[Sfx 1: “Twighlight Zone”]
V/o
The introduction of the pilot scheme creating a tolerance zone for prostitution
in Aberdeen's salubrious harbour area has provoked controversy. And some
sniggering. Many have asked how Aberdeen City Council - not a body
normally associated with creative thinking, came to approve such a groundbreaking scheme. We have obtained a secret tape recording, made in secret, of
the Council meeting in question, and present the following reconstruction. The
Councillors in question will be played by actors. Not very good actors, but
they're cheap.
[Sfx 2: wrestling bell]
Len:
Weel, welcome ab'dy tae is special meetin. Noo as ye a' ken, we are gathered
here tae discuss gien a green licht tae i reed light district.
Councillor 2: As we a' ken, Cooncillor Ironside is affa keen on a 'yes' vote. He said as much
fan he phoned me up yesterday tae pledge his support fer my application fer
planning permission.
Cooncillor 3: Fit, are ye daein' an extension?
Cooncillor 2: Aye.
Cooncillor 3: Faraboot?
Cooncillor 2: Aboot 16 feet intae ma neighbours gerden.
Len:
Wheesht!
Cooncillor 2: Let's nae be in ony doot aboot 'is scheme. If we create a liberalised reed licht
area we will be openin' i floodgates o licentiousness an' sin. Afore we ken it,
Aiberdeen'll be the Amsterdam o' the North an the hale toon'll be awash wi sex
shops, Cannabis cafes, an ladies o' i nicht openly plyin' their trade.
Len:
So you're in favour an a', Jurgen. Sandy?
Councillor 2: I hiv strong reservations. Let's nae forget it'll cause a hale load o fowk who
widnae normally ging in fer at kinda thing tae ging doon i docks an., ging in fer
at kinda thing. An if they do, there's a good chunce they'll run intae us, fit is
nae ideal.
Len:
We canna be short sichted aboot 'is. We hiv tae tak the bull by the horns. If we
tak 'is great leap forward we can send a signal oot tae the hale world that here,
in Aiberdeen, lonely mannies can get their jollies nae questions asked!
All:
Hooray!
Len
If you are lonely there's a place ye can go far ye can mak a friend
All kinds o service an a few I can per-son-ally recommend
If you go to confession you can get yer absolution
Ye may as well indulge yersel an try some prostitution
Tolerance is best fer wir toon an if
I hiv i Cooncil behind me support'll be stiff for it!
My Zone, spikkin as Cooncil chief
My Zone, it is my firm belief
My Zone. Fit a relief it'll be
Dinna be prudish, it'll fairly bring tourists intae Aiberdeen
Len's Zone
Big spending folk who'll gie a boost tae the local economic scene
Len's Zone
We're promising an antidote tae sexual frustration
An area o' safety fer yer secret assignation
Dinna vote no
The harbours nae yer back yard
An as a Cooncillor you get a loyalty card for it
My zone, even a daftie knows
My zone his fewer cons than pros
My zone. Ab'dy comes an goes there.
[Blackout]
Little Urchin Alickie
[Sfx 3: ‘Annie’ Overture]
V/o
Coming soon! One of the all-time great family musicals! It's the story of the
plucky little kid who’ll put a song in your heart and a smile on your face while
searching for a family! Take a cute litle big-headed urchin, the richest guy in
town, and the worlds favourite rags to riches story., and what have you got?
[lights up on the happy figure of Wee Alickie, surrounded by Stewartie Milne
acolytes]
Acolyte 1
We got Alickie!
Acolyte 2
We got Alickie!
Acolyte 3
We got Alickie!
V/o
It's Little Urchin Alickie. The heartwarming tale of a young boy forced out
onto the streets after fate deals him a cruel hand [Wee Alickie wanders
dejectedly on past a newspaper vendor.]
Vendor:
Read a' aboot it. Aiberdeen Green Final ceases publication! Wee Alickie
jobless!
V/o:
Destitute, our hero seeks an alternative career.
Consultant:
Now, according to your CV you were with Aberdeen Journals Green Final for
the last 50 years. Well, that does show commendable loyalty, Mr Alickie, but
little ambition, I'm afraid. I don't think there are many openings for middleaged paperboys. In short trousers.
V/o
Undaunted, he struggles on, but has to face the harsh realities of the
employment market...
Interviewer:
So tell us, Mr Alickie. You've applied for a job in Telesales. Do you have a
friendly yet distinct speaking voice? [Alickie picks up a large cartoon speech
balloon with the reply "Aye!” on it in large letters]
V/o
But as the rejections mount, hopes fade...
Interviewer#2: I'm afraid we can't offer you this position as a Motorbike Dispatch Rider, Mr
Alickie. We're looking for someone with a smaller head. [Alickie looks
downcast at the small motorbike helmet he's holding]
V/o
But happy times are just around the corner!
P.A:
Alickie, how would like to be adopted by the richest businessman in Aberdeen
- Stewartie Milne!
V/o
[Blackout]
Alickie finds love and a home of his own with Daddy Breezeblocks! [music
swells to a climax. Alickie & Stewartie embrace, then walk hand in hand
towards a glorious sunset]
George Forbes; UB40
[George is lit in a harsh follow-spot, suggestive of an interrogation]
George
Name? George Malachi Forbes! Rank? Colour sergeant in The Gordon
Highlanders (retired). Number? 6060842! In terms of the Geneva Convention, I
am under no obligation to provide further information. [Lights up to reveal
suited type with a clipboard.]
Suit
Just a few more questions...
George
`
I'll tell you nothing. Sling me in the cooler if you like. Stake me out over
a field of growing bamboo, I'll never talk!
Suit
That's a matter for you, Mr Forbes, but it does make it difficult for me to
complete your application for jobseekers allowance.[Suit walks off,
shaking his head sadly. George looks quickly over each shoulder]
George
Secure. It is now some seven years since I left Her Majesty's armed forces with
two decades' distinguished service under my belt and an honourable discharge
in my hand. I am pleased to say that, unlike many ex-servicemen, it was the
only discharge I ever had. Ever since I was stood down and first marched down
civvy street, I have put my military training to good use. It stays with you, you
know, oh yes, you can see I was a soldier. Three factors give it away: (1) erect
bearing; (2) smart appearance - note the presence of epaulettes; and (3) my
swagger stick. Although I must admit this is not the original; I lost that while
on active service in Rhodesia. They were a deadly and implacable foe, those
Rhododendrons. But I have manufactured a replacement using a length of
garden cane, surmounted by a pickled egg. This is satisfactory for most
purposes, but the egg must be changed at least once per week.
Since entering civilian life, I have been acting as a specialist security advisor for a well known... local Supermarket. Rain and shine I have stood my ground,
preventing enemy forces from taking up strategic positions alongside the tubs
of taramasalata. Many is the pot of crème fraiche that owes its life to me,
because security is what I know.
The establishment was recently refurbished - an excellent opportunity to fortify
defences against the agitators and saboteurs that regularly sully its aisles. I
approached the manager to suggest a few simple, structural alterations. Now it is not
for me to question the orders of a superior officer, but the flag-burning hippie was
nonplussed even by my offer to install a simple moat and drawbridge. And at my
mention of a machine gun emplacement, he almost choked on his gypsy cream. Not,
you might think, the biscuit of an officer and a gentleman.
I began to suspect him to be some manner of infiltrator or fifth-columnist; this was
confirmed when he said that, after refurbishment, the company sought to project a
new image: to be more touchy-feely. He said that my approach to security was
"perhaps a little over-zealous". Now I am no quibbler, but my response was a
forceful repudiation of his claim. How forceful? Well, suffice it to say that when I
left that office, I was no longer employed by the company. And I had to immediately
purchase a replacement pickled egg. My name is George Forbes, and this Job
Centre is socially secure.
[Blackout]
Mither — Decoration
[We join Ronnie and Farther as they smooth down the last roll of a papering job. Both look
satisfied with a job well done.]
Ronnie
Well then dad. That's just about it, then.
Farther
Jist aboot, aha.
Ronnie
It's a bigger room than you'd think, with all the furniture out of it.
Faither
Your mother's furniture. Aha. The press. And the sideboard. And the table.
And the dresser. Niver forgettin', of course...
Both
[With hands clasped over heart, reverentially] "The lamp we got fae Untie
Selma."
Ronnie
This room's kept us going for a weekend solid.
Faither
Weel it's got the high ceilings, ye see. Yer mither's aye liked high ceilings. Of
course, she's niver taen a tummle aff a ladder trying to paper up t'een....
Ronnie
No. [Pause] How is your leg today, dad?
Faither
Och, it's fine. It's gaen green, but it's fine. [He examines his work]Sixteen rolls
o' paper Ronnie. And we've freshened up the ceilin, the door and the skirtings.
Ronnie
But that's it done!
Faither
Daen, aha. [Emphatic hand gesture] Feenished! [Mither bustles in, with a tray
replete with refreshments]
Mither
Tea for the workers! And fine pieces! Ye for a pancake, Ronnie?
Ronnie
No thanks mum.
Mither
It's good for what ails ye!
Ronnie
No, it's alright.
Mither
It's got butter and syrup on't!
Ronnie
Och, OK then. [He takes it and hams in].
Mither
Look at ye, goin' at that like a gannet! Nae wonder ye're piling on the beef. Yon
new lassie you're seein' winna wint ye, lookin' like a hillock! [Pause] Ye're still wi'
her, are ye? Yon fitiverhernameis?
Ronnie
I'm still with Charlotte, mum, yes.
Mither
Aha. [Pause] Oh weel, it's naen o' my business, I'm sure. [Pause, then, sleekitly] I
did see Pauline the ither day.
Ronnie
Did you?
Mither
Aye.
Ronnie
How was she?
Mither
Oh, gaunt. Haggard, Ronnie. Very bonnie, still, dinna get me wrang. She awyse hid
yon natural beauty to her, which very few of us hiv. But oh, she wiznahersel'.
Ronnie
What was she saying to it?
Mither
Oh she wiz very pleasant, Ronnie, I've niver kent her nae to be, but there wiz jist a
certain something in the way she spoke - it wiz as if [she turns to Faither] sorry, wiz
that, "as if she wiz pinin'for somebody", did ye say faither?
Faither
[Not wanting to get involved] I niver said a word.
Mither
Pinin', at's it, jist couldna hiv pit it better mysel'. But ye're happy wi Charlotte. Of
noo. And that's fine, Ronnie. But I'll let Pauline ken ye're asking for her, next time
I see her. She's still at the same place.
Ronnie
I remember her address, mum.
Mither
Still there. Still on the phone too. 323241. [Pause] I've it written doon somewye.
Ronnie
I'll maybe ask Charlotte to phone her sometime. They're good friends. She'll be
worried, because Pauline was looking fine when she came round for tea last
weekend, with her new fiance.
Mither
Oh, she came round did she?
Ronnie
Yes, did she not say?
Mither
No, she niver....
Ronnie
It's a wonder. I thought she was looking grand. I think she's one of these
women who really suits being pregnant.
Mither
[Laughing nervously] Fan I said I'd met her, it wiz jist in the distance. It wiz
her mither, I think, I wiz speaking to. Ye ken fit a funny craitur she awyse wiz.
[Changing tack] But let's not get wirsels doon by dwellin on... tragic matters.
Foo are the workers getting' on?
Faither
[Emphatically] Feenished!
Mither
Oh, so that's it then? Oh, you've made great time boys. Great progress! Mind
you, it is jist a wee squirt o a roomie, is een. And that's it, done?
Faither
The hale thing. Feenished.
Mither
So jist the ceilin, the skirtin and the door to be daen?
Ronnie
No, the whole things done.
Mither
Oh, so it's jist the door to dae, is it?
Ronnie
It's done mum. The whole thing is done.
Mither
Oh, the whole thing's done?
Ronnie
The whole thing, mum.
Faither
The hale thing. Hiy.
Mither
[Looking over towards the door] I'm sure ye hinna daen yon door. [She tests
the paint and adheres to it. ] It is done!
Ronnie
Yes it is mum. It's part of the whole thing. And the whole thing's done.
Mither
And this is the paper is it?
Faither
That's the paper. Aha.
Mither
That's the paper! And ye've pit it on well. Oh fit a rare job ye've daen. I telt ye
Ronnie. I telt ye ye hid it in ye to learn a trade, instead of gaddin' off to yon
Varsity. And 'is job's the proof. It's maybe nae too late. Kynoch and Robertson
might take you yet if ye showed willing.
Ronnie
I'll bear that in mind, mum. I'll give them a call if ever I get bored with being an
Installations Manager with Amerada Hess.
Mither
Weel a' ye'd hiv to dae to convince them is tak them roon this room. Cos ye'edaena
gran'job. [Pause] Apart fae ower there. Wiyonjine. It's a peety aboot yon jine
nae quite being right. I'm nae ga'an to say it spiles the hale room. I'm nae ga'an to
say that. But it is a peety.
Ronnie
Which join? [She gestures vaguely. It is quite impossible to tell which join she might
mean.]
Mither
That een.
Ronnie
Where? [She gestures again, with no greater precision]
Mither
Ower there.
Ronnie
And what exactly is wrong with it?
Mither
[Blustering] It's... it's... it's jist nae quite right, Ronnie, that's fit's wrang wi it.
But I'm sure it'll cover fine [half-beatpause] fan we pint it. [Silence]
Faither
Fan we fit?
Mither
Fan we pint it. [She produces colour cards.] I wiz thinking mebbe a peachieplummie-auberginie-creamie kind o' thing...
