A First Steps guide to
Improving
self-esteem and
confidence
First Steps, Version 3, July 2013
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m unlovable”
“I’m always getting things wrong, I must be really stupid”
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m so ugly”
…are just a few of the comments from people who are experiencing low selfesteem.
Using self-help tools
The strategies/tools suggested in this booklet are evidence based methods of managing
emotions and reducing their negative effects on our everyday life. We are all individuals and
respond to situations in different ways therefore not every tool will work with everyone. For
example some people find meditation and reading really relaxing, whilst for someone else
this could be a cause of stress and their preferred relaxation method may be to go to the
gym. There are no set rules for managing emotions. A helpful way of thinking about this
could be to think “is my current method working for me?” If the answer is yes, then great, but
if not, these strategies may be an alternative way that is more productive for you.
As with any new skill, self-help can take time and practice. In the same way that reading a
cookery book will not instantly make you a great cook, simply reading this material will not
make you instantly happy and healthy. But with time, practice and exploration it is possible
for everybody to experience emotional health. Self-help alone may not be adequate for
everybody. If you feel that you need more support, it is important to discuss this with your
GP. In addition there are a number of helpful resources at the back of this booklet or you
could call our phone line/email us for more information/advice.
Here at Virgin Care we are keen that this information is shared as widely as possible to help support
anyone who might benefit from it. However, can we remind you that it is subject to Copyright
Legislation so please do let us know if you plan to reuse or reproduce any of the content
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
What is in this booklet?
Page
Introduction
4
Different aspects of low self-esteem
6
How low self-esteem develops
7
How low self-esteem is maintained
10
Cycle of low self-esteem
11
Building self-confidence
12
How can you break the cycle and boost your self-esteem?
13
Changing thinking patterns
14
Keeping a thought record
15
Positive notebook
18
Changing your activity to build your self-esteem and confidence
20
Activity diary
20
Goal setting
23
Handling uncomfortable situations
24
Expressing your feelings and learning to say no
26
Taking care of yourself (relaxation, diet and exercise, sleep)
29
Useful contacts
32
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Introduction
We all at some point in our lives feel uncertain about ourselves, lack self-confidence, have
doubts about our abilities or think negatively about ourselves. However, if you find that this is
how you are feeling a lot of the time and it is having an effect on your day to day life, then
this booklet may be helpful to you.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem refers to the way we think and feel and value ourselves as a person.
What is self-confidence?
Self-confidence refers to how able we feel to get a task done.
What is low self-esteem?
Most people describe themselves in a negative way at some time in their lives, however if
you think about yourself in this way on a regular basis, then you may have low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem is having a generally negative overall opinion of yourself, judging
and evaluating yourself negatively. People who have low self-esteem generally have
a rigid, negative belief about themselves. These beliefs are often taken as truths or
facts about themselves, resulting in a negative impact on a person and their life
The impact of low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can impact on the way that a person feels about them selves and the way
that they function in everyday life.
Personal impacts
The person might:

say a lot of negative things about themselves

criticise themselves, their actions and abilities

put themselves down, doubt themselves, or blame themselves when things go wrong

not recognise their positive qualities

find it hard to accept compliments

focus on what mistakes they have made, or things they didn’t do

expect that things will not turn out well for them

feel depressed, anxious, guilty, ashamed or frustrated
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Impacts on everyday life

Reduced performance at work

Not reaching full potential because of the negative value they place on themselves

Avoiding challenges for a fear of failure

Believing that any achievements were down to luck, rather than a result of their own
abilities or positive qualities

Altered relationships with friends, family or colleagues. For example: becoming overly
upset or distressed by any criticism or disapproval, trying to please others, being
extremely shy or self-conscious or even avoiding social contact

Change in appearance. Some people may lack the motivation for personal care whilst
others may try to hide their perceived inadequacies by paying significant attention to
the way they look, and avoid contact with others unless they look perfect

Altered food and or alcohol intake. Some people may diet whilst others may comfort
eat or reach for convenience foods. Some people may use alcohol or drugs to
increase their confidence, which in turn has an adverse affect on their self-esteem
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Different aspects of low self-esteem
Having negative beliefs and opinions about yourself can affect your thinking patterns and
your behaviour, which can impact the way you feel both emotionally and physically.
Low esteem may affect you as a person in certain different areas. Everybody is different and
will react differently to low self-esteem. Seem people might notice more physical symptoms,
whilst some might notice more changes in their thinking. It is common for people to notice a
vicious cycle of symptoms (see page 11), but no two people will have the same experience.
Thoughts and beliefs






