TARTUFFE
A NEW PERFORMANCE VERSION BY STEWART HOWSON
This script was commissioned to be performed by NTC Touring Theatre, Alnwick,
Northumberland UK. A large picture frame formed part of the set and throughout the
play various images were posed in the frame.
NTC employed a cast of six, which involves doubling. The script includes
dialogue/action for “covering” the actor’s changes by making a “virtue” and fun out of
Orgon/Damis and Mariane/Damis being doubled. The “actors” express surprise or
reluctance to take on the role or sometimes change on-the-fly on-stage and the doubling
of the parts of Msr. Loyal and The Officer becomes an integral part of the script as a
“running gag” with the Marianne actress being conned into doing them. The payoff being
her imaginative way of not appearing herself as “Prince”. Cleante/Valere were doubled in
a more normal fashion as were Madame Pernelle and Tartuffe but by a male actor.
Under their Pierrot costume the actors wore their character costume. There was a minimal
“set” of a large picture frame at the centre at the back and a semi circle of boxes on which
the Pierrots when not performing their character took their positions (half masked) on the
boxes almost like animated statues and commented physically on the action. There is an
opening and closing song with music by Jim Kitson & lyrics by Stewart Howson.
( The Pierrot troop enter wearing traditional black & white
costumes .A colourful and musical entrance. Banners, flags
and ribbons.)
Opening Song
It’s time to close your programmes, listen to our song
and turn off your mobiles, moving right along
to set up our story, for this anticipatory throng
From the pen of Jean Baptist-e Poquelin
Or Moliere as we now better know the man
We bring you this belter
a real helter-skelter plan
Oh what a con man you’ll see
Oh what a foul plan has he
How he practices to deceive
Pa still thinks that he’s a saint
We know that he simply ‘aint
We’re so mad we’re very nearly bursting
So listen closely folks, as we begin act one
Tartuffe’s shenanagins are already well begun
Quickly the plot will thicken,
Of this fox in the chicken run
1
Its time to take positions as we end our song.
And for you to listen as characters give tongue.
All you must do’s believe it.
Would you just Adam and eve it
That’s where we have to leave it...ACT ONE!
They break taking off their Pierrot cloaks revealing their
various character costumes. They create a physical and
sound picture (using gibberish) of an over-active, trivial
household meeting, greeting and chattering.
During this the (male) actor playing Madame Pernelle
readies himself and takes up a “severe” pose in the picture
frame of a disapproving “Grande Dame” which freezes the
action. Then Madame Pernelle breaks the pose and starts
to create a fuss. (A Scottish fuss.) She moves with the strut
of an old hen very much sure she is top of the pecking order
MADAME PERNELLE
That’s it! That is it! I cannae bear it
Not another minute, I willnae wear it
ELMIRE
Mother dear. Hold on for a minute
MADAME PERNELLE
This households mad. I’m no’ stopping in it.
I’m in High Dudgeon, couldn’t get nay higher
You’ve tret me wrong.
ELMIRE
But
MADAME PERNELLE
Call me a liar!
MADAME PERNELLE
Wise words I gave to set y’all to rights.
For that I have to suffer all your slights
and sneers. And scorns and smirking.
Damis sniggers
MADAME PERNELLE (CONT’D)
2
Wipe that off!
DAMIS
Hm Hm. Sorry Grannie nasty cough
MADAME PERNELLE
I’ll cough you laddie.
Look at you lot. What a sorry bunch.
Vain. Cheeky. Aimless. Out to lunch.
CLEANTE/ELMIRE/ DAMIS/DORINNE
Together
I say/Mother/Grannie/Y’old cow
MADAME PERNELLE
Jabber jabber as if you’re barmy.
You’d get more sense from Fred Karno’s Army.
DORINE
Ooh
MADAME PERNELLE
Now lassie, am I right or am I wrong,
You’re a servant here? So hold your tongue.
It’s for combing hair and twisting up her braid
not offering opinions you get paid.
[opinyuns]
So keep it shut, and hold your whisht, y’ hussy,
DORINNE
(aside)
Get you. I’ll hold what I like! I’m not that fussy
DAMIS
I think
MADAME PERNELLE
It thinks it thinks. Well I think not.
Were you a donkey, grandson you’d be shot.
Damis objects with a noise suspiciously enough like a
donkeys bray to prove his Granny’s point
DAMIS
Aw-er
3
MADAME PERNELLE
Aye, I told your father when you were small
you’d be a gleekit gowk, no good at all
Mariane makes a “Dying-Swan” coy glide over to Granny
MARIANE
Oh please
Madame Pernelle cuts her off and imitates her coy
movements and demeanour
MADAME PERNELLE
“Oh please”. Aye Mistress Mild and Meek.
All sighs demure and “turn the other cheek.”
Och I see through you slypuss grand-daughter.
So like a fine white swan above the water.
All saintly progress so serene and slow.
But what fire burns in boilers down below.
The quiet ones are worst
DORINNE
Oh I don’t know
MADAME PERNELLE
A step-mother sets examples, least she ought.
This pair need guidance, and hard lessons taught.
Their dear dead mother had more idea than you.
And I ne’er thought that she’d got much of a clue.
But lassie she’d be turning in her grave
At the way you let your step brats behave.
Look at the girlie, gaudy way you dress.
This provokes Elmire to give her a vampish “If you’ve got
it flaunt it” pose. A shocked Madame P averts her eyes.
MADAME PERNELLE (CONT’D)
Oooh! She didn’t get those pants from M&S.
And who’re y’ dressing for I’d like to know?
Not for your husband. I bet you’ve got some beaux
CLEANTE
Now steady on
MADAME PERNELLE
4
Och I thought we’d hear from you.
Ne’er slow to stir your pennorth in the stew.
You’re her brother sir, but she’s my dear son’s wife.
He shouldn’t give you houseroom, not on yer life.
She hen pecks round, as she makes her point. The others
take the micky by imitating her movement
MADAME PERNELLE (CONT’D)
With yer free opinions freely offered.
No “by your leave” before they’re grandly proffered.
She half catches them mocking her and gives them what for
MADAME PERNELLE (CONT’D)
I’d have you out!
CLEANTE
Oh don’t sit on the fence
MADAME PERNELLE
Its just the gospel truth now, no offence
CLEANTE
None taken
MADAME PERNELLE
Good. You’ll see I’m not inclined.
To mince my words. I say what’s on my mind
DAMIS
We know
MADAME PERNELLE
Is there no one here with some respect
DAMIS
Tartuffe’s a fan of yours I would expect
MADAME PERNELLE
Now there’s a man to whom you all should listen.
A fine pure man whose every word doth glisten
like heavens gems. Oh yes mock him you sinners.
He’s more gifts from God than you’ve had hot dinners
5
DAMIS
You are expecting us to all bow down.
Kow-tow to that hypocritical clown
who demands we put a stop to all our fun.
Labels profane all joys under the sun
ELMIRE
If we toed the line with his “Oh dear me no”
DORINE
There’d be no fun at all. Well I should cocoa
MADAME PERNELLE
What he has put a stop to, needed stopping.
Tartuffe’ll save your souls or else you’re dropping
into perdition, into deepest hell.
Do as my son Orgon does, love him well.
DAMIS
I cannae. Grannie, to be perfectly candid.
MADAME PERNELLE
Grandson. Just do as your father has demanded
The others prepare to take cover from his ire. (Damis’
irascible manner and short fuse become a running gag, to
be mimicked by the actress who takes over his part)
DAMIS
No! Not even for the sake of father
will I take to Tartuffe. No I’d rather
stick to my guns and principles and not dissemble.
His every action makes me seethe and tremble
with fury and rage inside and oh what’s worst,
I feel. I feel so angry I could burst!
DORINE
It is enough to make you flip your lid
when Tartuffe turned up he’d not got a quid
to his good name. Nay, nor sou nor even a penny.
Decent coat and shoes he hadn’t any.
Now M’sieur T’s a real slave master.
Ne’er seen any give out orders faster.
Even tells the mistress what to do.
I tell you he’s a flaming great cuckoo!
6
MADAME PERNELLE
And I tell you lot, it’d be a start,
if you took this saint’s sermons more to heart
DORINE
Away woman! In your dreams pet, he’s a saint.
Its as plain as the nose on your face that he just aint.
I know the master’s completely dazed and awed.
But I tell you, that man Tartuffe’s a fraud
MADAME PERNELLE
Hold your tongue!
You all regard him with distaste and fear,
cos he dares mention what you don’t want to hear.
He’s told you a good few home truths about your morals.
And because you know he carries heavens laurels.
DORINE
But must he carry on so o’er a visit.
Folk round to tea’s not a sin now, is it.
Aye, he wants her friends out on the macadam
so he can get himself alone with madam.
MADAME PERNELLE
Rubbish. He’s not been alone in so complaining
about your goings-on and entertaining.
Whole neighbourhood’s agog at your affray.
CLEANTE
Oh so lets bar the door and block the hall way
to all our friends. Because of tittle tattle.
Will that stop their tongues? Its all a losing battle.
Its jealous folks cooking up a fable.
MADAME PERNELLE
Who rattled your cage, Clark Gable,
I ken that I’m right Aye dinnae fash it.
My son has brought into the house an asset.
Tartuffe. That paragon’ll put you all to rights.
You set o’ witless Godless blatherskites
MADAME PERNELLE
That’s it! That is it! I cannae bear it
Not another minute, I willnae wear it.
I will not stay here another minute.
This households mad. I’m not stopping in it.
7
They laugh again
Out my way. Quick. Do you no understand.
or one o you lot’ll feel the back o my hand
Good day.
ALL
Good day
ELMIRE
I’ll see you out mama
SCENE TWO
CLEANTE
Think I’ll stay here, I’ve got the old girls gist
DORINNE
Less of the old. You’ll really get her miffed
CLEANTE
What a scene she made, nearly hit the roof.
How’s she’s taken in by this Tartuffe
DORINE
Not half. But her son, the master’s got it worse.
Dotes on Tartuffe so badly. It’s perverse.
CLEANTE
Orgon’s usually such a level fellow,
In the late civil wars he proved quite a hero.
Served his King with stout and loyal heart
DORINE
Tartuffe comes along he just falls apart.
He calls him brother, loves him as his life.
Better than mother children or his wife.
His complete devotion to Tartuffe’s so ceaseless,
You’d think he’d gone and got himself a mistress.
At table sits him in the place of honour.
Indulges. Lets him play the prima donna.
Watches Tartuffe bolt down the juicy parts
And cries “God Bless you” even when he farts
(All horrified )
ALL
Oh!… This is a servant speaking
(That explains her bad language)
CLEANTE
8
Tartuffe’s delighted he’s found such a mark.
In a hundred ways he has played the shark
and robbed poor Orgon blind and milked him dry
DORINE
Aye. And at coming forward he’s not shy
he’s set himself up as Inquisition.
We can’t even draw breath without permission.
Thunders sermons at us with blazing eyes
“Throw away those silk fripperies” he rants and cries.
Last week he tore a hanky into pieces
just cos I’d pressed it in a Life of Jesus.
He claimed such behaviour wasn’t on the level
to taint such holy words with the scent of the Devil
Elmire re-enters
SCENE THREE
ELMIRE
Oh you lot knew what you we’re doing.
She took a breath and kept right on going.
Stood there and gave me chapter and verse
CLEANTE
Word for word?
ELMIRE
Verbatim
CLEANTE
She gets worse,
ELMIRE
I’ve just spotted my dear husband’s chaise
Be here any minute I’ll go and mend my face
CLEANTE
Well just for good manners I’ll stop and say hello
DAMIS
Don’t forget your promise, Pa’s near out the carriage
To raise the matter of my sisters marriage
Tartuffe’s urging father to withdraw his blessing,
and cause a situation most distressing.
For unless my sister can marry dear Valere.
I cannot wed his sister
9
She leaves
CLEANTE
Shh he’s here
With six. All the cast focus in anticipation on the direction
of Orgon’s impending arrival. It becomes obvious no-ones
coming and the others indicate to the actor at that point
playing Damis that it’s he who will have to play Orgon.
He has to change as he moves to his new position”. The
others then re-run the end of he last scene
CLEANTE
Shh he’s here
SCENE FOUR
ORGON
Brother, Good day
CLEANTE
Welcome home sir a very good day
I’m afraid that business calls and I can’t stay
But how’s the country?
ORGON
Some bits green and some bits brown
CLEANTE
Delightful, Oh how it beats the town,… must dash
ORGON
No stay, and listen to all the news, Dorine!