Faither
[Quietly but firmly] It's nae pintin' paper.
Mither
Either that or jist fite. [Realising that farther has spoken] Fit are ye sayin, farther?
Faither
It's nae pintin' paper.
Mither
[Brightly] Och but ye can pint ony kind of paper...
Faither
Ye canna.
Ronnie
You can't mum. That's a finished paper. You won't get paint to hold on it.
Mither
Oh but I'm sure if you're careful ye'll manage!
Faither
[Slowly and deliberately} Ye winna get pint to hud.
Mither
[In despair} Oh, I'd niver hiv picked it if I'd kent!
Ronnie
Sorry, you picked it? Why did you pick paper you didn't like?
Mither
Oh, I didna like the colour but I liked fine the pattern....
Ronnie
But you won't see the pattern if you paint over it!
Mither
But is it nae a raised pattern?
Faither
Raised? Yon paper's smoother than a baby's erse!
Mither
Well, we' 11 jist hiv to sit away wi it but - but... [she has a moment of sheer
terror] it dizna ging wi Untie Selma's lamp! Oh, it'll hiv to come aff!
Faither
It'll stay whaur it is. And I'll tell ye for why. Cos fan you said ye winted to
decorate, I said, de we need new paper? Or diz the room jist need a freshen up?
And you said you funded new paper. And we traipsed aroon, and you picked
the paper. And I said to you mind noo. This isna pintin paper. And that's the
colour o' it. And you said, "ach, we'll be fine." And on the back o that, me and
Ronnie's slaved awa, stippin' aff the auld stuff, smoothin' doon the wa's, and
pittin the paper up. I near killed mysel takin a heider aff the ledder. And
Ronnie's hid to hear ye slaverin' on again aboot yon stupit quine...
Ronnie
Dad...
Faither
Well she wiz. Ill-tricket, moon-faced cow. And I'm nae bothered aboot the
work. Dizna bother me a bit, daein' at for ye. Happy to dae't. But I'm damned if
I'm daein' it twice!
Mither
[She nods her acceptance of the situation] Oh, faither, I ken, and I appreciate
fit ye've daen, the pair o' ye, but [her little heart is breaking] fit will I dae wi
Selma 's lamp?
Faither
[Darkly] I have a suggestion.
[Blackout]
Mr PowerPoint; The Brainstorming Session
Mr PP
Hi. Welcome back to the afternoon session of this round-table forum. Before
we re-convene, thank all you all again for coming to share your visions for the
year ahead.
I hope you enjoyed your soup and sandwich lunch - 1 hear it was a pretty lively
affair. A lot of bread rolls were thrown, a lot of waitresses had their backsides
felt and fled in tears. And that's great. I just hope that in the afternoon session
the ideas flow as freely as the water in the toilets, where I understand some of
you guys have ripped the urinals from the walls.
Anyhoo, while you were lunching like Vikings I pulled together this little
presentation to recap on the key findings from the morning session.
[Project: "The Purpose of this Meeting "]
The purpose was to formulate a marketing strategy for the great new product
we've developed, not, as some of you had it "to cop off with the bird on
reception". That's a good agenda, but it's not the one we're working to just now.
[Project: "The New Product Name"]
If we're going to really catch the wave in the marketplace, we need a name
that'll excite people. This morning, we had a lot of discussion, much of it
innuendo and coarse language; all of it \pause] excellent, none of it, perhaps, of
any use at all. The challenge is to return to this, and build on this morning's
foundations something a little more - concrete.
[Project: "Marketing Strategies"]
We had robust discussions on this; Frank said he didn't think the product was
worth getting out of bed for; at least, not now he had a new mail-order bride.
Terry then said he uses the same agency, and he'd previously taken Frank's
wife on approval. Then there was a really meaningful fist-fight and, as the
tables and chairs were flying everywhere, we broke for lunch.
For those of you who were wondering, by the way, Terry's condition is critical
but stable, which is, eh, great.
So we might ask ourselves, what have we achieved this morning?
[Project: “ Cock all"]
[Looking at the slide]On one view, it's as you see here. But once you take into
account organisation costs, the breakages and air-ambulance fees, the
achievement is - all the more striking.
[Project: “Less than cock all”]
And so to recap;
[Project: ‘You've fannied around like a load of horny jackals’]
This has been a remarkable day.
[Project: ‘You've wrecked a hotel and a man lies dying’]
We're accomplished more, and in broader areas, than I thought possible.
[Project: ‘My arse is on the tine here’]
I organised this event.
[Project: ‘But if I go down, you're all coming with me’]
But I believe passionately in team-working.
[Project: ‘We have three hours to save our careers’.]
Let's regroup; let's focus.
[Project:’ Let's go create!’]
Let's go create!
[Blackout]
The Cruel Sea; Air Stewards
V/o
Billy and Dougie have worked as trawlermen in the North Sea for all their
adult lives. But with over-fishing and ever-decreasing quotas, Billy and Dougie
have been laid off and are now struggling to find their feet in an employment
market which they believe is now geared more towards women than men...
[Lights up to reveal the fishermen dressed as Air Stewards]
Billy
Thank you for choosin to fly wi Monopoly Airlines on the day's flight fae
Heathrow to Aiberdeen. My name is Billy Mundie, and joining me in the cabin
the day is Dougie Albinson. We used to work on the boats thegither oot o
Peterheid. He saved my life once. Six years ago to the day, oor trawler wiz hit
by a hunner-fit wave, and I wiz thrown overboard. I wiz just aboot to ging
unner for the last time fen Billy managed to get a haud o me wi the boat-hook
and howk me back on board. Today he'll be helping me push a shooglywheeled trolley up the aisle, dispensin’ gin and tonics to a bunch o' blowhard
provincial businessmen, that's been doon tae London tae mak themselves feel
mair important. Some life eh Dougie? Some life. [Dougie nods his assent]
The followin’ safety announcement is for yer ain benefit, so pay attention,
a'right? Ye've got seatblets. Pit them on. I'm nae ga'an to show you foo to pit
them on, cos onyone bright enough to check in, get through security and mak it
through the maze to the departure lounge can surely dae up a bloody buckle.
In the event o sudden cabin depressurisation, this will happen…[Dougie mimes
depressurization] and oxygen masks will fa fae the panels above yer heid, but
dinna worry,cos maist o them wiz working fan we hid to use them last wik.
Weel, naebody'd telt us fit "doors to automatic and cross-check" meant. So the
cabin door flew aff and wir wee trolley got sooked oot. Fit a laugh we hid wi
the mannie that came to fix it. Funny thing wiz, he used to work on the boats
an a. Sandy Petrie his name wis, but he got the dunt fee the boats fen he got
into hard drugs and started becomin’ grossly unreliable. Noo he works here. As
a safety engineer.
The next thing is lifejackets. For some reason, you've got lifejackets.
Parachutes, now. Parachutes I might hiv understood. But lifejackets it is. Noo,
the only significant stretch o' watter aneath wir flightpath the day is trout farm
owned by the boy that used to sing wi' Jethro Tull. [Dougie mimes playing a
flute while standing on one leg] But in the unlikely event that we manage to tak
a heider into that pit yer lifejacket ower yer heid, and tie it securely in a double
Yorker as shown. Do not inflate your lifejacket before leavin' the aircraft, as
this will make you look like a fanny. In the event that the lifejacket fails to
inflate, there is a topping up tube. This will not inflate the lifejacket, but it will
keep ye quietly occupied files ye gradually sink aneeth the waterline. The
lifejacket also comes complete wi a whistle, which is presumably there in case
ye feel the need to referee a water polo match. [Dougie blows his whistle in the
style of a lifeguard]
There are six emergency exits located in this Boeing 737, twa at the front, twa
at the hinner end and een ower each wing. Tak a moment to locate the
emergency exit nearest to you, bearing in mind that in the event of an
emergency, it may be behind you, and there may be twa hunner folk scramblin'
ower ye to get there.
In the event of an imminent crash landing, you will be given the appropriate
warning. Dependin' on how good a view I hiv at the time, this will either be the
instruction to brace or a cry of "Jesus Christ". On hearin' either such prompt,
you should assume the crash position, which is as follows. Head atween legs yer ain head atween yer ain legs is conventional, but naebody’ll be taking notes
- hands above yer heid and the moo' firmly shut. This is vital, as it will prevent
your arsehole exiting from atween yer lips and will also help preserve a full set
o teeth, in the event that we a' hiv to be identified by dental records.
I wish I wiz back on the boats, Dougie. I wish I wiz back on the boats.
[Blackout]
Archie and Davie on Kingswells
Archie:
Far div ye think o 'is hale Kingswells scandal, Davie?
Davie:
Fit's at, Archie?
Archie:
Kingswells, Davie. At's yon placie far they hiv i Park an Ride.
Davie:
They ging a the wye oot there fer at? hi my day it wiz the Tony Battery.
Archie:
No no, Davie, I'm takin aboot the Don's movin' Pittodrie tae Kingswells. Fit
dae ye mak o that?
Davie:
I think it's madness.
Archie:
Madness, ye say, Davie? Fit wye?
Davie:
I dinna think Shore Porter's will hae a big enough wagon. And think o the
repercussions! There's innocent people bein' affected by this.
Archie:
Ye're spikken aboot the erosion o the green belt blightin' the good people of
Kingswells? And their neighbours?
Davie:
No, I'm speaking aboot the erosion o' the profits o' the Pittodrie Bar! I saw the
owner day o' the planning vote.
Archie:
Wiz he worried?
Davie:
I niver got a chance to ask him. He wiz ower-busy chainsmoking and praying
to the Gods of all major religions.
Archie:
I'll bet the boy that owns the Four Mile's laughin, though.
Davie:
At's right. Eence the move gings through, his public bar'11 see a fair upturn
afore 3 every second Saturday.
Archie:
Or afore 5 on a Tuesday, if we're playing the Germans.
Davie:
Aye, that place'll be steerin wi folks. Buying his beer, eating his dry roasted
nuts. And spewin' in his herbaceous border.
Archie:
I hiv misgivings aboot the move. I mean, think o' the away support.
Davie:
I'm nae greatly fond o the boys that supports yer Rangers and yer Celtic, as my
list of previous convictions will attest. But fair play to them, cos Kingswells is
a fair hike fae the coach-parks doon at the beach.
Archie:
Aye but I'd think they'd mebbe park a bittie closer nor at At the Park and Ride,
mebbe.
Davie:
Well there'd be plenty o' room. But they widna be allowed to park there, wid
they? I mean, there's signs up on the dual carriageway for football traffic and
a'athin!
Archie:
Well, they'll jist hiv to change the signs, Davie.
Davie:
Can they dae that? Can they change the signs? Oh, this is mair serious nor I
thocht, Archie. Will they hiv to change ither signs an a'? Like the een that says
"Edinburgh - 127 miles?"
Archie:
It will remain unaffected.
Davie:
At's a relief.
Archie:
But this is a serious business is Davie. I mean, it's nae jist whaur we've movin
to. It's fit we're leaving behind. Pittodrie Stadium!
Davie:
Diz Pittodrie nae mean "place of dung" in Gaelic, Archie?
Archie:
The aptly named Pittodrie stadium! They say the Milennium stadium in
Cardiff's the first een in this country to hae a removable roof, but that's nae
strictly true.
Davie:
No?
Archie:
No. The main stand roofs been coming off for years. Ye're niver sure fan the
next bittie's going to come rattlin' doon.
Davie:
Well, it's the Pittodrie wind isn't it?
Archie:
Aha. And yer Pittodie wind's a big part o the matchday experience. Getting yer
toorie and yer gloves on. And pinting yourself wi liniment and whale blubber,
to prevent death fae exposure.
Davie:
And of course, there's ither sentimental attachments an a. We scattered my
uncle Geordie's ashes at Pittodrie, you ken.
Archie:
Wiz the club happy enough for ye to dae that?
Davie:
They didna ken onything aboot it. We smuggled him in in a thermos flask and
couped it oot at half time. The boy next to us wizna pleased, though.
Archie:
Fit wye?
Davie:
Weel the wind took a hud and blew it up into his face. Although in fairness, he
wiz good enough to say that it hid unproved the flavour o' his Pittodrie pie.
Archie:
At widna happen at the new place!
Davie:
Fit wye nae?
Archie:
Ye winna get a Pittodrie pie oot there. Ye'll get a Kingswells Quiche.
Davie:
Hiy.
Archie:
Hiy.
[Blackout]
Savannah - Lord Provost
V/o
Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please welcome Savannah de Cabriolet,
proprietor o the Fingertips Escort Agency and Localised Physiotherapy Salon,
and, following today's landslide victory, Lord Provost of Aberdeen
[Sfx:- The Lass Of Bon Accord on brass]
Savannah
Welcome all. Oh, I'm jist breathless. I canna begin to tell you fit an honour it is
for me to hiv been elected Provost o' this fine city. This is the culmination of fit
his been, for abody working in Aiberdeen;s adult entertainment business an up
and doon year. And though I may now be on top, it's not so long since we wiz a
staring at the bottom. Business hid been terrible ever since wir good friend and
patron Gordon Bennett whispered goodbye efter getting' the dunt fee Pittodrie.
