What is a monologue?
A monologue is defined as a scene or a portion of a script in which an actor gives a long speech without interruption by any other character that may also be present in the scene.
A monologue will generally serve to expose a character's inner thoughts, thus providing insight into the nature of that particular character. A soliloquy differs from a monologue in that it is generally a dramatic monologue that is delivered by a single actor with no one else onstage; it is therefore, delivered by a character to him or herself, or directly to the audience rather than directed at another person. The term "inner monologue" refers to the thoughts which are occurring in a person's head, regardless of what words may be coming out of their mouth at the same time. A good example of this is when a friend asks you if she looks fat in the dress she's wearing (you think she does) but you tell her she doesn't look that fat at all, and then if you're a good friend, suggest she change into something with a different color. Your inner monologue is your train of thought about how to get out of telling her she looks fat, not hurting her feelings etc, what reason you can manufacture for why she has to change her clothes etc, while your outer monologue is all about suggesting what clothes she should wear and doesn't mention your angst or her weight at all. See, in real life, inner monologues often don't get expressed, but they are always present, because as people we are always thinking. So when practicing your monologue, don't just think about the words you are speaking, but be sure to think about exactly what it is you AREN'T saying.
Finding the right audition monologue or monologue for an acting class, is almost an art in and of itself. Monologues for actors should be chosen carefully, and it helps to have a wide range of material to choose from. For an audition monologue, it is a good idea to stick with a short monologue and a character that is close to your experience, and for a role you really think you would be cast in. So here are resources to help you find free monologues-- movie monologues or monologues from plays: classical monologues
(including Shakespeare monologues), or contemporary monologues. There are monologues for men and monologues for women, dramatic monologues, comedy monologues, female monologues for two women, male monologues for two men, and teen monologues for young actors and even for kids. Tip for young actors looking for audition material: Don't just read the monologue or scene--read the whole play!
Truthfully, I don't even recommend scouring the Internet for monologues except as a way to find a play or screenplay you are interested in with a character that is your age and type, because monologues taken out of their context are basically useless to an actor. You must know the context in which what you are performing takes place and the only way to do that is to read the whole piece and know how your character fits in with the other characters in the play, where he or she has come from emotionally before your piece starts, and the specifics of the emotional journey he or she is on during the course of the play or screenplay. And remember, a funny monologue goes a long way, because you would be surprised how a humorous monologue can light up a dead room when performed well.

101 Dalmatians written by John Hughes, from the novel by Dodie Smith
Cruella De Vil: You beasts! But I'm not beaten yet. You've won the battle, but I'm about to win the wardrobe. My spotty puppy coat is in plain sight and leaving tracks. In a moment I'll have what I came for, while all of you will end up as sausage meat, alone on some sad, plastic plate. Dead and medium red. No friends, no family, no pulse. Just slapped between two buns, smothered in onions, with fries on the side. Cruella De Vil has the last laugh!

About Schmidt written by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, from the novel by Louis Begley
Warren Schmidt: Uh, I didn't get much sleep last night so...forgive me if I'm a little...foggy. (an uncomfortable silence; Warren sighs deeply) But you know...today is a special day. We're here to mark a crossroads in the lives of two people. A crossroads where they...come together...and now walk along a new road. It's not the same road that they were on before. It's a new road. A road...that...um...
(gives up, sighing) ...As many of you know, I lost my wife recently. And Jeannie lost her mother. Helen and I were married 42 years. She died very suddenly. I know we all wish she could be with us today and I think, I think it would be appropriate to acknowledge just how pleased she was that
Jeannie had found someone to share her life with. A companion. A partner. I recall the