DORINE
M’siuer
ORGON
Have they been behaving. How’s it been?
DORINE
Your wife has had a fever and a chill.
A raging headache. Still feels rather ill
ORGON
10
And Tartuffe?
Dorine shares a “ Can you believe this” reaction to Orgon’s obsession
DORINE
In the pink. Top hole. Thriving wick
ORGON
Poor fellow
DORINE
But poor Madame’s been rather sick
At supper she couldn’t face a spoon of gruel
on Wednesday night, cos the headache was so cruel.
And Tartuffe?
ORGON
(All are even more exasperated by his misplaced concern)
DORINE
he sat and scoffed in front of her.
A Leg of mutton and a jug of hare
ORGON
Poor fellow
Dorine has one last attempt at focussing Orgon’s attention onto his wife by
going “over the top”
DORINE
Your wife passed out, had to be taken to bed.
All night in fever she tossed and turned her head.
And suffered. Now like an iceberg now on fire.
life was in danger if her temperature went higher.
Oh sir I do not exaggerate, but stay
We death-watched oe’r her until the break of day
ORGON
And Tartuffe?
Again all react in disgust and Dorine is provoked into being short and impertinent.
DORINE
He snored in his pit and didn’t stir.
Slept like a baby since you ask me sir
ORGON
11
Poor fellow. How is he now?
DORINE
Bearing up... Sir
I’ll tell Madame you were asking after her
She exits sharing her exasperation with the others and the audience
SCENE FIVE
Cleante is a worthy, rather pompous youngish man. Well-meaning he has a tendency to
preach. He has an unconscious catch-phrase “Its just a thought”.
CLEANTE
The girl was laughing in your face y know
Not without cause. I could have told you so.
You’ve really got things out of all proportion
You must rein in Tartufian devotion.
You took him in and put him on his feet
Good show Orgon, but now your jobs complete.
It’s just a thought but
ORGON
stop yourself right there.
You don’t know him and it isn’t your affair
CLEANTE
I don’t have first hand knowledge to be sure
but two and two together gives me four.
ORGON
Oh the sum of all his parts is more, much more
If you but knew him I’m sure you would adore
the ground he walks on and your heart would soar
Oh he’s a man who.. who.. a man is.. the man.
And that’s saying absolutely all I can
He’ll show us all the way to peace profound,
this world and all its show some midden mound.
ORGON (CONT)
Tartuffe’s taught me all earthly ties to sever.
My mother, children, wife could die I’d never
turn a hair or feel a moments pain
CLEANTE
12
Really! brother dear. Quelle sentiments humane
The Pierrots begin a religious procession (Outdoor NTC had them carrying the picture
frame around Tartuffe as though he were an icon). They sing an appropriate piece of
“Church” music (Jim Kitson)
ORGON
Too kind. But wait I haven’t told you yet
of the circumstances in which we first met.
Still singing, they all kneel as Tartuffe takes up position in the centre in a tableaux
redolent of religious devotional paintings
ORGON (CONT’D)
He used to come into our church each day
and knelt so sweetly by me there to pray.
He’d draw the eye of everybody there
by the fervour he hossaned every prayer.
When I rose to leave he’d anticipated
Orgon kneels at Tartuffe’s feet to receive his blessing and then gives him money.
ORGON (CONT’D)
and at the door with holy water waited.
His pious blessing he would freely give me
and in return I gave him a moiety
of alms to alleviate his desperate state
for he dwelt in dire poverty, sad to relate.
CLEANTE
Indeed
ORGON
he tried to give back half to me
TARTUFFE
This money’s too much sir. I am not worthy
Tartuffe solemnly gives money to the others. Orgon is really getting carried away
ORGON
And so that rejected half he would donate
to those poor wretches in far worse estate.
And then Heaven moved me to take him in
to dwell with us and free our souls from sin
Tartuffe grabs the money back. Cleante cuts Orgon off and the “Dumbshow”
13
CLEANTE
Oh what rot! An act! Its all a sideshow
The actors are shooed away by Cleante
ORGON
An act. Oh really no sir I don’t think so.
His concern for me’s sincere. He guards my life
And what is more, he closely guards my wife
and keeps her safe from possible temptation.
CLEANTE
We had noticed his constant observation
ORGON
I have to say he’s really very zealous
Even I myself couldn’t be more jealous.
Oh he’ll keep us all on the straight and narrow.
French mustard keen and targeted like an arrow.
He never misses even the slightest thing.
Why last week he killed a flea upon the wing
whilst he was praying and he keenly railed
killing such a creature. “oh” he wailed
“my anger and wrath has lead me to this guilt
Because of all the innocent blood I’ve spilt.”
CLEANTE
Brother. You’re having me on
ORGON
No I assure you
CLEANTE
Then you’re round the twist, you’re completely corkscrew
ORGON
Liberal thinking makes your faith unsteady
as I have told you a hundred times already
You want to watch the sceptical things you say,
get you in trouble brother one fine day.
CLEANTE
Orgon. You’re not the first to tell me, oh
Folk like you will always have it so
That they’ve a complete monopoly on virtue
“a dissenting voice, right! out with the thumbscrew”.
14
Well let me tell you God sees my heart
and can tell true and false piety apart.
At least that’s what I was always taught
Not a bad lesson. It’s just a thought
The cast all applaud thinking that he’s made his point & finished
CLEANTE
But.
You know how those in battle who brave the most
are afterwards the least inclined to boast,
well so it is with truly virtuous men,
they don’t flaunt the scourge and shout amen.
There’s a great difference that’s clear to see
between true piety and hypocrisy.
And it seems to me brother that you really ought
to be able to see it too. Its just a thought.
They applaud again a little less enthusiastically this time. They are also less than pleased
when his “But” heralds another chapter
CLEANTE
But. there is one definite thing that I do know
there’s honest zeal and there’s flashy show.
Orgon. Why shouldn’t I express concern
when tricksters use virtue to serve their turn.
They weep and pray but swindle and extort.
Exploiting our love of heaven. Its just a thought
Even less enthusiasm from cast.
CLEANTE (CONT'D)
But
Irritation from cast that he’s started again
CLEANTE
There are many really virtuous souls
who don’t go in for fakery or rigmaroles.
They neither put on show for man’s applause.
Nor crucify their foe in heaven’s cause.
They look to their own souls and don’t purport
to be holier than thou or our Lord. Its just a thought.
15
General relief
CLEANTE
but
ORGON
I thought this lecture might just have examples
CLEANTE
Indeed brother I could quote you copious samples.
The cast all groan and indicate that they’ve had well had enough by now.
CLEANTE
Ariston, Periandre, Alcidama,
Bede, Cuthbert, Aidan, St. John the calmer.
Saints Augustine,Clement and Francis of Assissi,
Saint Michael,
PIERROT 1
St Bernard
PIERROT 2
St Vitus
CLEANTE
Don’t be cheeky…. St Agnes martyred, eaten by a lion.
The cast all make lion noises and mock clawing behind his back. He stamps his foot to
get them back in line.
CLEANTE
San Michel. San Just. Don’t forget San Simon.
Against such fine examples I would have thought.
Tartuffe counts. Well, for nothing. It’s just a thought
Long Pause. He turns away. The cast wait to see if there’s more. Orgon warily
approaches gesturing invitations to Cleante to continue. Finally he can’t contain himself.
ORGON
But?
CLEANTE
But what?
16
ORGON
But more?
CLEANTE
That’s it but nought
ORGON
Thank god for that.
CLEANTE
[beat]It was just a thought
ORGON
You’ve finished?
CLEANTE
Yes
ORGON
Well then good day
CLEANTE
good day
He starts to go. Then remembers
CLEANTE
But there is one more matter. If I may.
You’ve given permission as I understand
for Valere to take Mariane your daughter’s hand
ORGON
(warily)
Aye
CLEANTE
All’s been agreed, the wedding day is set
ORGON
So?
CLEANTE
I’ve heard you’re going back on it
17
ORGON
You never know
CLEANTE
Come be straight sir. Is this true?
ORGON
Maybes
CLEANTE
It wouldn’t hurt to give a clue
So we take it then you’re set to break your word
ORGON
Tra la la la
CLEANTE
Stop shilly shallying, you’re being absurd.
Has the boy done something to offend?
ORGON
Who knows?
CLEANTE
What’s your reply. What do you intend?
ORGON
To do God’s bidding. Now I bid you, Good bye
CLEANTE
This is ridiculous, will you not say why?
Orgon exits
CLEANTE
He’s up to something. Poor Valere’s undoing.
I’d better go and tell him trouble’s brewing.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Enter MARIANE “playing” the dutiful daughter. She has appeared to do father’s
bidding but really has had him wrapped around her little finger. Tartuffe should take up
a position in the picture frame so that throughout the scene they can refer to him
18
ORGON
Mariane
MARIANE
Father
ORGON
a little word in your ear
She simpers over to him playing “Daddy’s Little Girl”
ORGON
Now Mariane my child.
You’re a sweet girl who’s always biddable and mild.
I’ve only to snap my fingers and you appear
For that I’ve always held you very dear
MARIANE
For your love dear father, I am your debtor,
ORGON
Well said girl. Oh this couldn’t be going any better
Well it’s time for father to call in the debt
and for you dear daughter to obey me yet
MARIANE
I shall do nothing sir to earn reproof
ORGON
Good . What do you think of our guest Tartuffe?
MARIANE
Think?
ORGON
That’s right, think of Tartuffe our guest
MARIANE
Tell me what you want to hear
ORGON
that might be best.
He imitates her voice and action
19
ORGON
Tell me “I think he is the best of men.
He’s touched my yearning heart beyond all ken.
If you so wish it, should it be your whim.
to so command me, then I would marry him”
Pause. She drops the simpering and posturing
MARIANE
Eh?
ORGON
What
MARIANE
What what?
ORGON
Now don’t you start
MARIANE
Did I mis-hear you?
ORGON
What?
MARIANE
No, not that part.
The “best of men” and then “touch my heart”
and all the other bits about wishes and whim
and that you want to , want me to marry him.
Who are you talking about? I want to know
ORGON
Why of Tartuffe. I told you so.
She returns to manipulating as Daddy’s Girl
MARIANE
But dear father you know that’s a complete lie.
Saying it makes it true? Tell me why?
ORGON
Because I want it so, so shall it be.
Good enough for you, this is arranged by me.
20
MARIANE
You mean?
ORGON
To tie Tartuffe to this family my sweet
I’m going to utilise the bloody sheet
from your wedding bed. Am I getting through.?
Or shall I draw little pictures for you
MARIANE
I don’t think
ORGON
What you think I don’t care.
Dorine!
He turns round and catches DORINE watching.
2 SCENE TWO
ORGON
What the hell are you doing there?
DORINE
I thought I’d better come and give the word
of some crazy daft patter that I’ve just heard.
The crack is, that you mean her to wed Tartuffe.
I laughed it off. It’s nowhere near the truth
ORGON
You find it incredible
DORINE
Yes I really do.
I won’t believe that tale . Even from you
ORGON
Well you will believe it when its done
DORINE
Oh go on sir now you are having me on
ORGON
Will you shut up. Remember that I’m the master
and I mean to have them up before the pastor.
21
DORINE
Keep your hair on !
What does a creepy bigot want with missy.
Got all that praying and stuff to keep him busy.
What’s more, perhaps you might like to illume
Why you pick out such a beggar for her groom
ORGON
Speak of his poverty with reverence
so born of saintly purpose so intense.
His contemplation being heaven’s treasures,
he neglected family interests, worldly measures.
But though his soul’s clean shriven by denial,
his penury is constantly a trial.
I vow with all my heart I will campaign
Tartuffe’s estates and fortunes to regain.
(Whispered)
Though not yet in possession of his seat
He’s a aristo, blue blooded. Be discreet
DORINE
Discreet. There’s no point at all in telling us
when he’s forever making such a fuss.
Why a saint should always be bragging so
banging on about “Me lands and old Chateau”.
But leaving his nobility aside,
You’re not serious about her being his bride.
To lumber her with him would be a crime.
You’d regret the consequences in no time.
She’s young and pretty. He’s no fashion plate.
She indicates the Tartuffe actor with some disgust that seems to be personal...he reacts
offended
DORINE
Think what temptation that might soon create
ORGON
Her virtue
DORINE
Exactly what you’ve put at stake.
By forcing on her this marital mistake.
If you expose her so to this temptation.