And as for yon new Chief Executive they've got, I'm nae carin' fit he's daen for
the club, he's been a richt wash-oot for me. And I d'a care fit he says, he's no
Aiberdonian,- he even turned doon an introductory free shottie! But the
turnin' point came fan the City Cooncil finally relented to years o' constant
solicitation fae mysel and ither leading members o' the toon's horizontal leisure
industry, and de-criminalized the reed-light district. I took that as my signal to
tak' the profession above ground. I decided to advertise my girls' services in a
subtle, discreet, full-colour centre-spread in Roustabout magazine. And - efter a
wee mix up by Mearns and Gill -The Warcry. Business boomed! It's nae for me
to say fitna advert paid aff the maist, but let's jist say a helluva lot of oor new
punters play in a brass band. And I thocht weel, if this is fit happens fen ye
dabble in politics, ye micht as weel dae it properly. And so I ran for Provost,
and the rest is chemistry. I'll tak a few questions, noo.
V/o
Miss De Cabriolet, have you decided how would you like to be addressed?
Savannah
Yes, I decided this morning. And I decided I wid like to be a' dressed in my
signature fite and gold.
V/o
No, I mean, do you wish to be known as the Lady Provost?
Savannah
[Laughing] I dinna really think that wid be appropriate. No; jist call me
madam. I'm used to it by noo.
V/o
Very well. So Madam Provost.
Savannah
Oh Norman, I'll mak an exception for you. You can ca' me Dumplin'. Fit's the
point being formal efter a' these years? [Pause; Savannah follows an exit with
her eyes and says] Oh, yer away, are ye Norman? He often his to leave the
room sudden. I think he his trouble wi his waterworks. Ony ither questions?
V/o 2
Have you had a chance yet to take in what has happened today?
Savannah
Certainly, I find myself in a remarkable position. But it's nae the maist
remarkable position I hiv been in, in a long and varied career.
V/o 3
To what do you attribute your success with these elections?
Savannah
Oh, I think it's jist a knack I........ sorry, did you say "elections"? That's
a different set o' attributes a' thegither. I thirik it biles doon to my honesty. I've
awyse said honesty is the best policy. That wye naebody can get in behind ye.
Politically speaking, onywye. Aye, it's doon to honesty, integrity; and the fact
that I ken the Visa card particulars o' maist o the council members.
V/o 3
Male members?
Savannah
Noo, if you're jist ga'an to shout rude words I'll hiv ye thrown oot! An' fit wid
yer mither say to that, Scott Begbie?
V/o 4
Is there any truth in the rumours that you have styled yourself on Margaret
Thatcher?
Savannah
Weel we were both very much self-starters. I may stun' afore you noo, dressed
in chic haute cuisine, but I wiz nae to the Manor born. I wiz mair to the Manor
Avenue born. Fan my professional life began, I used to bide in a wee flattie in
Walker Road; and, fan the then-current Mr Cabriolet wiz offshore - God rest his
heavily-insured soul -1 wid earn a bit pin money, pressing professional men's
shirts. So Maggie wiz the Iron Lady, and I wiz the ironin' lady. But I soon
realised I could mak a lot mair money gettin' the shirts a' crumpled in the first
place. But no, Maggie Thatcher and I do not hiv much in common. There are
ither politicians 'at are mair natural bedfellows for my'sel. And to them I say;
keep makin' the payments!
V/o 5
What about your views on standards in public life? Cash-for-questions
allegations have dogged you since your emergence onto the political scene.
Savannah
[Dismissively] The gentleman paid for my time only. Ony questions which
may subsequently hiv been asked wiz a matter occurring atween consenting
adults. Onythin else?
V/o 6
What policies can we expect you to implement on taking office?
Savannah
My first priority will be to sort oot this ceremonial garb, for starters. [She
brandishes her chain of office] I've better chains lyin' idle at hame! But efter
that, my priority will be roads. And in particular, the Haudagain Roundabout
and Grandhome Bridge! Ye canna hiv folks driving at 5 miles an oor on the
main routes into toon. That kind of thing should be reserved for Cotton Street],
far my girls are ready and waitin to provide a professional and unhurried
service. Jist one mair question, noo, and we'll hiv to knock off.
V/o 7
Is there any final message you'd like to send to the people of Aberdeen?
Savannah
Yes. I hope that my emergence onto the political stage will be like a breath of
fresh air; or, if that is too much to hope for, like a quick scoosh o' Yardley's.
And I gie the folks o' Aiberdeen this re-assurance, with regards to foreign trips.
I will go on them, to fly the flag for Aiberdeen. But I winna need to tak ony pals
wi me. Jist the odd cardie in a phone box an I'll hae plenty money. An ye niwer
ken, instead o costing money, I'll mebbe bring some back! [She exits, waving]
Goodbye, abody! Byeee!
[Blackout]
PC Bobby Constable – Diversity Awareness
PC Bobby C. Aye aye folks, foo ye daeiri? PC Bobby Constable here to tell ye aboot my new
appointment, as Grumpian Police's Ethnic & Native Integration Monitoring
Assessor - ENIMA, for short. ‘Is is a new initiative, led by the Chief Constable
himself. "Bobby", he said to me, "This is my project. I have high hopes for my
ENIMA. I'm hoping that my ENIMA will cut through a lot of historic
difficulties that hiv built up ower time."
Like many, I believe that the Chief Constable's ENIMA is long overdue.
Allegations of institutionalised racism hiv dogged Grumpian Police for a filie,
syne. And it is true to say that on the issue of ethnicity, Grumpian police his
not awyse engaged in joined up thinking. In fact, we hinna awyse engaged in
jined up writing. But ENIMA is designed to get to the bottom of this. I am
proud to have been appointed to this post. It is a sensitive job, needin'
sophistication and intelligence, like fit I can offer of it to.
Fan I think back to the days o' my youth, I wid hiv to say that Aiberdeen wiz
not a cosmopolitan place. There were few coloured faces in the toon;but even
then, the potential for racial discord wiz obvious. I mind my days in
Kittybrewster Primary, fan budding racists used to gang up and torment wee
Sooty Smith, the chimney sweep's loon.
Noo that sort of behaviour is bad enough. But even that's nae the hale story.
Faniver there's a movement of folks into a placie, they come into contact with
the natives; often with disastrous consequences. Jist think of America, far the
native Indians wiz shunted into reservations by the file settlers. The modernday Aiberdeen is jist the same. Except the reservations hiv different names:
Tillydrone; Northfield - and the native people are indigenous Aiberdonian
minkers.
Much of Grumpian's day to day work is spent dealing wi the problems of the
minker. The main problem bein' that they keep committin crimes. But there are
other issues: we dress different; we dinna different; we fail to understand their
genuine and deep-seated fear of soap. How do we deal with this? We hiv
introduced a drive to get mair minkers on the beat. And I am proud to introduce
to you the first new appointment made under the ENIMA initiative - Leanne
Duguid. [Leanne enters to applause]
Leanne
Hiyaah.
PC Bobby C Despite being appointed under the scheme, Leanne will be given the same level
of respect as ither officers.
Leanne
Neen. Heh heh heh heh!
PC Bobby C Shut your face and spik fan ye're spoken to! Noo, Leanne is is a proud minker,
hailin' fee ower the watter there, in the Royal Burgh o' Torry. A former
alumnus o' Walker Road primary, like all true minkers, born within the sound o
the riot alarm o' Craiginches jile.
Leanne
At's true. My mither wiz visitin' ma faither fan she wint intae labour.
PC Bobby C Yer faither wiz a convict?
Leanne
Nih. He wiz a warden
PC Bobby C Thank goodness.
Leanne
Ma mither wiz a convict!
PC Bobby C Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, Leanne is the real deal, an her
appointment is the first step in stampin oot institutionalised minkerism. There
are some who wid turn up their noses fan Leanne; literally.
Leanne
It's the fish ile.
PC Bobby C In Torry, of course, fish oil is used extensively; for hairstyling purposes..
Leanne
As a moisturiser...
PC Bobby C For Christening babies...
Leanne
As a sexual lubricant.
PC Bobby C And so on. It is an essential part of their culture, and it's certainly daein'
wonders for my blocked sinuses. Finally, but maist importantly, there is one
other cultural difference. Torry is internationally recognised as a Kleptocracy.
Leanne
If it's nae nailed doon, they'll be awa' wi it.
PC Bobby C But this is not to say that the people of Torry are dishonest. Far from it!
Leanne
We are as honest as the day is long.
PC Bobby C It's jist that they sleep in the day, come oot at night, and try yer door.
Recognising this is the key to avoiding mutual embarrassment. So if
Leanne comes roon to yer hoose to note a statement fae ye, treat her wi'
courtesy, treat her wi respect; an afore she leaves, mak sure ye've still got
yer video. Cheerio! Here, far's ma wallet?
[Blackout]
The Cruel Sea; School Nurses
V/o
Billy and Dougie have been dismissed from their job as airline stewards because of a
perceived lack of sensitivity.
Billy
[V/o] Poofters!
V/o
They continue to be frustrated by the absence of what they consider to be jobs to which
they are naturally suited, but making use of the first-aid training they received whilst
working on the boats, they take up jobs as school nurses. [ lights up to reveal Billy
and Dougie dressed as male nurses.]
Billy
Settle doon. As ye'll ken, the last school nurse is currently aff work on maternity leave,
hivin' been knocked up by yon loon in fourth year files he wiz skivin' aff double French.
Ye'll a' ken that; it's been a' ower the papers, as well as the bike-shed wa's. So me and my
pal Dougie Albinson is here to tak' ower. I think I can say it is unlikely that we will be
leavin the school for the same reasons as wir predecessor, Miss Knight; or, as she's known
in certain quarters o the media, "three times a".
Theday, Dougie and I will be gie'in you pimply shower o ponces yer cough-cough. Is is
Dougie, here. We used to work on the fishin boats thegither, oot o Peterheid. He eence
saved me the use o my hand. We wiz unloadin the fish at the quayside fan I got pulled into
the winch. My hand burst open like an ower-ripe melon. Bleed and bone awye. Onywye,
Dougie collected the severed fingers and packed them in ice until the ambulance arrived. I
got them a' sewn back on at the hospital. Some man. Today, he is further assisting me by
chilling the spoon which I shall be using to verify the fact that your testicles hiv descended.
[He shakes his head sadly. ]Unlike my predecessor in this job, I am nae lookin' forward to
this ony mair than you are. So on the count of three, drap yer drawers and we'll get this
ower and done wi. One ..... two ...... three.
[Sfx: the sound of many trousers falling down]
Billy
[Blackout ]
[Looking out with distaste] I wish I wiz back on the boats, Dougie. I wish I wiz back on
the boats.
Mither – Ronnie’s Big News
Ronnie
[Calling from off-stage] Mum! Dad! [Ronnie and Charlotte enter, Ronnie
carrying a small bag. Ronnie sees faither.] Hello dad.
Faither
Hiy.
Ronnie
You’ve met Charlotte before.
Faither
Aha, mhh-hmm. [Shyly] Hullo.
Ronnie
Is mum about?
Faither
Aye, yer mither’s dottin’ aboot the hoose. She’s, eh… well, ye’ll see yersel’.
[Mither enters with a particularly repulsive lamp]
Mither
[Ignorant as to the fact she has guests] Oh, faither, ye’ll jist hiv to dae yon
room again. I canna find a placie for’t onywye. [Ronnie and Faither make
significant eye contact. Mither’s eyes alight on her guests] Faither, ye niver
telt me wi hid a visitor.
Ronnie
[Indicating Charlotte] Visitors, mum.
Mither
Oh yes, aha. [She sends the merest of glances across to Charlotte before
turning her attention again to Ronnie] Foo ye daein, onywye?
Ronnie
We’re both fine mum, thanks. You?
Mither
Oh, jist gloryin’ on, ye ken. I’ll g’wa and pit on the kettle. [Pointedly to
Charlotte] I’ve got a Victoria sponge that I made yesterday. Is at nae right
faither?
Faither
Aha, mhh-hmm. [Sotto voce] The second attempt came oot fine.
Ronnie
[Catching Mither just before she spads off] Don’t dash off mum. [Handing
over the bag] This is for you and dad.
Mither
Och, ye’ve been coming here long enough, Ronnie, ye dinna need to tak
onythin wi’ ye……..
Ronnie
Well, but I have.
Mither
[Removes a bottle of champagne.] Oh, Ronnie, is is expensive stuff, is it nae?
Fit’re ye daein’ takin’ is wi’ ye? Hiv ye hid a promotion?
Ronnie
No, it’s not that mum.
Mither
Got a new job athegither?
Ronnie
It’s not work-related, mum. [Pause] Charlotte and I have got engaged.
Mither
[Emotions in turmoil] Oh! Oh, but that’s…that’s… [Pause] I’m struck
dumb!
Faither
[Rising from his seat suddenly, shaking hands, etc] Congratulations!
Congratulations to the pair o’ ye! [He sweeps the bottle away] I’ll awa and get
this on the go.
Mither
Oh, my legs hiv jist turned to jeely.
Faither
[Indicating the chair he has risen from] Sit doon, then.
Mither
But that’s your chair, faither!
Faither
[Kindly] Sit doon. [He exits]
Mither
[Sitting down and fanning herself with the P&J] So fan did ye get engaged,
then?
Ronnie
Yesterday morning.
Mither
Did ye ging doon on one knee?
Ronnie
Not on one knee, no. We chose the ring together.
Charlotte
We got it from Finnies.
Mither
At’s far yer faither and me got oor ring! At’s nae the hallyracket place I’d hiv
expected you young eens to ging to. Let’s see’t! [Charlotte presents her
finger] Oh, it’s bonny. But fit a size o’ a diamond!
Ronnie
It’s a bit deceptive. It’s square cut, it’s not as big in carat terms as it looks.