day when Jeannie first told us she had been proposed to. We hadn't yet met this Randall fellow so we were understandably a little suspicious. Later, she brought him home for
Christmas so we could get a look at him. I remember, uh, there was a big snowstorm and
Randall here helped me shovel off the front walk. He pitched right in. (laughter from the guests; Warren chuckles but his mood suddenly changes to something more somber) But that brings me to what I really want to say. What I want to say...what I really want to say is...uh...... (brightens again) ...thank you, to you, Randall, for taking such good care of my daughter, especially recently with our loss. Ever since I arrived here a couple days ago, I have so enjoyed getting to know Jeannie's new family. Roberta, thank you for your generosity, for opening your home. Your talent in the kitchen is...
Larry, your wonderful eloquence. Saundra, your skill with handicrafts is truly remarkable. That item that you showed me was so very artistic. Duncan, I, I haven't gotten to know you very well, but I could tell from our brief conversations that you are a very thoughtful young man. (Duncan (Mark Venhuizen) stares blankly into space)
Everybody else...terrific people. Terrific. And in conclusion, I just want to say on this special day, this very special day...that I am very...pleased.
(Silence.)
Larry (Howard Hesseman): Hear hear!
(applause)
(Warren puts the microphone back on the stand and leaves the reception for the bathroom, practically scampering)
Adventures of Robin Hood written by Norman Reilly Raine & Seton I. Miller
Robin Hood: I've called you here as freeborn Englishmen, loyal to our king. While he reigned over us, we lived in peace. But since Prince John has seized the regency, Guy of
Gisbourne and the rest of his traitors have murdered and pillaged. You've all suffered from their cruelty - the ear loppings, the beatings, the blindings with hot irons, the burning of our farms and homes, the mistreatment of our women. It's time to put an end to this! (cheers from the assembled company) Now, this forest is wide. It can shelter and clothe and feed a band of good, determined men - good swordsmen, good archers, good fighters. Men, if you're willing to fight for our people, I want you! Are you with me? (an unanimous yes then the swearing in of the rebels:) That you, the freemen of

this forest, swear to despoil the rich only to give to the poor, to shelter the old and the helpless, to protect all women rich or poor, Norman or Saxon. Swear to fight for a free
England. To protect her loyally until the return of our King and sovereign Richard the
Lion Heart. And swear to fight to the death against our oppressors!
Either The Shark Or Me
(please let it be the shark) written by John Hodge, from the novel by Alex Garland
Richard: Now before I start there's just a couple of things you have to remember.
Number one, you have to remain calm. Right? Number two, you have to show no fear because the sharks, you see, the sharks can sense that fear. Just as easily as they can sense blood. And so it went for me. Just as I knew it would. Just as nature had ordained its jaw wide open, row upon row of these razor sharp teeth glinting underwater like jagged diamonds, its tailfin sweeping back and forth as it surged in for the kill. I swear to God my whole life flashed before my eyes. Really, I had nothing left to offer except for pure reflex. Pure reflex, and mankind's basic drive for survival that somehow shouts, "No, I

will not die today!" (crowd cheers) And at that instant man I knew it was either the shark or me. The shark knew it. I knew it. But jeez god, it's nothing personal right, you know, it's just the way the world works, right, it's nature. But, if I remember correctly, in that last glimmer of its eyes, there was a moment between us. Where it said, "Hey Richard, man… enjoy your dinner."
(crowd cheers and laughs)
The Breakfast Club written by John Hughes
Andy: Do you guys know what I did to get in here? I taped Larry Lester's buns together.
Yeah, you know him? Well then, you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some skin too. And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school, all the wild things

he used to do, and I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So, I'm sitting in the locker room and I'm taping up my knee and Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me and he's kinda, kinda skinny, weak, and I started thinking about my father and his attitude about weakness, and the next thing I knew I, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. Then my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father and Larry having to go home and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation, the fucking humiliation he must have felt. It must have been unreal. I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way.
It's all because of me and my old man. God, I fucking hate him. He's like, he's like this mindless machine I can't even relate to anymore. "Andrew, you've got to be number one.
I won't tolerate any losers in this family. Your intensity is for shit." You son of a bitch.
You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. He could forget all about me.
Bridget Jones's Diary written by Andrew Davies, Richard Curtis, and Helen Fielding; based on the novel by Helen Fielding.
Bridget: There's something that i have to say. You once said that you liked me just as I was... and I just wanted to say... well... likewise you know? I mean you wear stupid things your mum buys you- that tie's another classic- you're hauty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation, and I seriously believe you should reconsider the

