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Deathandindividualism:JoanDidion's
yearofrupturedthinking
WalkingGrieved:ameditationonlove,
loss&memory
A thesis submitted in fulfillment of the requirements for the Master
of Creative Writing
Massey University (Wellington)
Peter J. Howland
2013
Abstract
In this thesis I explore the contemporary grief memoir, an increasingly popular subset within the
autobiographygenre,andonethatprimarilyconcernsauthors’subjectiverecollectionsandresponses
totheruptureinthefabricoftheirlivescausedbythedeathofanintimateother–typicallyaspouse,
parentorchild.
InmyexegesisIexamineJoanDidion’sgriefmemoir–TheYearofMagicalThinking(2011[2005])–
writtenintheyearfollowingthesuddendeathofherhusbandoffortyyearsandfellowwriter,John
Dunne, and the concurrent serious illness and hospitalisation of their adult daughter, Quintana, in
2004. In particular I analyse how Didion’s memoir addresses the rupturing of her reflexive
individualityandespeciallyherdispositionalorientationandidealizationofanagentic,informedand
progressiveselfaskeycomponentsofherself‐identity.Inmycreativenon‐fictionwriting–Walking
Grieved:amediationoflove,loss&memory – I explore the rupture and my responses occasioned by
thedeathofmywifein2003.Ispecificallyreflectonhowthishasimpactedonmyromantic,familial
andotherself‐identitiesandonmyunderstandingsoftheconstructs(social,historicalandsubjective)
ofintimatelove,dyinganddeath,memory,enduringgrief,electivesocialityandthenarrationsofself
andother.
Contemporarygriefnarrativesrepresentanemergingbodyofliteraryworkandsocio‐psychological
theorizing that contests the ‘denial of death’ (Ariès 2008 [1981]: 559) ethos prevalent in modern
Westernsocieties. Theyalso contest theequally prevalent Freudian model ofpathological griefthat
asserts survivors need to ‘move on’ from grieving to form new intimate attachments, ideally within
months (Dennis 2008; Neimeyer et al 2001). These memoirs represent a contemporary, even post‐
modern,formofarsmoriendiandpromotevariedformsof‘texturedrecovery’(Prodromou2012:57)
that are based on subjective, nuanced and eclectic grieving processes and outcomes. These include
highlypersonalsearchesforunderstandingandcomprehensionofthedeath,ofruptureandgrieving,
andthefashioningofpost‐ruptureidentities,ideas,valuesandpracticesthatfrequentlyincorporate
the deceased and which span a range of themes – restorative, evaluative, interpretive, affirmative,
affective,transformative(Dennis2008).
Asaformofautobiography,griefmemoirsalsoaddressissuesofself‐identityasaseriesofconstantly
evolvingnarrativesorstoriesthatindividualstellaboutthemselvesandwhich,infeedbackloop,both
generateandreflecttheevolvingmodalitiesandethicsofautobiography(Eakin1999,2008).Narrated
self‐identity is always period and socio‐culturally specific. For the middle‐classes and higher social
strata of post‐industrial societies, self‐identity therefore routinely coalesces around the hegemony
andpractices‘reflexiveindividuality’(Beck2002:3)–especiallytheidealsofagentic,knowledgeable,
ii
reflective (self and social) and progressive individuality. Indeed authors of grief memoirs typically
highlight their personal experiences of rupture and loss, and particularly their responses to first
experiencinga‘deathblow’(Rimmon‐Kenan2002:10)followedbyan‘identitycrisis’(Rimmon‐Kenan
2002:10).
Furthermore grief memoirs are subject to the norms and expectations generated within the
‘autobiographical pact’ (Lejeune 1989: 22) that exists between authors and readers. The
autobiographicalpactassertsthatthetext’snarratoristheauthor(orthatanyconnectiontoa‘ghost
writer’isovert);secondly,thatrevelationsabouttheauthor’sidentity,experiences,memories,beliefs,
etcaretruthful;andfinally,thatrecollectionsaretactful,especiallyintermsofrevelationsconcerning
others. Clearly notions of tactfulness are a matter of evolving debate. Moreover, perceptions of
truthfulness are framed within understandings of the limitations, inherent idiosyncratic biases and
the selectiveness or justificatory character of personal memories. Issues of truthfulness are also
framedbystandardsof‘emotionaltruth’(WilliamsquotedinMiller2007:543),inwhichrecollections
of the author are orientated toward producing verifiable, subjective truths that are not directly
contradictedbyhistoricaloragreedfact.
iii
Acknowledgements
Iwarmlyacknowledgetheconstant,proactivesupportandastuteguidanceofmysupervisor,Dr
IngridHorrocks,andlikewisethegenerousinputofmyfellowMCWstudentsandMasseyUniversity’s
Englishlecturersduringtheresidentialcourse.
ToDrSamanthaLentle‐Keenan,Iwarmlythankyouforyourcriticalreadingofearlydraftsofmy
creative,non‐fictionscribblingsandformanyenlighteningdiscussionsondyinganddeath.ToCarla
ReyVasquez,Ithankyouforyoursuperbfriendshipandforyoursupportive,perceptivereadingand
editingofbothmyexegesisandcreativewriting.AndtoCorinnaHowland,Ithankyouforbeinga
wonderfuldaughter,anexemplarysistertoyourbrotherEstlin,andalsoforyourconstructiveand
criticalsupport,readingandeditingofmythesisthroughout.
Mostofall,IacknowledgetheloveandpassionofmylatewifeKaren.Clearlythisworkexistsbecause
ofyouasmylifeandmyenrichment–foryoumydarling.R.I.P.
iv
Contents
Abstract
ii
Acknowledgements
iv
Contents
v
Section1:
Deathandindividualism:JoanDidion'syearofrupturedthinking
1–37
Section2:
WalkingGrieved:amediationonlove,loss&memory
v
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WalkingGrieved:
ameditationonlove,loss&memory
by
peterj.howland
Anintroduction
'The only truth is love beyond reason’ (Alfred de Musset, 1810-1857)
Karenwasalwaysfascinatedbydeath.
Purchasedherurn,whenagedeighteen,inafleamarketintheStatessomewhere.Santa
BarbaraIthink.
IimagineitasawarmSaturdaymorningbyawhitesand,Californiabeachfilledwithwarm
sunandenergizedbythemeasuredvigourofPacificrollers.AyouthfulKarenstrollsalonga
bustlingpromenade,contributingtothespectacleandinspecting,withfestiveappreciation,
themultitudeofstallshawkingMexican,Asianandotherethnicfoodstuffs,dreamyhandicrafts
andjumblingbric‐a‐brac.Shenoticesasecond‐handstallandapairofgaudy,faux‘ancient
Chinese’ceramicvases,whicharehand‐paintedinmutedsplendourwithscenesof
meanderingrivers,springflowers,aristocraticladiesandnoble,fightingwarriors.Oneisa
loungelamp.Theother,withoutitslid,apotentialvase.Kareniseighteenyearsoldand
alreadythinkingahead.Alampforherloungeandamatchingvaseforthesideboard.
Keepsakesforwhenthetimecomes,afterchildren,grandchildren,apeacefuloldage.One,as
heirloomlampinanotherlounge.Theother,withlidsealed,asanurnforherashes.Forher
lover’sashes.Whenthetimeandtheloverareright.Theyarereasonablypriced,although
expensiveasanimpulsepurchaseforayoungwomanonauniversityscholarship.Karen
happilystrikesthebargain.
Inmymind’seyeKarenisallrelaxed,casual,beauty.Allnaïve,untroublingsexuality;thekind
thatyouthsoadroitlyimbibewithoutwhollyknowingorunderstanding.AyoungValerie
Bertinelli.AnevenyoungerNatalieWood.WithadolescenthintsofachirpySallyFieldsdeftly
counteredbyembryonicflashesofanimpassioned,fierySophiaLoren.Allrolledintomyvery
ownCaliforniadream‐girl,albeitanelegantmotheroftwo,soontobefour,whenwefell.
Notthatthisispureimaginary.BythetimewewerefirmlyensconcedandKarenhadtoldme
ofherurn‐buyingexploits,Ihadalreadytakenstockofthephotoofherinherlastyearofhigh
school.PhotographedsomewhereinIndio,asmalltownshiptwenty‐sixmileseastofPalm
Springsandhalfwaybetweenanever‐encroachingLosAngelesandanever‐retiringYuma,
Arizona.Theoriginalwaterre‐fill,sandclean‐out,pointfortheSouthernPacificRailroad,
whichnowlingersonasasatellitetownintheColoradoDesert,SouthCalifornia.
2
Karenisleaningagainstashadingtree,lookingwithashy,youthfulconfidencedirectlyatthe
camera.Wouldhavefallenthentoo,inanotherheartbeat.Karenmadetheworld,me,essential.
StilldoesifItruthfullyremember.IfIclawbacktherelentlesscloakofabsenceanddupeloss.
Butlet’sfaceit;I’mnotevensureifSantaBarbaraisbyabeach.
Sevenyears.
Studied,asanundergrad,withthematriarchofdyinganddeathstudies–DrElisabethKübler‐
Ross–attheUniversityofCalifornia,SantaBarbara.‘Asternbutinsightfulwoman’andtold
megleefullyshehadexcitedlyvisitedthemorgueonherfirstdayofuniversity:‘Justtoseethe
bodies.’
Sixmonths.
Slept,asachild,inherancestors’Latviantraditionassheviewedit,withhermaternalgreat
grandmotherasshelaydying.Slept,alsoaschild,againintradition,withherdyingmaternal
grandmother.Theyoungestwiththeoldest.Newestlifewithlifedeparting.Familialcomrades
atthebeginningandattheend,togetherravellingandunravelling.
Saidtheghostsofherdeadfatherandofherdeadgrandmotherwalkedwithheralways.Even
here,downatthebottomofthecivilworld,thousandsofmilesawayinanotherhome.Andwas
pleasedaghost,female,inhabitedRoseCottage,oursliceofidyllicrespiteintheruralityofthe
SouthWairarapa.NearthebottomofthenorthernisleofNewZealandAotearoawherethe
skiesarealsolarge.Themoonsalsofull.Andthecloudsequallyfilledwithwhitelonging.
Andtwenty‐sixdays.
AndwasworkingonherM.A.thesisinAnthropology.ResearchinghowindividualsinNew
Zealandwithterminalillnessesnegotiatetheirindividualityastheyknowinglydie.Studying
viathecourageousgenerosityofherdyingsubjects,whorangedfromtheprominenttothe
teenage,someofwhomwereinterviewedbyKareninthelastweeksoftheirlives.Karenwas
examininghowtheseindividualsmaintain,enhanceorrelinquishtheirpersonalagencyinthe
manyactsofdying.Intheturnofdeath.Asremembrance.Intheiraspirationsforthe
aftermathwhentheyareforeverreliantonthetrustandgoodwillofthebereaved.
AndwasexaminingherbreastsafterashoweratRoseCottage.AmonthlyvigilKarencarried
outinmemoryofhermaternalgrandmother.Indeferencetohermother.Bothofwhom
contractedbreastcancerwhenagedfortyyearsold.Whenraisingtheirfamilies.Asmothers
andwives.WhenKaren,whodescribedherselfasthe‘postergirlofbreastexamination’,found
thefirstlump.Whenraisingherfamily.Asmotherandwife.Andwhenshefirsttoldme,‘Now
don’tpanic’.Justamonthorsoshyofherfortiethbirthday.
3
Ching,ching,chingthreeinrow,geneticsabrute.Provisionsabeautytoholdinthegoodtimes,
rendersthisdespairtoclingtointhebad.
Aged44yearswhenshedied.
Theultimate‘sevenyearitch’?Theultimate‘goingnative’inbreakingoneofthecardinalrules
ofanthropologythatdemandsresearchersmaintainanalyticalandculturaldistancefromtheir
subjects?Both,perhaps,goodforamelancholicquiportwointheaftermath.Afteralldeath
anddyingarenothumourimmune.1Asanyonewhohasspenttimeinoraroundahospice
knows,thewitisfrequentlyunfettered,seeminglyinopportuneandoftenvery,verydark.
BesidesEstlin,ourson,hascorneredthismarketwiththemorbidlyironicstarsignofCancer.
AndeventhoughIliketopokeandprod,toseehowwealljump,a‘sevenyearitch’quipwould
havegrated.Particularlyasthepassions,intimacies,thetrustthatKarenandIcrafted–contra
topopularstereotypesandcommonpractice–onlyevergrewinscopeandintensity.
EspeciallywhenweknewthatKarenwasending.
Ninety‐onemonthsasbona‐fidelovers.
FromTuesday,July4th1995whenwefirstmadelove.Fromthenonknownas‘Karen’s
IndependenceDay’.UntilMonday,January27th2003whenKarendied.Fromthenonknownas
‘Karen’sAnniversaryDay’.
Notaparticularlyremarkablelengthoftime.Notwhenrealanniversariesaremeasuredin
decades,awardedsilver,goldandplatinum.Whenbothparitieshavetheopportunitytopop
champagneandclinkcrystal.Whateverassembledwell‐wishersmayknoworchooseto
celebrate.
Thenagainwewerenotparticularlyremarkablepeople.Atleastnotinthepublicspheresof
celebrity,notableachievement,civicadulationorinstitutionalacclaim.I’mofaverageheight;
obesebyanybodymassindexyou’dcaretodownload,withpermanentlygreying,curlyhair.
Haveaplayful,thoughnotparticularlystartling,intellect.Andamfartooquicktobeirritated,
angeredbythefrustratinglyminor.Thoughinmydefence,I’mjustasquicktorevelinthe
humanendeavourofgreatminds,music,art,andonwardtothedailymassofvoluntary
kindnessengagedbyindividualseverywhere.Itisthestructuralpaucityoftherational,ofthe
great,ofthekind,inoureverydayroutines,markedastheyarebyloutishexploitationand
stratification,thatIfindsomaddening.
Karentomymind,however,wasallsassybeauty.Smiledwithhereyes,hazel,fleckedgreen
andalwayscookedwithlove.Dressedwithacasualgrace,filledthehousewithfreshlycut
1Seeforexample,Zackheim,V.(ed).(2012).ExitLaughing:HowHumorTakestheStingoutofDeath.
NorthAtlanticBooks,Berkeley.
4
flowers–herarrangementsofwhichshesometimesphotographed–andhadasharp,
pragmaticintellect,acapacityforloveandpassionthatattimeswerefrightening.Notwithout
herfaultsofcourse.Sheadoredchildrenbutdidn’tnecessarilytrustthem.Waswoefullynaïve
inherunderstandingsofthemultiplicityofmotives,calculationsandanxietiesthatpropel
manymen,thoughshehadanacidtonguewhennecessary.Iwasalwaysgladshehadmyback
andfeltsorryforanyonewhocrossedourpaths.Shealsohadalittlesoreatthecrownofher
foreheadthatsheconstantlyworriedandenduredeveninthegoodtimes.
AtKaren’sfuneraloneofourfriendslikenedustotheLadyandtheTramp.Beautyandthe
Beastwouldhavebeenjustasapt.
Notmuch,atfacevalue,toanniversary.
Butnoteworthynonetheless.
Noteworthythatwecraftedalove,atrust,apassionthatexceededallIhadknown.Certainly
morethanIdeserved.ExceededHollywood.OutstrippedmyreadingofKingseyandthe
Johnson’s.GivemelicenceandIwillproclaim,handonheart,thatittranscendedevery
couplinghowevercloseupandpersonal,abstractortangential,Ihaveexperienced.
Recognisingatonce,thatIampotentiallyaverytepid,veryshallowmoverandshaker.That
manyNewZealanders,atleastthoseofmygenerationandolder,areareticentlotwholive
behindcloseddoorsandcurtainedwindows.Whoknowswhattheyenjoyorendure?Yetin
theresultingsilencethejoyousaremuted,theboastfulgrounddown.Andthatingrief,asin
life,weoftencravetoprovetoourselvesandtolisteningothersthatweareloversgrand,
heroicortragic.NotasC.S.Lewisnotes,simply‘privatesinthehugearmyofbereaved,
sloggingalongandmakingthebestofabadjob’.2
Sograntme,leastandlast,thisoneegoism.
NoteworthyalsothatKaren–likemanywhoconfrontapredicteddeath,wholistenintently
andfearfullytothoseinstitutionalvoicesthatwhisperdiagnoses,prognosesoftheterminal,
whoplotandwhoareproddedthroughtothecalculatedendingoftheirlives–displayeda
courageandadignitythatwashumbling.Thatvanquishedandextolledmyvanitiesinthe
sameinstance.
Thisisnostoryofclichédredemption.Nostoryofadversityandtraumaovercome.Made
mercifullyopaque,instructiveasretrospect,byaheart‐warmingtaleofrecoveryandthe
kindnessofstrangers.Karentookillanddied.Diedatamomentinherlifewhenshewas
exhilaratedinloveandsex.Whenshecroonedcontentmentinthemotherhoodofheryoungest
2
C.S.Lewis.(1996[1961]).AGriefObserved,p.46.FaberandFaber,London.
5
children.Andwhenshewasdailyenhancedinherallintellectualandsocialaptitudes(savefor
sporadicestrangementsfromhertwoeldest,teenagechildrenfromapreviousmarriage–we
alwayskeptthedooropeninthehopetheycouldfindthecouragetowalkthrough.Theydid.
Andtheydidn’t).WhileI,formyconceitsandsinswasfoundby,wasimmeasurablyenriched
by,andthenlostmykindredlover.Forever.Iaspirenowtosimplylivewellinlossandin
memory.No,thisisastoryofirreversiblerupture,ofpermanent,gnawinglack,ofneverending
lossandabsence–ofabsoluteandsustainedfailureifyousubscribetothedisciplinesand
anxietiesofthegoodlife.Oflivingfullyandincontext,intheknownfrailtyoflifeanddeath,if
youdon’t.
Karenloathedanothercliché,anotherstereotypicalresponse,thatroutinelysaidshewas
fighting,battlingcancer.Thatherpersonality,herattitude–upordownbeat–oranyother
supposedlyinherentattributeshepossessedwouldsomehowdetermineifshewonorlost.
Thattheseinternalforcescouldsomehowjoinforcestosuccessfullyrepelthemutinous
diseaseinvadingherbody.Wouldinfluencewhethershelivedordied:‘Itisnotafairfight.I
didn’tchoosethisandbesidesIamnotfightingcancer,I’mfightingformylife.’
Andshewon.
Karenlivedwelluntilthemorningshedied.Infactinthelastweekofherlifesheexperienced
severalgastronomicalepiphanies–the‘bestcherries’,the‘juiciestpeaches’andthe‘best
chicken’dinner(bonedandstuffedwithpinenuts,driedapricotsandmascarpone,kindly
cookedbyhereldestAlana’sthenchefboyfriendRob)shehadevereaten.Thiswasanotable
achievementforsomeonewhoseownculinaryfeats(excludingbaking)werelegendaryamong
familyandfriendsandtowhichmywaistlinestillbearstestament.JustasimportantlyKaren
diedasshewanted,atleastintermsofthehanddealt.Fartooearlyforsomeonerealizinggood
inlife,butonhertermsatleast.Atthehospice.Withouthearingherlovedonescryoutinpain
andanguish.Witheleganceandgrace.Witheverydaylifepitchingonasnormal,aspossible.
Andshelost.
‘Sevenyearsandsevenmonths’.Ididn’tknowthisuntilrecently.UntilIlistedmyselfasDr
PeterJ.HowlandonLinkedin.PresentlyemployedasDirector/SeniorResearcheratCritique
AotearoaNewZealandLtd.Previouslyemployed–remarkablyasaDemi‐God(itisquitea
resumēIadmit)–atKarenscontentedsmile.orgfromJuly4,1995toJanuary27,2003.And
bingo.Aspontaneous,unsolicited,institutionalcalculationpopsintomyprofile.Intomy
consciousness.Forever.Sevenyears,nearsevenmonthsasaDemi‐Goduntilmaderedundant.
Surplustocircumstance.Anotherlifetime.EvenforaDemi‐God.
6
Ineverkeptaneyeonourtimetogether.Justconsumedwithverve.Althoughdeath,the
preciseabsencingofKarenthrowsapersistent,siftingpallonmyperceptions.Dullsmy
sanities.Exposesapresent,alifelived,asremembrance.Dustedintheopaque.
Nearingtenyearssince.
Yetinthetimeittakesmetosay‘inananosecond’.Inthetimeittakesmetobegintothink
aboutexpressingthephrase‘inananosecond’(whichismostprobablyamoreaccurate
manifestationofanactualnanosecond),mymindisswirlingwithimages,utterances,
memories,thevoice,touch,smellofKaren.Thetruthisthatthisentiretyofinvocationsnever
leavesme;itismyconstant.Mypresent.Itisforbetterorforworse,whoIam.
Topolishstonesyouneedwaterrunning.Polish.Polish.Andthestonesbegintoshine.Polish.
Polish.Stoneswearthin.Polish.Polish.Stonesandwaterrefineasone.Torememberyouneed
liferunning.Remember.Remember.Andthememoriesbegintosing.Remember.Remember.
Memoriesbegintohum.Remember,Remember.Andthememories,life,rememberingattune.
Becomeaccustomed,routine.
Andcounting…
ButI’mbored.AndIamtired.Wearyandannulled.
Notofthememories.Butwiththeworkofremembering.Ofbeingawidowedhusband,a
widowedlover,awidowedfriend.Boredofpolishing.Oflabouringtoremember,while
publiclyfailingtoforget.Wearywiththehabitofgrief.Withtheroutinescastasmourning,that
veil,managethegriefdaily.Wearyalsoofperpetualabsence,withthemyriad,everyday
provocationsoflack.Athousandunchangingremindersmiredinthebanal.Thememoriesare
nottheproblem.Theystillsustain,liftmeeffortlesslyabovethehumdrum.Theproblemis
withtheworkofremembering.Withpolishing.Withmemoriesthatshinewiththelustreof
habit,withthelustofsolitude.Thelustfulrenderedlurid.
AndIneedtotakehold.Ineedtodescribe,analyse,theorise,philosophise.Tobed,inthe
writingsense,myrememberingandmyforgetting.Towrestle,corralmymemoriesofKaren
intotext.Callanarrativehalttotheiratrophy,totheircapriciousness,totheeffortofgrieving.
Neutermymemories,condensethemintostory,toreachoutahandandrestitupontheease,
thejustificationsofabibliographiccitation.Toboundmymemorieswithinthecomposureofa
quieteningnarrative.Tostop,hopefullythedailytoilofpositioning,explaining,myselfto
myself.Avainhope,Isuspect,especiallyasuntilnowIhavenotapproachedanyofthisas
writer,asethnographeroranthropologist.Ihavenotstudiouslyobserved,takennotes,jotted
downnascentanalysesandcritiques.RatherIsimplylived,thenremembered,thengrievedfor
7
Karen.Asdomillionsofotherswholikewiseplainlyshufflethroughlife,turningnowandthen
tovirtuouslytracetheirfootfallintheburntashes.
Iamalsoattemptingtotakeholdatatimewhenmemories,remembering,recallhaveallhad
badpress.3Psychologists,historians,lifewritersandcommentatingothersalljostletodeclare
thatmemoriesareonlyeverpartial,selective,emotive,fragmented.Nottobetrusted.
Memories,thedisclaimersprotest,speakofcoherencyandintent,whenturmoil,chance,
bricolageshouldbeshoutedfromtherooftops.Memoriesarenotrealityaslived.Arenot
actual.Arefashionedprimarilybytheremembering–bythosewhopersonallyrememberwith
purposeorviaintuition–tocreateimagined,false,idealisedhistories.Paststhatoftenseekto
justify,affirmadesiredpresent,acurrentyou–theonewhoremembers.Theonewhois
forgetting.
Andinthisjustdisparagingofrememberingandrecallweoftenforgetthatmemoryisalways
agiftofpriorexperiencethatgeneratesourpresent.Thattheabruptnessofthecurrent,no
matterhowvibrantandarresting,isalwayssimplytherememberedactedout,sometimesin
dynamism,thoughmostlyviaunconscioushabitandroutine.Allpresents,allnows,areonly
everahair’sbreathfromthepast,fromtheconstraintsandlimitationsofremembering.
Althoughthoseofuswhogrievethedeathofanintimatearecompelled,arepersistently
badgered,intolivingthepresentasapastwithoutfuture.
Wealsoforgetthatallourthoughts,utterances,representations,renditionsofthepresent–
likeallourexpressionsofmemoryandrecall–arealsonecessarilydistancedorabstracted
fromtheimmediacyofaction.Arealwaysonestepbehindtheimmediate,thenow–areaswe
think,utter,speakordepictalreadyonthefirststeptowardbeingapast.Arelikememory–
gap.Nottherealthing,butanabstractedconception,expression,depictionoftherealthing,
yetnot.
Infactthepresentcanbesooverwhelmingandgrandinitsexaltations,initsenergy,nuance
andverveofimmediacy,thatitroutinelyescapesexactingconceptualizationand
representation.Thatallourwordsfail,ourimaginingsflounderandpicturesdonotsuffice.
Similarly,memoriesmayalsobeflaccidechoes,pallidportraitures,stutteringrecallsoflived
experience–albeitpoorcousins,thriceremoved,bythegenealogicalvagariesoftime,
rememberingandtelling.Condemnedtoexistalwaysinthecontrivanceofeulogyandinthe
post‐knowingofnostalgicreflection.
Butlestwenotremember,thepresentisalsocondemnedtoexistinthecontrivancesof
knowing.Allourknowings–whetherpresent,past,remembered,anticipated,imagined,
3Seeforexample,Barclay,C.R.etal(eds).(1988).Truthandaccuracyinautobiographicalmemory.JohnWiley&Sons,
London;Radstone,E.&Schwarz,B.(eds).(2010).Memory:Histories,Theories,Debates.FordhamUniversityPress,New
York.
8
desired–areconstructs,existprimarilyasthestorieswetellourselvesandeachotherand
whichweagreeupon.Intherightfuldisclamationofmemoryandremembering,lifeaslivedin
present,asthenow,asimmediatethoughtandaction,ishoweverfrequentlycastand
privilegedasthereal.Astruthinviolate.Astruthrevealed.Therealthing.I’man
anthropologistandIamsofond,sohabituatedintellingmystudentsthateverythingthey
experience–life,death,memory–ismediated,knownthroughsocialandculturallearning,
thatIforgottolisten.ThatisuntilIstartedtothinkaboutandwritemyrememberingofKaren.
Whatwefirstknowislearnedfromthosepriortous.Fromcaregivers,grandparents,parents
andoldersiblingsinthefirstinstance.Whatwecometoknowisthereforealreadylargely
agreeduponbythosealreadygeneratingandcurrentinsocialandculturallife.Knowingthen
isalwaysadynamicoflearningfrom,andrememberingalongside,others.Fromfamily,in
cohorts,withfriends,aslovers.Incollectiveswecontinuouslyagreeon,createandrecreate
reality.Thetruths,theideal,thedystopic,eventhedisagreementsbetweenus,arefullyour
creations.Andweespeciallyagreeonthosebigcategoriesofmeaning,ofunderstanding,that
underpinmostofourroutineactionsandinteractions.Thuswelearnandconcurthatafoxis
notthemoon.Thatafoxisforhunting.Thatthemoonisforlooking,perhapsfordreamingof
cheesealso.Andwhenwelearnthis.Evenbetterwhenwerememberthis.Learningand
rememberingasinfants,aswesurpasstoddling.Aswetotterontheedgesofsocialand
culturalcompetencies.Aswesecurefootholdsinmatureknowings,inthehabitualcapabilities
ofadulthood.Welearnmoney,mortgages,marriageandthemayhemofidentities–individual,
local,ethnic,national,human.Andunderpinningthesecomplexlearningsarethebasicson
whichweagree.Thusweallsilentlywatchthemoonandshrewdlyhuntthefox.Andeveryone
nods,clapstheirhands,andsaysyes,yes,yes.Andeveryonewatches,everyonehunts,in
union,incommunion,witheachother.Apartbuttogether.
Andwekeepupthiscollectivepretence,thissocialconsensusoftheimaginedandofthe
practised,withsuchalacrityandguilethatitreadilyfeelsnormal,instinctive,likethereal
thing.Rarelyworthourreflection.Rarelywarrantinganycommentatall,exceptfromthose
pointy‐headacademicscloisteredawayfromtherealworldinlaboratories,tutorialsand
lecturetheatres.Ignoretheseannoyingboffintypesandthelivingcomeseasy,comesfreely.
Existsin,existsasunravelledlanguage,asunexaminedstories,thatwepersistentlyspeak,tell
andretell.Existsasaliferichwithknown,sharedandagreedtruths.
Until,thatis,wemeetanidiosyncraticsomeone,encounteravexing,contrarycontext,orbump
intoagroupholdingtodifferenttruths.Until,thatis,somerat‐bagproclaimsthatweshould
watchthefox.Photographthefox.Gawpatallfoxes.Thatweshouldinsteadhuntthemoon.
Buildrocketsandspaceshipsandcarryalargenet.Tocapturethemoon,perhapsevendissect
itorbuildanewhomethere.Until,thatis,someone,somewhere,somehowshootsatthemoon
9
andgazeswistfullyatthefox.Thenweallpleadno,no,no,inunion,incommunion.Together
butapart.
Andforaterrifyingmoment.Ortwo.Hopefullynotthree.Ourknown,ourtruth,ourrealworld
isruptured.Corrupted.Collapsesandexpires.
Butonlyformoment,ortwo.Hopefullynotmore.Forthenoneperson,thentwo,acohort
followedbyacrowd,allstandupandretortwithaccusationsofmadness,foreignness,theend
oftheworldasweknowit.Aswewantit.UntilthatisI,you,we,allquietourcrumpledbrows
andworktogethertoreassertoursharedtruths,oursharedknown.Wemaychooseto
reaffirmourfidelitytotheoldtruthofthefoxandtotheoldtruthofthemoon,opposing
therebytheradicalismofthenew.Orwemaychoosetorunwiththenewandbeginreverently
shootingatthemoonandgazingatfoxes.Eitherway,weresolutelyresumehuntingand
watchinginunion,incommunion.Weagainagreeonthebasics.Togethernotapart.
Foxormoon.Moonorfox.Eitherway,ourworldofalignment,ofconsensus,ofsharedtruths
isreassertedandanyarguments,contestations,disagreementsareonceagainproperly
confinedtotherealmsofopinion,belief,moralityandethics.Totherealmsofthepersonally
heldorthegrouprallied,seeminglyfar,farawayfromourworldofabsolutetruths.Amen.
ShakehandswiththeLittlePrince.Lovetherose.AndrefocusyourtelescopeonPlutoasa
dwarfplanet,formerlytheninthplanetfromtheSun,previouslyunknownuntilFebruary18,
1930–theyearincidentallythatLouisArmstrongbecamethefirstBlackAmericantohosta
nationallybroadcastradioshowintheUSA.
Iamundernoillusions.IlearntKaren.Ilearntherbody,hersex,heremotions,thinking,
values,actions,intimacies,desires.Ilearntherpain.Learntherpleasure.Ilearntnewtruths
andnewfidelities.AndKarenlearntme.Welearntandwefashionedaneachother.Andinthe
processweconstructedourselvesanew.Shiftedconsciousness,practice,expectations,ideals–
someseismically,othersdeftly–toaccommodatetheruptureofeachother.Totellnewstories
unfolding.Firstly,asillicitlovers.Thenaspartners,asparents.AsKaren’sconfidence,passions
andsexualitygrewconsummate.Welearntdailyascolleagues.Karenworkedinthe
anthropologydepartmentasanadministratorandregularlytutoredforme.Shewasmy
soundingboard,myfirstresponsecritic.Welearntasscholars,researchers,writers.Karenwas
theaudiencethatIstrovetoconvince,seduce.Ourvariousprojects,thoughts,notionsquickly
becameaneveryday,collusivefareofunfoldingdiscussion,interrogation,conspiracy.Atthe
university,aroundthediningtable,inbed,wewereunceasing.Recurrentinidentifying,
analysing,progressivelyre‐craftingasymbiosisoftruths–sexual,romantic,intellectual,
familial,selfinother.Everquestingfortheenhancedknowing.
10
Thenwewereforcedtolearnanew.AsKarenfellill.Asshewasdying.Learnttoanticipate
impendingnothingness.Thetruthofendings.Learntofhyper‐intimacy,acuteattachment,life
aspending.ThenKarendied.AndI,thechildren,allwhohadevercared,wereleftaloneto
learnhowtoremember.Tolearnhowtoforget.WithoutKarentoconsult,asenrichment.
WithoutKarenasawarm,responsivetruth.SansKarenascorporealitytoembraceas
touchstone.NomindorbodyfromwhichtogenerateI,muchlessusorwe.Learntoftruth
reducedtothefaithfulatrophyofmemory.Tothesolitarylabourofremembering,the
seclusionofforgetting.
Thedisparitybetweenmemoryandthepresentisnotsimplyduetothesizeofthepassing
time,thegapsinknowing,tellingorexperiencing.Norisitduetothetemporalorthe
experientialimmediacyofthenow.Animmediacythatsooftenrequiresinstantaneous
reactionandresponse,whichinterestinglydismissesthecontemplative,narrativetime
availablewheneveroneispolishingmemories.No,thedisparitybetweenmemoryandthe
presentisalsoamatterofsociality.
Whenmemoriesandrecountingnarrativesaresignificantlysharedtheopportunityexiststo
enrich,embellish,contesteachotherinrecollection.Tocreateacommunityofgrief.A
communityofknown(agreedordisputed)loss.Ofagreedordisputedmemory.Butwhen
memoriesarelefttoexistwithoutsociality,withouttheinsistentconsensus,checksand
balancesofcollectivesocialinteraction,theyinevitablyevolve,expandoratrophyinvoidsof
agreedtruth,intheemptyriftsofdissociationanddetachment.Thisispainfullyevident
wheneverone’smemoriesarespawnedwithinthegnawingabsenceofanintimateother.For
themostpartsuchmemoriesarerecollections,imaginingsofapreviouslyknownandshared
closeness.Experiencedandsharedexclusivelywithoneother;anothernowdeadandnon‐
existent.Alackentireandeternal.