Mither
[Hissing] Ronnie! Fit the hell are ye daein’, lettin’ her ken ‘at?
Ronnie
Charlotte knows, mum! She was there when I got it! The salesman talked us
through it!
Mither
Oh, they’d mair discreet salesman in Finnies fan I got my ring! Oh, but it’s
awfa bonny. And hiv ye telt the faither of the bride?
Ronnie
Yes, we saw him earlier.
Mither
And fit wiz he saying to it? [Lights change. Mither freezes. George Forbes
enters. Charlotte attempts an introduction]
Charlotte
Dad, this is…
George
As your superior officer, leave the interrogation to me. [He positions himself
to the rear of Ronnie and faces out over his shoulder into the audience]
Name?
Ronnie
Ronnie – eh, Ronald Crawford, sir.
George
Rank?
Ronnie
Installations Manager.
George
Regiment?
Ronnie
Amerada Hess.
George
Number?
Ronnie
[Blindly] 593874?
George
I don’t want your phone number, boy! Are you trying to pick me up? Is that
the sort of installations you manage? Doing favours for navy boys in Shore
Lane?
Ronnie
No sir!
George
Then tell me your number!
Ronnie
My payroll number?
George
Yes!
Ronnie
2134769032A!
George
Good. [Pause] Do you love my daughter, boy?
Ronnie
Yes sir! I want to marry her.
George
And are your intentions - honourable?
Ronnie
Yes sir!
George
Well they’d better be boy. Because if they’re not then so help me God I’ll take
your [he clocks Charlotte and, not wishing to swear in front of her,hisses into
Ronnie’s ear] and I’ll [more indeterminate hissing. Ronnie stands bolt upright,
eyes watering] and give it back to you to stir your tea! [He subsides somewhat]
What’s your pay, soldier?
Ronnie
£67,000 a year, sir. [Pause]
George
Christ. My name is George Forbes, and I give this union my blessing as the
couple’s financial happiness – is secure. [He places a cigar in Ronnie’s
mouth.] You may now remove your jackets – and smoke! God save the
Queen. [He marches off as the lights change back and Faither enters carrying
a tray of full champagne flutes. They eye each other quizzically for a moment.
Ronnie removes the cigar, turns to his mother and says.]
Ronnie
He was fine about it. He’s a - remarkable man, mum. [Faither busies himself
handing out glasses of champagne]
Mither
I thocht you said ye were feart o’ him.
Ronnie
That’s right. He’s a remarkable man, and I’m feart of him.
Charlotte
He’s got a heart of gold.
Ronnie
You’ve just to do some deep-cast mining to get to it.
Charlotte
Don’t say that about my dad!
Mither
Nae fightin’ noo. Ye’ll hae plenty o’ time for that later on. Nae ab’dy’s as
lucky wi their parents as you! Ach, jist wait until I get my hands on him. I’ll
soon timmer him up!
Ronnie
Oh, Christ!
Faither
To the happy couple!
Mither
Charlotte, welcome tae my fem’ly! [They all drink contentedly apart from
Ronnie, who, troubled by the mental image of Mither meeting George, downs
his in one]
[Blackout.]
Mr PowerPoint; The Birthday Party
Mr PP
Thanks for taking time out of your schedules to come along today. I hope
this'll be a stimulating and enjoyable event, and I'd like to say a few
introductory words before we begin. Carole, Myself and, of course, Matthew,
bid you welcome to.
[Project: Little Matthew's 6th Birthday Party - Welcome]
Matthew's 6th Birthday party. The format will be along pretty conventional
lines:
[Project: Plenary Morning Session - Games]
Pass the parcel, musical bumps, the chocolate game. All old favourites, no
shocks there. And within that structure, we'll be having ad-hoc break-out
groups for activities:
[Project: Toilet breaks, tantrums]
Toilet breaks, Tantrums…
[P roject: Juice Spilling]
…spilling juice all over the freshly-laid carpet. That will take us up to....
[Project: Interval]
…the mid-morning juice and crisp break, after which we're into the second half
of the morning session…
[Project: Continued Plenary Morning Session]
…a Treasure Hunt in the garden or inside for Musical Statues, if wet. That
leads us on to…
[Project: Lunch: Jelly and Ice Cream]
…a jelly and ice-cream lunch accompanied by…
[Project: Childish laughter]
…childish laughter and…
[P: Hyperactivity]
…hyperactivity as tartrazine and blood-sugar levels rise, all getting us nicely
ready for some …
[Project: Poor behaviour]
…poor behaviour and perhaps if we're lucky a complete descent into…
[Project: Chaos]
…chaos just in time for the…
[Project: Plenary Afternoon Session - Entertainer]
…Children's Entertainer who's going to be giving us a talk and a workshop on
party tricks and balloon sculpting. There'll also be an opportunity to…
[Project: Fidget, shout]
…fidget, shout out and…
[P: hair pulling]
…pull the hair of the child sitting in front of you before we head into the…
[Project: End game]
…final session of the day: a mixed bag, this one:
[Project: Birthday cake]
Birthday Cake…
[Project: Uncontrolled Garden Running]
…running around the garden in an uncontrolled fashion…
[Project: Vomiting]
…being sick down your front and…
[Project :Blessed relief]
…being collected by your mum, dad, or au pair. So a full programme ahead of us.
Any questions from the floor?
Child V/o
Can I go pee-pee?
MrPP
Yes you can. the washroom's directly outside. OK, I think all that remains is for
me to say…[Music strikes up and he solemnly speak-sings, a la Rex Harris, along
with these Ps as they come up. The rest of us (all off-stage) sing and giggle along
like Ribena Berries in accompaniment]
[Project: Happy Birthday to You]
Happy Birthday to You
[Project: Happy Birthday to You]
Happy Birthday to You
[Project: Happy Birthday Dear Matthew]
Happy Birthday dear Matthew
[Project: Happy Birthday to You]
Happy Birthday to You
V/o
I've had an accident,
V/o 2
hee hee hee hee!
[Blackout]
Bobby Constable; Dereliction of Duty
[Lights up to reveal Leanne on the beat, coming to the end of a sneekit ice-cream cone. PC
Bobby enters, espies this situation, and approaches the miscreant.]
PC Bobby C: Constable Duguid! Wid 'at be an ice-cream cone yer eatin' there? At's a terrible
thing tae dae! Div I hae tae remind ye at you are on duty? You hiv tae set an
example at a' times and, as officer o Grumpian Police, hiv tae gie the impression o
bein highly-organised an cogent. But molochin aboot wi an icecream cone is gien
the populace i very opposite impression! Ye look slovenly, an lik a ill-mannered
tink! Weel? Fit div ye hae tae say fer yersef? [PC casually finishes cone, turns to
Bobby C and says:-]
Leanne
[Blackout]
Far's yer evidence?
The Cruel Sea; Hookers
V/o
Billy and Dougie have again been unable to adjust to life ashore. They
have been sacked from their job as school nurses, for selling contraband
backy and top-shelf magazines to the third-year pupils. Unemployed for
six months, they find themselves now willing to take on jobs that they
would not previously have considered. [Lights up to reveal our fishermen friends
dressed up in PVC start, thigh-high boots, etc, obviously touting for "business ". A
passer-by ponders which of the two lovelies he is going to spend some time with.
Billy is duly selected. As he exits, he asserts:]
Billy
I wish I wiz back on the boats, Dougie. I wish I wiz back on the boats.
[Dougie cocks an eyebrow and maintains an enigmatic silence.]
[Blackout]
George Forbes; Airport
George
My name is George Forbes. Colour Sergeant with the Gordon Highlanders
(retired); security operative (redundant). Following my departure from Safeways a name which, since my dismissal, I consider entirely inappropriate -1 continue to
be between postings. However I have not been idle. I have been rising at 04.30
hours to the sound of a tape-recorded reveille, checking my pack and marching
twelve miles over rough terrain - 37 circuits of Victoria Park. There, I regret to
say, I have encountered - nancy boys. I avoid them by means of camouflage and
night-vision goggles. To them I appear as but a shadow, but I can see them
coming a mile away.
My search for work continues. I recently reported for interview at Aberdeen
Airport. It was not fruitful. It is not for me to comment upon the weaknesses
of a superior officer; but if directly ordered to speak freely I would describe
him as a long-haired peacenik yellow-belly, unable to grasp even the basic
tenets of security: erect bearing, smart appearance, swagger stick!
I realised immediately I was dealing with an amateur. I was led into the
interview room without being frisked, and it was only at my own insistence
that my identity was verified and checked against police records. Matters
proceeded cordially enough until our bold hero - our foppish, lentil-loving
friend - enquired how I would approach the post of hand luggage X-ray
operative, or, as I prefer to think of it, civil aviation's thin red line.
I gave him the benefit of my experience. Guns and knives are known about;
but the dangers posed by clothing have too long been ignored. The
potentially-deadly use of a belt or shoe-lace as a garrotte. Consider neck-ties hmmm? Trousers - with their zippers that could blind a man. Even a simple
shirt when folded by a Chinese Origami warrior fashions a serviceable cosh.
No, the only secure course, I told him, was total nudity.
He stopped me there, before I could even canvass the dangers posed by the
human tooth. I am convinced he would have approved my scheme, had the
results of the police checks not at that stage revealed I was wanted for an
assault upon the manager of Safeways have been detained in custody and will
appear before a Sheriff at 11:00 hours. My name is George Forbes, and this
police cell block is regrettably secure.
[Blackout]
Mither's Wedding Guidance
[Mither and Faither in their living room, Mither frantically ironing, Faither reading the
paper. Ronnie and Charlotte enter.]
Mither
Oh, hello. Come away in Ronnie, come away.
Ronnie
Charlotte's with me as well, mum.
Faither
[Laying his P&J aside for a moment; waving over warmly] Charlotte! [More
restrained but still with affection] Ronnie. [He hides again]
Mither
I see Charlotte's wi' ye, Ronnie, of course, I ken that. As you can see, Ronnie,
we're hard at work, yer faither and I. We've jist niver stopped! So tell me, how's
the preparations goin' for the big day?
Charlotte
Oh, we're well on the way. We've got the church itself...
Mither
The Kirkie.
Charlotte
And The Treetops for the reception.
Ronnie
The cars are booked.
Mither
Oh, and I'm looking forward to seeing them! Ye canna beat a bonnie fite Rolls
Royce!
Charlotte
We've actually gone for black Daimlers.
Faither
Daimlers! Lovely cars.
Mither
Lovely cars, aha. And black? At's rare. Jist mak sure yer driver taks the coffin oot
the back afore comes to collect ye.
Charlotte
We've a florist lined up. And a photographer. [Laughing] That was interesting.
Mither
Oh?
Charlotte
Yes, as well as getting the traditional sort of set-piece photos, you can also get
someone now to do things in a kind of reportage style, which we thought was...
Mither
Muck and trock! "Reportage style!" Stickin' lenses in yer face fan ye've
a moo fu' o melon, mair like! I hope you've stuck wi' the tried and tested!
Ronnie
[Woodenly, after a pause and significant eye contact with Charlotte, on the basis
that by the time the lie is exposed, it will be too late for her to do anything about
it.] Yes mum. We have.
Charlotte
And we've chosen a videographer...
Ronnie
[Salaciously] But unfortunately he won't be able to come with us and record the
honeymoon.
Oh, can he nae? At's a peety, cos they say Ball's awfa bonny, wi' a yon scenery and
athin'. Fit wye are ye wagglin' yer eyebrow up an' doon? Onything else?
Mither
Charlotte
Well I haven't just made up my mind 100% but I think I'm nearly there with the
dress...
Mither
[Massively] Dinna spik aboot the frock! Ye canna spik aboot the frock in front o'
Ronnie! It's bad luck! Oh, it's worse than letting a black cat in yerhoose!
Charlotte
Is that bad luck?
Farther
It wiz for us. Dam't thing hid diarrhoea.
Mither
Oh, ye canna say onything aboot the frock in front of Ronnie! That's jist death to a
marriage, yon. [Pause] So it's a bonnie frockie, Charlotte?
Ronnie
Mum!
Mither
Well! But that's grand. So yer plans are weel advanced. At's fine. Grand to hear.
Ye'd niver spoken of it afore, and I jist wizna sure foo things wiz goin' of a. Nae
that I'm complaining. Cos it's nae my place to get involved, I ken a' that, it's up to
youse twa and the Mither o' the Bride. Ye've nae need for anither body dippin her
oar in, I ken that. Too mony cooks spile the broth.
Charlotte
Well, yes and no.
Mither
Fit d'ye mean by that?
Charlotte
Just that, if you do have any specific ideas, you know, without saying we'd
definitely use them, I'm sure we'd be happy to take them onboard.
Mither
Och well, I'm sure I've nae thocht aboot things to the extent I'd hiv ony specific
ideas but - faither! Gie me working files 8, 12 and 23, and a' the magazines.
[Faither dumps a hundred-weight of magazines and three lever-arch files beside
Mither, who starts flicking through them in a business-like manner]. Noo, I dinna
mind hearing ye say that ye'd sorted oot yer favours.
Ronnie
No, we haven't really.
Charlotte
No. We've got the length of discussing what we don't want.
Mither
Oh, and fits that?
Charlotte
Well, we want to avoid all the cliches. You know; sugared almonds.
Mither
Well thank god for that! Old hat! And they ging through yer faither like a train.
Faither
[Merrily confirming the position] Like shootin' bullets.
Charlotte
And chocolates are a bit passe too. And pot pourri. They're all nice but just...