Thinking you’re not good enough
Thinking other people will see you
negatively
Doubt your ability to do things
Blame yourself for things that
happen, even though it might not
be your fault
Be critical of yourself and say that
you are “too stupid, useless,
unattractive, boring, etc”
Focus on criticism and mistakes,
ignore success and strengths
Physical reactions





Moods





Behaviours
Tension
Reduced sex drive
Tiredness
Change in appetite
Sleep problems







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Anxiety
Frustration and anger
Sadness
Guilt
Shame
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Difficulty saying no and
communicating your needs
Not meeting your own needs and
trying to please others
Holding back from doing things and
avoiding challenges
Finding it difficult to make decisions
Putting pressure on yourself to do
things perfectly and working too hard
Shyness and avoiding meeting new
people
Being oversensitive
Improving self-esteem and confidence
How low self-esteem develops
The opinions and beliefs we have about ourselves are influenced and shaped by the
experiences that we have had during our lives. This often (but not always) dates back to our
early childhood/adolescence, but we continue to be shaped by our day-to-day experiences
throughout our lives.
Learning about life and ourselves is gained through different ways. We learn by observing
what other people do or say and the way that we are treated by others, for example the
interaction with our families, the society that we live in, the school we went to and the peers
that we were/are influenced by. Other factors can also influence our self-esteem including
stereotypes and the media.
The following are some examples of past and present experiences
which may lead to the development of low self-esteem








Meeting high standards or being expected to be perfect. Not meeting someone
else’s expectations or standards. Constantly being criticised can also have a negative
effect; this could be parents, family, peers or work colleagues who criticise and focus
on your weaknesses and mistakes rather than your positive qualities
Being bullied or made fun of. This can result in believing thoughts such as “I’m
ugly” or “I’m stupid”
Rejection. Feeling rejected by parents, friends, work colleagues etc. can have a
significant impact on the way we feel about ourselves
Difficulties in fitting in or feeling different to those around you. Feeling as
though you don’t fit in, especially during late childhood and adolescence can influence
how we learn to view ourselves. This is a time when physical appearance may be very
important to a young person. Thoughts such as “I’m unlikeable” or “I’m unattractive”
can become real beliefs about ourselves that can become quite rigid as we get older
A lack of positives. This could be growing up or living in an environment with a lack
of praise, encouragement, warmth and affection. For example if a child’s basic needs
such as food and clothing were met, but their parents were emotionally distant or not
physically affectionate, these experiences can negatively influence how a person
views themselves
Traumatic life events. Sometimes when families are experiencing stressful or
distressing life events they may become angry, depressed and respond negatively
towards each other. Perhaps a relationship breakup, health problems or bereavement
have affected you. These factors can all affect self-esteem
Punishment, neglect, or abuse. How we are treated in life affects the way we see
ourselves. For example, if a child is unfairly punished, neglected or abused they may
come to believe very negative things about themselves. The same may be true for an
adult in an abusive relationship
Stress or financial worries. These can also cause low self-esteem, for example by
leading to thoughts that you can’t cope or that you are a failure
These factors can lead people to hold certain beliefs about themselves which are called core
beliefs.
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We continue to experience low self-esteem even though our
circumstances have changed from the past because of the
negative core beliefs we hold
about ourselves
Core beliefs
These beliefs are strongly held beliefs about ourselves that influence what we think and how
we feel. They usually influence us subconsciously and we rarely ever challenge if these
beliefs are true.
Common negative core beliefs are:





I am
not
worthy
I am not worthy
I am unlovable
I am not good enough
I am not important
I never get things right
Our core beliefs also relate to how we believe the world ‘should’ be and include our ethics
and values. Examples of these could be:




People should be courteous and polite
I should always get things right
Life should be fair
I must not let people down
We all hold these beliefs and they are central to our being. Quite often just awareness that
these core beliefs may be shaping your thoughts and feelings can be helpful in challenging
your view of the situation or yourself.
Our thoughts about an event or situation are often closely linked to our core beliefs and will
affect a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence in managing the event or situation.
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Case study
Emma is taking the children to school. She turns the corner and there is a long traffic jam.
Emma begins to feel stressed.
Situation
Emma is taking the children to school
Event
There is a traffic jam
Core beliefs
“I am not good
enough”
“I never get things
right”
“I must not let
people down”
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Importance of situation/event
Emma feels that she must not
let the children down so must
get them to school on time
Negative thoughts
“The children will be late, it is all
my fault” (personalising)
“The teachers will realise that I
am a bad mum” (jumping to
conclusions)
“I should be able to get them to
school on time” (should
statements)
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How Emma:
Feels emotionally
Feels physically
Thinks about
future situations
Behaves
Improving self-esteem and confidence
How low self-esteem is maintained
So far we have looked at how negative beliefs that we hold about ourselves are influenced
by our experiences of life and the way that we have interpreted events or behaviours.
Rules and assumptions (the shoulds and musts)
What happens in our adult life is that we keep these negative beliefs going. This can be by
the unhelpful rules and assumptions we place on ourselves, for example, rules could be “I
should always be the best at everything” or “I must never get close to people”, and
assumptions could be “people won’t like me if I express my true feelings” or “I must do
everything 100% perfectly otherwise I will fail”. Sometimes the rules that we place on
ourselves can be unrealistic, extreme and inflexible.
Unhelpful rules
The rules we place on ourselves actually stop us from testing out whether
our beliefs are true as they restrict our behaviour. For example, a belief that
“I’m unlovable” means that the rule may be “I must never get close to
people”, thus the person never actually gets the opportunity to test out
whether people find them lovable or likeable. This keeps the belief going
Everyday situations
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Our responses to certain
day-to-day situations can
also serve to keep our
negative beliefs going, as
seen in the cycle of low selfesteem on the next page
We gather information that
confirms our negative self beliefs
because we pay much more
attention to negative events that
confirm these beliefs
The impact of negative thoughts
The thoughts we have tend to affect the way we behave,
and the way we feel physically and emotionally
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Cycle of low self-esteem
Events from our past may be the starting point for the development of negative self-beliefs
and low self-esteem, but certain situations activate these beliefs and trigger a vicious cycle of
symptoms, which strengthen our negative self-beliefs.
Our feelings, thoughts, and actions are closely related, and a negative change in one area
can have a negative effect on another.
Cycle of low self-esteem
Past experiences
Parents were overly harsh and critical when I didn’t get exceptionally good school grades
Negative core belief
“I am worthless”
Difficult situation
Cancelled dinner with a friend because of
work commitments
Thoughts
“I’m a useless and pathetic friend”
“I don’t deserve to have friends”
“I shouldn’t let people down”
“I’m always being selfish”
“They are better off without a friend like me”
Behaviours
Physical reactions
Apologise profusely and put
yourself down to friend
Overcompensate when trying
to make it up to friend (reschedule dinner at a time that
is not convenient for you)
Withdrawing and avoiding the
friend for a while
Tense
Sweating
Headache
Change in appetite
Moods
Depressed
Sad
Guilty
Confirms negative belief
“I was right – I am worthless”
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
So how does the belief “I am worthless” get confirmed and maintained in the cycle of low
self-esteem?
Firstly, the negative thoughts that you are having about yourself – eg. the negative self-talk
are confirming your belief “I’m worthless”.
Secondly, the feeling of depression / low mood can increase negative thinking which may
confirm your negative belief that you are “worthless”.
Thirdly, all the unhelpful behaviours that are triggered by the negative thoughts mean you are
acting in a way that is consistent with the belief that you are “worthless”, e.g. withdrawing,
acting in a passive or apologetic way. By acting as though you are “worthless”, you will carry
on thinking you are worthless, and maintain feelings of sadness, depression or guilt.
Building self-confidence
Self-confidence comes from our abilities to master skills and achieve goals that matter to us.
It also comes from our sense of self-esteem, that we are able to cope with what is going on
in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy. People may lack confidence in some or all
aspects of their lives.
How confident you feel about yourself can be seen in many different ways: through your
behaviour, your body language, and how you speak for example. Below is a table which
compares common confident behaviours with behaviours that are related with low selfconfidence. Do you recognise any of the thoughts or actions in yourself or other people
around you?
Self-confident
Low self-confidence
Asserting yourself, even if others
criticise or mock you for it
Changing your behaviour based
on what other people think
Having the confidence to take risks
and put in the extra effort to achieve
good results
Not venturing out of your comfort
zone and avoiding taking risks
Being comfortable when others pay
you compliments and accepting
them as truths
Dismissing compliments, and not
believing in them
Acknowledging and being proud of
your successes and achievements
Waiting for others to praise you
on your achievements
Low self-confidence can be destructive and often shows itself as negativity, whereas selfconfident people are normally positive, and believe in themselves and their abilities.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
How can you break the cycle and boost your self-esteem and selfconfidence?
The good news is that whilst we cannot change past experiences, we can start to change the
things we do in the present which are keeping the unhelpful beliefs going. We can start to
challenge the negative views that we have developed about ourselves, and break the cycle
of low self-esteem and self-confidence.
The first step to breaking the cycle is to become more aware of the ways that low selfesteem/low self-confidence affects you:
Think about this and make some notes on your self-esteem and self-confidence and:
 the way you feel physically
 the emotions you experience
 the way you think
 the things that you do
Notes:
The second step is to try to break the cycle which can be done in a number of ways:
Change negative thinking patterns
 Challenging unhelpful thoughts and the unhelpful beliefs you hold about yourself
 Uncover your strengths and positives
Take action
 Ensure you have a balance of activities that need to be done and that you enjoy doing
 Set yourself achievable goals
 Try to tackle things that you have been avoiding
 Take care of yourself
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Changing thinking patterns
When things happen in the world around us, we usually have a number of thoughts about the
situation and how it relates to us.
We are not usually aware of these thoughts, as they often happen really quickly and
unconsciously, and are often coloured by our past experiences. However, if they are quite
negative and critical, it can affect how we feel about ourselves and our ability to deal with the
situation.
If you have negative beliefs about yourself, you can also start to ignore any positive
information like strengths, achievements and compliments and may only focus on things
such as mistakes, criticism and weaknesses. This acts to strengthen the negative beliefs that
you may hold about yourself.
Common unhelpful thinking styles
Jumping to conclusions
This is where we make a negative interpretation of an event, even though we do not know all
the facts.
“My manager has asked to see me in her office. I think I am going to be in trouble”.
Catastrophizing
An extreme form of jumping to a negative conclusion, where the importance of an event is
exaggerated to become a catastrophe.
“I was late for work again today. My boss will be angry and as I am only bank staff,
I may be laid off. I won’t be able to pay my bills, so my house may
be repossessed and my children and I will be homeless”.
All or nothing
Thinking in black and white terms and not allowing for any ‘grey’ areas.
“If I don’t get this right the first time, then there is no point in doing it at all”.
Personalising/labelling
Seeing ourselves as the cause of some negative external event or taking the view that we
are to blame
“Katy ignored me when I said hello today. Maybe she doesn’t
like me any more as I didn’t make her a coffee”.
Discounting positives
Focusing on negatives and not giving praise for the positive things we do.
“Ok, so I got my report approved today, so what? That’s only what’s expected of me”.
“Should” statements
Trying to motivate yourself with ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘ought’ statements places unnecessary
pressure and expectations on you. These pressures are unhelpful and can lead to feelings of
failure.
“I should be able to cope with this; I used to be able to”.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Challenging our thoughts
In order to start changing the way we think about ourselves and improve our self-esteem
there are a couple of strategies that you can use:

Challenging unhelpful thoughts - Identify and question the critical thoughts you
have about yourself

Positive notebook - Helps you to look out for and identify your positive qualities
Both of these strategies aim to increase self-esteem by helping you to recognise and believe
a more positive view of yourself - replacing the critical overly negative view you might
currently hold.
Keeping a thought record
1. Situation: What were you doing? When was it? Where were you? Who were you with?
2. Unhelpful thoughts: What was going through your mind just before you started to feel
this way? What images or memories do you have of the situation? In which unhelpful
thought style did you engage (ie. all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing, etc.)
3. Helpful thoughts: What might be an alternative more helpful thought?
When trying to come up with a helpful thought, here are some tips to help you…

What is the evidence to support the unhelpful thought? What tells you that this
thought is correct?

What is the evidence that does not support the unhelpful thought? This is the
hard part because it is often overlooked, but ask yourself these questions: How
would someone else view the situation? How would I have viewed the situation in
the past? What might I say to a friend who was in a similar situation?

What is the effect of thinking the way I do? Does it help me or make me feel
worse?
Now, is there an alternative, more helpful thought that could also be true to that
situation……
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Describe the event/
situation
First Steps
What were my
thoughts
Proof that the thought is
true
- 16 -
Other possibilities, or
What I would say to a
friend
What if the alternative
thought is true?
Improving self-esteem and confidence
Balancing
“Balancing” is a useful technique to try. When you have a negative, critical thought, balance
it out by making a more positive statement about yourself. For example:
The thought: “I’m unattractive”, could be balanced with: “my husband and children love me
and always tell me that I’m beautiful”.
Obviously this is much easier said than done, especially when we are feeling negative, and it
can be difficult at first, but with practice it does get easier.
The double column technique
Another technique that may help is to write down your negative automatic thoughts in one
column and, opposite each one write down a more balanced positive thought.
Negative thoughts
Balancing thoughts
I’m really not fitting in with others at work
because I’m unlovable and have nothing
interesting to say
I have two really lovely best friends who
always ask me to come out with them and
phone me up once a week at least so I can’t
be that bad
I have
good
friends
I’m
unlovable
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Positive notebook
(based on non-direct quotes in ‘Overcoming Low Self-esteem’ by Melanie Fennell)
Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, but when your self-esteem is low, you can start to
focus on the negatives and discount or ignore some of the positives about yourself.
This keeps the cycle of low self-esteem going, as you pay more attention to the negative
information which confirms your negative beliefs about yourself.
A way to start to try and get a more balanced picture of yourself, which will help improve your
self-esteem, is to keep a positive notebook.
Identify and list your positive qualities
When you have low self-esteem, it can often be easier to list all of your negative qualities,
and difficult to see the strengths you have, but here are some questions you can ask yourself
to identify your positive qualities:

Is there anything that you like about yourself?

What are the positive achievements of your life so far, however modest?

What obstacles have you overcome in your life?

What would someone who cares about you say your qualities and strengths
are? Might there be a grain of truth in there?

What strengths and qualities do you appreciate in others? Do you have any of
these yourself?

What negative qualities do you not have?
It is important to list your answers however modest they seem to you. It is easy to dismiss
things as insignificant when your self-esteem is low, but they are all important evidence to
build a picture of all your strengths and positive qualities.
.
It may be useful to ask somebody who you trust to help you answer
some of these questions
Once you have come up with a list of positive qualities, write them in your notebook,
leaving room to add new ones in the future.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Daily recordings of positive qualities
Once you have created a list of your strengths, spend time every day trying to write down
three positive qualities that you have shown on that day. If three is too difficult, just writing
down one is a good start.
It is important not only to record the positive quality, but also some evidence of the quality.
What did you do that tells you that you have this quality?
This will help you remember your strengths when you look back over your notebook. This is
not about doing things, to make you feel good. It is about reflecting on what you are already
doing that proves your qualities. It can be helpful to consider how you felt after each piece of
evidence to ensure that you are only using positive examples. E.G Always putting someone
else’s needs before your own may prove that you are considerate, but could also strengthen
your core beliefs, that other people are more important. .
Here is an example of what a daily record of positive thoughts may look like.
Day
Thursday
Friday
First Steps
Evidence of positive quality
Positive quality
Let another driver into the queue of
traffic
Considerate
Colleagues asked me to join them at
lunch
Likeable
Cooked dinner for partner despite
feeling tired
Caring
Sorted out problem for colleague at
work
Helpful, skilled
Spoke in meeting even though felt
nervous
Determined
Sent friend a ‘get well soon’ card
Thoughtful
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Changing your activity to build your self-esteem and confidence
We gain confidence and improve self-esteem by doing things. Achieving small steps can help
to rebuild confidence that you may have lost, and can motivate you to try other things. Also,
being active can give you a sense that you are taking control of your life.
Sometimes when we are feeling bad about ourselves we may:

Stop doing things we used to enjoy

Avoid or put off completing tasks

Withdraw from friends and family

Find it difficult to make decisions

Work too hard or try to be perfect
These behaviours all keep the vicious cycle going and strengthen our negative selfbeliefs.
A good strategy for identifying how your current activities could be impacting on your selfesteem is by keeping an activity dairy. You can then see what changes you could make to
improve your well-being, make life more satisfying, and take credit for your achievements.
Common backward thinking

I will do what I enjoy when I feel better’

‘I will feel better when I do what I enjoy’
Activity diary
Step 1 - What are you currently doing?
The first step is to look at how you currently spend your time and to consider how satisfying
you find your daily activities and routine. You can use the diary sheet on the next page.
Try to record daily activities, along with ratings of how satisfying you found each activity
(sense of pleasure or sense of achievement).
It is important that there is a good balance between duty activities and those activities that
give you a sense of pleasure and achievement.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Activity diary
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Morning
Afternoon
Evening
What was the
best part of the
day?
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Step 2 – What would you like to change?

Are you getting a balance between enjoyable and relaxing activities, and
activities that need to be done?
Can you improve your balance?

Ask yourself: if you were helping somebody with their activity diary, what
changes would you recommend?

