sr
A L L M E R C H A N D I S E A D V E R T I S E D IN F E L I X IS
GUARANTEED
THE
ILLUSTRATED
NEWSPAPER
AND G E N E R A L ADVERTISER
VOL. X L V I L , No. 2 1 .
PRINTED AND PUBLISHED IN PRINCE CONSORT R O A D , LONDON
WEDNESDAY, M A R C H 22ND,
MCMXCV
THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF IMPERIAL COLLEGE, INCORPORATING THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF SCIENCE, THE ROYAL SCHOOL OF MINES, THE CITY AND GUILDS COLLEGE AND ST. MARY'S HOSPITAL MEDICAL SCHOOL.
A MARVEL OF THE MODERN AGE!
F I R S T G E N T L E M A N , WITH CANE: " M Y WORD G E O R G E , IT'S SIMPLY ENORMOUS!"
S E C O N D G E N T L E M A N : " Y E S , H E N R Y , T H E NEW
PNEUMATIC FLOOR-STANDING PUBLISHING SYSTEM THAT F E L I X HAS ACQUIRED IS TRULY A MARVEL O F T H E MODERN A G E ! "
THE
WE
PROUDLY PRESENT A SELECTION OF THOSE
INORDINATELY TALENTED INDIVIDUALS INVOLVED IN
THE
PRINTING AND PUBLISHING
OF
THIS ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPER.
MATRON KATE COX
Cemeteries are a boon—providing useful shade to
small animals and resting points for tired
travellers: both the mortal and those passed
away. Miss Cox has brought her considerable
knowledge to bear on this subject; more generally
she is to be found recruiting feature writers for
this journal.
MR.
J . THOMSON
when not running his printing
machine business, often spends his time writing
imaginative tales. This week he brings his latest
story to our pages: a morality tale for our time.
MR. J. is otherwise responsible for Felix's weekly
eight day events diary.
M R . THOMSON,
MR.
MARK L.T.
BAKER
who is half of the regular sports
editorial team of our newspaper, first became
interested in chocolate as a small child.
"Eventually I realised I had to know more about
the sweet, elusive mana," said M R BAKER, when
asked to repeat those words exactly.
M R . BAKER,
M i s s SAMANTHA NAGIATIS
Miss SAMANTHA has been writing features for Felix
ever since she arrived at Imperial six months ago.
She has also, it appears, been studying the
guerrilla tactics of Polpot.
EDITOR WRITES.
Every week, our distinguished editor-in-chief, MR. OWAIN BENNALLACK (B.SC..
A.C.G.I., B.B.C., R.U.C.Re.S.) endeavours to entertain and enlighten us with
interesting points raised concerning topical issues of the day.
I
have decided this week to
dedicate
my
humble
s c r i b i n g s to a t a sk they
cannot be worthy of—to review
the s t o r y of m e c h a n i c a l
computing devices over the last
c e n t u r y. A s the v i g o r o u s
observer will have noticed, we
have included on the cover an
imaginative drawing realistically
depicting the new machine in
use in F E L I X . The two gentleman shown are good men of my
acquaintance—men of standing
in
London—yet men who
expressed astonishment when
the machine was first revealed
to them.
Why
is it that the learned in
our society know nothing of this
most crucial of industries—the
very means by w h i c h t h e i r
monies are traded, their news is
related, their scientific discoveries distributed amongst the
populace? Rather then lament
the sad lack of forethought that
inflicts the educators of our
keen young boys—and I speak
of the highest levels of office:
small boys should not only be
taught of Virgil, newts and how
to take a caning—rather I seek
to educate and thus, by using
humble words here, to illustrate
the utility of these devices:
It was one hundred years
ago that the eminent founder of
all modern technology—I speak
of course of Mr. Babbage Esq.—
first achieved full operation with
his
mechanical
counting
OTHER GENTLEMEN OF THE
PRESS
engines. At the time fellows were
"Who needs a machine
The imaginative conceptfor this magazine camejrom within the head sceptical:
of
to do a n y t h i n g so base a n d
MR. OWAIN BENNALLACK. Each page was
designed and pneumatically typeset
(using the very latest techniques) by MR. PAUL DIAS, assisted by MR. MARKv u l g a r as count n u m b e r s
BAKER The
splendid illustrations were hand crafted by MR. JON JORDAN. c o n t i n u a l l y ? " they c h u c k l e d .
Spectacular help at all levels wasfirmly provided by MR. JEREMY THOMSON. Sceptical buffoons! They could
— All lithographic processes were manhandled by INKY THOMPSON. — not know that soon Mr. Babbage
C O N T E N T S
O F
T H I S
would invent more machines—
machines that used the intricate
technology he had developed to
perform ever greater and more
complex tasks. H i s company.
Ingenious Babbage's Machinery,
now
p r o d u c e s devices to
perform a host of excellent and
useful functions: machines to
schedule the locomotive, machines to store information (as if a
great filing cabinet), machines to
provide amusement at the pier
and, I reiterate, machines to
allow the interested gentlemen
to design his newspaper!
Our
newest machine, 'The
P e n t i u m P e g a s u s ' is t r u l y a
marvel of the m o d e r n age! It
incorporates over ten MILLION
m o v i n g p a r t s : cogs, l e v e r s ,
pulleys and crankshafts. It can
accept
twenty
thousand
individual letters a minute and
lay them on the paper according
to a p r e - p r e p a r e d
metal
engraving. It allows one to create
an illustrated newspaper in a
matter of hours! The process is
now
fully m e c h a n i s e d a n d
machine-assisted at every stage!
W h a t great fate, what
h i g h b o r n f e l l o w s we have
become (though humble before
God).
Our superb machines are
peerless in the history of M a n
and all things on E a r t h ! It is
s a i d that we s h a l l soon have
machines so large (one is being
assembled this m o n t h inside
Crystal Palace) that they shall
even be able to t h i n k for
t h e m s e l v e s ! A n d , at last,
machines to advance us into
another existence! 'Approximate
R e a l i t y ' they c a l l the steam
driven son-et-iumiere\ Truly we
become gods for the greater
glory of man and God!
I S S U E .
1. The Cover.—Including an amusing cartoon of the pneumatic
publishing process (with an important yet funny caption).
8. & 9. Weekend Walks.—A guide to the best strolling in London's
cemeteries: Features the writing of two different authors!
2. The Contents; the Editor Writes; an excellent and informative
portrayal of some of those people who produced this 'FELIX'.
10. & 11. Albertopolis.—A curious idea is discussed regarding the
future of our monument. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS.
3. A One H u n d r e d Year O l d M a n . — A n article r e t e l l i n g the
conversation of the author with a one hundred year old man.
12. Lazarus Twice.—A cautionary story of the dangers of science.
4. A Cautionary Tale.—Repenting fool Mr. Ishtiaq warns us of the
Who Write For F E L I X .
dangers to those 'Young Men
13. The Ghosts of Futures Past.—Miss Mileham and M r . Evans,
scholars, inform the reader as to the portrayal of computerised
machines in the medium of talking pictures.
5. Exacting Revenge.—A invaluable guide to ridding oneself of
troublesome fellows. PARTICULARLY FOR
THE
LADIES.
14. A Guide to Chocolate.—Includes: the morals of chocolate;
confectionery eggs; excellent facts concerning chocolate.
6. & 7. ' A n audience with Iain Banks'.—A discussion with the
eminent m a n of letters, w e l l k n o w n i n many circles for his
fluctuating middle initial. BY THE
EDITOR.
15. Easter Puzzles.—Brain-teasers for the recumbent vacationer.
FELIX
16. Three by two.—A reality piece.
22ND MARCH, M C M X C V
M R .
M A R K
L . T . B A K E R TALKS T O
A 100 YEAR OLD
— M R .
REGINALD PINK, A M O S T
A
S I DREW NEAR T H E
house, I knew I was at
the right place. M u s i c
was blaring from a third floor
window—a sure sign that Reg
P i n k was i n residence, I h a d
b e e n t o l d . It's n o t often one
gets to interview a person who
has lived for a century a n d I
was a little n e r v o u s — b u t I'd
b e e n t o l d t h e rules a n d h a d
my questions checked. T h u s I
set off u p the three flights of
stairs to his room.
The
day before I h a d
attended h i s 100th b i r t h d a y
party (at a residential home i n
Petersfield), where h e ' d been
given three telegrams (from the
Queen, P r i n c e s s D i a n a a n d
Peter Lilley), six bowls of fruit
and twelve bottles of whi sky .
Obviously being one h u n d r e d
has its benefits!
He agreed to be interviewed, although he said he was
a little tired from his party;
"It m u s t have w o r n me
out—I slept in today, didn't get
up until six."
In the morning?
"I likes to get up at four and
watch the sunrise."
Somewhat unsettled by the
concept of consciousness before
10 a.m., I probed him further—
what is your earliest memory?
"I was with me brother, we
had short trousers on, and
there was this nice river with little tiddlers in. We got there with
pins, bent i n half, with a bit of
cotton on the end to catch these
tiddlers. We were standing i n
the water, a n d y o u c ould see
right down to the bottom. When
we got a tiddler on, we tried to
pull h i m out, but of course he
wiggled and before we got him,
he was gone. Never d i d catch
one tiddler!"
Not a champion fisher then.
Did you go to school?
"School? I went to school
until I was seven. I never learnt
anythin', I didn't care two hoots
about it—should've done, but I
let it go, so I never learnt anythin'. I always acted to fool. The
Schoolmaster i n those days, if
you was left h a n d e d , t h e y 'd
come and clout your hand with
a ruler. I'm left handed, and he
came up to me and hit me, so I
grabbed the ruler and trod on it.
22ND MARCH,
M C M X C V
SPRIGHTLY A N D
He went and hit me with a bit of
wood, and made me stand i n
the corner. My brother was i n
the class, and every time [the
Schoolmaster] turned around,
my brother'd make a noise, and
I'd turn round and make faces
at him."
F o r t u n a t e l y education is
more progressive these days
(well, perhaps not in ChemEng
lectures). With such huge experience of living in England, I just
had to ask: How do you think
INFORMATIVE
flew! [hands go up in the air to
illustrate the point] Flew, and
had everything we wanted i n
about five minutes, instead of
going on steady. I t h i n k i t ' s
wrong—we're going to fast—it's
wrong altogether. Because, we
should be able to live here—I sit
here, and I have a bit too much
food. I wish I could take that
food out to them people who
need it, so I give it to the birds—
I don't waste anything. ... We're
rich! We're a rich country, and
" I DON'T HAVE TO SMILE, DO I ? " — M R . REGINALD PINK
the country has changed?