Leftbereft,suchmemoriesinevitablybecomesolitary,isolatingaffairs.Theprimary
referencing,thepolishing,theremembering,issomethingsurvivorsalonearecondemnedto
recreate.Thereisnosociality,nointimateother,nooneelsewhocanverify,nodandsayyes,
yes,yes.Thereisnoonewhocanshakeincertifiabledisagreementandsayno,no,no.Noone
elsewiththefootholdsofexperience,thefingergripsofcertitudetoeithervalidateor
invalidate,enrichordiminish.Theintimatelybereavedarealwaysleftaloneintherawtelling.
Besides,sharingonlyhighlightsthesolitude.Stressesthetruthofoneandhighlightsthegaps,
thefading,theplatitudesofthecrowd.Thoughplaintivecryingintheexileofthepresent,in
theseclusionofmemory,maybebetterthanhavingnovoiceatall.Thewalkinggrieved.
11
Thisthereforeismyremembering,mytruth,mynarrativeofKaren.Justasthechildren–
Alana,Dylan,CorinnaandEstlin–areleftwiththeirrememberings,theirtruths.4Asother
family,friends,acquaintances,andevenadversaries,areleftwiththeirs.Allgeneratinga
personalversionofKaren.Andasindeath,wasinlife.MyexperiencesofKarenarenotthose
ofherchildren,herfriends,herothers.Wemayhavesharedinsimilarorevencommon
experiences–sharingbreakfastfoodsandmorningconversations.Yeteveryonewillhavetheir
ownperspectives,desiresandrecollectionsofwhatoccurredandoftherole,actions,intent,
consequencesthatKarenplayed.Idoubt(pray)nooneelsesawKarenwickedlyproposition
mefromacrossthekitchenwhileIwaschompingonmytoastoracrossthegardenasImowed
thelawns.Thiswassomethingshefrequentlydid,expectingandreceivingresponsesinboth
appreciationandkind.Ifanyonewitnessedtheseintentionallyblasphemousdisplays,they
didn’tsayanything(whatcouldyou?).KarenandI,however,laughedourselvessilly,revelling
inourrunningteaseliketeenagers.
Thisisthenatureofallmemory,life,allexperience.Thenatureofselfandother.They,we,I,
arealwaysdynamicsofthesocial.Arecreatedinthewaysweengageandnegotiateothers.
Howothers–intimates,strangers,civilanduncivilothers–engage,calculateandnegotiateus.
IusedtowakeeverymorningbesideasleepingKarenandthinkI’dwonaprize,thelotteryof
life.Stilldo,onagoodday.AlthoughKarennolongerliessleepingquietlybesideme,every
nowandthenemittingaslightphuhorsigh.Theheavycloaksofgriefandlossarenowmy
constantbedfellowsandIwillinglyliveaschizophrenicexistence–buoyedbytheexaltations
ofknowingagreatpassionandtrust;traumatizedbythecold,certainpurityofendlessloss.
Loveandgrief,theconcurrentorderingofmyeveryday.
Memoriesalsoexistintheethereal.Arereproducedwithoutthenecessity,withoutthe
persistentremindersofmaterialconstraintandenablement.Inmymind’seyeKarenisrarely
bloatedwithavolatilemixoftumoursandsteroids.Hereyesarenotdrained,pale,opaque.She
doesnothobbleinhermovementsandherbreathingisnotlabouredorfearful.Althoughthere
wasatimewhentheonlyimageIcouldmuster,couldimagine(remember?)washorrific,
darklyskeletal.Karenaswitch.Animagedefinitelyatoddswiththephysicalrealitiesofher
cremation.Deprivedofthelife‐bloodofsocialityandmateriality,memoriescanquickly
becomestatic,dead,deadening,enrichingbutrarelyenriched.Reanimatedbutneveranimate.
Responsivetothewhimsofimaginingasatrophy,totheboastingsofembellishment.Although
evenaftertenyears,anunanticipatedsmell,sound,glance–oftentangential,atanangleto
another–andthememoriesimmediatelysharpencapriciouslytocutanddelight.
Karengaveconsiderablethoughtandtimetodraftingherlastwillandtestamentintheyearbeforeherdeath,
explainingtomeherintentonceshehadcompletedthis.Hereldestchildren–DylanandAlana–contestedKaren’s
willintheHighCourtandthenlaterintheCourtofAppeal.BothcourtsupheldKaren’swillinitsentirety.SeeD.A.&
A.L.Huttvs.ThePublicTrust&P.J.Howland.CourtofAppealCIV‐485‐2004‐585.
4
12
Memory,life,thepresent,thepast,alsopersevereasstories.Asbeguiling,bewitching,
confusingtalesthatwemurmur,sometimesshout,toourselves,atlisteningothers.Talesthat
werevealtointimates,thatweperformforstrangers.Fullofcraftedpurpose,aspirationand
justification.Narratives,thatlikememory,frequentlyseektosilencethechaotic,thepartial,
themalformed,replacingthiswiththecoherent,rationalandcomprehensible.Andwhichcast
ouridentitiesasfathers,lovers,individualastellinglyrealandworthwhile.
Asisthecaseofthisbook;IknowinglyperformaselfthroughwhatIchoosetonarrateasmy
storyofrememberingKaren–andjustasimportantlythroughwhatIamcapableofskill‐wise
andwhatIfeelImustaudience‐wise.Andwedon’tjustnarrate,butcontinuallyre‐narrate.The
me,theKaren,theusthatIthink,utter,narrateatthisverymomentwasnotthesameasI
thought,uttered,narratedlastyear,lastweek,yesterday.Norwillitbetheme,Karen,theusI
narratenextyear.Wecreateandrecreatecontinually.Arealwaysensnaredwithinaperpetual
processofbecoming,withintheevolvingebbsandflows,thesocialfluxoftelling,of
performingselftoothers,aswevariablyperceivethem.Permanentlynegotiatingthegaps,the
mutualityandunmutuality,thatunderpinsallsocialrelations.Inshifting–sometimessubtle
orincremental,atothertimesdramaticandradical–socialperformancesthatothersaccept,
embrace,queryorreject,sometimeswithinthesamebreath.Inotherwords,wearewhatwe
makeofothersmakingusmakingthem…oratleastwearewhatwearepreparedtotelleach
otherofthismaking.
Theflipsideofnarratingaselfisclearlynarratinganother.Ourperceptionsofotherstypically
existascaricature,asarepresentationsthatforegroundcertaincharacteristicsandoverlook
others,evermoresowhenasignificantgapsuchaseternalabsencecharacterisesour
interactions.AsC.S.Lewisputsit:‘Talkingandactingnottothemanhimselfbuttothepicture
–almosttheprécis–we’vemadeofhiminourownminds?Andhehastodepartfromitwidely
beforeweevennoticethefact.Inreallife–that’sonewayitdiffersfromnovels–hiswords
andactsare,ifweobserveclosely,hardlyeverquite‘incharacter’,thatisinwhatwecallhis
character.Thereisalwaysacardinhishandwedidn’tknowabout’.5
Inmemory,narration,insporadic,shallowortheabsenceofanysocialityatall,thepotential–
asoneanthropologisthasdescribed–tobe‘radicallywrongaboutoneanother,orwonderfully
empathicandunderstanding,orprejudiced,ordownrightstupid’6areexponentiallyincreased.
Whiletheinversecapacityforsocialconsensus,forcollectivelylivedouttruths,are
diminished.Intimacywithanotherexiststhereforewheneverthegapsbetween
representation,narrationandexperiencearesignificantlylessened.Loveofanotherexists
5
Lewis,C.S.ibid,p.57.
6Toren,C.(1999).CompassionforOneAnother:ConstitutingKinshipasIntentionalityinFiji,p.136.Journalofthe
RoyalAnthropologicalInstitute5(2):265–280.
13
whenevertheintrinsicgapsofselfandotherareknownandcherished.Whilememoryofa
lost,intimatelovecanonlyeverbeawideninggap,aperpetualriftingtonowheresoon.
Karenlivedforforty‐fouryearsandthendiedfromsecondaryormetastasisedbreastcancer.
BornOctober21st1958inPortTownsend,JeffersonCounty,Washington,US.A.andnamed
KarenFrancesNeele.DiedJanuary27th2003intheMaryPotterHospice,Newtown,
Wellington,NewZealand,stillnamedKarenFrancesNeele.Anarbitrary,illogicalnumberof
yearsthatencompassandobscurealifetime,defineadeath.Probablyseveral.Sowhynot?
Whynotforty‐fourrememberings,reflections,storiesandrantsinspiredbyKaren,inamagpie
homagetoeverylover,toallbereaved,toanyonewhoknowinglyawaitsdeath–theirown,or
thosecloseby.Whynotacapriciouslyirrational,essentiallywhimsicalnumberoffragmented,
partial,selective,clustered,jumbled,swirlingeddiesofthought,recallandnarrationthatmark
myunderstandingsoflifeanddeath.Arbitraryyetfinite.Inthissenseopposedtothe
perpetuallyofrememberingandforgetting.Arbitraryyetteemingwiththecoherency,
meaningmaking,thenarrativerhythmsofarticulatedmemory,oftoldandtellingselves.
RememberingsandutteringswrittenmostlyasIlivethem.Ididnotkeepadiaryorwritefield
notesofmedicalprocedures,socialencountersorpersonalresponsesatmomentousoreven
banalmoments.ThoughIamassistedbythefewofficialdocumentssuchasdeath,birth
certificatesandnewspaperclippingsthatarescatteredaroundthehouseandhaveobtained
Karen’smedicalrecordstopresentasaninstitutionalbiographyofillnessanddeath.Iamalso
assistedbymyrecentreadingofthegrief,deathandlovenarrativesofDidion,Barnes,Barthes
andLewis7inaquesttofind‘myliteraryvoice’.Worksthathaveattimesprompted,evoked,
harassedmycore.Assistedalsobymyreading,research,teaching,experienceinanthropology,
sociologyandhistory.Althoughthisisnotascholarlyworkandreadersshouldnotexpecta
revieworevencriticalengagementwithdeathstudiesintheseareas.
InrealitythisisatextaboutmesignifiedthroughmyscribblingsofarecalledKaren(ifonly),
ourrelationship,herillness,deathandtheaftermath.Itisaboutmytellingofadouble‐helix
existence,oflivingconcurrentlyinthetranscendenceofloveandintheordealofloss.Toldin
thenowquinarygapthatexistsbetweenmyself,Karen,experience,narrativeandmemory,
whichisequallyapoor,evenpathetic,substitutefortherealthing.AsC.S.Lewisagain
cogentlynotes:‘Theearthlybeloved,eveninthislife,incessantlytriumphsoveryourmere
ideaofher.’8Acoldcomfortwillinglyembracedwhenmemoriesofanotherareallthatremain.
7Barnes,J.(2009).NothingToBeFrightenedOf.VintageBooks,London;Barthes,R.(2002[1977]).ALover’sDiscourse:
Fragments.Trans.R.Howard.VintageBooks,London;Didion,J.(2011[2005]).AYearofMagicalThinking.Fourth
Estate,London;Lewis,C.S.(1996[1961]).AGriefObserved.FaberandFaber,London.
8
Lewis,C.S.ibid,p.56.
14
IhavewrittenwithacandourthatreflectstherelationshipthatKarenandIpurposefully
craftedandknowinglysustained.WrittenalsowithapragmatismthatreflectsthatIusedtobe
ajournalist;amtiredofprotractedlegalproceedings;andthatKarenchargedmewith
stewardshipofafamilyhome.Andwithadisciplinednodtowardthecontemporaryprotocols
andethicsofcivilrepresentation.JulianBarnesargueswritersshouldwriteasthoughtheir
parentsaredead,9thoughIprefertowriteasthoughmychildrenCorinnaandEstlinarealive
(whichwonderfullytheyare).Ihavesomeresponsibility,haveplayedsomesmallpartinthe
formationoftheiranalyticalandmoralsensibilities,whileIcanmakenosimilarclaimonmy
parents.BesidesthebookisprimarilywrittenwithCorinnaandEstlininmind,sotheymight
recalltheirfatherrecallingtheirmotherinrequiem.AndgiventhecaringofKaren,itisdone
alsointhehopethatmynaïveeffortswillresonateinsomewaywithanywhohaveloved,are
facinganendingorwhoarebereaved,withallwhodailylabourtoremember,forget,stay
close.Atellingrepletewithalltheerrors,omissionsandcompletemisrememberingthatany
recital,allmemory,alllifeanddeathnecessarilyentail.
9
Barnes,J.ibid,p.109.
15
1.
‘It’snottimeyet…’
Karenliftedherleftarm,heavy,swollenandputitcomfortinglyaroundmyshoulders.
Iwipedmytears.Putmyarmaroundherwaist.
Karensmiledweaklyandclosedhereyes.
Wewaited.
IsatnexttoKarenonthefold‐outcouchthathadbeenherbedforthepastfiveorsodays.Ever
sinceitbecameapparentthatherbreathingwasincreasinglylabored.Herbodywasbloating
withthefluidsemittingfromapuissantconcoctionoftumors,steroidsandmorphine.That
climbingupanddownthemanystairsthatwindthroughthecenterofourDrSeusshomewas
nolongeranoption.
Asquatbeigeoxygenmachinechuggedaway,uniformlyreassuringandforebodinginits
constancy,inthelife‐affirming,clearplastictubingthatsnakesacrossthefloor,inthenasal
prongsintruding,thenasalprongsmasking.Thehomenursedeliveredthismedicalcuboida
weekagoasKaren’sbreathinghadbecomeincreasinglyanxious.Positioningitinthesecond
loungemeantthatKarenwasnevermorethaneightstairsfromatoilet,fromthekitchenand
diningroom,fromthefirstloungewiththetelevisionandcomputer.Fromthedailylivingcore
ofourhome.
Separatedfromthenightofbedrooms.Fromtheoutsideworld.Bynowsubstantial,narrow,
contrarystairwellsofthirteenormoresteps.Downorupdependingonthewalker’sintent.
ThoughforKarentherewasnoescapeeitherway.
IhastilyerectedrailsandcurtainstoensureKarensomeprivacy.Shelteralsofromthebright
summersunthatrushedthroughthelargepicturewindowinthemorning.Fromtheopaque
glowthatstoleinatduskwiththenocturnalcloakingfromWellingtoncityhustlingfarbelow.
Karenwassittingonthesideoffold‐outcouch.Herdyingbedinthelivingroom.Fadingin.
Fadingout.Labouringwithbreathinganxious.Refusingtherequestsofotherstolidown,to
rest.Karenhadlongbeendisturbedbyastoryofawomanofsimilarage.Besetbyasimilar
illness.Thathadoverwhelmedher.ThatwasnowoverwhelmingKaren.Aggressivebreast
cancer.One.Metastasis.Two.Invasive.Three.Terminal.Ching,ching,ching,lemonsinarow.A
narrativefirstencounteredwhenshewasfitandwell.Whenenthusiasticinthe‘lit.review’
stageofherresearchintotheagencyofindividualswithterminalillness.Whenresearchgoals
couldwillfullyexemptthecompulsions,thenecessaryphysical,biologicalregimesofa
pathologicaldeathpending.Framethemasnegotiationstobeengagedaspragmatically,as
reflexively,aspossiblebythedyingindividual.Indesire.Aspersonallyable.
16
Karenwastroubledinthelingeringbyastorylineofintimatesorrows,falseendings,bythe
fearofrepeatingthesame‘mistakes’ofthedyingwoman.Thiswoman.Thewomanwhohad
wishedtodieathome.Shehadlaininabedroomsurroundedbyfamilyandfriends.Shehadlet
outasighandhadstoppedbreathing.Ahusband.Thehusband.Herhusbandwhowascradling
hisdyingwifecalledout.‘She’sgone!’orsomeothersimilarlydesolatelament.Andthe
assembledcrowdoffamilyandfriendsgaspedasone.Somebegantocry.Tosob.Acollective
dirgethatrousedthedyingwoman.Thatwoman.Whoopenedhereyes,stretchedoutanarm
tohercryingcrowdandattemptedtoliftupherfrailbodyinreassurance.
Thehusband.HerHusband.Onseeinghiswife’sdistressimmediatelymovedtocomfort.Her.
Everyone.Toldhiswifethatititwasoktoletgo.Thateveryone,assembledandgrievedwould
beokintheaftermath.Consoledhersothatthewomen.Hiswife.Couldrelaxanddiein
silence,withgaspingandbreathingabated.
Karenwastroubledinthisstorylongbeforeshebecameillandthen,asherprognosisturned
terminal,itbecameacornerstoneofherstaunchdesiretodieinthehospice.Assumedthe
mantleofaguidingparable,whichincontraryaspirationprovisionedanendingtobeavoided
inKaren’sreal.Acautionarytoliveasnormallyaspossible,foraslongaspossible,athome.To
thendieinahospiceinsilencetothelamentofdeparture.Surroundedbyherchildren.Byher
husband.Byherfamily.Inmutepause.
‘Idon’twantourhometobetheplaceofmydeath…notforthechildrenastheygrowup.Not
foryou.’
AsmuchasKarenangeredatthecancer.Fearedtheunknown.Grievedinwaiting,foralifeshe
wasobligedtoforgo.Forthefulllossofherchildren,herhusband,herpassionsandlove.And
asmuchasshegrievedatbeingcompelledtostepawayfromguiding,witnessing,her
youngest,Estlin,growintoaloverandconscienceinhisownright;Karenentirelydespairedat
thepainherdying,herdeath,wouldcauseintheimmediate.Toherchildren,toherhusband.
Karen,accordingly,didnotwanttosee.Didnotwanttohear.Ourhurt,ourlaments.Asshe
died.Asshewasforcedtoletgo.
Karenhadbeenfadinginandoutforacoupleofdays.Closinghereyesandintermittently
sleeping.AtfirstIfoundthisdisconcerting,disorientating.Itthrewme.MylifewithKarenhad
alwaysbeenfilledwithinsistenttalk.Withherquick‐fireresponses,herconstant,uncanny
abilitytosumwholesituations,theactionsrequiredtoenhanceorrectify,inoneortwo
succinctproclamations.DeliveredtypicallywhileIwasstillwaffling.Stillattemptingto
identify,articulate,analysethe‘Fourteenkeypoints’(asKarenusedtolaughinginglydescribe
them),contributingvariables,alternativeperspectives,speculativeconsequences,andsoon.
17
ThatKarenwasmuting.Fadingoutandawaymid‐sentence,mineandhers.WassomethingI
hadnotanticipated.Hadnotplotted.Anon‐Karen,existingaslack.Presentasabsence,before
theaftermath,priortosansKaren.Anendingincomplete,straggling.MuteKarenthrewme.
Dislocatedmysenseofself,us,Karen.ThrewmeuntilIrealizedKaren’sheart,lungs,her
physicalselfhood,werebeingforcedtoworkeverhardertosustainlifeinabody
overwhelmedwithtumors.Inabodybloatedwiththesuccessivefluidsoftumorouscancer
andofprolonged,heavysteroiduse.Thatintheregressivedeprivationofoxygentransmuted
aslife‐blood,Karenwasbeingintermittentlydeniedtalkasexistence.
UntilIrealizedKarenwasstillKarenlistening.ThatifIdemonstratedpatienceandwaiteda
moment.Ortwo.Three.Ourconversationswouldresumewithoutacknowledgement,any
indication,ofpause.WithoutKarenhavinganawareness,aconsciousness,ofherbroken
attendance.
‘DidI?’shesaidwithvoicerichwiththewarmhazeofwakingwhenItoldherthatshehad
fallenasleepmid‐sentence.
‘Areyousure?Orwereyoujustnotlisteningwellenough?’shesmiled.
UntilIchangedorientationtoembraceKarenpassingin,notfrom,time.Asslippage.Accepted
fragmentationasthewholestory,unfoldinginlapse.
IwasexplainingtoourdaughterCorinna,whohadpulledupachairfacingus,whathad
happenedduringthemorning.WhywewerenowwaitingfortheambulancetotakeKarento
MaryPotterHospiceinNewtown.
IwassittingnexttoKarenonhermakeshiftbed.Shehadmomentarilyfadedoutandhadbeen
refusingthenurse’s,others’,beheststoliedown.Torest.Ididn’taskasIknew.Knewthat
Karenwasafraidshewouldbeunabletogetbackup.Afraidthatshewouldbephysically
entrapped,forcedtodieathome.Inplacebutoutsideintent.
IwasexplainingtoourdaughterCorinna,whohadpulledupachairfacingus,whathad
happenedduringthemorningwhenIstartedtocry.Tosob.
Karenawokeimmediately.Turnedtowardmeandfixedmewithalookofloveanddying.Her
eyeswatery,blanchedofcolour,wearyalthoughemboldenedwithresolve.Sheliftedher
bloated,heavyarmandhuggedmearoundmyshoulders.
‘It’snottimeyet…Youhavetobecalmandyouhavetobestrong.’
Hergazewasunwavering.Istoppedcrying.Iputmyarmaroundherwaist.Karenclosedher
eyes.Wewaited.
18
2.
Fivepasttwo.
Walkedintothelarge,brick‐linedMacLaurinlecturetheatrewheretwohundredorso,
chatteringfirst‐yearstudents,satexpectantandfresh.NotwhollycognizantofwhereIwasor
whatIwasdoing.
StoodbehindthelecternandlookeduptowhereKarenhadoftensatlistening,sometimes
smiling.Mytutor,mylover,asI‘turnediton’,attemptingtoseducehertimeandagainwith
whatpassesformyintellect,rhetoric,charm.
LookedandthoughtwhatamIdoinghere?WhothefuckamIwithoutKaren?Triedto
rememberatimewhenIwasanacademicbeforeKaren.
Foundnothing.
Thefirstyearsknewnothingofthisinnerdialogue,althoughtheybegantoquietenasI
continuedtostareat,thenbeyond,theplacewhereKarenoftensat.Mytutor.Mylover.Tried
tofindmybearings.Tolocatethetheatre,thestudents,mylecture.
Thelecturetheatrefellcompletelysilent.
Iwaitedamoment,gatheredmyselfandthenlaunched.
‘IamyourAnth101lecturerandfourweeksagomywifedied.’
Feltmyselfstartingtochokeup,butthatwasn’tfair.Theywerejustbabiesbycomparison.I
marshalled,thenploughedon.
‘MynameisPeterandIdon’twantyoursympathy.’
Anothergatheringpause.
‘WhatIwantyou…WhatIwantisforyoutoknowthatanthropologyisaboutlifeasI,you,
others,othersthatweknowandothersthatwewillnevermeet,otherswholivedlongagoand
otherswholivefaraway,chooseandareforcedtomakeit.
Itisabouthowwelove,howwedie,howwegrieve,howwethink,howwefeel,howweact
andhowweinteractinallourrichness,complexityandabsurdity,inallourpositivesandall
itsnegatives.
Itisaboutlife,deathandeverythingin‐between,andforsomecultures,alsoseeminglybeyond
intherealmsofancestors,ghostsanddeities.
Anthropologythenisthestudyofeverythinghuman…’
19
AtleastthatiswhatIhopedIsaid.
3.
(ExtractsfromKaren’sdraftM.A.thesis:‘TRANSITIONALAGENCY’TOTHEGRAVEAND
BEYOND,(1996),unpub.)
NARRATIVESOFDYING
Introduction
“Thewholepointofliving…istofindthespark…ifyoufoundthespark,itwasn’tananswer…
it meant meaning was here…The meaning wasn’t that I was going to die, but that I was still
alive…Iplaythepropermusic…anditissosad,anditisaboutthedying,anditmakesmeso
clear.”(SpoonfaceSteinberg,NZRadio,1998)
SpoonfaceSteinberg,ayoungautisticgirlconversescandidlyaboutherimpendingdeathwhile
thehauntingmusicwrittentocommemoratetheextinctionofsixmillionJews(Gorecki,
SymphonyNo.3Opus36:1976)playsinthebackground.Juxtaposingtheindividualwiththe
massesreflectingthetranscendenceofhumanityandexploringthequestionsaboutthe
meaningsoflifewhendeathisimminent.
InthisthesisIexplorethequestionofhowindividualsnegotiatelifeanddeathtransitions.
Whysomepeopletodaywhentheyknowthattheirliveswillendwithinthe“near”future
attempttotakecontroloftheprocessofdying,thecelebrationoftheirdeathandfinallyhow
theywillberememberedaftertheirdeath.Myresearchfocusesonhowindividualsare
empoweredtoexpresstheirpersonalityinlifeanddeathtransitions.
Iaminterestedinthisaspectandtimeoflifebecauseasanonlychildinalargeextended
familyofelderly,immigrant,Latvian,atheist,communistsgrowingupin1960’sAmericaour
familytalkedaboutdeathanddyingtoagreatdegree.Anincredibleamountofpowerwas
giventothefamilymemberwhowasthemostagedandconsideredthe‘nexttodie’.
Conversationsaboutpossessionstobebequeathedwereseriousagendasandaftera
wonderfulfamilyfeastthestickers/tagswouldbebroughtoutinorderforfamilymembersto
staketheirclaimstofavoriteheirlooms.Controversysurroundedeverytagandtheraucous
displayofwhowasgettingwhatalwaysseemedanexcitingpartofvisitingtome.AsIgot
older,thepoweroftheseagedanddyingrelativesbecamemoreapparentinmylifeoften
makingitexplicitlyknownthattheydesiredyoutobehaveinacertainway.Forexample,
learningamusicalinstrument,attaininggoodgradesandlivingclosetohomebecauseyour
relationshipwastenuousbecausetheywouldsoonbedead.Oftenthesewisheswouldbe
grantedquitegraciously,butovertimeIbecamemorecircumspectassometimesthosewho
were‘next‐in‐line’lingeredwhileothersclearlynotevenbeginningtoqueueunexpectedly
died.
20
SubsequentlyasastudentofanthropologyInoticedthatthemajorityofresearchsurrounding
thetopicofdeathanddyingfocusedonhowsocietycopeswithdeathintermsofthegrieving
individual,butverylittleresearchexistedaboutthedyingindividualandtheprocessofdying
fromtheirperspective.Anthropologicalstudiesofdeathhavefocusedexclusivelyonthe
social,fromcommunaltouniversal,responsestodeath.
“Whenreadingthroughtheanthropologicalliteratureinonelargesweep,oneisleftwiththe
impressionofcoolnessandremoteness.Thefocusisonthebereavedandonthecorpse,but
neveronthedying”.
(Palgi&Abramovitch,1984:385)
Ialsobecameincreasinglyawareofaninterestindeathoverrecentyearsinthemassmedia,
popularliterature,andvariousorganisationsthatdealwithdeathanddyingsuchashospitals,
hospices, funeral homes, incorporating as well religious leaders, secular celebrants and
euthanasia advocates. In part this is because of the improvements made by the medical
professiontohumanisedyingbecauseofgreatermedicaladvancesinprognosisandpalliative
care.Howeverthereisalsoanincorporationofthepost‐modernidealofthe‘sacred’individual
andthepersonal‘gooddeath’(Walter:1993:265).
PersonallyIhaveencounteredmanydyingindividualsthatwishtotalkabouttheirexperience
of coming to terms with dying and contemplating how they will live the rest of their life. It
seems that the inherent 'taboo' or concept of 'morbidity' deems that Western society in
particularfinddiscussingdeathanddyingdifficult.Ibelievethatthisstemsfromfear,thefear
of the loss of oneself, the loss of others, the pain, the unknown and saying goodbye. My
researchisanethnographicstudyoftheNewZealanddyingindividual…
It is an important element in this thesis that my ethnographic descriptions focus on the
emotionsoftheindividualandhowtheyactivelyproceedwiththeirliveswhentheyknowthey
aredying.Tocategoriseadyingindividualwithinstrictboundarieswouldcreateamodelof
routine rather than illustrate that there is a menu to be selected from which enables a wide
variationofexpressionandcreativity…
InmyresearchIhavefoundthatthedyingwishtotalkabouttheirexperiencesasthisisatime
where they reflect upon their lives lived and yet still contemplate and negotiate the rest of
theirlifewhichincorporateshowtheirdyingshouldproceed.Amajorfactorinthisdesireto
“talk”isthesocial‘isolation’experiencedbythedyingwhichisacommonfeatureinwaiting
for death. This is similar to the social isolation experienced during a non–life threatening
illness, but magnified immensely because of the ambiguity of prognosis’ and the taboo
surroundingdeathanddying,“…itwasassumedthatdyingwasthelastthingadyingperson
wouldwanttotalkabout”(Kastenbaum:1991:79).
21
Manydyingindividualsarepreoccupiedwiththephysicaltoilofdying,howeverthisisoften
veryclosetotheactualevent.Dyingindividualscanalsobecomedetachedcontemplatingtheir
death, but for the most part my research has shown that the dying are articulate in their
contestment of being treated as alive until the time they have died. Field (1989:147) found
thatoftenterminallyillpatientswereneglectedas‘persons’andtreatedaspassivereceiversof
expert care. Similarly in my research I found that my dying informants were also socially
beingtreatedasthe“cancer”personor“howlonghaveyougot”ratherthanapersonintheir
ownright,thepersontheywerebeforetheywere‘dying’…
4.
‘Death’safailure’.
That’showtheoncologistresponded.AmedicalmantraalmostblurtedoutwhenKarenspoke
ofherresearchintotheagencyofterminalindividuals.Spokealsoofherrapidlydeveloping
perspectivethatlivingagoodlife,andequallyhavingagooddeath,werethemeasureofa
worthwhileexistence.LifeanddeathasgoodwasTHEgoal.
ItwasAugust1999andweweresittingintheconsultants’officeatKenepuruHospitalasshe
informedusthatthelumpthatKarenhadfoundwhenself‐examiningintheshower;thelump
thatourlocalG.P.hadinsistedwasacystformedmostprobablyduringorafterKaren’sbreast‐
feedingofEstlinwhowasbornthreeyearsearlier;thelumpthatKaren,whohadsuspected
breastcancerbasedonthefacthermotherandgrandmotherhadcontractedthediseaseatthe
sameageofforty–andnothavingagreatdealoffaithintheGP’sinitialassessment(hetook
sneakysmokesoutsidehissurgeryandworetightwaistcoats)–hadprivatelybiopsied;was
cancerous,‘small’,lessthan2cminsize,andcouldbetreatedwithalumpectomyand
radiotherapy.
‘Notamastectomythen?’Kareninquired.
‘No,atthisstagealumpectomyandradiotherapyaretherecommendedcourseoftreatment.’
Karenwentinsearchofanothersecondopinion.Contacted,online,aspecialistintheStates
andexplainedherhistory.Explainedhermother’sandhergrandmother’scancer,theirelective
mastectomies,theirsurvivaltooldage.Thelocaldiagnosis,thelocaltreatments,were
confirmedasoptimal.YetKarenwasunderstandablyvigilant.
‘I’mthepostergirlforbreastexamination–littlegoodthatit’sdoneme,’Karentoldmein
2001whenshereceivedthediagnosisthatthecancerhadreturned.Thatamastectomyand
chemotherapywerethenextcabsofftheranksofrecommendedtreatments.Karenwentin
searchofanothertransnationalopinion,whichlikethefirstconfirmedthelocalspecialists’
diagnosesandtreatmentplans.
‘Nowdon’tpanic…’Karentoldme‘…thereisnoneedtocomehome.’
22
ItwasearlyJanuary2002.IhadjustsettledintomyofficeatVictoriaUniversitywhenKaren
phoned.Myfirstmorningofanewlecturingcontract;joyedbythewarmsummerweather,by
thecheeryremnantsofawonderfulChristmas.Alsobythe‘fact’thatKaren’slatestchemo
treatmentappearedtobeworking,hadreducedthesizeofthetumoursinKaren’ssurviving
leftbreastandunderherleftarmpittothepointwheretheywerealmostundetectableto
touch.
ToKaren’sandherconsultingdoctor’stouchthatis,asIcouldnotrespondtoKaren’slively
invitations‘tohaveafeel’.Tocaressherbreast,herscars,yes,buttoknowinglysearch,under
herskin,toseekoutandfingerthosehard,invasivemarblesofdiseaseanddestructionwas
onesteptoofarforme.BycontrastKarenalmostcheerfullyfoundthelumps,rollingthem
underandonherfingertips.Buoyantespeciallywhenthelumpsbecamemoredifficultforher
tofind,harderforhertodiscernposition,size,mass.Positiveinthewaningthatourlives
appearedtobetippingtowardbalanceagain.
AlthoughIhadsurprisedmyselfinoneregard,albeitnotinaconsciousway.Notinthewayof
thankingGod,thestars,thefoxandthemoon,formercifullyovercomingapreviouslyheldfear
ortrepidation.ButratherinhowIalmostprimitivelyrespondedtomyone‐breastedbeauty
withlustanddesirethatwasunchecked,unfettered.Aboisteroussexualcravingthatwasonly
eclipsedbyanequallystrongprotectiveinstincttotranscendthedeeppurplescars,thedark
slashingwounds,whichnowpuncturedtherightsideofKaren’schest.WorriedbrieflythatI
mighthaveafetishforsurgicallydisfiguredwoman,butthenIshruggedandrememberedthat
itwasKarenfully,Karenasperson,asloverandfriendwhocontinuedtoarousemydevotions.
Andbesides,whatifIdid?
‘Nowdon’tpanic,butthecancerhasreturned.’
IsaidIwouldbehomeimmediately.
‘No,thereisnoneedtocomehome,stayatwork.Iwillbealright.’
Karenstartedtocry.Myofficebegantoswirl,contract,dissolve.Aflooding,emptyinganxiety
mademeweakandunsteady.Igrabbedmywallet,mykeysandstumbledoutthedoor.Our
worldcollapsinginwardagain.
‘WasItoovain?’Karenenquiredofmeshortlyaftershehadbeeninformedhercancerwas
terminal,terminating,invasivetothepointofvoid.Alifeforceending.
Karen’smother,Mary,hadelectedtohaveadoublemastectomyandshewassoontooutlive
heronlychild.Hergrandmotherhadadoublemastectomyandhadlivedintohereighties.
23
‘WasItoovain?ShouldIhavechosentohaveamastectomy,evenadoublemastectomyasa
firstresponse?’
ItoldKarenallIcould.Thatshehadbeendiligent,thepostergirlforbreastexamination;that
shehadfollowedprescribedcoursesoftreatment;hadreceivedbothgoodcareandmediocre;
thatperhapsaneworexperimentaldrugwouldbedeveloped;perhapsshecouldgetintoan
experimentaltrialintheStates;wecouldsellthehouse;thatweshouldn’tgiveuphope;thatI
lovedandlustedforherwithtwobreastsandwithone.ThatIwouldalwaysloveher.