You’d be responsible for her damnation
22
ORGON
Oh now the hired hand is sermonising
DORINE
Just heed well my sensible advising
ORGON
Enough. Mariane take no more heed of her
and put aside all hopes of young Valere.
I know I promised. But now my girl I hear
that he gambles. And what’s more I fear
his visits to our church are far and few
DORINE
Perhaps he goes at different times to you
and doesn’t advertise his true devotions
standing on the pew going through all the motions.
She and all the cast cross themselves over-enthusiastically
DORINE
Setting off a dozen blazing roman candles
louder Halleluiahs than even Freddie Handel’s.
ORGON
For the last time girl no-one’s asking you
DORINE
He must be joking or he’s had a few
Orgon puts Mariane in the frame with Tartuffe
ORGON
The spiritual riches Tartuffe will you provide.
And I’ll take care of all the financial side.
This combination’s a certain recipe
for married bliss and perfect harmony. *
Just like a pair of cooing turtle doves
you’ll be the perfect couple ideal loves.
Everything a marriage needed on a salver
* Dorine drags Mariane out of the frame and out of Tartuffe’s clutches
DORINE
And what about a bit of how’s your father.
23
ORGON
Do something for me will you, hold your tongue.
Don’t shove your nose where it don’t belong
DORINE
For your own good
ORGON
Really you are too kind.
But I’ll handle this myself, If you don’t mind
DORINE
Sir I’m just demonstrating my affection
ORGON
Woman did you not hear my last objection
DORINE
Overruled! My Conscience wouldn’t ever rest
ORGON
If you don’t hold your tongue you little pest
DORINE
If I let this stupid marriage go ahead,
I’d ne’er forgive myself you dunderhead.
ORGON
Right that’s the straw that broke the camels back.
If you don’t button it, you get the sack.
Not another word
DORINE (aside)
Alright (Beat)But I’m still thinking
Dorine makes a show of not speaking. Holding her breath and getting ready to burst.
ORGON
(To Mariane)
Now daughter, things could be far worse
DORINE
I can’t keep this up. I think I’ll burst
24
ORGON
I’ll admit Tartuffe may well not really be
the handsomest of men.
[Dorine snorts]
Yes I agree. but he does have
He turns quickly to try and catch her talking, in a sort of Grandmothers footsteps fashion.
ORGON
other qualities
He turns again
ORGON
to admire.
You may not appreci
turns again
ate
DORINE
I’ll catch on fire.
If I were her he wouldn’t marry me.
I’d soon sort him out very easily.
Before the wedding breakfast was getting cold.
I’d’ve got myself a toy-boy not that old.
Orgon rounds on her
DORINE
Just thinking
ORGON
Did you absolutely not understand.
Shut up or feel the weight of my flat hand.
Orgon turns to Mariane and starts to speak then * tries to catch DORINE talking to give
her a clout
ORGON
Its done * and dusted * you must obey *
(to DORINE)
25
Not talking woman
DORINE
No! Got nowt to say
ORGON
Nothing?
DORINE
rien, zilch, zip, de nada
ORGON
You could speak if you tried a little harder
DORINE
(Trying not to move her mouth)
I’m speechless sir,
ORGON
Lassie somehow I doubt it.
Come on mouthy miss just try and flout it
Come on just a word. Come on harrass
DORINE
No! Thank you kind sir this time I’ll pass
ORGON
A syllable? Go.
DORINE
(After shaking her head five beats in metre)
No
ORGON
Could you not have sniggered, snorted, laughed ?
She imitates his long A
DORINE
Come to mention it sir,I’m not that darft.
ORGON
(To Mariane)
Now you Mariane just get one thing straight
Its all arranged. Tartuffe shall be your mate
26
DORINE
I’d not wed such a monster, not for a joke.
She ducks out of reach and scuttles off
ORGON
Oh she riles me so it makes me choke.
She winds me up and really gets my goat
Oh how I wish now that I had smote.
cos I’m nettled, strung up and what’s worse,
I’m so so angry I could burst.
DORINE
(Popping back for the last word)
Honestly have you ever heard such silly talk
ORGON
Daughter. I think I’ll go for a little walk.
ACT TWO SCENE THREE
DORINE
What’s up with you miss, cat got your tongue?
How come it falls to me to sing your song.
Faced with a future hideous and absurd
Could you not come up with one dissenting word.
MARIANE
It is his wish
DORINE
Its your love, your life, your desires.
In your heart Tartuffe must light the fires
not your fathers. If he thinks he’s such a catch,
then let your Pa wed Tartuffe . A perfect match.
MARIANE
What would you have me do. He’s absolute
DORINE
Stand up for yourself Miss, be resolute.
MARIANE
27
Its not a case of standing ‘gainst a whim
I am bound by law so to be ruled by him
and by the honoured custom of our caste.
So no glib talk Dorine of standing fast.
DORINE
Empires come and go, but love is rare.
I think that you don’t really love Valere.
MARIANE
How can you say such things. Dorine you know
A thousand times I told you that I loved him so.
DORINE
You said so! But we all know that talk is cheap
Perhaps your true feelings don’t run so very deep
MARIANE
It was a bad mistake so freely to confide.
If you mock me. When my love I cannot hide!
Having moved Mariane to this declaration DORINE relents.
DORINE
I believe you
MARIANE
Do you?
DORINE
Yes I truly do.
What of Valere? Mariane is he in love with you?
MARIANE
I believe so
DORINE
And you both burn with equal fire?
This marriage is what both of you desire
MARIANE
It is.
DORINE
28
And Tartuffe. What of your father’s plan
MARIANE
I’ll kill myself if I’m forced to wed that man.
DORINE
Oh yes ! A canny idea I’d never thought about.
Top yourself and bingo its all sorted out.
Grow up lass For God’s sake don’t stand and snivel
“Pity me!” Don’t gimme this Barbara Cartland drivel.
MARIANE
Don’t shout at me. Dorrine Why the assault.
What can I do. It’s all the system’s fault
[If Geordie Dorine says
DORINE
Hadaway and merde lass. You’ll get wrong]
Or
You sackless Annie. You’ll get wrong
if you don’t stop whining and start to use your tongue.
MARIANE
But it’s not my place to start a right palaver,
Its Valere, the man who ought to deal with father
DORINE
With Dad playing from the bottom of the deck.
“This bad hand’s Valere’s fault”, Oh is it heck!.
You must fight girl. There’s the trumpet, hark!
MARIANE
I don’t think I’m cut out for Joan of Arc.
Must I really take up arms as you suggest?
DORINE
We’ll forget the haircut and the leather vest
MARIANE
Its no joke.
As they thought of her, so will they think of me
Lacking in respect and female modesty
Now you Dorine might not be all that fussy
29
but I don’t want folk thinking I’m a hussy.
Dorine reacts to this backhanded insult which Mariane has no idea she’s just offered
DORINE
Well Tartuffe’s your man then, you’re his bride
You so determined to be there by his side,
Dorine pushes Mariane into the picture frame. Tartuffe “lechers” over her. Mariane
escapes
MARIANE
Oh stop Dorine stop joking will you please.
The situations far too desperate to tease
Dorine drags her back into the frame
DORINE
No sorry, your bed is made, your fish are fried.
Accept it. You deserve to be Tartuffified
Mariane escapes again
MARIANE
Since you mock me and laugh into my face
I’ll away to some deep pool and seek solace.
Despair shall be my counsellor and my friend
I’ll soon bring all my sorrows to an end
She starts to leave
DORINE
Oh forget the weeds Ophelia. I’ve relented.
I cannot bear to see you so discontented
MARIANE
If father presses on with such a scheme
I really will die. I mean it Dorine
DORINE
I know. We’ll think of something else ma chere
I’m not sure what Hush. Here comes Valere
ACT TWO SCENE FOUR
30
Cleante steps into Lover/Hero Mode and strikes up a pose and persona to suit.
DORINE
Hush. Here comes Valere
VALERE
(coldly)
A little bird’s just brought me up to speed.
Congratulations madam. Good news indeed
MARIANE
What?
VALERE
Marrying Tartuffe. Is that not right?
Or has somebody been joking out of spite
MARIANE
No fathers gone and got it in his head
Changed his mind. Its Tartuffe that I must wed.
VALERE
Seriously?
MARIANE
Yes Unfortunately so.
He’s set his heart upon it
VALERE
Nice to know.
And your heart madam, Tell me where’s that set?
MARIANE
Don’t know
VALERE
Honest answer
DORINE
here come’s the big duet.
MARIANE
What would you advise me now to do?
31
VALERE
Me? Advise?
MARIANE
Yes sir, I spoke to you.
VALERE
You really want to know just how I feel?
MARIANE
Indeed
VALERE
Marry him. You two would be ideal.
MARIANE
That’s your advice?
VALERE
Yes
MARIANE
Truly?
VALERE
Oh absolutely
MARIANE
I’ll follow the advice most resolutely.
VALERE
Do. I’m sure you won’t lose any sleep.
MARIANE
Offering it didn’t exactly make you weep.
VALERE
I gave the advice, madam, merely to please.
MARIANE
and I’ll follow it, sir, simply to appease.
DORINE
Tears before bedtime. That’s where this leads
Makes me want to go and bang their silly heads
32
VALERE
Where your affections lie, we now can see
you lied about your supposed love for me
MARIANE
I beg your pardon! Drop the injured act!
You just abandoned me and that’s a fact
Why you didn’t quibble,didn’t even voice
a single objection to my fathers choice!
VALERE
Its me that’s false oh now that is a good un
DORINE
Which one’ll prove they can win at “stubborn”
VALERE
I think you’d already quite made up your mind
To give me the elbow Ma’mselle and now I find
this silly “advice thing” that your using
‘s just a cover-up to hide your prior choosing.
MARIANE
Think what you like. You never did love me
VALERE
The sentiment’s mutual. On that we do agree.
You’ve spurned my offer. I’ll think you’ll find
there’s*others who won’t be quite so unkind
He makes reference to someone in the audience and goes over to flirt with them
MARIANE
On so its “ plenty more fish swimming in the seas”
I’m sure the cod’ll appreciate your fine qualities.
VALERE
Forget my fine qualities, forget the damn fish
Yes there’s someone else, she’s quite a dish
MARIANE
Could be a bunny boiling stew for all I care.
How painlessly your heart you will transfer
The Cast take up violin-playing poses to the Hearts and Flowers “silent movie” theme.
Valere returns to the stage, pulls out a very large hanky.
33
VALERE
The pain I feel at being cast aside
I’ll do my best to take right in my stride
Despite his fine words he begins to break down. The last line is blubbed through childish
tears
VALERE
Madam I have absolutely no intention
of pining like a cur for your attention.
I’ve got much more self respect than that.
MARIANE
Noble sentiments, Quite the aristocrat
VALERE
Noble or not it just makes good sense
to walk away and a new life to commence.
Whilst you skip off like Little Red Riding Hood
and play with slavvering wolves amidst the wood.
You expect me your torch to carry high
and tend the flames of love. Oh madam why?
MARIANE
I do not. Be off to your new diamond.
Perhaps she’s in the market for a fireman.
VALERE
I’m off
MARIANE
fine
Both go to leave and then come back
VALERE
had about as much as I can take
I’m leaving
MARIANE
Well do get off for goodness sake
They both “false-exit”again
34
VALERE
You realise you made me do this
MARIANE
good
VALERE
As long as that is completely understood
They leave and return again
VALERE
You shall never see my face again
MARIANE
Excellent!
She puts up her fan between their faces
DORINE
Pair of em’s guite insane
He storms off “to the door” . Together they both pretend that they’ve heard the other say
something
MARIANE
What?
VALERE
Sorry. You called ?
MARIANE
me? I never.
Another false exit
MARIANE
What’s that
VALERE
Nothing
MARIANE
You sure?
35
VALERE
whatsoever
They now go to a slow “Romantic exit”
MARIANE
Then its good bye
VALERE
Goodbye
MARIANE
Goodbye. Farewell
VALERE
Farewell. Adieu
MARIANE
Adieu
DORINE
Oh flaming hell
Time out! I wondered just how far you’d go
She runs over to Valere and grabs his hand.
DORINE
Hang on M’sieur Valere. Hold on a mo.
VALERE
It’s no use, there can be no turning back
DORINE
I’ve had enough of all this alas alack
MARIANE
He hates the sight of me that’s very plain
so I’ll leave and spare the man the pain.