"It's all wrong! A l l this murders and a l l , it's a l l wrong!
L a b o u r , Conservatives—they
argue every day, but they don't
get no further, they j u s t go
round in circles. It's all wrong—
I don't think it's going to clear
up, it'll get worse. The bible tells
you that the trouble'll start i n
the east. We're going too fast in
everything we do. Before the
second war we were going nicely, but after that second war, we
we don't use it right. There's
this thing now—this lottery, I
don't do it. If you win—I don't
see that person using a l l that
money, that don't make sense to
me. Just a nice bit of money's
all right, so that you can go on
living properly, but what do they
do with all that money? What
w o u l d I do w i t h the money?
[laughs] It's too much!"
Phew! W e l l at least the
'Decline of the Family' wasn't
mentioned. Ever noticed how
FELIX
MAN.
GENTLEMAN.
some people can't relax? I think
Reg is one of them:
"I like w o r k i n ' . I kept on
w o r k i n ' , because I l i k e d it.
When I retired, I kept on
workin'—I cut up wood for the
poor. One lady said to me 'What
do you do for a living, Pink?' I
said 'I cuts up bits of wood for
the old folk', and of course I was
getting on then—about 80 I suppose—and she laughed. I didn't
catch on for a bit, then I worked
it out—I was older than them I
was cutting the wood for!"
And now for the real reason
I d i d the interview, the single
most important piece of advice I
w a n t e d : H O L D do you think
you've managed
to live so
long?
"You've got me there, I don't
know that one! I've done wrong.
I've done wrong, all my life—if I
couldn't do something the first
time I tried it, I didn't try it no
m o r e . I went d a n c i n g , a n d I
couldn't do it, so I never did it
again. I should have tried again,
I shouldn't have given in. When
the war came out, they built a
railway at Liss, and offered me
the job to look after that bit of
track, a n d I t u r n e d it down.
That was daft, daft—perhaps
that's it, you've got to be daft!
[laughs]"
Well there's hope for me yet
then. I wonder if Reg likes the
royal family: Did you get your
telegram?
"Yes, I got it—don't like it. If
I'd had my will, it would've been
torn to pieces, I wouldn't have
looked at it. But I had to do it
for F r a n k and the others [his
family]. But I didn't think about
the Princess, I forgot she was in
the army [she is the patron of
his regiment]. I got one from
her as well. I'm working class,
me, have been a l l m y life. If
they'd given me something when
I was about 50 or 60, a bit of
money then—what's the good of
a bit of paper to me know? I
can't even read it! [laughs] I like
laughing, I've had a good time."
It was very interesting to
talk about his life and—surprisingly—great fun too! It was a
wonderful opportunity to meet
an old person who still has a lot
of life i n h i m , a n d a l o t of
whisky too—lucky man!
3
A CAUTIONARY TALE
UPDRAUGHT CHORAL SOCIETY
PRESENTS:
MR. SAMIN ISHTIAO PRESENTS A DISTURBING "LESSON
FOR OUR AGE" CONCERNING THE DOWNFALL OF
T H E
YOUNG M E N W H O WRITE F O R FELIX.
I
left F E L I X at 10.30 p . m .
last Saturday. There was a
Greek cultural event going
o n i n t h e E n t s L o u n g e next
d o o r a n d t h e b u i l d i n g was
vibrating to the sounds of a n
American punk revival. But
what struck m e about as I sat
down and considered the
experience is that I a m now a
member of the species I used
to—and others still do—hate:
a F E L I X Hack.
The road to hackdom is a
long and tortuous one. It takes
at least two years, r e q u i r e s
head-banging persistence, guts
and a little bit of writing (and
whining) ability. Of course, it is
still open to question why anyone would want to be a hack.
Certainly, in the beginning, all I
knew was that I just wanted to
write.
But there is no such thing
as a confident fresher. They all
put up fronts and I did too. So I
never d i d have the courage to
get in right at the start. I was
s c a r e d enough to p i c k u p a
FELIX, let alone venture to Beit
Quad and tell some anonymous
journalist that I wanted to write
for it. I think I must have been
scared off by the i m p r e s s i o n
that all those newspaper movies
give: you know, all high-powered people charging around;
testoterone; coffee; p o l i t i c s ;
intellectuals; journalists coming
in and shouting "Hold the front
page!". The Daily Planet's Clark
Kent was the only weakling rolemodel—and that was just an
act.
At the end of my first year I
had worked up enough courage
to go in with a piece of paper:
an "I hate Imperial" essay that I
had spent a week s c r i b i n g . I
r u sh e d i n , stuffed it into the
nearest pigeon hole, and ran
out. I didn't particularly want to
stay and nobody seemed to have
noticed me charge in and out.
The place was full of long 'n'
tousled hair types. There was
loud, b l a r i n g , unrecognisable
m u s i c p l a y i n g . T he editor, I
guessed, was the guy l y i n g
d r u n k i n the m i d d l e of the
room. My letter was never published.
Things improved in the second year and now I felt it paramount to get into print. Now,
the best way to do this is to badger the editor early in the first
term. The editor is new to the
4
CONCERT*
job, so there is still some of the
e n t h u s i a s m for "getting new
people involved". Tip: go catch
the editor while s/he remains in
a "democratic" mood.
Some day I might write of
my so-very-Freudian relationships with editors. Again, the
original idea I had came from
the media itself: editors were
fat, cigar-smoking Americans;
they were all-powerful; needed
no sleep; were tough but fair (a
bit like life? who knows). "Go
and find me everything about
Rosebud." In fact editors are not
like that at all. The more I came
to know the editors, the more I
found out that they were yet
more old mortals. (The flesh is,
indeed, weak...) There was one
e d i t o r w h o was p a r t i c u l a r l y
mediocre. I would tell her how
to edit and place my pieces. A n d
if my piece wasn't p u b l i s h e d
after I gave it to her, I would
w r i t e "I w r i t e ; y o u p u b l i s h .
Clear?" on the next piece.
Even at the stage of "I can
face up the to editor" parts of
F E L I X were untouchable and
m y s t e r i o u s . Who were these
people called 'Poddy' and
'tintin'? Were these real people
and did their mums call them
by these names: "tintin dear, go
and put the kettle on". A n d was
it some connection that all these
strange people (men, plants,
ameobas? God knows what they
were) i n h a b i t e d the m u s i c
pages of the newspaper? While I
now know that the loud, blaring
m u s i c is c a l l e d "Indie", the
music pages are still a complete
mystery to me. (Even now that
Radio Four mention B l u r or
interview someone from XFM).
Music reviews are a completely
surreal read: you could easily
surplant one into a magazine of
e x p e r i m e n t a l w r i t i n g s for
opium-smokers and get away
with it.
As I finish writing the above
p a r a g r a p h , a y o u n g i s h guy
slinks into the FELIX office. He
l o o k s a r o u n d a n x i o u s l y and
seems to d i s l i k e the Lemonheads b l a r i n g i n the b a c k ground. I'm the only one in the
front office. Should I go up and
meet him? He's trying to make
eye-contact. A h , h i s nerves
desert him: he's stuffs his little
piece of paper into the Editor's
pigeon-hole a n d r u n s away.
Mmmm, I wonder who he could
be?
FELIX
FEATURING T H E V O C A L T A L E N T S O F :
f H R
D A f H O *
B L U R .
(OF THE LONDON P U B ENSEMBLE)
I N C O R P O R A T I N G S E L E C T I O N S
M R .
F R O M
B L U R ' S
G R A M O P H O N E
R E C O R D I N G
—PARKLMFE
E
S
DOORS O P E N T O T I C K E T H O L D E R S A T 7 : 3 0 P M ,
11
G
TICKETS 3/ - CHEAP SEATS 2/ (THE UTTER RESERVED FOR THE WONDERSTUFF CONCERTA)
NO FIGHTING, SWEARING
OR DRINKING IN THE STREETS.
=yc>
Sfv^
N E W
1
I
1
1
G A S
i
I
1
use—even
a woman
can operate this
device.
i
i
i
i
i
0
I
P O W E R E D
The latest
technology
in your
any
soundeven
music!
This amazing invention can help you: sleep
well; restore tired blood; calm the nerves;
and even alleviate mental maladies by
playing your preferred sounds, at any time.
rial belzqx
J. T I H I H ' I HACIIIEI
i
I
I
1
1
1
1
1
i
I
CIITIAPTIOIS Co.
22ND
MARCH,
M C M X C V
IN THIS STARTLING AND REVEALING ARTICLE, MISS SAMANTHA NAGAITIS DESCRIBES HER EFFORTS T
MERCILESSLY PERSECUTE THE MEN IN HER LlFE.
WE LEAVE IT AS AN EXERCISE FOR THE READER
TO DECIDE WHETHER HER PUNISHMENTS WERE FITTING.
EXACTING REVENGE.
— A GUIDE F O R Y O U N G LADIES.
W
H A T IS IT A B O U T
revenge that makes
it so... sweet? There
must be something i n the
brain with the sole function of
releasing a most delicious feeling of childlike glee whenever
revenge has been taken. I
know, I've been there. An evil
grin spreads over my face and
my hands impulsively clap
together in a release of joy.
Yes, revenge is sweet.
B u t the p r o b l e m w i t h
revenge is that it is never-ending. Take for example the recent
chain of events in my hall. It all
started when some immature
males (it'd have to be men to
start all this, wouldn't it girls?)
decided to pay a v i s i t to the
fourth floor (where the girls live)
and sellotape our telephones to
the ceiling. If that wasn't bad
enough they then proceeded to
ring us up in the middle of the
night so that we would wake up,
but be unable to stop the ringing
because the phones were stuck
to the ceiling!
Now, I'm a reasonable person, I can see the funny side.
Despite the fact that the whole
fourth floor were taking photos
of these lads and making dartb o a r d s out of them, I w o u l d
have been willing to let it lie. But
they had to put the icing on the
cake. That same night, armed
w i t h fire e x t i n g u i s h e r s , they
knocked on my door. Luckily,
the noises they were making led
me to guess what they were up
to and so I refused to open the
door. Gutted at the thought of
their failed plan they attempted
to squirt water under my door. I
managed to avoid the jet and
informed them of their failure.
Finally they left me with a parting gift of two halves of a potato
pushed under the door.
