Self-Discovery vs. Self-Denial
Human beings are naturally curious and playful. We are designed for learning. As
children, we discover and explore ourselves and our world through play. But as we age
many of us lose this love of discovery as we grow older. Our social structures of school,
work, and pressures to achieve and be successful cause us to unlearn the habits of
being in a mindset of curiosity and discovery. We stop playing, because there is work to
be done and our social structures encourage us to get the right answers, perform in a
certain way, follow the leader, and conform our thinking into more “adult” patterns.
Instead of continuing our learning and discovery journey throughout our young
adulthood, we begin to deny ourselves the very things that keep us in a more natural,
human state of discovery. We begin to question our existence, to feel the need to
control more and more of our experiences and our environment. We begin overthinking our choices, and our actions become dictated by things we “should” do, instead
of what we “could” do.
When we move away from being in a self-discovery mindset, we move towards a
mindset that denies our natural state. We begin to try and shape ourselves into an
image, a purpose, a role or a personality that doesn’t fit us naturally. We do this
because we want to be seen by others as being “mature”, professional, and successful.
These are the achievements society tells us are important for a meaningful life.
However, these things often require us to live in denial of our true selves.
When we are in our most natural state, living our lives authentically and in a mindset of
self-discovery, we enjoy finding out about ourselves, we have fun and learn through
play and curiosity, we get absorbed into creative activities.
Self-Discovery
The mindset of self-discovery is not unlike that of a child’s – that is, when we are in a
self-discovery mode, everything is an adventure, an experiment, and fascinating to us.
When we experience emotions or events, we simply observe them and accept them as
they are, with a deep knowing that everything has meaning and purpose. Human life is,
by its very nature, purposeful and meaningful even when we don’t immediately
understand it. Our meaning and purpose come from within ourselves, simply by being.
So we are able to go through our lives in the mode of being an observer, curious, and
non-judgmental, secure in the knowing that all things are as they are meant to be.
Internally, when a person is in a self-discovery mindset, they accept themselves
completely. Because they are in tune with themselves, physically, emotionally, and
spiritually, they attend to their needs without judgment. Self-discovery means we are
living in the now, knowing who we are. We have a “just be” mentality that is based on
the viewpoint that life is full of possibilities. We are full of things we “could” do. We are
in touch with our authentic selves and live our lives in ways that are true to our values.
When we are in self-discovery mode, our energy is spent being conscious of our
feelings and needs, and exploring ourselves and our world. Our meaning and sense of
purpose comes from within and without question or judgment. We love ourselves.
The result of living in self-discovery is a life is full of lightness and acceptance, both of
ourselves and of others.
Self-Denial
When we are living in a self-denial mindset, our energy is spent on trying to control
everything, including ourselves. In our quest to control our environments, we stop
listening to ourselves. We stop trusting ourselves. We ignore our intuition, even our
physical symptoms, and try to create structures, rules and boundaries which limit our
experiences so that we can keep the illusion that we are in control and that harm or hurt
can be eliminated in our lives.
We make judgments about ourselves and others and hold everything up against an
ideal – even though this is a picture we have constructed ourselves. When things
happen to us or around us, we try assign meaning to them to try and make sense of
them. We are constantly searching for the reason things happened to us, particularly
hurtful situations or experiences that we regret. We try to control and prevent these
events or experiences happening again by assigning blame, judging and thinking of
things we must not do or must not be to protect ourselves.
When we are in self-denial, we are living inauthentically and not in accordance with our
values. We often fear that someone will one day “find us out” and confront us with the
truth of who we really are, thus shattering the illusion that we can deny our true nature
and thus shatter our image of ourselves. When we are in self-denial, the ego is in
control of our lives. Our identities are constructed from a position of logic, practicalities,
and image of the “ideal” – whatever culture dictates.
Living in self-denial creates a lot of worrying about the future. We try to control the
future by doing things that “should” be done, telling ourselves that if we do what we
“should”, we can create our experience and control it.
When we deny our true natures, our feelings, and the truth that we are not in control of
the world, we live outside of ourselves. The meaning we are searching for is not within
ourselves anymore. The result of living in self-denial is anxiety.
The diagram below illustrates these two mindsets:
"Could" do
many things
"Should" do
many things
Life has
meaning and
purpose even
if I don't
understand it
Conscious of
feelings and
needs
Living
authentically
and in tune
with values
Living
inauthentically
and not in tune
with values
VS.
Self
Discovery
Accepting of
self and others
The meaning
and purpoe of
life must be
searched for.
Knowing who
you are and
what you need
Living in the
Now
Tuning out
feelings and
pushing aside
needs
Self
Denial
Energy spent on
controlling
things (and self)
Worrying about
the future
Living within
ourselves
Living outside
ourselves
Lightness and
Acceptance
Anxiety
Judging self and
others against
the ideal
Coaching Application
People who are stuck in a mindset of self-denial will exhibit similar speech and thought
patterns. They judge themselves, hold themselves up to unobtainable ideals, and are in
a search for meaning in their lives.
A coach can begin to help by observing these harmful thought patterns and raise the
client’s awareness of them. By challenging the comparisons to others by reflecting and
active listening, the client will often quickly see that these thoughts are not actually true
and also see that they are not helpful. Raising the client’s awareness of their feelings
and needs and tapping into their natural curiosity and sense of discovery about these
things can help them meet their needs before they become anxious thoughts.
The next step might be in helping the client develop their own emotional intelligence
through assessments that bring about reflective, thoughtful discussions about the
client’s innate strengths, preferences, and natural abilities. By changing their
perspective of themselves and searching for who they really are without the social
structures or trappings of modern life, the client can find the meaning and purpose in
their lives again, just by being themselves.
The final activity for a coach would be to support the client in making the changes to
living in a mindset of self-discovery, behaving in a way that is authentic to themselves
and their values/strengths, practicing good self care, and thinking in new ways about
having more fun! This sense of discovery, fun, and authentic living will naturally bring
about lightness and acceptance into the client’s world, and reduce anxiety and worry.
Coaching Exercise – An exercise to begin to DISCOVER YOURSELF!
Design Your Perfect Day
Can you imagine your perfect day? What would you do from the time you woke up to
the time you went to bed? Can you imagine it hour by hour? Try it! Take out a sheet of
paper and along the left hand side, write out the times of your waking hours and try and
design your perfect day. Write down what you’d be doing, hour by hour.
Reflection
 What did you notice about what you naturally would like to do with your time?
 What wouldn’t you want to do on your perfect day?
 How might you redesign your days next week to bring a little more of your perfect
day into it?
 What might have to change for you to be able to live EVERY day like your perfect
day? Are you willing to make any of these changes now?