The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business In a perfect world, a list like this would not exist. In a perfe
ct world, businesses would be run with the utmost integrity and competence. But ours is, alas, an im
perfect world, and if we must live in one where Enron, Geraldo Rivera, and Cottonelle Fresh Rollwipe
s exist, the least we can do is catalog the absurdities. By Tim Carvell, Adam Horowitz, Thomas Mucha
, April 2002 Issue
1. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 1: Enron states billions of dollars in extra
revenue through aggressive accounting and complicated off-the-books partnerships managed by its own
executives, all the while ignoring warnings from its employees and enriching its top executives at
the expense of its investors and workforce. And it assumes none of this will ever come to light. 2.
A dozen Burger King marketing execs suffer first- and second-degree burns while walking over hot coa
ls as part of a team-building retreat in October. One of the injured, a VP for product marketing apt
ly named Dana Frydman, tries to put a positive spin on having her feet flame-broiled like so much gr
ound chuck. "It made you feel a sense of empowerment and that you can accomplish anything," she tell
s the Miami Herald. 3. Banana Republic co-founders Mel and Patricia Ziegler start ZoZa, an "athletic
formalwear" retailer, in late 2000. Mel says he expects sales to reach $1 billion within seven year
s. Gary Rieschel of Softbank Venture Capital invests $16.5 million, telling BusinessWeek, "If you ha
ve guts and you have capital, how can you not be optimistic about the consumer market?" Here's how:
ZoZa's designers revamp its spring 2001 line, intentionally making their dresses two sizes smaller t
han labeled. Even the svelte are outraged, and ZoZa's merchandise return rate soars to 80 percent. T
he company shuts down in May 2001, proving that, if the dress doesn't fit, you must, uh, quit. 4. Se
pt. 11 Inc., Rampant Greed Division: Gas stations nationwide exploit post-Sept. 11 fears of a fuel s
hortage by charging customers $4 and $5 per gallon. Among the worst offenders: a station in Jackson,
Mich., that, according to Newsweek, hikes its price to $6.75 per gallon. 5. Proving the old busines
s-school saw that "any idiot can sell a dollar for 80 cents," online-currency company Flooz.com in J
uly launches a special offer whereby American Express platinum cardholders can buy $1,000 of Flooz c
urrency for just $800. 6. A month later, Flooz.com ceases processing transactions. It declares bankr
uptcy in November, leaving those who bought Flooz currency stuck with worthless e-dollars. 7. Last M
ay, Citizens Against Government Waste, a group that received funding from Microsoft (MSFT), is caugh
t simulating a "grassroots" campaign to get state attorneys general to drop their antitrust suit aga
inst the software giant. One detail that gives the scheme away: Some of the letters supporting Micro
soft are from people who have long since died. 8. After issuing his landmark antitrust decision agai
nst Microsoft, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson lets reporters print comments from previously confident
ial interviews, in which he compares Bill Gates to Napoleon and Microsoft executives to gangland kil
lers. In June an appeals court overturns Jackson's decision to break up the company, citing his rema
rks as evidence of his "rampant disregard for the judiciary's ethical obligations." 9. At a Microsof
t employee event last summer, CEO Steve Ballmer apparently suffers a grand mal seizure. Or attempts
to dance. One or the other. It's hard to tell. In any case, a video clip of his calisthenics starts
making the rounds of the Internet.
10. With the slogan "Sometimes wetter is better," Kimberly-Clark
(KMB) introduces Cottonelle Fresh Rollwipes premoistened toilet paper -- or, to put it another way,
baby wipes for adults. 11. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 2: Business 2.0 puts Enron CEO Jeffrey
Skilling on the cover of its August/September issue as a symbol of the digital revolution. A week af
ter the issue hits newsstands, Skilling resigns from his job. In retrospect, perhaps Skilling's pose
on the cover should have provided a clue. 12. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 3 (or, if Arthur And
ersen Is Doing the Accounting, Part 1,000,000,003): In mid-October, Enron discloses that it has erro
neously added $1 billion to its assets, despite the rigorous oversight of its auditors at Arthur And
ersen. Enron takes a $1 billion charge against earnings, which prompts questions about how reliable
the rest of its numbers are. 13. Having earned the enmity of the five major record labels as CEO of
MP3.com, Michael Robertson takes on Microsoft by launching Lindows, a Linux-based operating system t
hat runs Windows programs. Robertson says he isn't afraid of going up against the world's most notor
iously competitive company. "There were five major record labels, and there's only one Microsoft," h
e says. "That's an 80 percent reduction." 14. Following in the footsteps of M.C. Hammer and a talkin
g Chihuahua, Amazon.com CEO and Time magazine 1999 Person of the Year Jeff Bezos becomes a shill for
Taco Bell in an ad that touts its chicken quesadilla as a "hot new handheld."