As I sat, staring at the potato, revenge was not the first
thing on my mind. But I had to
get r i d of the potato so I popped
each half i n an envelope and
addressed the envelopes to the
two m a i n c u l p r i t s of that
evening. The envelopes were
then put with the post for them
to find next morning. That was
p a r t i c u l a r l y c r u e l , but, l i k e I
22ND MARCH,
M C M X C V
s a i d , revenge has an infinite
d o m a i n a n d once e m b a r k e d
upon, it never stops...
And it didn't stop. The following day, whilst I was on the
phone, (a vulnerable position),
one of these boys managed to
soak me with the fire extinguisher. Of course, I wanted revenge,
not just for being soaked, but
for the previous nights antics. I
decided that the potato letter
obviously wasn't harsh enough
for him to learn his lesson. And
I had a duty to represent those
on the fourth floor who were as
angry as myself.
The first thing I d i d was
take a short trip into Knightsbridge where I purchased an
unusual looking bottle of beer.
Then, I got my boyfriend on my
side. I got h i m to drink half of
the bottle of beer (which wasn't
difficult) and then sent him off
to the toilet to fill it up again
with his urine. The trap was set.
We found find our villain—the
conversation between h i m and
my man proceeded as follows:
M Y MAN:
VICTIM:
M Y MAN:
VICTIM:
Hey, have you tasted
this beer before?
No.
Just have a taste, I
think it tastes a bit
funny.
Naturally my victim's room
was locked but I managed to
find his room-mate. I got him to
let me in with the story that I'd
only found one of my shoes. He
s t o o d a n d w a t c h e d me as I
faked a frantic search through
cupboards, under the bed, etc. I
waited for a suitable moment
t h e n r e t r i e v e d the egg a n d
d e p o s i t e d it u n d e r the b e d
cover. With the words "I can't
find my shoe so I'm going to sit
here u n t i l someone tells me
where it is." I threw myself onto
the bed with as much force as I
could muster... but the egg didn't smash! I pretended to trace
the pattern of the bedcover with
my finger whilst applying phenomenal pressure on the egg...
but it didn't smash! Finally in a
faked burst of anger and frustration at not being able to find
my shoe I stabbed the bed (and
the egg) w i t h m y key. It
smashed! Hallelujah! I made a
hasty exit!
And so it stands. There has
been no further attack on me
yet. My room stays locked twenty-four hours a day and I creep
nervously around corridors,
expecting him to be just around
the corner with a fire extinguisher, or a can of foam or something! Yes revenge is sweet when
it's yours, but when you're waiting... the suspense can be fatal.
O.K.
We both stare in disbelief as my
v i c t i m d r i n k s the r e p u l s i v e
elixir... and then...
VICTIM:
fire extinguishers'? I made a
phonecall: he hadn't read the
note. Five minutes later, another
call was made; he didn't believe
the note! The sweet revenge was
t u r n i n g s o u r : I w a n t e d firew o r k s , threats, anger, some
R E A C T I O N . It was getting late
and I assumed he w o u l d not
take his revenge that evening so
I went for a chat in my friend's
r o o m . . . leaving my door
unlocked...
"Oh G o d where's my
duvet?" was the piercing cry that
echoed through the hall when I
returned to my room. Not only
had my duvet walked, but my
shoes had gone and there was
washing powder i n my pillowcase! After frantic searching we
discovered my m i s s i n g items
safe and sound in selected hidi n g p l a c e s a r o u n d the h a l l .
Although reunited with my possessions, I was not satisfied and
this time revenge was very much
on my mind. I glanced around
my room searching for inspirat i o n . So I c h e c k e d out the
fridge... and there lay a lone egg
that I had bought two months
ago! I picked up one of my new
r e t r i e v e d shoes a n d h i d m y
organic weapon inside.
We p r o u d l y present o u r n ew
Superior Juice Extractor
Registered Patent No. 2525
It's all right actually!
G u l p number one would have
been satisfactory for me but to
my delight Mr. Victim took TWO
M O R E L A R G E G U L P S before
d e c i d i n g the beer d i d taste
funny after a l l . B y this time,
he'd finished half the bottle!
The next thing to do was to
let him know what he had just
d r u n k without being within
throwing-of-some-large-object
distance. So I wrote h i m a
friendly little note and left it on
a chair whilst we retreated i n
haste to my room. I locked my
door and we waited... and waited... and waited and... What? No
retribution? No 'Revenge of the
"Will quickly and
effeciently extract the
juice from all known
vegetables and fruits
(including all the
new varieties from
the East Indies). A
bath or sink may be
required to assist in
the process."
P.
B.
DlAS AND SONS, Purveyors
and Bathroom Products
O L D C O M P T O N ST.,
of Quality
Kitchen
for N e a r l y Fifty Y e a r s .
SOHO,
LONDON.
BEWARE OF SPURIOUS IMITATIONS
FELIX
5
ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING VERSIONS OF LEISURELY PURSUIT AVAILABLE TO THE YOUNG GENTLEMEN AND
LADIES OF IMPERIAL COLLEGE IS THE MENTAL IMBIBING OF FUTURISTIC TALES CONCERNING FANTASTIC LANDS
AND REMARKABLE CREATURES. FELIX SPOKE TO ONE NOVELIST WHOSE WORKS OF THIS STYLE, SUCH AS USE
OF WEAPONS AND FEERSUM ENJIN, HAVE PROVIDED MUCH AMUSEMENT RECENTLY—YET HE ALSO DIVERTS
HIS SKILLS TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF EDUCATED TALES SUCH AS THE WASP FACTORY AND (KMPUOTY.
A n audience with
Mr. Iain M. Banks.
World renowned man of letters.
MR.
BENNALLACK,
EDITOR, ENJOYED A FRUITFUL
C O N V E R S A T I O N W I T H T H E A U T H O R .
Our audience is advised that the latestfindings of the physicians suggest that the reading oj imagina
tales helps to soothe the brain by broadening its extent, and thus allowing the blood toflow moref
O U R A P I D L Y discover,
after a c o n d u c t i n g a
few interviews, that the
ones w h i c h y o u ' v e been
reading for years i n magazines
newspapers
are a
and
complete fiction. It is a clear
example of the simplest of
post-modern truths—that the
author can't be separated from
h i s t e x t — a n d i t a r i s e s so
vividly because, even more so,
the author cannot insulate his
writing from the experience he
is writing about.
How do y o u w r i t e up an
Interview w h i l s t p r e s e r v i n g
objectivity? If you only record
what was s a i d by each party
then you exclude a vast amount
of i n f o r m a t i o n : yet i f y o u
attempt to translate the body
language, emotions and so on
then the interview is already an
interpretation! The point? That
in despair, I shall be adopting
the Machine Gun technique.
Y
A P P R O A C H
O N E
The Interview as a confessional
of the interviewer's
fallibility.
Owain Bennallack (OB) starts
the interview with a very jovial,
reddish haired Iain Banks (IB)
on Sunday 12th M a r c h 1995.
Banks sits, talking quickly and
continually (and in clothes more
redolent of a science fiction fan
than a best-selling author) at a
table i n the d i n g y offices of
FELIX TOWERS...
OB: Okay, so, first of all you
were a journalist...
6
IB: No.
OB: Oh.
IB: I've done a couple of
interviews, one with Terry
Gilliam and one with that
American author, ummmm...
OB: Oh.
IB: But that was it.
OB: I see.
(Uncomfortable pause)
OB: You do write Science
Fiction novels don't you?
IB: No, no, that's Iain M. Banks
you want... No, just kidding!
A P P R O A C H
T W O
The Interview as a God's Eye
view of the interviewee's life,
with quotes as appropriate.
Iain Banks, author and never-aj o u r n a l i s t , has been w r i t i n g
s i n c e h i s e a r l y teens. He
completed his first attempt at a
novel at the age of fourteen—"I
counted it up and found out it
was only fifteen thousand words
w h i c h I u n d e r s t o o d wasn't
enough." For his second attempt
he managed nearly ten times
that amount; it was written i n
pencil i n a log-book which his
dad brought to shore from the
ship he worked on. These early
exertions gave credence to his
c o n v i c t i o n a n d already w e l l promoted intentios, that he was
going to be a writer. Unusually,
both parents were supportive;
his dad's attitude was, he says,
"Ach, just as long as the lad's
happy..."
The writing continued as he
grew up and went to S t i r l i n g
FELIX
U n i v e r s i t y — i n fact he h a d
completed five novels before the
sixth was finally accepted for
publication. It was the instantly
controversial 'Wasp Factory',
which famously promoted itself
by i n c l u d i n g b a d , as w e l l as
good reviews on the cover.
"What l o o k e d l i k e a n
overnight success actually
h a p p e n e d over m o r e t h a n a
decade!" I a i n s a y s . B u t h i s
writing career since then has
not allowed those early books to
go to waste. Three of them, 'Use
of Weapons', 'Against a D a r k
B a c k g r o u n d ' a n d ' P l a y e r of
G a m e s ' have s i n c e been reedited and published.
In those early years he was
living i n London, although he
had stayed in Scotland for some
time after graduating, working
for six months and then taking
the next s i x off to do a little
travelling and to write (and so
on, with wedding
photos if
possible...)
A P P R O A C H
T H R E E
An exploration of the genre
OB: Is science fiction about the
future or the past?
IB: Oh, I think it's definitely
about the future... I think I'm on
record as saying 'Science is the
religion that works' and Science
Fiction is like its hymn book.
OB: Does it reflect the period in
which it was written?
IB: Oh, very much so. Science
Fiction tells you a lot about the
time it was written and [crittcsl
have claimed that they can tell
within months when any science
fiction book was written. Partly
of course it just reflects the state
of technological thinking.
OB: Room-size microwave
ovens and the rest of it?
IB: Yeah, that sort of thing. My
favourite example of getting it
wrong is the cover of an issue of
Amazing Stories: it's a scene
inside an inspection hatch of
what's obviously a rocket and
you look out the window over a
field of big pointy 'Tintin goes to
the moon' rockets and there's
an engineer standing on top of a
ladder, he has a spanner in
each hand and clenched
between his teeth is a slide rule!
OB: Oh dear (laughing)
IB: You never know the
mistakes you're making... your
horizon is limited by the
exponential curve of the
development of technology...
OB: Yeah!
IB: God, that sounded almost
sensible!
OB: Don't worry, I'll edit that bit
out...