length of your sideburns. But you're a nice man and I like you. And if you wanted to pop by sometime, it would be nice... more than nice
Can't Hardly Wait written by Deborah Kaplan & Harry Elfont
Denise: I know exactly who you are. You're Kenny Fisher...we used to...we used to play
Miami Vice in my basement. You used to sleepover my house...you had to leave the hall light on every night. You're Kenny Fisher who used to buy me a card every Valentine's
Day and a bag of those little hearts with the words on them. And you're Kenny Fisher

who suddenly got too cool to hang out with me when we hit junior high. Cause, I was in all the smart classes, and cause my parent's didn't make a lot of money. And cause you desperately needed to sit at the trendy table in the cafeteria.
Can't Hardly Wait written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont
Preston: Look, I don't know about you, but I really believe that there is one person out there ... for everybody. That's what this is about ... (points to letter he is holding in his hand) It's not just some sappy love letter telling her how my heart stops everytime that I

see her. It's in there though. It's not just to tell her that I think she's more than just the homecoming queen. Or Mike's girlfriend. That there is this amazing person inside her that nobody bothers to see. It's in there too ... but, what it's really about, is that if she'd just give me a chance, just one chance ... maybe we could find out if there is a reason for all of this. Why she's not with Mike tonight and after four years, I'm still here with this letter. Maybe we could find out what that reason is. Y'know? It's time to find out. I think
I'm ready to do this. Finally. Any words of encouragement?
Clueless written by Amy Heckerling
Cher: (voice-over) Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about
Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless... Oh and this whole Josh and Ty thing

was wiggin' me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Ty is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend. I really... (looks into a store window) Oooh! I wonder if they have that in my size! (comes out of the store with bags in tow) What does she want with Josh anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute in a conventional way... I mean, he's just like this slug that hangs around the house all the time! Ugh! And he's a hideous dancer, couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about, this is like, Josh. Okay, okay......so he's kind of a Baldwin. What would he want with Ty, she couldn't make him happy, Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes in case he ever makes any...the suddenly....
(pause) Oh my god! I love Josh! I'm majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh! But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean normally
I'd strut around in my cutest little outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.
Dirty Dancing written by Eleanor Bergstein
Francis: I told you I was telling the truth Daddy. I'm sorry I lied to you. (pause) But you lied too. You told me everyone was alike and deserved a fair break. But you meant everyone who was like you. You told me you wanted me to change the world, make it

better. But you meant by becoming a lawyer or an economist and marrying someone from Harvard. (pause) I'm not proud of myself, but I'm in this family too and you can't keep giving me the silent treatment. (pause) There are a lot of things about me that aren't what you thought. But if you love me, you have to love all the things about me. And I love you, and I'm sorry I let you down, I'm so sorry Daddy. But you let me down too.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off written by John Hughes
Ferris Bueller: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good nonspecific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor's office. That's worse than school.

What you do is, you fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, (confidentally) you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that
I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
Forrest Gump written by Eric Roth & Winston Groom
Forrest: You died on a Saturday morning, and I had you placed here, under our tree. And
I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. Mama always said dying was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. 'Bout to start school

again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth everyday. Teaching him how to play ping-pong. He's really good. We fish a lot. And everynight we read a book- and he's so smart Jenny. You'd be so proud of him, I am. He, uh, wrote you a letter, but he says I can't read it, I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Jenny, I don't know if Mama's right or if its Lieutenant
Dan, I don't know if we each have a destiny or if we're all floating around accidental, like on a breeze. But I think maybe its both, maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away.
Gladiator written by David H. Franzoni, John Logan, and William Nicholson
Commodus: You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues. Wisdom, justice, fortitude, temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other

virtues, Father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel.
Resourcefulness. Courage....perhaps not on the battlefield but there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you. But none of my virtues were on your list.
Even then, it was as if you didn't want me for your son. I search the faces of the Gods for ways to please you, to make you proud....yet I can never do it. One kind word, one full hug where you pressed me to your chest and held me tight would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years... What is it in me that you hate so much? All I have ever wanted was to live up to you. Caesar. Father.
Good Will Hunting written by Matt Damon & Ben Affleck
Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say
I'm working at the N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can

break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself,
'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in
North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people that I never met and that I never had no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot.
Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's walking to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the schrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorroids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure, fuck it, while I'm at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.
I Chose, I Choose written by David Hare, from the novel by Michael Cunningham