Mither
Just a bit lacking. Yes. I ken fine fit ye mean. Fit ye need is something unique and
classy, but that folks'll actually use, and'll look back on, years from noo and think ;
‘Ronnie and Charlotte's waddin'! [Charlotte nods her assent] Oh, I fair think we're
singing fee the same hymn-sheet here! Faither, bring ben the prototype!
Faither
[Mysteriously] With - or without?
Mither
With, of course, Faither - for full impact! [Faither passes her an item which she
then holds aloft. Ronnie and Charlotte are appalled] Voila!
Charlotte
It's...
Ronnie
It's a crocheted toilet roll holder with Charlotte in her wedding dress. [Pause] Nice
one.
Mither
Oh, is it nae, though?
Charlotte
It's, eh, unique.
Mither
An classy. I did the crochetin' mysel. Ye like the design o the frockie, Charlotte?
Traditional. Afa bonny. A quinie could dae a lot worse! I got the dolly fae Mr and
Mrs White that used to hae the Toy Bazaar. Ye winna find anither favour like it in
the toon.
Ronnie
I believe you.
Mither
And it's a very reasonable cost. The hale thing comes in at £1.57 all in. And that
includes the dolly at a wholesale price, and a roll of Kleenex Quilted Velvet. I'll
stert production the morn.
Charlotte
Well, I wouldn't want you to rush into anything...
Mither
Och, it's nae bother Charlotte. Truth be telt I've a'ready crocheted 63 o' the little
frockies. I'm pleased at's at settled. Noo - fit aboot yer cake?
Charlotte
Well, we haven't seen anything startling.
Mither
Neither hiv I. I grant ye, I hinna been lookin' hard. But I've nae seen nithin bangy
in ony o the places I've teeted in.
Ronnie
Where have you been, Mum?
Mither
Oh jist here and there. Kelly of Cults. A shoppie in Montrose. A wee placie I heard
aboot, doon in Galashiels. But I think I've come up with something. Ye ken Jim,
doon the road, ye used to play wi? Afore ye got yer bursary, and wint to Gordons?
Ronnie
I remember Jim. He was a fine lad.
Mither
Well he sends his regards. And he's wondering if you still hae that Chewbacca
Star Wars figure you borrowed fae him?
Ronnie
[Defensively] Might have.
Mither
Well it turns out Jim's a baker. And he's daen awfa weel. He's a master baker.
[Pause] Enough. Onywye, I spoke wi' him and he'd be happy to dae something for
ye. And the twa o' us hiv come up wi somethin'. [Farther comes on with either a
model or a flip chart]. Noo, mind, he's a baker, nae a confectioner...
Ronnie
What have you got in mind mum?
Mither
Well ye've heard o' the bridal cake?
Charlotte
Yes.
Mither
Weel this wid be [flips over chart or uncovers the mock-up to show three tiers of
bridies, surmounted-with a model of the happy couple ] the bridie cake. Three
tiers, each a bridie or perhaps - for variety - a pasty? And the crowning glory - the
happy couple, lovingly rendered in shortcrust pastry.
Ronnie
I'm not sure it's what we're looking for...
Mither
But a normal cake's awyse wasted. Naebody wints feat sickly sweet things at
night. But a slice of bridie...
Faither
Or pasty.
Mither
Or pasty, Faither, thank you — that'll ging doon a storm efter a couple of dashing
white sergeants!
Ronnie
I don't know...
Charlotte
There'll be the hot buifet anyway...
Mither
Well but I 'vethocht about that. I phoned up the Treetops Hotel. I spoke to Mr
Tops in person. And he said ye'd plumped for stovies.
Ronnie
Yeah, we have......
Mither
At £4.95 a head! For a company o' twa hunner folks! At's [she flips over the chart
to reveal it] Nine hunner an' ninety pounds!
Ronnie
Well we don't want to skimp.
Mither
I ken at Ronnie. An at's laudable. Naebody likes a skinflint. But the guts o a grand
on tatties and ingin's is takin' generosity a bittie too far. I wouldna mind; I said to
Mr Tops, I said, I'll bring the stovies in mysel! But the cheeky bugger said he'd
charge corkage. But that's the beauty o' the bridie cake! It's yer evening buffet, but
in cake form. We can smuggle it in unner their noses and the bandits canna stop
us! God, I'm dyin' of thirst. Onyone wid think I'd been daein' a the spikkin. Faither,
a cuppie, files we think aboot the ither area a Mither's touch might be appreciated!
[Faither lurches off]
Ronnie
And what's that then mum?
Mither
The first dunce!
Charlotte
We were just going to put something on and wobble round the dancefloor. Try not
to stand on each other's toes too much!
Mither
Oh, were ye? Weel mebbe I'm old fashioned, but I think a first dance is very
important. It's the first steps ye tak the gither as a couple. It sets the tone for yer
hale merried life.
Ronnie
What was your and dad's first dance?
Faither
[From off] A steamy, sensual Tango.
Ronnie
Aye, but, seriously...
Mither
Seriously, Ronnie. Fit a magical evening! We wizjistablur on yon fleer! Oh, Fred
and Ginger wid hiv needed to look lively yon night at the Dee Motel! And there's
no reason why you two shouldna be exactly the same! Fit you need to dae is jist
blow them away wi something dramatic; something naebody's expectin. [Pause]
Hit it, faither!
[Sfx 9: ‘Bolero’]
[Mither skates away from behind the ironing board as faither serenely skates in. They perform
an abridged version of the dance on roller skates before falling to the ground in the manner of
Torville and Dean's doomed lovers. Ronnie and Charlotte remove the figures from the flip chart
and hold up boards showing a perfect "6.0".]
[Blackout]
Act 2
The Buckie Drifters – Saturday Night at the Boulie
V/o:
And now the band that brought you such memorable hits as On Broad Street and
The Hardgate Shuffle. Still playing live and featuring the cousin of one of the
original members - it's… The Buckie Drifters!
[Sfx 10: Backing track: “Saturday Night at the Movies”]
Pikey
Weel Saturday nicht , aboot 8 o' clock I ken fit I'm gan tae dae
Im gan to ging an get the blon' An tak her tae the UCG
But at is far wir paths diverge.
She'll be goin in wi'oot her loon
I'll be driving a nicht long up an doon an roon and roon
All
Saturday nicht at the Boulie
They've got nae speed bumps ye see
It's the place to hae a racie in My '87 Ford Capri
Pikey
A' the beach boy racers fae Aiberdeen are linin' up to hae a
bash.
Wheels are spinnin and engines scream.
Ye'd think that ye were at Brands Hatch
I'll be burnin rubber doon the esplanade, undertakin ye in second gear.
An the bobbies dinna seem tae realise that we are here.
All
Setterday nicht at the Boulie, the North-East's buckshie Grand
Prix
I'll be makin like Schumacher in My '87 Ford Capri
Pikey
Wooah-ooh-ooh
All
Prix
Setterday nicht at the Boulie The North-East's buckshie Grand
I'll be makin’ like Schumacher in My '87 Ford Capri
[Blackout]
Robbie Live; Afghanistan
V/o:
And now, we interrupt this production with a news update.
[Sfx 11: News Report Music]
Anchor
Latest news on the ongoing effort to root out the leaders of Al Quaeda in
Afghanistan. There are reports that a sandal belonging to Osama bin Laden has
been found at the entrance to an isolated cave. Encouraging evidence that he is in
the area, and without adequate footwear. We now go live by satellite to the BBC's
recently appointed roving reporter. Can you hear me, Robbie Shepherd?
Robbie:
Aye aye! Here’s me, live by stalagmite fae i Tora Bora caves. An’ losh, fit a god
forsaken place is is. I've niver seen desolation like it an I've been to Fraserburgh!
Anchor:
Robbie, could you tell us how things have been going?
Robbie:
Weel, as you ken, I'm here tae hae a news wi yon loon wi the pointy beard.
Anchor:
I understand you have some exclusive news to give to us right now?
Robbie:
[With great gravity] Aye, I can exclusively reveal at I've nae idea far he is. Now,
you are the first person to hear this.
Anchor:
Thank you. Robbie, there are reports that troops in the area have devised a method
to flush Bin Laden out of the cave system.
Robbie:
Yes indeed, I hiv jist feenished bawlin' 'The Muckin o Geordie's Byre' through a
megaphone. Weel, I fair thocht at fen I sterted screchin', he'd smell an infidel an
come runnin', but haivers quine, there's nae sign yet.
Anchor:
Robbie, it can get very cold in Afghanistan after nightfall. Are you concerned?
Robbie
Havers quine I'm fae Aiberdeen! I've got ma combination Long John's on aneth
ma kilt, I've a flaskie full o' i watter o' life and I'm hopin' we can get a heat up wi' a
bit ceilidh. Last night, I hid a verra successful Canadian Barn Dance wi some o the
local Shepherds. I dinna think they're fem'ly.
Anchor
And are you worried that your provisions won't last?
Robbie:
I'm nae feart, laddie. I've a slab o' Coo candy an a tunnocks caramel log.
Anchor
Now, Robbie, I'm afraid we're about to lose the satellite link.
Robbie:
Weel weel, I'll jist hiv to love you and leave ye. 'is is Robbie Shepherd for the
BBC, live fae the Tora-Bora caves, Jiggery, Pokery, Aye.
[Blackout]
Several Willie Millers
Boffin
Good evenin', ladies an gentlemen, an welcome tae 'is special lecture, convened
tae let ye a' ken aboot a great scientific breakthrough.
I wiz approached a pucklie months ago by a top-secret consortium, fa hid decided
at enough wiz enough, an that drastic action wiz necessary tae halt the decline o i
city's maist prized asset. I speak not of the oil or Marischal College, but of AFC the Dandy Dons, 'is shadowy group aimed tae get the club back on its feet in its
centenary year, an mak it once again a force tae be reckoned wi. Fa were the
members o' this secret cabal? I am nae permitted to say. But it wiz this lot.
[Project lan Oliver, Ex-wifie Provost, Buff Hardie and Jim Leighton]
Noo the current Dons line-up is nae the best. Ging tae Pittodrie on a match-day an
you will see a rag-bag of never-was's an' young shavers, a' runnin' aboot, bumping
intae each ither an' lookin feckless an miserable as they pray for the merciful
release of an early bath. They are, as we in the scientific community wid say, pish.
So much so that there are persistant rumours their shirts will soon be sponsored by
Armitage Shanks.
Weel, I wiz charged wi introducing a line-up fit wid improve the team and inspire
loyalty among the fans. So how wiz the miracle of restoring football credibility tae
the city tae be achieved? One word, ladies and gentlemen. Cloning. Mair
specifically, the cloning o the greatest icon in i history o the dons. Ye'll a' hiv
heard the terrace chant:
[Project: "There's only one Willie Miller]
Well, nae ony mair there's not! I oversaw the project, fit wiz a collaboration
atween the Roslin Institute and the technie department at Kincorth Academy. We
suffered an early setback fan Willie declined tae provide a DNA sample. We
therefore hid tae obtain the vital Miller DNA by surreptitious means. We
despatched a lady of easy virtue tae Harry Ramsdens, but Willie did not fall fer her
charms. It remains a matter o' conjecture whether 'is wiz doon tae his high moral
fibre, o' the peer quality of our honeytrap.
[Project: Savannah]
Covert surveillance then revealed that ivery Thursday morning, Willie went tae a
trendy local hairstylist tae have his heed polished and his tache trimmed.
[Project: Pat Grants]
We were able tae obtain the salon's floor sweepings, from which we carefully
recovered the strongest and blackest moustache clippings. We distilled these doon,
pit them in a petrie dish and baked them at gas mark 4. The results were not as we
expected.
[Project: Sarah Mack]
But, undaunted, we obtained further floor sweepings and selected the secondstrongest and blackest moustache clippings from which we extracted suitable
DNA. Noo, in ony scientific endeavour o' this kind, there is an element o' learnin'
along the wye, or, tae pit it scientifically, buskin' it. Wir first attempt at a Miller
clone was only a partial success.
[Project: Groucho Marx]
A strong resemblance tae the original, very good at talking back to the ref, but a
heavy smoker wi questionable fitness. So, wi' a few adjustments, we came up wi'
oor next attempt.
[Project: Sam Torrance]
Nae, like the original Willie, the best penalty-box defender in Europe, so we tried
again.
[Project: Freddy Mercury]
Nivver one to dodge the tackle, but a bittie o'er-eager tae come back fer an encore
tae the post-match sing-song in the communal bath. Eventually, though, we were
successful, and I can report that we noo hiv a fighting-fit
squad of 20 Willie Millers.
[Project: Team pic of Willie Millers]
Albeit aged 47. Even so, we are confident that this will be a significant advance
upon the current playing squad. Finally, I am aware this initiative will hae its
knockers; principally at the End Of Project knees-up at the Fantasy Bar. But tae
those fa wid question the ethics o creatin' these genetic footballin' Frankensteins, I
say 'is. Do not worry. Safeguards hiv bin built in. Each clone will expire the
moment it attempts tae become manager. Goodnight.
[Blackout.]
Hair by Sharon & Denise; Baldy
[A coothy, happy type flicks hair off a barber's chair and says…]
Sharon
Now, fa's next, please? [An entirely bald man enters the seat. Our heroine is a
little taken aback.] Fit can I dae for you?
Baldy
If you just tidy it up over the ears, take some of the weight off the top and square it
off at the back.
Sharon
Fit's at?
Baldy
Clear it over the ears and give it a good tidy up.
Sharon
[Hesitantly] I'm nae sure I can manage at,sir.