A P P R O A C H
F O U R
The Interview as a chance to
ask very long questions of the
interviewee in order to promote
one's own theories (and
sometimes pay compliments)
OB: Don't take this the wrong
way, it's really a compliment,
but when I read your Science
Fiction novels they seem to me
to be very much old school
22ND M A R C H ,
M C M X C V
science fiction, because any of
the cyberpunkesque manifestations—the darkness, the decay
and despair—tend to happen
only when somebody actually
leaves the Utopia, The Culture,
and go to a virgin planet: whereas the last ten years has seen a
general trend i n Science Fiction
of people shooting themselves
up and turning into robots and
generally abandoning those
principles on which that 'old
school' was founded. Was that a
conscious decision?
IB: Oh, quite deliberate, yes.
A P P R O A C H
F I V E
The Interview as a serious
discussion of various important
cultural points, in which both
parties are mere cyphers for
ideas to flow through.
N.B. This technique often
works best in conjunction with
Self-Aggrandising and Clever
Smart Arse style questioning.
OB: Do you think that Science
Fiction is constrained not just
by the ideas we can understand
but by the language we can use?
IB: Yes, in a sense when you're
reading these books you have to
realise you are reading a translation—if it says that someone
nods then you don't really know
what the hell they're doing! (Ian
does an amusing impression of
something headless nodding)
OB: [After a discussion about
the origins of Bank's universe)
So The Culture is the right side?
IB: Hell's teeth yes! I've bent
over backwards to be a bit
critical and I've actually
occasionally made it look
unpleasant, which it isn't! The
Culture is Heaven on Earth, or
lots of different planets anyway!
You don't have to do any work if
you don't want to, you can do as
much useful work or play as
you can, you have vast
resources at your fingertips, you
live for at least 400 years, you
can jump on a starship and go
to exciting new places—you can
become a starship! Ummm, and
the sex is great as well! A n d
you've got drug glands built into
your body! And with the contact
section you don't have to even
feel guilty about having a
holiday! You can actually prove
that people are out there doing
good! Fuck me, that sounds like
total Nirvana. But it's difficult to
write stories set in a Utopia!
(Note that this has now
become 'the Interview as the
mad ravings of a prophet'!)
A P P R O A C H
SIX
The Interview as factoids.
Name Iain Banks
Age Um, over forty
Occupation Author
22ND
MARCH,
M C M X C V
Type of Author Writer of short
stories, novels and science
fiction. H i s C u l t u r e series is
probably the most successful
B r i t i s h sci-fi for twenty years
and 'Complicity' has been in the
best-seller lists for months...
N o t to b e c o n f u s e d w i t h
memory b a n k s , sperm b a n k s
and Barclays Bank
To be confused w i t h Iain M .
Banks
H u h ? They're the same person
Why the M ? Iain publishes his
'serious' fiction sans 'M' and his
S c i e n c e F i c t i o n w i t h ' M ' on
display
A cunning marketing ploy?
Not really, more an innocent
mistake
More a part of an elaborate tax
s c a m ? U n l i k e l y , Iain is a
committed socialist
More literary vanity then? No!
As he says himself: "Macmillan
[his publishers] said the ' M ' was
a b i t fussy so a s k e d me i f I
m i n d e d d r o p p i n g it... but my
parents saw it and got jocularly
upset so I decided to put it back
in for the Science Fiction."
Not to try and hide the fact he
writes ridiculous Science
Fiction at a l l . .. LOOK! It was a
mistake! But: "I wish I hadn't
done it because it gives ammunition to literary snobs"
U m m m , so d e a l w i t h i t ? He
m a y be t a k i n g the ' M ' out
completely in future
Good Good
Most likely to say "If that ' M ' is
the greatest regret i n my
publishing career then I'll count
myself very lucky"
Least l i k e l y to say Perhaps I
should change my name to Iain
Ainous—that way I'll be above
Martin Am is in the directories
A N D I ' l l be m a k i n g a coarse
literary joke in the same deal!
Iain laughs l o u d l y before
continuing with his well argued
and enlightening discussion of
British politics—
"And you're not going to
even
get much of a change
with Uncle Tony in are you? I
can remember
Ted
Heath's
government and it was slightly
to the left of Blair!"
I t h i n k the C o n s e r v a t i v e
government is going senile...
"They're just a crowd of
bastards, I'm sorry, you won't
get anything more sensible out
of me..."
change the ending! They could
have S c h w a r z e n e g g e r i n the
leading role, I wouldn't m i n d ,
they c o u l d have a h a p p y
ending—don't care! So long as I
get to see the fight underneath
the hovercraft, the b i g t r a i n
wreck and the megaship and the
iceberg colliding—oh and the
orbital being blown up, as long
as I get to see all that stuff!"
A P P R O A C H
Numbers.
IAN B A N K S W R I T E S 4 0
W E E K FROM 9
A P P R O A C H
S E V E N
The Interview as a chance to
promote one's own political
beliefs by quoting inordinate
amounts of otherwise
irrelevant material showing
your subject as a person of
impeachable social conscience
and sensible thinking.
I ask Iain if he would use his
position as a writer to promote
his own political beliefs?
"Well, I've always tried to
write political stories, it's just
that I'm not very good at it.
There is always some point in
any one of my books where one
of the character will suddenly
pipe up fucking Tory bastards'
and you can say 'ah, there's
Iain, having
his little
say
again'—but
I find
it very
difficult to incorporate any sort
of deep meaningful politics into
my books..."
A P P R O A C H
The Interview as
E I G H T
soundbites.
—"I c o n s i d e r m y s e l f s e m i famous: people come up to me
in the bar and go 'Iain Banks?'
and I'll say 'Yes! Guilty!"
—"You don't take that sort of
thing seriously do you? She just
rang up my editor and he asked
her for a quote... of course I
knew what she didn't, that the
very next novel was going to be a
lumbering Space Opera!" (When
asked whether he
considers
being Fay Weldon's
'Great
White Hope of
Contemporary
Fiction' a burden).
—"I'd make up stories in bed in
my head; I used to have a lot of
p r o b l e m s going to b e d and I
couldn't even spell masturbate
let alone do it!"
—"I'd like to see it ['Consider
Phlebus'] made into a film so
m u c h that they c o u l d even
FELIX
N I N E
AROUND
UNTIL 5
15,000
HOURS A
PRODUCING
WORDS IN
1
WEEK
AND A FIRST DRAFT IN 2 MONTHS.
A P P R O A C H
T E N
The Interview as a construction
of the world we'd all like to live
in, where endings come at
exactly the right moment.
"As you get older it eventually
thunders through that common
sense, decency and rationality
are an exception to the r u l e :
people make choices within a
melange of a c t i o n s a n d accidents. If you can manage your
life i n t o a set c o n t a i n i n g as
many of moments of clarity as
p o s s i b l e then y o u ' r e d o i n g
well... This isn't supposed to be
mystical, this is just to try to
organise your life!"—Iain Banks.
M Y THANKS T O G I D O N M O O N T
ICSF
or
FOR HIS ARRANGING O F THIS
INTERVIEW A T V E R Y SHORT NOTICE.
7
T H E GREAT C I T Y O F L O N D O N PROVIDES M U C H FOR T H E K E E N ENTHUSIAST OF CEMETARIES. I N THIS D O U B L E
PAGE FEATURE ARTICLE, W E P R E S E N T TWO SPECTACULAR E X A M P L E S WHICH WILL SATISFY E V E N T H E MOST
D E M A N D I N G CEMETARY S E E K E R . L O N D O N ' S CEMETARIES A R E A L S O IDEAL F O R W E E K E N D W A L K S .
WEEKEND WALKS IN
LONDON CEMETARIES.
M R . D A N I E L G L U C K M A N EXPLORES K E N S A L G R E E N C E M E T A R Y , A N D O U R MATRONLY CEMETARY
CORRESPONDENT, M L S S K A T E C O X , ENJOYS T H E DELIGHTS OF H L G H G A T E C E M E T A R Y .
Readers are advised to note that opening times and entrance charges are given at the end of each
T
HEY
MADE
ONE
crucial mistake. W h e n
a letter a r r i v e d at the
bank, explaining that their
f o u n d e r was b u r i e d i n t h e
cemetery a n d that any money
to help with his mausoleum's
upkeep would be appreciated,
Barings l a u g h e d a n d sent a
d e s u l t o r y five p o u n d s . T h e
F r i e n d s of K e n s a l
Green
Cemetery were s u m m o n e d to
the graveside where they
chanted until the spirit,
woken by the cacophony,
prepared to wreak his hideous
revenge o n h i s d e s c e n d a n t s .
Or maybe not. Anyhow, one
Sunday, I venture into this
l a n d of the d e a d , w o n d e r i n g
what the Friends' guided tour
will reveal, apart from the
c r u m b l i n g t o m b o f W. F .
Baring.
Situated between the Grand
Union Canal and Harrow Road,
Kensal Green is the longest-surviving E n g l i s h cemetery that
remains i n private ownership.
In fact it was the p r o t o t y p e
B r i t i s h cemetery, founded i n
1832 by the remarkable entrepreneur George G a r d n e r and
based on s i m i l a r schemes he
had seen i n France. G a r d n e r
spotted that the attempt to bury
100,000 bodies a year i n just
over eight acres of consecrated
church land—as post-Industrial
Revolution L o n d o n swelled i n
numbers—was doomed to an
early grave.
The average resting time for
a body before having a fresh
corpse dumped on top of it was
about seven months, and the
graveyards became a breeding
ground for disease. Gardner's
v i s i o n was of a ' n e c r o p o l i s '
which would not only hygienically d i s p o s e of the c a p i t a l ' s
mounting dead, but also be a
8
satisfying destination for that
most Victorian of requirements,
healthy recreation for the masses. He managed to obtain the
backing of wealthy banker Sir
John Dean Paul.
Kensal Green's place i n
high society was ensured when
George Ill's c h i l d r e n decided
soon after the cemetary opened
that they wanted to be buried
there. T h i s started a r u s h of
social climbers looking for some
after-death social cache.
T he t o u r begins i n the
Anglican Chapel, where Julian
W. S. L i t t o n E s q . r a i s e s an
imperious hand to silence the
chattering masses, who have
flocked from their Ikea kitchens
across the boggy paths to be
here. The President of Kensal
Green Friends, Julian is rightly
contemptuous of ordinary mortals who k n o w n o t h i n g of
R i c h a rd Forrest's landscaping
or
William
Ronalds
of
Brentford's planting. Speaking
i n tones a p p r o p r i a t e for a
Sunday sermon, he preaches
the cemetary's h i s t o r y to a
hushed congregation. The only
s o u n d s come f r o m the o d d
scrape of Wellington boot on
pew or the cries of a young child
hanging from its parent's front
in an oversized papoose. Once
J u l i a n has finished, he allows
h i s d i s c i p l e s to escort away
groups of eager cemetery-goers
outside to continue the tour.