DORINE
Oh now she’s off
She drops Valere’s hand and runs after Mariane
DORINE
Mariane please don’t run away
36
MARIANE
There really isn’t anymore to say
DORINE
Miss please be serious. You cannot. No!
MARIANE
I must, please, will you just let go
VALERE
She cannot bear my presence I perceive
to alleviate the torture I shall leave.
Dorinne has to chase back after him
DORINE
Again with the leaving! I warn you sir don’t try it
Now the pair of you come here and just be quiet
MARIANE/VALERE
You saw the way (s)he treated me just now
MARIANE
VALERE
She started it I vow
DORINE
ha’d your gobs! { or Shut your cakeholes}
Shocked they cower
DORINE
Now first we’ll deal with you M’sieur Valere.
She only ever wanted you I’ll swear
he loves you only, wants no other wife
than you Marianne. To that I’d pledge my life
MARIANE
Then why you advised me so, I just can’t see
VALERE
On such a subject you need advice of me
DORINE
Now now. Give me you hands, first you
37
and now the other. Come, now we’ve got two.
I think the pair of you must just admit
you suit each other. Look a perfect fit.
They hold hands for quite a while without looking at each other. Then they look and
smirk and then hide behind the fan for a kiss.
DORINE
Wow hold your horses if you can
Now’s the time to discuss our battle plan
VALERE
What can we do?
DORINE
Everything and anything to hand
To scupper this mad scheme your father’s planned.
(To Mariane)
Firstly Miss you must smile and humour him
and seem to go along with this daft whim.
And then you’re going to have to play for time.
Well to rush a nice girl’s wedding’d be a crime.
Obviously you can hum and haw about The Day
and there’s Lists and Invites that can cause delay.
That’s just for starters, next we must get tricky
That’s when you fall and faint and pull a sicky.
Next move up, we play the hangman card
this nuptial's rash itinerary to retard.
For all kinds of omens lurch across your path
MARIANE
I meet a hearse or break a looking glass.
Dream of dark dank pools or of the Virgin
DORINE
who tells you to hold on with solemn urgin’.
All of these manoeuvres can give us room
to somehow some day substitute the groom
for one of your choice. And you must remember
we could hang on until at least November
for miss I must on you once more impress
that it isn’t over until the bride sings “Yes”.
38
(to Valere)
Now whilst we girls are so prevaricating
you sir will be out and about negotiating
with all your friends, for them to bring to bear
their influence and all their savoir-faire.
VALERE
To make her father finally see some sense
and recognize the error of his offence.
DORINE
Meantime I’ll prod her brother into action,
and I’m sure Mama Elmire’ll join our faction.
Goodbye
The Cast hum romantic music under. Dorine gets all weeepy and wipes her eyes on the
end of Valeres hanky
VALERE
(to Mariane)
Adieu my love I’ll try my best
But its on your true heart that all my hopes will rest
MARIANE
No matter what my old father may decide.
None but you will ever take me as his bride
VALERE
I can face up to any struggle if that’s true
DORINE
Lovers.
She blows her nose and puts a stop to the lovey dovey stuff
Less matinee chat! Be off with you
The lovers go to exit then return
VALERE/MARIANE
Finally
39
DORINE
Finally schminally. No time for that.
Kiss.
They make a meal of approaching for the kiss in slow motion . The cast start the romantic
music again. The kiss becomes a full on clinch and so Dorine splits them up be giving
Valere a clout on the behind.
DORINE
Then you go that way and you go that
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE SCENE ONE
Enter Damis in a right latherof fury
DAMIS
May Great Jove’s shafts of lightning strike me dead
and thunderbolts crash down upon my head.
May all the world enshame me as a coward
Contempt and ignominy upon me showered
If I do not release my sister from this hurt
and grind this trickster Tartuffe into the dirt
May demons rip out my guts and strike me blind
May devils roam unfettered in my mind
May
DORINE
will have come and will have gone,
Damis, whilst you go thunder-blund’ring on,
She calms him by stroking his face with her feather duster
Calm down, calm down, calm down just get a grip
Compose yourself and put away your whip.
DAMIS
No I’ll see Tartuffe and have a quiet word
DORINE
Quiet! More like the sort that we’ve just heard
I’d rather let your stepmother have a go
at sorting out this daft imbroglio.
She’ll calm your Pa and get him off the roof
and she’s going to have a word with our Tartuffe.
40
Ask him not to fall in with fathers silly plan.
but to refuse the marriage and play the man.
I think he’s rather fallen for her charm.
If true t’would do our noble cause no harm.
At the moment he’s a saying of his prayer
Then she wants words with him on this affair
DAMIS
Oh I think I’d like to stay and listen in
DORINE
We don’t want you to lose it, make a din
DAMIS
I’ll hide and be as silent as the dead
DORINE
I think we’ll get walking talking dead instead
DAMIS
I promise. Look I have a perfect right
DORINE
You’re a nuisance. He’s coming, get out of sight.
SCENE TWO
Enter Tartuffe who sees Dorine and assumes a pious demeanour and turns back
DORINE
One moment sir
TARTUFFE
I’ll be with you directly
I’ve forgotten to hang my hair shirt up correctly.
And to pop my scourge back in the bottom drawer
DORINE
A moment sir. I Promise . Won’t keep you more
TARTUFFE
Good, cos I’m away to prison now to share
my last few pence with the poor wretches there.
DORINE (aside)
Why not just take a full page in the Journal
41
Now sir
Tartuffe covers his eyes at the sight of Dorine’s cleavage.
TARTUFFE
Oh my dear woman. What a sight infernal!
Dorine pretends not to understand and at * shoves her boobs in his face to emphasise the
words.
DORINE
What the hell are you fussing on about
There’s no need to rant * and rave * and shout*
TARTUFFE
On your bosom, please place this handkerchief
and from temptation give me some relief.
Such unclean thoughts are very hard to control
Lewd sights as these can undermine the soul
DORINE
Doesn’t take much to get you going, flower.
She gives him a tickle with her feather duster
I could see you standing naked in the shower
not give a monkeys..
TARTUFFE
Please more modesty
Or I shall now be forced to turn and flee
DORINE
On no need. We’ll soon be on our way.
Before I go there’s just one thing to say.
Madame will soon be here and begs you, sir,
to wait and have a word or two with her.
TARTUFFE
Of course. Of course . T’would be my pleasure
DORINE
Yes not half. I thought I’d got his measure.
He’s keen on Madame is our little sugarplums
TARTUFFE
42
Will she be long?
DORINE
Indeed not , for here she comes
SCENE THREE
Enter Elmire Exit Dorine
TARTUFFE
May Heaven, whence I’ve cast my humble plea
Preserve you body and soul in serenity
With perfect health and happiness bless your day
ELMIRE
Sir I thank you. Its most kind of you to say.
And good of you to so concern yourself
with my poor soul’s well being and my health
But now lets address ourselves to matters normal
shall we take a walk and be a bit less formal
TARTUFFE
You’re feeling better then, since I saw you last?
ELMIRE
Thank you for asking, Yes the fever’s past
TARTUFFE
I do not claim the prayers of such as I
a wretch, could bring about this grace on high.
But madame I persevered. Every supplication
has been for your most swift recuperation.
ELMIRE
Too kind. I vote we move on the agenda
Next business.
TARTUFFE
Madame I am all attender
ELMIRE
A private matter I’d like us to discuss
I’m glad there’s no-one here to hinder us
43
TARTUFFE
Oh madame I do so admire your tone
for I too am very glad that we’re alone.
An assignation that Heaven long has meant
but until now opportunity never sent
ELMIRE
Ye-es. Now Frank
TARTUFFE
Sorry?
ELMIRE
I want you to be
Entirely open and unrestrained with me
TARTUFFE
I think I might just be able to manage that
I’ll keep nothing back in this our intimate chat.
And let me say that my fierce opposition
to visitors here was not mean disposition
but rather a truly pure and deep devotion
ELMIRE
Yes I did rather understand the notion
your sole concern was my dear souls salvation
There’s no more need for further explanation
TARTUFFE
Oh can you my fervour really understand
ELMIRE
Let go! Let go! You’re going to break my hand
TARTUFFE
Oh Madam I’m so sorry, what can I say
My zeal just simply carries me away
The speech carries his hand right onto her knee
TARTUFFE
I wouldn’t hurt you for all the world, I swear
I’d rather
ELMIRE
What can your hand be doing there?
44
he siezes and squeezes her hand
TARTUFFE
Oh! just feeling your dress. Such lovely stuff
ELMIRE
Well you’re tickling sir, that’s quite enough
She pulls away he follows and starts fondling the lace on the body of her gown.
TARTUFFE
My what lovely work and such gorgeous points,
And so genuine. Y’know it disappoints
if its not the real thing.
ELMIRE
How very true
And now to business. Sir I ask, have you
heard about my husbands rather novel plan
to invite yourself to join our little clan
instead of young Valere. He’ll break his word
and give Mariane to you sir. Had you heard?
TARTUFFE
Well he may have mentioned it, I do confess.
But madam I seek a diff’rent happiness
Its on beauties elsewhere that I turn my eyes
To gaze with rapture on another prize
ELMIRE
I understand. You care for nothing down below.
TARTUFFE
I wouldn’t go quite that far madam. Oh no.
My heart’s not made of stone. I’m just a man
ELMIRE
One more suited to the clerics’s dark soutane
and who’s gaze is purely fixed on heaven above.
ELMIRE CONT
Nothing earthly and impure could hold your love.
Put in his place Tartuffe has to admit she has a point but then will try again
TARTUFFE
Quite true, but in this world we must take care
to see God’s beauteous work lies everywhere.
45
We must glory in our senses captivated
by the perfect works our good Lord has created.
Be it roses in flower or...
At the word flower Tartuffe clicks his fingers and to his smug satisfaction the rest of the
cast whip out a bunch of roses each
ELMIRE
songbirds on the wing
She clicks her finger and they have to do birdsong. The Dorinne actor produces a
raucous cawing which has the Tartuffe actor telling her to watch it
TARTUFFE
or the beauty of women. Now Elmire there’s a thing.
Lets just take as an example, Madame your face.
a canvas He has painted titled “Beauty and Grace”
A jewel chosen by our heavenly Master
to form and shape as we might alabaster.
From admiring, should I not move on to love
these bounties sent to me by heaven above.
Not just by artists intent to be enraptured
but by the object itself my heart is captured.
At first I thought,No! Tartuffe beware!
Such physical beauty could be the devil’s snare.
And so I tried to steel and steel my heart.
Keep my distance from you, remain apart
But dear lady I then became aware
That love for you could be made to square
With love of heaven’s gifts and with my duty.
So I surrendered completely to your beauty.
I know its very presumptuous on my part
In your hands to lay this miserable gift my heart.
My future happiness is your decision
Peace and solace or heart’s deep incision
Tis up to you,Elmire, shall I be blessed?
or with woe and misery be cruelly cursed.
ELMIRE
Well I’m glad you’ve got that off your chest,
I have to say that it might have been best
if we had completely avoided this little outpour
and you had steeled yourself a little more.
thus firmly on the bridle kept your passion
and not bolting off in such a fashion
I do not wish to mention impropriety,
46
but what has happened to your vaunted piety
TARTUFFE
Please! for all my devotions I’m still a man
Not an angel, though some may think I am
And with your heavenly charms before my eyes
that my soul’s bewitched should come as no surprise.
Your wondrous charms madame forced me to yield
and as for my heart, yes it was steeled
away by you and no amount of prayer’d
free what’s been so artfully ensnared
Madame I’ll freely give you all I own
A love so consuming as you’ve never known.
But I would just like to make a practical point
You’ll not find me braggin around the joint
Like some court gallant puffed up in pride
broadcasting his latest conquests far and wide
If you lay your sweet heart upon my altar
my utter discretion will never falter.
You see the concern I have for my good name
means that your reputation will remain
unsullied. Now what an offer dear Elmire
Love without scandal, pleasure without fear
ELMIRE
What well turned phrases. Such brave bon mots
And so crystal clear, But I don’t know.
What if I tell my husband. What happens then
he’s hardly likely to cry “amen amen ”
And though he’s fallen for your all eyewash
On your alliance this could put the kybosh
TARTUFFE
I am at your mercy, woman do as you will
lift me up to heaven, cast me to hell
Be generous madame for human flesh is weak
and I am all passion driven, so to speak
TARTUFFE CONT
Look in the mirror, there you’ll realise
who could resist you. No man who has eyes
ELMIRE
Ah sir you have a way with winning words
And a twinkle that you think can charm the birds.