ByKaren’sreckoning.Drawnfromdiscussionswithherdoctors.Fromreadingabouther
disease.Fromtalesofotherwomenwithsimilarconditions.Shehad‘atleasttwoyears’.
Shegotoneandabit.
5.
IntheyearbeforeKarendiedwetalkedopenlyabouthowthiscouldbe,ifnotthelast,then
mostprobablythepenultimateChristmaswewouldenjoytogether.
ChristmaswasimportanttoKaren.InJanuaryshewouldbeginhersearchforsuitablepresents
forfamilyandfriends,aprotocolthatcontinuedforthenextelevenmonths.Shewouldalso
startcollectingcardboardboxesofvarioussizesinwhichpresentswouldbeplaced,before
beingmeticulouslywrappedingoldpaper,decoratedwithvariouscolouredbowsandthen
positionedingeometricsplendourunderanequallyelaborateChristmastree.Thetreealways
lookedasifithadbeenliftedpristinefromthepagesofaSearscatalogueoralternativelyfrom
Kirkcaldie&Stains’Christmasstore(whichknowingKarenitmaywellhavebeen).InJanuary
KarenwouldalsoindulgeinherannualritualofpurchasinganewChristmastreedecoration,
expensivebutonsale,beforerepeatingthissacramentintheKirk’ssalewhenbuyingnew
linenandtowelsfortheyear.
WithKaren’sdeathpending,themotivationtobegenerouswaspronounced.Asidefromthe
frivolityofhand‐madechocolatesandsummerreadingbooks,IgaveKarenabeautiful,
peacock‐coloured,texturedglassvasebyKoda,commentingthataftershediedIwouldusethe
vasetohonourhermemorywithfreshflowers–mightevenbuildanewhousearoundan
entrancefoyerthatwouldshowoffthevasesittingonhergreatgrandmother’sroundside
table.EstlinandCorinnagaveheranItalianoillampthattheysaidtheywouldlightin
remembrance.
NordidKarenshyfromacknowledgingherapproachingmortality.Formybirthdayin
November–andshortlyafterourfamilyholidaytoBrisbanewhenIhadanepiphanyofchild‐
carecompetencyincorrectlydiagnosingillnessinEstlindespiteKarenandmymother
insistinghewasjust‘peeky’–KarengavemeacopyofTheFamilyEncyclopediaofHealth.
Insidethefrontcoversheinscribed:‘November11,2002.Hopethisbookwillanswerany
24
questionsthatpopupinthefuture!AllmyloveKaren’.ForChristmasshegavemeseveral
morebooksandineachwrotesimilarinscriptionsdetailingthedate,Christmas,andherlove.
Shefailedhowevertowriteaninscriptioninonebook–MichaelCooper’sWineAtlasofNew
Zealand–whichIparticularlycovetedandhaddirectlyrequestedwhenshoppingwithKarena
coupleofmonthsearlier.ThebookhadjustbeenpublishedandappealedtomeduetomyPhD
topicwhichfocusedontheentangledconstructsofrurality,leisure,winetourism,class
distinctionandindividualidentityinthenearby‘winevillage’ofMartinborough.Althoughmy
PhDhadbeenregularlysuspendedduringKaren’sillnessandIworkedfulltimelecturingto
supportourfamily,IstillretainedanenduringinterestinthetopicalthoughIwasn’tatallsure
when,orif,Iwouldreturntomyresearch.
AfterreceivingthebookonChristmasmorningandshortlyafternotingthatitwassans
notationfromKaren,Iaskedherwhyshehadnotinscribedthistext.WasitbecauseIhad
openlyaskedforitandhadbeentherewhenKarenpurchasedit?Wasitbecauseitwasalready
‘PERSONALLYAutographed’bytheauthorasthegoldstickeronthefrontcoverproclaimed
andwhichtheauthor’ssilversignatureontheinsidetitlepageverified?
‘No,notall’,Karenrepliedlaughing.Shehadsimplyforgottenandwouldinscribeitsoon,‘After
lunchorlaterafterwereturnfromChristmasdinnerwithyourMumandDad.’SatisfiedI
shambledofftofindanotherChristmasmincepie.
Karen’somissionwas,however,curious.Shewasalwaysdiligentinhergift‐givingandhergifts
werefrequentlyextravagantandempathetic.Karen’sgiftsalwaysenhancedmybeingand
personalityfarbeyondwhatIwasinitiallyconsciousoforcouldappreciate.Onetimeshegave
asetofantique,colouredcrystalwineglasses.Idon’trecallexactlytheoccasionotherthanit
waswhenwewerelivingatRoseCottage,thatKarenhadbeenpayingofftheglassesfor
monthsbeforehand,andthatshesaidshewasgivingthemtome‘adaylate’becauseIhad
upsetherthedaybefore–althoughshewouldn’ttellmewhatIhaddone:‘Youshouldknow
why.Besidesthatwasyesterday,todayyoushouldbeenjoyingyourglasses.’Iofcoursedidn’t
knowwhy,possiblyitwasValentine’sDayandIhadforgotten.WhatismoreIdidn’tinitially
appreciatetheimportofhergift‐althoughthroughusingtheglassesIquicklyrealisedhow
thesequirky,individuallycolouredvesselsnotonlyreflectedmyeclecticpersonality,butalso
resonatedwiththedistinctpersonalitiesofthosewithwhomImostenjoyedtosharegood
wine,foodandconversation.Aperfectgift.
ThiswasoneofafewtimesthatKarenwithheldinformation–normallyshewasblatantly
honestandopen,whichmeantnotonlythatyouknewwhatandwhyyouhadgotitwrong,but
moreimportantlyyoucouldtrustinwhatyouhadgotright.Anothertimewasonherlast
ChristmaswhendaysbeforehandKarenhaddiscoveredthatthetumoursunderherarmpit,
25
whichhaddrasticallyreducedinsizeinresponseto‘lastchance’chemotherapytreatment,
nowappearedtobegrowingagain–acircumstancethatmeantthathercancerwasterminal.
ButKarendidn’ttellme.Shedidn’ttellherdoctorseither.Shekeptthisgrimnewstoherself,
wantingeveryonetoenjoyChristmasandespeciallyhereldestchildren,AlanaandDylan,who
werejoiningusforthefirsttimeforChristmaslunch.ThiswasKaren’sgreatestgifttousthat
year–aChristmaswithoutfear,withoutdespair.AChristmasinnaïvejoyandgoodtiding.And
itwas.
MoreusuallyKarenwithheldnothing–oratleastnothingIknowof.Infactshecastigatedme
foroneofmygiftsthatChristmas–anecklaceconsistingofablacksilkchokerfromwhich
hungasilvercagedesignedtoholdafreshrosebud.IhadgivenKarenthematchingearrings
forherbirthdayearlyintheyear.AlthoughIknewKarenlovedgoldjewellery,itcertainly
displayedpleasinglyagainstandset‐offherbronzedskin,Iwasalsocertainshecouldalso
wearsilverwell.Besides,IknewKarenlovedflowersandtheorganicnatureofthisjewellery
wasintriguing.Furthermoreourgiftshadoftenchallengedintheirenrichment.Karenlistened
tomyreasoningandafterwearingtheearringsafewtimes,declaredthatshelovedthem.The
necklace,however,wasasteptoofar.Immediatelyafterunwrappingmygift,Karenretorted:
‘WhatareyouthinkingPeter?IhavetumoursgrowingonmyneckandIdon’twanttodraw
attentiontothem.’Thisresponsedidn’tfazeorupsetme,itwassimplyKareninhonesty.I
repliedthat,asidefromwantingtocompletetheset,Ijustdidn’tsee,didn’tthink,aboutthe
tumours.ThatIonlysawherbeautiful.Karennodded,triedthenecklaceon,lookingatherself
inamirror,thenshesaid‘Nope,itjustdoesn’twork.Theearringsareok,Iliketheearringsbut
thenecklacejustisn’tright,it’stoogothic.Abitmorbiddon’tyouthink?’Ihadthepenultimate
word,dressingKareninboththeearringsandnecklaceafterherdeath.Althoughthelastword
wassavedforherandthefiresofcremation.
TherewasalsoaneccentrichonestyandopennesstoKaren’sowngift‐giving.Mostoftenshe
wouldgetsoexcitedthenightbeforethatshewouldsitupinbed,squirmingwithanticipation
andsmilingtoherself.IfIwasasleepshewouldshakemeawakemeandthenblurtoutwhat
mybirthdayorChristmasgiftwas.‘Ijustcan’twait…,’shewouldsaybeforedivulgingand
collapsinghercarefullycraftedsurprise.AsidefromthewineglassestheonlyothergiftIcan
recallKarengivingmeinsurprisewasananniversarypresent.Ihadbeenoutwithfriendsin
Wellington,returninglateonenighttoasleepingRoseCottage.Afterskilfullyavoidingthe
creakiestfloorboardsinthehallway,Ienteredthebackloungeandswitchedonthelight.At
firstIthoughtitwasato‐scaleposter,butnoitwasthegenuinearticle–alargefigurativeoil
paintingtitledAimee&NinabytheTaranaki‐basedartistMarianneMuggeridge.Thepainting
skilfullydepictsayoung,lithe,blonde‐hairedPakehagirlsittingcross‐legged,inprofile,and
nexttoanolder,petite,raven‐hairedMaoriwomanwhomeetstheviewer’sgazeheadon.The
foothillsofMtTaranakiplaybackdropandthepaintingisawonderfulportrayaloffeminine,
26
generationalandbi‐culturalinterplay.IhadfalleninlovewithAimee&Ninawhenitfirst
appearedinaexhibitionofMarianne’sworkatAtheneGalleryinnearbyGreytown.
Unbeknowntome,Karenhadcovertlymadeanofferonthepainting–averylovingandbold
moveconsideringwehadonlygrocerymoneyinthebank.Karenhad,however,dejectedly
reportedbackthat‘anAmerican’had,viatheinternet,offeredexactlythesameamountinUS
currency,therebynearlydoublingouroffer.CharmedbyKaren’sgestureIhadvisitedthe
galleryforthenextmonthtolookatthepainting,drinkcoffeewiththegalleryowner–my
nowgoodfriendIan–andtocomplainaboutthisnewformofnet‐enabled,exchange‐rate
Americanimperialism.
Suddenly Karen was at my side, her eyes sleepy and warm, smiling enigmatically. ‘Happy
Anniversarybabe–hopeyoustilllikethepainting.’Agift?How?When?DidIanhangit?How
much?Howthe hell are we going to pay for it? Karen just smiled and said ‘I will tell you all
aboutinthemorning–butfornowit’stimeforbed’,uponwhichshetookmyhandandturned
offtheloungelight.AftermakingheroriginalandunsuccessfulofferKarenhad–inseeingmy
deeplonging–onceagainsecretly returnedtothegalleryandofferedathousanddollarsmore,
stillseveralthousandlessthantheAmericanoffer.Howeverthisprovedenoughtoclinchthe
deal,althoughKarenhadtoputthepaintingonherAmexcard,whichhadn’tseenthelightof
dayforsometime.Wehadjustthreeweekstoraisethefundstopayitoff–amovefacilitated
byamortgageandanewdoublegarage.
ImetNina–theMaoriwomandepictedinthepainting–onthedayofKaren’sfuneral.Shehad
been visiting Marianne the artist, who had also become a family friend and who told her of
Karen’sdeathandourassociationwiththepainting.NinakindlyaccompaniedhertoKaren’s
funeral and I was standing nervously outside Old St Paul’s greeting people when I saw her
walkingupthedriveway.Ipointedaknowingfingerinherdirection,declaring–‘Iknowyou!
Youhanginourlounge!’Abrightencounteronwhatwasaharrowingday.
Karen’s gifts always enriched. Were always meticulously planned and thoughtful – even if
prematurelydisclosed.WhichiswhythelackofapersonalinscriptionintheMichaelCooper’s
WineAtlasirkedalittleandIaskedKarenonseveraloccasionswhenshewasgoingtowrite
one. Every time she smiled and said, ‘Soon, soon. I’ll do later today, I promise.’ Then we
receivedconfirmationthathercancerhaddefinitelyreturned.Karenphonedmeinmyoffice,
telling me ‘Now don’t panic’ and a missing inscription quickly became the last thing on my
mind.
AyearorsoafterKaren’sdeathIdecidedtoreturntoPhDstudies.IturnedtotheWineAtlasas
agentlewayofre‐orientatingmyselftothehistoryanddevelopmentofthewineindustryin
NewZealand.Aswithallhard‐coverbooks,Iremovedthedustjacket,puttingthisonthebook
27
shelfforsafe‐keeping.Iopenedthebookandthere,ontheinsideofthefrontcover,under
wherethedustjacketfoldsits,wasthefollowinginscriptionfromKaren:
MerryChristmas2002.Cheers!tomydarlingyesyouwillcurseme&finishyourthesis.
AllmyloveKaren.
6.
Karenannouncedoneafternoonthat,‘I’mofftothehairdresserstohavemyhaircutoff.’A
shortdiscussiononherreasoningtookplaceasshewalkedthroughthediningroomand
upstairstowardthefrontdoor,withKarenfirmlyassertingthatshewasnotgoingto‘simply
waitforittofalloutpiecemeal.Bettertohaveitcutoffprofessionallyandthenwaitforitto
growback…I’llpickupsomegroceriesonthewayhome.’
Shewent,shereturned,withoutfanfare.Withoutrecriminationorlament.Itwasshortly
beforeherfirstroundofchemotherapy;shortlyaftershehadrecoveredsufficientlyfromher
mastectomyoperationtodrivethecar.
Karenreturnedanhourortwolatertorevealavirginwhitescalp;aperfectlyroundcranium;
andacoupleofberetsshehadboughttocombat‘thecoldwind’nowblowingaroundher
nakedhead.Sheunpackedthegroceries.
The family regarded Karen’s denuded head as a resplendent, luminous orb that none of us
could stop rubbing, given its smoothness and exactitude; a crisp ritual of familiarity and
novelty that was reinvigorated when her hair began to grow back as a fine, tingling fuzz a
coupleofmonthslater.
SomeweeksafterKaren’svisittothehairdressers,Estlin(thenfiveyearsold)drewapicture
ofhismotheraspartofaclassactivityatschool.Thepicturestillhangsonthewallofour
kitchen,justabovethesinkwhereKarenproudlyblue‐tackedit.Estlin’scrayondrawing
depictshismotherdressedinelectricblueandstandingproudwitharmsandfingersspread
wide,smilingbroadlywithafullheadoflong,darkhairthatjauntilycurlsupattheends.Atthe
bottomthereisatypedcaption:‘Mymumusedtohavelonghair.Nowshehasshorthair.By
Estlin.’
7.
Karenthoughther‘lackofhips’–ofthecurvaceousScarletJohanssonkind–wereher‘worst
feature’.
FrommyperspectiveKaren’sfullbreasts,herstrongshoulders,herevenstronger,nimble
fingers–thatcouldmakeyoucryinecstaticpainwithmassage,thatatothertimesgrippedme
sotightlythattheboundarybetweenusfusedinaudibly–weremorethancompensationfor
thisallegeddeficit.BesidesKarencouldcertainlyworkwhatshehadandIcouldspother
distinctivehip‐swinginggait,herthick,darkhairswayinginunion,injauntycelebration,from
alongwayoff.Aroundthefilteringbyways.Thegloomynooksoftheuniversity.
28
Thisvisioninthedistance,mostoftenglimpsedasKarensteppedlivelyahead,caughtme
unawareeverytime.Everytimearrestedmemid‐sentence,inmid‐thought.Wouldliftme
abovethehumdrumwithastartlingburstofcrystaljoy.AndasIhurriedtocatchup,allwould
dissolveintobackground.Intodiscard.
Iwouldcallouthername.Karen.
Callout.Sothatshewouldstop.Wouldturn.Togreetmewithasmilethatalwaysstartedin
hereyes.Impishgreen,fleckedhazel.Thatillumedherlips.Herface.Thatcoursedthroughher
body,thenmine.Pickedmeupentire,renewed,complete.
Karenholdsmygazedirectly.Ismyintent,mydoublehelix.
‘Heybabe’.
‘Heyyou’.
Karen’shandreachesoutandpresslightlyonmychest.
8.
‘Howwouldyoufeelifwelostourrings?’
‘I’dclaimtheinsurance.’
KnewassoonasI’dsaiditIhadgotitwrongandbadly.Changedtack.
‘I’dbedevastatedofcourse…also.’
Butitwastoolate.
Myfirstresponseexposedamarked,evenintuitive,lackofsentiment.Ablatantpovertyof
romanceandcaring.AlthoughIwassureKarenwouldattheleastrecognize,wouldatleast
appreciate,thespontaneityofmypragmatism–somethingIhadconstantlylearnedfromher,
perhapsmostmemorablywhenEstlinwasbornonJuly2ndatickoverayearfromour
IndependenceDayhook‐up.Plannedyetsixweek’spremature.Justdaytwoafterwehad
movedtoRoseCottage,ahomely,three‐bedroom,circa1861cottageintheSouthWairapapa.
Ourpersonalidyll.
IshouldhaverealizedEstlin’sworldlyarrivalwasimminentwhenKareninsistedIleaveoff
unpackingboxesandarrangingfurnitureandredirectmyenergiestotakingdownallthe
ceilinglightfittingssoshecouldcleanthem.Ashortdebateensuedoverthemeritsofcleaning
lightfittingsamidstaseaofunpackedchaos,butKarenwasadamant.Thistaskneeded
completingbeforeshecouldresteasyfor‘anothernight’.Iagreedwithoutanyrealresistance;
afterall,aneasy‐resting,near‐eight‐monthspregnantwomanisablessinginanyhome,let
aloneonetowhichyouhavejustmoved.
29
ButIshouldhaverealized.
Ifoundaladderinthewoodshedandhadpositionedthistotakedownthefirstfitting–the
oneinourbedroom,figuringthiswasonethatwouldbethemostconducivetoappeasing
Karen’srestfulness,whenIheardherfromthekitchenexclaimthatherwatershadbroken.
Shethencalmlywalkedtothehallwayphone,tellingmeasshepassedthebedroomdoorway
‘tobecarefulupthere’andcalledthelocalmid‐wifetoinformherofevents.Karenhadspoken
tothemidwifeforthefirsttimeonlyanhourorsobeforetoscheduleaninitialmeetandgreet
forlaterintheweek.
OnceoffthephoneKarentoldmeshedidn’tthinkthemidwifehadbelievedher,butthatshe
wouldbearoundintwentyminutes‘inanycasetocheckmeout’.IaskedwhatIshoulddo,
expectingclichédinstructionsabouthotwater,cleantowelsoratleasttogetthemotor
running.ButKarensaidshehadalreadypackedanovernightbagandthattherewasn’tmuch
todobutwait–afterall,wedidn’tknowwheretheclosesthospitalwas.Thensheaskedmeto
setuptheTVandVCR.‘What?’Irepliedincredulously.‘Idon’twanttomissSeinfieldjust
becauseweareoccupiedatthehospital,whereveritis.’Karenlaughedmischievously,herface
alightwithcalmexcitement.Istammeredoutanacquiescent‘Ok’asKarenturnedandwaddled
backtothekitchentocontinuehermeatloafpreparations.
ThemidwifedulyarrivedtofindKarenbentoverputtingameatloafintheovenandme
attemptingtodisentanglethemulti‐colouredwiresatthebackoftheVCR.‘I’mtryingtosetup
theVCRsowecanrecordSeinfeldbeforewegotothehospital,’Iexplained.‘Ohok,’the
midwifereplied,‘Let’sjustseewillwe’beforeintroducingherselftoKaren.Thetwoofthem
thendisappearedintoourbedroomto‘seewhat’sup’.
Themidwifeclearlythoughtwewereacoupleofnaïve‘citytypes’whohadover‐reactedor
panickedinsomeway.ButIknewbetter.Karenalreadyhadtwochildrenandhermotheringof
Corinnahadbeennotonlyconstructive,butwasfrequentlyproactive,oneortwostepsahead
ofthegamewhenIwasstillunawarewewereonafieldofplay.MymoneywasonKaren.
Acoupleofminuteslaterthemidwifereturnedashen‐faced.‘She’seightandhalfcentimeters
dilated.Wehavetogettothehospitalnow!’Iaskedherwheretheclosesthospitalwas.‘In
Masterton,buttheyarenotequippedtotakesix‐weekprems.Youwillhavetodriveoverthe
hilltotheHuttHospital.’Itwasmid‐winter.Nightwasfallingandthetemperaturehad
droppedfastandtheradiohadwarnedofpossiblesnowontheRimutakaHillovernight.Iwas
tryingtogetmyheadaroundaforty‐minute,twistingdrivebackoverthehillroadwithan
eightcentimetersandcountingKaren.Assessingifmyrallyingdrivingskillscouldbreakfree
fromtheimaginedandactuallygetKarentotheHuttHospitalontimewhensheappearedat
thedoorway.
30
‘NO...Wewon’tmakeit.Ireckonweonlyhaveabout20minutes,soitisMastertonorhere.’
Abriefdiscussionlaterweweredesperatelytryingtokeepupwiththemidwife.Shehad
careeredoffintothedarknessat100kmplus.ForgettingperhapsthatindespiteofKaren’s
calmdecisivenessandmyVCRconnectionskills,wewerestillruralnewbiesandtousthe
unlit,nightdarkroadwayswereforeignterritory.Althoughwedidmanagetokeepherblue
flashinglightinsight,aluminaryexcitementallthemoreenhancedbyuslikewisecuttingthe
pitchnightwithouralternatinghazardlights.
BythetimewereachedCarterton–tenminutesfromRoseCottage,anothertenfrom
Masterton–Karensaid‘I’mholdingitin.’AlthoughshestillhadenoughpresencetorequestI
findadecentmusicstationonthecarradiotokeepher‘calm’.
Withinminutesofarrivingatthehospital,Estlinwasborn.Itwasaparticularlybusynightin
obstetricswithfourwomengivingbirthatthesametimeandthebirthingunithadadistinct
airofkeystonecops.Nurseswererunningeverywhere.Instrumentswerebeingdropped,
clatteringonlinoleumfloor.Eventheattendingobstetrician,whohadano‐nonsense,nurse‐
intimidating,sleeves‐literally‐rolled‐updemeanorofabusyvetduringanepidemic,became
unsettledashecountedoffthenumberoftimestheumbilicalcordwaswrappedaround
Estlin’sneck:‘Twice…three…ahfour!’
Throughallthis.Themadnighttime,unknownroadwaydashtothehospital.Estlinbeing
rushedtoanincubator.Amidthehurriedassurancesfromnursesthatthebabywasok,
althoughheandKarenwouldhavetostayinhospitalforafewdays’observation.Karenwas
serenelyunruffled,matter‐of‐fact.Shedidnotcryoutandonlygrimacedacoupleoftimeswith
what,asidefromthelargebumpinherfront,couldeasilyhavebeenconfusedwithheartburn
(Scientologyeatyourheartout).Evenatthemomentofbirth,shesimplysqueezedmyhand
andboredownasinstructed.AndforthemostpartIsimplyfollowedhercue(thoughan
attendingnursecommendedmeonmyenthusiastic‘cheerleading’especiallyatthebear‐down
juncture).MymajorconcernwasKaren’swellbeing,althoughIhadcompletetrustinher
instincts.
AndthenKarenyelped.
Asharp,unexpectedcryofpainandsurprise.
Causedbyanattendingnursewho,withoutforewarning,hadplungedaneedleintoKaren’s
thigh,injectingherwithsyntocinontohelpexpeltheplacenta.
‘Yes…thereitis!’Icalledout,fist‐pumpingincelebration.
Thenurse,Karen,thepediatricianalllookedatmequizzically.
31
‘Sorry…IthoughtthatallAmericanwomencriedoutwhengivingbirth…atleastthat’swhat
theydointhemovies…I’vebeenwaitingforit,that’sall.’IsmiledgoofilyandKarensmiled
backwithironicunderstanding.
‘Goandgetmesomethingtoeat.I’mreallyhungryanditlooksasthoughI’mgoingtomissout
onthatmeatloaf.’
ThiswasclassicKaren.Pragmatic,controlled,cogent.Quicklysummingupasituationto
identifytheimmediate,necessaryresponses.
TendayslaterIreceivedacallfromKarentellingmetheyhadbeendischarged,thatIcould
driveuptoMastertonandcollectherandEstlin.AndIpanicked.
Partlyinexcitement.Partlyduetosomeformofdelayed,pent‐upstressfromeventstendays
prior.Icouldn’tfindmykeys.Wasn’tsureifthebabyseatwasinthecar.Suddenlyworried
thatIcouldnotrememberthewaytothehospital,eventhoughIhaddriventhereforten
consecutivedays.
Idashedoutofthehouse.AndasIdidsoIinexplicably,withoutanylogic,reasonorrhyme,
pickedupacardboardboxfilledwithunpacked,flattenedboxesandplaceditontopofthe
wood‐burner.Thewood‐burnerthatIhadlitearlierthatmorningandwhichhadhada
roaring,house‐warmingfireablazeallday.
Idroveexcitedly,distractedly,untilIreachedCartertonwhenanotherthoughthitme;Ineeded
somescrewsforabookshelfthatKarenwantedfitted.Ipulledanillegalu‐turn,drovequickly
backtoRoseCottage,unlockedthefrontdoortofindthehallwayfilledwithsmoke.I
immediatelyrecognizedmystupidityandrantotheloungetofindthickgreysmokebillowing
outandaroundthemisplacedcardboardbox.Ipickeditupandranoutside.AsIgottothe
frontdoortheboxexplodedintoflames.Ithrewandtheboxlandedsafely,harmlessly,alight
onthelawn.
Icouldn’tbelievemyidiocy(thoughIcanhearpsychologistsmutteringaboutsuppressed
animosityandragetowardimpendingfatherhoodovercomeinmyunconsciousbyan
enduringdesireforKaren’ssexualandintellectualenrichment–hencethescrewsandthe
bookshelf).YetIhadreadNewZealand’sBurning10andIknewhowmanyofthepioneers’
wooden,weather‐boardhomesandbuildingshadbeenlosttofire.IfIhadn’tforgottenthose
screws,RoseCottage–morethanahundredandthirtyyearsoldandsparktinder‐dry–would
haveburnttothegroundinminutes.AndKarenwouldhavespentjustonechaoticmoving
Rollo,A.(1994).NewZealand’sBurning–TheSettlers’WorldintheMid1880s.VictoriaUniversityPress,Wellington.
10
32
nightinherdreamcountrycottage.Allourpossessionswouldhavebeenlost.Therewouldbe
nohomeforournewchild.
IsetoffforMastertonHospitalagain,parkedthecarandrushedtoKaren’sroomto
breathlesslytellherofmymisadventure.InmygarbledtellingImanagedtoconvincemyself
thatRoseCottagewasstillnotsafe.ThatIcouldnottrustmyextinguishingefforts.SoIdashed
outoftheroom,yellingIneededtocheckthehouseagain.ThatIneededtoensureeverything
wasalrightbeforetakingherandEstlinawayfromthehospital.
Anothermaddeningmercydash,thistimebacktoRoseCottage.Ranfromthecar,intothe
housetofind…everythingwasfine,ofcourse.Thenthephonerang.
ItwasKaren.
‘Everythingok?’
BeforeIcouldreply.
‘Good,becausewhatareyouthinking?I’vebeenherefortendaysandIwanttoleavenow.’
‘ButwhatifRoseCottagehadburntdown?’Istammeredbywayofjustification.
‘Ifthehousehadburntdownwewouldsimplybookintoamotel…Soyouhavetwentyminutes
tocollectmeandEstlinorwearedivorced.’
Anecessaryslapacrossmyconsciousnessthatimmediatelyreleasedmefromthegripsofa
delayed,illogical,panic.AndwhichspawnedanothersprinttoMastertontobringKarenand
Estlinbacksafelyandsecurelyhome–thoughnotbeforeIstoppedtobuycakeasagiftof
appeasement.
AndyethereIwassevenyearslatertellingKaren,thewomanwhoresolutelykeptmeonthe
straight,narrowandexciting,thatifwelostourrings–lostherdiamondvinedengagement
ring,ourtwoinscribedweddingbands–thatmyfirstresponsewouldbetoclaim‘the
insurance’.Andwhatismore,IwastellingaKarenwhohadbeendeadfornearelevenmonths.
ItwasjustbeforeChristmas2003.EstlinandIwereatRoseCottagereadyingitforhomestay
guestswhowerebookedinfortheXmas‐NewYearperiod.Iwasmowingthebrowninglawns,
enjoyingthewarmingsunandthephysicallabour.Wearingearmuffstoeasetheindustrial
clatterofthemower.Mymindwasturnedtowardthoughtsofimpendingsummerdroughts
whenIheardKaren’svoiceclearandcomposed.
‘Howwouldyoufeelifwelostourrings?’
‘I’dclaimtheinsurance.’
33
No,wrongresponse.‘I’dbedevastatedofcourse…also.’
What?Karen?Me?Actual?Projecting?Istoppedpushingthemower.Attemptedtomakesense
ofwhathadjusthappened.IhadheardKaren’svoicemanytimessinceherdeath.Knew
frequentlyitwasmesimplyprojecting,thoughthisdidnotworrymeasIwasconfidentthat
myintimateunderstandingswouldalwaysensureanauthenticrenderingofKareninabsentia.
BesidesIwasalwayscomfortedbythenotionthatKarenwasstillguidingme–oratthevery
leastthatIwasguidingmyselfviafaithful,pertinent,impersonations.
Howeverthiswasdifferent.Ihadnoideaofwhere,why,whatcircumstanceshadprompted
thisbizarrequestionaboutlosingrings.IstruggledtorecallwhereIhadhadlastseenthe
rings.Rememberedtheyweresittinginanornamentaljewelleryboxontopofourbedroom
dresser.However,onlyknewforsurethatonlymyinsurancereplywaswrong.
Irecommencedmowing,stilltryingtofigureoutwhyKarenasopposedto‘Karen’wouldbe
askingmeaboutourrings.Ishookitoff.DecidedIshouldbepleasedtoactuallyhearKaren’s
voicealthough,forthemomentIwouldhavetoacceptthatIcouldnotdecipherhermeaning
orintent.
ThenIheardEstlincallingmefromthebackdoor.
‘Dad,Dad!’
‘Huh,’Iremovedtheearmuffs.‘What?’
‘Thepoliceonthephone.ThepolicefromWellington.Theywanttotalktoyou!’
OurhomeinHighbury,Wellingtonhadjustbeenburgled.Thepolicereportedthatapasser‐by
hadfoundKaren’screditcards(allexpired),driver’slicenseandpurse‐sizedphotographsof
thechildrenstrewnalongafootpathofanearbyroad.Fearingarobbery,muggingor
somethingevenmoresinister,theyhadfirstlyphonedHighburyandnowRoseCottage.Itold
themofKaren’sdeathearlyintheyearandthatthecardsetccouldhaveonlycomefromher
purpleCountryRoadhandbagthatwassittingonthesideboardwhereshehadleftit.Onthe
dayshewastakentothehospice.
WedroveoverthehillandreturnedtoHighbury.Foundthatsomeonehadbrokeninthrough
theFrenchdoorsandasidefromKaren’shandbag,theyhadalsostolenourcomputerand
presentsfromaroundtheChristmastree.Yetforsomeinexplicablereasontheyhadnot
ventureddownstairs.Downtowheretheywouldhavebeencompletelyshelteredfrom
neighborlyeyes.Whereourrings,allofKaren’sjewellery,satontopofourbedroomdresser.
Justoneswiftgrab.Onepocketingawayfrompryinghands.
34
Thepolicequicklynabbedtheperpetuator,(hewasayoungelectricianwhohadbeenworking
onthepropertynextdoorandwasalreadyonacurfewawaitingtrialforstealingandfleecing
carradiostoCa$hConverterstofinancehisrecentlyacquiredP‐habit),althoughtheywere
perplexedwhyhehadn’tgonedownstairs.
‘Somethingmusthavedisturbedhim,’theysaid.
Karenperhaps.Afterallshewasconstantlyunsettlingme.
9.
Karenisstandingonthecobbledpathwayleadingtotheoldanthropologydepartmentat
VictoriaUniversity.AccostingmeasIheadoutthedoorwayintothegatheringdusk,shoulders
hunchedandhomewardbound.
Karenisstandinghandsonhips,impedingmyprogresssoshecoulddelivertheforceful
messagethathadboughthertotheuniversityatthishourwhentypicallyshewouldbeather
home.Typicallycooking,cajolingherchildrentocompletehomework.Towashtheirhands.
Setthetable.
Inmymind’seyeKareniswearingthewool‐lined,Californiandenimjacketsheworewhenwe
firstsharedananthropologytutorialandseveralbriefconservationssomeyearsbefore.Her
long,darkhairenfoldsthejacket’sthickwoollencollarandsheltersonhershoulderswiththe
animationofspeech.
This,ofcourse,isafalsememory.
Karendidn’townoratleastdidn’twearthedenimjacketwhenwebeganouraffairsomeyears
later.Neverthelesstheresheis,wearingbluejeans,thedenimjacket,goldringsandgold
braceletflashingagainstthebronzeskinofherhands,wrists,inthedarkeningeveninglight.
Standingdeterminedlyakimbo,readytoaccost,confrontassoonasIleftthedepartment.
Deliveringherproclamationwithaforceandpassionthatweresoontobecomeourdailydiet
oflove,sex,careandtalk.
‘Look,itisassimpleasthis.Iwillbebetterforyouthananywomanyouhaveeverknownand
anywomanyouwilleverknow.’
Inevokingthedenimjacket,mymemoryhastumbledbacktothetimewhenIwasfirst
attracted–albeitfromthetentative,manywouldclaimsly,socialdistancethatenablesthe
appraisalsandassessmentsofthemalegaze–toKaren’smarried,nonchalantlyelegantand
seeminglyunattainablefeminineaesthetic.Thesememoriesarehazyatbest.Existprimarily
viarecollectionsthatKarenconveyedafterwewerecoupled.