15. Two years after
announcing its plan to build a state-of-the-art $400 million supply chain, Nike (NKE) cuts its earni
ngs outlook for the current quarter by more than $50 million, citing problems caused by supply-chain
software supplied by i2 (ITWO). Nike CEO Philip Knight tells analysts, "I guess my immediate reacti
on is 'This is what we get for $400 million?'" i2 counters that the problem was Nike's implementatio
n of its system; meanwhile, i2 shareholders sue the company for failing to promptly disclose its Nik
e troubles. 16. "No one will deny that Sony is a world-class hardware company, and no one would deny
that Microsoft is a world-class software company. Nintendo aspires to be neither one of those thing
s." -- Peter Main, a Nintendo marketing executive, to the San Francisco Chronicle 17. Still Partying
Like It's 1999, Part 1: Boasting a total of precisely one profitable quarter, Salesforce.com hosts
its third annual Tibet-themed "Freedom From Software" bash in New York. Dinner at the Russian Tea Ro
om is followed by a concert at Carnegie Hall featuring David Bowie, Philip Glass, the Kronos Quartet
, and the monks from the Drepung Gomang Monastery. Making the linkage between "freedom from software
" and "freedom from religious oppression" explicit, the invitation bears an image of Buddha and stat
es that "the path to enlightenment requires no software." 18. CNN 1, Fox News 0: On her first day as
a newsreader for CNN's Headline News, former NYPD Blue actress Andrea Thompson ingratiates herself
to viewers by announcing, "I'm Andrea Thompson, and unless you've been living in a cave, you probabl
y already know that." 19. CNN 1, Fox News 1: The Fox News Channel hires Geraldo Rivera. And sends hi
m to Afghanistan. With a camera crew. And a return ticket. 20. The Gartner Group issues trading card
s featuring its analysts. 21. NBC and the World Wrestling Federation plow $100 million into creating
the XFL. The March 17 game between the Birmingham Thunderbolts and the Las Vegas Outlaws scores a 1
.6 Nielsen rating, believed to be the lowest ever for any prime-time network program. The league fol
ds after one season. 22. Sept. 11 Inc., Clueless as to the Content of Our Content Division: In the w
ake of the terrorist attacks, employees of radio conglomerate Clear Channel (CCU) begin circulating
a list of songs inappropriate for airplay. Among the songs is "Imagine," John Lennon's stirring plea
for world peace, which is later performed by Neil Young during the "America: A Tribute to Heroes" f
und-raiser for victims of the attacks. Clear Channel's management denies issuing or endorsing the li
st. 23. Italian jewelry company Bulgari pays British novelist Fay Weldon an undisclosed sum to extol
Bulgari products in her next book. Weldon complies, offering descriptions of "white gold and pavé d
iamonds, cold metal intricately, beautifully worked, lain heavily against the cool, moist flesh of w
rist and throat...." The book's title: The Bulgari Connection. 24. By faking the transactions that s
hould have offset the risk in his portfolio, a trader named John Rusnak, working for a Baltimore sub
sidiary of Allied Irish Banks, loses $691.2 million before the bank discovers his misdeeds. After th
e bank and the federal government launch investigations, Rusnak is fired, denying him the chance to
unseat Barings PLC's Nicholas Leeson -- who lost $1.4 billion and destroyed a 232-year-old company - as the most inept rogue trader ever. 25. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 4: As questions swirl ar
ound Enron's finances in mid-November, CEO Kenneth Lay reassures investors, "Everything we know, you
know." 26. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 5: In November, just as the scope of the financial impr
oprieties at Enron becomes apparent, the James A. Baker III Institute gives out the Enron Prize, for
distinguished public service. Its recipient: Alan Greenspan. 27. Mobile Office Enterprise unveils t
he Express Desk, which attaches a notebook computer to the steering wheel of a car. For use only whi
le parked, of course. 28, 29, 30. Great Moments in Privacy Part 1: In June 2001, the Georgia Student
Finance Commission accidentally allows more than 18,000 scholarship applicants' personal informatio
n to be released onto the Internet. Part 2: Not to be outdone, Eli Lilly sends a mass e-mail in July
to users of its antidepressant Prozac but neglects to use the "bcc" header, further depressing its
customers by disclosing their online identities to one another. Part 3: Trumping Eli Lilly, in Octob
er a graduate student at the University of Montana accidentally posts to the school's website more t
han 400 documents relating to the psychiatric treatment of 62 children, including names, addresses,
descriptions of sessions, and diagnoses. 31. An FBI investigation reveals that, since 1995, McDonald
's (MCD) prize contests, including its popular Monopoly game, have been rigged by eight individuals,
including one who worked for the firm McDonald's hired to run the contests. The eight allegedly con
spired to corner the market on the winning game pieces without enduring that arduous eating-food-fro
m-McDonald's step. 32. AOL (AOL) and Coca-Cola (KO) have the opposite problem from McDonald's: A cos
ponsored contest on AOL mistakenly informs more than 100 people that they have won $10,000. AOL atte
mpts to propitiate the nonwinners with $200 gift certificates and three free months of AOL. 33. "We'
ve been doubling sales every 18 months. However, when you start from zero, it takes a long while." - Stephen Yeo, a marketing director at Windows-terminal manufacturer Wyse, explaining his company's
less-than-meteoric rise, to ZDNet UK 34. Sept. 11 Inc., Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid Division:
The October issue of the Association of Lloyd's Members newsletter announces that the terrorist att
acks represent a "historic opportunity" for insurance underwriters to make money. 35. Despite a loom
ing ad drought at the beginning of 2001, AOL Time Warner CEO Gerald Levin and chairman Steve Case re
affirm their intention of reaching $40 billion in revenues and $11 billion in Ebitda in the coming y
ear -- representing gains of 15 and 25 percent, respectively. 36. In June -- even as the country app
ears to be sliding into recession -- AOL executives again affirm the company's intention to meet its
targets. Despite widespread skepticism, the company retreats from its stated goals only after Sept.
11. (In January 2002, AOL Time Warner releases its annual results, which show revenues of $38 billi
on and Ebitda of $9.9 billion -- decent results by any standard save those set by AOL's top brass a
year earlier. AOL Time Warner co-COO Bob Pittman tells the Financial Times, "I wish I'd kept my mout
h shut.") 37. Still Partying Like It's 1999, Part 2: Loudcloud (LDCL), Marc Andreessen's Internet-in
frastructure firm, launches an IPO in March 2001, smack-dab in the middle of the unfriendliest marke
t in a decade. In contrast to Andreessen's previous IPO -- Netscape, whose stock more than doubled o
n its first day and set off the tech-IPO mania of the 1990s -- Loudcloud sinks like a lead cloud. Th
e stock is offered at $6 per share, well below the originally projected range of $10 to $12, and cli
mbs all the way to $6.56 on the day of its offering. As of press time, it traded at $2.46 per share.