Baldy
It's a simple enough style, surely.
Sharon
Aye, but it's jist yer hair, sir. It's awfa fine.
Baldy
Oh, Thank you very much.
Sharon
It's a bit flyaway, sir. In fact, I think it's flown away,
Baldy
[Laughing] I had you going! You thought I wiz mental, didn't ye? [They both
laugh.] I've nae worn my hair like that since before I went to Carstairs. [Now
deadly serious] Jist pull it back and put it in a ponytail.
Sharon
[Laughing lamely until she realises she has a nutter in the chair.] Denise?
[Denise enters, a cheery soul]
Denise
Aye?
Sharon
[After checking her watch] Yer 3.20 appointment's here.
Denise
[Spadding over and taking the scissors] Magic! Thanks for sittin' him doon. At's
magic. Haudon. [Sharon does a runner. Denise looks down at the bald pate and
realises she's been had. ] Jist a mintee sir. [She steps away and screeches offstage}
Sharon Taylor, ye're a big fat cow! [We hear laughter from Sharon before Denise
returns to the stage, fixes a smile and picks up the scissors, ready to begin work.]
So. Ye goin' anywhere nice for yer hol'days?
[Blackout]
Robbie Live; Hollywood
[Sfx: BBC Breakfast News music]
Lorraine
Welcome back to BBC Breakfast news. And now its time to catch up on the
Hollywood gossip. So we go live by satellite to our reporter, Robbie Shepherd.
Robbie
Aye aye jiggerypokery aye Robbie Shepherd here live fae Cellulite fae
Hollywood. I got fair shock fan I got affi plane, I thocht ye wiz sendin me tae
Holyroo.l I wiz thinkin' aye Robbie, at last yer among i political heavyweights, an
a' at time spent gassin' wi Mike Hastie put tae good use! But nah nah, this is me
fetched up on the ither side o' the big pond. Fit a place is is! I canna mak oot a
word folks is sayin' aye aye jiggerypokey aye.
Lorraine
You've been having a look at the stars who have been flocking there for the
premier of the new Julia Roberts movie?
Robbie
Ats richt, an I managed to catch a wee wordie wi Ms Roberts.
Lorraine
And what did you say to her?
Robbie
I sez tae her, god quine, at's a dam't healthy size o a moo ye've got there, I've nae
seen i like since yon prize-winnin' Charolais at i Turra Show. But she did not like
at, so I skilfully changed the subject and complemented her on i fiitret she hid
lodged aneeth her oxter.
Lorraine
And what happened then?
Robbie
Weel, she hid a bit greet a twa muckle loons gie'd me the bums rush. So at wiz yer
Robbie stuck in the car-park for the duration. But I did get a good lookie at ab'dy
else as they turned up.
Lorraine
So can you tell us a bit about what the stars were wearing for this premier? I
understand Julia was planning to step out in a new Dolce & Gabana ensemble.
Robbie
Weel, certainly, Julia did hiv on fit I wid cry a frock. A kinda sharny green colour,
it wiz, lik ye often see hingin aboot i hinner end o a coo.
Lorraine
And what about Miss Robert's co-star, Cher?
Robbie
She wiz in a frock an' a'. And affa immodest it wiz too. She widnae get far in
Kennethmont wi a few wisps o' lace coverin' her dowp lik yon. Diz her Mither ken
she's oot?
Lorraine
And what about Cameron Diaz?
Robbie
He wiz in a suit. This is Robbie Shepherd for the BBC, heederum hoderum aye.
[Blackout]
Mither; Charlotte’s Hen
Charlotte:
Mrs Crawford! Mrs Crawford, are you okay?
[Sfx: toilet flush]
[lights up to reveal a concerned-looking Charlotte in typical hen regalia, with an inflatable
mannie aneeth her arm. Mither, noticeably dishevelled and sans glesses, stots onstage, wiping
her mouth with the back of her hand.]
Mither
Oh, me!
Charlotte
Are you alright?
Mither
Oh! Oh, I should niver hiv hid yon peanuts!
Charlotte
Are you sure it was the peanuts?
Mither
Dam’t things!
Charlotte
Not the drinks?
Mither
I – I canna understand it of a’! I’ve jist hid fower tiny vodka’s and a great load o’
bitter lemon…
Charlotte
…flavoured hootches.
Mither
Fit’s a hootch?
Charlotte
The noise you were making in there a minute ago.
Mither
Oh, you da ken the worst o it! A jet o it got in ahin my top plate and sent them
skitin’ into the pan! Thank God I bleach yon lavvie three times a day!
Charlotte
But…
Mither
[Urgently] I’m goin’ to hiv to sit doon. Fa’m I spikkin to?
Charlotte
But…It’s me, Charlotte.
Mither
Faur are ye?
Charlotte
I’m over here!
Mither
[Mither turns slowly, struggling to fix a bearing] Oh, there y’are. [Pause; then,
myopically] Fa are ye?
Charlotte
Charlotte! [Pause] Put your glasses on.
Mither
Hiv I nae my glesses on? Thank God for that. I thocht I’d gone blin’. [She puts
them on] I forgot for a mintee I tak them aff faniver I hae a boa… faniver I’m
feeling poorly. [Espying the inflatable] Fa’s yer frien?
Charlotte
[Proudly] This is Ronnie!
Mither
Weel it’s nae my Ronnie. He’s got a bigger valve nor yon.
Charlotte
[Amused] You’re drunk!
Mither
[Also amused, and rising to her feet again] A gold star for Charlotte! Abody!
Charlotte! Gold star! Is at nae your job, Charlotte? Dishin’ oot gold stars?
Charlotte
Part of it, yes.
Mither
De y’enjoy bein a teacher?
Charlotte
Yes.
Mither
It hizna sickened ye of bairnies?
Charlotte
No.
Mither
At’s rare. Cos I’m wintin’ babies, Charlotte. There’s nae rush, da get me wrang.
Dizna hiv to be the day or the morn. As long as I ken the stork’s nae forgotten
aboot us athegither. Cos for a filie, I wondered. Aye, afore you were on the
scene. There wiz a great batch o’ ye! Sarah, then [a slight pause and wee strain
in the voice] Pauline; then you. He went through youse lot like a dose o’ salts.
But afore youse there wiz a good long filie and there wiz naebody comin’ hame wi
him, and naebody comin’ hame! And I wondered, you ken? I did wonder. I’m
nae sayin’ I thocht he wiz homosexual, Charlotte. But did wonder if he might be
gay.
Charlotte
[Incredulously] Gay? Ronnie?… [she peters out, realising a “Ronnie shags like
a tiger” disclosure is inappropriate in present company]
Mither
So he’s nae?
Charlotte
No.
Mither
Ye hiv an active love life, wi him?
Charlotte
Well …
Mither
Oh, come on. Ye’d be as well to tell me noo. In the morning I’ll niver mind fit ye
said.
Charlotte
Well, yes, we do.
Mither
Oh, I’m pleased to hear it! Cos there wiz a quinie he wint wi. And she widna let
him. I says to him “That’s nae good, Ronnie. Nae at your time o’ life.” Watty
and me, fan we wiz your age – of course, we wiz a lot younger than you fan we
wiz your age, but even so - we couldna keep wir hands aff each ither, Watty and
me. [Pause] I’ve nae cried him Watty for years. Awyse “faither”. They change
ye, Charlotte. Yer bairnies. [Pause] Hud on to the little names ye cry each ither.
Fit is’t that Ronnie cries ye?
Charlotte
Charlie.
Mither
Like Charlie’s Angels? [Charlotte nods her assent] Charlie’s Ronnie’s Angel!
[She bosies into her for a minute] Ye’ve a rare man, there, Charlie. Jist like I’ve
got. He wiz soothin’ me and rubbin’ my back there, files I wiz – poorly. [With
relish] And boakin’! “Doon a bit!” I said. “Doon a bit mair!” Took him a filie
to realise he’d struck dowp!
Charlotte
[Confused] Sorry – who did this?
Mither
Faither!
Charlotte
Is he not at home?
Mither
[Pause] Are we nae at hame?
Charlotte
No, we’re still in The Chicago Rock!
Mither
Then fa wiz that mannie that wiz rubbin’ m’ back then?
Charlotte
Just a good Samaritan.
Mither
But he rubbed my dow…
Charlotte
Just a Samaritan, then.
Mither
Ye winna tell?
Charlotte
I won’t tell.
Mither
Ye’re a good lassie. An angel! [Another bosie. And a pause] Faur are we again?
Charlotte
Chicago Rock.
Mither
[Happily] The Chicago Rock! [With absolute horror] Oh, me!
Charlotte
What?
Mither
[Blackout.]
I bet they dinna bleach their lavvies three times a day! [She covers her mouth and
makes for the stall again, with Charlotte and the oxter-bound Ronnie in hot
pursuit]
Robbie Live; Aya Napa
[Sfx: Liquid News music]
Host
And now on Liquid News, it's time for our weekly report from our youth
correspondent, out and about in the Mediterranean superclubs You there?
[Sfx: dance music]
Robbie:
Aye aye! ,Robbie Shepherd here live by Cattleshite fae Club Inferno, jiggery
pokery Aiya Napa! Me fit a folks wi' whistles ere is oot here. I wiz waitin on i
half-time oranges but they jist kept on bla'in…
Host:
How are you coping there, Robbie? I understand you've been trying your hand at
DJ'ing.
Robbie:
Tryin' m' haun'? Haver, min, I've hid ma ain show on the wireless for nigh-on
thirty year. These young shavers hiv nithin to teach me!
Host:
Yes, but you're not familiar with challenging beats, are you?
Robbie:
Weel, I da ken aboot at, laddie, some o' i stuff I play's in 8/4 time!
Host:
So can you describe the atmosphere in the Club, Robbie?
Robbie:
Oh, fit a racket! I came doon wi a thumpin' headache within a couple a mintees. I
wiz fair ferfochin, but a fine-like quine wi' a ring through her nose like a prize bull
sorted me oot wi a couple o' peels.
Host:
What were they?
Robbie:
She jist said they wiz top-grade, ken fit a mean. They're even stonger nor panadol!
Fit a difference they've made! I feel lik a young man o' 40!
Host:
So the headaches gone?
Robbie:
It his, but losh, fit a thirst I've got. I've been drinkin' straight watter fr the first time
since I wiz seventeen! And I keep findin' myself intin to strip tae i waist fer some
reason. But haud on a mintee, I've to change the record.
[Sfx: dance music mixes to Gay Gordons]
Host:
So, Robbie, winding up, how long do you envisage your set lasting?
Robbie:
Well I da richtly ken, I could keep is up fer anither twa wiks! 'Is is
Robbie Shepherd for the BBC, lovin it, lovin it, lovin it, jiggery pokery aye!
[Blackout]
Ronnie and Charlotte's Wedding; The Sermon
[We are in church. Ronnie and Charlotte stand with their backs to us, minister stands facing
the audience.]
Minister
Ronnie and Charlotte, I now pronounce you man and wife. [Much jollitv
and happiness.] Ronnie's Best Man Rob will read the word of God. The reading is
First Corinthians, Chapter 13
Rob
Verses 1 to 7. Also verse 13.
Charlotte
We thought we'd miss out verses 8 to 12. They do go on a bit! [The Minister
stiffens and looks aghast]
Rob
If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, I'm just a resounding gong or
a clanging cymbal, if I haven't got - love. If I can fathom all mysteries
and knowledge, and have faith that can move mountains, I am nothing - if
I don't have love. If I give all I own to the poor I gain nothing if I do not
do it - for love. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not easily angered, ft keeps no
record of wrongs. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and
love. But the greatest of these is love. [The minister takes a moment to compose
himself before speaking. He is initially calm but beneath that veneer, which will
start to crack halfway through the second paragraph, he is in the throes of a
nervous breakdown brought on by the travails of preaching the word of God to the
complacent, the bored and the self-indulgent.]
Minister
[Curtly] Thank you. We often hear those words at weddings, sometimes
accompanied by verses 8 to 12 which are theologically interesting, even if
they do - go on a bit.
The words are soothing, and seem to describe romantic love. But is that what the
passage is about? To tell, we have to consider its context. It comes from Paul's first
letter to the Corinthians. Now Corinth was a trading centre. People flocked there in
their thousands to buy and sell goods there. But successful as the Corinthians
were, there was a void in their lives. What was it? Well, if I may slip into the
vernacular - and, as I gaze upon a sea of blank faces, many of them chewing the
spearmint-flavoured cud, I think I will have to - they had an attitude problem.
They were only interested in money. They were an embarrassment to the Church.
So Paul wrote to them. We could describe his letter as observations or advice. But
basically - and you'll no doubt be thrilled if I keep things basic - he tore strips off
them! He told them their wealth meant nothing if they didn't have love in their
hearts. Love! But he meant respect for your fellow man, not kisses and cuddles.
He wasn't talking about romantic love, he was having a go at them!
Yet this thundering bollocking, meted out to a bunch of spivs, forms the religious
focus of this wedding - and every wedding I've conducted for the last ten years!
The Gospel of John, now. The Gospel of John! It really does have something to
say about romantic love. But it's ignored. And why? Because when I preached it,
six months ago in this church, which today is packed to the rafters, none of you
were here. I preached love to a congregation of six desiccated spinsters and a dog
with canker! And now, with a packed house, you want to hear some blandishments
on First Corinthians. And why? Because you've seen it in Four Weddings and a
Funeral, and you've lifted your noses from out of the popcorn long enough to
notice it's got the word "love" in it. And that's got to be good for a wedding, hasn't
it? Along with a couple of white Rolls Royce's and a stag night with a dirty, dirty
stripper who all but shags the groom in front of the slavering pack!