TowhenKarenfirsttalkedtomeaswestoodonthepalered,cobbledpathwaythatleadsto
thefrontdoorofthedepartment.Ihadspentayouthfulyearmakingsuchcobblestonesat
35
Firth’sinWaikanae,finishingthedaywithface,hair,forearmscoatedinredandblackcement,
thirstingforacoolbeer.Itwasafternoonandjustafterwehadsharedanundergraduate
tutorial,thoughIcan’trecallwhatpaperweweretakingorthelecturer.Itmayhavebeena
300‐levelpaperonAnthropologymethodologies.Idon’trememberKarenatallintheactual
tutorial,justtalkingtoheroutside.Idon’tremembermuchofwhatshesaid.Nothingofmy
reply.HoweverIdorecallKarenwearingthesheep‐skin‐lineddenimjacketandhaveavague
memoryofhersayingshehadtoleavetogetreadytodecamptoPaekakarikifortheweekend,
whichIdidn’treallycomprehend.SoitwaspossiblyaFriday.Ialsorememberthinkingthat
Karenwasa‘bitflakey’anddidnotformanyunderstandingthatshewantedtotalksimply
becausewewerebothmaturestudents.Thoughtthatsheprimarilywantedtodiscuss
anthropology,butdidnotknowhoworwhattosay.
Gaps,gapsandmore.
Ihadstartedundergraduatestudiesin1989,amaturestudentwhohadpreviouslyenjoyed,
thenendured,abriefbutinterestingcareerasajournalistworkingforthetabloidTruthin
WellingtonandAuckland,evenmorefleetinglyasasportsreporter(rugbyandathletics)in
Cardiff,Walesbeforegivingtheboss24hoursnotice,readingMarx,andorchard/pub
working/travellingforafewyears.Mythenwife,Isobel(alsoajourno,althoughthekindthat
canspelli.e.asub‐editor),suggestedIgotouniversity(shehadalreadybeen)andthat
anthropologywouldsuitthewaymymindworks.AtthistimeIdidn’tknowwhat
anthropologywasorhowtospellit,soIoweadebtofastuteinsightandsupporttoIsobelwho
isoneofseveralwomenwhohaveknownmealotbetterthanIknowmyself.
KarenstartedheruniversitycareerintheStatesattheUniversityofCaliforniainSanta
Barbaraonascholarshipprovided,Ithink,bytheCaliforniaDepartmentofFireProtection.
Herfather,Frank(Francis)JosephNeeleJr.,Karen’sall‐Americanhero.Hadbeenafiremanin
theIndioFireDepartment,RiversideCounty,California,forfiveyearswhen,inMay1971,he
diedofaheartattackwhilefightingafireina‘boxcar’causedby‘sparksfromthebrakesofthe
east‐boundtrain’ontheSouthernPacificRailroad.Hewasforty‐five.Karenwastwelve.A
pupilatthelocalcatholicschool,OurLadyofPerpetualHelp,andmostprobablyasleepwhen
herfatherwaspronounceddeadat9.55pmatValleyMemorialHospital‘despiteattemptsat
bothmechanicalandmouth‐to‐mouthresuscitationbyotherfiremen’.11
FrankhadpreviouslyservedintheUS.NavyasaChiefPettyOfficerfor20yearsandafter
WorldWarIIasadiverengagedinbombandminedisposal.Wehaveaphotoofhimencased
inhisbelldivingsuit,smilingbroadly,handsomely,withhisbrasshelmetsittingonthewharf
andaleggy,swim‐suitedblondesittingonhislap(Imistakenly,yetappealingly,toldKaren’s
Fromvariousnewspapersclippings–undatedorreferenced–thatKarenkeptfromthissadtime.
11
36
motherwhenshevisitedthatIthoughtthatitwasherinthepicture–instantbrowniepoints).
Apparentlythemenwhocarriedoutunderwaterbombdisposalweredrawnmainlyfromthe
ranksoftheBlacks,IndiansandotherlowlyrankedindividualsinU.S.societyatthetime.Both
Karen’sfathers,biological(whomshenevermet)andadoptive(Frank)wereIndian.Frankwas
bornJohnSnowinJuly1925andhadbeenadoptedhimselfasafouryearold,a‘minorchild…
indigent,destituteandhomeless’in1929,theyearoftheWallStcrash.Hehadapparently
been‘abandonedanddesertedbythefather’andhismother,Betty,wasunable‘tofinancially
supportsaidchild[and]…Believingthatthewelfareofmychildwillbepromotedby
placementinagoodhome’.12Karen’smother,MaryAnnNeele(neeHanlon),wasfromafamily
ofLatvianimmigrants,manyofwhomKarensaidwerestaunchcommunistsandatheists.They
were,shesaid,purposefullydisinclinedtobringchildrenintoaworldcorruptedbyrampant
capitalismandMcCarthyism,andasaresultKarenhadnobloodcousins,grewupasanonly
childofextendedfamilyofelderlyrelatives.
Influencednodoubtbyherheroicfather,Karenhadwantedtobeamarinebiologistearlyon
andwasherselfacertifieddiverwhohadavarsityjobdivingforabalone.Sheevenattendeda
month‐longdiveschoolin1976runbyJacquesCousteau’sson,Michel,basedonWuvulu
IslandnearPapuaNewGuinea,beforestartinguniversity.13Karentoldmethataroundthis
timeshestartedanaffairwithamarried,withtwochildren,andfifteenorsoyearshersenior,
professor.HelaterwrotetoKarenwhenwewerelivingatRoseCottageinSouthWairarapa
suggestingtheyrekindleoldpassions.Hesaidhewasstillin‘goodshape’,hadlefthiswife
severalyearspreviously,andwaseagertospanthegap,ifnotchasm,ofdecadeswithout
communication,oflifecourseslived.Hehadnicepenmanshipandlikemanymen(myself
included)couldclearlycarryatorchwithoutanyrecoursetotherealityofanother(Iamafter
allintenselyinlovewithadeadwoman).
Karenwaspatentlyriledatreceivingthismissiveandgrumbledaboutabuseofapositionof
trust,ofbeingavulnerableand‘under‐agedgirl’.ThelegalageofconsentinCaliforniawas,
andstillis,asurprisinglyconservative18years.IthoughtKaren’scommentswereabitharsh,
especiallyastherelationshiplasted,howeversporadically,formorethanayear.Moreover
affairsbetweenoldermenandyoungerwomenarecommonandfurthermorebymyreadingof
Americanpopularcultureaffairswithprofessorswerealmostarite‐of‐passageatthattime.
HoweverclearlyKaren’sperceptions,hernotion,herpresentationofselfaswomanandnowa
motherofateenagegirl,hadevolvedovertheinterveningtwentyplusyearsandshewrote
backsaying‘nothanks’inequallygoodpenmanship.
AdoptionRelease,RebeccaTalbotPerkinsAdoptionSociety,Inc,21stJanuary1929.
12
DailyNews(Indio),April17,1976,p.4.
13
37
Amarriageandachild(Alanab.1980)intheStates,amovetoNewZealand,andthenanother
child(Dylanb.1983),interruptedKaren’sstudies,thoughsheeventuallytransferredto
VictoriatocompleteaB.A.,majoringinanthropologyin1994.IcompletedmyB.A.,alsowitha
majorinanthropology,onechild(Corinnab.1990)andseveralyearsworkingasapart‐time
racingsub‐editorfortheSundayStarTimes,in1992.
KarenlatertoldmethereasonshehadinitiallysoughtmeoutsidetheAnthDepartmentwas
becauseIhadspokenwarmlyaboutmydaughterintutorialdiscussions.AsCorinnawasborn
inJanuary1990,itislikelythatKarenandIsharedanundergraduatetutorialsometime
between1991and1992–probablythelatterasIamnotparticularlyfondofinfants,socan’t
imagine‘talkingwarmly’untilCorinnawasatleastwalkingandtalkingwarmlyherself.
BesidesItookoffthesecondhalfof1990tobeCorinna’sprimarycaregiver.AllIcansayisshe
survived.
Althoughtherealkicker,todeployanaptAmericancolloquialism,isthatonereasonmyfirst
memoriesofmeetingKarenareopaque,isthatshehadfoundme‘toointense’.Indeedaftera
coupleofposttutorialinteractionsshetooktoexpeditiouslyhidingbehindbushes,oraround
buildingcorners,inavoidanceifshespontaneouslyhappenedonmearoundcampus.AllKaren
hadwantedwastosharesomeofthetrialsandjoysofbeingamaturestudent,aparent,
runningahousehold,allwhileattemptingtokeepupwithvarsitystudy.AndallItalkedabout
was‘haveyouread’suchandsuch,ideasforassignments,andthelatestanthropologicalnotion
Ihadencounteredordreamtup.Thelastthingsanyonewouldwanttohear,especiallywhen
‘simplygettingtovarsitywasdifficultenough’.
ThatIwasinsensitivetoKaren’spurposeisnotwithoutreason.FirstlyIassumedthatanyone
atvarsitywantingtotalkwithme,andespeciallyanattractive,elegantwoman,couldonly
wanttodiscuss‘ideas’.Andsecondly,mytimeatvarsitywaspreciousasIbarelyhadfrom9am
to3pmmostdaysasIsobelworkedthenightshiftonTheDominion.BesidesinanthropologyI
hadfoundahomeformyplayful,evolvingMarxistintellectandIwasveryexcited(stillamin
manyways),sobabblingenthusiasticallywasdefinitelyonthecards.Althoughnoneofthis
altersanowagreedtruththatourfirstencountersweremarkedbyKarenfirstcontactingand
thenstudiouslyavoidingme.Aresponsethatexposedapronouncedgapinourknowledgeand
comprehensionofeachother’scircumstances.
Mindthegap.
Notsurprisingly,backonthateveningwhenKarenstooddeterminedlyakimbo,denim‐bound,
herbeautifuldarkhairfanningangelicallyinthebreeze,anddeliveredherbestwoman
proclamation,Iwassoimpressed,soenamouredofherconfidence,theblunt,candidsuretyof
38
herdesireandaspiration,thatIbundledmylifeupinaneat,slightlylumpyparcelandgladly
handeditovertoherwaitingarms.
Gapclosing.
IhavevaguerecollectionsofahaloemittingaroundKaren’sheadatthismoment.Mostlikelyit
wasthesunsettingovertheyardarmoftheuniversitylibraryandsettlingintohealthydoseof
hagiographicremembrance.InanyregardanythoughtsthatKarenwasa‘bitflaky’hadbeen
resolutelypushedinthebackground.
Gapsmitten.
10.
‘No,Peter,youcan’t…’
‘Can’twhat?’
‘Youjustcan’tgivemethatlookanymore.’
Karenwasstandinginthekitchen,leaningagainstthebreakfastbarthathasneverbeenused
forthatpurpose.
‘Whatlook?’Ireplied,asIwalkeddownthestairstowardher,genuinelyunaware.
‘TheLOOK,’shesmiledsecretly.‘Ijustcan’tdoitanymore’.
SoIstopped.
ThelookwasoneofloveandlustthatprecededmewhisperingsweeteverythingsintoKaren’s
ear.Whisperings,whichatthismoment,weretheonlyformoflovemakingKarenwas
physicallycapableofasthecancerwasbeginningtospreadthroughoutherbody,was
depressingherbreathing,strippingherenergies.Evensooursweeteverythingsweretheludic
charminmyplottoorgasmKarenbacktohealth.Toforcethecancerclimatically,humorously,
null.Atthisjunctureitwastheonlyextraordinaryabilitywehad.Together,thatis,with
keepinglifeasnormal,aspossible.
Ourlovemakinghadtakenmanyevolvingformsovertheyears,somesurprising,all
exhilaratingandeachhoned,decisivelyring‐fenced.Oasesofindulgentpleasureandescape.
Thisform.Stopping.Despitetheoutwardappearanceofabsenceandcontradiction.Wouldbe
justasright.
SomeweekslaterKarensaidshewasworried.Worriedaboutme.Worriedaboutstopping.I
toldherourlovemakinghadalwaysbeenright,whatevertheformittook,whateverthe
circumstance.Gettingitrightmatteredaboveallelse.
39
SoIstopped.Karenstopped.Westopped.
Stopped‘Thelook’,whichuntilIwasasked,Ididn’tevenknowIhad.
11. Revelationisfretful.
Inwritingsomethingintenselypersonal,Ihavestruggled,baulked.Struggledwithrevelation.
Written,rewritten.Tossed,turned,returned.Baulked.Sackedmymemory.Found,filtered,
thenstashedsecretdelightsaway.Seekingwhat,how,whytoreveal?
Everydayweareconstantlymovedtochoose,torisk,tocreateandrecreatemomentsof
revelationorconcealment.Totellfull,thenhalf,thenquarter,tomakenodisclosuresatall.
Keepingittight,mostlyinpublic.Infrontofwitnessing,infrontofassessing,infrontof
judging,others.Thethem.Thethey.Purposefullymaintaininga‘But,it’sallgood’ideal,hoping
fewwillsee,willsensethecracks.Willrecogniseandexploitouranxieties.
Manylie.Repeatedly.Toothers.Often.Mosttragicallytothemselves.Andeverydaymillions
trekhomeward.Millionsopen,thencloseandthenmercifullylockfrontdoorsshut.Theyhang
jacketsonhooksandthrowkeysontokitchenbenches.Andthentheirshouldersslump.And
thentheysigh–sometimesdeeply,sometimesinoverturetoweeping.Tolettingitallgo.At
leastuntiltomorrowwhensuitsareagainbuttonedshinytightandhairisagaincombined
shinybright,andeverything,allisgoodforanotherday.Whattodivulge?Toconceal?
Embellishorveil?Choiceandrisk,butplaythegame.Everyoneisplaying.Everyoneisstriving.
Muteyourlosses,exaggerateyourwins,feigndisinterest,affectexcitement.Revealornot,but
stayinthegame.
Iworryaboutreaders.Mostlyoftrustingunknownandunknowableotherswithmy
revelations,withmytruths.Ofbeingconsumed,dissected,regurgitatedastheirtruth.Astheir
illusions,justificationsoraspirations.Asfodder,asgap.Somewillacceptandembrace.Others
willreject,castigateandvilify.Yetallwillbestrivingvaliantlytocreateandrecreate
themselvesinandoutofpact.Withme.WithKaren.Withanusasnarrative.
Ihaveexaminedfirstlythehabitualrevelationsofmynoweveryday.HaveIbecomemore
brazensinceKaren’sdeath?Morebarefacedinthetellingtokeepalivewhathasbeen
unflinchinglydowngradedtoplainmemory?MoreblatantasIattempttokeepmyselfgoing,
aliveasremembering,aswidoweraloneinasocietyobsessedwithcoupling.Critiquedmy
revelationsasself‐indulgence.Aslifeblood.Asajustificationformypallidappearance,my
waningexistence–personalandsocial.
Struggledalsowithanunderstandingthatrevelationsintextaredifferenttothosevoicedin
conversation.Areintimatelylinkedtothecurrentexpectations,normsandcontradictionsof
40
memoir.14Worriedwhethermyintentionallycraftedandre‐crafted,performedandpresented
renditionswillberegardedastruthfulandproperlytactful?Dotheyconformtotheshifting
ethicsofself‐presentationincontemporaryNewZealand;amidstthevexingnoiseofthe
chatteringmiddle‐classes,FacebookconfessionalsandE‐tainmentexposés?Orwilltheybe
rejectedasself‐aggrandising,deluded,pitifulinexploitingwhatshouldremainprivate?Even
worse,willtheybecontemptuouslydismissedasboring,uninteresting,asasorryinsightinto
theentrapmentsanddespairofthepathologicallygrieved.
OntopofthisIamtenderingrevelationsintotheburgeoningindustriesofautobiography,
memoirandlife‐writing.Industriesthatcurrentlyarefuelledbyavoyeuristicclamourfor
insightintothemarginalised,debased,theaddictedandtraumatised.Intothosewho,through
dintofpersonalinsightandfortitude,heroicallyfashionarecovery.Whoheart‐warmingly
experienceemotional,socialandspiritualredemption.Industriesthatareequallyinvigorated
byfurtiveglancescastintothelivesoftherichandpowerful,theinnovativeormerelyfamed.
YetIcanclaimneitherignominynorrenown.Haveenduredandcontributedtoanexistence
thatisaslimitedinitspublictriumphsasitisinthescopeofitsprivatefailures.NorcanIoffer
astoryofredemptionorrecovery.Karendied.Igrieve.Neverthelessthepressuretodisclose
details,events,commentariesthatareinsomewayextraordinary,areinsomewaysalacious,
ispalpable–ifonlytobedeemedpublishable.
AndwhenitcomestorevelationsintextIfindmyselfconsistentlyconfrontingthepaucityof
myliteraryskillstoeffusivelyconvey.Moreimportantlythough,Ifindmyselfalsoconfronting
thepermanencyandaddedsignificancethatisfrequentlyaccordedthewrittenword.AndI
havefloundered.Baulked.Realisedthatinthespokentelling,wheneverbrowsfurrowor
eyebrowsraiseincredulously,onecaneasilyrewindandexplainitalltoperplexedlisteners.
Likewise,youcanemphasisewithintonation,gesture,facialexpressions.Inotherwords,inthe
dynamicsofconversationitismucheasiertopitchandadvanceyourcause.Also,thatinthe
spokentellingandretellingyoucanchange,retract,elaborateordenyanynarrativeaspectat
anygivenmoment.WhichisprobablywhymanylecturersIknow,myselfincluded,are
frequentlyfarbraver,morecritical,innovativeandmischievousintheirlecturesthanwearein
academictext.Oftenunconsciouslyrespondedtothefactthatslanderismoredefensiblethan
libel.
AndallofthisiswithoutconsideringhowIwillbereadhotbyinsiders,byparents,byKaren’s
children,herfriends,myfriends,distantandcloseassociates.Iamawarethatmostwillsmile
andcry.Somewillrecoilandafewwillnodoubtflingbarbs.Understandablereactionsall,
especiallywhenweareallurgentlyattemptingtoholdonto,orforget,ourownmemories,our
14Forexamplesee,Eakin,P.J.(2008).LivingAutobiographically:Howwecreateidentityinnarrative.:Cornell
UniversityPress,Ithaca&London;Lejeune,P.(1989).OnAutobiography.TheoryandHistoryofLiterature,52.
UniversityofMinnesotaPress,Minneapolis.
41
ownperceptions,partialitiesofKaren.Alldesperatelytryingtoremainfaithfultoourown
truths.
Andwhatismypurposeinrevelation?
Inpartitisadesiretorevealwhatwaslost,andnotmerelythelossanditsaftermathastends
totypifyothergriefnarrativesIhaveread.Narrativeswheretheloveforanotherisfrequently
assumed,apparentchieflyintheauthors’heart‐wrenchingutteringsofgrief.Stories,whichas
Barthesnotes,lackanexplicitdiscourseoflovethatisnotderidedbytheauthoritiesof
science,rationality,analysisandpoliticalendeavour–somuchso‘thatthelover’sdiscourseis
todayofanextremesolitude’.15Tofulsomelybaresothatthelossmaybefranklyequated,
assessedastruthfulandasvoid–andespeciallybyCorinnaandEstlinwhoweredaily
beneficiaries inourfatedromance.
Itisalsoasafoiltothecynicismofmanywhobelievethatallpassionateentanglements
ultimatelyrunaground.Ifnotontheboredomofroutineanddailyliving,thenthroughatrophy
orthroughriftingandconflict;unlessofcoursethepartiesconcernedagreetosettleforbenign
companionship.Isuspectthisreflectsafatalismthatholdsthatallgoodthingseventuallypass.
Italsoreflectsawidely‐heldnotionthatallthingssocial–fromstrangerstofriendship,to
familyandbeyond–areinevitablymiredinthevagariesofupanddown,ofgoodorbad,of
enrichmentandofdisparagement.Willatsomepointendintears.Henceourabidinginterest
inthestories,inthemoraltales,ofcoping.
‘Andhowareyoucoping?’peoplekindlyask.‘Howarethechildrenmanaging?’‘Howareyou
managingwiththechildren?’Andrarely,althoughfarmorepertinently,‘Howhavethe
childrenmanagedyou?’Genuineconcern.Kindlycare.Sympatheticconnectionsoneandall.
Althoughnotoncehasanyoneasked,‘Sowhatdidyoulose?’Iknowthisisdonetosparemy
feelings,butIsuspectitisdonealsotosparetheirs.Forinaskingsuchaquestionfollowingthe
death,thedeparture,anyuppingofsticks,byalovedonewetacitlyassumeanyanswers
profferedwillbeineitheroneoftworegisters.Thefirstisgarlandedwithquixoticlies,with
omissionsoffact,orwiththesortoftactfulsilencesthatunderpinmostidealisationofeulogy.
Theotherwill,bycontrast,containunpalatabletruths.Heart‐feltstatementsofrelief,of
freedomshardwon,ofgoodriddance.Truthsthateasilyshatterourcollectiveillusionsof
romanceandwhichpotentiallyholdupanunflatteringmirrortoourownexperiences.Either
way,laudabledelusionorestrangedreality,ourbeliefthatallthingssocialcannevergenuinely
orenduringlybeallthingsgoodisconfirmed.Themeasureorworththen,ofindividuals,of
relationships,ofsociality,isnotwhatweaspireto.Norisitnecessarilywhatweactually
Barthes,R.ibid,n.p.
15
42
achieve.Ratheritishowwecopewith,howwesurvive,moveonfrom,arestrengthenedby,
thecertaintiesofdiscord,ruptureandfailure.
AndIempathise.
Ihavebeenstupidlyresponsibleforintimatehurtsandfailurespast.Willmostprobably
shouldertheburdenforsimilardisappointmentsfuture.ThoughafterlovingandlosingKaren
littlefazesme.I’mnolongerstressedbylikelytensionsorpointsofbreachinrelationships–
andespeciallythoseintheoccupational,theinstitutionalrealmsofexistence.BesidesI’m
exceptionallyluckytobesurroundedbyparticularlysupportivefamilyandfriends,soany
discontentshouldbekeptmercifullyminimal.
AndKarendied.Oursociality,nomatterhowintimate,howpassionate,ruptured.Was
terminalinitscorporeality,initsgroundedpractice,thoughseeminglyendlessintheashen
washofmemory.Anunendingending.Ofcourse,thatis,untilIdie.Ourchildrendie.Allwho
knewKarenaredead.Thenourrelationship–bothmaterialandinmemoriam–willbe
terminatedtwiceandforall.
YetiflovingKarentaughtmeanything,evenwhenexperiencingaformofhyper‐intimacyand
carewhenweknewhertimewaslimited,itisthatthefailureoratrophyofthingsintimate,
thingspassionate,isnotaninevitability.Willterminateatsomepointforsure.However,that
allgoodthingsmustendshouldnotbetranslatedintoafatalismthatallgoodthingsmust
falterorfail.Besideswemustalwaysaskjusthowmuch?Justhowmany?Ofoursocial
disappointmentsthatcanbefairlyattributedtothedominantemphasesandstructuresofour
routinelives.Evenifweacceptthehumanconditioniscontrary.Thatweareinnately
programmedtogetitsociallywrong,justassurelyasweareinnatelyprogrammedtogetit
sociallyright.Geneticallyinclinedtofightortocare.Tocompeteandtocooperate.Tocreate
foesandtomakefriends.Ifweacceptthisasaninnatecontinuumofthehumancondition,
thenclearlyitisthetypeofsocietywefashionthatwillnecessarilybethedecidingfactorin
whetherweerrtotheleftorerrtotheright.Ultimatelyitisthetypeofsocietythatweaccept
thatroutinelymakesusthepeopleweare.Andinafeedbackloop,itisweasthepeoplewe
are,whomakethesocietyweaccept.Ifasociety–andespeciallyintermsofitseconomicand
politicalstructures–expectsitspopulacetobecompetitive,proprietorial,exploitative,
atomistic,individualistic,mobile,thenwhatpriceenrichingrelationships?Whatprice
enduringrelationships?Shouldanyofusbesurprisedbycontemporaryratesofdivorce,
domesticdiscord,glibFacebookfriendships,strangerdanger.YetiflovingKarentaughtme
anything,itisthatyoudon’tfoolaroundwithlove.Youdon’tfoolaroundwithpassionortrust.
Getitrightorlivealone.Andasfewofustrulydesiretobesolitaryfigures,aloneorlonely,the
pressureison–onindividualsandonsociety–togetitright.
43
Badiouhasrecentlyarguedthatloveisaformofrupturethatproblematizesthetruthofone
andsupplantsitwiththetruthoftwo:
Toloveistostruggle,beyondsolitude,witheverythingintheworldthatcananimate
existence.ThisworldwhereIseeformyselfthefounthappinessmybeingwith
someoneelsebrings.‘Iloveyou’becomes:inthisworldthereisthefountyouareformy
life.Inthewaterfromthisfount,Iseeourbliss,yoursfirst.AsinMallarme’spoem,Isee:
Inthewaveyoubecome
Yournakedecstasy.16
Badioualsoarguesthatlove,asawareness,asempathyandcommitmenttothetruthoftwo,is
thebasisofegalitarianismandcommunism.Yetthetruthofanotherisalwaysmediated
throughthelensoftheselfandhoweverempatheticallyrenderedremainsfundamentallya
truthoftheself.Loveisthereforetheperceivedtruthsoftheonecreating,andthereby
encompassing,thetruthsoftwo.17Inadditionthetruthsofone,oftwo,ofmany,arealways
mediatedthroughhowindividualsarepositionedassocial,economicandpoliticalsubjects
withconcordantidentities,aspirations,valuesandethics.Thisiswhymanyrelationships
forgedwithintheheadyidealsoflustandbest‐behaviourdatingquicklyflounderasthetruths
ofanotherarefullydisclosed.Arerevealedasincompatible,incommensurate,orevenastruths
oftheselfthathavebeenassumedandthentenderedontotheotherintheferventardoursof
desire,optimismordelusion.
AlthoughasBadiounotesitisempathy,itisawarenessandtheconstructiveshiftingin
responsetothetruthofanother,thatarethekeystoenduringlove.Andshiftingincludes
everythingfromjettisoningpreviouslyheldpersonalorsocialtruths;adoptingoradaptingthe
truthsofanother;generatingnewtruthsincoupling;orsimplyaccommodatingthetruthsof
anotherthatmaycontradictyourown.Iwouldaddthat,morethanthis,loveisalsothe
capacity–generatedinexperienceorbasedoncriticalintuition–totrustanotherisactingin
yourandyourrelationship’sbestinterestsevenwhenyoudisagreewiththem.Andensuring
youdolikewise.Evenwheninfundamentalagreementwithyourself.
Earlyon,andwithoutrecoursetoBadiou,KarenandIhadthroughpurposefulreflectionand
discussion,decidedtoswearofftheroutinetensionsthatmarkedourpastrelationships–
experiencedorobserved.Todeliberatelyrelinquishconflictsovertoiletseats,nightsout,
money,andallthoseirksomeconcernsthatoftenreflectarelationshipinperpetualcrisis.Asa
Badiou(2012).InPraiseofLove,p.104.ProfileBooks,London.
16
Onecanonlyknowanotherthroughthemediationsoftheself–accordinglyegocentrismandethnocentrismare
unavoidableaspectsofthehumancondition.Thebestwecanhopeforthereforeistobeawareof,andconstructively
respondto,theirinfluences.ThanksYadanaforremindingmeofthis.
17
44
resultwespontaneouslycommittedtoforgoingandtomodifyingpersonalbehaviourswe
believedmightvextheother.Inotherwordswehabituallyactedinconstantmindfulnessof
truthsoftheother.Ifoundmyselfstarklyawareof,andabundantlythankingKarenfor,the
manyroutinesofcareshereproducedonadailybasis.Understandingfullyforthefirsttime
(andquiteshamefully)justhowmuchaffectioncanunderliethemundane,domesticactsof
another.InfactIlivedinconstantaweofKaren’simmensecapacityforlove,sex,careandcan
onlyrecallushavingthreearguments–allearlyon,allconcerninghowchildrenshouldbe
raisedandbehave(aswouldbeexpectedinanyattempttoreconstituteafamily),andall
endedinusprogressivelyaccommodatingeachother’sparenting(thechildrenlearnedquickly
whichofustoaskwhatquestions).EvenifI’meulogising.IfIhavebanishedanyminor
disputesandconflictsfrommyangelicmemories.Itstillremainsasgreatawaytoremember
asitwastolive.
Soundsabitfuzzy.Abitnewage,Iknow.Butinrealitytheconsciousaspectsofour
relationshipwereforgedintheanalysisofMarx,Foucault,Goffmanandcomparative
anthropology–allofwhichgenerateacriticalawarenessthatallexpressionsofself,other,
sociality,arearbitraryyethistoricallycontingent.Moreimportantlytheyalwaysresultfrom
theenactmentofdifferentialcapacitiesandfromtheenactmentofdifferentialpower.
Accordinglypowerwithanyrelationshipisinescapable.Thetrickthereforeistoconsciously
choosewhatcapacitiesandwhatpowersmanifest,towhatpurpose,andwithwhat
consequences.KarenandIacceptedwehaddifferent,yetoftencomplementarycapacitiesand
powers,alongsidedifferentdesires,aspirations,experiencesandskills.Andnotthoseofthe
glibMenarefromMars,WomenarefromVenusvariety,butrathergarneredthroughvigorous,
criticalexaminationsofpersonality,foundationalraising,existentproclivities.Thenwe
purposefullyensuredthatthesewereroutinelyandebullientlydeployedinthesatiationof
self,otherandourcoupling(Superman–Nietzscheincomic‐stripredandblue,completewith
an‘Iamthewalrus’moustache,God,Krishna–mighthaveallbeentemplateshere).Those
capacities,thosepowers,thatdidn’tpassthismuster,werejettisonedwithoutreproach.
However,giventheconstantstructural,public,pressuresofeverydaylifeitislikelythatour
particularformofintentional,constructiveromancecouldonlyeverbesustainedwithina
nurturingenclaveofintimacy.CertainlylivingintheidyllicruralityofRoseCottage–freein
theformativeyearsfromthedisciplinesanddemandsofservicingamortgageandwithinshort
drivingdistancetoadecentcakeshop–providedanidealplatformfromwhichtopositively
exploretheintricaciesofaffection,toacquirethetruthsandembodimentsoftheother.Andall
themorewhenEstlinstartedpre‐school.Thoughperhapsourprimarydrivingforcewasoneof
completeweariness,typicalmaybeofthosewithsocialmaturityontheirside,ofgettingitso
wronginthepast.Iforonewasthoroughlysickofmyintimateselves.Thusembracingthebest
45
truthsofKaren,evenbettergeneratingnewtruthsinourcoupling,wasasmuchreliefasitwas
arevolution.
Butwhattorevealofourconstantlyevolvingpassion?Whatgeneralities?Whatdetailsof
practice?WhatwouldKarenthinkofrevelationsintext,intheseemingperpetuity,the
apparentfactofbibliographicalcitation?ThelatterIcannotanswer.ItisnotsomethingI
discussedwithKaren.AlthoughwhenaliveKarenoftendelightedin,oratleastindulged,my
publicstoriesofus.SmiledwidelywhenIbustledourgoodfriendChristy,wearyfromdriving
fromMokateutoGreytown,intoRoseCottagetoproudlyshowhertheholeIhadpunched
throughthebedroomwallwiththesoleofmyfootduringoneparticularlyamorousafternoon.
WhileKarenherselfhadshownoffthe‘rugburns’onherkneestoanoldfriendofhers.This
wassomethingIlearnedsomewhatbizarrely,butinsomewayscomfortingly,whileconversing
withthisfriendattheMaryPotterHospiceandstandingoverKaren’scorpseaswewaitedfor
thefuneraldirectorstoarrive.
Besidesthisismynarrative,albeitoneIcouldnotwritewithoutknowingaKaren.Itis,
therefore,mydecisionandIhavechosenalessercowardlywayout.Thatistodivulgesomeof
themostpersonalwithoutfullconfessionordetail.AndtodothisinmoroserealisationthatI
too,attheendoftheday(GodIhatethatphrase,thelazynaturalisationofsubjective
assertion),conformtothecollectivemechanismsforanxious,polite,muddlingthroughlife,
deathandeveryinbetween.SocurseBarthes.CurseMarx.Cursethefearfulnessofthemiddle‐
classes.Curseme.
SohereiswhatIrevealandbedonewithit…
12.
WhenIfirstencounteredKarenintimately,sheappearedtomesexuallynaïve.Experiencedin
thefleetingordinarinessofsexualactivityassheconveyedit.Toldmealsothatshehadbeen
rapedafterbeingpusheddownaflightofstairswhenlivingintheStates.
Karentoldmesuchthingstypicallywhenwewerecontentedlywatchingtelevisionand
somethingpiquedher.Igottoknowwhenitwascoming.Herfacewouldclouddowncast.Eyes
woulddarken.Thentherevelationwouldcome,togetherwiththeangerandtheapportioning
ofblame,fromwhichsheneverexcusedherself.Althoughbymyreckoningshewasonlyever
culpableofsuffering,offeelingashamed,andattimesofacceptinggildedapologisesinsteadof
legalredress.Karen’sunrelentinghonestywasrefreshing,vitalizing,scarring.Butshewas
sexuallynaïvenonetheless.
BycontrastIcarousedinthe(moreoftenthannottheoretical)pursuitofgoodsex.Thishas
somethingtodowithmyinterpretationoftheCatholicprecept,inwhichIhadbeen
formativelyraised,concerningtheprohibitiononsexbeforemarriage.Asachildofthesixties,
aninfantofindividualismandsecularism,Irecastthisasanobligationtopursuethebestsex
46
youcouldbefore,as,andonceyouhad‘settleddown’.Acommitmenttoseekoutbetterand
bettersex,ortostayathomechaste(attimesIwishIhad).JustpriortoKarenIhadarrivedat
theconclusionthatmostheterosexualsexwasejaculation‐centric,thatmaleejaculationwas
theimplied,ifnottheardentlyassumedgoalofmostheterosexualencounters–alogicthat
underpinstheprofitablereleaseofViagraandothererectileremedies.Itheorisedtherefore
thatonceejaculationasanultimategoalwastakenoffthetable,outofbed,awayfromkitchen
benches,thateverythingandanythingcouldbecastassexual,couldbecomeapassionate
achievementinandofitself,includingparadoxicallyejaculationinaheartbeat,delayedover
hoursordays,ornotexperiencedatall(notanoriginalthesisIknow,theTantricshaveknown
thisforcenturies,howeverIwasquiteproudofmyDIYawakening).