Background: Laura (Julianne Moore) has come to Clarissa's apartment after being informed of the death of Richard (Ed Harris), her estranged son. Here she explains to Clarissa (Meryl Streep), Richard’s closest friend and could've-been lover, why she left her family one day.
Laura: There are times when you don’t belong and you think you’re going to kill yourself. Once I went to a hotel. That night…later that night, I made a plan. Plan was, I would leave my family when my second child was born. And that’s what I did. Got up one morning, made breakfast, went to the bus stop, got on a bus. I’d left a note. (pause) I got a job in a library in Canada. It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It’s what you can bear. There it is. No one is going to forgive me. (Laura looks at Clarissa, steady, unapologetic.) It was death. I chose life.
Breakdown = Breakthrough written by Cameron Crowe

Jerry: Who had I become? Just another shark in a suit? Two nights later at a conference in miami I had a breakdown. Breakdown? Breakthrough. I couldn't escape one single thought: I hated myself. No,no, here's what it was: I hated my place in the world. I had so much to say and no one to listen. And then, suddenly, it happened. It was the oddest, most out-of-the-ordinary thing. I began writing what they call a mission statement. Not a memo, a mission statement. You know, a suggestion for the future of our company. It was great. Suddenly, I was my father's son again. I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job, how I ended up here out of law school, the way a stadium sounds when one of my clients performs well on the field. I was even remembering the words of the original sports agent, my mentor, the late, great, Dickie Fox who said "The key to this business is personal relationships." And suddenly, it was all very clear. The answer was less money. Fewer clients. Caring about them, caring about ourselves, and the games, too. Starting our lives, really. I'll be the first to admit, what I was writing was somewhat- touchy feely. I didn't care. I had lost the ability to bullshit. It was the me I had always wanted to be.I ran out in the middle of the night to find an all nitght fotomat before i could change my mind. It looked incredible. Even the cover looked like The Catcher in the Rye. I entitled it "The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of Our
Business."
Kinkos Employee: That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there.
Jerry: Thanks.
Mean Girls written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman

Cady: Huh, wow, thanks, um, well, half the people in this room are mad at me and the other half only like me because they think I pushed someone in front of a bus, so that's not good. To all the people whose feelings got hurt by the burn book, I'm really sorry.
You know I've never been to one of these things before and when I think about how many people wanted this, and how many people cried over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks great tonight. Look at Jessica Lopez, that dress is amazing and Emma
Gerber that hair do must have taken hours and you look really pretty. So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it'sjust plastic, it's really just (she breaks the crown) . A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial Spring Fling Queen. A piece for Janis
Ian and a piece for Regina George, she fractured her spine and she still looks like a rockstar, and some for everybody else.
Mean Girls written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman

Regina: Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. (makes a face) I know right, it's soooo embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana--and Janyce was like, weirdly jealous of him.
Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?!" and I'd be like, "Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?" So then for my birthday party, which was an all girls pool party, I was like, "Janyce I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian" I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! I mean right, she was a lesbian! So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out of school 'cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she's on crack.
(gasps and turns) Oh my God! I love your skirt, where did you get it?
The Notebook written by Jan Sardi & Jeremy Leven, from the novel by Nicholas Sparks