Our guide has a unique personal style, combining Freddie
Mercury's moustache with a blatant toupee. He seems very surprised when nobody owns up to
being a s t a m p c o l l e c t o r , b u t
m a k e s up for the deficit by
brandishing his own 1840s first
day cover and handing it around
for general perusal. I'm not sure
that he gets it back.
T he G e n e r a l C e m e t e r y
Company owns the cemetery, as
it has done for the l a s t 163
years, and profits enough from
it to pay a healthy—but undivulged—dividend. The Company
makes money by selling grave
plots. When it sells a plot, it
doesn't just sell the rights to the
plot, it sells the plot itself, free-
hold. The purchaser then has
the right to b u i l d any form of
r e s t i n g p l a c e they d e s i r e ,
whether it be a simple cross or
a mausoleum capable of holding
tens of corpses. The consequent
range of t o m b s reveals the
Victorians' true credentials as
pioneers of post-modern architecture, over a century before
Las Vegas. Just one mausoleum
can contain a mix of sphinxes,
classical columns, gothic arches, imposing statues and more.
The chapels' design has an
embittered history. The compet i t i o n to d e c i d e w h o s h o u l d
design them was won by Henry
Kendall. However, S i r J o h n
Dean P a u l d i s l i k e d Kendall's
gothic style and so arranged for
the contract to be awarded to
John Griffith, who presented an
e n t i r e l y different, c l a s s i c a l
design. In the resulting conflict
of o p i n i o n s , p o o r George
G a r d n e r , the f o u n d e r , was
removed from the Board, and
disappeared into obscurity. The
spurned Kendall's riposte was
to purchase the plot at the start
of the p a t h l e a d i n g to the
Anglican chapel and b u i l d a
gothic tomb there. It's a revenge
w o r t h y of some respect, b u t
given the potential his tomb is
sadly unimpressive—a wasted
opportunity.
The V i c t o r i a n o b s e s s i o n
with death (at the expense of
any public consideration of sex)
contrasts sharply with modern
values. The obsession reveals
itself in the detail of late nineteenth-century coffins, w h i c h
were made with a small catch
on the inside. This enabled any
unfortunate a w a k i n g from a
deep sleep and finding themselves on the verge of internment to escape. Of c o u r s e ,
should one have revived six feet
FELIX
22ND MARCH,
M C M X C V
under it wo u l d have been too
late, and so some right-thinking
m e m b e r s of the c o m m u n i t y
i n s t r u c t e d i n their w i l l s that
their heart should be removed
on death to prevent such a scenario.
The tour takes in the catacombs as well. Actually, they are
a slight disappointment, being
relatively small (only 3000 bodies as opposed to the quarter of
a million interred elsewhere i n
the c e m e t e r y ). A l s o , i n m y
enthusiasm for a truly gothic
adventure I'm not wielding the
r e c o m m e n d e d t o r c h , i n s t e ad
o p t i n g for a r u s t e d p a r a f f i n
lamp. I imagine myself peering
through the m u r k y gloom at a
row of twisted corpses with my
lamp at eye-level, with Indiana
slaying snakes behind me.
Instead, a Friend jumps me as I
fumble with my matches i n a
darkened side alley.
This particular Friend
harks back to Victorian death
obsessives. His glee at announcing 'another child's coffin' is just
healthy enjoyment of all things
rotting and putrefied. He derives
particular
pleasure
from
explaining why coffins placed in
the catacombs are triple-lined
(ornate for the outermost, lead
for the innermost). When bodies
decompose in coffins, the resultant fluids do not evaporate.
Instead of just rotting to nothing, bodies end up as putrescent
liquid. Gaseous byproducts of
d e c o m p o s i t i o n can't escape
either, c a u s i n g a b u i l d - u p i n
pressure. The coffins are like
well-shaken bottles of lemonade
and, should they fall apart, the
catacombs would be filled with
the fountains of h u m a n remains. Sadly, the catacombs lack
even this element of adventure.
The 'Friend' who trails me
to the bus stop assures me he
expects to see me b a c k very
the
soon—perhaps
when
catafalque is fully operational.
Glancing around to make sure
his reflection can be seen i n the
shop window behind us, I recall
that the catafalque is the system
currently under repair w h i c h
allows a coffin to be dramatically lowered on a velvet p l a n k
from the c h a p e l to the catacombs below. It is a stylish welcome to their final resting place
for those w h o c a n afford i t .
Apparently Peter Baring has his
eye on a pauper's grave just outside Jarrow.
—DANIEL
CEMETARIES ARE POPULAR WITH THE TOURISTS AS WELL AS THE DEAD.—A
C
EMETARIES
ARE
popular with tourists—
think of J i m Morrison's
grave i n Pere Lachaise, Paris,
and Karl Marx's tomb i n
Highgate Cemetary, north
London. Kensal Green Cemetary makes a comfortable
profit from its punters. It isn't
just gothic extravanganzas, or
the deceased's family's taste
i n plastic flowers, that attract
t h e c r o w d s . P e o p l e l i k e to
combine a Sunday walk with a
reflective moment b y a graveside; there's no morbid curiosity about it.
Highgate C e m e t a r y was
d e s i g n e d i n the 1830s by
Stephen Geary, a designer of gin
palaces. Highgate a n d Kensal
G r e e n were m e m b e r s of the
Magnificent Seven, private
cemetaries created when the
squalor of public burial grounds
became just too obvious.
You may not have thought
of scientists' graves as crowdpleasers, but think again.
Highgate Cemetary is packed
with scientific luminaries. You
could walk back from Karl Marx
to the m o n u m e n t of W i l l i a m
Friese-Greene, the first to patent
a commercially practical moving-picture camera.
B o r n plain William Green
in 1855, Friese-Greene was a
h a n d s o m e , r i c h , fashionable
photographer of Bond Street by
h i s t w e n t i e s . He became
obsessed with the problem of
taking lots of photographs very
quickly and projecting them at
the same rate. At his first adapted m a g i c - l a n t e r n s h o w , the
audience expected pretty slides
of b i b l i c a l pictures to go with
their
light
refreshments.
Instead, they saw a girl's head
appear on the screen, moving
her eyes and smiling. A n elderly
lady, t h i n k i n g it a deception,
rushed at the screen and poked
her u m b r e l l a into one of the
girl's moving eyes. "I'll teach you
to play tricks on us." She almost
collapsed with fright after touching the cloth of the screen.
Optimistic and muddleheaded, Friese-Greene never
maintained a successful business. When he died suddenly in
1 9 2 1 , he h a d n o t h i n g b u t a
shilling
and
tenpence.
N e v e r t h e l e s s , he w a s w e l l known. On the day of his funeral, all cinemas i n Britain took
t h e i r p r o g r a m m e s off the
screen, stopped their machinery
a n d r e m a i n e d s i l e n t for two
minutes as a salute.
The grave of H e r b e r t
Spencer is also on the eastern
s i d e (Highgate C e m e t a r y i s
divided into two), in a little cluster of famous people by the far
w a l l . Spencer, b o r n 20 years
into the nineteenth century, died
i n 1 9 0 3 . T h e F r i e n d s of
Highgate Cemetary leaflet notes
that he wasn't just a philospher
but a biologist too, and the pioneer of sociology in Britain. He
introduced the word 'evolution'
in its modern sense, and coined
the p h r a s e ' s u r v i v a l o f the
fittest'.
O n the other s i d e of the
r o a d , i n the r a t h e r w i l d e r
Western Cemetary, is the elegant, p l a i n gravestone of
Michael Faraday. Faraday, born
a century earlier than Spencer,
was the t h i r d s o n of a blacksmith. Having had no scientific
education, he became interested
in chemistry while working at a
bookshop. Faraday's reputation
is founded upon his discovery of
electromagnetic i n d u c t i o n i n
1831. He had very little spare
time—as the Friends' specially
commissioned leaflet tells you.
he was also the first to isolate
benzene, and designed lights
and fog-warning systems for
lighthouses.
The d i s c r e t e p l a q u e o f
another communicator, Jacob
Bronowski, is just on the right
of the western side's courtyard.
Bronowski (1908-1974) is best
known to the public for writing
GENTLEMAN (OVERHEARD)
and presenting the B B C series
The Ascent of Man. He tried all
his working life to reconcile science and art, and wrote this in
the 1960s:
Neither art nor science is
dull; no imaginative activity is
dull to those who are willing to
re-imagine it for themselves. Of
course, many individual scientists are personally dull; but I
assure you, after a lifetime of
suffering both, that many
artists are dull people too. But
they are not dull inside ... science or art, every creative
activity is fun.
Highgate's Friends, a determined group of volunteers, have
sold the tickets, r u n the tours
a n d p l a n n e d the c e m e t a r y ' s
upkeep for twenty years, ever
since the previous owner gave
up and threatened closure.
T h e y have a ' c o n t r o l l e d
neglect' p o l i c y , m a k i n g the
cemetary rather s p e c i a l : y o u
don't get a tangle of twigs, bramble a n d fallen trees i n p u b l i c
parks. Slowgrowing trees planted a century age, like yew, pine
a n d h a w t h o r n , are i n t h e i r
prime, but the Friends get r i d of
sycamore—its leaves r o t too
slowly, it casts too much shade,
and too few insects live on the
bark. Other Friends have a less
hands-on
r o l e : they are
researching labyrinthine connections between the people
buried in their cemetary.
If you're p l a n n i n g rather
m o r e t h a n a day's v i s i t —
Highgate Cemetary is a multifaith b u r i a l g r o u n d , a n d c a n
cater for M u s l i m s , Buddhists,
J e w s , A n g l i c a n s , whatever—
you'll need to die pretty soon:
it's almost full.
— K A T E Cox
HIGHGATE
C E M E T A R Y is A LISTED
G R A D E II PARK. T H E E A S T E R N CEMETARY
IS OPEN FROM
10
WEEKENDS) TO 5
CHARGE IS £1
A . M . (11
P.M.
A . M . AT
T H E ADMISSION
PER PERSON, PLUS £1 PER
C A M E R A . T H E W E S T E R N C E M E T A R Y IS
OPEN FOR GUIDED TOURS ONLY.
GLUCKMAN
K E N S A L GREEN CEMETARY is
O P E N DAILY F R O M 10 A . M . T O 5
P.M.
GUIDED TOURS
SUNDAY
AT
2 P.M.
START
EVERY
A N D COST
£3.