Sosexuallynaïvemeetssexuallytheorizing.
Naïveeagerlyembracestheorizing.Theorizingembracesnaïveinreturn.
Naïveiskeentolearnanythingandeverythingthattheorizingknows(orwouldliketoknow).
Theorizingishappytoeducateandtolearnintheprocess.
Naïvequicklybecomesmulti‐orgasmicandinsatiable.
Andleavestheorizinginherwake,desperatelytryingtokeepup.
Theconfinesofthebedroomweresummarilyusurpedandanywhereandeverywherebecame
ourplayground.Whichisacomparativelyrestrained,thoughadmittedlyrevealing,wayof
sayingthatitwasakintobeingferociouslyandrepeatedlyrunoverbyafreighttrain;that
thereweretimeswhenIwasphysicallyafraid.ThenafteracoupleofyearsKarenbecame
hyper‐orgasmic,18somuchsothatanythingandeverythingphysicalcould,would,resultinher
bliss(forfunweoncesetouttodeterminejusthowmany,variably‐sourced,orgasmsKaren
couldexperience–welostcountinthemidtwenties).
UnderstandablyKaren’spassionbecamemine(asifIhadanychoice),althoughasyoumight
imagineIstrodetheeverydayworldofwork,shopping,queuing,themortalmundaneasa
colossusincertainknowledgethatIwaspartytothehappinessofabeautiful,intelligent
woman.EverydayconcernssuchasmyPhDresearch,academicdevelopment,career
networking,allbecameananaemicbackdrop.Bycontrast,however,theminutiaeofeveryday
Komisaruketal(2006:199‐225)reportthatatypicalorgasms–whichoccur‘underatypicalconditions,apparently
independentofgenitalstimulation’(p.199)–havebeenrecordedbymenandwomenduringdaydreaming,as
‘phantom’orgasmsbyindividualswithspinalcordinjuries,viaelectricalbrainstimulationbysuffersofParkinson’s
disease,andduringepilepticseizures.Womenhavealsoreportedexperiencingorgasms‘justbythinking’,‘frombreast
ornipplestimulation’,‘stimulationofthemouthoranus’,‘oftheears,lips’andsoon(ibid:3).Karencertainlyfell
withinthiscategory,althoughgivenhermultiple,variedandessentially‘typical’capacities,Iprefertheterm‘hyper‐
orgasmic’.Komisaruk,B.R.,Beyer‐Flores,C.&Whopple,B.(2006).TheScienceofOrgasm.JohnsHopkinsUniversity
Press,Baltimore.
18
47
personalandfamilialintimacies–cookingdinner,weedinggardens,buildingfences,washing
clothes,eatingheartytuna,sunflowerseed,gherkinandmayosandwiches–wereflunginto
sharpreliefasotherpotentaspectsofmakingandre‐makinglove.
ThenshortlybeforeKarenwasdiagnosedwithherfirstcancer,shebecomesohyper‐orgasmic
thatphysicalcontactbecameunnecessaryandIcouldsimplywhispersweet‐everything’sinto
herear–tellherhowmuchIlovedandhowmuchIlustedafterher(intheimaginaryorinthe
remembered)–tobringhertoalmostimmediateclimax,typicallywithintwentytothirty
seconds.Madesupermarketshoppingalotmoreinteresting,thoughanyonewatchingwould
havethoughtKarenhadtakenfaintasIwouldhavetomovequicklytoholdherupasherlegs,
body,collapsedwithpleasure.
HenceKaren’sexhortationthatIstop‘Thelook’.
Ithadapparentlygottothepointwheresimplythelookthatprecededthewhisperingwas
morethanenough,infactwastoomuch.SoIstopped.Stoppingwassimplythenexttruth.The
nextmanifestation,thenextfidelityoftrustandlovethatwehadtoembrace.Stoppingwasnot
onlyright,butwasequaltoanyotherformoflovemakingwehadenjoyed.
Andthis,inpart,isthevoidfromwhichpeopleconstantlytellmeI‘mustmoveon’.Itryto
explainthatIamunabletoseeanythingworthwhiletomoveonto.ThatIcannotenvisagea
relationship,letaloneanothercreationofmyself,thatcouldgenerateequivalent,oreven
comparable,degreesoftrust,loveandpassion.IndeeditisonlyrecentlyIhavenotintuitively,
physicallyrecoiledfromthelooks,thetouchesorkissesofotherwomen(notthattheyare
actuallyqueuingup).NotbecauseIworryaboutbetrayingKaren,butmorethatIknowin
movingonIwillbetraymyselfasaformer,asalesser,ashalfthemanIwas.HalfthemanIwill
everbe.IcannotsimplycomprehendthatIwouldnot,inthefirstinstance,cruellyexpose,
confirminthedefinitive,thatwhenKarendiedIhadinmanywaysperishedbesideher.ThatI
wouldnotconfirminpractice,intheactualitiesofintimacy,thatKarenisdeadalso.
Thewalkinggrieved.
Movingonwouldthereforerequiremetomourntwiceandlastly.Toacceptmydeath–social,
emotional,lustful–alongsidethatofKaren’s.Wouldalsostealmeawayfromthesoothing
balmoftriumphantmemory,elatedremembrance.Returnme,withoutceremonyorfanfare,to
theshoresoftheeveryday.Maroonedonthesolomundane.BereftofKarenandaworldof
memoriesthatsustain.Strandedonthelimitationsofmyselfashumdrum.Perhapsthen
shiftingsidewaysisthebestIcando.ThebestIcanhopefor.TocontinuetoacceptKarenas
lack,existentonly,primarily,asexultantmemory.Asmylifebreath.
48
Soleavemetomydelusions,mymemoriesIplead.Afteralltenandcountingyearsof
remembrance,ofaggravatedcelibacybyanerrantCatholicwhisperermustbetelling,evento
themostcynicalofobservers.Butfewseemabletocomprehend.Freudandhisbandof
psychologizingmisfits19couldeasilyclaimthatIampathologicallybereaved.Thatmyidentity,
ego,libidinalself,areallentrappedinromancingadeadwoman.Whichleavesmehamstrung
likeanunrequitedteenager.AtomisedwhenIshouldbemeaningfullyconnectedtoanother,to
anintimate,romanticreplacement.
Anewbandofcrusadingbereavementscholarsandcounsellors20nowadvocateformore
individuated,nuancedandeclecticgrievingprocessesthatreflectthecontemporarypost‐
modernturnandwhicharebasedonpersonalsearchesformeaning.Theyencourage
survivorstopersonallycomprehendthedeathandtothenfashionnewidentities,ideasand
practicesthatsomehowincorporatethedeceasedintheirongoinglives.Yeteventhis
enlightenedbandrarely,ifever,concludethatthedeceasedenrichedbeyondmeasure,made
lifeandsocietybearable.Rarely,ifever,dotheyconcludethatthelossisinfactirredeemable,
thatanynewsurvivoridentity,ideasandpracticesmustaccordinglybeoneofunremitting
lack,ofbeinglesser,ofacceptingnever‐bestasthenorm.Ihavecontemplatedandfashioneda
personalrationalforsurvivorship–fortunatelyitwasfoundwithinthecourageofmychildren
andthewonderoflivingintheirroutinesofbreakfast,schoollunches,homework,holidays,in
theirgrowthandmaturity.FortunatelyitwasthewonderofrememberingKaren.Itisout
there,evenifonlyinmymemory.
Andtheycouldallrightlyproclaimthatmovingonoradoptingnewmeanings,newidentities
andnewintimacieswasappropriategrievingifitisassumed–asmanypsychological
diagnosesdo–thatthesocietyweexperienceisnormativeandnotasurrealdistortion
generatedbythecombativeinterestsandtensionsinherentinanystratifiedsystem.If
standardbereavementleavewasnot‘three(3)days’paidleaveintheeventofthedeathofthe
employee’sspouse,parent,step‐parent,child,brotherorsister,grandparent,grandchild’.21
Threedaysandthegrievedshallriseagain.Willmoveon.Willresumetheirdevotionsas
productive,asconsuming,individuals.Sovereignwithinourfeel‐goodsociety.Forgettorise.
Neglecttomoveon.Andyouriskbeingdeemedoccupationallyprofaneinthefirstinstance,in
Freud,S.(1984[1913]).Mourningandmelancholia.PelicanBooks,London.
19
Seeforexample,Dennis,M.R.(2008).TheGriefAccount:DimensionsofaContemporaryBereavementGenre.Death
Studies,32,801‐836;Neimeyer,R.A.(ed)(2001).MeaningReconstruction&theExperienceofLoss.American
PsychologicalAssociation,Washington;Walter,T.(2005).Mediatordeathwork.DeathStudies,29(5):383–412.
20
ExtractedfrommypermanentemploymentcontractwithanationaltertiaryeducationorganisationinNewZealand
(2010).
21
49
psychologicaldefaultinthesecond.Especiallyifyouchoosetoindulgeingriefforany
prolongedlengthoftime–afiscalyearperhaps?22
AndinmyparticularcasetheycouldclaimIwaspathologicallybereavedifIwasn’t
simultaneouslysoenrapturedby,yetoutofstepwith,theexemplarytruthsofexemplary
intimacy,trust,andcoupling.IfIwasn’tsowillingtomoveforwardwithinalesserlife.The
walkinggrieved.
Besidesthisisnottheworstofit.
Notbyalongway.
BecausewhatImissmostofallisnotthepassion.Itisnotthesex.Norisittheeveryday
excitement.
BecausewhatImissmostofallisthetalk.
13.
Subject:RE:quickhello
Sent:Monday,July15,200212:21PM.
Hellomydear!
Nearlybirthdaytimeforyou–andIwillmissourlovelydinners.
Itiscoldandhorriblehere.
Sohow’sthenewtubbaby?
Ihaveusedyourpresent*oncenowveryposh–Imustsay–Thanks.
Andnowyouknowyoucanneverhavetoomanywoodenspoons.
IfIcanmakeittoyourpartoftheworldIdefinitelywillbeatyourporch.
I’mquittingworkthismonthandtakingiteasy.
Ihavehair!Nicewhenwetandwithproductatnightveryfuzzyandthickontopreminiscent
ofababoon.ItonlytakesPetertolookdeepinmyeyesandtellmehowbeautifulIamtofully
appreciatehowridiculousImustlook.
‘TheAmericanPsychiatricAssociationisconsideringmakingasignificantchangetothedefinitionofdepressionin
theupcoming5theditionoftheDSM,whichwouldspecificallycharacterizebereavementasadepressivedisorder.In
removingtheso‐calledbereavementexclusion,theDSM‐5wouldencourageclinicianstodiagnosemajordepressionin
personswithnormalbereavementafteronly2weeksofmilddepressivesymptoms.Unfortunately,theeffectofthis
proposedchangewouldbetomedicalizenormalgriefanderroneouslylabelhealthypeoplewithapsychiatric
diagnosis’(Friedman,R.A.(2012).Grief,Depression,andtheDSM‐5M.D.TheNewEnglandJournalofMedicine,366:
1855‐1857).Accessibleatwww.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMp1201794.
22
50
Gettinanewcomputerforhomesomayhaveanewe‐mail.I’llletyouknow.
Love…
(AnemailfromKarentoSandra,agoodfriendofhersinCanada).
*Sandra’spresentisaslim,slivercigaretteholdersetwithapurplestone,impulsivelysentto
Karentousewheneversmokingcannabistorelieveherpainandthesideeffectsof
chemotherapy.Thegiftcameinasmallwhitebox,filledwithcrumpledpinktissuepaperon
whichtheholdersat,togetherwiththefollowingnote:‘Foratruefriendwithtrueelegance!–
LoveS’
Thecigaretteholdersitsnowwithotherintimate,familialmemorabiliainourglass‐casecoffee
table,aperformativesitepositionedstrategicallyinthelivingroomtoinvokememoriesor
conversationwithun‐familialothers.ItsitsalongsidetheoldsnakesandladderboardKaren
purchasedononeofhersecond‐handshoppingtrips,thefacelessAmishdoll,shellscollected
withthechildrenfromabeachontheWestCoast,thethreefat,bone‐carvedBuddhaswe
boughtfromChinatowninMelbourneonourlastcoupleholiday,thebeautiful,delicate,off‐
whiteceramictea‐cupandsaucerfestoonedwithorangerosesthatIboughtKarenone
Valentine’sDay,andthephilosophers’‘tradingcards’giftedtomebyourgreatfriendYadana
onabirthdayfollowingKaren’sdeath.
TheboxsitsinadrawerwithotheremptieddetritusofKaren’slife.Withanempty,star‐
shapedperfumebottle–AngelbyThierryMugler.Withsqueezedtubes,plasticpots,lotions
longpastdue,expired.SitsinoneofthedarkcornersthatembraceandrattlewithKaren’s
loss.
14.
SittingwithKaren.
OnthenarrowstairwellthatlinksthefifthtothefourthlevelofourDrSeuss,nookandcranny,
RogerWalkerhousethattumblesdownasteephillsideinHighbury,Wellington.
Karen’ssandcastlehome.
Fourteensteps.
Sittingandtalkingoneachone.
Karenwasattemptingtoreturntothethirdlevel.Tohermakeshiftbedroominthelivingroom
withthelargepicturewindowthatframesAroValley,GovernmentHouse,thenortherntipof
theairport,aglimpseoftheharbourentranceandthemagnificentexpanseoftheOrongorongo
Ranges.
51
Karenhadbeensleepingupstairsforseveraldays,eversinceherbreathinghadbecome
laboured.Herbodybloatedwithsteroids,swollenwithtumoursthatinfestedtheentiretyof
herchestandhadbeguntocrawlupherneck.
Wehaddiscussed,hadagreedonKaren’sinsistence,thatIwouldcontinuetosleepinour
bedroomonthesixthandbottomfloor.AgreedsothatIcouldsleepundisturbedbythesquat,
beige,rhythmicoxygenmachinethatpumped,reassuringlyandforebodingly,alldayandall
night.SothatIwouldberefreshed,enabledtoassistKaren,thechildren,throughouttheday.
AnagreementIusurpedeachnightbysurreptitiouslytip‐toeclimbingupthethreeflightsof
stairstowatch,listen,ascertainifKarenwasstillbreathinginunionwiththemachine.
Karenwouldquietlycallout‘I’mok…Areyouok?’
‘YesI’mfine,doyouwantadrinkofwateroranything?’
Andwewouldkiss,holdhands,holdeachother.WhisperinthedarkuntilKarenfellasleep
againandImademywaysoundlesslydownstairsforafewhoursrest.
ButthismorningKarenwasespeciallyunsettled.Weariedbythedrugs,thepainful,
debilitatingspreadofthetumours,bytheeffortrequiredtosimplyphysicallynegotiatethe
day.Weariedalsobysleepingdisturbedonanunfamiliarbed,inanunfamiliarroomwithan
anxioushusbandcheckingonhereverycoupleofhoursorso.
Isuggestedshegodowntoourbedroom,toshower,tosleepinourbed.Ihadsetupa
televisioninourbedroomandeverythingsheneededwouldbeontheonelevel.Nostairs.
KarenagreedandIcarrieddownthesquat,beigeoxygenmachine.
Sevenminusthirteenminuseight.
Karenwasfretful.Scaredwithoutsayingbythephysicaleffortrequiredtonegotiatethethree
flightsofstairs,evenasdownward.Fearful,also,ofbeingstranded,bedriddenonthebottom
floor.Entrappedandcondemnedtodieathome.Absencedfromhermakeshiftbedroom,only
twoshort,butincreasinglytiringflightsofstairsup(seven)ordown(seven),fromthe
everydayofthekitchen,thediningroom,theotherlivingroom(theonewiththetelevision
andcomputerdesk).Theheartofherhome.
Butsheventured.
Stoppedandhadabathonthefifthfloor.Eightstepsawayfromourbedroom.Abathbecause
shewasworriedshewouldnotbeabletowithstandtheforceofthewaterintheensuite
shower.AskedAlanatohelpherinandout.Helpherdry.IassumedKarenstilldidnotwant
metosee.Thoughshewouldofferlateon,afterherbedroomnap.
52
Thensheluxuriatedinsixorsevenhoursofstraight,unbrokensleep(Iknow.Ichecked).
CurtainsfirmlydrawnagainstthestrongJanuarysun.Awokerefreshed,thesparkrevivedin
herpalinggreyeyes.Inhersmile.ToldmehowrightIwas.AskedhowhadIknownthatwas
justwhatsheneeded?Tosleepinherownbed.Inourbedroom.Inoneofmyoldtee‐shirts.
Butshewasfretful,anxioustoreturnupstairs.
Achairfromthediningroomwasplacedonthelandingbetweenthefifthandsixthlevels‘just
incase’.Iliftedthesquat,beigeoxygenmachinewastothefifthflooranditslongsnakingtube
withtheaeratingnasalprongsdrapeddowntoKarensittingonthebedreadying.
Shewasfretful.Anxious.Willingherselftheeffort.
IsaidIwouldbewithherallthewayandshewalkedslowlyupthesevenshortsteps,arms
outstretched,steadyingherselfagainstthestairwaywalls,talkingcheerfullyaboutwhatagood
sleepshehadenjoyed.Andwhatabeautifulsummerdayitwas.
Karensatonthechair,slumpedandbreathingheavily.
‘Ijustneedtorestabit,’shegaspedforbreath.
Isaid,don’thurry,wehaveallthetimeintheworld.Allthetimetotacklethefourteen,steep,
narrowstepstothediningroom.
HowhadIknown?
Afteronestairnavigated,conquered,herarmsoutstretchedgripping,steadyingonthe
stairwellwalls,Karenhadtositdown.
‘Ineedtostop.Ineedtorest.’Icouldseethefearinhereyes.
Isaid,don’tworry,ifyoucan’twalk,Iwillcarryyou.Ihadbeenliftingweightsinanticipation.
HowhadIknown?
Karensmiledwryly.Toldmenottobesofoolish.Thestairwellwastoonarrow;hertumours
tooextensiveforhertobephysicallymanhandledwithoutpain;myweight‐training,while
well‐meaning,wasonlyafaintechoofatimewhenIcouldlifthereffortlesslyinactsofmaking
love.
Isaid,don’tworry,ifyoucan’twalkupthestairswecanbum‐shuffle.Oneatatime.Thenrest.
Sowebegan.Bum‐shuffle,stop,rest.RestingsoKarencouldfindherbreath.Andeverystepa
newconversation.
53
Staironeandwetalkedaboutthehouse.HowIwasinitiallyunconvincedwhenKaren
suggestedwebuyit.Thoughtthetoiletrooms,doorwaysandspacesweretoosmalltobe
comfortablyengaged.Hadinsistedonreturningthreetimestositinthesmallesttoiletand
imagineafuture.
One.Stop.Talk.
Stairtwo.KarenhadknownthehousefromwhenAlanaandDylanweretoddlersvisitingfora
children’sbirthdayparty.Ithadhadblackbeams,orangeformicaandshag‐pilecarpets.A
generationawayfromthecleanwhitelines,coloured,texturedfeaturewallsandpolishedrimu
floors.Karenhadimmediatelyfallenforitsquirkyarchitectureandwasdelightedwhenit
cameonthemarket.LaughingabouthowInowlovedthehouse,butthatKarennowhatedthe
stairs.ThesamehadhappenedwithRoseCottage.Karenwasthefirstsmitten.Me,atfirst
uncertain,thenhugelysaddenedtoleave.
Another.Stop.Restandtalk.
Stairthree.Thechildren.OfAlanaandDylanwhohadjoinedusChristmaspast,theirfirstand
onlywithussincewehadcoupledsevenyearsearlier.HowKarenwaspleasedthatDylan,
fromwhomshehadbeenheart‐breakinglyestrangedforsometime,hadappearedtobeat
easewhenhediscoveredhecould‘simplywalkthroughthedoor’.Withoutreproach.Intoa
welcomingfamily.
Karenpassednocommentthatmysuggestionshesleepdownstairs,inherownbed,inoneof
myoldtee‐shirts,wasnowmaliciouslynegated.‘HowhadIknown?’shehadapplauded.She
madenoadmonishment,passednocriticism.Notonceinahourofbum‐shufflingupfourteen
stairstothekitchen,wherewestopped,aseveryonedoes,foracupofteaandreplenishing
cake.Karennevermentionedthatherfearsofabed‐riddenentrapmentwerewellfounded.
Thattheywereonlybeingovercome,vanquished,onestep,afteronelabouredstep,after
another,atatime.
HowhadIknown?Iknewnothing.
ThenextdayKarenwascarrieduptheshortflightofstairsbetweenthetwolivingroomsand
thenupthetight,circularstairs(eleven)tothefrontdoorbytwoamiable,strainingambulance
officers.
Carriedupanothertenstepsoutside,sittinggrimlyinapurpose‐made,ambulatorychairthat
clattered,staccatoasitwaswheeledacrossthewoodenslatsofthecardecktotheambulance
parkedneartheroad.IcouldseethejarringstaccatorattleKaren’sheadinshort,sharp
movements.Sensedshardsofintensepainrushingthrough,amplifyinginthehollowing
networkofconnectingtumoursthatwasnowherbody.SawKarengritinstoicdetermination.
54
Iwenttocryoutstop.Stop,youmustbehurtingher.Pleaseliftthechairagain.Stopthejolting
andcarryheroverthedeck,tothesafetyoftheambulance,onacushionofstrongarms.But
themenwereexhausted,sweating,breathingheavilyandbeforeIcouldgathermythoughts
theyhadhoistedKarenintotheambulance.Suddenlyeveryonewasscurryingtotheircarsto
follow.CorinnatravelledwithKarenintheambulance.Estlinwithme.Alanaandmyparentsin
theirowncars.
TheambulatorychairclatteredwiththesamestaccatoIheareverytimeasuitcaseiswheeled
upordownthecardeck.
Leavingorreturning.
Theurgetocryoutstopstillcatchesinmythroat.Stop,liftthatbag,thejoltingpainmustbe
intense.
Itrytostopmyself.Stopandliftmyownbag.ButIbullymyselfinstead.Forcemyselftoward
understandingthatwheeledsuitcasesarenormal.ThatKarenislongdead.Thatherpainhas
longsincegone.Tumours,Karenbothdeadandcremated.Thatstaccatoisnormalonacar
deck.Thiscardeck.Thatleavingtoreturnislife.
15.
Wemetfora‘secondtime’in1995,shortlyafterKarencommencedherhonoursdegree.Iwas
workingonmyMasters.
Karensharedaroom–affectionatelyandpracticallyknownas‘thedungeon’(asmall
basementroom,linedwithpaintedconcretewallsandonlyonesmallwindow,whichmeant
oxygendeprivationwasarealissueinwinterwhenthewindowanddoorwereshuttight
againstinclementweather)–withseveralotherhonoursstudents.Ihadexperiencedasimilar
arrangementtwoyearspreviously.Thoughforsomereasonin1995Ihadanofficetomyself
onthetopfloor,withadeskbyawest‐facingwindowthatcapturedanyafternoonsunand
affordedaviewofstudents,lecturersandothersmakingtheirwaytothefrontdoorofthe
AnthropologyDepartment.Imayhavebeenthe‘headtutor’forAnth101,ormyintellectual
mentor,DrJamesUrrywhoseofficewasopposite,mayhavesimplyarrangedit.Karenwasstill
marriedwithtwochildren,oneteenagerandoneonthecuspofteenage‐hood.Iwasbythis
timeseparatedfromIsobel,separatedfromanyonebutmydaughter,andhadbeensingle(for
thefirsttimeinmyadultlife)forsomemonths.
AgainInotedthatKarenwasagood‐lookingwoman,butasshewasmarriedIwascontent
againtosimplytakepleasureinthedistancedaesthetic.BesidesIwasenjoyingthequietcalm
ofsocialisingwithmalefriendswithoutanynecessaryrecoursetotheoppositesex.Iwasalso
heavilyinvolvedinthePost‐GraduateStudents’Association(PGSA)andespeciallyin
organisingseminarsandannualconferences.WiththisinmindIhadinvitedthecurrentcrop
55
ofanthropologyhonoursstudentstoattendvariousPGSAeventsandtomixwithother
postgraduatesintheStaffClubonFridayevenings.AlthoughifI’mreallyhonesttheseinvites
werealso,inpart,asubconscioussubterfugetoprovideproximateopportunitiesthrough
whichImightgettoknowKarenunderthecoverofacrowd.LikeplayingLotto.Theoddsof
winningareastronomical,indeedanearcertaintyoflosing,buttowinorloseyouhavetobe
partofthe‘in’crowd.
AndbesidesKarenhadbeenpokingme.Oratleastthatiswhatshetoldmeshehaddone.I
havenomemoryofthiseverhappening.Apparentlywehadbeeninthephotocopyingroomat
thesametimeandshehadpokedmeseveraltimesinthelowerbackwhileIwascopyinga
journalarticle.Ididnotrespond.Didnotturnaround.Didnotacknowledgeherpresence,let
aloneenquirewhyshewasphysicallyproddingme.InKaren’stellingIsimplyfinishedmy
copying,turnedandlookedatherinsurprise,said‘Oh…Hi’beforewalkingbacktomyoffice.I
hadaparticularlysoretoothatthetime,courtesyofabotchedextractionthatleftseveral
fragmentsofbrokentoothinableedinggum.Likelythenapre‐occupationwiththiswas
skewingsocialinteractionswithothers.
ThenKarentwirledmyhair.Ihadshoulderlength,curlyhairatthetimeandwassittinginthe
StaffClubengagedinanintensephilosophicaldiscussionwithanotherpostgraduate.Iwasn’t
evenawareKarenwassittingbesidemeandhadturnedslightlytothelefttowardmy
conversant.AfterashortwhileIbecameawareofatugginginmyhair.InitiallyIignoredthis,
thinkingthatmyhairhadsimplysnaggedmomentarilyonmycollar.ThenImostprobably
movedmyheadslightlyinanattempttofreetheentangledcurl.Howeverthetugging
continuedandgotmoreintense.IturnedtofindKarentwirlingmyhairintolongringlets
aroundoneofherfingers.Shewasengagedinaconversationwithsomeonetoherright,soI
said,‘Doyouknowyouareplayingwithmyhair?’Karenturnedtowardmeandfixedmewith
oneofherthoroughlymischievoussmiles,hazel,fleckedgreeneyesglintingwithplayful
wickedness,andsaidinamatteroffacttone:‘Ofcourse’.Notknowingwhattoreply,Isimply
said‘Ohok’andreturnedtomyconversation.
AndKarencontinuedtotwirluntilIeventuallyturnedbackandstartedtoconversewithher.I
can’trecallwhatwetalkedabout,althoughIwasstartingtosuspectthatshemightbe
attractedtome.AttheveryleastIknewshewasinclined,attimes,totwirlcurlyhair.
16.
AlanaandCorinnadescribetimeswhenKarenwascranky.Short‐tempered.Withthemand
withEstlinalso.
Wasangryaspartofcoping.Withterminalillness,withthephysicalpain,withloss
incremental,losspending,Futureasdeath.Withcoping.
56
CorinnatellsofKarenangrilyliftinghertop.Flashinghertumour‐infestedchestinthedays
beforeherdeath.Knowinglyshockinginresponsetoagrievancelongnowforgotten.Inalife
lessonfuelledbyKaren’sdesperationandresentment.Consignedtoapast,thoughstill
recalled.Enactedintheformofdiligentbreastchecks,completedtoreassure,asmuchtofend
offdread.
Thechildrenunderstood.Theystillunderstand.
IwitnessedKarenberateonlyonce.Aquick,vicioussavagingofoneofthechildren–Idon’t
recallwhich–thatclearlyventedfromadeepplaceofcavernoushurt.Iputmyhandsonher
shoulders,lookedatherdirectly,andsaid:‘Wedecidedthatweweren’tgoingtodoitthisway.’
Karen’seyesflashedwithmomentary,crystallinerage.Icouldseeherthinkingthroughthe
permutations,workingthroughthelogics,theflaws.Followingmywordsintocircumstance.
Herbodyrelaxed.Eyessoftenedwithacceptance.Witharesignationfoundedinaknowing
presenceofself.Equallywithinaknowing,anawarenessofothers.Bothofwhichhadalways
corner‐stonedme.
‘Iknow…I’msorry.’
‘Thereisnoneedtobesorry…
None.’
17.
‘Aavocadoapplesarta.CcreamcarrotscinnamonclothescandlesR.riceRoseCottage
IironingiceVvitaminsvinegarValentineJjamjewelleryWwashingWoolworthsB
bananasbreadbiscuitsbathS.stocksauceswimmingsummerSalvationArmysheetsD
dinnerdancesdressing–saladKkleenexkissesk.XLlovelunchlicelavenderE.eggs
EdmondsCookbookT.tamponstinstowelsF.fishfruitflowersU.umbrellaMmusic
mushroomsmilkmoviesmagazinesNNewWorldnutmegNoYyearsyesyouGgravy!!
gardensgrocerylistHhamhomeworkhouseworkhomeOovenZ.Ppotatoesperiods
pastapizzaPaintings’.
SomemonthsafterKarenhadbeenadjudgedterminating,Iaskedherifshewouldwritemea
‘lifejournal’ofherreflectionsandguidanceonhowIshouldraisethechildren,runthe
household,attempttoliveinherabsence.Theaboveindex,inverbatim,isasfarasKarengot.
Writteninhertight,spideryscriptatthebackofher2002diary,overadjoiningpagestoward
thebackthatcontainaforeshadowed2003calendar,andclearlydraftedastopicsoccurredto
her.Onthe2003calendarshehadalsocircledtheheadingsofAprilandOctober,writingabove
eachmonth‘winterclothes’and‘summerclothes’respectively.
57
SometimebeforeChristmas2002Karenhesitantlyshowedmeherdraftheadings.Apologising
thatshedidnothavetheemotionalstrengthtocontinue.‘It’sisjusttoodifficultPeter…Ijust
can’timaginelifewithoutyou’,tearswellinginhereyes.Iputacomfortingarmaroundher
andlookedathernoteswithconcernatfirst,butthenwithincreasingelation.Afteraquick
scanItriumphantlyproclaimed‘Butyoudon’thavetofinishit–Iknowexactlywhatyouwant
totellmejustfromyourheadings!’
ToprovemyclaimIselectedacoupleofentriesandrattledoff‘heradvice’.‘No’forexample
meantsayingnotothechildrenwhennecessary–noeternallytoaPlayStationorXboxinthe
house;notostayinguppastdesignatedbedtimesduringtheschoolweek,andsoon.Whereas
‘gravy!!’referredtothefamily’sabidingloveofthegraviesKarenproducedtoaccompanythe
sumptuous,frequentlyregal,roastdinnersshecookedontheweekendsandwhich,muchto
herironicvexation,weregreetedwithevengreateracclaim–Ionceratherimprudently
declaredthatitwouldbepureblisstosimplydrinkhergravysansroast.Karenwasnot
impressed.
SinceKaren’sdeathIhavetoldnumerouswilling,andmanymorepolite,listenersabouther
unfinished‘list’oftencitingtheentryof‘meat’asanexampleofourmutual,synergetic
understanding.ThisiswhereKarenreflectsthatNewZealanderstypicallyeattheirmeattoo
fresh,solookforcutsthatareoff‐red,withoutmoistblood;whenbuyingsteaklookforthe
thickestcuts(NewZealandersarealsomeanintheircuts)andalsoforintenseribboningwith
fat;andwhenyoufindagoodbutcherbesuretocomplimentthemontheircutsatthepointof
purchaseandlateraftereating.AlthoughinreproducingKaren’slistforthisnarrativeIam
forcedtoconcede,somewhatbemusedly,thather‘meat’entryismissing.Thatthisentrymy
memoryalone,orisatleastmineempathetic.Eitherway,I’lltakeit.
Karenhadpurchasedanunlined,hardbackbook,withafrontcoverdepictinganart‐house
apothecaryofpaintedhearts,inwhichtorecordher‘lifejournal’entries.Itsitseternallyblank
inmydresser,stowedsnuglyundermyshortsandjeans.
Emptyyetnearathand.Aportaleverreadytoinvokememories–true,imagined,aspirational,
clearlyfalse–withaflickofanydiscreetpage.
18.
‘Youknowyouhaveneveroncesaidthatyouwisheditwasyou.’
Karenwaslookingatmeplainly.Askingme,ininference,why?Chiding,inpart,whynot?This
wasprobablythemostcriticalcommentKarenevermadetome–inretrospectIclearly
enjoyedacharmed,shelteredexistenceinherembrace.
‘That’sbecauseIhaveneveroncewishedthatitwas,’Irepliedimmediately.
Karenwascrestfallen.
58
Imovedforward,putmyarmsaroundherandexplainedwhy.Firstly,Isaid,thenotionthat
thecancerwasinsomeforminevitable.Thatoneofuswascompelledtosufferitscruelties.
Wassimplynotlogical.Althoughitwasanunderstandablenotionbornofherlongingtobe
freeandhealthyagain.EvenatthisdistanceIcanhearhowhollowandtritethisresponsewas.
Justwhatyouwanttohearfromyourlifepartner;thatyouarenotlogicalinyourdying.
RemindsmeofanothertimewhenIsoughttocomfortKarenasshewascrying,lamentingthe
lifewewereabouttoloseasacouple.ThistimeIrepliedthataswecouldnotpredictthe
futurewedidnotknowifwewouldbetogetherinoldage,thuslamentingtheloseofan
imaginedfuturewasspeculativeatbest.Assuchwewerebetteradvisedtokeepfocusedon
thelifeweactuallyhad–anothergemthatbasicallytoldKarenthatifsheeverhadthegood
fortunetolivealonglifeIwouldinlikelihooddeserther.Menandlogic,Ishakemyheadin
disbelieftoo.
Later,aftersomereflection,IrevealedanothertruthandtoldKarenthatIsimplydidnothave
thesamecourageashertoliveinthedeepeningshadowsofanimminentdeathsentenceand
torespondbylivingwholly,fully,injoyoftheeveryday.ThatIwouldgladlytakeonher
physicalpainifIcould,butofherimpendingdeath–Isimplywasn’tuptothetask.
IexplainedthisscenariotoKaren’seldest,Alana,ayearorsoagoandshereplied(kindlyI
thinktoassuagemyguilt)that‘Ifoneofyouhadtodie,itwasprobablybetterthatitwasMum.