Rob
Was he there? I never knew he was there!
Minister
Oh, you need to hear a word about love, while you park yourself down on a pew
you haven't sat in since Watchnight - don't get me started on the bloody
Watchnight! [Mockingly] Oh we need the Church, you get such a lovely photo!
Well let me tell you something. I'm not a wedding singer in fancy dress. I earned
this dog collar! My brother now -he was half as clever as me. And he went off to
be an investment banker. And now, every Sunday morning, he takes off in his hot
air balloon from the lawn of his bloody chateau in the Loire valley. While I have
to put round the begging bowl every time I want the roof fixed!
Look at you all there! Look at you! All Prada shoes and Gucci bags clutched over
your hearts as if they contained the sacred word of the Lord! [He staggers at the
realisation -which is now upon him] Look at you! You are Corinthians, every one!
[He collapses over the pulpit, spent.]
[Blackout]
Hair By Sharon & Denise; The Cooncilor
Sharon
[She has a punter in the chair. Denise dots about behind, brushing up]Oh, it's
really somethin' this latest cooncil scandal, is it? Wi Kingswells? Yon mannie
tapin' yon ither mannie tryin' to swick the vote in the plannin', and him hivin' to
resign an athin'.
Denise
It wiz as if we hid real politicians in the cooncil for a minute! Ye ken, like the eens
ye see on the telly. Magic!
Sharon
Aye, but I mean to say, imagine yon mannie - fit wiz his name again?
Customer
David Maitland.
Sharon
Imagine him bein' stupid enough to tell a mannie fae anither party fit he wiz up to!
I mean, foo stupid a mistake is at, for a politician?
Denise
Nightmare!
Sharon
What a dick! The Cooncil, eh? I'd lock them a' up, I really wid. Onywye. Fit is ye
dae yersel?
Customer
Not a lot. I'm David Maitland. [Short pause] I'm a dick, apparently.
Sharon
Oh. [Pause] So — ye goin' onywye nice for yer hol'days? [He shakes
his head and mouths "no " as Sharon is saved by the… ]
[Blackout.]
Ronnie's Wedding; The Speeches
[Faither striking his glass, to say a few words. He is just the right side of shiny and happy.]
Faither
Hullo! Thank you. Noo, it's usually the father of the bride at diz the spikkin'. But
unfortunately, it's nae jist us wintin' to hear fae George the day; the police do and
a', following the incident wi' the Minister efter the service. I say the police winted
to spik to him; in feet, they were quite insistent. So I'm here as a change to the
advertised schedule, and it fa's to me to say a few words to mark the happy
occasion o' the marriage of Ronnie, to his new bride, Charlotte. By sayin' new
bride, I mean she's recent -1 dinna mean that Ronnie's got an aul een as weel.
[Pause] Ye'd better mak the maist o that, cos it's the only joke. I hinna hid a lot of
time to prepare. But I hiv hid a good bottle of a very good reed wine. [He tops up
his glass.]
So ye've got me spikkin'. And ye've jist got me. Cos Ronnie's a bit shaken. Weel,
at's the first time he's seen his feither in law tryin' to murder somedee. And efter
the day we've hid, I took the liberty of reading Rob's speech. And I hid to
confiscate it. It wizna blue, it wiz violet! Dirty! D'ye wint to ken foo dirty it wiz?
Jim Davidson telt him it wiz filth. But I dinna ken fit you're laughin' aboot. Nae wi
me kennin' fit I ken noo aboot yer wife! Onywye, ye'll notice George isne the only
kent-like face that's missing. Mrs Forbes is awa tryin to get him oot on bail though we're nae huddin' wir breath, cos ye dinna often get bail for attempted
murder. Nae fan ye're aready on bail for stuffin a pickled egg up somebody's... Did
ye hear aboot at? God amichty, he's an awfa George.
Then there's Charlotte herself. She's gone through to the bridal suite, to collect her
thoughts, hae a bit repose, and bawl and greet in private. Although in quiet
moments, ye can jist aboot hear her, above the noise o' the air conditionin. Ye hear
yon noise, like a seal wi' whoopin' cough? At's Charlotte. [To Ronnie] Oh, ye're in
for a memorable weddin' night, my loon. And nae in the wye ye'd hoped! And last
but nae least, we've nae Mither. She's gone to the bride to comfort her. As if the
peer quine didna hiv enough on her plate aready. So wir numbers on top table are
sadly depleted. But, on the bright side, the three o' us left winna be runnin' short o'
roasted tatties. Or wine. [He tops his glass up and waves it about expansively.]
Fine, fine.
Onywye, I'm sure we a' agree it wiz a remarkable service the minister gave us. Ye
might say it wiz a dis-service. And then there wiz the fecht - eh, I mean, incident,
itself. Noo some of you might not hiv seen fit happened. The Piper, for example.
He telt me the first he kent aboot it wiz fen the police sirens drowned out his
unique rendition o' Highland Cathedral in a Calypso style. For ending that alone,
we owe George a great debt of gratitude.
So we've hid a dramatic day. And I must say, it is a terrible peety the Minister wiz
quite seriously injured. I for one hoped he'd be killed outright. Let us finish with
this thought. Fit happened today wiz, in one sense, a nesty brawl. But it wiz mair
than that. It showed that the strength of the bond atween a faither and his daughter
should not be under-estimated. And neither should the strength of a retired colour
sergeant fae the Gordon Highlanders. I can say that without fear of contradiction,
and because the twa bobbies wintin tae tak wir statements hiv nipped ootside for a
smoke. So, ladies and gentlemen, please charge yer glesses and jine in me in a
toast: to the bride, the groom, and, all being well, a verdict of not proven!
[Blackout.]
Archie and Davie on Autumnal Love
Davie
Aye Archie.
Archie
Aye Davie. Fit like the day?
Davie
Och, nae too bad. Chavin'.
Archie
Chavin', aha. [Pause] Hiv ye heard the news?
Davie
Oh, is there news?
Archie
Aye there's news. Hiv ye heard it?
Davie
I da ken. Ye hinna telt me fit it is yet.
Archie
Sandy Mutch........
Davie
Sandy's deid!? God, at'a shock. No, Davie....
Davie
I wiz jist spikkin to him th'ither day. God, that's knocked me back! I'm incontinent
wi' grief!
Archie
Disconsolate, Davie?
Davie
That an a’. God, he wiz like a brither to me, Archie. He wiz the greatest friend I
hid; aye, present company included, obviously.
Archie
Davie, Sandy's nae deid!
Davie
He's come back to life? God be praised, it's a miracle!
Archie
No, Davie! He's nae deid; he's niver been deid. [Astonished] He's niver been deid?
No. He's getting merried.
Davie
Sandy's getting merried? Anither miracle! Oh, they're comin thick and fast the day.
[Pause] Fit wye did you tell me he wiz deid?
Archie
I never did!
Davie
Aye, did ye though Archie.
Archie
I jist said I hid news, then I got the length of sayin' "Sandy Mutch" and then awa
you went like a bull at a gate.
Davie
I'm sorry, Archie. It's jist that fan you get to oor age, fanever somebody says
"there's news", it's a penny to a pound somebody's deid.
Archie
Well, we're wearin' on, Davie. Aye are we. We've ower the hill. Certainly. We've
seen the day... But noo it's night.
Davie
Spring chickens we are not. Mind you, neither's Sandy. And here's him, getting’
merried. Fa's he gettin' hitched to?
Archie
Weel, it's a wifie.......
Davie
That's a good start. I think the relationship's got off on a very sound footing.
Archie
In feet, ye'll ken her. It's Sheila.
Davie
Sheik? [Pause, then in wonder] Nae big Sheila? That runs the buffet at the Seaton
bowlin’ club?
Archie
Big Sheila.
Davie
Oh but Archie, she's nae a wifie! She's a riotous assembly!
Archie
No shrinking violet, is our Sheik.
Davie
Oh, she's a fair Sheila is Sheik.
Archie
She is the only person I ken t've been thrown oot of an auld folks home for daein a
lap-dance on a Stena stairlift. I fear for the marital bed!
Davie
I fear for Sandy. An him only jist back tae life. Ach weel though, jist goes to show
ye. Well then, Sandy. There's lead in yer pencil yet. [Pause]
Archie
And fit aboot you, Davie? Are you romantically linked?
Davie
Oh no, Archie. Sandy and me is jist good pals.
Archie
I wizna speakin' aboot you an' Sandy, Davie. I meant in general.
Davie
At's a relief Archie. I thocht the rumours hid sterted up again. I'll tell ye what,
though, Archie, I'll let you into a wee secret. I am, at the moment, inveigled...
Archie
Inveigled, ye say?
Davie
Inveigled, Archie, wi' a lassie.
Archie
A lassie?
Davie
A lassie. In fact, ye'll ken her.
Archie
Fa is't?
Davie
Naen ither than \pause] Grampian TV's Sarah Mack.
Archie
Sarah Mack, Davie? The undoubtedly beautiful yet curiously orange siren o' North
Tonight?
Davie
The very same, aha. She sent me a love letter just the other day. I've got it here.
Archie
Let's see that. [Reads] "Dear Sir..."
Davie
It's early days yet. She's still quite formal.
Archie
"We are instructed on behalf of our client with regards to the ongoing campaign of
harassment she is suffering from yourself."
Davie
She's got an awfa bonny turn of phrase.
Archie
'Take notice that unless you refrain from loitering outside Grampian Television
Studios, interdict proceedings will be raised against you forthwith." At's a
solicitors letter, Davie.
Davie
Niver!
Archie
Oh, Davie I'm disappointed wi ye. I thocht ye'd got this sort o' thing oot o yer
system efter yon time fan Isla St Clair shoot ye in the erm.
Davie
Ach, she wiz only teasin.'
Archie
Oh wiz she?
Davie
Love hurts! And fit aboot you, Archie? Are you active on the romance front?
Archie
No, Davie. I doot my days as a lothario is past. The sap rose. Ho ho, did it nae!
But noo it is settiin' doon again. Mind you, though, I've nae complaints. I've hid
my moments. Ye mind Alice?
Davie
Ho ho, do I mind Alice! Div I mind Alice, he asks! Ho! [Pause] No.
Archie
Ye mind Alice. Crazy aboot me, she wiz. I used to get letters fae her; twa, three
letters a day. I'll niver ken foo she kept yon up. She wizna supposed to get pencils
or ither sharp objects in the secure unit at Cornhill. So that wiz Alice. And then
there wiz, weel, there wiz Alice. Nae muckle to tell the grandchildren aboot,
really. And indeed, nae grandchildren to tell. And I fairly thocht that wid be my
lot. But noo I hear aboot Sandy, I'm thinkin' I've some unfinished business wi the
fan-sex. If only I could find somebody to...dae the business wi'.
Davie
[Pause] Fit aboot Big Sheila?
Archie
Fit's at?
Davie
You could mebbes tempt her into a final fling on the stairlift, afore settlin doon wi
Sandy?
Archie
Davie, that is a shabby and disreputable suggestion. To suggest that I should defile
the betrothed o' een o my... remoter...acquaintances... [Pause] Ye widna hae her
mobile number, wid ye? [Davie hands Archie a slip of paper and sits on the edge
of the bench, expectantly. Archie is uncomfortable dialling in Davie's presence]
Here's a fiver, Davie. G'wa and tak yersel doon the pictures.
Davie
Hiy! [He exits, delighted.]
[Blackout]
Noah; Instructions
[Sfx: thunder crash]
God V/o:
[booming] I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both
man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me
that I have made them, [pleasantly] Have you got all that, Sandra?
Secretary V/o: [slowly] Man.... Beast… creepin' thing... Fowls of the air. Aha, got them a',
[pause] Fit aboot the fish?
God:
What about them?
Secretary:
Weel, are they for the chop an a'? Or do ye nae repenteth of them?
God
Silence! Has my appointment arrived yet?
Secretary
Aye, he's jist outside on the waiting cloud.
God
Send him in.
Secretary
Yes, Lord.
[Sfx: Buzz]
[A wee mannie with a tea towel round his head and a staff enters, nervously]
God
Noah!
Noah:
[bowing and scraping] Yes, your most reverend lordishness...
God:
Noah, begat of Lamech, begat of Methuselah, begat of Enoch, you are now in the
presence of The Lord.
Noah:
I ken, I came jist as soon as I could. Fit's adee? Wiz the sirloin burnt offering nae
fine?
God:
No, it was good, Noah. Very palatable. Though if you could add a like Diane
Sauce next time it would be appreciated. But that is not why I have called you
hence! Know this my purpose, Noah. I give you warning that, soon, the waters of
the earth shall rise and cover the land.
Noah:
Watter? Oh me. An' I've jist hid the lobby deen efter Mrs Job upstairs fell
asleep in the bath an took the ceiling doon! An it's a gorgeous Axminster an a’.
God:
I do not care to hear of your fitted carpet!
[Sfx: thunder crash]
God:
I will destroy man whom 1 have created from the face of the earth; both man, and
beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I
have made them.
Noah:
Someb'dy got oon o the wrang side o his celestial bed this mornin'! Spik aboot a
clear oot! Hud on though- Man, an beast, an the fowls o' the air and the creepin'
things? Fit aboot the fish?
God:
Do not question me on the matter of fish!
Noah
[bowing and scraping] As you wish, your lordish holy holiness, as you wish! But
oh Lord, you spik of destroyin the earth. I am pained!