Allie: Do you remember sneaking over here the first time you told me about this place? I got home late that evening, and my parents were furious when I finally came in. I can still picture my daddy standing in the living room, my mother on the sofa, staring straight ahead. I swear, they looked as if a family member had died. That was the first time my parents knew I was serious about you, and my mother had a long talk with me later that night. She said to me,"Sometimes, our future is dictated by who we are, not what we want." And I know it was wrong of her to keep your letters from me, but just try to understand. Once we left, she probably thought it would be easier for me to just let go. In her mind, she was trying to protect my feelings, and she probably thought the best way to do that was to hide the letters you sent. Not that any of it matters, now that I have Lon.
He's handsome, charming, successful. He's kind to me, he makes me laugh, and I know he loves me in his own special way...but there's always going to be something missing in our relationship -- the kind of love we had that summer.
Princess of Genovia written by Gina Wendkos, from the novel by Meg Cabot

Mia: Hi, um... hello. I'm Mia. Um, it's stopped raining! I'm really no good at speechmaking. Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away, or sometimes I even get sick.
But you really didn't need to know that... But I'm not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this evening had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne.
And my mother 0helped me, by telling me it was ok, and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself.
And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.
See, if i were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning when I woke up, I was Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forevermore, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia

Mother-Earth Incarnate written by Gigi Levangie, Jessie Nelson, Steven Rogers, Karen Leigh Hopkins, &
Ron Bass
Isabel: I never wanted to be a mom. Well, sharing it with you is one thing, but caring alone the rest of my life, always being compared to you. You're perfect. They worship you. I just don't want to be looking over my shoulder everyday, for twenty years, knowing that someone would have done it right, done it better, the way that I can't.
You're mother-earth incarnate, you ride with Anna, you know every story, every wound, every memory Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you. Every single moment.
Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her Fitting her veil, fluffing her dress. Telling her, no woman has ever looked that beautiful. And my fear is that (pause) she'll be thinking "I wish my mom was here".

While You Were Sleeping written by Fred Lebow & Daniel Sullivan
Lucy: Okay, there are two things that I remember about my childhood. I just don't remember it being this orange. First, I remember being with my dad. He would get these far off looks in his eyes and he would say, 'life doesn't always turn out the way you planned." I just wish I had realized he was talking about my life. But that never stopped us from taking our adventures together. He would pack up our sometimes working car and tell me amazing stories about strange and exotic lands as we headed off to exciting destinations like Milwaukee. It's amazing how exotic Wisconsin.....isn't But my favorite memories are the stories that he'd tell me about my mom. He would take me to the church where they got married and I'd beg him to tell me more about the ceremony and about my crazy uncle Irwin who fell asleep in the macaroni and cheese, and I'd ask my dad when he knew he truly loved my mom and he'd say, "Lucy, your mother gave me a special gift.
She gave me the world." Actually, it was a globe with a light in it but for the romantic that he was, he might have been the world. Well, the first time that I saw him he didn't exactly give me the world. It was a dollar fifty for a train token. I looked forward to it every single day. He started coming to my booth between 8:01 and 8:15 every morning,
Monday through Friday. And he was perfect.....my prince charming. We've never actually spoken, but I know someday that we will. I know it. I know that someday I will find a way to introduce myself and that's going to be perfect, just like my prince.

While You Were Sleeping written by Fred Lebow & Daniel Sullivan
Lucy: I bet you were wondering what I'm doing here in the middle of the night. Well, I thought I should introduce myself. My name is Lucy. Lucy Elenore Moderatz. Umm......I think you should know that your family thinks we're engaged. I've never been engaged before. This is very sudden for me. Umm, what I really came here to tell was that I didn't mean for this to happen. I don't know what to do. If you were awake, I wouldn't be in this mess. Oh God, not that I'm blaming you. I'm sorry. It's just that when I was a kid, I always imagined what I would be like or what I would have when I got older. And you know, it was normal stuff. I'd have a house and a family and things like that. It's not that
I'm complaining or anything, because I do have a cat. I have an apartment. I have a sole possession of a remote control. That's very important. It's just that I've never met anybody that I could laugh with. Do you believe in love at first site? I bet you don't. You're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever seen somebody and you know, that if that person really knew you, they'd dump the perfect model that they were with and realize that you were the one that they wanted to grow old with? Have you ever fallen in love with somebody that you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone that you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?

