LOO
Characters
SIMON, young man in the 25-35 range. British.
NED, his best friend, same age. Equally British.
COLLEEN, friendly woman of similar age and Britishness.
Present-day. Men’s bathroom in an upscale restaurant.
Synopsis: Simon and Ned are having a very important conversation in the men’s loo. But
someone is there who doesn’t belong. Will the demands of courtesy triumph?
1 “Loo”
(AT RISE. A men’s bathroom — or loo, as we’re in
England. NED and SIMON are finishing up at the urinals.)
SIMON
Done a good job on this place, haven’t they? Really fixed it up.
NED
Oh, yeah. Brilliant.
SIMON
I think this might be the place!
(They go to the sink to wash up.)
NED
The place?
SIMON
Well, you know. The place.
(Beat.)
NED
…Oh right.
SIMON
I mean, the place where I… Well, you know… Well I mean the place for the question, like.
NED
Ah, the question! Of course, of course. The, uh, question.
SIMON
…You do know what question I’m talking about, right?
(A flush. Out of the stall walks a young WOMAN. Men
stare.)
WOMAN
…Hi.
NED
(turning back to SIMON)
No, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
2 SIMON
Right… Right.
NED
Maybe we should, you know —
(jerks head towards WOMAN)
— head out….
SIMON
Just — wait a bit. I was trying to say — well you know it’s been going on awhile, with me and
Lu…
NED
Sure.
SIMON
You know, Lu. My girlfriend.
NED
Yes, Simon…
SIMON
Your sister.
NED
I know who Lu is.
SIMON
I was thinking… I mean I’ve been planning… To, uh, well… pop the question.
WOMAN
Oh! Congratulations!
SIMON
Thanks!
NED
(to WOMAN)
Do you mind?
WOMAN
No, not at all, go on.
(WOMAN removes makeup from purse, begins slowly and
diligently applying.)
3 NED
Christ.
SIMON
So?
NED
Yeah?
SIMON
Well?
(SIMON waits, expectant.)
NED
Shall we go back out, then?
SIMON
Ned! What do you think about me and Lu getting married?
NED
Oh! Oh yeah. Right. Well that’s great news, mate. Really great news.
(Pause.)
SIMON
What.
NED
Nothing! I’m quite happy for you. It’s wonderful, Simon.
SIMON
No, you… You’ve got a look.
NED
I haven’t got any look.
WOMAN
There was a little bit of a look.
SIMON
See!
NED
Come on, let’s just —
4 SIMON
What is it then? Don’t think I’m good enough for you sister, that right?
NED
Come off it…
SIMON
Or is it Lu? She hasn’t — she hasn’t said something, has she? Oh, God.
NED
Just relax, Simon.
SIMON
Oh, God!
NED
It’s all right, now.
SIMON
Ned, you’re my best friend. Just… tell me, whatever it is. I can take it. Please.
NED
Well.
SIMON
Ned!
NED
I mean it’s rather… Well I can’t just quite… It’s a bit…
WOMAN
Honesty is the best policy, hm? Best just to come out with it.
NED
This is a private conversation, ma’am.
WOMAN
Oh. Sorry.
(extends hand)
I’m Colleen.
NED
(shaking hand)
Ned.
5 SIMON
(shaking hand)
Simon. That’s a fair point, Colleen. Honesty. Direct-like. So, Ned. Why shouldn’t I ask your
sister to marry me?
NED
That’s not it. I mean. Well. No, that’s not it. It’s only… See, well, Lu might have a little bit of a
problem with… I mean to say she may be a tad concerned…
COLLEEN
Spit it out will you!
NED
With the whole Jew thing.
(Pause.)
COLLEEN
Oh dear.
SIMON
What?
NED
It’s not any kind of Nazi racial thing! Absolutely it’s not. No, nothing like that whatsoever. Only
— well, Lu is real mad on church these days, and the faith and all that, and there might be some
delicate conversations regarding what to do with the kids… and all that…
SIMON
You think I’m Jewish?
NED
Well, yeah.
SIMON
Why?
(COLLEEN is done with makeup; starts fixing her hair.)
NED
Are you saying…
SIMON
Why would you think that?
6 NED
Your name’s Simon…
SIMON
Just because my name’s Simon you assume I’m Jewish?
NED
Well…
SIMON
That’s crazy.
COLLEEN
Excuse me. I’m sorry, but what does it matter if he’s Jewish or not?
SIMON
Yeah!
NED
Well he’s not —
SIMON
But what if I was?
NED
I mean like I said it’s not a racist thing
SIMON
Yes it is! It’s positively anti-Semitic!
NED
No, nothing like that!
COLLEEN
Afraid it is, a bit.
NED
(to COLLEEN)
Sod off, would you! — I’m sorry, so sorry, didn’t mean to lose my temper Colleen, forgive me.
COLLEEN
Quite all right.
SIMON
Can’t believe this…
7 NED
Look, Simon, I’m sorry, obviously there’s been a mistake.
SIMON
So you’ve just always thought this? And never said a word?
NED
Well. Wouldn’t be polite to ask.
COLLEEN
(under her breath)
Good lord.
NED
And anyway, Lu thought so too, on account of your… well I mean to say…
(NED nods towards SIMON’S trousers.)
SIMON
What?
COLLEEN
He means your snip-snip job, love.
SIMON
That is just good hygiene!
(beat)
Wait, how do you know that?
NED
Lu and I are quite close.
COLLEEN
Sweet.
NED
I’m sorry, look, how many times do I have to say it? So you’re not Jewish. Mazel Tov! Now go
pop Lu the question.
SIMON
Hang on. I’m not sure I want to marry into your clan of anti-Semites.
NED
We are not ant-Semites, Simon! Even if you were Jewish, it would be perfectly fine!
8 SIMON
‘Even if!’ What’s that supposed to mean? Oh, God… Suddenly this clarifies a lot of very
confusing remarks made by your father.
(COLLEEN strips down to her slip.)
NED
Hello there…
SIMON
Pay attention, Ned!
NED
But —
SIMON
Don’t stare, it’s not polite. Now. Just listen. I may not be Jewish but I do consider myself a
friend of the faith, as well as a lifelong non-fascist, so, you know, on behalf of my grandfather
who fought the Nazis, kindly take your racist propaganda back to the Reichstag and shove it!
COLLEEN
(in the process of changing)
Well said!
NED
Listen, you have got this all wrong, all wrong! First of all, my family is not and has never been
anti-Semitic, that’s absurd. Second, I told you, Lu’s the one with the Jew problem, not me! I’m
your friend. Let’s have a drink.
SIMON
Lu’s got a Jew problem?
COLLEEN
Too bad, that. You know, I once had a boyfriend who said he loved me but then it turned out he
was a total Basque separatist.
SIMON
So… Why’s she been seeing me this whole time?
NED
Issues, mate. Self-loathing.
SIMON
God.
9 NED
Once you clear it all up with her you’ll have a laugh.
COLLEEN
Not sure it works that way.
SIMON
I just don’t get it. All of you, this whole time, you were so… polite.
NED
Well, yeah. It’s not like we thought you were Muslim or something.
SIMON
God!
NED
…What?
SIMON
Tell Lu it’s over.
NED
Why?
SIMON
Because my grandfather fought the Nazis, that’s why!
(COLLEEN applauds, cheers.)
NED
Well. Well! There’s just no civility anymore, is there?
(Exit NED. COLLEEN — in an evening dress, hair and
makeup perfectly fixed — looks striking. She approaches
SIMON.)
COLLEEN
Hey there. Fancy a drink?
(SIMON smiles. End of play.)
10