Shejustwouldn’thavesurvivedyoudying.’
CanItakeanycomfortinthis?
Thatifthewholecircumstancewasinsomewayobligatory.Thatweweresomehowcelestially
chosentofulfiltherolesmostsuitedtoourexistentpersonalities.
Karentodiewithgraceandcourage.
Metosurviveandgrieve.
19.
Discovered.
AfterKarenandIhadbeentogetherforsometime.
PhotographsofCorinnaasablonde,curly‐hairedtwoyearold,sittingatopapileofbooksona
longtable.Takenatabookfairheldinoneofthosesurprisinglycavernousshedsalongthe
Wellingtonwaterfront.OppositethespacenowoccupiedbythesportingTinCan.
ThephotographsweretakenbyaDominionphotographer,whoknewIsobel,myformerwife
andCorinna’smother,andwhohadstoppedustogetCorinnatoposefor‘apossiblefrontpage
picture.’
59
Itneverran.
NeverthelessCorinna’sallcutetoddler‐hood,dressedinayellowskivvy,greencorduroypants
(comicallyinflatedinthebottomtoaccommodatepull‐ups),redMaryJanes,andathickyellow
cardiganknittedbyherGrandmother(myMum,aprodigiousknitterandpavlovamaker).
Hermassofblondcurlsappearshalo‐likeasitoftendidwhenbackgroundlightfiltered
through.Andshewasdepictedthoroughlyengrossedin‘reading’abook.
Posingforthecamera.Herfirstpaparazziexperience.
Discovered.
WhenlookingatthesephotoswithKaren,shortlyafterwehadsettleddowntogetherandshe
wasexpectingEstlin,thatshetoowasinthephotographs.Standinginthebackgroundametre
orsoawayfromCorinna.Genuinelyengrossedinreadingabookfromthesametable.
Wedidn’tknoweachotherthen,soitwaspossiblymidtolate1991.
Yetwehadallstoodcloseasstrangersatabookfair.
20.
AfewmonthsafterKaren’sdeathIwasinvitedtojoinagroupofrecentlybereavedwidows
andwidowers,whoasacohorthadbeenundergoingweeklygriefcounselingattheMary
PotterHospice.
Withatouchofmorbidirony,thekindthatroutinelystalksthedyingandbereaved,the
groups’counselorhadbecomegravelyill.Althoughputintothecompetenthandsofa
replacement,thegrouphadfoundtheirdynamicsodisruptedthattheydecidedtoforgo
institutionalsessionsandsupportthemselvesinsteadbymeetingregularlyfordinnerat
variousWellingtonrestaurants.
Ihadneverfeltanygreatneedforcounselling,notbeforeKaren’sdeath,norintheaftermath.
Moreoverdyinganddeath,Karen’sterminalillness,weretopicswehaddiscussedasacouple
intimately,asafamilyregularly,withothersopenly,emotionally,academicallyforyearsbefore
shedied.AlthoughIdid,followingarecommendationofoneofKaren’soldgirlfriends,take
EstlintoSkylight,anon‐governmentagencythatofferscounselingtochildrenexperiencing
traumaresultingfromthedeathofaparent,sibling,orsimplyfromthedisruptionsofparental
divorce.ThishadprovedaninspiredsuggestionandofconstructivecomforttoEstlin,who
learnt(mostsignificantlyfromanindependentthirdparty)thathisfeelingsofangerand
despairwereok.Evenmoreimportantlyhewasnotaloneamonghisagepeersinhavinga
parentdie(althoughthroughouthisprimaryschoolyearshewastheonlystudentlistedinthe
school’sphonedirectorywithablankspacewheretheentryofacontactablemotherwould
normallybelisted).
60
ItwasatSkylightthatImetseveralwidowsandwidowersinthesharingofcupsofteaand
storiesaswewaitedforourchildrentocompletetheirsessions.Anditwasinthiscontextthat
Ifirstrealizedhowthegriefarisingfromananticipated,diagnosedandplotteddeathcould
radicallydifferfromthebluntforcetraumaofasudden,unforeseendeath.Thisoccurredwhen
Imetamanwhosewifehaddiedfromabrainaneurism.Shehadsetofftoworkasusualone
Saturdaytospendthemorningcompletingtheircompany’sweeklyaccounts.Hehadtaken
theirchildrentosportsandthensetoutlunchinroutineexpectationofherreturn.Thoughthe
depth,thevisceral,crudeshockofhispainwasobvious,Isimplycouldnotmakeaconnection.
Couldnotcomprehend,couldnotseethrough,letalonebreakthrough,thequiveringpeltof
disbeliefthathadwrappedaroundandengulfedhispersona,eclipsedhissoul.Icouldsummon
nomeaningfulempathytohispain.Nomeaningfulconsiderationoftheabrupt,throwaway
rupturingofhiswife’slife,hislife,hischildrendazed.Ofexistenceinhisorbit.
BycontrastIstruckeasybanter,almostintuitivecomradeship,withanotherrecentlysole
parent.AwidowwhosehusbandhaddiedaftermonthsofcaringincarcerationinMaryPotter
Hospiceanddespite,dueattentionwasneverthelessforcedtoleavebehindawifeandthree
childrenundertheageoffive.Shetoldmeofhercounsellingexperienceswiththegroupfrom
MaryPotterHospiceandinvitedmetojointhemthenexttimetheydined.Iagreed,almost
jauntily,anticipatingitwouldatleastmakeforaninterestingexperience–moregristfor
Karen’sresearchontheterminallyill(albeitwaveringtowardtheethnographyofthe
terminallybereaved).
Iexperiencedareflexivejoltwhenintroducedtothisgroupacoupleofweekslater:
‘ThisisPeterandheisawidower.’
AsidefromtheobviousanalogywiththemandatoryAlcoholicsAnonymousconfessional,this
wasthefirsttimeIhadbeendescribedasawidower.WasthefirsttimeIhadthoughtofmyself
assuch.HadallowedmyrationalconsciousnesstoknowandacceptthatnowIinhabiteda
new,sociallyascribed,roleandstatus.AlthoughhadIventuredtherepriortothisfirstmeeting
myownintroductionmighthavegonealongthelinesof‘HiI’mPeterandIwishIwasan
alcoholic’.
Iwaspubliclynowawidower.Amanalonewithawifedeparted.Abouttoshareamealwith
othermenandwomensimilarlyaloneanddeprived.Notmarked,however,forany
Governmentorsimilarlyinstitutionalizedsupport.Ineligibleforthewidow’sbenefitbydintof
foundationalsexandoutmodednotionsofwhoprovisionsparentalcareinbereavement.But
neverthelesselicitingsympathyfromvirtuallyeveryaffiliateoftheso‐called‘fairersex’he
encounters–includingacoupleofolderoneswhoenquired,withthegenuinecharmandcare
thatbefitstheirgeneration:‘Arethechildrenstillwithyou?’
61
Awidowerinbetterandinworse.
Isatdownandjoinedinconversationsthatrambledthrougheverydayconcernsaboutthe
weather,holidays,experiencesofspousesdying,makingandenactingfuneralarrangements,
returningtowork,thesocialandpersonalrigorsofgrieving.AndIexperiencedthesortof
fellowshipIimagineEstlinencounteredatSkylight.Thesewerenowmykindofpeople.Recent
widowsandwidowers,mostlyaroundmyageorslightlyolder,whohadsharedsimilar,albeit
uniqueexperiences,oftheanticipateddeathsofourintimates.Acohortforwhomcertain
words,phrases,silencesresonatedwithmeaning,value,truthaccessibleprimarilytothe
morbidlyinitiated.Who,withoutfussordisquiet,acceptedthataconversationstartedbyone
widowerconcerningthedifficultiesshehadrecentlyencounteredwhenshiftingalarge,flat
screentelevision–anacquisitionherlatehusbandhadbaulkedatpursuing(agencyisseverely
truncatedbythedeathoftheagent)–downtwisting,narrowstairstoherlivingroomshould
morphnaturally,fluidlyintoagroup‐widediscussionaboutsimilarlynegotiatingfraught
hillsidesandstairwellswithcoffinsbearingdepartedlovedones(wenearlylostKarendowna
three‐metrehillsidedropwhenhercoffinwasbeingliftedacrossthewoodenrailingtothe
narrowconcretepathwaythatleadstoournextdoorneighbor–thespiralstaircasetothe
frontdoorsimplywasnotanoption).
Individualscontributedwhattheywantedorwhattheycould,withmanyremarkablycandid
abouttheirlove,sometimeslackoflove,oftheirdeadspouses(onehadjustannounceda
seriousintenttoleavetheirpartnerwhenthediagnosisofcancerwaspronounced);aboutthe
tribulationsoftheirspouses’illnesses,treatments,deaths(onespousewasinahospicefor
monthsandduringthistimeprogressivelypushedtheirpartneraway–firstinsistingon
separatebeds,thenonsleepingalone,finallyreturningtheirweddingbandbeforeslipping
intoalongcoma–aprocessofseparationthatwascourageous,hurtful,drawn‐outinits
farewell);abouttheirfearsandanxieties,past,presentandfuture.
Anumberexpressedadesiretoestablishposthumouscontact.Somehadsoughtoutthe
servicesofmediumsandspiritualistsocieties.ItoldofhearingKaren’svoiceandadvice
frequently,althoughIwasn’tconcernedwhetheritwasactualormesimplyprojecting–both
containedthetruthsIneeded,desired.BesidesIwouldbesuspiciousifKarenchooseto
contactmeviaacompletestrangerasthiswouldwhollycontradictourlivedintimacy,let
aloneKaren’sexuberantcapacitytospeakherownmind.
Andmanytoldoftheiratfirsttentative,thenincreasinglyresoluteplanstotraveloverseas
alone(oftenforthefirsttime)orinthecompanyofothervariablysingle,unencumbered
friends(againoftenforthefirsttime).Eventuallyreportingbackofsuccessfulsojournsin
whichtheirwillfultravelsawaysomehowenabledthemtoreturnhomeanew,refreshedand
revivedasindividualssureoffoot,securesurvivorsofthedeathofanintimate.Thoughjustas
62
manytalkedofhowtheyregardedkeepingtheirhomesfullysuppliedwithtoiletpaperwasa
notablemarkofdomesticcopingintheaftermath.Managingawayandathome–thetwin
competenciesofthestable,mobilemiddle‐classes.
Iowethisloosebandofindividuals,throwntogetherbythecircumstanceofprivatetrauma–
whomIaffectionatelydubbedtheDeadSpousesSociety–adebtofgratitude,especiallyasit
wasviatheirmediationsthatmyownmantleofwidowhoodfirststartedtositeasily.Intheir
companyIcametorealizethatmystories,perspectives,aspirationshadthesamevalidity,
samesaliencyasothers.AndthroughtheirinteractionsandwillingtalkIstartedtoinhabit,
purposefullyandinsomewaysdefiantly,thesocialpositionofwidower.Assomeonewho
experiencedanextraordinary,iffleeting,passionandisbycircumstancejustlyconsignedto
rememberandgrieve.
21.
Itwasduskandthekidsweresomewherebehindme,probablystillonthedeckretrieving
theirbagsandotherschoolparaphernaliafromthecar.
Iopenedthefrontdoor.
Intuitivelywantedtocallout‘We’rehome’.Feltthewordscatchinmythroat.Feltthejoltof
lossthatsnagsinmomentsthatcallouslymasqueradeasordinary.
Ilookeddownfromtheinternalbalconyintodarkenedroomsbelow.
Adenseemptinessrose,wordless,inert.
RealisedatthatmomentthatIwasalone.Wassolelyresponsibleforfillingthehousewithlife.
Forthechildrenandformyself.NoKarentosurgeoffinthegatheringdarkness.Justmeand
mylapses.Myfrailtiesandlimitations.Fullyexposed.Habitual.
Everydaystandingalone.
Thenturningtofindthelightswitch.Tocallthekidsinfromthecold.
22.
23.
Dirty,seawaterbrowncloudsscuddedacrosstheWellingtonskyline.Rainthrashedagainstthe
bedroomwindowinSaturdaymorninganger,astwigsandleavessetadriftbythewindhitthe
closedpanesinthepanicofenforcedexile.
Karenwasalreadyupanddressing.
‘Ohyourup.Whatareyoudoing?’Iaskedsleepily,pullingtheduvetcoveruptomychinto
wardoffthecold.
63
‘I’mofftothehospital.Theyaresendingataxi.Ishouldbehomeaboutmidday.’Karenwas
buttoningupherjacket.Shebentoverandkissedmeonthelips.‘I’lltellyouallaboutitwhenI
gethome.Youstayinbed.It’sahorribledayandthekidsarestillasleep.’
Thenightbeforehadbeendraining,exhausting.Wehadheldeachotherandworkedthrough
theramifications,ourresponses–emotional,pragmatic,orientation–tothenewsKarenhad
receivedearlyintheday.Newsthathercancerhadreturned.Thatshenowhadtohavea
mastectomy,whichwouldbefollowedbyaneight‐weekcourseofchemotherapy.Withnausea
andhairloss.Aspirationaslimbo.
FormonthsbeforehandKarenhad,despitetheadministrationsofskinandotherspecialists,
enduredanincreasinglytenderandblisteringrightbreast.Onedaywhileatworkatthe
university,andinpainandfrustration,shehadconsultedaG.P.atthestudenthealthservice.
NewtoKaren’sconditionthisdoctorwasimmediatelysuspiciousthathercancerhadreturned
andadvisedKarentocontactheroncologistassoonaspossible.Karenarrangedan
appointmentforafewdayslater,whereabiopsywasperformed.Thenyesterdayafternoon,in
ameetingwithheroncologistandhernewlyappointedsurgeon,Karenhadbeengiventhe
news–itwasdefinite.AnimmediatemastectomywasrecommendedandKarenwasbookedin
forsurgeryacoupleofweekslaterinMarch.Thesameweekweweretomovefromourrental
homeinBrooklyn,Wellington,toournewhomeinHighbury.Managingthistiminghadbeen
partofourlatenightmeditations.Karenwouldbeinhospitalwhenwemoved,asshewas
shortlyafterwehadmovedtoRoseCottagefiveyearsearlier.AlthoughatthattimeEstlinwas
born.
KarenhadhadradiotherapytreatmentonherrightbreastinSeptembertwoyearsago,shortly
afterundergoinga‘successful’lumpectomyoperation.Forsixweeks–fromMondaytoFriday
–Karenhad,inthemorning,drivenherselfandthree‐year‐oldEstlin,fromRoseCottagejust
outsideofGreytown,acrossthetortuousRimutakaHillroad,totheradiologydepartmentat
theHuttHospital.Aroundtripofaboutahundredandtwentykilometres,withKarenand
Estlinreturningearlyintheafternoon.Iwaslecturingfulltime,sowasleavingearlyinthe
morningmyselfandnotreturninguntildusk.Mymothercameandlivedwithusforthefinal
twoweekstohelpoutwithcookingdinners,bathingchildren,householdcleaning.Karen
introducedhertothedelightsofastiffgin,effervescentwithfreshlysqueezedlemonjuice,asa
welcometreatforwhenthechildrenwereinbed.
Karenhadtoldtheradiotherapistonthefirstdayoftreatmentthatherskinwas‘burning’.
Hesaidthatitcouldn’tbe,thatanyburningsensationsshewasexperiencingmustbe
psychosomaticastheradiationdosagesweresmall.Anyactualburningwouldonlyoccur
64
towardtheendofthetreatmentregimewhentheywouldmonitorthesituationandalterthe
treatmentasappropriate.
ButKaren’saforthrightwomanandshetoldtheradiotherapistitwasburningonthesecond
dayoftreatment.Onthethirdday.Onthefourth.IndeedthroughouthertreatmentKaren
remainedsteadfastinherbeliefthatherbreastwasbeingburnt,despitethelackofoutward
physicalevidenceandonlyalittlereddeningofherskintowardtheendofthetreatment.
Caughtbetweenbelief,hopeandinstitutionalexpertise,Karenpersistedandcompletedthe
treatment.
Amonthorsolatertheblistersappeared.Atfirstsmall,clustered,waterypimplesakinto
thosecommonlyenduredasaresultofsunburn.Karenwasputunderthecareofskin
specialistatMastertonHospital,givenbalmsandassurancesthattheconditionshouldsettle
downovertime.Yettheblistersdidnotsettle.Didnotfadeaway.Insteadtheycontinuedto
growslowlyinsizeandpain.
Apologieswereforthcoming.Karenhadbeenright.Apparentlyshesharedwithotherwoman
ofNativeAmericandescent,andwithsomePolynesianwomen,askinpigmentationthatis
particularlysensitivetoradiotherapy.Ishouldhaveknownalso.Karenknewherbodyand
was,forexample,adamantshehadconceivedandwaspregnantwithEstlin,fromdayone.And
thenmoreapologies.Theblisteringhaddefinitelymasked–weunbearablyspeculated,had
caused–thefactthatherbreastcancerhadcomebackmoreaggressively.Animmediate
mastectomy,immediatechemotherapy,KarenandIhadheldeachotherthenightbeforein
fear,cryingandanger.Nascentplanswerewrestledforth.Initialdecisionsoutlined.Itwasnot
thetimeforreproachorretrospectiveblame,nomatterhowcloseathandthedelinquent
situation.Itwastimeforinstantaction.
Karensaidshewouldseekassurancesthatherradiotherapistswereinthefutureawareof,on
thelookoutfor,hertypeofpigmentation.Evenmoreso,weremoresensitivetowomenwhen
theysaidtheywereburning.BesidesKarenhadfoundanadvocate–RuthChristie,hersoon‐
to‐besurgeon–anamazinglydedicatedprofessionalandmotheroftwoyoungchildren,who
hadtoldKarenthatshebelievedaspectsofhertreatmenttodatehadbeenunsatisfactory.That
asaresultRuthcommittedtobeingonhandtoguideandadviseKarenthroughfuture
diagnosesandtreatments.OnoccasionsIpickedKarenupfromRuth’sofficeitwasclearboth
hadbeencrying.
Ruthperformedthemastectomyandtoldusshewasconcernedwhethershehadremoved
enoughmass,especiallyasKaren’sbreastwasfullanddense.Shehopedshehad,especiallyas
themajorityoflymph‐nodesremovedandbiopsiedfromKaren’srightarmpithadindicated
thecancerwasonthemove.Chemotherapywasthenextcabonthetreatmentrank.
65
‘Ohyouarehere,’Karensleepilynotedwhenawakingfromtheanaesthetic,reassuringlywitha
warm,lovingsmileinhereyes,thekindIhadseenmanymornings.‘WhereelsewouldIbe?’I
replied.
KarenreturneddrenchedfromherearlymorningvisittoWellingtonHospital.Herhairand
jacketsoakedfromthewildWellingtonweather.Ihandedheratowelandgaveherahug.The
childrenwerewatchingtelevisioninthelounge,oblivioustothetempestbatteringthehouse.
‘Wherehaveyoubeen?Wasitapre‐opthingorsomething?Youshouldhavetoldmelastnight,
Iwouldhavedrivenyou,gonewithyoutotalktothedoctors.’
‘No,itwasnothinglikethat.RuthaskedmeifIwouldattendaTrans‐Tasmanoncology
symposiumbeingheldinWellingtonthisweekend.Apparentlymycancerisquiteunusualin
itspresentation–especiallywithmypigmentationhereinNewZealand,soIthoughtwhat
couldbebetter–ahundredorsoexpertsexaminingmybreast.Youneverknowoneofthem
mightbeabletosuggestsomethingnew…besidesiftheycan’thelpme,theywillatleastbe
awareofthistypeofcancer,mytypeofskinpigmentation,inthefuture.’
‘Haveyouhadlunch?…No,oklet’stellthechildrenwhat’shappeningandthenhavelunch...’
ThemorningafterKarenhadbeentoldthecancerhadreturned.
Themorningafteranightofwhisperedfears,crying,ofanxious,embryonicintents.
Earlyonawild,wet,windySaturdaymorninginWellington,Karenhadbuttonedupand
venturedoutintoastorm.
24.
Karenatherbleakest,angriesttimes,ofwhichthereweren’tmany.Lessthanahandful.
Blamedhercanceronthevarioushurtsandpainshehadsufferedinherpast.
‘Youcan’tgotthroughallthatwithoutanynegativeconsequences,’shesaid.
InevertoldKaren.
That,whenevershesaidthis.
Ionlyheardthatmylove,ourlove,wasnotenough.
25.
ItwasmymisreadingofoneofKaren’semails,filledwithherreflectionsoneverydaylife,
study,childrenand‘signedoff’withincreasinglylasciviouspoemsbye.e.cummings,possibly
theonewiththeclimatic‘MayIfeelsaidhe’poemthatbecameourpersonalfavourite,thatled,
inpart,toherandIbecomingloversonJuly4,1995.
66
InthismissiveKareninformedmethatshe‘hadcoldfeet’.Iinterpretedthisashavingserious
doubtsaboutourblossomingrelationship,whichwasclearlyflirtingwiththeboundariesof
friendshipandsomethingmoreintimate.
Anunderstandablereactionfromamarriedwoman.
Moreoverwe,togetherwithaswagofpostgraduates,hadrecentlyattendedthestaffclub’s
mid‐winterdinneratVictoriaUniversityandKarenhadleftatmidnight,tellingmeshewas
disappointedtoleaveearlybut‘thatitwascomplicated’.
Iwalkedhertohercar.
Nothinghappened.
Iinterpretedthisasanothersignofuncertainty,doubt.OfKaren’spragmaticcommitmentto
theconventionsofmarriage.Latershewouldexplaintomethepressuressheexperiencedthat
evening.
NeverthelessspurredbyapparentevidenceofKaren’semergingreservationsIdecidedto
makeadefinitive‘move’andsentheranemailsayingthatweshould‘reallyhavedinner
together’.AlthoughIhedgedbyalsoinvitingheroutbeforehandtodrinkswithfriends,
therebygivinghertwooptionsandmyselfaface‐savingout,shouldsherejectthedinner
invite.
Karenrepliedthatdinnersoundedgood.Gameon.
IrecallKarenwearingablackleatherjacket.Ihadwatchedherenjoyingplayingpoolwith
friendsinadowntownpub,assessingallthetimewhether‘makingamove’wasreallywhatI
wanted.Hadanychanceofsuccess.Yesandmaybeweretheconclusions.
LaterattheThaiRestaurantIputmycardsontable,tellingher:‘IreckonIcanrattleyour
cage.’SoundslikeaB‐gradeHollywoodmovieIknow,butasBarthesnotesthediscourseof
romance,sexualattraction,lustisroutinelyframedwithinthisformof‘simulation’.23Thusthe
forlornarecompelledtocannibaliseothers.ClearlyIthoughtaHumphreyBogartpick‐upline
wasappropriateforthisclassicAmericanbeauty.(Anddon’tfretitgetsworseorbetter
dependingonyourinclinations.)
Karenfixedmewithanotherofherlooks,thisonefillofsteely,no‐nonsensedetermination,
andsaidcalmly:
‘Whywouldyourattlemycagewhenyoucouldbustitopenandletmeout?’
Barthes,R.(2002[1977]).ALover’sDiscourse:Fragments,p.3.Trans.R.Howard.VintageBooks,London.
23
67
Completelygazumped,myBogartesquecoolnessflounderinginadisarrayofcliché,I
respondedbyimmediatelychokingonahotchilliandspentthenextfewminutesunableto
speak,faceflushedbrightred,tearsstreamingdownmycheeks.JamesDeaneatyourhearout!
Oratleastthat’showIrecallthisproposal,thoughitisjustaspossiblethatKaren’sretortleft
mespeechless.Thatanawkwardsilence,orsomeformofdiversionaryconservation,followed
andIchokedonthechillionlylaterwhenIhadgivenuponallpretenceofsuaveness.
AtKaren’sfuneralmyintellectualmentor,andfriendtoKarenandourfamily,DrJamesUrry,
revealedthathewasalsoattheThaiRestaurantthatnightandhadspottedussitting
‘mysteriouslyinthecorner’.Realisingthatsomethingwasuphedidnotinterrupt,althoughhe
recalledthinking‘Ahha…thiswon’tlast.NotsomuchLadyandtheTramp,butLadyandthe
Lad…HowwrongIwas.’Jimalsosaidthatinpreparinghiseulogyhehadconsultedhis
personalphonebookanddiscoveredthathehadlistedallindividualsseparately,exceptfor
Karenandmyself.Hehadcataloguedusasacoupleundertwoentries–‘P’forPeter&Karen
and‘K’forKaren&Peter:‘PeterandKaren,KarenandPeter.Somehowthenamesjustfit
together–theygrewtogether,aroundtown,aroundtheoffice,outintheWairarapa…Peter
andKaren,KarenandPeter–anaturalcombination.’
LaterintheeveningKarenandIwereatmyhouseinBrooklynwhenIpulledanotherBgrade
Hollywoodstunt.JustafterKarenhadtakenoffherleatherjacket,wasremarkingonthegreat
viewofWellingtonHarbour,Iwithoutwarning,grabbedhercloseandkissedherdeeply,
passionately.Ireleasedmygripandstartedtounbuttonherblouse.Karencaughtherbreath
said‘Iwasn’texpecting…wasn’tplanninganythinglikethis.’Ireplied‘shush’andkissedher
deeplyagain,continuingtounbuttonherblouse.Withherfullbreasts,largedarkareolasand
nipplesvisiblethroughanespeciallychicFrenchbra,Irememberthinking‘Jackpot!’and
immediatelystartedtocaressherbreasts,feelingKarenmeltinmyarms.Ikissedherdeeply
againandthenasked–asanygreatloverwouldatsuchamoment–ifIcouldhavealookat
herteethonthepretextthat,asmanyAmericansshareadentalmaniaandconsequently
possessedgoodteeth,Ilogicallywantedtoascertainhowsherated.Karenlaughedandopened
hermouthforinspectionbeforewemadeabee‐linetothebedroom.
NowIknowthatsomewillfindthisabitboorish,corny,definitelyB‐grade.Howeveraside
fromourobviousattractionforeachother;asidefrommyveryclunkyreferencing,strategizing
andaligningofHollywoodandAmericanmiddle‐classdentalregimeswiththe‘rightway’to
seduceKaren;whatwebothrespondedtoinsubconscious,buthighlyinfluentialways,were
ourownpositive,foundationalsexualexperiences.Everytimeweinteractwithanother–beit
sexual,friendly,guestsorasstrangersonthestreet–weall,withvaryingdegreesof
awarenessorintuitivereflexion,filterthroughourpreviousexperiencesofinteraction(either
encounteredorlearnedviamoraltalesofdecliningsweetsandcarrides).Thisprovidesus
68
withacontinuum(socialandsubjective,positivetonegative)ofhowtorespond.Andinthis
instanceoneofmyearlyteenageloveshadsimilarlyfullbreasts,darkareolasandnipples,
whileKarentoldmethatoneofherhigh‐schoolboyfriendshadlikewisecaressedher
whenevertheywouldsneakoutofdramaclubto‘foolaround’–althoughapparentlyteeth‐
checkingwasamoveuniquetome.
InthemorningKarenwasvisiblyglowingfromheadtotoe.Ihadneverwitnessedsucha
pronounced,embodiedresponsebefore.Someone’swholebeingaudiblysingwith
contentment.Karentoldme,oncewewerereminiscentlycoupled,thatshehadnever
experiencedsuchintensepassionbeforethatnight.ShehadthoughtHollywoodmovies,books,
talesofimpassionedlovemakingwereillusions,aspirationalexaggerations,notmeantforthe
likesofher.Itoldher,althoughveryhappytohavebeenwithherandabletorecallthenight
vividly,Iwasalittledisappointed,puzzledinmyself,asIdidnotpossessthecontrolledsexual
passionIhankeredfor.IndeedIhadexperiencedthemostbizarreorgasmofmylife–one
whichIdidn’tevenrealisehadoccurred(mostprobablyduetobeingcelibateforsixmonths–
GodknowswhatIwouldbelikenow).
Itoldheralsothatmyinitialmotivationwassimplytohavefunwithanattractive,married,
RangeRoverdriving(or‘detained’asIwaswonttoanalyse)well‐heeledwoman–an
arroganceandvanitythatwasirrevocablyshatteredwhenwemadeloveasecondtime.When
theimmenseextentanddepthsofKaren’sdesirefirstbecameapparenttome.Whenshe
sobbedinconsolably,wholly,tellingme‘don’tstop’wheneverIenquiredwhatwashappening.
AtthatmomentIrealisedthatmyB‐gradeseductionandmotivations,infacteverythingIhad
everexperiencedorcraftedintermsofsexual,romanticinteraction,wasbeingroyally
eclipsed.Andfurthermorethatthiswasonlythebeginning.
Although,asKarenwasmarried,Icouldhavenoexpectations.Nogame‐planbasedonthe
norms,theincrementalterritorialisation,theexcludingroutines,ofsinglesdating.Thegaps
thatexistedbetween,thatwerenascentlinkingandenrichingus,wereliberatingand
terrifyinginthesameinstance.ClearlyIwouldhavetograbtightlytowhenever,however,
whateverwasonoffer.Havenodesiresotherthanthoseoftheinstant,ofaspiration,desire
andimagination.Andthenbepreparedforallittoevaporateinarush.Perhapswithoutme
evenknowingwhy.
Unbeknowntome,however,Karenhadadefinitiveplanfrom–possiblyevenbefore–night
one.Wasalreadyheadingtowardaccostingmeoutsidetheanthropologydepartmenttotellme
shewasthebestwomanIwouldeverknow,whileIwasstillthinking‘GeewhizzBuckRogers’.
26.
From:Sandra
Sent:Wed,Jan29,2003,10.09:57AM
69
Subject:DearPeter
‘DearPeter
Onceagainmydeepestsympathiesforyouwhostandsatthecentreofthislossthattouchesus
all.ThankyoufortheenergyandloveyougavetoKaren.Ihavenodoubtthatherlifewasboth
richerandlongerforyourcaring.IwishIcouldbethereinWellingtontohelpwiththebigand
thesmalltasksthatstilldemandyourtimeandenergynowwhenyouhavealreadygivenso
much.Mythoughtsareverymuchwithyou,EstlinandCorinna.Youpickedagoodone.
IhavewrittendownafewwordsinaformthatkeepsendingupasalettertoKaren.Saying
thesethingsinthethirdpersonseemstooimpersonal,IknowIwillcryagainasItypethem
in…buthere’shopingBigJoncangetthroughthem.
DearKaren
YouaresomissedinwaysIstruggletodescribe.FormanyyearsIhaveadmiredyourelegance,
yourgrace,yourvitality…andofcourseyourgloriouslybeautifulandlusciouslonghair.More
recently,Ihavebeenstruckbyyourcourage–couragenotonlyinfacingtheillnessthathas
takenyouawayalltoosoonbutalsothecouragetotellpeoplethatyoulovedthem.Tohave
matteredtosomeonewhoshoneso…sobrightlyisoneofthemanygiftsyouleaveuswith.
Thankyouforyourgenerosityofemotion,forteachingmetocherishbothsimpleand
extravagantthings,andfortheexampleofhowtolivebeautifullyandaboveall,fully’.
27.
‘Isupposeyouwanttohavealook.’
Iwaspuzzled.NotsurewhatKarenwasreferringto.
‘Alook,’sheemphasized.Raisinganeyebrow,tiltingherheadslightlytotheright.Myleft.
Iunderstood.
EversinceKaren’schesthadbeguntoswarmwithtumorsthatclusteredalongthefault‐lines
ofhermastectomyscars.Whichswelled,brokethroughherskin,emittingasweet,sicklysmell
ofdecay.Karenhadstoppedundressinginfrontofme.Hadkeptthephysicalityofherdisease
private.Fromme.
Shetoldmethatinsomewaysthetumorswerebeautiful.Mysteriouslyluminous,poly‐
coloured,randomlygrowing,erupting,contractingintranslucencepatterning.Thatthemarine
biologistinherwasfascinatedbytheirsomaticevolutions,theirterminatingtrajectories.Fatal
lifeformendings.
70
Butshekeptthemprivate.Fromme.Shieldedme.Reservedthissightforthemedicalgazeof
doctors,nurses.Forthelocalmasseuseshevisitedfortnightly.Forflashingerrantchildren.
ButnowKarenwasasking.DidIwanttolook.Beforeshedied.
‘Notifyoudon’twantmeto,’Ireplied.
Karenlookedpuzzled.Irecognizedherworry.
‘Look,beingopenandhonestdoesn’tmeaneverythinghastobeputonthetablecarteblanc.It
canmeanoneofussayingno.Sayinginallhonestythatwedon’twanttogothere.ImeanI
thinkwehaveearnedthat…Besidesitreallydependsonhowyouwantmetoremember.
Whateveryoudecideisokwithme.’
‘Lookingatmyteethwasn’tofmuchusewasit?Certainlydidn’thelpyoutopickawinner.‘
‘Don’tagree–youstillhavegreatteeth,’Iretorted.Karensmiledwarmly.
ItwasthedaybeforeshewastobetakentothehospiceforthelasttimeandKarenwasclearly
settlingoutstandingconcerns.Outingandleaving.InoppositiontohernestingwhenEstlinwas
born.Settlingawaytodie.
Alittlewhilelater,afterKarenhadenjoyedabath,wasfeelingrelaxedandrefreshed,andwas
sittingontheedgeofourbed,shelookedupandaskedmeanotherquestion.Hereyeswere
bleachedofcolour,washedgrey,thoughstillenlivenedwithmischief.
‘Ibetyouwishyouhadpeedonmenow.’
Ididn’tunderstand.IlookedatKaren’sfreshlywashedface,herimpishexpressionandthe
memorycameflowingback.
SeveralyearsbeforewhenlivingatRoseCottage,whenKarenwasfitandhealthy,shewas
soakingintheoldclawfootbath.Ienteredthebathroomnotknowingshewasthere,wanting
tousethetoilet.
‘Goaheadit’salright,’shetoldme.
‘I’mnotgoingtopeewhileyouareinthebath,yourheadisrightnexttothetoilet.’
‘Goon,it’snothing.ItisnotasthoughIhaven’tseenyoupeebeforeanditisonlypeeafterall.’
‘Onlypee?It’sabitdisgustingdon’tyouthink,withyouinthebath?Rightnexttothetoilet.
Whataboutsplash‐back?’