What activities give you a sense of achievement? When we feel bad about
ourselves it can be difficult to feel that we are actually achieving anything at all,
but this strategy can help you to see you might be achieving more than you give
yourself credit for

Did negative thoughts affect your activity?
Try to write them down and question them to see if you can come up with a more
helpful view

Are there things that you would like to do or need to do, but feel they are
unmanageable?
Try breaking the task down into smaller more manageable steps, and setting
yourself goals to achieve them. Each time you achieve a step it will increase your
confidence, and motivate you to try the next one
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Goal setting
Most people find that working towards realistic goals is motivating and satisfying, but it is
important to start off by setting the right goals. This really will have a positive impact on the
success of building confidence and self-esteem.
Remember, change is not always easy, and there may be slips or lapses along the way.
This is normal, and so don’t be put off or be hard on yourself if you find that you don’t always
stick to the plan!
S
Specific
By being clear about your target goal you will be able to take pride in
achieving it
M
Measurable
Just wanting to “build up my social life” is not measurable; taking part in a
dance class twice a week is.
A
Achievable
Recognise your limits, if you set goals too high you are more likely to quit
and feel that you failed. Challenging yourself is great but don’t expect the
impossible!
R
Relevant
The goal has to make sense to you and be something you feel is
worthwhile and that applies to your views and lifestyle
T
Timely
Think when the best time is for you to fit in your goals and try not to tackle
too many goals at once
Goal setting is an on-going process
E
Evaluate
Regularly look again at what has gone well or less well and why this
might be the case
R
Redo
Set new goals or adapt the ones you have. Give yourself a reward for
what you achieve, even if you did not complete the goal, but gave it a
good shot!
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Handling uncomfortable situations
Sometimes when people feel bad about themselves, they might think that things will turn out
badly or might doubt their ability to deal with situations. This might lead to avoiding certain
situations, because they predict that things will not go well.
If you avoid things, it can make you feel better in the short-term as you have not had to
confront your fears or anxieties, but in the long-term it keeps those negative self-beliefs
going, as you never have the opportunity to find evidence to disprove them.
If you find that you have been avoiding certain activities or situations that you need, or would
like, to do, then try the following strategy:
 Draw up a list of things that you have been avoiding
 Order them with the most manageable task first, working up to the hardest
one
 Picking the most manageable one, break it down into smaller more specific
steps
 You can then start to achieve these smaller steps one by one
 Keep practicing each step until you feel comfortable enough to start the next
one
 By tackling things step by step, you can start to build confidence in your own
abilities. Don’t forget to take credit for achieving each step, and reward
yourself appropriately
Prediction of what might What actually
happen?
happened?
What I have concluded
If I speak up in a meeting
at work then everyone will
stare at me. I’ll get
flustered and everyone
will laugh and think I’m
stupid
My colleagues don’t think
I’m stupid and I can make
useful contributions to
meetings even though I
still feel nervous
First Steps
I felt quite uncomfortable
and nervous but everyone
listened to what I said and
agreed with my point and
the manager thanked me
for raising it
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Here is an example of somebody who is experiencing low self-esteem, and the different parts
of her life it is affecting:
Sarah is 27-years-old. Her low self-esteem issues started when she went to
secondary school, where she found it quite difficult to settle in and make new
friends. She always felt shy and like the “odd one out”. Since then, she has
always felt that she is somehow not acceptable to other people. Sarah has a
small circle of friends whom she has known since university and has just
started a relationship with someone whom she has been friends with for
some time.
Recently, Sarah has found that she has been feeling more tense and
uncomfortable in social situations, especially where there are a lot of people,
or people whom she does not know very well. Her new boyfriend has a lot of
friends, and he is often invited to go out with others. He would like Sarah to
come along with him, but she feels very anxious, which also makes her sad
and frustrated, as she would really like to meet new people. Sarah thinks that
others will think she is weird and boring.
When she goes out, she often feels very self-conscious and thinks that
nobody wants to speak to her. Sarah is also very quiet and avoids speaking
up. Because of the way she feels, Sarah starts to avoid social events. This
means that she stops going out as often and does not socialise with other
people. As she does not interact with others, she feels rejected, which
confirms her view that she is unacceptable.
She could tackle this by breaking the task down into more manageable chunks,
starting with the easiest first:
1. Go out with boyfriend to an event where she knows everyone else
2. Go to an event where she only knows her boyfriend and a few other people
3. Go out to an event where the only person she knows is her boyfriend
For each step Sarah should:
 Before - predict what she thinks will happen
 After - reflect on what actually happened
Each step enables Sarah to be in what she determines as an uncomfortable situation
and to test if her predictions are true. (see below also)
It is normal to feel anxious in many of these situations and the goal is not necessarily to
feel completely comfortable. However it is enabling her to look at ‘feeling comfortable
with feeling uncomfortable’.
You may find that you are having negative thoughts, which are stopping you from
doing these steps. You may need to challenge these to help you move forward
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Tackling things that you have been avoiding will help to test out your negative view of
yourself and gain a more balanced view by building your confidence.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?

Did you cope better than you expected?

Was the outcome better than you expected?