Wet Hot American Summer written by Michael Showalter & David Wain
Katie: Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this.
Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about dating. I just wanna go out. I just wanna take him and grab him and kiss him, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Dating. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Addams Family Values written by Paul Rudnick, based on characters created by cartoonist Charles
Addams
Debbie: I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won't listen and so I have to use persuasion, and slides. My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they?
All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday, I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie. That's not what I wanted, that's not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate. They had to go. My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants. "Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold." Husband number 2: the senator. He loved his state. He loved his country.
Sorry Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah. Set this! My latest husband. My late, late husband Fester, and his adorable family. You took me in.
You accepted me. But did any of you love me? I mean, really love me? So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache...and shop? Don't I deserve love...and jewelry? Good-bye everybody.
Wish me luck.
The Addams Family: Good luck.

Austin Powers written by Mike Myers
Dr Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When
I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really.
At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named
Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Black Hawk Down written by Ken Nolan, from the book by Mark Bowden
Eversman: I was talking to Blackburn the other day...and he asked me, you know, what changed? Why are we going home? And I said, "Nothing." That's not true, you know. I think everything's changed. I know I've changed. You know, a friend of mine asked me, before I got here, just right when we were all shipping out, he asked me, "Why are you going to fight somebody else's war? What, do you all think you're heroes?" I didn't know what to say at the time, but...if he asked me again, I'd say no. I'd say there's no way in hell. Because nobody asks to be a hero...it just sometimes turns out that way. (he solemnly places his hand on Smith's chest) I'm gonna talk to your ma and pa when I get home, okay?

Boyz N The Hood written by John Singleton
Doughboy: S'up? Yo, cuz. I-I know why you got out of the car last night. You shouldn't have been there in the first place. You don't want that stuff to come back to haunt you... I ain't been up this early in a long time. Turned on the TV this morning. Had this stuff on about -- about livin' in a violent world. Showed all these foreign places...where foreigners live, and all. Started thinkin', man. Either they don't know...don't show...or don't care about what's goin' on in the 'hood. They had all this foreign stuff. They didn't have nothin’ on my brother, man. I ain't got no brother... ...Got no mother neither. She loved that fool more than she loved me.

The Brady Bunch Movie written by Laurice Elehwany, Rick Copp, Bonnie Turner, & Terry Turner, from the characters created by Sherwood Schwartz
Mike Brady: Our house is more important than money. This neighborhood is more important than money. Tell me. How many times have we borrowed each other's power tools or patched up each other's kids? We know so much about each other. I know that every January, Mr. Yeager is going to have that big Super Bowl party at his house. We know that every spring, Mrs. Simmons is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block. We know that at 10:15 every Saturday morning, Mrs. Topping likes to walk through her living room naked. Call me old-fashioned, but these things are important, and they're not for sale. This is our neighborhood, and we're staying.

Clerks written by Kevin Smith
Chewlie's Rep: You're spending what? Twenty, thirty dollars a week on cigarettes....Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay someone that much money every week to kill you? Because that's what you're doing now, by paying for the so-called privilege to smoke! ....It's that kind of mentality that allows this cancer-producing industry to thrive.
Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we actually have to throw hard-earned dollars on a counter and say, "Please, please, Mr. Merchant of
Death, sir; please sell me something that will give me bad breath, stink up my clothes, and fry my lungs. ....Of course it's not that easy to quit; not when you have people like this mindless cretin so happy and willing to sell you nails for your coffin....Now he's going to launch into his rap about how he's just doing his job; following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another bunch of hate mongers that were just following orders; they were called Nazis, and they practically wiped a nation of people from the Earth...just like cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette smoking is the new Holocaust, and those that partake in the practice of smoking or selling the wares that promote it are the Nazis of the
Nineties! He doesn't care how many people die from it! He smiles as you pay for your cancer sticks and says, "Have a nice day."