T H E CATACOMBS CAN B E S E E N O N T H E
FIRST SUNDAY
22ND MARCH,
OF EVERY M O N T H .
M C M X C V
K E N S A L G R E E N CEMETARY WOKS PARTICULARLY FETCHING WHEN COVERED WITH A CRISP BLANKET OF FRESH SNOW.
FELIX
9
MR. J. P. JORDAN EXPERIENCES A WORRISOME AMOUNT OF DISCOMFORT AND NEAR MADNESS IN THIS
MODERN WORLD OF RELENTLESS HERITAGE AND PRESERVATION. SURELY, HE ENQUIRES, THE GREAT
PRINCE ALBERT WOULD NOT AGREE WITH WHAT IS BEING DONE IN HIS MEMORY?
ALBERT; HERE BUT NOT AMUSED.
As he walked across the road
Prince Albert could not help but
admire the power and gracefulness of the motorised carriages that thrust along its
length. There appeared to be
an endless stream of them, carrying his nation's descendants
to their places of employment
and leisure with a verve and
alacrity which to his progressive mind seemed hugely satisfying. Indeed so enamoured
was Albert of this sight, he
turned and watched for a
number of minutes. This is my
kind of world, he thought. The
decision to be suspended in a
state of 'hypocomatoisation'for
over one hundred and thirty
years had been fulled vindicated. Not only had he been propelled into the future, he had
also managed to rid himself of
the whtny sycophant Vicki;
and all for only the cost of a
stiff leg and the brief period of
disorientation he had suffered
whtlst Madam Zuchero had
laid waste his cognitive senses.
After the joy of the
automative spectacle he had
just experienced, Albert decided to ascend the steps on the
other side of the road and by
such means
he entered
Kensington Park. In front of
him loomed a large rectilinear
mass. "Gosh," exclaimed the
one time Prince Consort, "what
a beautiful structure. I wonder
what It is?"
On Investigation he found
that this wonder of the modern
age was in actual fact the scaffolding under which sat something called
'the Albert
Memorial'. "I pity the ridiculous
figure that old fashioned tower
was built for. The nice plastic
clad scaffolding Is much more
aesthetic" said Albert, to noone in particular. Still he had
an active mind and it did not technology and architecture,
take Albert long to realise the as his involvement with the
unfortunate truth. "Oh golly", 1851 Great Exhibition perexclaimed Albert, "Vicki was haps best demonstrates. If he
more stupid than I thought".
were around today I expect
that Albert would be far more
interested in applications of
IE F R O M T H E P A S T
neural nets, genetic engineerperhaps, but I think
ing, micro-machinery, remote
that there is some truth
sensing, hypersonic planes
behind the conjecture. Prince
and the other buzzwords of
Albert was a man known for
our techno age than preservhis progressive ideas, especialing oddities of the past.
ly with respect to science.
P
10
FELIX
that he would also be a big protagonist for post-modernistic
aesthetics too. Anyone who
spoke against h i s favourite
gallery—the S a i n s b u r y Extens i o n to the N a t i o n a l — w o u l d
receive a summons to an duel
(immediate family included).
But of course the memorial
is not j u s t a theoretical case.
The present refurbishment programme is already well underway. M o r e i m p o r t a n t l y than
mere aesthetical considerations
is the fact that the whole programme is estimated to end up
costing £ 1 4 m i l l i o n , of which
only £5million has so far been
raised. It seems to be an awful
lot of money just to restore the
melancholic whim of an overly
rotund empress.
To put the whole project in
context, the entire modernisation plans for the Royal Albert
Hall,
including rerouting
Kensington Gore underground
and moving the main entrance
round to the Albert Steps, will
cost a similar amount, £14million. However, in the case of the
latter, people will actually benefit from money spent.
It's ironic, too that many of
the r e p a i r s to the M e m o r i a l
result from the original decision
favouring form over function. In
particular the ornate lead work
was carried out by Skldmore; a
craftsman noted for his decorative internal work. Alas, he didn't understand the principles of
thermal expansion, and i n time
this resulted i n massive cracking of the lead cladding the cast
iron upper sections of the structure. So now we're spending our
money trying to repair the mistakes of the past.
The sentiment expressed by
P a t r i c k D e u c h a r , the R A H ' s
chief executive, are pertinent to
our dilemma; "I think it [Albert
Memorial) has to be a symbol
Still you might think it a bit
for the future. It cannot be just a
of a leap for Albert to disclaim
memorial for the past".
the form of his own memorial in
Perhaps we would be better
favour of the functional beauty
off leaving the Memorial to slowof the so-called "big square conly fragment under the s h a r p
dom". Yet there are reasons for
such subjecture. F o r one, i t ' s expanse of the scaffolding. It
would certainly be an approprithe largest self supporting scafate metaphor for the decaying
fold in the world—a technologicore o f V i c t o r i a n i s m s w h i c h
cal record that I'm sure Albert
w o u l d be chuffed about. A s a seem to constrain our modern
society. Today, Albert would be
man who l e d h i s contempoway ahead of us.
raries from the front, I think
22ND
MARCH,
M C M X C V
A
COAGULATION OF MANY
VARIED THOUGHTS ON
AND
T.
THE
BAVISTER
L
MORALITIES OF MECHANISATION.
MR.
CORNELIUS C . COLLCUTT, WELL KNOWN ABOUT THE
PARLOURS OF
LONDON, ATTENDED A CONFERENCE CONCERNING SCIENTIFIC PRACTICES.
HE WILL NOW CONJURE UP THE SCENE BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES.
I
and
N
T H E S E D A Y S O F intel-
lectual vitality it is not
u n c o m m o n for colleagues,
other
gentlemen
of
esteem, to inadvertently fail to
c o n s i d e r the i m p l i c a t i o n s of
their research. S u c h a failing,
in
t h e f i e l d s of S c i e n c e a n d
T e c h n o l o g y , b e c o m e s of dire
importance where the uses of
these m o d e r n d e v e l o p m e n t s
are
concerned.
For
those of us i n the
vestibule of the human vivarium
the
"CONFERENCE
PHILOSOPHY
SCIENCE",
ON
AND ETHICS
held
at
THE
OF
Imperial
College l a s t S a t u r d a y 18th
M a r c h , was a great o c c a s i o n
upon which to investigate the
thoughts of erudite scholars of
our time. This unique and pertracted gathering attempted to
draw some attention to the hitherto ignored ethical issues of
interventionism, as well as the
p h e n o m e n o n of science as a
religion. With reference to the
former, a pertinent example was
c i t e d by P R O F E S S O R J O S E P H
WEIZENBAUM—an
American
Gentleman—who stated that
when feigning the possession of
a firearm in his home, and upon
being confronted by a friend, he
would retort: "the tool is kept,
quite empty of bullets, purely
for the purpose of hammering
nails into walls"! The anecdote
served to debunk the quixotic
claims made by technologists
who,
in their ignorance, pursue
s u c h c r e a t i o ns f o r s a k i n g a l l
uses bar those which are innocently intended. Yet the destructive capability of many of these
artifacts is quite plain (Those
who read the papers on Monday
will undoubtedly be aware of a
very real scenario substantiating
this argument). P R O F E S S O R
W E I Z E N B A U M hastened to point
out that he d i d n o t w i s h to
p r e a c h s l o g a n s . He s i m p l y
d e m a n d e d these m e n a n d
women pay heed to their judgements, think of their decisions
and take responsibility for their
actions.
It soon became clear that
this question of moral responsibility underlies the conference
at its foundation. M R . S. ISHTIAQ
(one of the organisers) stressed
the importance of "considering
the ramifications when u s i n g
new (and old) technology". He
h e l d that too m a n y students
emerge from respected establishments ignorant of these fundamentally important issues.
F r o m the U n i v e r s i t y of
C a m b r i d g e the d i s t i n g u i s h e d
PROFESSOR
HESSE,
Although few conclusions
were a r r i v e d at i n any grand
sense, much vigour and energy
was displayed during the group
discussion sessions, i n which
people alternately aired their
views on the topics of the day.
MR.
J . JORDAN (also responsible
for the day's organisation, and
artist of the acclaimed poster)
described these as "stimulating
and informative". Many applauded the discussion gatherings, p r o c l a i m i n g them to be
invaluable in such a debate, not
to mention "a jolly good idea"!
READERS KEEN TO FURTHER PURSUE THE
These are words of highly satisfied consumer of our services:
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an
accomplished woman and once
a student of Imperial College,
graced the audience with her
wisdom and insight i n ten precise p o i n t s . S t r i k i n g a s t a r k
contrast between science and
religion PROFESSOR
HESSE
explained the incongruency of
these two d i s t i n c t entities i n
their sociological setting.
'Scientistic dehumanisation
l e a ds to the d i m i n u t i o n of
human beings in the framework
of the universe', she proclaimed.
Following with the idea that 'scientific ideology regards "evil" as
a problem as opposed to a deep
incomprehensible entity'. These
observations felt refreshingly
humanising i n an atmosphere
normally bent on rationalisation
of our existence to a platitude.
Concluding with IMMANUEL
K A N T ' S three q u e s t i o n s . P R O FESSOR H E S S E stated that science
could not hope to answer these
points, yet religion can deliver a
solution to all three: What can
we know? What should we do?
What can we hope for?
THIS ARTICLE ARE URGED TOWARDS THE
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BAKER STREET, LONDON
"Have them as a Frenchman would."
H U M A N R E A S O N . — M R . JOSEPH WEIZENBAUM
BIOLOGY AS I D E O L O G Y . — M R . RICHARD C . LEWONTIN
22ND M A R C H ,
M C M X C V
FELIX
11
FOLLOWING, HENCE IS AN IMAGINATIVE TALE FEATURING THE MOVEMENT KNOWN NOW AS SCIENCE.
BEWARE THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO MEDDLE IN THE WAYS OF NATURE AS THEY AND OTHERS MAY FACE HER
NOT INSIGNIFICANT WRATH! READ ON, THOSE OF STOUT CONSTITUTION, BUT FIRSTLY GATHER YOUR WITS;
L A Z A R U S , TWICE.
A T A L E O F C O N S I D E R A B L E H O R R O R A N D PITIABLE W O E .
B Y M R .
JEREMY THOMSON: T H E
P O E T PRINTER OF PRINCES
GARDENS".
Those in our audience with weak hearts or bowels of an indecisive fluttering nature are
advised in the strongest p o s s i b l e t e r m s that this article WILL disturb and may cause
AGITITATION, ILLNESS AND DEATH!