If they didn’t go so well, is there anything you can do differently next time?
Expressing your feelings and learning to say no
Expressing our feelings openly promotes a sense of well-being and freedom from tension. It
helps us to recover from hurtful experiences, and also helps other people to understand what
is going on inside us. There are times when displays of emotion are not helpful, but hiding or
holding back our feelings, can cause tensions that affect our physical and mental health.
Learning to say no in an assertive and tactful way is a difficult, but important, skill to learn.
Remind yourself now and then that:

You have the right to say no without feeling guilty

Others have the right to say no to you

Saying yes when you really mean no may reduce your feelings of self-worth

It's better to say no at the time than to let somebody down later

Saying yes to extra work or obligations might cause you stress

Taking on too much might lower your standard of work or come at a cost to those
people who are important to you

It might not be such a big deal to the other person to get a no response

Being respected and respecting yourself is more important than being liked
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Setting limits and saying ‘no’

When someone asks for a loan, comes round uninvited, continually expects you to
work late, parks in your space…
How comfortable are you with assertively refusing or approaching them about it?

What stops you from saying how you feel?
There are a number of reasons why people have difficulty saying no – they often have
thoughts such as:

Saying no is rude, aggressive, unkind, uncaring or selfish

People will be hurt if I say no or it will upset them

If I say no, people won’t like me

Other people are more important

Saying no is petty or small-minded

I should be able to do that
The key to refusing requests and saying no is to be able to accept the following beliefs:

Other people have the right to ask and I have the right to decline

When you say no, you are refusing the request, not rejecting the person

When we say yes to one thing, we are actually saying no to something else
When people have difficulty saying no, they usually overestimate the difficulty that the
other person will have accepting the refusal. By expressing ourselves openly and
honestly, it liberates the other person to express their feelings too.
How do you feel when someone says ‘no’ to you? Do you find that you always feel as if
they are rejecting you or that they must not like or respect you?
Think about what you would say to a friend if they came to you with the same situation
that you are in.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
How to say no…
Practicing these techniques may be helpful:

Direct no: Say no without apologising
o “No, thank you”
o This way is quite forceful and can be effective with salespeople or people
who are being quite pushy

Reflecting no: Reflecting back the content and feeling of the request, but adding
your assertive refusal at the end
o “I know you were looking forward to a walk this afternoon, but I can’t come”

Reasoned no: Very briefly, give your genuine reason for the refusal
o “I can’t do that for you because I’ve already arranged to do something else”

Rain check no: Say no to the present request, but leave room for negotiation
o “I can’t do that for you now, because I wanted to do something else, but I
will do it for you next time if you can give me a bit of notice”

Enquiring no: Not a direct no, but a request for more information or an alternative
o “Do you need that to be done for you now or can it be done later?”

Broken record no: Repeat a simple statement of refusal over and over again if the
requester is very persistent
o “I’d like to be able to help you out, I just don’t feel I can at the moment”…
“As I said, I just don’t feel I can at the moment”… “I appreciate what you’re
saying; I just can’t help at the moment”
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Taking care of yourself
Learning to relax
How relaxation works

Feeling relaxed and feeling anxious are incompatible. You can't feel them
both at the same time

When you are stressed, the muscles in your body tense up, which causes
uncomfortable feelings, such as headache, backache, tight chest, etc.

Relaxing slows down the systems in your body that speed up when you get
anxious

If you learn a method of relaxation and use this regularly you will be able to
control anxiety more effectively

There are many forms of relaxation including yoga, meditation, imagery, and
many others
Relaxation is a skill

It may not come naturally and has to be learnt through regular practice

Make time for yourself and develop a routine which you can stick to. Aim to
set aside 15 to 20 minutes a day with no interruptions or distractions
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Diet and exercise
The food you eat can play an important part in the way you feel, physically and mentally. Too
much sugar, coffee or salt can cause tension and irritability. Therefore, it can be useful to
look at your eating and activity patterns. A balanced healthy diet can make you feel better
about yourself as well as being beneficial to your body and immune system. A balanced diet
will also help your body and mind to work more efficiently. For more information, please see
your GP or nutritionist.
Bread, rice, potatoes, pasta and other
starchy foods
Fruit & vegetables
Meat, fish, eggs, beans and other
non-dairy sources of protein
Milk and dairy foods
Foods and drinks high in
fat and/or sugar
Regular exercise is good for us in many ways: it increases our confidence and self-esteem; it
stimulates "feel good" chemicals in our bodies; it provides an outlet for tension and
frustration; it relieves anxiety; helps us relax; helps us sleep better and helps to prevent
physical illness, such as heart disease and osteoporosis. Choose a sport or exercise you
enjoy. Please note that when first undertaking an exercise program you should consult with
your GP.
Sleep
Try and get a good night’s sleep every night. The amount of sleep that you need is different
for everyone and can range from 5 hours upwards per night. The amount of sleep that we
need often reduces as we age. Research shows that those with a poor sleep pattern are
more at risk of poor mental health and poor sleep can worsen existing mental health
conditions.
How to get a good night’s sleep
People may worry about not getting enough sleep, but worrying often only makes it worse. It
is easy to overestimate how much sleep you need, or not to realise it is normal to wake
briefly during the night. The occasional bad patch is harmless and usually rights itself. It's
generally only of concern if it’s been going on longer than a month.