God
You are pained, Noah?
Noah
Weel it's my ain fault, I ran a' the wye here, an I've got an afa tightenin in ma
chest. I'm five hunner year auld, ye ken. The wife suffers fae the same condition.
Wid ye be interested in hearin a joke aboot acute angina?
God
Certainly not!
Noah
Sorry! Sorry, faither. But I am pained tae hear o the destruction of a' that lives on
the earth. Except the fish. I mean I'm nae complainin', I'm sure ye've thought it
through… But- an jist keep a calm sooch- it jist seems a bittie coorse tae me. Fits
yer problem, eh?
God
I did see that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every
imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
Noah
At's a fair point, I spose.
God
Besides, you keep eating all the fish.
Noah
Only on a Friday. Oh no, that's the next lot. But, O Lord, fit wye can I win my
salvation?
God
Hear me Noah. You shall be spared. Thou shalt make an ark of gopher wood.
Rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and thou shalt pitch it within and without.
Noah
Fit wi'?
God
Pitch.
Noah
Stupid question, really. At's fine then. Jist one thing, yer lordly heavenliness. It's
jist a wee detail, I'm sure, but fit's an ark?
God
The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits,
and the height of it thirty cubits.
Noah
Very good. Aha. Two questions. Fit's a cubit? And fit's an ark?
God
It is a construction of hulled design, made for the transport of passengers over
water.
Noah
Oh it's a boatie? Oh ye should o' said. I hiv tae say, though, O Lord, da get me
wrang, I'm grateful ye've chosen me, but boats is nae really my line. Hiv ye
considered askin Mr Hall and Mr Russell fit bides doon the road?
God
I tried them, but it's trades fortnight.
Noah:
Oh, at's richt. They're awa on a Club 18-30. Tae Sodom an Gomorrah.
God:
[at an affa heicht] Sodom and Gomorrah?!
[Sfx: thunder crash]
God:
Then they must not enter the ark!
Noah:
It'll be aboot the only thing they dinna enter!
God:
Noah, it is you who must build the ark. But be not afeared! The Lord God will
guide your hand! It will be given unto you in a flat pack ready-assembly kit.
Noah:
Oh, ats afa good o ye, Lord.
God
You can expect delivery on Thursday. But I command you to give food and water
to the driver, for lo, he shall have come all the way from Belshill.
Noah:
So tell me, once I've got 'is ark sorted oot, O yer mightiness, fit div I dae wi it?
God
Animals shalt though take unto the Ark.
Noah:
Oh me, nae aminals. I'm allergic.
God
Of every living thing of all flesh, two of evey sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to
keep them alive with thee, they shall be male and female, of fowls of their kind,
and of cattle of their kind.
Noah
So diz at include the fish? Cos they're jist as weel swimming along ahin us…
God
I shall think further, Noah, on the issue offish.
Noah
Aye, will ye.
God
There is no time to discuss this further, Noah. I shall call upon you once more
before the flood. But now, the clouds are gathering. The storm is on its way, and it
will last for 40 days and nights.
Noah
[Blackout]
Oh me! We jist hinna hid a summer!
Hair By Sharon and Denise; Jilted John
Sharon
Next here please! [A bloke approaches, purposefully] Hiya! Much off the day?
Man
[With some force] All of it!
Sharon
Eh?
Man
All of it. Off.
Sharon
Ye sure? Cos at's a bonny heid o' hair ye've there. In fact, did I nae dae you last
wik?
Man
Yes. You cut it for my wedding.
Sharon
At's right! Oh, you spoke aboot yon. A grand affair it sounded. Ceremony at the
Varsity…
Denise
[Who has mosied over for no clearly defined reason] Reception at the Marcliffe...
Man
And a helicopter to take us to it, yes.
Sharon
Far wiz it ye wiz goin' for yer honeymoon?
Man
Paris. Then a cruise down the nile. Then a safari in Tanzania.
Denise
Magic!
Sharon
I ken, fine, eh? Of course, I wint to Lanzarote m'sel.
Denise
For three wiks, wiz it nae?
Man
Four.
Sharon
At's some hol'day, yon. [Pause] So - fit wye are you here?
Man
Because she jilted me! So I've had to cancel it. Like I had to cancel the Marcliffe,
and the rest. And now I'm getting my hair cut out of the stupid, sappy style she
liked so much to remove the last trace of her from my life.
Denise
Nightmare!
Sharon
At's terrible, sir. I really canna say foo sorry I am. [Pause] So are ye goin'...[Bloke
turns round to face her]. No. No, obviously.
[Blackout]
Noah; Guidance
Sandra
Heavenly farther!
God
Yes, Sandra?
Sandra
Are ye busy?
God
I'm just finalising my preparations to bring an end to the majority of life on earth
and going through my old designs. Damn. I've just deleted the mammoth without
saving. Ah well, at the end of the day, it's just a big hairy arsed elephant. Was
there something important?
Sandra
Noah's here tae see ye.
God
[with some force]: But he has not been bidden!
Sandra
Weel he says he's bidin' till he's seen ye.
God
Very well, show him in. [She does so] Noah, you are once again in the presence of
the lord. What do you want?
Noah
Weel Lord, ye ken me, I'm nae a moaner, but it's aboot the ark again.
God
Do not try my patience, Noah. I've already translated the instructions from
Swedish for you and provided you with extra panel pins.
Noah
It's nae the construction, O Lord. Though I did hae tae nip oot tae B&Q tae buy
mair pitch. Yon wee tubie didn't last long. Onywye, the ark is built. She's sittin at
dry dock amongst my depphiniums as we spik. By the way, div ye wint a name fer
her? I funded cryin her the Saucy Sail an pittin a figureheed wi big gazongas at the
front. Or fit aboot 'Dundrownin'?
God
I would rather she was known simply as The Ark.
Noah
Please yersel, O Lord. Onywye, at's nae why I'm here. I've jist got a pucklie
questions.. Noo jist hud on files I get ma list..
God
-sigh- Yes?
Noah
First. O Lord, ye ken 'is 'twa aminals' rule?
God
What of it?
Noah
Fit div I dae aboot aminals nae…[pause, then expressive hand movements] getting'
on wi each ither? Cos the peer male panda, he's rarin tae go. He's there wi bells on.
I've hid tae rig up a caul shower fer him in the gairden an a'thin. But will the
female pit oot? Will she heck. So can I rope in anither female, jist tae be on the
safe side?
God
There are to be no threesomes in the Ark!
Noah:
Weel if ye say so, Farther. Oh, it's a helluva responsibility, 'is, ye ken. I
wiznae even allowed to hunnle money in ma last job, an noo the nature o'
ivery livin' thing- apart fae the fish - is in my hands! Oh, it's nae easy.
God:
And are the animals quartered correctly?
Noah:
Weel at's jist it, y'see. I've gone fer alphabetical order, but I'm feart o fits
gan tae happen tae the antelopes, fa're richt next to the alligators. At's bad
enough, but can ye jist imagine the time I've hid wi the ants and the anteaters?
God:
Nature was not made to be ordered alphabetically, Noah. Let the creatures
roam free!
Noah:
Weel I've tried, but at didnae work either. There I wiz, aboot tae wash doon
the lawie seat 'is morning…
God:
As you do.
Noah:
As ye do. An I looked doon an I saw something coiled up in, fit I can only
describe as, the chunty. An it wiz helluva black in there, fit wi a' yon pitch. I
couldnae see fit it wiz, so I peers in, an 'is thing comes rearin up at me, hissin an
spittin'. In my fear I cried oot tae the wife - "fit the hell did you hae fer yer denner
last night?" An I grabbed yon hissin thing an I dashed its heed on the porcelain. So
the upshot is, I'm needin anither cobra.
God:
It shall be done. Was there anything else?
Noah:
Weel, there is jist one thing. Noo it's two of ivery aminal, includin' me an ma
wife, is at richt?
God:
[suspiciously] Why do you ask?
Noah:
Weel, ye see, O Lord, me an the wife hiv niwer bin close. But there's a young lady
at number 37. Jezebel, her name is. Noo she's bin afa friendly tae me, so can I nae
tak her an a? I dinna wint tae be in the same boat as yon Panda cheil I wiz telling
ye aboot earlier.
God:
I expect you to honour your wedding vows, Noah.
Noah:
But it's nae me I'm thinkin' aboot, yer Majesticalness. It's you! Fit if the line
died oot an ye hid tae dae us again fae scratch? Oh it'd be an afa scutter.
God:
Hmm. You are correct, Noah. And I haven't kept the moulds. Therefore I will
permit you to preserve your line…
Noah:
Oh ye dancer!
God:
…by taking your sons and their wives unto the Ark.
Noah:
Yer too kind, o Lord (!)
God:
Tell me Noah, for time is short. Are your preparations nearly complete?
Noah
Aye. I've spliced the mainbrace, I've battened the hatches, I'm jist aboot riggit. The
only thing I've tae dae is swing by an collect the pair o' Unicorns afore the rain
comes the morn.
God
The day, Noah.
[Sfx: heavy rain]
Noah
[Blackout]
Oh shite!
Kingswells
Chair:
[A pompous, nasal busybody] Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I hereby call
to order the latest meeting of the Kingswells Infrastructure Local Action Protestors
First United Community Group, or, as we have been calling ourselves for short,
the K.I.L.A.P.I.F.U.C... G. First item on the agenda - changing our name, so that it
spells out something a bit more compelling than KILAPIFUC... G. [General
murmurs of "hear hear ". One cry of "Ungrateful bastards"]
Chair:
Sorry Alec. But as you may remember from this mornings meeting, over two
thirds of our membership were implacably opposed to the continuation of that
name. Does anyone have any other ideas?
Member#l:
I propose ditching the reference to Kingswells. It turns folk off our cause,
particularly those who don't live in Kingswells.
Chair:
Current research shows there is no-one opposed to the stadium who does not live
in Kingswells; but continue.
Member#l:
Furthermore, I propose that we should rename ourselves the Northern
Infrastructure Management Business Initiative!
Chair:
Which would spell out NIMBY. Catchy, certainly but it does have some negative
connotations. Any other suggestions?
Member#2:
What about Neighbourhood Institution Maintaining Beneficial Yields?
Chair:
Eh, that's NIMBY again. So, that's no good. What about National Initiative,
Manufacturing Ballistic Y… oh, bollocks to it. Next item on the agenda! I've had a
report from our members in the Petition Sub-Divisional Committee, who have now
collected 150, 000 signatures from local residents supportive of our cause. And I
have collected a few names myself. So it's a big hello to Euan Bacile, Olivia
Nuttars, and Ivor Deap-Seated-Loathing-For-You-And-All-You-Stand-For.
Brothers and sisters, the struggle has been long and hard, but I believe we can still
win the fight. We shall remain steadfast and resolute in our opposition to the
Kingswells Football Stadium. And we all know the reason why!
Member#2:
We don't like football!
Member#3:
I do.
Chair:
Silence! We want facilities geared towards the people of Kingswells. Facilities
that'll improve our quality of life.
Member#l:
Like leisure facilities. Swimming pools, and open areas of use to the community.
Member #3
Isn't that part of the stadium proposal?
Chair
Member #3
Have that woman ejected!
Why are we opposed to the stadium, anyway?
Chair
[Shooting member #3] Dispose of the body in the Loch of Skene. We don't want a
whopping great football stadium here.
Member #2:
Actually, it's really the football fans we don't want.
Member #1:
I agree. We are 100% behind the proposal for a brand new sports stadium in
Kingswells, just as long as nobody goes to it. Apart from us.
Chair:
[banging a gavel, probably] Here me, brothers! It will be a great day for our
community when we succeed. We shall remove the blight of ugly buildings from
our green belt pleasant land, and we shall be...
Member#2
Homeless?
Chair
No, triumphant! But until that day, we remain implacably resolute in our
implacable resolution. Because we stand in absolute opposition to the stadium
plans! [With shades of Ian Paisley] Kingswells says no! And nothing will change
our minds![Enter Stewartie Milne]
Stewartie
I wonder if I might say something?
Member #1:
It's Stewartie Milne!
Stewartie
Ladies, gentlemen, NIMBYs.
Chair
That name has yet to be adopted by the committee!
Stewartie
Oh, you are, you know you are. I know you object to our plans to build a new
stadium near your homes, but I think I have someone here who will change your
minds.
Chair
Never! We remain implacable in our implacable...
Stewartie
Oh, shut up. A few weeks ago, I took into my home a child who had fallen on hard
times, following the closure of the Green Final. [Alickie wanders on in Dons scarf.
He mimes appropriate actions to the rest of the speech.] Through his kindness and
generosity of spirit, that child taught me to look into my heart. What I am
proposing now is not just for me, or even the club, but for the whole
community. After listening to what he has to say, you will all be proud to be…
Aberdonian!
[Sfx: “Tomorrow” instrumental]
Alickie:
And so it's farewell, Pittodrie
Cos they can't play fitba at Pittodrie ony mair.
We're building a new Pittodrie
If we have tae sacrifice the odd tree
Don't despair.
When you're stuck wi a team
Less dream
Than nightmare
Then at least far they play
Can hae
Some class.
Oor very own field
O’ dreams, so
Loosen up ye dinna hae tae be so
Middle-class.
Let's praise it, embrace it
Cos Kingswells, let's face it
It's only a bit of grass
All
[Blackout]
[Calls]
[Tab]
Let's praise it, embrace it
Cos Kingswells, let's face it
It's only a bit of Grass!