I
T WAS L A T E A N D A
cold mist formed halos
around the sparse street
lamps' weak flame on the dirty
Soho passage. A n oppressive
stillness
clung
to the
ramshackle dwellings, whose
overhang prevented even the
pallid moon from piercing into
the gloom where a low plain
door could barely be observed.
Footsteps sounded, their
timbre deadened by the dank
lane, a key scratched briefly,
and a dark figure disappeared
through the door.
The figure proceeded along
the dingy h a l l w a y , h i s o d d l y
disconcerting frame matching
the houses' mean dimensions.
He passed into a s m a l l r o o m ,
where u p o n t u r n i n g u p the
lantern only an old iron bed and
a low table were revealed from
the gloom. The table was strewn
with various dirty rusted
instruments and dusty bottles,
somehow disturbing to behold.
However, the table proved the
better object on which to dwell,
as the occupant of the bed was
fit to strike fear into the heart of
the m o s t t h i c k s k i n n e d of
fellows. Y e l l o w sheets h u n g
l i m p l y about h i s t h i n pale
person. H i s s k i n was dry a n d
grey a n d h i s eyes, w h e n he
slowly opened them, seemed
queerly dead.
The sinister visitor began to
confer w i t h the r e c u m b e n t
patient, r e f e r r i n g to h i m
formally, yet with a somewhat
repellent obsequious tone, as Mr
Lazarus Bartholomew. Their
intercourse ended shortly and,
w r a p p i n g the ailing m a n i n a
large cape, they p r o c e e d e d
falteringly out of the premises.
We find ourselves in a large dark
room, a laboratory of sorts. The
benches are c o v e r e d w i t h a
s i n i s t e r a s s o r t m e n t of v i a l s ,
12
observes, it understands. Alive—
yet w i t h o u t senses. Its ideas
seem f l u i d a n d i t s m e m o r i e s
w h o l l y accessible as i f some
great wall has gone.
Time passes and the mind
sorts, c o n s i d e r s . Ideas once
d i f f i c u lt to b e h o l d a r e n o w
simple matters. Solutions to the
most convoluted problems are
unfolding easily. It is a wonder
to behold as the presence sifts
a n d analyses the stuff of
academics, progressively arri v i n g at m o r e a n d m o r e
conclusions. Elusive science falls
with methodical consideration,
p h i l o s o p h i c a l d i l e m m a s , the
stuff that d i d dog o u r finest
thinkers, are solved. Like the
As we d w e l l u p o n t h i s sand timer, doubt and confusion
formidable tableau, the activity pass to order and truth.
Time passes, seemingly i n
of the s a i d men increases, as
does the eerie drone from the great waves. The m i n d , as its
machine. They talk excitedly, yet knowledge approaches totally, is
in stifled tones. There is more slowing. Once a huge river, the
and more s o u n d , c l a n k s a n d i n f o r m a t i o n now t r i c k l e s o n ,
whirring of unseen gears. The little left to contemplate. T h e
channels that were so very alive
m e c h a n i s m s are g a i n i n g an
are winding down, quietening. A
urgent presence, there is an odd
s e n s a t i o n that the t h i n g i s heavy, d u l l sense of loss a n d
becoming alive, that thoughts finality can be felt. The weight of
race t h r o u g h i t s c o m p l e x this sadness is growing, bending
the m e d i u m w i t h i t s sheer
workings.
These events seem
to skimbles. The forces are great
a p p r o a c h a c r e s c e n d o as we and some system is giving way.
behold the monstrous device, T h o u g h t s are b r o k e n a n d
memories disappear, and i n the
p e r c e i v i n g i t s very w o r k i n g ,
centre of it all is the o l d , o l d
moving somehow on to a plane
with its purpose—we look inside consciousness. With great mass,
it is pulling itself down, seempursuing its meaning...
ingly initiating its own demise.
At first there is too much, The web falls and the glorious
a r c h i t e c t u r e of the a m a s s e d
vast light yet seen without eyes.
In a sensory cacophony patterns knowledge is lost.
form. Intricate webs spread as
t e n d r i l s of logic a n d r e a s o n
In the l a b o r a t o r y the m e n
proliferate. The void is becoming hurried about, as before. Little
o r d e r e d , d i v i d e d . A m i n d i s had changed and it was as if the
emerging. Its thoughts grow and intervening time had not passed,
collect and as we observe, the or perchance had passed with
mind is becoming as conscious great speed. Suddenly, a ghastly
as you or I.
c r a s h i n g emanated from the
The identity is complete. It machine. Smoke filled the air in
boxes, mechanisms a n d implements. The room is dominated
by a huge, complex device from
which a rough humming is
emanating. Several men, technicians we assume, are gathered
about i t , a d j u s t i n g i t w i t h
intricate tools and taking figures
f r o m i t s gauges. F r o m t h i s
awesome engine p r o t r u d e s a
thick bundle of pipes, cables
and wires. It passes across the
floor to a corner, where o n a
raised platform a body lies. It is
the very same man as previously
observed the on the iron bed!
Only more fearsome far; he is
d e a d , a n d to i n t o h i s h e a d
p a s s e s the a f o r e m e n t i o n e d
cables.
FELIX
grey p l u m e s a n d the engine
desisted to a likely terminal halt.
The technicians, once settled,
gathed together. In their manner
was a great sense of sadness.
They talked in muted voices and
had an air of failure about their
persons. They went about the
room, disengaging various
switches and controls and, after
retrieving their coats, ascended
a small stair leading away. The
key scratched i n the lock, and
was cast under the door. The
m e n p a s s e d i n t o the street
above. They exchanged b r i e f
farewells, and before departing
into the fog conferred together to
conclude; yet another failure—
no further work on mechanical
minds—no hope of success.
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WRATHCHILD AND MR. MICHEAL
MADMAN. FOR ONE WEEK ONLY.
PERFORMANCES START 6PM & 8PM,
22ND MARCH,
M C M X C V
THE GHOSTS OF FUTURES PAST.
MR. GARETH EVANS AND MISS REBECCA MILEHAM INFORM US AS TO
THE PROGRESS IN THE PORTRAYAL OF COMPUTING DEVICES IN CINEMATIC
AND TELEVISUAL PRODUCTION IN THE PRECEDING THIRTY YEARS.
AN ENGAGING AND EXQUISITELY CRAFTED EXAMPLE OF FEATURE WRITING.
H
i there! I'm E d d i e your
shipboard computer,
and I k n o w I'm going
to get a bundle of k i c k s out of
any p r o g r a m m e y o u care to
run through me!"
Fictional computers of all
types and temperament have
been a staple of "futuristic" film
and television since the 60's.
E d d i e , a b o a r d the s t a r s h i p
H e a r t of G o l d , a n d Deep
Thought, who c a l c u l a t e d the
answer to Life, the Universe and
Everything in The Hitch-Hiker's
Guide to the Galaxy, were both
computers with personality.
HAL 9000, the computer that
refused to die in 2001: A Space
Odyssey, had feelings. Holly,
the p o k e r - f a c e d Red Dwarf
computer, once wore a toupee
when he thought he was going to
meet some girls: a computer trying to have attitude.
In the last thirty years, reallife computers have been miniat u r i s e d and m a s s - m a r k e t e d :
computer literacy is taken for
granted. The computers of T V
and f i l m have also changed,
nowhere more than in the ways
characters communicate with
t h e m . In the 6 0 ' s t e l e v i s i o n
series and film Batman (directe d by L e s l i e H . M a r t i n s o n ) ,
Batman and Robin would return
to the B a t C a v e f r o m a h a r d
day's crimefighting and start
pressing unlabelled buttons and
turning unlabelled dials on the
BatComputer.
The BatComputer (or possibly the BatAnalyser or even the
BatRadar) would clunk and
w h i r r for a while, flashing its
multicoloured lights. After a few
moments it w o u l d s p i t out a
piece of tickertape, telling the
Dynamic Duo which of Gotham
City's public buildings the current villain was about to rob—
without ever revealing to the
audience
what
data
the
BatComputer had been given.
Thirty years later i n T i m
Burton's Batman, things were
very different. The cave beneath
Bruce Wayne's stately manor no
22ND MARCH,
M C M X C V
longer h a d a B a t A n a l y s e r ,
BatRadar, BatWater-Supply or
B a t P o l e s . There between the
parking space for the car and
the cupboard for The Batman's
costume, was a large, impressive c o m p u t e r . U n l i k e the
BatComputer in Martinson's
film, though, this computer had
a k e y b o a r d a n d sc r e e n, a n d
although it was obviously more
advanced than anything available at D i x o n s , The B a t m a n
communicated with this computer by typing and reading,
just as in real life.
Comparing these two incarnations of the BatComputer is
perhaps not entirely fair, since
the first was intended to be very
tongue-in-cheek, whereas the
second was much more serious,
with no attempt at continuity
with the first. The underlying
change, though, is clear. The
clunking, whirring, light flashing
m a c h i n e wh o s e o n l y o u t p u t
mechanism was miles of tickertape matched the public's perception of real computers in the
60's, but portrayed something
much more flashy than the reality. The 90's batcomputer with a
keyboard and VDU m a r k e d a
strong shift towards realism.
The same shift showed up
in the 60's series Star Trek and
its 90's sequel, Star Trek: The
Next Generation.
The
original
Star Trek computer was never
seen, but there was always a
microphone close by, usually set
into a wall or console, through
w h i c h crew m e m b e r s w o u l d
speak to the computer. Captain
K i r k would say "Computer...",
and a mechanical-sounding
female voice w o u l d a n s w e r ,
either giving h i m the information he had asked for, or telling
him that his order was being
carried out. Voice recognition,
only inching towards reality in
the 90's, was a thoroughly futur-
istic idea in the 60's. The notion
that several conversations could
be carried out simultaneously
put the computer even further
into the future.
In The Next Generation,
set
a century later, the computer is
used quite differently. Almost
the only time the crew communicate with it by speech is to
retrieve i n f o r m a t i o n from
Starfleet records, and then they
do so i n a very f o r m a l way,
which could be seen as a logical
development of the data manipulation languages we use today.
If there were an emergency i n
the engine room, Captain Picard
w o u l d be l e ss l i k e l y to say
"Computer, isolate the dilythium crystal chamber" than to
give the same order to his chief
engineer, who would go to a diag r a m of the E n t e r p r i s e a n d
touch certain parts of the diagram with a stylus, isolating the
chamber.