‘Whataboutit.Youpeeintheshowerdon’tyou.It’snodifferent.’
71
‘ActuallyIdon’tpeeintheshower.Doyou?’
‘Ofcourse.Thereisnothingwrongwithit.Peeisverysterile.Ipeeintheshowerallthetime.
Youcanpeeonmeifyouwant.Idon’tcare.’
Karenwassmilingwidely,withacheeky,wickedlook.OneIwasveryfamiliarwith.
‘IamNOTgoingtopeeonyou–nowthat’strulydisgusting.’Iwasshakingmyhead,chuckling.
‘Youdoknowthattherearewebsitesdedicatedtothatsortofthing,forpeoplewhogettheir
rocksoffbypeeingandshittingoneachother.’
‘Nooo…You’rekidding,noonegetsoffonpeeing…onshitting…That’snotwhatImeantatall.
Justpeeing,nothingsexualorkinky.Peeing–aperfectlynaturalbodilyfunctionthatis
perfectlysafeandsterile.’
Karenwasfrowning.Herfacescrunchingwithdistaste.Imaginingtheweirdpermutationsof
sexualtoileting.BynowIwaslaughing.ThiswasclassicKaren–outrageousandnaïveinthe
sameinstance.
‘WellI’mnotgoingtopeeonyoubecauseitISkinkyandI’mnotgoingtopeenexttoyourhead
becausethat’salsodisgusting.I’llgooutsideinstead.’
ThatKarenhadrecalled,hadreinstatedthisconversationinherfinaldaysshouldnothave
surprisedmeaswehadmanyconversationsthatrambled,discoursedoverdays,weeks,years.
WelivedaworldoftalkanditwastherollingsilencesafterherdeaththatIfoundmost
disturbing.Evenwhensurroundedbychattering,supportivefriends.
‘Tellmeyourstories,’KarenwouldsleepilyaskwheneverIcamehomefromanightout
socializing.Nomatterthetime.
Karenwouldhalf‐wake,pressherwarmbodyaroundmineanddreamilyaskforanupdate,
newscuttlebutt,astoryfromthenight.Andshewouldn’tletmefallasleepuntilIhadtoldat
leastone.OrifIwassuccessfulinprotestingextremetiredness,ateaserwiththepromiseof
fulldisclosureinthemorning.Apromiseshewouldalwayscollecton.Usuallyoverbreakfast.
Karenalsotriedtotellme,onthatpenultimateday,whatshethoughtofme.Icouldn’tlisten.It
wastoohumbling.Wasn’tright.Ideflected.Protested,pleadedwithhertostop.Shewasthe
onedying.Ishouldbesingingher.
‘Youdon’thaveto.Ialreadyknowwhatyouthink.Ijustwantedtobesureyouknew.’
Isatdownbesideher.Wehugged.
‘AndIwantyoutoremembermebeautiful,’shewhispered.
72
28.
Karentoldme,playfully,seductively,thatshewasupset.
Estlinwasatpre‐school,sowasatleasttwoyearsold.WewerelivingatRoseCottage,enjoying
thefreedomsofbeingchildlessfromteninthemorningtothreeintheafternoon.
Karentoldme,asshelanguishednakedinourbed,thatshewasmiffedthatIhadnever
writtenherapoem.SomethingIhadtoldherIhaddoneforloverspast.
Fullycognisantthatmypoetictalentsareslight,especiallywhencomparedtotheactualitiesof
ourlife,perhapsevenmoresoinlightofthee.e.cummingpoemsKarenhadcourtedmewith,I
neverthelesspennedthefollowingnaïveeffort:
Midnoonfreshments
Coldapple.Backlit.
Captured.Contained.
thefridgecroons
Chilledtiles.
feetunfurl
expand.
Sunsearing
backlegs
taut
Coolbreeze
accents
flush,moist
balls,cockin
heavymotion.
Withtheessence
ofyou.
Enticed,
73
engulfed.
Turning.
returning
Padding.
Thighscatching.
Lightshadows
chasing.
Yoululled.
incalmsanctuary
turnedwithin
sighbreathing
Coldapple.Cleaved.
Splitparcel.
Precious
essence
flowering.
of
you.
29.
Icouldfeeltheanxiety.Thefamiliaremptying,weakeningofbodyandresolveincreaseassoon
asIstartedtolookforthecarkeys.InoticedIwasholdingmybreathasIwalkedupthestairs,
insuspense,concern.
Irapidlymadetheconnections.Firstlythelinktotheshaky,fleetingapprehensionIhad
experiencedafewdaysbeforewhentherendezvouswasfirstsuggested.Onward,justas
quicklytothepast,tobefore,whenIhadinincrement,experiencedKarenabsencedfromour
workadaysattheuniversity;fromourplayfulcollusionsintheAnthropologyDepartment;
finallyfromtheintimateleisureofpreparingandthenventuringdowntowntoeatoutatcafés
andrestaurants.Fromourlifetogetherintherealworld.
74
Onehundredandonereductionsaslack.Ashufflingpreparation.Trainingwhilewaitingin
thoseeverydaymomentsinevitablytumblingtowardrequired.Firstlycomprehending.Then
engaging.ThenknowinglysubordinatingKarenaspending,astrackingreluctantlytoward
permanenttermination.AdaptedmostlybecauseKarenwasstillexistentwherewewanted
hermost–athome.Living,resting,loving,takingimmensepleasureintheeverydayunfolding
aroundher.Wegladlymadethenecessaryadjustments.Bitbybitassumedtherolesand
responsibilitiesthatwereKaren’severydaymanifestsofcare.AndbydegreesKarenallowed
ustoassist.Firstinpartbythesanctioningotherstofinishthepreparationofmealsshehad
started.Laterinannex,equallyhappytobeserved.Takingherpleasure,herworth,asshe
could.Insistingpleasureinwashingpeggedperfect.Atthebottomandonthesideseamsof
shirts,underthearmpitsofdresses,asherwontandbyherhusband.
‘I’mok.Ijustwanttohavealook.Justwanttosmellthewashing,seehowyouhavedone,’
Karensaid,assheinsistedonwalkingupthesteepcircularstairwaytothefrontdoorandthen
upwardagaintothecardecktowitnessthewashingontheline.
‘Perfect,’sheproclaimed,breathingheavilywiththeeffort,liftingherfacetohotJanuarysun.
‘Justperfect.’
Ismiledatherapproval.Atheraffirmationthatwewouldbealrightintheeverydayofthe
aftermath.InthepracticalrequirementsoflivingsansKaren.Smiledalsobecauseonourlast
familyholidaytoBrisbaneacoupleofmonthspriorIhadexperiencedanepiphanyof
competencythathadconvincedmeIwouldbeabletomuddlethrough.ThisoccurredwhenI
hadinsistedthatouryoungest,Estlin,wasnotwell.Inneedofimmediatemedicalattention,
justaseveryonewasrushinginalldirectionstoenjoythefauxdelights,theinterminable
queuing,ofMovieWorld.InsisteddespiteKaren’s,despitemymother’s,assertionshewasjust
‘peeky’andwouldbealrightoncehegotontherides.ButIkeptinsistingtothepointof
willinglyskippingMovieWorld(morethanwillingly)tofindanddriveEstlintoalocaldoctor’s
wherehewasdiagnosedwith‘strephthroat’,atemperatureof39andclimbing,antibiotics,
fluidsandimmediatebedrest.WaspleasedIhadnoticed.Hadinsisted.Andthenhadexulted,
whenthefamilyreturnedtoouraccommodationattheendoftheday,inKaren’s,inmy
mother’s,surprisethatEstlinwasdiagnosedassounwell.
ButKarenwasnolongerathome.Wouldneveragaintellmethewashingwashungperfect.
ThatEstlinwasfortunateIhadnoticed.YetIstillneededtoact.Hadtoaccepttheinvitationfor
avisit,foracoffee,perhapsevenaglassofwineortwo,withmygoodfriendYadanaandher
partnerStan.HadtoleavehomeandventuretoplacesintherealwhereIhadnotpractised,
hadnotanticipated,Karenabsenced.Wherelackwasanunknown,lurking,intensity.Todrive
pastfirstlytheWellingtonHospital.TodrivepastsecondlytheMaryPotterHospice.Togetto
Newtown.Toenjoyaglassofwineortwo.PasttheplacewhereKarenvanishedlastly.
75
Ifoundthekeys.Walkedupthestairstothecar.Startedtheengineanddrove.FeltsecureasI
approachedKelburn,theshops,whereKarenwasknownbymanyoftheretailers.Whohad
offeredtheircondolences,whohadremindedmeofKaren,ofusshoppingtogether.Asafe
placeofknown,practisedlack.Ofthenlaterreturninghomewithgroceriesgarneredfrom
Karen’slist.Anotherpracticeinlack.FeltsecurealsoasIapproachedtheUniversity,another
safeplace–thoughIhadn’tbeenabletoattendKaren’sfarewell.Couldnotcopewithsadness,
evenworsethemisplacedoptimism,ofcolleagues.Karenthenwasstillathome.Thiswas
somethingwecouldholdontoinsurety.Lookforwardinjourneybetweentheuniversityand
home.Universityaslackhadbecomeaccustomed.ThenIwasdrivingdownroadsfamiliarly
traversedwithKaren.Whenshewaswell.Whenshewasunwell,whenshewasdying.
Renderednowasunfamiliar,precarious,withoutreason,withKarendead.
IdroveupTaranakiStreettowardthehospitalwithincreasingapprehension,butasIalighted
onMasseyUniversityIwasinundatedwithwonderfulmemoriesofmyfirstlecturinggigatthe
thenWellingtonPolytechnic;teachingintroductory/medicalanthropologytotraineenurses,
midwivesanddentalhygienists.Surgedinstantlywithlongforgottenmemoriesofexcitedly
tellingKarenhowteachingthesestudents–whoweresoengrossedin,soobligedtolearn
immediatepracticalskills–wasrevolutionizingmyunderstandingofhowanthropology
shouldbetaught.Ofhowitneededtoresonatewithin,deconstructanddestabiliseindividuals’
understandingof,theireverydayexistencebeforewanderingofftoculturesexoticand
mysterious.
Joyedbythismemorymyapprehensionbegantowane.Anunsteadyconfidencefilledmy
moodandIstartedtothinkthatdrivingontothehospital,pastthehospice,mightnotbeso
foreboding.
IdroveupTaranakiStreet,turnedleftintoWallace,thendrovetowardthelightsatthe
intersectionwithRiddiford.Thehospitalwasnowahundredorsometrestomyright.I
stoppedonthered.
Lookedtentativelytomyright,apprehension,uncertaintyfloodingbackinthereality,thepain,
thefearofKarenatthisplace.Myheartbegantorace.Somethingwasn’tright.SuddenlyIwas
pitchedbacktothedayKarenwastakentothehospicebyambulance.EstlinandIhad
followedinourcar.Thiscar.IhadnomemoryofdrivingupTaranakiStreet,pastthehospital,
upMeinStreettothehospice.Nomemoryotherthanfranticallylookingforapark.Afraid
Karenwoulddiealonebecausethecarparkwasstupidlyfull.
HadIbeenworkingonauto‐pilot?Blindfoldedbydread?ForahorrifiedinstantIthoughtI
had,inthesamevein,forgottentostop.InrisingpanicIcheckedthelights.Red.Checkedmy
braking.Footonpedal.Firm?Ipusheddowntoassure.Yes.Ihadstopped.Whatthen?Iquickly
76
checkedthepositionofcar.YesIhadstoppedbeforethewhiteline,outofharmfrompassing,
green‐lightedtraffic.Iwasok.Everythingwasok.
Butnotright.
Icouldn’tshakethefeelingofdisquiet,alarm.Idesperatelywantedtostartmovingforward
intoknowingdriving.Somethingsimplywasnotright.
ThenIheardthescraping.Arhythmicscratching.
Inside?Outside?Ididn’tknow.
Ire‐checkedmybraking.Re‐checkedpositioning.Fine,fine.Yetsomethingwasskewing.
Realitywassyncingsideways,creatingunease.WhathadIoverlooked?Therhythmicscraping
continued.
ThenIfeltit.
Myleftarmwasreachingintomidair.Mylefthandwasgraspingrecurrently.BemusedI
lookeddownonmyarm,myhandasthoughtheybelongedtosomeoneelse.Ihad
unconsciouslytakenmylefthandoffthesteeringwheelanditwasnowindependently
extended,reachingtowardtothepassengerseat.
Myfingerswereclawing,scratchingontheblackplasticconsolebetweendriverandpassenger
seat.Arhythmicscraping.WhatthehellwasIdoing?HadIstopped?
Thelightwentgreen.Myhandhadstilled,althoughmyarmwasstillsuspendedabovethe
console.Thecarbehindtootedimpatiently.Iwassnappedoutofmysurrealcontemplations
andrealisedinaflashthatIwasinfactreachingforKaren.Reachingforherhand.Tohold.
Reachingoutinanactofintimacyandcarethathadlongsincemorphedintoanunconscious,
timelyhabitofbeing.
Understoodinthatmoment.Withanelectrifyingclarity.Thatwheneverdriving,andespecially
whenstoppedattrafficlights,wehadheldhands.Hadengagedthisactofmomentaryromance
duringtheutilityofdriving–oneofusinthedrivingseat,theotherpassenger.Andnotjust
whenwedrovetowardthehospital–holdinghandsinfearfulreassurance–asKarenhad
insistedonattendingmosttreatmentsbyherselforwithEstlinascompanion.Butallofthe
time.Mostofthetime.Enough,atleast,forittobecomeanunknowingfamiliarity.Anintuition.
Ahabitofconnectedness.
HadKarenbeenawareofthis?Sheusedtoabsentmindedlyrubherthumbacrossthetopofmy
handwhenwewatchedmoviesortelevision.StoppingonlywhenItoobecameawareofthis
quirkthroughthephysicalpressureanddiscomfortherrepetitiverubbingwascausing.
77
Somethingwecommentedoninthebeginning,butwhichlateroccasionedmeonlytogently
stillheragitatedthumb,withKarensmilingandrestingherheadonmyshoulderinresponse.
Idon’trememberdrivingforwardthroughthegreen.Pastthehospital.Pastthehospice.My
eyeswerefulloftearsandjoy.Theanthropologistromanticinmewaspiquedthatthemicro,
thehabitualandtheunconscioushadbeenexposedastheactual.Yes,wehadbeenclose.No
matterhowthevoidwasunfoldingasaftermath.Norwhereabsencelurkedintherealorhow
uncomprehendingandhowmanypeopletoldmerepeatedlythatIhad‘tomoveon’.Karenand
Ihadbeenclose.Closeintheknowing.Ineulogy.Butevenmoretellingly,closeinthe
unknown.Intheminutiae,theunwittingofeverydayhabit.Inembodied,companionate
routinesthatonlyaconfrontedlack,sansKaren,coulduncover.
Drivingpastthehospital.Pastthehospice.Inaremembrancerevealed.Thiswasthesortof
movingonIcouldrelateto.
Iparkedthecar.
30.
Karenloathedthejourneymetaphor.Onethatisoftenusedtodescribethevariedtrajectories
thatterminalindividualsarecompelled,sometimesfreed,totravel.
Shethoughtitwastrite,shallow,obscuredtherealities–someenlightening,manyharrowing–
thatmarktheexperiencesofanyonetrackingtowardamedicallyanticipated,institutionally
timetabled,death.
‘NotalljourneysareequalandtheoneI’monisnowalkinthepark…Infactitislikebeing
forcedtowalkacrossthedesertwithsomeoneproddingyouinthebackwithbayonet.’
IhadmetthethenDirectoroftheMaryPotterHospicewhilevisitingmypublisherandfriend
RogerSteeleinhislaconiclairinBrandonStreet.AfterbeingintroducedItoldhimabout
Karen’scircumstancesandhowimpressedwewerewiththestaffandservicesofhis
organization.
Karenhadbeenelectivelyadmittedforaweekendassessment–asortofget‐to‐knowthe
place,theprocesses,thepeopleinadvancesothatwhenyoucomeforthatlastvisiteveryone
isonknowingterms.Wehadenjoyedthethoroughrationalityofthedrinkstrolleydoingthe
rounds,bearingoasesofginandtonic,shortlyaftermorningtea.HadeatenaMediterranean
FoodWarehouseseafoodpizza,completewithbabyoctopi,fordinner.WithKarenholding
courtoverassembledfamilyandfriends.Andhadfoundthenursesanddoctorsvery
accommodating.Oneinparticular,whomKarenthoughtwascharmingbutindesperateneed
ofacleanlabcoat,askedherstraightoffwhatcouldtheydotoenhancehertimeinthehospice,
whenshereturnedtodie.
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‘Drugs,’Karenrepliedlookingatthedoctordirectly,holdinghisgaze.‘Morning,noonand
night.’
Thedoctorchuckled.PuthishandonKaren’sandsaid‘Withlashingsofgingerbeer?’
‘No,justdrugsandlotsofthem.’Karen’sgazewasunwavering.
ThehospicedirectortoldmeheknewKaren.ThatKarenwasstillveryangryandwhatshe
neededtodowasacceptherimpendingdeath.
AtthistimeMaryPotterHospiceascribedtoKübler‐Ross’s24fivestagesofgriefmodel,in
whichindividualsinformedoftheirterminalstatusexperienceepisodesofdenial,anger,
bargaining(forareprieve),depressionandacceptance.Kübler‐Ross’smodelofstaged
responsesisnotmeanttoberegardedaslinear.AlthoughKübler‐Rossdidnotadvocate
trackingthroughandnegotiatingeachstageinconsecutiveorder,calmandrational
acceptanceisneverthelesstheultimategoal(whichisjustaswellascontinueddenialonly
leadstofinaldisappointment).
InmanyrespectsKübler‐Ross’smodelintroducedahealthydoseofemotionalityand
humanismtothemedicineofdyingandlaterontothepsychologyofgrieving.However,itstill
representstheeraofpost‐WWIIAmericanmodernity,rationalityandself‐reliant
individualisminwhichitwasgenerated.Accordinglythedyingandthegrievingindividual
needstoreachthelogicalnirvanaofacceptanceiftheyaretohaveanyhopeofsuccessfully
transitioning,or‘movingon’,tofulfilltheirrational‐givenroles–oneasadeadperson,the
otherasare‐functioningmemberofsociety.
Littlecountenanceisgiven,however,todeathorsocietybeingsenselessoptionsinthefirst
instance.Admittedlydeathisphysicallyunavoidable,yetinourcurrentworldofsecularism
andresolutebeliefintheprogressiveelementsofcapitalismitischaracteristicallycastasa
permanentendtothegoodlife.Notassomeformoftransitionalphasetowardtranscendent
blissoreternallifeaspromisedbymanyreligions.Consequentlydeathnowsignalsaone‐way
tickettobeinganon‐person,forevertrappedinanon‐life.Atransitiontonothing,tonon‐
existence,toinsignificance,tonovalue–earthlyordivine.Furthermorethegoodlifeis
promised,butrarelydeliveredbycontemporarysociety.Manyofusare,therefore,condemned
todieanxiously,wonderingifwehaveactuallyachievedanygood,ifourlifewasinanyway
worthwhile;orifwehaveachievedthegoodlife,inpartorsum,thenwhywemustnow
relinquishsuchhard‐wongains.Soonbothcounts–deathandsociety–appearas
disappointments,failuresdoubled.Andassuch,ragingagainstbothseemsanappropriate
stagetodwellin.
Kübler‐Ross,E.(2003[1969]).OnDeathandDying.Scribner,NewYork.
24
79
OnreturninghomeItoldKarenofmychancemeetingandofthedirector’scommentsabout
herneedtoacceptshewasdying.
‘ButIhaveacceptedthatI’mgoingtodie,’sheprotested.
‘Iacceptedthisfullyshortlyaftertheytoldmemyconditionwasterminal.AndbesidesKübler‐
Rossisnotlinear.Youdon’tgofromdenialthroughanger,thenontobargainingand
depressiontofinallyachieveacceptanceandtodiecalmly.Itisnotaboutasimplesignposted
journeytodeath..
Karenwasnowangry.
‘And,what’smore,acceptancedoesn'texcludeanger,doesn’tmeanthatIhavetobehappy
aboutdying.Happyaboutleavingmyfamily,leavingyou,losingoutonseeingthekidsgrow
up.Ihaveaccepted…Iknow,andIamplanning,thatI’mgoingtodie,andIambloodyangry
aboutthewholething.’
DylanThomaswouldhaveundoubtedlyconcurredwithsuchagentlerage.
31.
Karenwasdownstairssleeping.Inourbedroom.InthemutedJanuarysun.Curtainsdrawn,
roomsilentinthemid‐afternoon.
Iwasupstairslounging.Bidingtime,withFrenchdoorsthrownopentothebreeze.
UndertakingcovertreconnaissanceonKarenbelow,checkingforsignsoflifeandsoundrest.
Watchingthecricket,thentheraces,thegleamingthoroughbredsofWellingtonCupday.Doing
mybittokeeplifetrackingasnormal,aspossible.Waiting.Knowingtheodds.Thoughnotyet
awareitwasthedaybeforeKarenwouldbeliftedoutofhome,awaytothehospice,todiein
theearlyhoursofMonday,January272003.
Boredwithtime.Withtheforty‐minutegapbetweentelevisedraces.Betweenovers.Withtime
elapsing,Idecidedtocleanoutthegutteringrunningalongtheskiing‐sloperoofoftheupstairs
lounge,theonewiththevistasofAroValley,GovernmentHouse,etal.Ihaddiscussedthis
previouslywithKaren,whoadvisedmetogetayoungstudenttoclamberup.Theywouldneed
thework.Hadyouthandagilityontheirside.
Butnowwasnotatimeforyoungmen.KarenwasdyingandIneededaction,ataskto
complete,resolve.KarenwassleepingandIdutifullyretrievedtheextensionladderfromthe
lean‐toonthecardeck,positioneditonthebalconybelowtheroofandclamberedupin
shorts,tee‐shirtandsneakers.Hoistedmyselfontotheroofbeforebum‐slidingdowntothe
edgeoftheguttering.Forgetting,intheprocess,thatthemiddayJanuarysunhadheatedthe
corrugatedironbeyondsizzling.MykneesandhandsburnedasItentativelycrawledalongthe
lengthoftheguttering,tryingtoavoidlookingattheten‐metredroptotheroofofKaren’s
80
bedroom,thefurthertenmetresdowntothebush.Withpalmsstartingtoblister,knees
heavilyimprintedwithcorrugatedlines,sweatingprofusely,Ibegantofeeldisorientated,
panicky–afeelingexacerbatedwhenjobcompleteIattemptedtoswingmyrightlegoffthe
sideoftheroof,backtothesafetyoftheladder.Myleftcheek,armsandchestburnedasthe
ladderconstantlyslippedsidewaysinmyfailedattemptstofindafoothold.Iclamberedback
downtotherelativeflatoftheroofnearthegutteringandponderedmyoptions.
AsIcaughtmybreathIwasstruckwithhowmystupiditycouldeasilyresultinmedying
beforeKaren.Tumblingdownexhaustedandburntontotheroofofherbedroombelow.
Landingwithabone‐crushingthumpthatwouldawakenherwithanauseatingstart.Would
causehertocalloutmynametoanemptyhouse.Tokeepcallinguntilsomeone,somehow
discoveredmyfallandarrangedforemergencyservicestoremovemybody.ForamomentI
feltthatdeathwouldnotbesobad–wouldcertainlycurtailthepainIknewwascoming.In
factafterKaren’sdeathInolongerfeartheterminal,theeternalvoid,figuringthatindeathI
wouldbefinallyfreedfromthepainofloss,ofremembering,andmightevensomehowbe
reunitedwithKaren.EitherwayindeathIwilldrawawinninghand.Thoughthevariable
prospectsofdyingstillinciteanxiety,especiallyintermsofdesiringtodiewell,withoutpain,
infullmentalfaculty,stillengagedinalifelivedwell,inloveandwithintegrity.AsIsuspect
Karendid,Ialsoenvyhouseholdcatsthatstealthawayfromhometodiealoneandinpeace.
Withouthearingthecriesofthosecondemnedtosurviveandmourn.Yetatthatmomentthe
prospectofleavingKarentocleanupmymess,asshewasdying,asshewasattemptingtostay
athome,asnormallyaspossible,foraslongaspossible,wasjusttooself‐centredevenforme.
SoIran.Ranuptheskingjumproofandthrustoutanarm,ahandtograspthespeculative
safetyofthesmall,plasticcoatedflatroofoftheupstairslounge.Missedmygripandsliddown,
spread‐eagled,toesandfingertipsgrippingontothesearingcorrugatedironrooffordearlife.
ClawingfirstlyforKaren’ssake,butinthatinstantofpossibleoblivion,formyown
increasinglydesperateexistence.
Istoppedslidingwithmyfeetrestingontheguttering.Kneeledandthenstoodunsteadily,
handsonknees,breathingheavily,sweatstingingmyeyes.Forcedmyselftotakeamomentto
compose,tonotpanic.ToldmyselfthatIhadtogetofftherooforelseKarenwouldnever
forgiveme–notthatIwouldnecessarilyknowthisbeingdeadandeverything.Morbid
humour,thereisalotofitaboutwhensomeoneisdying.Hassomethingtodowithrelieving
thetensioncausedbytherelentlesspragmaticsofaphysicalending.Iranagain,clambered
upwardandthistimecaughttheflatroofwiththefingersofbothhandsandwithastrength
onefindsincompletedesperationhauledmyselfuptothesafetyoftheflatroof.Allthoughtsof
death,pain,losswereinstantlyback‐groundedasIcollapsed,laughingatmyidiocy,before
shakilyfindingmyfeetandclamberingdowntofrontdoordeck.
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LaterthatafternoonItoldKarenofmy‘adventure’whileshewassleeping.Shesighed,shook
herheadinmockexasperation,smiledandsaid,‘Wellyoudidn’tfall,didyou?
Andatleastnowwehavecleangutters.’
32.
Ifellrecently.
Slippedonourinclinedcardeck,whichwascoveredinfineearlymorningdew.Returning
homeinthedark,fromaconferenceinSydney.Fellandcrackedmyhead.Fellflatonmyback
withmyrightarmpinnedbackward.Behindme.Stilltightlygrippingmytwenty‐three
kilogram,wheeled,staccatosuitcase.Myleftarmelevatedupward.Holdingupfromharm’s
waythedutyfreeinmockingtriumph.
Detachedthesupraspinatustendonfromthegreatertuberclehumerusinmyrightshoulder
andrealised–uponbeingsurgicallyopenedup–Ihadalsodetachedanothertendonandpart
ofmylateraldeltoid.
ForsevenmonthsIsufferedfromchronic,ongoingpainanduseimpairmentasIbattledthe
heedlessbureaucracyoftheAccidentCompensationCommission,whoclaimedintheir
institutionalwisdom(theydo,afterall,routinelywarnustotakepreventivecarearoundthe
home)thatwhatIwasexperiencingwaslittlemorethana‘previousconditionrendered
symptomatic’.LeavingmetoponderhowIcouldhavebeensoblaséaboutmydetached
tendoninthepast.Especiallywhenplayingtennisandbadmintonwithoutanysymptomsor
pain–otherthanthoseincurredinregularlylosing.
Sleepatthattimeofnecessityinvolvedpre‐beddosesofCodine,Voltaren,Panodol,Zopiclone
andanelaborateconfigurationofsupportivepillowsformyrightarm,allofwhichfacilitated
sleeponmyuninjuredleft.However,aftersomemonthsthephysicalpressure,andfranklythe
boredom,ofsleepingthiswayprovedtoomuch.IarrangedmyselfasbestIcouldtosleepon
myright.Fellquicklyintoadeep,exhausted,butfitfulsleepthroughwhichIdreamtthatthe
supportivepillowsproppedupbehindmybackwereKarensnugglingupasshealwayshad.
Therealityofherpresence,mediatedfantasticallythroughthephysicalpressureofthe
pillows,wasstartling,electrifying,confusing.Exposedinthecandid,thedepthofmylonging.
Inmyrestlessdream‐statemyrationalmindknewIwascaughtbetweentheferventhopethat
Karenhadreturnedandasaneneedtocomprehendtheactualityofmysituation.Idesperately
attemptedtowakeup.YetallthetimeIcouldn’tunderstandwhyKarenwasn’twrappingher
armsaroundme.Betterstill,whywasn’tshegettingfrisky?
WhenIfinallyawokeIquicklyrealisedthatIhadfamouslydupedmyself.AsIlayinthedark
breathingheavily,orientatingmyselftothedarkandtherealitiesofmywakefulness,Ithought
82
howequallysplendidanddisturbingwasmylonelinessforKaren.Arecklessyearningthat
couldmanifestinwaysthatwereintense,piercing,astonishingandcruelinthesamemoment.
Ialsorealisedyetagainthatthisentiretyofconflicting,yetcongruent,partswasmyguiding
reality.Myknowing.Mytruth.Ashiftingofenduringlove,perpetualloss.Aconstantparallaxof
desireandreality.Schizophrenicintimeandemphasis.Obstinatelywarped,stretched,
constricted,deceivedbymemory.Renderingawhole,neverafull,portraitofamaninloving
despair.
33.
Ihavenevershirkedgrief.
Neverrecoiledfromsadness.
Neverrunfromthepain.Howeverimmense,darkorunrelenting.
Thoughthishasnothingtodowithpersonalfortitude.Involvesnocourage.Noheroismonmy
part.Ratheritstems,inpart,fromalong‐heldpragmaticawareness,afatalismeven–onethat
manyofusshare,butfewindoctrinatedinthepursuitofthegoodlifecaretoconcedeis
normative–thatlife,nomatterhowwellcrafted,howidyllicorwonderfulinitsmoments,will
necessarilyincludepain.Thevicissitudesofagingaloneguaranteethis.Asdotheinevitable
mutations,illnessesandmortalityofalllivingthings.Inessencethenweareallnaturally
predisposedtowardpain.
Toliveistocertainlyexperiencepain,asitistopotentiallyexperiencejoy,boredom,anger,
frustration,lust,desireoranyothersocio‐emotionalresponse.Althoughofallhuman
experiences,onlylife,deathandpainareinevitable.Weareallborninpain,inphysical,
environmental,emotionalrupture,andasanyofuscanexpireatthatfoundationalmoment,
somewillexperienceonlyhurtbeforetheydie.Painasasumlife.Anaturalreckoningthat
successivesocieties,markedbystratificationandterritorialisation,haveonlyaddedtoby
privilegingthefewandindoingsocondemningthemasstolives–someshort,somelong–
brandedinenduringdeprivationandpain.
Neverthelesspainthatisunavoidable,thatisirreversible,whichemergesfromthelossofa
good–suchasthedeathofatruthfullylovedone–shouldbeembracedandvalued.Not
merelyasanechooraconverseofwhatwaslost.Butasarespectedextensionofthegood,asa
worthwhileendeavourinitsownright.Aspartoftheprivilegeofanexperiencedgood.As
goodpain.Griefaslove.
Byembracing,celebrating,evenpursingsuchpain,wearefirstlyenabledtoacceptthe
necessityoflossandconsequenthurt.Butmorethanthiswearecautionedaboutinvestingin
andacceptingsecond‐best,lessthangood,inoureveryday.Directedinsteadtowardensuring
83
thatourbirths,lives,deathsareworththeinevitablepainthatwillfollow.Andlikewiseare
admonishedagainstwallowinginsecond‐rateformsofavoidance,mitigationandescapism.
Butweliveinperversetimes.Timeswhenformanytheoriginalpainsofbirtharequickly
surpassedbyevenmorevexingexperiences.Byman‐made,knowinglymanufacturedhurtand
suffering.Bystructuredpain.Timeswherewesystemicallybuildonthefoundationsofprimal,
diseasedanddegenerativepaintoactivelycreatetheroutinesofpoverty,coercionand
inequity.Wherewewilfullyensuretherearevastlymorelosersthanwinners,whateverthe
Lotto,Warehouse,Nikeadvertsloudlyproclaim.
Atthesametimeedicts,promotions,mantrasofthe‘goodlife’dominateournoise‐scapes.And
happiness–perpetual,progressive,all‐encompassing–isinstitutionallycastastheprimary
measureofindividualworthorsuccess.Iscalculateddailyinsmallblessings,infragmentsof
pleasurethatfallfromthegrind.BytotingupFacebooklikes.Baskinginthepleasuresofnew
smartphoneapps,seasonalfashionstatementsandincyclicalroundsofthespectacular,from
theOlympicstoWearableArtsandannualcoffeebaristachampionships.Andthrough
ubiquitousassertionsthat‘aslongastheyarehappy’,everythingisalright.Iscontent.
Calculatedso,evenasthemassarecompelledtobehabituallyunhappy,eitherintheabsolute
orintherelative.Arestructurallyobligedtostruggle,toexperience,re‐experiencerecurrent
pain.Toleadunrewardedandunsuccessfullives.Thentheydie.
Andwherepain–fleetingorchronic,momentaryorcomplete,emotionalandsocial–is
pathologized.Manufactured.Everydeviation,nomatterhowminuteorinsignificant,fromour
constantlyshifting,fashion‐fadishconstructsofperfectionareproblematized.Commodified.
Areprofitablytreatedwithamyriadofinterventionalpotions,pills,therapiesandsurgeries.
Individuated.Adoublebindforthestructurallyunhappy,whocanonlyblamethemselves.
Birth,aging,disease,death,allthenaturalindignations,allthenaturalpains,aresweptupin
thismaelstrom.Aremeasuredagainstanillusorynormalcyofperpetualcontentment,constant
happiness,ofzerosumhurt.Agrotesquefantasythatleavesmostofusstrandedonthe
precipicesofpermanentanxiety.Ofnevergettingitquiteright.Ofbeingfoundpersistently
wanting.Ill‐fated.Condemned.Denounced.
Andtheguilelesssadnessthatresultsfromthebreak‐upofavaluedrelationshipistreated
withabatteryofchemicalinterventionsandconfessionalcounselling.Depression,whichis
surelyattimesawarranted,reasonableandpotentiallyastuteresponsetotheenduring
privationsofone’slife,isregardedasinherentlyaberrantandthoroughlyscrubbedinaneffort
torestorecontentment.Andthepersistentgrief,bornofirreversible,irremediableloss,is
brandedasdetrimental.Isindirectcontraventionoftheaspirationalwisdomofthree‐days’
bereavementleaveand‘TradeYourself’exhortationstowww.findsomeone.co.nz.