38. Excite@Home, iWon.com, and others line up to sponsor "Back the Net" day on April 3, 2001; parti
cipants are encouraged to purchase either a product or a share of stock online. The idea is "to disp
el the negative stereotypes ... that have sent our technological marketplace into a recession." (Bec
ause nothing dispels negative stereotypes quite like an abject plea for charity.) 39. After filing f
or Chapter 11, declaring their intention to liquidate the company's assets, and ending health-care b
enefits for retirees, Polaroid executives file a request in bankruptcy court to distribute an estima
ted $19 million in "stay bonuses" to the company's top 45 executives. 40. The Newspaper Association
of America names Kmart its "Retailer of the Year" on Jan. 21, 2002, one day before the company files
for bankruptcy protection under Chapter 11. 41. Broadcast.com founder and Dallas Mavericks owner Ma
rk Cuban is fined more than $1 million by the NBA in a span of 14 months, including $500,000 for say
ing of the league's director of officiating, "I wouldn't hire him to manage a Dairy Queen." Under fi
re from the nation's Dairy Queen managers, who feel he has denigrated their profession, Cuban works
a shift in a Dairy Queen five days later. 42. CNN 2, Fox News 1: Five years after Ted Turner flips t
he switch on CNN/SI and declares it "a smasheroo" -- and after it racks up a reported $76 million in
losses and manages to penetrate just 23 percent of the nation's cable-TV-equipped homes -- AOL Time
Warner executives announce plans to pull the plug on the 24-hour sports-news channel. 43. CNN 2, Fo
x News 2: Reporting live from Afghanistan, Geraldo Rivera implies that he's packing heat. "We refuse
to be crime victims," Rivera says. "We're not the victim types. If they're going to get us, it's go
ing to be in a gunfight." 44. 20th Century Fox spends a reported $15 million to produce the comedy m
ovie Freddy Got Fingered, in which Tom Green licks a man's open wound, swings a (fake) newborn baby
around his head by the umbilical cord and then severs the cord with his teeth, and fondles the genit
alia of both a horse and an elephant. To repeat, it is a "comedy." 45. Major League Baseball commiss
ioner Bud Selig announces the planned elimination of two teams by the start of the 2002 season. The
downsizing triggers public outrage, a union grievance, a municipal lawsuit, congressional hearings,
inquiries from three state attorneys general, and calls for Selig's resignation. 46. An advertisemen
t for Alcatel shows the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. making his historic "I Have a Dream" speech, but
digitally erases the throngs of people who stood on the Washington Mall to hear it. The ad's messag
e -- something about how important it is to "connect" -- connects with viewers in an unintended way:
They are unnerved by the manipulation of one of the signal events in the history of the American ci
vil rights movement. 47, 48, 49. On Second Thought, I'll Take an Import Sedan With Michelins Part 1:
Facing a PR debacle after Firestone tires on Ford Explorers begin coming apart, killing 78 people a
nd injuring hundreds more, the two companies turn on each other. Ford says Firestone tires have a hi
gher incidence of tread separation than other tires; Firestone suggests that Ford Explorers are more
likely to roll over than other SUVs. Prospective car- and tire-buyers edge warily away from the squ
abbling duo: Sales of Explorers drop by 16.4 percent, while Firestone's sales plunge by 40 percent.
Part 2: Traffic safety consultant Sean Kane discloses that -- at the behest of a group of plaintiffs
' lawyers who were representing those injured in SUV accidents -- his watchdog group, Strategic Safe
ty, had begun investigating failures involving Ford vehicles and Firestone tires back in 1996. The g
roup never alerted regulators, Kane tells the New York Times, "because a number of plaintiffs' lawye
rs had been burned in similar instances." Part 3: Firestone decides to fight the federal government'
s request that it recall some of its Wilderness AT tires. John Lampe, the CEO of the Bridgestone/Fir
estone unit, explains the decision to ignore the government's findings by saying, "Our consumers can
drive with confidence on our tires. We're 100 percent committed to doing everything for the safety
of our driving public." Three months later, Bridgestone/Firestone relents, agreeing to replace 3.5 m
illion tires. 50. Enron Field 51. CMGI Field 52. PSINet Stadium 53. Conseco Fieldhouse 54. Houston,
We Have a Problem, Part 6: In October and November, as the scope of Enron's troubles becomes clear a
nd its share price drops from $22 to $9, Alfred Harrison, a money manager with Alliance Capital, buy
s 2 million shares in the company on behalf of the Florida State Pension Fund. Indeed, he buys so ma
ny shares that he exceeds the fund's 6 percent limit on investments in one stock. He later sells the
shares for 28 cents apiece. Alliance denies suggestions that its purchases of Enron have anything t
o do with the fact that one of Alliance's board members, Frank Savage, was also a director of Enron.
