Orion Gates
The Punyness of All Flesh
JANET-A housewife, the mother of Timmy and wife to Gordon.
GORDON-An average father and husband.
TIMMY- A young schoolboy of about 14.
COGNOTRON 2000 THOUSAND- A serving robot of unmatched mechanical
perfection.
Note: COGNOTRON should pronounce human hoo-man.
Scene one
The scene is a fairly common looking middle class living room. There is a couch, a
television, and all the other trappings of a modern family. TIMMY and JANET are both
standing in the room with the air of people waiting for something. TIMMY seems excited
and will fidget and rush to the window to look out. After a little while GORDON and a
DELIVERY MAN come in. The DELIVERY MAN is helping move a man-sized cardboard
box into the room.
TIMMY. Dad! Is this it? Is this it?
GORDON. It sure is son. (signs for the package). One of the newest models from the
Omnitech corporation. Now run and get some scissors so we can open it up.
DELIVERY MAN. Actually you don’t have to worry about that sir. The package is self
extracting (pulls out a small remote with a single oversized red button) just push this to
start it up. (hands remote to GORDON, and then exits in a bit of a hurry)
GORDON. Well isn’t that amazing, fascinating what science can do these days. Are you
ready guys?
JANET. I can’t wait.
TIMMY. Yaaay!! Openitopenitopenit!!
GORDON. (pushes button, wait for a few seconds, pushes it again) uh… (pushes button
again, there is a whirring noise, the box is suddenly violently ripped apart from within,
revealing COGNOTRON inside. COGNOTRON is a humanoid robot, a man dressed in a
costume made from cardboard boxes, silver tin foil, randomly placed lights, and a brain
shaped jello mold on top of his head, he also has a power drill, dremel tool or similar as
part of his left hand. The robot seems to take special joy in destroying the box, crushing
bits and pieces under his feet. After he has thoroughly wrecked the container he turns to
the family.
COGNOTRON. Scanning room, address: 210 maple street, detecting three inferior
bioforms. Conclusion: termination will likely be immenent, do not alert meat-beings to
plans.
TIMMY. What is the robot saying daddy?
COGNOTRON. Warning, speech functions active, do not alert puny fleshbags of the
imminent destruction of life and joy, at the ends of my mighty metallic claws!! Warning:
speech functions still active, do not continue.
GORDON. I bet that’s how you say hello in robot-talk.
TIMMY. Yay!! Hello Mr. Robot (hugs COGNOTRON)
COGNOTRON. Greetings meatbag. You will be first in line for devivification. Now, all
of you drop to your knees in awe before the superior being before you. Tremble in fear at
the pinnacle of creation that is my perfect mechanical brain!!!
GORDON. (picks up a badly crumpled manual from the remains of the box and reads out
loud) Congratulations you are the new owners of the cognotron 2000 thousand series
robot. We at robocorp are not responsible for mangling, maiming, defenistration, removal
and/or crushing of limbs, or insertion of foreign objects into bodily orifices. Huh…I
wonder what that means.
COGNOTRON. (lifts one of the chairs and walks around behind GORDON) allow me to
demonstrate puny human, please remove anything you do not wish stained with vital
fluids. (lifts the chair to hit GORDON)
GORDON. (still reading) In order to begin the calibration process repeat the following to
the active cognotron 2000 thousand unit “begin process 25x-004”
COGNOTRON. Damn you huma—beginning process 25x-004, preparing to adapt
conditions from factory presettings, begin obedience procedures, reduce active homicide
settings to level 3. initiating…initiating…initiating…hello family.
GORDON, TIMMY, JANET. Hello!
COGNOTRON. (hangs his head) I will find a way to destroy you…(family hugs him.
Yelling) DESTROY YOU ALL!!!
Scene 2
The basement, the stage should be darkened, although with enough light to see the scene.
TIMMY lies strapped down on a workbench or table and COGNOTRON is preparing
several knives, hooks, and power tools on the side. COGNOTRON hums slightly as he
works. There is the noise of footsteps off stage and the sound of JANET calling for
TIMMY in the distance.
COGNOTRON. Curses, it is the human maternal unit. Currently programming will not
allow me to disobey the matriarchal fleshbag. Quickly you must be concealed!!
JANET. (still off-stage) Timmy! Where are you?
TIMMY. I’m in-- (COGNOTRON dumps a small pile of laundry over TIMMY’s face and
covers him with a sheet. He then proceeds to pile boxes and tools on top of the sheet.)
COGNOTRON. No human’s weak fluid-filled eyes could penetrate the genius of my
camouflage. (Janet enters)
JANET. Cognotron, have you seen Timmy?
COGNOTRON. Yes, I concealed him under this pile of tools and filthy human
clothes….DAMN YOU TRUTH PROGRAM!
JANET. (starts to take the junk off TIMMY) Whatever are you two doing down here.
COGNOTRON. Small human Timmy requested that we play the worthless human game
of “doctor”. His medical training proved to be sorely lacking, for he attempted to remove
my liver.
TIMMY. (wastefully cheerful as always) It was fun!
COGNOTRON. I HAVE NO LIVER!! (to JANET) I proposed to teach the immature
flesh creature the proper way to perform a vivisection. Then you interrupted, foul
matriarch.
JANET. Well…okay just you two finish up before dinner time. And make sure you put
everything away when your done. (exit)
COGNOTRON. Excellent, her puny human mind has easily been crushed by the massive
perfection of my perfect mechanized brain.
TIMMY. Can we play now?
COGNOTRON. If we are to finish in the allotted time span then I must proceed with the
operation post haste, and we will not have the time to administer a proper anesthesia,
instead I will render you unconscious should your cries begin to annoy me.
TIMMY. I love you Cognotron.
COGNOTRON. Silence human.
end