84
SuchistheawarenessofacynicaloldMarxist‐cum‐anthropologist.
Althoughmyoutlook,whicheffectivelyamountstowhollyembracingthepainandgriefof
Karen’sillness,deathandanaftermathofunremittingabsence,stemsmostlyfromanother
verysimple,verygroundedtruththatlikewiseemergesfromtheinevitabilityofpain.Thatis
nomatterwhat.Nomatterhowyouduckanddive.Joke,deflect,deny,accentuatethepositives.
Practiseorfeignstoicism.Whetheryoustaggeraboutinobscuringglosses.Orstretchoutin
theself‐assuring,yetuncomfortable,truththatmanyarefarworseoffthanyourself.
Nomatterwhat.
Painandgriefwillhuntyoudown.
Willatsomepointhityouhard.Willrainblowstoyourmidriff,cutyouoffattheknees,bash
youaroundtheheaduntilyouaresenseless,outofbreath,knockeddown,sprawledonthe
groundhurting,bewilderedinthedark,wonderingwhy?Desperatelysearchingforany
meaning,anymorality,anycauseandeffectthatexplainswhy.Whythisrealityaboveallelse?
Searchingforalogicthatjustifiesthemust.
MymostobviousexperienceofthiswasthemomentKarendied.AlthoughKaren’sdeathwas
anticipated–shehadbeendiagnosedasterminaljustoverayearprevious.Andwehad
endureddryruns.Practice.Hundredsofsmalldeathsinfollowingtheoscillatingfortunesof
Karen’sillnessandtreatment.Acoupleof‘near‐misses’inthemonthsbefore.Karen’sdeath.
Theinviolatetyrannyoflack.Viciousnon‐existence.Revealedavoidfromwhichtherewasno
respite.Nocompromises,leeway,nothing.Nobeginning,dimensionorend.Adominion
absolute.Boundlessnothingnessthatbrokerednonegotiation,bargaining,denialsor
compromise,imperiousinitsdisinterest.Whichwasvoid.Withnothingtograspholdof,to
orientate,butaninvocationofpaininaustererage.All.Entire.
MyonlyrecollectionofpainanywherethisintenseoccurredwhenKarenhadanamniocentesis
priortoEstlin’sbirth.Iwasunfazedbythelargeneedlepuncturedintoherwomb.Hadseen
bonesrippedthroughmyskininthepast.Hadcoped.HoweverIcouldn’tdealwiththepain
torturingacrossKaren’sface,especiallyasIwasnotallowedtomove.Confinedtoknowingly
ineffectualwordsofcomfort.Ialmostfaintedthen.Butifthatwasintense,thenthepainatthe
momentofKaren’sdeathwasfundamental,primal,archetype.Therewasnothing.NoKaren.
Nohopeofredress.Nomitigatingfutures.Imaginaryrespites.
Exceptofcoursetherewas.Therewasfamily,thechildren,theirpain,theirdistressandthis
pulledmebackfromtheedge.Theyneededcomfort.Theygavecomfortinkind.Andthen
therewasKaren’scorpse.Lifelessbutwithaesthetic.Memory,eulogizingkickedinquickly.I
askedeveryoneifIcouldhaveafewmomentsalonewithKaren.Icriedagain.ToldKarenof
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mypain.Toldherhowwellshehaddied.Attemptedtotidyherup.Evenasacorpse,Iknew
Karenwouldwanttolookaspresentableaspossible.Ikissedhertenderly.Wipedherface
withadampcloth,buthadnotanticipatedhowheavyherhead,whichwasslumpedtoone
side,was.Thenursescamein.ItoldthemthatIwastryingtomakeKarenup.Theysaidthey
woulddoit.AndIknew.Astheyknew.ThatIdidn’thavethestrengthenrequiredtohandle
Karen’slifelessbody.
AndwehadpractisedKaren’sdeath.Thiswasnounanticipatedaccident,nosuddenheart
attack.Nosudden,bewilderingdeath.Nolifeasyouknowitchangingirrevocably.Karen’s
deathwasanticipated,predicted,practicedandstillthepain,theshock,thegriefranmeover
withoutbreakingstride.Withoutacknowledgement,anytippingofhatsornodsofaccession.I
wasnothinginthenothingnessofdeath.
Andwehadpracticedthisalso.OncememorablywaswhenKarenwasinhospitalonNew
Year’sEveandIwashomealoneasCorinnaandEstlinwerevisitingtheirgrandparentsin
Waikanae.ThedaybeforeKarenhadreactedverybadlytodrugsgiveninthecourseof
drainingfluidfromtheliningofherlung.Shehadlookedsoill,sofrailthatIfullyexpecteda
callinthemiddleofthenightaskingmetoreturninhasteoroneinformingthatKarenhad
diedandseekinginstructionontheremovalofhercorpse.Thenextmorninghavingendureda
nightofrestless,anxioussleepwereturnedtothehospitalinrisingtrepidation,pronounced
dread–fullyexpectingKarentobeinanevenworsestate.
Yetshewassittingupinbed,perky,chattytoseeusall,asthoughnothinguntowardhad
occurred.Andtoherithadn’t.Karencouldonlyrecallbeingfatigued,nauseousandthenfalling
asleep.Moreoverwithachangeinmedications,oracorrectionindosage,Karenhadquickly
ralliedandwasnowtellingusofhernight‐timeadventures.Howshehadbeenunsuccessfulin
attemptingtosummonanursetochangehersweat,blood‐drenchedsheets.Hadsetoffdown
thecorridorwithIVdripintowuntilshefoundthelinenstore.Whereshehadhelpedherself
tocleansheets,afreshgown,andanadditionalpillowforgoodmeasure.Thenafterremaking
herbed,hadleftthesoiledlinedinapileoutsideherdoortomakeapoint.Alsotoldusthe
foodwastrulyawfulandthatshe–andthekids–deservedamorningtreat.Accordingly
CorinnaandEstlinweredispatched,cashinhand,tofind‘aMcDonald’soracakeshop’.
IntheirabsenceKarenaskedmewhyIhadlookedstressedonarrival.Itoldherofhowillshe
wasyesterdayevening.Ofmynight‐timefears.Mynowoverwhelmingreliefthatshewasok–
evenifonlyforthemoment–andofmygrowingawarenessofherregressivephysical
degeneration.Karenjustsmiled,gavemeahugandakiss:‘ButI’mdoingoknowandthat’s
whatwemustn’tlosesightof.Weneedtokeepfocusingontheok.Keeplivinglifeasnormally
aspossible,nomatterhowthingsunfold.’
86
LaterthatdaythechildrenwentuptoWaikanaeandIfoundmyselfathomealoneafter
stayingwithKarenuntiltheendofvisitinghours.HadnotevenrealiseditwasNewYear’sEve
untilIturnedonthetelevisionandIwassittingcontemplatingwhatthefuturewouldhold–
Karen’sincreasingincapacitation,howwecouldconstructivelyaccommodatethisinourDr
Seusshouse,hereventualdeath,andanaftermathoftwoyoungchildren.NoKaren.Wehad
talkedalittleaboutwhattheaftermathcouldbe–KarenoncegivingmeafrostyglarewhenI
casuallymentionedremarrying:‘No...Therewillbenomarryinganyone.Infactnodatingforat
leastthreeyears.’ShelatertoldAlanasheexpectedaminimumoffiveyears.Ihadalways
admiredKaren’sdirectness,eveninacontextofjealousyintheimaginaryshewassimply
assertingwhatshethoughtourrelationship,herlove,wasworth.HoweverthatnightIwas
thinking‘Sothisiswhatmylifewillbelike.Athome,alone.NoKaren.Drinkingtastelessbeer
andwatchinginanetelevision.Couldbeworse.TherecouldhavebeennoKareneverandthen
whatwouldIbeleftwith?’
YetbravadoonlytakesyousofarandtheenormityofwhatI,thechildren,Karenwereaboutto
losebegantocrushandsqueeze.Istartedtocry.Notgreatheavingsobsorloudwailing,but
withtearsthatflowedplaininaseamlessnessofunabateddespairandgrief.Tearsthatare,in
suchmoments,sumyou.Iwaswipingmyeyeswhenthephonerang.Ipickeditimmediately
thinkingitwasthehospital.
‘Hibabe,thoughtI’dgiveyouacall.’
Instantly,amidstoverwhelmingrelief,Iwastransportedbacktowhenwefirstcourted.When
Karenwasstillmarriedto,livingwith,someoneelse.Whenshewould‘sneakout’inthenight,
rideherbiketoanearbypublicphonetocallme.WhenIhadthesamedirectresponse.An
unanticipatedmixofimmensereliefthatKarenwasokay(withoutuntilthemomentever
beingawareofthedepth,therepression,ofmyconcern)andanillumininghappinessatsimply
talking–asimilarelationexperiencedwheneverIserendipitouslyspiedKarenhip‐swinging
aroundtheuniversity.
IknewatthismomentthatIwouldsurviveKaren’sdeath,theaftermath,anything,asallIhad
todowaslistenoutforhervoice.
And,whatismore,itdidn’tmatterifitwasauthenticorsimplymyownmournful,eulogizing
rendition.Didn’tmatterifitwastruthfulorareconfiguredmemory.ItwouldbeKareneither
way.Thatthiswasatruthinitsownright.
Nomatterwhatthepain.Whateverthegrief.Karenwasmygood.
Hencemyfatalisticlogicthatthemultitudeofnaturalindignations,naturalpainsofnatureare
unavoidable.Areroutinelyaddedtobyvariousman‐madelunacies.Yetpainisstillnot
87
problematicperse.Neednotbeavoidedatallcosts.Ratherpainshouldbeattendedtoinits
specifics.Relievedwherepossible–afterallsittingonasharpstickcanbereadilyredressedby
simplystandingup.Justasendemicdeprivationcanbepermanentlyovercomewitha
structuralrevolution.
However,whenunavoidableandman‐made.Suchaswhenalovedonediesandcanonlyexist
throughthepallidmachinationsofmemoryandremembrance.Thispainshouldbeengaged.
Factoredin.Livedasnormal.
Notthatpainwillalwaystrackalongtheroutine–atleastnotgriefpain.
TheshockofKaren’sphysicaldeath,ofhercompletelack,leftmedazed.Outofsyncwithlife.
Insomewaysitwassimilartofeelingsinvokedwhenfallinginlove.Whenfirstenrapturedby
thetruthsofanother,whentheumbilicaljoyofthefirst,primalembracebothtranscends,and
yetfocusesinsharprelief,thebanalofeverydayexistence.Inwhicheverythingfrom
saccharinepopsongstothesmallestgesturesofkindness,afriendlyhandonyourshoulder,a
kindlyglancefromapasser‐by,witnessingotherssharingajoke,aresuddenlybrimmingwith
evocativehumanmeaning.Withexigentsignificance.Nolongermiredinroutine,inthevain
protocolsofhabit.Butprofound,urgent,gregarious.
Asfeelingsofloveareonestepabovethebanal,theshockandtraumaofdeathgriefareone
vaststeptotheside.Parallelbutincommensurate.Incompatible.Theeverydaybabblesaround
youinmasquerade.Milkcartonsdewinfridgesthathumatthebackofcornerdairies.Bus
stopsemptyandalight.Officeelevatorsinhaleandexhaleinmuddling.Andallwithoutany
reference,withoutanyacknowledgementofyourpainorloss.Withoutsocialorculturalrituals
–nomourninggarborfacesrubbedinashenwhite–tosymbolicallymarkthegrieving,the
youinpain,theyouingriefarereducedtotheinconsequential.Thedetached.Walkinggrieved.
Inoursocietythedailyritualsofcommerce,occupationandcivilindifferencearethenorm,are
routinesunfettered,uniforminhabitandcoerciveindisapprovingofany,ofall,ruptureor
discontent.Andsothegrievedaresimultaneouslyforcedadriftintobewilderingworldsoflack
andirredeemableloss,andconstantlyfearfulofbeingcaughtoutswimmingagainstthetide.
Scaredthatsomeone,two,agatheringwillseethroughtheirfaçadesofwalking,talking,
scufflinginsupermarketqueues.Willpoint.Howl.Lighttorches.Willcastigateyouas
abnormal.Aberrant.Outofstep.Outed.Thewalkinggrievedtobecorralled,shippedoff.
Securedsafelyawayfromthegoodtimes.Behindcloseddoors,weeping.
Lestweallremember.Allreflect.Introspect.
Andcry.
88
Lifeasyouknowitdoesn’tendwiththeanticipateddeathofacherishedother.Lifeasyou
knowitalreadyhasdeathforecast.Pain,grief,theaftermathawaited,practiced.Althoughin
manywaysitwouldbegreatifitdid.Toloseeverythingcompletely.Tobeforcedtoreinvent,
inentirety,alife,wouldbeterrifying.Thoughthechancetorefresh,reinvigorateanewwould
undoubtedlyfocusthemind.Wouldforciblybestgriefwiththenovel,thepossible,the
immediate.Ratherlifeasyouhaveliveditcontinuesasamuffledecho.Afaintnonsense
trundlingonwithaninevitabilitythatattimesistrulygalling,absurd.Apauperwithno
clothescheeredonbykingsapplauding.
Andthecrudepain,theviolentagonythatroutseverystep.Everygesture.Thesimple
mechanicsofbreathing.Arerenderedinvisible.Fantastical.Notreal.Notimportant.So
pervasivelysothatyousoonbegintodoubtyourself.Suspectyoursanityofdeathandgrief.
Starttoquestionlifebefore.Whatis,whatwas,thetrueworth?Yoursortheirs?Whoisreal?
Youorthem?Untilthatisaknownfriend,atrustedassociate,closefamilygrieveswithyou.
Thenthepainrushesin.Inundatesasonly,ashonestrealityinthemaking.Andthestability,
rationality,reasonablenessofyourgriefismercifullyasserted.Whenallthatisgoodhurts,asit
must.
Ialsoexperiencednumerousawkward,affrontingmoments,inwhichIfoundmyselfsuddenly,
withoutwarningorconsent,pitchedintoformsofterritorialdisputewithliminalothers.Who
knewKaren,oftenasauniversitycolleague,butwhodidnotknowme.OtherthanthatItoo
workedattheuniversity.WasKaren’spartner.Peoplewhohadonlyeverfleetingly,orindeed
hadnever,engagedwithusasacouple.Whowouldtellmeoftheirpain,oftheirKaren.Ofwho
shewas.Notcouched,notsituatedincontext,butoftendisconcertinglyastotalising
statementsoffact.‘Karenwas…suchandsuch.’Or‘Karenwouldalways…suchandsuch’.
Assertionsthatappearedasaformofterrainstamping.
Iwasneversureofmyroleintheseencounters.Wasittovalidate?Enhancewithadditional,
pertinentrecollections?Ortocontestwhenevertheirvisionsappearedtomeslight,partialor
self‐servinginthetelling?Isimplyassumedthepersonaofanoddingsoundingboardand
whenofferedsympathy,acceptedthiswithgraceandcivility.Afterall,whowasItoknow
themknowingKaren?BesidestheydidnotknowmeknowingKaren.
Others,especiallywomenwhomKarenknewthroughtheconnectionsofchildrenatthelocal
primaryschool,wereeasier.Theyrecognisedmeashusbandandasfatherwhendropping
EstlinatschoolaweekorsoafterKaren’sdeath.Aweeklikewiseafterthestartoftheschool
yearwhenstragglerswerereturningfromextendedmiddle‐classholidays.UnawareofKaren’s
passingtheywouldtentativelyapproach,enquire,thenplainlycollapseintearsanddespair.At
leastIsharedafidelitywiththespontaneoustruthoftheirpainandcouldofferashoulder,
thoughlittleelseasmyowngriefhurtleftnothinginreserveforstrangersofthiskindness.
89
ThensixoreightweekslaterIwasbesiegedbytroubledvisions,darkmemoriesthatliterally
hauntedeverywakingmoment.Rackedsleep.Andstubbornlyresistedpurposefulattemptsto
recallthegood.InwhichKarenconstantlyappearedinmyimaginariesasaweirdwitch‐like
visage,repleteinskeletalformwithblack,tatteredflowingrobes.Amiensittingconstant
abovemyeveryday.Infectingallrationality.WheneverIattemptedtowilfullyrecallour
couplingallIcouldsummonwerethethreeargumentswehadhadoverchildren.Wherethe
imagesandsoundsofharshwords,raisedvoices.OfKaren’scrumpled,defeatedface
dissolvingintoagrotesquegapingskull.
Istartedtodoubttherewasanythinggoodinourrelationship.
StartedbelievingIhaddonenothingbutfailKaren.Andthenshehaddied.
ThatIwasatfault.NomatterwhereorhowIturned.
Myrationalmindknewthiswasrubbish,butIcouldn’tshakethedarkness.Itclungtome.
Cloakedeverydailymomentandrippedmydreamswithdeformedfantasy.MercifullyEstlin
wassleepingwithmeatthistime,sowhenIawokeinthenight,oftendrenchedinsweatwith
Karen’sdistressedskeletalimageryscreechingintomyawake,thissleepingpresence
groundedmetotherealityofoursituation.Weweretraumatisedbutcoping.Doingwellinthe
circumstances.
Thereisapsychoanalyticaltheorythatallcloserelationshipsarebasedonthefirst
experiencesthatindividualshaveofintimacy–mostlywithmothers–whichintheprimal,
egoisticmindofallutterlydependent,utterlydesiringinfantsassumestheconcurrentformsof
a‘good’provisioningmotheranda‘bad’withholdingmother.25Andtherebyestablishesa
universaldichotomyofloveandloathing–bothof‘mother’andofselfforhavingsuchfeelings.
Acontradictionthatunconsciouslyunderpinsanddeterminesthecourseofallfutureintimate
relationships.Whichattimesoftrauma,andespeciallyatthedeathofalovedone,manifestsin
witchcraftbeliefs–whichthemselveshaveremarkablyuniversalcharacteristicsof
cannibalism(especiallyofinfants),bloodsucking,night‐flying,hauntinggraveyards,firefrom
thegenitals,nakedness,exaggeratedsexualityandanimaltransformation.26Thewitchas
archetypical‘badmother’,representingeverythingbadanddestructive(thoughfierygenitals
areintriguing).Thepresenceofthewitchservesthesocio‐psychologicalfunctionofscapegoat,
amechanismofdenial,deflection,repressionthatprotectstheindividualandsocietywhohave
bothlovedandloathedthedeparted.Andwhohavebothdesiredandgrievedtheirdeath.
25Seeforexample,Klein,M.(1988).Love,Guilt,andReparation:andOtherWorks1921‐941.ViragoPress,London:
Stephen,M.(1999).Witchcraft,GriefandtheValenceofEmotions.AmericanEthnologist,26(3):711‐737.
Stephen,M.(1999).Witchcraft,GriefandtheValenceofEmotions.AmericanEthnologist,26(3):711‐737.
26
90
WasdarkKarenmywitch?IcertainlylovedKaren.Lovedherliving.AndIundeniablyloathed
thewithholdingsnecessitatedbyherdeath,byherillness–anantipathythatclearlydisplayed
intherememberedbadofourarguments,ofourdarkestmomentsasacouple.ButdidIdesire
herdeath?
OfcourseIdid.
JustasIsupportedKarenwhenshegavebirth,Icheerledherdeath.Heldherhandand
enthusiasticallyliedtoherthatitwasoktodie.Thatwewouldbealright.Iwantedher
sufferingstoendandwhendeathbecametheonlyoption,directedmyenergiestoensuring
Karenhadasgoodadeathaspossible.Asshecouldimagine.Thatwecouldplot.
DoIloaththis?
OfcourseIdo.
Whenthebestyoucandesireforyoulovedoneistheirdeath,thenyouarereallyupagainsta
wall.Boundbutnotblindfolded.Steelingyourselftobarktheordertoshootthoseyoulovethe
most–yourloverandyourself.WouldhavesmotheredKarenwithapillow.Fedherkilling
drugs,ifnecessary.Shewasafterallstockpilinghermorphine.ButIalsoknowthatthiswould
havedestroyedmeandsomyeternalthanksfortheformalinterventionsofmedical
knowledge,healthprocedures,theinstitutionalprocessesandcareofhospices,forthosewho
managedeath–assumethepragmatic,practicalmantleofphysical,materialloveandloathing.
Leavingtheanxiousbereavedtodealprimarilywiththesocialandemotional.Suchisdeath
socialanddeathindividualinourcivilsociety.
AfterseveralweeksitwasrationallyapparenttomethatdarkKarenwasneitherarealistic,
norasustainable,remembering.Thedisjunctureofthesemonstrouslyskewed,Goyaesque
memoriesjarredwiththeremnantsofourlife,letalonewithwhathadactuallypast.Disturbed
Estlinsleeping.Corinnamarchingofftocollege.TheloveshownbyAlanaandDylanwho
tenderlyrubbedmoisturiserontheirmother’sfaceandhandsasshelayascorpseinour
house.OffendedKarensmilinginphotoshangingonwalls,inbedsidedrawers,onthe‘life
story’boarddisplayedatherfuneral.Nowproppedupagainsttheloungewall.
Atruthnodoubt.Butnowherenearwhole.
Iallowedthepost‐mortemrealitiesofourneweverydaytowashover,topurify,cleanse,my
ravagedpsyche.Andquicklyfoundmyselfsatiatedinmemoriesofthegood.Oftheverybest.
Awashinsharp,clearmemoriesofoursexualadventures,ourlovemaking.Experienceda
reawakeningofpassionslongsuppressed,butnowtranscendentandnewlymanifestedinthe
pristineabilitytosimplyrememberasavehicletointense,prolonged,non‐ejaculatory
orgasms–myYanginmemoriamtoKaren’swhisperingYin.
91
Andlifesettledtofitfulsleep,awakingfrequentlynear4am‐ishwhenKarenhaddied,before
wakingfullymostdawnswithaground‐hogjolt.Amomentaryafresh,raspingrealizationthat
Karenwasgone.Deadagain.Ofnoreturnandallconsequence.Ofsheddingtears,allowingthe
grief.Beforegettinguptolivedaysincreasinglysatedbyguiding,transcendentmemory.In
acclamationofwhatKarenandIhadbuilttogether.Whatshehadleftbehind.Hadgiftedtous
inperpetuity–love,family,ourbeautiful,courageouschildren.Beforenightfellandtherigors
ofbeinginthedayleftmespent.Painedandbuoyedthatanotherdailyhadbeenlivedandthen
expired.
AndIcametoaccept,thenembracemyschizophrenia.Tobeingfitfullytraumatisedandelated.
Toallowsadness,exhilaration,grief,delighttotideoverme.Tobealoneandtoletingrief.To
bealoneandtoletinelation.Tobewithothersandfeelboth.Toacceptthatthedepthsofmy
despairwerenowtheheightsofmyrapture.Loveandlossfullyentwined.Twotruthsasone,
thoughbothhavetrulyatrophiedovertime.Worndownbythehabit.Defeatedbythebanalin
whichtheharshwoundingofmyownemotional,social,romanticdeathhasbeentransformed
intofadingdown.
Acceptalso,thatmymemoriesofKaren,ofourintimacy,passion,ourtalkingarebetterthat
anythingI’veexperiencedorwitnessedsince.Thatfunctioning,living,infadingmemoryisan
enrichmentevenasithasmorphedintothehabit,theroutinesofforgetting.ThatifIcouldn’t
keepKarenalive,Icouldatleastmakesureshewasnotdead,wasrememberedwell.Although
thediamondpointsofgriefandelationcanstillcutrecurrent.Rip,invigorate,bleedanew.
Rousemewithin.Rousemewithout.Andindoingsoremindme,thatifKarenknockedonmy
doortomorrow,andsaid:‘HeybabeI’mback…’–Iwouldnothesitate.
34.
‘NothanksI’vealreadygiventocancer.’
Thestreetcollector,whoamomentagohadcheerilyrattledhercollectionjarandpolitely
enquiredifIwouldliketomemakeadonation‘forcanceronDaffodilDay’,lookedaskance,
quizzical,confused.
Ididn’tbreakstride.Mydead‐pan,matter‐of‐factvoicedidnotbetrayanyironyanddespite
theapparentincongruenceofmyresponse,Iwasstillsmilingcourteously.MyfriendYadana
whole‐bodyguffawedasonlyshecan,momentarilybentdoublewithlaughter,utteredaquick
‘sorry’withashrugofhershouldersandthenstumbledon.
‘Well,Ihave,haven’tI?’IaskedYadanaasshedrewlevel.Sheputacomfortinghandonmy
shoulderandwecontinuedourwalkdownLambtonQuayconfidentthatthisyearwehad
indeedgiventocancer–meawife,Yadanaafriendandmentor.
35.
Everypicturetellsastory.
92
Myfirstprofessorinanthropologyoncetoldme,incontradictiontothethencurrentpost‐
structural,post‐modernturninacademiathataccordedcurrencytoallandeveryperspective
intheirminute,evenunique,peculiarities,thatjustbecausesomethingisastereotype,acliché
orageneralisation,whichobscurestruthinthespecific,doesnotmeanthatitisnot,atleastin
partorincertaincontexts,true–atleasttosomeone.(Shethentookabreathasacademicsare
wonttodo.)Notnecessarilyaworthless,orevenworseaninveigling,simplification.
Awordtothewise.
Irememberedmyprof’sinsightwhenKarenwasfirstadmittedtothecancerward,Ward1of
theoldWellingtonHospital.AshudderingDickensianedifice,withpaintpeelingwallsand
illnessscrubbedintothefabricofthefloors,intothedesiccatingairofthecorridors;made
evenmoreshamefulinlightofthegleaming,corporatelinesofthenewhospital.
Karenhadbeenadmittedforaproceduretodrainfluidthatwasbuildingupinthevisceral
pleurliningthatenclosesthelungsandtohopefullyrelieveherincreasinglylaboured,
panickedbreathing.TheprocedurehadbeensuccessfulandKarenwassittingupinbed,
perky,pleasedtobefree(eveniftemporarily)fromtheanxietythatshewasconstantly
drowning.
Inthemidstoflifeweareindeath.
ImentionedtoKarenthatthewomanoccupyingthebednexttoherwasnotonlystrikingly
attractive,butappearedveryyoung.Karenhadalwaysdelightedinmygaze,myappreciation
ofafeminineaesthetic.Stereotypicalformysins,butatleastmouldedthroughtheminimums
ofexperienceandpersona.Bydesireforthepaper‐faintquiverofaclosedeyelid;theagile
determinationofsmallhands;thesnaptautsuretyofslenderwrists–porcelain‐smoothonthe
radialpulse;thewantingfleshofanearlobe.Breasts,thighs,calves,areola.Awarm,disarming
smile.Allideallywrappedupwitharedbowandsittingatopahealthyrespectformischief;an
easycapacityfortimely,ifnotprimal,insight;andafrank,demandingintellect.Karenloved
myopenness,detail,eclecticism.Delightedthatitsentirety,itsminutiaeandintensity,always
settledonheraslove.Therewasnohonestytobehadinholdingbackatthispoint.
Karenmotionedmecloserandtoldmethatthewomanwasinherearlythirties.Andthat,with
herhusband,hadbeentryingtogetpregnantforseveralyearsonlytosucceedandbe
diagnosedwithaggressivebreastcancer,threeorfourmonthsintoherpregnancy.Herchoices
wereblunt.Undergoimmediatetreatmentandlosethebaby.Delaytreatmenttoensurethe
babywentfulltermandputherownlifeatimminentrisk.
There’salwayssomeoneworseoff.
93
UntilthatmomentIhadalwaysthoughtthisparticularclichéwasasoptojustifythe
monstrousstratifications,theChristian‐basedsubservience,themaster‐slaverelations,which
haveinvariablyledto,andwhichsustain,moderncapitalism.
Butnowitresonatedwithanordinary,groundedtruththatwasasdisturbingasitwas
comforting.Aparallaxoftruths.
Blessingscounted. 36.
Karentoldmebriefly,withoutgreatdetail,andasweweredevelopingafriendship,ofher
variedtrialsandtribulations.Ofherplantostartafreshwhensheturnedforty,inthreeyears
time,whenherchildrenwouldbenearingtheendofsecondaryschool.Whentheywouldbe
startingtofashionanindependenceoftheirownmaking.
Ireplied‘Whywait?‘
‘Whywait?…Especiallyifyouaresatisfiedthatyouhavegivenityourbestshotanditisstill
notworking.Besidesyoucouldberunoverbyabustomorrowandthiswouldbethesumof
yourlifetodate.’
Karentoldmeonce,whenweweresecurelycoupledandawaitingthearrivalofEstlin,thatI
wastheonlyoneofherfriends,ofherassociates,whohadeverofferedthisadvice.Theonly
onetosuggestleavingandstartinganew.Immediatelybeforethebuscame.
IsaidIwassurprised.IsaidthataroundtheenclavesofacademiathatIinhabited,thatthis
wouldbestockstandardadvice.Besideswhointheirrightmindwouldwait?
Karenlivedwelluntilshewasforty‐four,untilshewasoverrunbycancer.
37.
OnOctober16,2011.
Someeightyears,eightmonthsandnineteendayslater.
AmericanExpressissuedKarena‘StatementofAccount’.Icollecteditfromthemailbox.As
executor,asbereavedhusband,Iopenedtheenvelope.
ItstatedthatKaren’sGoldCreditCardaccountcontained0.05CRandhadbeencancelled.The
statementurgedherto‘Pleasecalltoapplyforarefundifallchargeshavebeenbilled.’
Karenwastheprimarycardholderwhenshediedin2003.Inresponse,andinaccordancewith
AmericanExpressregulations,thecompanycancelledtheaccountandannulledourAirpoints.
Wehadbeenknowinglyaccumulatingtheseinthehopeoftakinganother‘last’overseas
holiday.AsthesupplementarycardholderIhadnorecourse,afterinformingAmericanExpress
94
ofKaren’sdeath,thantosettlethefinalbill.WhichIdidwithatypicaldisplayoflargesse,
overpayingtherequiredamountbyfivecents.
ThenthemonthlystatementsfromAmericanExpressinformingKarenthattherewasacredit
offivecentsbeganarriving.Monthaftermonth.Yearafteryear.
AggrievedthatKarenandourAirpointshadbeensummarilyvoided,Idecidedtoletthefree
handofcorporatebureaucracysortitselfout.BesidesreceivingthemonthlyAmexbill
informingmethatKarenwasinperpetualcreditwascomfortingandironicinequalmeasure.
Andthatitwascostingthetransnationalgiantatleastfiftycentsamonthtogenerateher
accountwasanadded,albeitpitiful,bonus–onethatIfeltfairlyreflectedthecorporation’s
regulatoryinabilitytorecogniseourrelationship,nottomentionKaren’sdeath.
Karencertainlyknewhowto‘maxout’acreditcard.Thereweretimeswhenmyfulltime
lecturingsalarybarelycoveredthemonthlyinterestpayments.Althoughoncewhenlivingat
RoseCottageonanincomeconsistingofmyPhDscholarshipandourjointstudentloans,we
hadstoppedusingtheAmexcardsforseveralmonthsofunprecedentedfinancial
judiciousness.Andthecompanyrespondedwithpre‐crash,credit‐cardlogicbyofferingus
pre‐approvedPlatinumCards.
Karen’seyeslitup.
‘Weshouldgetthem,Peter.Wecouldbuyanything.Anewcar,anewhouse.Thereisnolimit!’
AtthistimetheannualfeesonaPlatinumCardweremorethantwelvehundreddollarsandI
hadfuninshowingKarenthemaththat,ifwesoldoneofourkidneys,wecouldpaythefees,
feedthechildren,andthenbe‘free’tousethecards–atleastforamonthorsobeforethefirst
repaymentwasdue.
IncontrastKarenhada‘rule’ofneverspendingmorethan$20atasecond‐handshop.Aself‐
imposeddictatethatcausedhertomissout,onatleastthreeoccasions,onacquiringthesort
ofold‐fashioned‘lady’sbicycle’shehadlongcoveted.Althoughinthelastweeksofherlifeshe
deviatedfromthisvoluntary,nonsensicalfrugalitytospendonehundreddollarsatthe
JohnsonvilleSalvationArmystoretopurchaseaswagofpristine,stillboxed,PortMerion(her
personalfavourite)cutleryandceramicpieces,whichsheestimatedwereworthmorethana
thousanddollars.SheevenmanagedtocollectaspeedingticketonthewaydownNgauranga
Gorgewhenreturningexcitedlyhomeward.
TheposthumousAmexaccountskeptarrivingforyears,althoughbythetimetheyceasedI
hardlynoticedthatmyonce‐a‐month,nickelanddime’sworthofperiodicdelightand
corporaterevengehadquietlyslippedaway.
95
StillitwaswithapalpablesenseofnostalgiathatIreceivedyetanother‘StatementofAccount’
justdaysbeforewhatwouldhavebeenKaren’sfifty‐thirdbirthdayonOctober21,2011.An
unexpected,abelated,andanearlygiftfromcreditcardcapitalism…Priceless?
38.
Noted.SomemonthsafterKaren’sdeath.Intheenvelopeofphotographsthatsitsinthe
drawerofmybedsidetable.ApictureofKarenwalkingalongabeachnearBrisbaneinthe
Octobersunbeforeherdeath.WalkingwithCorinna,EstlinandPearl(mysister’sgirl).
A‘last’familyholidaytakenwhileKarenwasstillinreasonablehealth.Chest,armpitsbeing
invadedwithgrowingtumours,theirdecaying,sweetsicklysmelldetectableonlytoKarenat
thisstage.Maskedtoothersbyaheavyperfume,*whichthenstillexcited,wasstillassociated
withKarenaslife,aslust.Butwhichnowifdetectedonanotherwomen,astheypassbyinthe
street,inthesupermarket,nauseates,pains.Decayintheaftermath.
InthephotoKaren’supperbodyisvisiblybeginningtobloatwithsteroids.Herhairiscropped
inchemorecovery.Buttheresheisstillclearlyswinginghernarrowhips,herarms,inthejoy
oftheQueenslandsunshine,thebeach,aforthcominglobsterdinner.Inherdelightof
holidayingwithfamily.Instepwithherlife.
*AngelbyThierryMugler.
39. 40.
41.
42.
43. 44.
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