Whatever the explanation, Florida fires Alliance, terminating a 17-year relationship. 55. Houston,
We Have a Problem, Part 7: Richard Gross, an analyst at Lehman Bros., maintains a "strong buy" ratin
g on Enron as the stock declines from $81 to $0.75. A Lehman spokesperson helpfully explains to the
New York Times that the firm was advising Dynegy on its purchase of Enron's pipeline, and it is Lehm
an's policy not to change the firm's rating on any company involved in a deal in which Lehman is an
adviser. 56. Half.com places advertisements on the slips of paper inside fortune cookies at Chinese
restaurants. Confusion ensues when some customers mistakenly believe that the advertisements, which
offer $5 off a purchase at Half.com, actually entitle them to $5 off their dinner check. 57. Houston
, We Have a Problem, Part 8 (Innocent Bystander Department): For an onscreen caption during an inter
view about the Enron debacle with Republican consultant Niger Innis, MSNBC accidentally misspells hi
s first name in the way that one would least want to misspell it. "It's not the first time it's happ
ened," Innis says, "but hopefully it's the last." 58. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 9 (Not-QuiteSo-Innocent Bystander Department): In a tearful interview on NBC's Today, Linda Lay, wife of Enron C
EO Kenneth Lay, proclaims, "Everything we had was mostly in Enron stock.... We are struggling for li
quidity." Reporters soon note that the Lays have $8 million in stock in other companies and $25 mill
ion in real estate holdings. 59. In October, Global Crossing forgives two-thirds of a $15 million lo
an it made to newly appointed CEO John Legere when he worked for the company's Asian subsidiary. He
also receives a $3.5 million signing bonus, despite the fact that he is already employed by Global C
rossing. Of course, the $13.5 million is pocket change for Global Crossing founder and chairman Gary
Winnick, who -- despite the fact that his firm has never earned a penny of profit -- has already so
ld $734 million worth of stock in the soon-to-be-bankrupt company. 60. Washing Off the Stench of Dea
th, Part 1: Philip Morris (MO) proposes changing its name to Altria, presumably to escape the taint
of its tobacco-producing past. It does not, however, stop producing tobacco, which does not stop cau
sing cancer. 61. Washing Off the Stench of Death, Part 2: Making matters even more awkward, the name
Altria turns out to be already taken by Altria Healthcare, a firm based in Birmingham, Ala., that i
s not especially pleased to be linked to a noted producer of poor health. 62. Proudly Announcing the
New, Slightly Less Pungent Stench of Death: And in other tobacco news, the Advance and Omni brands
of cigarettes unveil new slogans: "All of the taste ... Less of the toxins" and "Reduced carcinogens
. Premium taste," respectively. 63. Bottling the Stench of Death and Calling It Perfume: Philip Morr
is also attempts to counter antismoking measures in the Czech Republic by commissioning an economic
analysis of the "indirect positive effects" of early deaths -- savings on health care, pensions, wel
fare, and housing for the elderly. The company later apologizes. 64. Fox News 3, CNN 2: During his s
ojourn in Afghanistan, Geraldo Rivera decries the deplorable living conditions in the town of Taloqa
n. Standing in front of a crowd of barefoot children, Rivera looks solemnly into the camera and stat
es, "Look at the children. They haven't seen television or anything their whole lives." 65. Eleven y
ears after McDonald's announces that it has started cooking its fries in "100 percent vegetable oil"
-- and one month after a Seattle lawyer files suit on behalf of Hindus and vegetarians who interpre
ted that to mean that the fries are meat-free -- the fast-food chain concedes that the "natural flav
oring" in its fries is, in fact, beef fat. 66. Having already earned the public's enmity by declarin
g bankruptcy rather than negotiating with the government during California's electricity shortage, P
acific Gas " Electric shores up its public image by awarding $17.5 million in retention bonuses to i
ts executives. 67. "I only flew Concorde three times, and they were all special offers." -- Kajsa Le
ander, co-founder of Boo.com -- which spent $135 million in two years before going bankrupt -- count
ering charges in a book by Swedish journalist Gunnar Lindstedt that her firm spent too extravagantly
68. In June, Sony (SNE) admits that its marketing department created a fake critic, David Manning o
f the Ridgefield Press, to provide positive blurbs for its movies Hollow Man, A Knight's Tale, and T
he Animal. 69. Why You Still Don't Have Broadband, Part 1: Last June, DSL provider Northpoint Commun
ications, already operating under Chapter 11 protection, abruptly ends service after it fails to sec
ure additional funding. The move leaves 100,000 customers (including 20,000 businesses) without Inte
rnet access. 70. Why You Still Don't Have Broadband, Part 2: In April 2001, Rhythms NetConnections C
EO Catherine Hapka resigns, one day after the company reveals in a regulatory filing that she receiv
ed a 10 percent raise while leading the company to a Nasdaq delisting and is in line for a $400,000
golden parachute. Hapka also reaps $21.5 million from the sale of Rhythms stock. Company officials c
laim that the company has enough cash to last well into 2002. Five months later, the DSL provider cl
oses up shop. 71. Why You Still Don't Have Broadband, Part 3: "There will always be crybaby boobies
who are unhappy with any company." -- Martha Sessums, spokeswoman for DSL provider Covad, illustrati
ng in an interview with News.com the customer-service strategy that helped her company plummet into
bankruptcy 72. Why You Still Don't Have Broadband, Part 4: "I don't get up in the morning and crunch
numbers." -- Excite@Home CEO Patti Hart, to the New York Times, shortly before her company files fo
r Chapter 11 73. In February 2002, WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers tells analysts that the company has pa
id off his margin loans. He now owes the company almost $340 million, while his company shares are w
orth only $120 million. Assets potentially up for sale: his villa in Vail, Colo., and his 164,000-ac
re spread in British Columbia, Douglas Lake Ranch, bought in 1998 for a reported $67 million. Meanwh
ile, to conserve cash, WorldCom cuts off employees' coffee supplies and stops subsidizing their home
long-distance bills. 74. NBC gives excitable superstar chef Emeril Lagasse his own sitcom, Emeril,
a show so unremittingly awful that, after the pilot is shown to critics, one stands up at a press co
nference and asks NBC West Coast president Scott Sassa, "Can you explain how a show like Emeril has
gotten as far as it has? I'm not asking that facetiously. I'm trying to understand the process." Des
pite the pilot's being taken in for retooling, the show is canceled after just seven episodes. 75. U
nilever subsidiary Lipton approves an ad in which a man standing in line for communion holds a bowl
of onion dip, presumably to improve the taste of the body of Christ. Under protest, Lipton withdraws
the ad. 76. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 10: As Enron swirls into bankruptcy, it pays out $55 m
illion in bonuses to about 500 of its employees -- about $110,000 apiece -- in order to retain their
services. This is in stark contrast to the $4,500 severance package offered to 5,100 laid-off Enron
workers. 77. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 11: In late January 2002 -- well after the government
has instructed Enron to stop shredding accounting documents -- Maureen Castaneda, a recently laid-o
ff Enron employee, reveals that the shredding has continued. The tip-off: In boxing up her belonging
s, Castaneda finds a stash of shredded paper to use as packing material. Because the paper has been
shredded horizontally instead of vertically, Castaneda can see that it consists of accounting docume
nts. 78. After two years of hype, Dean Kamen unveils Ginger, a.k.a. the Segway HT scooter. To unders
tand why this is on our list, kindly refer to the table below. 80. Sept. 11 Inc., "I'm Almost -- Alm
ost -- Too Stupid to Ridicule" Division: At 2:40 p.m. on Sept. 11, a New Jersey restaurateur named M
ichael Heiden files a form with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the words "World T
rade Center." Interviewed by the Smoking Gun website, Heiden claims that Disney trademarked the term
"Pearl Harbor" before producing that film [it did not], and that, "if they ever do make a movie [ab
out the terrorist attacks], I'd like to get involved." 81. Speaking of Pearl Harbor -- a film budget
ed at $135 million and scrutinized by countless Disney (DIS) executives -- nobody involved in its pr
oduction thinks to question the scene in which Ben Affleck boards a train from Grand Central Termina
l in New York to his airbase ... in England. 82. After 18 months at Webvan, overseeing a stock plung
e of more than 99 percent, CEO George Shaheen resigns from the online grocer in April 2001, receivin
g a pension that pays him $375,000 per year for life. The only saving grace: Webvan goes bankrupt th
ree months later, rendering it unable to pay Shaheen's pension. 83. Sept. 11 Inc., Misplaced Patriot
ism Division: In the months after the attacks, more than a dozen people and companies file trademark
applications for the phrase "Let's roll" or variants thereof. In the face of protests from the Todd
Beamer Foundation -- named for the passenger on United Flight 93 who uttered the phrase -- one trad
emark applicant, Jack L. Williams of Grosse Pointe Park, Mich., tells the Associated Press, "I don't
care what your name is, it's first in, first swim.... It's all about good old American capitalism."