You’re right Tartuffe, I have you at my mercy
47
and I could extract a payment very pricey.
Though others might tell their husband in a trice
You’ll have my silence M’sieur, for a price
If I keep mum about what has occurred
You must give me your utterly solemn word
that you will ever, as mightily as you can
champion the cause of Valere and Mariane.
What’s more you will abandon any claim
on her yourself and will for ever abstain.
If so then things turn out rather swell
Then we can all keep quiet
SCENE FOUR
Damis comes out of “Hiding”.
DAMIS
Can we hell!
Oh no madame no cover up, I firmly state.
I want to make the most of Tartuffe-gate.
The arrogance. No chance of being caught?
Well here’s the hard lesson that he needs taught.
In the scales of justice we will weigh
His hypocrisy and insolence today.
And the scales from father’s eyes we’ll tear
to see his foul heart and treachery stripped bare
ELMIRE
No Damis. He behaves himself, that will suffice.
To go back on my promise wouldn’t be nice.
For I’m sure M’siuer will be surely striving
to merit the leniency that I’m advising.
Let’s rise above it. I would really rather
play it cool and not alarm your father
DAMIS
Not alarm! You have your reasons madame, fine.
But you must understand that I have mine.
What! let him think he can do his worst
Makes me so very angry I could burst.
I’ve kept quiet in this house for far too long
Letting this imposter siren his song
bringing bitterness and nought but strife
48
and ruining the peace of family life.
He’s interfered in father’s private affairs
Ruined my marriage prospects and Valere’s.
Now providence has delivered him up to me
We must take proffered vengeance don’t you see
Not throw this gift straight back in the face
of its Provider. Never! What disgrace.
ELMIRE
Damis
During this next scene Damis begins to celebrate wildly like a footballer scoring a goal
and taking off his shirt. WITH SIX This means that he is on this occasion entirely ready to
turn into Orgon instantly. The shirt (or Tabard)gets passed around the others and alights
with the Mariane actor
DAMIS
No I must do what I think right
and how my heart bursts with delight
Vengeance is mine! Now just witness it
No. You cannot talk me out of it
And now here comes father right on cue.
ACT THREE SCENE FIVE
Enter Orgon
ORGON
Damis
The Damis shirt has just reached the actor as Orgon addresses her so she has to pull it
on over her own ballerina outfit. There is some incongruity between the top and bottom
half of her attire
She comes forward still in her rather delicate Daddy’s little girl mode
MARIANE/DAMIS
Papa
ALL
No not like that..etc
They indicate a more appropriate masculine stance and demeanour. Mariane expresses
reluctance and then resigned to her task, gives a manly hitching-up gesture of her groin
49
and launches full throttle into Damis’ character and physicality. All laddish shoulders
and Jack the Lad head... whatever the other actor has used.
DAMIS
Papa, have I got news for you
For all the indulgence of your pious guest
you’ve been paid back royally with interest
I tell you sir Believe me upon my life
He’s just tried it on with your young wife.
I myself overheard this adulterous offer
for himself as lover he did gallantly proffer.
She with sweet heart and gentle disposition
would not have informed you of his proposition.
But I’m different. Silence would be treachery
Father I present this scoundrel’s lechery
ELMIRE
Oh dear! Damis You’ll make your father ill.
Making eruptions out of this little molehill
There is no case at all for me to answer
My honour, not you shields me from this chancer.
Your concern is fine. Your blund’ring less endearing.
I wish you’d listened and not gone interfering
She exits
ACT THREE SCENE SIX
Orgon goes over and hovers threateningly over Tartuffe hands moving toward his throat
ORGON
Oh God is it true? This dreadful thing I hear
NB SILENT PHYSICAL THEATRE LAZZI
Tartuffe goes to say “No” but can’t quite get it out as Orgon makes a move nearer.
Tartuffe pauses, thinks about saying no again and once more can’t bring himself to say it.
Orgon’s behind Tartuffe now and his hands are getting nearer to being round T’s throat.
Tartuffe appears to launch himself into a strong denial with upraised hand but then
collapses back as he decides that won’t work either.
Orgon’s hands come nearer, Tartuffe closes his eyes and then open one to check Orgon’s
progress. Just as Orgon is about to close round his throat Tartuffe has a brainwave and
whispers
TARTUFFE
50
Yes
Which produces a surprised reaction from all. Orgon drops away.
TARTUFFE
Brother! I’m a terrible man I fear.
a reprobate all depraved and twisted
The biggest sinner that ever has existed
Every instant of my life is foul and tainted
a steaming dungill of sins as gross as painted.
I see that heaven has this appropriate occasion
chosen for my deserved mortification.
Whilst pouring out this confession as sincerely as he can, Tartuffe manouveres himself
up to Damis and as he demonstrates “Lift the Cudgel” he throws out his arm trying to
land a blow on Damis who has to duck right down
Oh sir lift the cudgel. Take the first stone
On “drive” Tartuffe repeats his attempt to land a roundhouse backhander on Damis who
again ducks
and drive me like a criminal from your home
On “beat” in the next line, the Damis actor thinks they hear another cue for a blow and
ducks again. However Tartuffe doesn’t do it which leaves her cowering for no reason and
the Tartuffe actor giving a surprised look of “What are you doing down there”
Yes beat me off with ringing parting curse
Tartuffe now goes for the big finish and collapses into a flood of crocodile tears,
And lay it on thick for I deserve the worst
Histrionics then a silent pause as they all take in his excess somewhat stunned. Then
suddenly without warning Orgon turn on son Damis
ORGON
You stupid boy! Scoundrel. How dare you try
To slander his good name with such a lie.
DAMIS
Don’t tell me you’ve gone and swallowed all his guff
Laying it on thick. “Dunghills of sins”,
ORGON
51
Enough!
TARTUFFE
Oh brother I beg, please don’t hurt the lad
I’d rather he were believed than he felt bad
on his knees to Damis
TARTUFFE
Come on my son, let the charges run free
Sinner, murderer, debaucher, thief that’s me
I deserve it all for the foul life I’ve lead
Come take your execution axe, I’ll bow my head
ORGON
This is too much dear brother
Damis snorts, he thinks its too much bull.
ORGON (to Damis)
Have you no heart
Can’t you see how you tear the poor man apart
DAMIS
Can’t you see
ORGON
No. not one word more
(to Tartuffe)
Please get up,don’t languish on the floor
DAMIS
But he’s
ORGON
told you once, just shut it you
DAMIS
trying to pull the wool
ORGON
That will do
Just one word more and I’ll tear you limb from limb
52
TARTUFFE
In the name of God Brother, you’re too harsh with him.
ORGON
(to Damis)
Callous wretch, your behaviour’s truly hateful
See how he forgive’s you and be grateful
DAMIS
But
ORGON
Oh I see through you as clear as day
I know what’s behind these dreadful things you say.
You’re all in on it. Oh. I see your plot
Don’t you think that I don’t know what’s what.
Between he and I you’re trying to drive a wedge
But it won’t work and you have my solemn pledge,
that to spite you all and confound your pride
This very night Mariane shall be his bride.
DAMIS
Tonight!
ORGON
That’s right. Oh I see you’re getting the idea
I’m to be obeyed. I’m the master here
(to Damis)
You Damis, on your knees and take it back
And beg his gracious pardon for your foul attack
DAMIS
Beg this con man’s pardon. No I’d rather
ORGON
Insult to injury. You dare defy your father
I’ll show you what’s for, just you watch me
A stick, a stick
Tartuffe produces one
No. Don’t try and stop me
53
Tartuffe, who never had any intention of stopping him, ushers him into battle
ORGON (CONT’D)
(to Damis)
Get out of my house. Never darken it again
DAMIS
I shall go but
ORGON
Well get out then.
What’s more. I’ll cut you off without a penny
Neither money nor blessing from me there won’t be any
No I have just one gift for your empty purse
What your insolence deserves. A father’s curse
Chaos as Orgon chases Damis in and out of the others who collide with each other
avoiding the stick etc. Damis escapes. The others flee. Tartuffe watches triumphantly.
ACT THREE. SCENE SEVEN
Tartuffe & Orgon are alone. Orgon panting, out of breath
ORGON
My own flesh and blood. Slandering a saint like you.
TARTUFFE
Forgive him for they know not what they do.
But Brother how it does upset me so,
To see such dreadful bile and poison flow
That they would try and mar our friendship thus
Oh dear. I’m quite o’ercome by all the fuss
ORGON
Calm yourself. Don’t be upset my friend
TARTUFFE
I’ll try, but these dreadful scenes must end.
I’ve really upset your family and perceive
that the best thing will be for me to quickly leave
The others all rush to him with his hat, coat, umbrella, suitcase and Air France ticket.
ORGON
You’ll do no such thing at all. Why should you go?
it’s my house. Here loyalty to me they owe
54
TARTUFFE
They hate me.*Everyone’s all against me here*
They’d have you think that I’m insincere*
At * the others all nod in agreement
ORGON
With no success. Look at my reaction
TARTUFFE
Yes but they won’t give up, that awful faction
And what you now may repudiate
They could make you believe at later date
ORGON
No Brother never.
TARTUFFE
You know a wife may sway
Her husband’s mind in many a crafty way
ORGON
no no
TARTUFFE
Let me go
Again they surround him with his leaving kit. Tartuffe shrugs them off
TARTUFFE
and pass on this poison chalice
They’ll soon find another target for their malice
ORGON
No it would be the end of me if you went
(Pause then Tartuffe relents far too quickly)
TARTUFFE
If you’re certain then I will so relent.
But I’m sure that if here I do remain
It will bring much martyrdom & pain
He drives the others away with the stick taken from Orgon. They make a family group in
the picture frame. One of them holds a large rolled document
But if you’re sure
55
ORGON
Oh yes!
TARTUFFE
Then I will bear it
ORGON
They’ll not harm you for I solemnly swear it
TARTUFFE
Thank you. I’ll do my best to avoid the strife
Which reminds me, I really should avoid your wife
ORGON
You will not. No au contraire
You will spend even more time alone with her.
How about that for a nasty grudge to harbour.
Teach the sneaks to go telling tales to father.
What’s more, I’ll drive ‘em all to despair
By making you, Tartuffe, my son and heir
He goes to “ the picture” and wrestles the document from his family
ORGON
With all my worldly goods I thee endow
Son in law, friend, heir. Yes! now
you’re more than wife or child or kin to me.
Tightly bonded together we shall be.
Will you feel able to accept this gift my son
TARTUFFE
Well...if it is Heavens will. Let it be done
ORGON
Poor fellow. Lets’s find a lawyer. Draw up the deed
And watch my brood explode with thwarted greed.
To music they process off , Tartuffe casting knowing looks of triumph into the audience.
There is now a moment of complicity between the other masked actors and the audience.
So they watch Tartuffe and Orgon go. Then come forward and in unison shrug in
disbelief. They retreat to the rear of the stage and taking off their masks reveal again their
white faces underneath. Silently they indicate “You’d be able to tell what was a true face
and what was a mask Wouldn’t you”
They leave in solemn procession holding their masks to the audience. The last one off
pauses and lifts the mask up close by his face again for comparison ..and then leaves.
56
END SCENE THREE
END PART ONE
57
INTERVAL
PART TWO
To music the actors present a physical theatre vignette of scandalized townspeople
whispering to each other about Orgon’s behaviour whilst he himself stands as though
explaining himself very plausibly. Tartuffe lurks and drives off the others. This sequence
non verbally does the work of a section of text in which the audience learn how
scandalized the so-called respectable world is about Orgon’s behavior.
ACT FOUR SCENE ONE
Then Cleante steps forward to buttonhole Tartuffe
CLEANTE
Good day sir
TARTUFFE
M’sieur Cleante, Good day to you
CLEANTE
We’re well met sir, now I can give my view
of this trouble you’ve stirred in a word or two
TARTUFFE
(aside)
I doubt it
CLEANTE
sorry
TARTUFFE
Nothing, it was just a thought
CLEANTE
Assuming Damis was wrong this angry way to speak
Shouldn’t you as Christian turn the other cheek
Tartuffe turns away from him and would leave. Cleante detains him
CLEANTE
You really ought to find room in your heart to forgive
Stifle the vengeance. Come live and let live.
Are you going to stand by and allow poor Orgon
to exile and disinherit his one and only son.
Swallow your anger man Let things be,
and try to persuade his father to forgive Damis
58
Pause
CLEANTE
Its just a thought.
TARTUFFE
And a very good one I agree
I’d forgive him tomorrow if it were up to me.