The average amount of sleep is seven to eight hours a night, but we all need different
amounts, and less as we get older

We pass through cycles of light and deep sleep at night. Around every 90 minutes we
have a period of dream sleep (REM), which is vital for our well-being
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Improving self-esteem and confidence

If we miss out on sleep on a regular basis (not caused by sleep difficulties eg. socialising,
children etc) we may incur a ‘sleep debt’, making us tired and irritable, unable to
concentrate or to function properly. It usually stops once the debt is paid off. However,
irregular sleep patterns or napping should be avoided if you are having difficulty sleeping
at night

Long-term sleep problems may be both the cause or consequence of physical or mental
health problems
Things that may disrupt your sleep pattern

Snoring that interferes with breathing

Too much stress

Racing thoughts

Ill-health or physical pain

Emotional difficulties, including anxiety and depression

Jet lag or shift work that disrupts our internal body clock

Traumatic events, such as a divorce, redundancy, or bereavement

Different environments e.g. going into hospital, a residential home or a hotel

Medicines, such as water pills, steroids, beta-blockers, and some painkillers,
antidepressants, slimming tablets and cold remedies

Withdrawing from certain drugs, such as tranquillisers or antidepressants

Taking street drugs such as ecstasy, cocaine and amphetamines

Overusing alcohol, tobacco and caffeine
Tips to help you sleep

Establish a regular routine. Go to bed only when you're tired and get up at the same time
each day. Avoid napping during the day

Check your sleeping arrangements. Think about comfort, temperature, light and noise
levels

Learn to de-stress before bed. Dismiss nagging thoughts by writing them down

Have a warm bath, practise a relaxation technique, or listen to a relaxation tape. (But
don't read or watch television in bed)

Don’t eat late. Avoid rich, spicy or sugar-rich foods, red meat and cheese. Choosing
wholemeal, low-fat, magnesium-rich foods (green salads, broccoli, nuts and seeds) may
encourage sleep, as may drinking hot milk and honey.

Get enough exercise. Fit people sleep better

Don't stay in bed. If you can't sleep, get up after 15 minutes and go through your
relaxation routine again

Keep a sleep diary. This helps you identify potential causes for your sleeplessness

Try some reverse psychology: keep your eyes open and tell yourself to resist sleep
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Improving self-esteem and confidence

Interrupt unwanted thoughts: repeat a soothing word to yourself. Visualise a scene or
landscape that has pleasant memories for you

Try out complementary remedies. Yoga, meditation, homeopathy or herbal remedies,
such as lavender or valerian, may be helpful for some people

Talk to your GP. Sleeping pills can present problems, but a brief course is sometimes
appropriate
Night-time relaxation routine
Breathe deeply, counting slowly up to four as you breathe in, hold for another four seconds
and then breathe out slowly. Consciously tense and relax your muscles, in turn, starting at
your toes and working up your body.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence
Useful contacts
First Steps
Tel:
0808 801 0325 - Monday and Wednesday 10am to 4.30pm and Thursday 11am to
5.30pm. The helpline will be open on a Tuesday following a Bank Holiday
Web:
www.firststeps-surrey.nhs.uk
Email:
first.steps@nhs.net
Living Life to the Full
A self-help website offering free modules on confidence building, as well as other topics, that
you can work through on the internet
Web:
www.llttf.com
MINDinfoLINE
Tel:
0845 766 0163 - Monday to Friday, 9.15am – 5.15pm
Web:
www.mind.org.uk
Email:
info@mind.org.uk
Books
Surrey County Council Libraries have a very helpful list of self-help books. You can find the
list at www.surreycc.gov.uk if you search “Reading Well”. The books are available online
and in a selection of their libraries. Or additionally, the books are available to reserve via the
Library catalogue.
Many of these libraries also have a self-checkout option, which means you can take out a
book without anyone knowing the book that you choose.
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Improving self-esteem and confidence