84. CelebSites, a company whose business consists of managing celebrities' URLs in order to prevent
famous people's names from falling into the hands of unscrupulous cybersquatters, shuts down in Mar
ch 2001. As a result, some of its clients' names fall into the hands of unscrupulous cybersquatters.
85. Still Partying Like It's 1999, Part 3: Peter Chung, a newly hired associate at the Carlyle Grou
p, sends an e-mail to his friends bragging about his lavish new lifestyle. The e-mail -- in which he
boasts of the "hot chicks" he's bedding and concludes, "CHUNG is KING of his domain here in Seoul"
-- is sent to thousands of other people and eventually makes its way back to his bosses. Chung, no l
onger king of his domain, is summarily fired. 86. A Finnish textiles conference, intending to invite
a representative of the World Trade Organization to speak, instead accidentally invites Andy Bichlb
aum, an American antiglobalization activist-prankster. He delivers a speech in which he expresses sy
mpathy for the South in the Civil War, describes Mohandas Gandhi as a "rabble-rouser," and disrobes
to reveal that he is wearing a golden spandex unitard featuring a 3-foot-long inflatable phallus. 87
. Apparently unaware of the group's enmity for the corporate world, GM (GM) pays the British pop ban
d Chumbawamba $100,000 for the rights to use the song "Pass It Along" in a Pontiac ad campaign. The
band promptly passes along the money to a pair of advocacy groups, including one, CorpWatch, that in
tends to spend some of the money looking into GM's social and environmental track record. 88. Sept.
11 Inc., Lip Service Does Not Equal Charity Division: Shoe designer Steve Madden resigns as CEO of h
is eponymous company after being arrested on stock-fraud charges, to which he pleads guilty. A move
that could help rehabilitate his image -- designing an American-flag-themed shoe called "Bravest" in
order to "raise money for New York City's fallen firefighters" -- backfires when the New York Times
reveals that none of the $515,783 in profits from the shoe were given to firefighters' charities un
til reporters began inquiring into the matter. 89. Sept. 11 Inc., A Tiny Portion of the Proceeds Doe
sn't Equal Charity Either Division: Once reporters do look into Steve Madden Inc.'s disposition of f
unds from "Bravest," the company pledges to give 10 percent of its proceeds from the shoe, and a min
imum of $100,000, to a firefighters' charity. It keeps the remainder for itself. Jamie Karson, Madde
n's new CEO, explains to the Times that "the most patriotic thing we can do is make money." 90. Hous
ton, We Have a Problem, Part 12: In his testimony before Congress, Jeffrey Skilling claims that he i
s unable to recall a board of directors committee meeting in which records show that he had approved
several partnership deals, in part because "the room was dark, quite frankly, and people were walki
ng in and out of the meeting." 91. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 13: In his testimony before Cong
ress, Skilling also refutes charges that he "dumped" shares of Enron, by noting, "I left Enron holdi
ng about the same number of shares that I held at the beginning of 2001. On Jan. 1, 2001, the start
of my final year at Enron, I owned approximately 1.1 million shares of Enron stock. On Aug. 14, the
day I left, I owned about 940,000 shares of Enron stock." Apparently, the more than $3 million he re
ceived for the other 160,000 shares qualifies as rounding error. 92. "Ten years from now, when Jac d
ecides to retire, people will be saying, 'I told you so.'" -- Ford spokesman Jason Vines in the New
York Times, in mid-October, hotly denying rumors that Ford CEO Jacques Nasser's job is in trouble; N
asser resigns two weeks later, just 9.96 years shy of Vines's estimate 93. Tina Brown's Diary in the
February 2002 issue of Talk magazine is titled "Humble Up!" and consists of a waggish assessment of
failure, under the header "Learning to love the recession." This is, it turns out, the last install
ment of Tina Brown's Diary, as the magazine's backers, Hearst and Miramax, choose to pull the plug o
n Talk. 94. Frank Flynn, an assistant professor at Columbia University's business school, reportedly
sends identical letters to 240 of New York's best restaurants; in each letter, Flynn claims he beca
me ill as a result of dining at said establishment. At least one restaurant offers Flynn a free meal
as compensation before others get wise to the hoax. Flynn maintains that he sent the letters as par
t of a study in customer service. 95. Having lured Mariah Carey with a $21 million signing bonus and
an $80 million, five-album recording contract, EMI decides, after only one album, to pay her $28 mi
llion to go away. The net result: EMI pays $49 million for the soundtrack to Glitter. 96. Still Part
ying Like It's 1999, Part 4: David Kim Stanley, the convicted felon who, under the name Michael Fenn
e, led the Web video firm Pixelon until his past crimes were discovered, manages to find backers for
a new venture, which he co-founds from jail. No word yet on whether his new firm, StatGuard, will h
ave a launch party on par with Pixelon's legendary $16 million Las Vegas blowout. 97. Disney forces
its theme-park workers to wear company-issued and -laundered undergarments beneath their costumes, d
espite complaints that the skivvies contain scabies and lice. Finally, it relents: Employees must st
ill wear company-issued undergarments, but can now take them home to wash them. 98. "Do you judge Te
d Williams on one bad year?" -- Morgan Stanley analyst Mary Meeker, to Fortune magazine, explaining
why it's unfair to criticize the fact that stocks on which she has maintained "outperform" ratings h
ave lost more than 90 percent of their value. (For the record, Ted Williams's worst year was 1959. H
e played the season with a neck injury and still finished the year hitting a respectable .254.) 99.