But we must take Heavens interests into account.
If I let him back it would be tantamount
to giving an admission that the boy was right
Folk might nod their heads and slyly whisper “quite”
Look at things like that then it is a no no
If Damis comes back then I, Tartuffe must go… go
(Gag: Tartuffe actor realises that he owes the line another syllable)
CLEANTE
On no dear sir that simply will not do.
Logic more twisted than the proverbial screw.
Shall we abstain from doing something good?
On the grounds that we might be misunderstood.
Our Lords instructions on the matter are simply thus
We forgive those who trespass against us
TARTUFFE
Good Sir
CLEANTE
It’s wrong Orgon should name you heir
And wrong for you to accept. You’ve no claim here
TARTUFFE
I only allowed him to press this generous gift
so as to burden me, not another with less thrift.
Now some crook might take the money and abuse it
for wicked ends and not for God’s to use it.
CLEANTE
Better the rightful heirs just went and blew it
Than from their deserving hands you wrongly screw it.
And if you really think that God or man
Thinks ill of you living with Damis, you can
just make yourself scarce. Now, what’ll it be
59
TARTUFFE
According to my watch, about half past three
CLEANTE
Eh?
TARTUFFE
an hour since last I said my prayers
Devotions call. Think I’ll just pop upstairs
Exit Tartuffe.
CLEANTE
Damn
ACT FOUR SCENE TWO
Enter Dorine with a tearful Mariane comforted by Elmire. Dorine stops Cleante exiting
DORINE
No Ms’ieur Cleante please don’t go
Stay and please help us, we do need you so
Her father’s marriage deadline being tonight
Has plunged Mariane into a desperate plight
For God’s sake throw your weight against his plan
Her comes her father. Please do what you can
ACT FOUR SCENE THREE
Enter Orgon
ORGON
Ah. What’s this I see, a welcoming delegation
I’ll make you smile in keen anticipation
Daughter,one Marriage contract. Signed and sealed
MARIANE
Oh father please, no, I beg you now to yield.
Can you not appreciate my abject misery?
Is there no way I can attract a second’s pity.
Please abandon this attempt so to enslave me
If not, I’ll hate the very life you gave me.
Ruin life with Valere if that’s what you will
But not the cruel step further. I beg you still
60
MARIANE cont
Don’t give me as a slave to one I do abhor
Spare me that at least. I beg, I do implore.
Otherwise father I think that you’ll soon find
As well as my happiness you will destroy my mind
ORGON
(catches himself being touched)
No. Be firm my heart. No Weakness to present.
MARIANE
Father I promise that I don’t at all resent
Your love for Tartuffe. Your property you can assign
Give him all and everything that’s mine
He’s welcome to my money, take it do
Give him the bargain but don’t throw me in too.
Disown me! let me to a convent then repair
to end my days, veiled with my despair
ORGON
Oh I wondered when we’d get that old refrain.
Young girls in love. Honestly you’re all the same.
I’ve had enough. Get up! The more you plead
I’m inclined to think Tartuffe’s just what you need.
Marry him and make the best, that’s what you should.
Bit of mortification ’ll do you good
DORINE
But
ORGON
A new constitution I’ve had drawn
In it your speaking rights are totally withdrawn.
CLEANTE
It’s just a thought.
ORGON
Oh you’re off now as well
Did you just wake up or did someone ring a bell
CLEANTE
Sir
61
ORGON
right I admit you’re the epitome of good sense
But this is going to be my reaction to you hence.
The more sensible you are the more I will ignore
ELMIRE
I can’t believe what I’ve just heard. What’s more
What must we do for you to heed our warning
How could you just ignore what occurred this morning
How can I get his true character into your head
Show naked pictures of him climbing in my bed?
ORGON
I’m afraid your anger comes too late my dear
The barking dog this morning didn’t appear.
Which would have happened if Tartuffe had really done
the terrible things alleged by my mendacious son.
I know you’re fond and always take his side
but you’d have gone crazy if Tartuffe had really tried
ELMIRE
Its not my way. It’s really not my style
I prefer the quiet put down and a withering smile.
It’s not always necessary for a woman to reply
with acid cutting tongue and flashing eye.
In fact I find there’s something quite suspect
a woman screaming “wronged virtue” for effect.
Some of these savage prudes who like to wound and claw
Had lost any reputation they’d had long before.
No all that scratching eyes out’s quiet obscene
more ways of killing a cat than choking it with spleen.
ORGON
You slander Tartuffe! Such things you say.
I’ll not change my mind. Never! Come what may.
ELMIRE
I still marvel at your ability, or is it just a trick ?
To cling on like glue to the wrong end of the stick
What if I found a way to demonstrate to you
That all we’ve said about Tartuffe is true.
ORGON
What?
62
ELMIRE
Show you
ORGON
Show me?
ELMIRE
Pike staff plain
ORGON
Complete Rubbish
ELMIRE
Husband You’re at it again
Just for the sake of argument, what if you hide
and then evidence of hypocrisy we will provide
caught in the act by your own ears and eye
we’ll find somewhere for you to crouch and spy
If we brought his treachery clear before your ken
What would you say of your friend Tartuffe then
ORGON
Why nothing
Elmire You’re being completely hysterical
Nothing! The questions totally hypothetical
ELMIRE
Is it really. Well you’ve been too long deceived
And I’m fed up of always being disbelieved
Come lets set our trap and catch our rat
Then you’ll see The Real Tartuffe. Just fancy that
ORGON
My money’s on him! Woman do your uttermost.
You’ll soon be regretting you made this idle boast
ELMIRE
Call him, Dorine
DORINE
Watch him he’ll be on guard
ELMIRE
I’ll dupe him. His vanity won’t make it very hard
They do say that it’s love that makes us blind
Fetch him in
63
(Indicating to Cleante & Mariane to bring in the table)
If you two would be so kind
ACT FOUR SCENE FOUR
To Orgon
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
Don’t just stand around and woolly-wonder
Fetch that table over and then get under
ORGON
What
ELMIRE
Its imperative that you be well hidden
ORGON
under there?
ELMIRE
Husband dear, just do as you’re bidden.
Come on dear, pop down under, make like a rabbit
He kneels and would lift the hem of her dress
ELMIRE
The table fool
ORGON
(apparently as the actor himself)
Sorry darling force of habit
ELMIRE
Now. You really must agree to co-operate
Otherwise he will not take our juicy bait
Now remember I’m going to try and lead him on.
Which means that I will have to come on strong.
But it’s all a part of my surprise attack
So don’t go giving yourself a heart attack
And remember I’ll stop whenever you decide
you’ve heard enough and are well satisfied.
64
When you’ve got the picture then you must
emerge from hiding and save me from his lust.
And husband try to keep up with the pace
We don’t want him getting past third base.
Tartuffe begins to enter Orgon gets under the table.
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
He’s here. Shh keep hidden . Stay out of sight
ACT FOUR SCENE FIVE
The Table Scene. In this mock seduction there is a great deal of “Carry On” style
innuendo in the language. The physical images need to be similar. The poses and moves
are exaggerated and not real
TARTUFFE
You sent for me Madame.
ELMIRE
Dear sir that’s right
I’ve got a eency weency secret to unfold
intimate matters if I may be so bold
But first of all it might be rather wise
to cast about and check around for spies.
Tartuffe is a little puzzled but he complies.
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
Because we don’t really want a repeat performance
of people butting in to curtail our romance.
I’ll admit before I was badly thrown off guard
when Damis jumped out. But I started trying hard
to calm him down and to control his temper.
So shaking like a bulldog with distemper
that he worried me and I didn’t have the sense
just to contradict his evidence.
But things haven’t turned out quite so badly
No-one suspects that I love you madly.
She throws herself Mae West style mock wantonly across the table and vamps like mad
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
My husband now trusts you so all completely
65
That he instructs me oh so very sweetly
to spend as much time with you as I wish.
Time quite alone with you my little dish.
So you see my love I’m totally fireproof
and can be alone with my dear Tartuffe
Tartuffe is taken a back. She tries again
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
Oh darling am I rather rushing things?
First a nice ice cream and then the swings.
TARTUFFE
Ye-es. This is a tad of a surprise.
Before you turned me down and refused the prize
From under the table Orgon sticks his hand out & gives the thumbs up
ELMIRE
A lover’s offers may quite delight us, yet
a woman must play a little hard to get.
Therefore we refuse but in such a tone
that indicates our defences are o’erthrown.
You understand?
TARTUFFE
(Unconvinced)
We-ell
ELMIRE
Why else would I have tried
to rein in Damis? And not have loudly cried
and given the alarm at your declaration
if your sweet words had not sparked a conflagration.
TARTUFFE
And your opposition to my marriage with Mariane
ELMIRE
was because I myself was very partisan.
I could not stand the thought that she would own
The heart that I would wish to call my own
TARTUFFE
With out doubt madame it is a precious treat
when from lips we love come words so sweet.
66
Senses are overwhelmed by their strong nectar
Revelling in his own conceit Tartuffe deliberately extracts a groan from us with “hector”
and then milks the reaction
TARTUFFE (CONT’D)
One feels like Paris but don’t like to hector
What if this were all just a clever trick?
ELMIRE
Why? When I am so smitten and so heartsick?
She lies back across the table. Tartuffe steps away
TARTUFFE
Yes. You see that might just be the catch
that all this is an attempt to stop the match
twixt myself and Mariane. My joy won’t be complete
‘til I receive some reinforcing proof concrete.
Tartuffe has merely moved away to give himself room for a run-up. He launches himself
intending to dive on top of her but she slips away and he hits the table
TARTUFFE (CONT’D)
Now its time my love to hunt the treasure
For you to yield the bounty for my pleasure
He’s up quick and captures her behind the table.
I’m sure you know just what I mean by this
He tips her onto her back on the table. She shrieks and lifts her legs. Orgon pops out the
front of the table immediately in line with them
ORGON
Oh dear dear me. “Do I not like this”.
(Elmire escapes . Tartuffe pursues trapping her. Elmire tries to attract Orgon’s
attention.)
ELMIRE
Do you really think THIS IS THE TIME FOR ACTION
Its rather a precipitate reaction
We‘ve only just this minute broached the subject of love
Its a little early to GET MOVING from push to shove.
67
TARTUFFE
Oh I don’t know, the proof of the puddings in the eating
And you are going to have to convince me sweeting
that I’m not justified in feeling sceptical
about my ever dining from this receptacle
About to suit action to his words Tartuffe goes down...on his haunches and immediately
Elmire whips her legs over his head and escapes. He pursues her again
She climbs on the table and is forced onto her back as he climbs up over her on his
hands and feet in a press up position.
ELMIRE
Must we be in such a HURRY, for don’t you think
its a wee bit early for all that sort of thing
Tartuffe now starts to lower himself Elmire apparently pushes him back up on * breaking
up the line into the same rhythm.(The actor is just doing a press up).
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
I find it off putting all this brusque * wham bam *
Brings quite * a sharp pain * into my di* aphragm *
Ms’ ieur please let go! I can hardly breathe
This is supposed to be a dalliance not a siege.
TARTUFFE
ah yes an understandable ladlylike reaction
But its not a time for words, its time for action
ELMIRE
A thought! Would all this not be an offence
against heaven above, which you so reverence
TARTUFFE
Look my dear this is not a time to scruple
Just relax and be my pupil
You just pay attention and beware
And I’ll teach you a clever way to square
such lofty matters as heaven’s commands
with rather more pressing earthly demands.
We can get away with anything you care to mention
So long as we plead purity of intention
ALL
This is a scoundrel speaking
68
TARTUFFE
So lady yield to me my one desire
and don’t be afraid my burden is hellfire
Elmire goes under the table Tartuffe follows.
Orgon comes out the other end and climbs on top the table.
ELMIRE
Ashoo. I‘m sorry I’ve got a cold
TARTUFFE
What rotten luck
Could I offer you something soothing to [....]
(Orgon reacts )
TARTUFFE (CONT’D)
ease your throat. Lick on this
ELMIRE
Liquorice
ORGON
Liquorice
TARTUFFE
What was that
ELMIRE
Sorry
TARTUFFE
I couldn’t quite distinguish
ELMIRE
Nothing to worry about. Only just the echo
ALL
Echo. Echo. Echo. Eck
TARTUFFE
Oh
They come back out. Orgon goes back under& lifts up the table from underneath and
moves it. This makes something of a noise during this next speech
69
TARTUFFE (CONT’D)
Look there’s one thing more I’d like to say.
