The Platinum Rule
By Elizabeth Flynn Campbell
Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have. It
lasts the longest and influences everything we do. Most of the time, we’re not even
aware such a relationship exists. But it does. And the more aware we are of it, the more
power we have to make it a good one.
Whether we know it or not, we are always talking to ourselves. Think of the last time you
did something wrong. Perhaps you made a big mistake at work or spilled red wine at a
party or ate an inordinate amount of your child’s Halloween candy. You undoubtedly
had something to say to yourself after the fact. Were you reasonably civil or did you
berate yourself for being irresponsible or clumsy or just stupid? Whatever you said to
yourself, you can be sure that this kind of self-talk is ongoing and has a tremendous
influence on your confidence, resourcefulness and vitality.
The ability to observe our relationship with ourselves is the beginning of psychological
maturity. Understanding how we are feeling about ourselves is often the key to
understanding why we do what we do. People who are unaware of their interior lives
tend to make the same mistakes over and over. Having an “observing ego,” as
psychoanalysts call it, means that we have some perspective or distance from our
reactions. Whether we are feeling inadequate or obsessive or excessively critical, a well
developed observing ego can help us step back from our feelings enough to understand
what’s going on beneath the surface.
Young children are at the mercy of their reactions. If there is a toy they see and can’t
have, they can be overwhelmed with the ensuing emotional storm. They have not yet
developed any capacity to distance themselves from their feelings. They are like a boat
on stormy seas. Their emotional “weather” rules their lives. Most adults don’t throw
tantrums but they may be just as helpless in navigating their internal states. In lieu of a
tantrum they may get depressed, have an affair, spend money they don’t have, eat or
drink too much, etc.
Because everyone’s life is as variable as the weather – sunny days followed by torrential
rains – cultivating a more compassionate and insightful relationship with ourselves can be
tremendously helpful. Everyone knows the Golden Rule: treat others the way we’d like
to be treated. This is an old and good rule that most parents try to convey to their
children. But perhaps we need another rule that fosters the same kind of generosity to
ourselves. Perhaps we need a Platinum Rule that goes something like this: treat
ourselves the way we teach our children to treat others.
A neglectful or negligent relationship with ourselves tends to make us compensate by
running frantically in the wrong direction. Paying adequate attention to our interior lives
often provides answers that can be found nowhere else.
Elizabeth Flynn Campbell is a licensed psychoanalyst and can be contacted at her
Burlington office at (802) 860-2244.
Hi Margo,
Attached please find my column for next week’s health edition. I have a suggestion.
What would you think about running the column under the heading Being Human? I’ve
noticed that some columns have a kind of banner and though this sums up the kind of
experiences I write about. I’m happy with or without it – just thought I’d see what you
think.
Looking forward to having lunch with you again soon – perhaps some time in April when
spring is really here?
Hope all is well with you.
Elizabeth Campbell