And the Winner Is ... Fox News!: Geraldo Rivera informs viewers that he has visited the site of a fr
iendly-fire incident in which three American soldiers were killed. "I said the Lord's Prayer and rea
lly choked up," Rivera says. When a critic for the Baltimore Sun later points out that Rivera was, i
n fact, more than 100 miles away from the site of the incident, Rivera claims he was actually at the
site of a different friendly-fire incident, one that has escaped the attention of the military or a
ny other journalistic source. "This cannot stand," Rivera adds. "He has impugned my honor. It is as
if he slapped me in the face and challenged me to a duel." 100. Houston, We Have a Problem, Part 14:
In February 2002, as it struggles to emerge from bankruptcy, Enron pays more than $200,000 to retai
n its box seats and luxury suite at Enron Field. The company argues that it is making the payment so
lely to fulfill its contractual obligation -- although, coincidentally, it had earlier failed to ful
fill a $200,000-a-year commitment to fund a local Boys and Girls Club. 101. Houston, We Have a Probl
em, Part 15 (and, No Doubt, to Be Continued ...): Proving that the Enron debacle is so ugly that not
even a mother could love it, Jeffrey Skilling's mother, Betty, informs Newsweek, "When you are the
CEO and you are on the board of directors, you are supposed to know what's going on with the rest of
the company.... You can't get off the hook with me there."
dumbest moments business perfect world
list like this would exist perfect world businesses would with utmost integrity competence ours alas
imperfect world must live where enron geraldo rivera cottonelle fresh rollwipes exist least catalog
absurdities carvell adam horowitz thomas mucha april issue houston have problem part enron states b
illions dollars extra revenue through aggressive accounting complicated books partnerships managed e
xecutives while ignoring warnings from employees enriching executives expense investors workforce as
sumes none this will ever come light dozen burger king marketing execs suffer first second degree bu
rns while walking over coals part team building retreat october injured product marketing aptly name
d dana frydman tries positive spin having feet flame broiled like much ground chuck made feel sense
empowerment that accomplish anything tells miami herald banana republic founders patricia ziegler st
art zoza athletic formalwear retailer late says expects sales reach billion within seven years gary
rieschel softbank venture capital invests million telling businessweek have guts have capital optimi
stic about consumer market here zoza designers revamp spring line intentionally making their dresses
sizes smaller than labeled even svelte outraged zoza merchandise return rate soars percent company
shuts down proving that dress doesn must quit sept rampant greed division stations nationwide exploi
t post sept fears fuel shortage charging customers gallon among worst offenders station jackson mich
that according newsweek hikes price gallon proving business school idiot sell dollar cents online c
urrency company flooz july launches special offer whereby american express platinum cardholders floo
z currency just month later flooz ceases processing transactions declares bankruptcy november leavin
g those bought currency stuck with worthless dollars last citizens against government waste group re
ceived funding from microsoft msft caught simulating grassroots campaign state attorneys general dro
p their antitrust suit against software giant detail gives scheme away some letters supporting micro
soft from people long since died after issuing landmark antitrust decision against microsoft judge t
homas penfield jackson lets reporters print comments previously confidential interviews which compar
es bill gates napoleon executives gangland killers june appeals court overturns jackson decision bre
ak company citing remarks evidence rampant disregard judiciary ethical obligations employee event la
st summer steve ballmer apparently suffers grand seizure attempts dance other hard tell case video c
lip calisthenics starts making rounds internet with slogan sometimes wetter better kimberly clark in
troduces cottonelle fresh rollwipes premoistened toilet paper another baby wipes adults houston prob
lem part business puts enron jeffrey skilling cover august september issue symbol digital revolution
week after issue hits newsstands skilling resigns retrospect perhaps skilling pose cover should pro
vided clue houston problem arthur andersen doing accounting october discloses erroneously added bill
ion assets despite rigorous oversight auditors arthur andersen takes billion charge earnings which p
rompts questions about reliable rest numbers having earned enmity five major record labels michael r
obertson takes launching lindows linux based operating system runs windows programs robertson says a
fraid going most notoriously competitive there were five major record labels there only says percent
reduction following footsteps hammer talking chihuahua amazon time magazine person year jeff bezos
becomes shill taco bell touts chicken quesadilla handheld years after announcing plan build state mi
llion supply chain nike cuts earnings outlook current quarter more than million citing problems caus
ed supply chain software supplied itwo nike philip knight tells analysts guess immediate reaction th
is what counters nike implementation system meanwhile shareholders failing promptly disclose trouble
s will deny sony class hardware would deny class software nintendo aspires neither those things pete
r main nintendo marketing executive francisco chronicle still partying like boasting total precisely
profitable quarter salesforce hosts third annual tibet themed freedom bash york dinner russian room
followed concert carnegie hall featuring david bowie philip glass kronos quartet monks drepung goma
ng monastery making linkage between freedom freedom religious oppression explicit invitation bears i
mage buddha states path enlightenment requires news first newsreader headline news former nypd blue
actress andrea thompson ingratiates herself viewers announcing andrea thompson unless been living ca
ve probably already know news channel hires geraldo rivera sends afghanistan camera crew return tick
et gartner group issues trading cards featuring analysts wrestling federation plow into creating mar
ch game between birmingham thunderbolts vegas outlaws scores nielsen rating believed lowest ever pri
me time network program league folds season sept clueless content content division wake terrorist at
tacks employees radio conglomerate clear channel begin circulating list songs inappropriate airplay
among songs imagine john lennon stirring plea peace which later performed neil young during america
tribute heroes fund raiser victims attacks clear channel management denies issuing endorsing list it
alian jewelry bulgari pays british novelist weldon undisclosed extol bulgari products next book weld
on complies offering descriptions white gold diamonds cold metal intricately beautifully worked lain
heavily cool moist flesh wrist throat book title bulgari connection faking transactions should offs
et risk portfolio trader named john rusnak working baltimore subsidiary allied irish banks loses bef
ore bank discovers misdeeds bank federal government launch investigations rusnak fired denying chanc