If you’re still having doubts look on things this way
No one shall know except we two alone
There’s no scandal till the crime is known
No sin if no crime, how can there have been [bin]
So
The table moving noise gets the better of him and he finishes the line in an apparent ad
lib to the Orgon actor to move the table less clumsily
What’s that noise, have you got the builders in!
He then picks up where he left off and gives us the supposed correct line
TARTUFFE (CONT’D)
How can there have been
Discretion is therefore the better part of sin.
On this last line Tartuffe lifts Elmire and would sit her on the table only to find to both of
their surprise that it has moved. They have to shuffle over and he lifts her on
Elmire again tries to attract Orgon’s attention
ELMIRE
Well its clear that I must now submit
What else is there now to PREVENT IT
I don’t think that I could “ WANT MORE PROOF”
of your good intentions M’sieur Tartuffe
And if all this should COME OUT at a later date
No one could say it was my fault at any rate
TARTUFFE
No problems Madame. No worries, therefore no shame
But I promise you, I’d shoulder all the blame
Tartuffe drops his trousers to reveal comedy underwear. Thongs are good!
ELMIRE
Just as a precaution take a look about
Wouldn’t WANT MY HUSBAND TO COME OUT
TARTUFFE
Don’t worry about him. Each day your husband grows
more foolish. I can lead him by the nose
If he came and caught us at it, dear me no
70
I’d convince the ninny we were dancing tango
ELMIRE
I dare say. But lets just be on the safe side
Just check that there’s no-one lurking outside
Tartuffe goes and checks “penguined” shuffling along his trousers around his ankle.
ACT FOUR SCENE SIX
(Orgon comes out from under the table)
ORGON
(Victor Meldrew)
I don’t believe it! Oh. The monstrous man
Behaving so vilely as only a monster can
ELMIRE
(ironically)
You’ve come out already. No husband, back you get
You’ve got no conclusive proof as yet
She pushes Orgon under the tablecloth. He ends up kneeling on the table swathed in lace
like a bride. She hides behind the table.
ELMIRE (CONT’D)
We can’t monster a man with supposition
We’ll have to come to a definite position
Tartuffe re-enters still trousers around ankle. He mistakes Orgon under the cloth for
Elmire
TARTUFFE
There’s not a soul about that I could find
No, the only soul I care about is mine
Tartuffe hops up on the table and goes to lift the cloth and kiss Orgon
Its on its way to heaven !
ORGON
today’s it’s not
My dear friend M’sieur the pious saint
You should have exercised a bit more restraint.
ORGON Cont
Not content with to my daughter being wedded
71
You would my own dear wife have slyly bedded
God I have been such a credulous fool
Allowed you to use me as a tool
But now I’ve gotten evidence galore
You’re not going to fool me anymore
TARTUFFE
You can’t believe
ORGON
Don’t start that. Get out of here
And never ever ever re-appear
TARTUFFE
I’ll explain my good intentions. There’s no need to shout
ORGON
No more bullshit. get out get out GET OUT!
TARTUFFE
Temper temper. Shan’t be leaving, because you see
As of this morning this place belongs to me
Yes that’s taken the wind right of your sail
Your little charade was always bound to fail
You’ve crossed me. Well heavens enemies we’ll rout
You’ll regret the way you tried to chuck me out
(He leaves, attempting a dramatic exit but forgetting he still has his trousers around his
ankles he measures his length on the floor )
ACT FOUR SCENE EIGHT
(Elmire laughs and mimics Tartuffe’s melodramatics)
ELMIRE
Oh Sir Jasper!
ORGON
Oh my God!
ELMIRE
Did you hear his chitter chatter
72
ORGON
What have I done?
ELMIRE
(As panto/Melodrama villain)
“You’ve crossed me”
ORGON
It’s no laughing matter
ELMIRE
Why what is wrong. My dear What does this mean?
ORGON
That a complete and utter idiot I have been
ELMIRE
Well yes I know, but in what particular way?
ORGON
The erm deed of gift that I drew up today
ELMIRE
Deed of
ORGON
Gift
ELMIRE
To him?
ORGON
What more can I say
ELMIRE
You fool
ORGON
ait now I come to think there’s more
A little matter of a box I had in store
73
ELMIRE
What ever can you mean
ORGON
You’ll find out anon
I hope to God that Argas’s strongbox hasn’t gone.
ACT FIVE SCENE ONE
Orgon panics & runs run hither and thither. Cleante enters
ORGON (CONT'D)
The box
He runs off. Cleante watches him Orgon returns
ORGON (CONT’D)
The box
Another pass
CLEANTE
The box ?
Another panic stricken pass by Orgon
ORGON
The box
Off again. On his return Cleante stops him
CLEANTE
What box?
ORGON
The one that’s missing. Damn thing be poxed
CLEANTE
Now Orgon lets just take it from the top
Stand still and steady on before you drop
Just what is the significance of the box?
ORGON
74
Its been the last of a series of awful shocks
CLEANTE
Evidently. But what was in it, if you don’t mind
ORGON
I’m “in it” up to here if we don’t find
the flaming thing and all the paper’s in it
CLEANTE
Which are? Come on spell it out this minute
ORGON
Well a mate of mine [ whispers} Argas
CLEANTE (loud)
Argas
ORGON
Shh yes him
well he brought me the box to save for him
He brought it the morning he had to do a runner
The Interior boys were on him
CLEANTE
bit of a bummer.
ORGON
He got in with the wrong people in the civil thing
CLEANTE
Wrong?
ORGON
the losing side, y’know agin the king
he had to skip out quick before they felt his collar.
He brought me his box to keep, though I am no scholar
There’s papers in there‘ll get me hanged and quartered
So we’d better find the box and get the damn thing sorted
CLEANTE
Where was it last?
ORGON
Now that’s the rub. I gave it to Tartuffe
75
for him to hold if things then hit the roof.
He takes up an interogatory pose
See in a “When d’y last see your father?” situation
I didn’t have it. A neat equivocation
CLEANTE
You really have been giving out hostages to fortune
My dear Orgon you’ve been something of a buffoon
not content with gifting him your family’s possessions
You’ve given him the evidence of political indiscretions.
And then you went mad and poked the hornet’s nest
When subtlety might have been the best
ORGON
Just think of it, behind that pious face
A heart so wicked and soul so base
I took him in, he completely took me in
I’ve had enough of pious men
They’re all completely false they spell out trouble
In future I’ll persecute them like a devil
CLEANTE
Oh that’s no solution it really isn’t brother
Just jumping from one extreme to another
Alright you’ve went and made a bad mistake
being so taken in by a pious fake.
But the lesson isn’t that they are all the same
To think like that would be a crying shame
You must learn to calmly discriminate
not career about shouting “exterminate!
If he’s going to behave like a teacher they’ll all behave like kids, so at the sound of
“Exterminate” they all imitate Daleks. Cleante cuts them off, without, looking with a very
Schoolmasterly clap or stamp.
CLEANTE (CONT’D)
You must learn not to be taken in by show
But that some people are totally sincere y ‘know
Now brother its not a good idea to sway
Between extremes . There is a third way
They all indicate they’re fed up with his reasonableness and moderation
76
ALL
Its just a thought
SCENE TWO
(Enter Damis) [With 6 played by the Mariane actor]
DAMIS
Father, I’ve just heard, can it be true?
That this vile wretch is pursuing you
And the weapons he uses with ferocity
are those fashioned by your own generosity
ORGON
That’s about the top and bottom of it... son
DAMIS
Leave the awful man to me.
You can’t try and hinder me
and I’m about to do my worst
Cos I’m so angry I could burst
CLEANTE
Oh just calm down and stop your stupid dogg’rel
More noise less sense than a flaming farmyard cock’rel.
ACT FIVE SCENE THREE
(Enter Madame Pernelle Mariane & Elmire)
MADAME PERNELLE
That’s it. That is it I cannae bear it
These awful Tartuffe stories. I willnae wear it.
(During this next speech the family realise that Orgon is now saying exactly what one of
them was saying before. They think and point at each other before settling on Dorine as
the original speaker)
ORGON
It is enough to make me flip my lid
when that beggar turned up he hadn’t got a quid
to his good name. Nay, nor sou nor even a penny.
Decent coat and shoes he hadn’t any.
Now M’sieur T’s a real slave master.
Ne’er seen any give out orders faster.
Tried it on with the mistress what a to do.
I tell you he’s a flaming great cuckoo
77
DORINE
I know sir, you’re feeling rather sore
But I’d just point out that’s what I said before
ORGON
(wailing in self-pity)
He’s going to drive me out a ruined man
I’ll end up a pauper like he began
ALL
Poor fellow
MADAME PERNELLE
No my son its infantile
to think Tartuffe would commit an act so vile
ORGON
You’re taking his side mother might I ask why?
MADAME PERNELLE
They’ve turned you against him by a clever lie
ORGON
No I was there. I say again I saw it
MADAME PERNELLE
Slander slander slander just ignore it
ORGON
Mother dear you’re off on one of your trips
just put your glasses on and read my lips
I witnessed Tartuffe’s behaviour. I was there
MADAME PERNELLE
No
ORGON
This is just too much to bear
MADAME PERNELLE
You think you saw, you’ve just misconstrued
after rumours planted by your vicious brood
78
ORGON
I’ll plant you.
She faces him up Glasgow hard-man style.
MADAME PERNELLE
Sonny You think you’re able
ORGON
Right that’s enough, bring on the table
…….and shove her under
ELMIRE
Husband I think you’ll find
That only works once
ORGON
Bugger that’s a bind.
CLEANTE
Come friends we waste time better spent
Thinking of a way out of our predicament
A compromise with him were better sought
ORGON
Oh my God do you think he will go to court
ELMIRE
Oh no a court’d find his case too crude
A swindler motivated by ingratitude
CLEANTE
I wouldn’t be too sure, he’s very glib
The court might like the cut of his jib
and the sound of that sweet honeyed tongue
or his money. There’s lots that could go wrong
ORGON
Well Brother you’re a fine Job’s comforter (TOR)
DORINE
Knock Knock Knock!
79
ELMIRE
There’s someone at the door
Everyone is on stage so this new arrival gives them a problem. They line up hurriedly,
Madame Pernelle at one end Mariane at the other.
“There’s someone at the door” gets passed along the line. Mariane tries to pass it on but
realises that she’s stuck with it. She shows her annoyance as the others pass a false
moustache (on elastic) along the line.
The Mariane actor moves aside and strikes up a pose. The company rewind
DORINE
Knock Knock!
ORGON
What’s that
ELMIRE
There’s someone at the door
ACT FIVE SCENE FOUR
Dorine goes to Msr Loyal “at the door”
Mariane adopts an Inspector Clouseau French accent and a very florid ingratiating
manner
[NB It is probable that in the original, Loyal was a “Turn” done by someone whose
speciality was Country Bumpkins and was delivered in some sort of exaggerated
“Normandy” accent]
LOYAL
(Closeau)
Good day. Good sister. From you I pray a boon-e
DORINE
A bern
LOYAL
I see that you have caught my tun-e
Doth your gracious master therein reign
For gentle words with him I’d gladly fain
Unimpressed with all this flowery talk Dorine blanks him
DORINE
Busy
80
LOYAL
Quite so and I would ne’er be so rude
as upon him so infelicitously to intrude
But I crave a moment of his patron-age
as I have such tidings to his advan-tage
DORINE
name?
LOYAL
Just say I bring salutations from
M’sieur Tartuffe. In whose name I’ve come.
DORINE
Wait
She goes “in” to Orgon and announces very brusquely
DORINE (CONT’D)
Message from Tartuffe. A bloke.
ORGON
From Tartuffe
ELMIRE
Was that all he spoke?
DORINE
No His slavvery-patter was as shiny as his shoes
He wittered on about salutations and good news
CLEANTE
You mean he was gracious. Upon my word
If that’s the case then he should be heard
Orgon indicates that Dorine should show in Loyal.
ORGON
Yes it might be a settlement. What’s my demeanour?
CLEANTE
Keep your fighting hat out of the arena.
If he should mention some fair and just settlement
then treat him as though he were an angel heaven sent.