e unseat barings nicholas leeson lost destroyed year most inept rogue trader ever questions swirl ar
ound finances november kenneth reassures investors everything know know november just scope financia
l improprieties becomes apparent james baker institute gives prize distinguished public service reci
pient alan greenspan mobile office enterprise unveils express desk attaches notebook computer steeri
ng wheel only while parked course great moments privacy june georgia student finance commission acci
dentally allows more than scholarship applicants personal information released onto internet outdone
lilly sends mass mail july users antidepressant prozac neglects header further depressing customers
disclosing their online identities another trumping lilly october graduate student university monta
na accidentally posts school website more documents relating psychiatric treatment children includin
g names addresses descriptions sessions diagnoses investigation reveals since mcdonald prize contest
s including popular monopoly game been rigged eight individuals including worked firm mcdonald hired
contests eight allegedly conspired corner market winning game pieces without enduring arduous eatin
g food mcdonald step coca cola opposite cosponsored contest mistakenly informs people they attempts
propitiate nonwinners gift certificates three free months been doubling sales every months however w
hen start zero takes long stephen director windows terminal manufacturer wyse explaining less meteor
ic rise zdnet some things better left unsaid division association lloyd members newsletter announces
terrorist attacks represent historic opportunity insurance underwriters make money despite looming
drought beginning time warner gerald levin chairman steve case reaffirm intention reaching revenues
ebitda coming year representing gains percent respectively june even country appears sliding into re
cession again affirm intention meet targets despite widespread skepticism retreats stated goals only
january warner releases annual results show revenues ebitda decent results standard save those bras
s earlier warner pittman tells financial times wish kept mouth shut still partying loudcloud ldcl ma
rc andreessen internet infrastructure firm launches march smack middle unfriendliest market decade c
ontrast andreessen previous netscape whose stock doubled first tech mania loudcloud sinks lead cloud
stock offered share well below originally projected range climbs offering press traded share excite
home iwon others line sponsor back april participants encouraged purchase either product share stoc
k online idea dispel negative stereotypes sent technological marketplace into recession because noth
ing dispels negative stereotypes quite abject plea charity filing chapter declaring intention liquid
ate assets ending health care benefits retirees polaroid file request bankruptcy court distribute es
timated stay bonuses newspaper association america names kmart retailer before files bankruptcy prot
ection under chapter broadcast founder dallas mavericks owner mark cuban fined span months saying le
ague director officiating wouldn hire manage dairy queen under fire nation dairy queen managers feel
denigrated profession cuban works shift dairy queen five days later years turner flips switch decla
res smasheroo racks reported losses manages penetrate just nation cable equipped homes announce plan
s pull plug hour sports reporting live afghanistan geraldo rivera implies packing heat refuse crime
victims victim types they going going gunfight century spends reported produce comedy movie freddy f
ingered green licks open wound swings fake newborn baby around head umbilical cord then severs cord
teeth fondles genitalia both horse elephant repeat comedy major league baseball commissioner selig a
nnounces planned elimination teams start season downsizing triggers public outrage union grievance m
unicipal lawsuit congressional hearings inquiries three state attorneys general calls selig resignat
ion advertisement alcatel shows martin luther king historic dream speech digitally erases throngs pe
ople stood washington mall hear message something about important connect connects viewers unintende
d they unnerved manipulation signal events history american civil rights movement second thought tak
e import sedan michelins facing debacle firestone tires ford explorers begin coming apart killing in
juring hundreds companies turn each other ford firestone tires higher incidence tread separation oth
er tires firestone suggests ford explorers likely roll over suvs prospective tire buyers edge warily
away squabbling sales explorers drop plunge traffic safety consultant sean kane discloses behest gr
oup plaintiffs lawyers were representing injured accidents watchdog strategic safety begun investiga
ting failures involving vehicles back never alerted regulators kane york times because number plaint
iffs lawyers burned similar instances decides fight federal government request recall some wildernes
s john lampe bridgestone unit explains decision ignore findings saying consumers drive confidence co
mmitted doing everything safety driving public three bridgestone relents agreeing replace field cmgi
field psinet stadium conseco fieldhouse scope troubles becomes clear price drops alfred harrison mo
ney manager alliance capital buys shares behalf florida pension fund indeed buys many shares exceeds
fund limit investments sells shares cents apiece alliance denies suggestions purchases anything fac
t alliance board members frank savage also director whatever explanation florida fires terminating r
elationship richard gross analyst lehman bros maintains strong rating declines lehman spokesperson h
elpfully explains york times firm advising dynegy purchase pipeline lehman policy change rating invo
lved deal adviser half places advertisements slips paper inside fortune cookies chinese restaurants
confusion ensues when customers mistakenly believe advertisements offer purchase half actually entit
le them dinner check innocent bystander department onscreen caption during interview debacle republi
can consultant niger innis msnbc accidentally misspells name least want misspell happened innis hope
fully last quite innocent bystander department tearful interview today linda wife kenneth proclaims
everything mostly struggling liquidity reporters soon note lays companies real estate holdings globa
l crossing forgives thirds loan made newly appointed legere when worked asian subsidiary also receiv
es signing bonus fact already employed global crossing course pocket change global crossing founder
chairman gary winnick fact never earned penny profit already sold worth soon bankrupt washing stench
death philip morris proposes changing name altria presumably escape taint tobacco producing past do
es however stop producing tobacco does stop causing cancer washing stench death matters even awkward
name altria turns taken altria healthcare based birmingham especially pleased linked noted producer
poor health proudly announcing slightly less pungent stench death tobacco advance omni brands cigar
ettes unveil slogans taste less toxins reduced carcinogens premium taste respectively bottling calli
ng perfume morris also attempts counter antismoking measures czech republic commissioning economic a
nalysis indirect positive effects early deaths savings health care pensions welfare housing elderly
apologizes during sojourn afghanistan decries deplorable living conditions town taloqan standing fro
nt crowd barefoot children looks solemnly camera states look children haven seen television anything
whole lives eleven announces started cooking fries vegetable month seattle lawyer files suit behalf
hindus vegetarians interpreted mean fries meat free fast food chain concedes natural flavoring frie
s beef having earned enmity declaring rather negotiating california electricity shortage pacific ele
ctric shores image awarding retention bonuses flew concorde were special offers kajsa leander founde
r spent before bankrupt countering charges book swedish journalist gunnar lindstedt spent extravagan
tly sony admits department created fake critic david manning ridgefield press provide positive blurb
s movies hollow knight tale animal still broadband provider northpoint communications operating unde
r chapter protection abruptly ends service fails secure additional funding move leaves businesses wi
thout access broadband april rhythms netconnections catherine hapka resigns reveals regulatory filin
g received raise leading nasdaq delisting line golden parachute hapka reaps sale rhythms officials c
laim enough cash well provider closes shop broadband there will always crybaby boobies unhappy marth
a sessums spokeswoman provider covad illustrating interview customer service strategy helped plummet
morning crunch numbers excite home patti hart shortly files february worldcom bernie ebbers analyst
s paid margin loans owes almost worth assets potentially sale villa vail colo acre spread british co
lumbia douglas lake ranch bought reported meanwhile conserve cash worldcom cuts employees coffee sup
plies stops subsidizing home long distance bills gives excitable superstar chef emeril lagasse sitco
m emeril show unremittingly awful pilot shown critics stands press conference asks west coast presid
ent scott sassa explain show emeril gotten asking facetiously trying understand process pilot being
taken retooling canceled seven episodes unilever subsidiary lipton approves standing communion holds
bowl onion presumably improve taste body christ protest lipton withdraws swirls pays bonuses apiece
order retain services stark contrast severance package offered laid workers late january well instr
ucted stop shredding accounting documents maureen castaneda recently laid employee reveals shredding
continued boxing belongings castaneda finds stash shredded paper packing material because shredded
horizontally instead vertically castaneda consists documents hype dean kamen unveils ginger segway s
cooter understand kindly refer table below almost almost stupid ridicule jersey restaurateur named m
ichael heiden form patent trademark office trademark words trade center interviewed smoking website
heiden claims disney trademarked term pearl harbor producing film make movie terrorist involved spea
king pearl harbor film budgeted scrutinized countless disney nobody involved production thinks quest
ion scene affleck boards train grand central terminal airbase england webvan overseeing plunge georg
e shaheen resigns grocer receiving pension pays life saving grace webvan goes bankrupt rendering una
ble shaheen pension misplaced patriotism dozen companies file trademark applications phrase roll var
iants thereof face protests todd beamer foundation passenger united flight uttered phrase applicant
jack williams grosse pointe park mich associated care what your swim good american capitalism celebs
ites whose consists managing celebrities urls order prevent famous names falling hands unscrupulous
cybersquatters shuts down march result clients fall hands unscrupulous cybersquatters partying peter
chung newly hired associate carlyle sends mail friends bragging lavish lifestyle mail boasts chicks
bedding concludes chung king domain here seoul sent thousands eventually makes back bosses chung lo
nger domain summarily fired finnish textiles conference intending invite representative trade organi
zation speak instead invites andy bichlbaum antiglobalization activist prankster delivers speech exp
resses sympathy south civil describes mohandas gandhi rabble rouser disrobes reveal wearing golden s
pandex unitard featuring foot inflatable phallus apparently unaware enmity corporate british band ch
umbawamba rights song pass along pontiac campaign band promptly passes along money pair advocacy gro
ups corpwatch intends spend looking social environmental track record does equal charity shoe design
er steve madden eponymous being arrested fraud charges pleads guilty move could help rehabilitate im
age designing flag themed shoe called bravest order raise city fallen firefighters backfires none pr
ofits shoe given firefighters charities until reporters began inquiring matter tiny portion proceeds
doesn equal charity either once look madden disposition funds bravest pledges give proceeds minimum
firefighters keeps remainder itself jamie karson madden explains most patriotic thing make testimon
y congress jeffrey claims unable recall board directors committee meeting records approved several p
artnership deals room dark quite frankly walking meeting testimony congress refutes charges dumped n
oting left holding same number held beginning final owned approximately left owned apparently receiv
ed qualifies rounding error decides retire saying told spokesman jason vines hotly denying rumors ja
cques nasser trouble nasser weeks vines estimate tina brown diary february talk magazine titled humb
le consists waggish assessment failure header learning love recession turns installment tina brown d
iary magazine backers hearst miramax choose pull plug talk frank flynn assistant professor columbia
university school reportedly identical letters best restaurants each letter flynn claims became resu
lt dining said establishment least restaurant offers flynn free meal compensation others wise hoax m
aintains sent letters study customer lured mariah carey signing bonus album recording contract decid
es album away result soundtrack glitter david stanley convicted felon michael fenne video pixelon un
til past crimes discovered manages find backers venture founds jail word whether statguard launch pa
rty pixelon legendary vegas blowout disney forces theme park workers wear issued laundered undergarm
ents beneath costumes complaints skivvies contain scabies lice finally relents must wear issued unde
rgarments take them wash them judge williams morgan stanley analyst mary meeker fortune explaining u
nfair criticize stocks maintained outperform ratings lost value williams worst played season neck in
jury finished hitting respectable winner informs viewers visited site friendly fire incident soldier
s killed said lord prayer really choked critic baltimore points miles site incident actually site di
fferent friendly fire incident escaped attention military journalistic source cannot stand adds impu
gned honor slapped face challenged duel february struggles emerge retain seats luxury suite field ar
gues payment solely fulfill contractual obligation although coincidentally earlier failed fulfill co
mmitment local boys girls club doubt continued proving debacle ugly mother could love jeffrey mother
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