81
Loyal performs a deep obsequious bow
LOYAL
Greetings kind sir, May heaven you defend
from iniquities and your enemies forfend
ORGON
Hello. A friendly greeting, it confirms
he’s been sent to me to offer terms
LOYAL
This family’s an institution I hold dear
I had the honour of serving your father for many a year
ORGON
Yes. I’m most embarrassed for, to my shame
I just can’t quite recall your name
LOYAL
Loyal sir, that’s my appellation
Orgon feigns recognition of the name but turns to the others and “shrugs” to them the
fact that he’s no wiser. They shrug back. Never heard of him
and Normandy sir is my home nation
And I am here sir, if you will permit
To grovel humbly…. and serve you with this writ
ALL
(aghast)
This is a bailiff speaking
LOYAL
Yes for many a year it has been my boast
to serve the nation in that particular post.
ORGON
Serve me with a writ you’re joking sir
LOYAL
Believe me,oh how I wish I were
Come sir don’t let us have any friction
It’s a very simple matter of eviction.
You pop along and then just all move out
See it as opportunity for a good clear out
82
ORGON
Eviction What? Move out? me?
LOYAL
Yes that’s the ticket, we’re getting on famously
ORGON
Why?
LOYAL
Because this place belongs to M’sieur Tartuffe
back door to front door and cellar to roof.
Obviously he’s master of this estate
by title of a tidy deed of this day’s date
Who ever drew it up I have to say
has lovely writing
CLEANTE
An outrage that’s what I’d say
LOYAL
I’m sure you would sir. Folk often do!
They all react in outrage at what they think Loyal has just said
? Think Clouseau = “ Ferk off and do!”
ALL
oh!
The actor “realises the mistake” and gets embarrassed and tries to indicate her
innocence and explain the mistake. Repeats in clear English.
LOYAL
“folk often do”
Back to the accent
LOYAL (CONT’D)
Its as well its got absolutely nothing to do with you
Its your father’s business and don’t you see
How reasonably he behaves towards me
ORGON
but
83
LOYAL
You’re a damn fine chap sir I can see
And not an ounce of trouble you’ve been to me
Cleante intervenes in complete contrast to his usual reasonable self
CLEANTE
I’ll trouble you to butt in our affairs
I’ll pull your bloody lungs out through your ears
All are taken aback at this except Loyal
LOYAL
“You wouldn’t want to do that” ’s my retort
Cos I’d have to put that down in my report.
Look I’ll tell you what there’s no need to rush.
Out by tomorrow. I don’t mean to push
But if its absolutely alright with you
me and a few of my chaps’ll sleep here too
Not a crush, you won’t know we’re about
maybe a dozen, depends on who’s bailed out.
ORGON
Right I’ve heard enough, give me the writ and go
LOYAL
I’m so glad sir that you have taken it so
My heaven preserve you sir and may you love it
ORGON
You and the swine you serve can both go shove it!
LOYAL
And may sweet reason light up your world
ORGON
And up yours!
ACT FIVE SCENE FIVE
ORGON (CONT'D)
Right mother dear have you any doubt
As to what your dear Tartuffe has been about
84
MADAME PERNELLE
Oh I’m thunderstruck and flabbergasted
ORGON
You must see now he is a complete bas
MADAME PERNELLE
Language!
I will not stay here another minute.
This Tartuffe’s mad for dropping us in it.
That’s it! That is it! I cannae endure it
I’m lost for words...a gin ought to cure it
She Exits
DORRINE
(sarcastic)
Oh come along now Tartuffe means you well
Its part of his being spirituel
For he’s wisely organized your separation
From all that hinders your soul’s salvation
ORGON
If I yelled “shut up” I bet you wouldn’t stir
DORINE
Yes but I’d miss it if you didn’t, thank you sir
ELMIRE
Let’s tell the world of the rotten trick he’s played
When they hear about the way Tartuffe’s behaved
Neither law or opinion will come down on his side
We’d be seen as the victims. He’d be villified
ACT FIVE SCENE SIX
MARIANE
Oh heavens look here comes my own Valere
Again the actor playing Cleante/Valere has to change character on-stage.
NTC Production 1 played again the reluctant actor grumpily pulling on the costume and
then snapping into “hero” mode.
Alternatively in NTC Production 2 the change was done “on the fly” this made possible
85
by the actor’s massive bunch of long flame-red curly hair which he hid under a cap for
Cleante and shook loose for Valere
MARIANE (CONT’D)
Oh heavens look here comes my own Valere
ORGON
What the hell’s he think he’s doing here
VALERE
Oh sir I’m afraid to say I bring bad news
There’s not a single moment now to lose
I have a very good friend quite near the helm
of the department for Interior Security of the Realm
He tipped me off that there is trouble brewing
You’re to be pulled in for serious wrongdoing
which is alleged you have committed, by Tartuffe
The man you lately sheltered ‘neath this roof.
He has roundly denounced you to the King
He says he has evidence overwhelming
which came from some sort of box affair
which a dreadful traitor deposited in your care
Your going to be lifted for conspiring
With enemies of the State. My how you’re perspiring
ELMIRE
Oh He’s blighted this family like a curse
ALL
We’re all so angry we could burst
Fiend!
ORGON
Too late to realise that
VALERE
My carriage is outside We’re long overdue
If you permit I will accompany you
And put my meagre funds at your disposal
to find safe refuge. That is the proposal
ORGON
Oh Valere dear boy you’re very very kind
86
and this I’ll gratefully keep well in mind
And if fortune smiles once more on me
There is no doubt what your reward will be. Good bye
MARIANE
Go father! but remember you are always in our heart
ELMIRE
Go! We’ll arise and fight to clear your name
ACT FIVE SCENE SEVEN
Enter Tartuffe
TARTUFFE
He’s going nowhere now isn’t that a shame.
Except a cell by the Prince’s orders.
Dark and dank but ready for boarders.
ORGON
The coup de Grace. The climax of your scheme.
Oh how I feel a prisoner in a dream.
You scoundrel!
(Coup de Gracie! )
TARTUFFE
Names. That isn’t any use.
For doing heaven’s bidding I expect abuse
ELMIRE
You dare to claim that you’re at heaven’s command.
MARIANE
Its blasphemy.
DORINE
You’re hypocrisy I just can’t stand
TARTUFFE
Oh, your railing insults will come to nought.
For duty to my sovereign’s my only thought.
87
ORGON
When you were hungry then I gave you bread.
Is my charity forgotten in your ungrateful head?
TARTUFFE
Of course not. But one gives as they deserve.
And that can’t change the way my Prince I serve.
For this cause all other ties I’ll sever.
Mother children friend could die. I’d never
turn a hair or feel a moments pain.
ORGON
My own words turned back at me again
ALL
HYPOCRITE!
Dorinne winds herself up to denounce him with real venom
DORINE
Oh how he manages so to cloak his evil
with all that we hold good. You scheming
In exasperation she is forced into rhyming with evil
DORINE (CONT’D)
Deevil.
which somewhat spoils her big denunciation. Tartuffe plays to the gallery on this stinker
of a rhyme.
TARTUFFE
I’ve had enough of all this silly clamour.
Officer fetch your chains and cuffs and hammer! Officer?
Again there are no spare actors so someone has to take up the part.
The actors again form a line. The Mariane actor remembering she got stuck at the one
end with extra duties sneaks off to the other end of the line. However the others pass the
job the other way as the word “Officer” is sent down the line to her.
The helmet, handcuffs and wanted poster are sent down to her as well
She slopes off to put on the helmet. The others resume their positions and rewind the
moment.
TARTUFFE (CONT’D)
Officer fetch your chains and cuffs and hammer!
88
The officer is an old fashioned London Bobby.. Solid dependable unimaginative and
prone to jargon.
OFFICER
Sorry sir got left behind.
But now once more I have the job in mind.
It falls to me my duty here to do.
You’re under arrest.
He seems to be addressing Orgon who reacts in distress as do his family.
Tartuffe revels in his “triumph”
There is a pause then the officer moves to Tartuffe.
OFFICER
hmm hmm. That means you
TARTUFFE
What me?
OFFICER
Yes you.
TARTUFFE
To prison? That can’t be true
ORGON
What’s going on?
OFFICER
Now sir don’t be perturbed.
All will be right when I’ve had a little word.
ALL
This is a convenient theatrical device speaking!
OFFICER
Soon have chummy banged up for crimes so hateful.
M’siuer Orgon take it easy now. But be very grateful
we’ve got a Prince who can soon sniff out a wrong ‘un.
The minute Tartuffe turned up Prince knew him for villain.
It’s in the blood. Oh yes you can’t beat breeding.
We soon saw up which path our friend was leading
89
.He unwinds a wanted poster of Tartuffe with an obvious Mexican bandit moustache.
OFFICER
This came in a time ago and was forgotten.
Heard about this chap before and his schemes so rotten.
This is a villain known as Frankie Trufflehunter.
He snouted you. Our Prince clocked him as “The Grunter”.
Never forgets a face!
TARTUFFE
That looks nothing like me
The others might agree as they compare the poster and Tartuffe and then they realise
ORGON
Moustache
Mariane offers her Msr Loyal moustache. This is stuck un-ceremoniously on Tartuffe
whereupon they are all struck by the obvious likeness
TARTUFFE
Curses!
ORGON
For that much thanks
OFFICER
Oh Prince’s a wonder , Thieves, con men, mountebanks
he’s onto them all directly, quick as a flash.
Just a few more details and then really I must dash.
Your property’s returned. The deed’s annulled.
And the treason charge. Well that’s been pulled.
Apparently a favour has been tendered
by the powers that be for service previously rendered.
Say no more, nudge nudge wink wink.
Orgon puzzled at first then “gets the message” and pulls his trouser leg up to the knee
and gives a Masonic handshake
OFFICER
Come on sir it’s your turn now for clink.
I think that was all the matters pending.
Evening all!
He leaves
90
ORGON
Praises be
ELMIRE
and what an ending
ORGON
Oh lord just let me get my hands on him
ELMIRE
Brother Cleante please reason with him.
It’s just a thought!
The actor becomes Cleante
CLEANTE
Oh Certainly dear sister so I ought.
Come brother in law leave it don’t stoop as low
as he did. Revenge is not ours y’know.
Perhaps his experiences may lead to real piety.
So let him go in dignity and sobriety.
And now our bounden duty I envince
it’s time to kneel and give thanks to our Prince.
ORGON
Yes, let’s all now so gladly kneeling,
express the gratitude that we are feeling
DORINE
Gratitude! The only thing I’m feeling mate
Is I hope the bar stays open late.
ORGON
Shh your lack of reverence just makes me wince
CLEANTE
It’s time to kneel and give thanks to our Prince.
They kneel and as per previous “Castings” they pass the Missing character’s name along
the line
ALL
Prince, prince etc
91
It looks as though the Mariane actor will be stuck with another role but she casts around
and comes up with a dog lead and enters calling for a missing police dog
OFFICER
Prince. Prince. Come on lad, Good boy. Where are you prince?
She has “ Put one over on the others who acknowledge this good humouredly
ORGON
Well now that duty has been duly done.
Lets turn at once to a more pleasurable one.
If its your desire?
MARIANE
It is, I so declare.
ORGON
I announce the wedding of Mariane & her Valere.
A wedding veil & bouquet are given to Mariane. Valere gets a tail coat and decorated
top-hat. We end in a happy song accompanied by confetti, bubbles, burning torches,
fireworks and whatever takes your fancy!
FINAL SONG
ALL
So we have a happy ending
No loose ends pending.
Bums so numb you don’t give tuppence
Tartuffe got his come uppance
They point to Elmire
ALL
She kept her hand upon her hap’ny
TARTUFFE How did she escape me?
They point to Orgon
ALL
He got a salutary lesson
Concerning his oppression.
WOMEN
Learnt your lesson father?
92
MEN
ALL
Oh I’d say rather.
Now I think we rather oughter
celebrate the wedding of my [his]daughter.
They form up as a cod ballet chorus line and trip too and fro.
ALL
So for the worse or for the better
MARIANE
M&V
There’s rien I regrett-e
Honeymoon upon a jet-e
ALL
We bought a dinner-set-e
Valere kneels to Mariane
VALERE
MARIANE
ALL
Faithful as a setter
Darling you’d better
Vows kept to the very letter
Or she’ll cut off your.. tet-te
A happy wedding “End tableaux”
All
So our ways we now are wending
Best wishes sending
Thanks for all your kind attention
We’ll pass the hat around for our pension
[Hip flasks befriending {outdoor}]
So we bid a fond farewell-e
Ring the wedding bell-e
Shan’t keep you up well past your bedtime
Au’ voir, until the next time
THE END
Song Lyrics by Stewart Howson to Orginal music by Jim Kitson available via NTC
Touring Theatre.
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