This is more realistic than
f u t u r i s t i c . T h e use of s u c h
"touch screen" technology and
graphics tablets is already common today. Thus, the method of
communication with the computer in The Next Generation
0
FELIX
is
a c t u a l l y less t e c h n o l o g i c a l l y
a d v a n c e d t h a n that i n S t a r
Trek, thirty years older.
As computers have become
cheaper and more widespread,
a more accurate idea of their
powers and fundamental limitations has filtered into the public
psyche. This has been matched
by a shift i n the p o r t r a y a l of
computers by the media, away
from the great idealism of the
60's to a situation of unimaginative realism, where film-makers
seem to shy away from breaking
new ground.
Many more of the dreams
foretold by 60's sci-fi will come
true in the next few years, and
computers will soon be able to
reply to our frustrated screaming and swearing. Often, though,
they may have to echo H A L ' s
famous words: "I don't think I
can do that, Dave".
13
F E L I X PROUDLY PRESENTS T H E EASTER
GUIDE TO CHOCOLATE.
M R . M A R K L . T . B A K E R PROVIDES A N INVALUABLE G U I D E T O T H E PURCHASE A N D CONSUMPTION O F
A L L COCOA D E R I V E D PRODUCTS.
The Production And Morals Of Chocolate.
The Great FELIX Easter Egg Tasting Test.
C
T
H O C O L A T E IS M A D E
from
cocoa
beans,
w h i c h at first grew i n
Central and South America,
but now grow i n wet, tropical
lowland areas a l l over the
world. Chocolate is made from
sugar, chocolate liquor, cocoa
butter a n d milk. Once the
i n g r e d i e n t s are b l e n d e d t h e
m i x t u r e is c o n c h e d — m i x e d
t h o r o u g h l y at h i g h t e m p e r a ture with a blast of fresh air
played u p o n it. T h e final stage
is t e m p e r i n g — c a r e f u l l y heated, stirred a n d c o o l e d before
it is cast into bars. Cooling is
very important as cocoa butter
can crystallise into any one of
six forms, a n d o n l y o n e is
right for chocolate.
Central American Indians
made a d r i n k out of c o c o a
beans, chili, nutmeg, honey, cinnamon and vanilla pods hund r e d s of years ago. T h e
S p a n i a r d s a d d e d sugar a n d
brought d r i n k i n g chocolate to
E u r o p e ; it f i r s t a r r i v e d i n
Britain in 1650.
J o h n Cadbury was one of
the first people to start making
eating chocolate i n 1831. M i l k
chocolate was invented by Dr
Hans Sloan, an English scientist, a n d was f i r s t m a d e i n
1949. Cadbury's received the
Royal A p p o i n t m e n t to Queen
Victoria in 1853.
The Cadbury family led the
i n d u s t r y i n c a r i n g for t h e i r
workforce; John Cadbury campaigned for the rights of the
poor, and even set up chimney
sweeps using machines instead
of young boys to demonstrate
that the boys were being unnecessarily exploited. It is all the
more ironic that the chocolate
industry now deprives many in
' t h i r d w o r l d ' c o u n t r i e s of a
proper income. This happens
because the chocolate producers buy cheap beans from whoever will sell to them, thus forcing the price down and encouraging farmers to grow nothing
but cocoa trees—this can mean
they do not even have the space
to grow food for themselves, but
are solely dependant on sales of
cocoa. Nestle, for example, is
b o y c o t t e d by m a n y p e o p l e
because of i t ' s t r e a t m e n t of
cocoa p r o d u c e r s . Nestle has
also been criticised for it's poli-
14
cy of giving free artificial milk to
mothers i n 'third world' countries, which often leads to disease (as the powdered milk is
more easily contaminated than
breast milk) and poverty (as the
artificial milk is very costly).
However, for those of you
who like to eat chocolate and
feel the warm glow of righteousness at the same time, you can
now buy fairly traded chocolate
from (amongst others) Tradecraft. The chocolate bars, called
Mascao chocolate, come in four
varieties and cost from £ 3 . 3 0
for three lOOg bars. The cocoa
used comes from a co-operative
in Brazil, and the sugar comes
(unrefined) from 'small independent farmers in the Philippines'.
The chocolate is Swiss-made,
and rather yummy actually!
Tradecraft work by mail order,
and their address is: Tradecraft
pic, Kingsway, Gateshead, NE11
ONE. They sell a range of fairly
traded foods and clothing.
HIS A N N U A L E V E N T
took
place
on
Wednesday 8 t h M a r c h ,
a n d the eggs l a s t e d o n l y fifteen minutes before being
devoured by the hungry
hordes! E a c h egg r e c i e v e d a
m a r k f r o m 1 to 5 , w i t h 5
being the yummiest. Many
thanks to Mr. T . St. Clair, Mr.
O. B e n n a l l a c k , M r . W. L e e ,
Mr. D. C o he n , Mr. V . Bansal,
Mr. J . T h o m s o n , Miss K . Cox
and Mr. T . Bavister.
Salisbury's Indy 500 Egg
Price in new money: £0.95
Score: 13
"Not recommendable."
"Plainer than plain."
"Rubbery and tasteless."
"This really sticks to the back of
your throat."
"Very nasty."
Overall: Cheap and nasty—buy
it if you are short of cash or for
A u n t i e E t h e l (who can't eat
chocolate).
Items Of Interest
The British & Swiss eat the most
chocolate in the world, 10.4kg per
person per year.
The botanical name for cocoa is
Theobroma cacao. Theobroma is
Greek for 'the food of the gods'.
In Britain 47 Kit Kats are eaten
every second.
Cadbury's will make about 80 million Easter eggs for this year, with
40% of the market. This means
that 200 million Easter eggs are
made worldwide!
The first Easter eggs were produced in 1904.
If you placed all the Crunchie bars
eaten in a year end-to-end they
would stretch from Birmingham to
Bangkok and back.
In 1937 Smarties were first introduced. Today nearly 17,000 are
eaten every day in the UK.
An automated factory production
line can make 3 million Mars bars
each year.
The total weight of the Lion Bars
made in a year is equivalent to
40,000 adult lions.
The Milkybar Kid has been appearing on TV since 1961, making him
34 years old!
On average, £100 a second is
spent on sweets in Great Britain.
FELIX
Cadbury's Mini Creme Eggs
Price in new money: £ 1 . 7 9
Score: 29
"Gorgeous."
"You've gotta be q u i c k if you
want some."
"How do you open these silly
things?"
Overall: Creme eggs are always
lovely—incredibly, the chocolate
egg does taste different from the
Caramel egg!
Bassett's Liquorice Allsorts Egg
Price in new money: £2.55
Score: 30
"Lovely after taste."
"Liquorice after taste."
"Subtle liquoricey after taste."
"Never mind the chocolate, give
me the little bag!"
Overall: One too many... and
you'll realise this is a bit overpriced.
Cadbury's Mini Caramel Eggs
Nestle Quality Street Egg
Price in new money: £1.65
Score: 13
"I want the blue one! Oh drat!"
"Odd after taste."
Overall:
Only
if you're
masochistic and politically
incorrect.
Cadbury's Dairy Milk Buttons Egg
Price in new money: £1.15
Score: 26
"Chocolate outside, chocolate
inside—how about some variety?"
Overall: Good value for chocoholics!
-
Price in new money: £ 1 . 7 9
Score: 32
"Gorgeous."
"Ack! Sweet, sweet, sweet..."
Overall: Yummy, yummy, the
rabbit comes in joint second. A
bit too sweet for some.
Cadbury's Roses Egg
Price in new money: £1.69
Score: 32
"I want the pink one! Darn it..."
Overall: Best value egg on test!
Lindt Swiss Traditional Milk
Chocolate Egg
Price in new money: £4.95
Score: 40
"Too sweet."
"I couldn't eat a whole one—not
all at once, anyway!"
"Supreme."
"Swiss tas tic!"
Overall: The best tasting choccie egg around, but you pay for
it!
22ND MARCH,
M C M X C V
PRESTIDIGITATION
PUZZLES
B e i n g a brain-teaser i n w h i c h one replaces the initial letters
with suitable w o r d s , s u c h that there a p p e a r s a familiar p h r a s ing, h o m i l y , o r p o p u l a r s o n g title or m e a s u r e m e n t . A s a s i m -
L A B Y R I N T H
ple example, "16 O i n the P" w o u l d b e c o m e "16 O u n c e s i n the
P o u n d " . A v o i d c o m p l a c e n c y , for not all are as easy as this...
A p u z z l e to relax a n d c a l m the m i n d , m o s t c o n d u c i v e to
p r o d u c t i v e thought.
26 L of the A
7 W of the W
12 S of the Z
54 C in a P (with J')s
W F at 32 D F
18 H on a G C
90 D in a R A
3 B M, S H T R
4 Q in a G
24 H in a D
T G O D of Y, H H 10000 M
7 DS
57 H V
11 P in a F T
29 D in F in a L Y
76 T in the B P
A T W in 80 D (J V)
D 999 for the E S
10 C
M C signed, 1215
12BMS, 34KATD
3 M in a B
9 L of a C
10 G B S on the W
101 D (D S)
2468WDWA?
W 3 K O O A ...
600 M in the C of the L B
1815 B ofW
147 M B at S
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
L e t time a n d c a r e f u l t h i n k i n g b e y o u r
spool of Cretan thread as y o u
trace a p a t h f r o m o n e
e n t r a n c e to the other.
Our
esteemed c o n t r i b u t o r s prefer to r e m a i n
a n o n y m o u s , s u b m i t t i n g o n l y their elected p s e u d o n y m s :
D O U B L E T S
M e s s r s . C a t f i s h , } {presso a n d H W
A i n t r i g u i n g little device i n v e n t e d b y M r . C h a r l e s D o d g s o n
E s q . , a l e a r n e d m a n w h o s e c o m p l e x fictions are p e r h a p s
CONNECTION TO THE
m o r e f a m o u s t h a n h i m s e l f . P r o c e e d f r o m the first w o r d to
the s e c o n d c h a n g i n g one letter e a c h time, the intervening
w o r d s b e i n g p r o p e r E n g l i s h yet n o t p r o p e r n o u n s !
WAT E R
HEAD
THE NEW
SEED
«WINES
TOES
of Modern Technology.
T R E E
MEAT
ROCK
WOIXDER "®
Fellows all over the City are connecting in their hundreds!
SOFT
Become a pari of this exciting new development.
Documents and papers can be delivered to
any part of the London in a matter of
SAND
HOURS
BONE
ROAD
CORN
using the newly installed pneumatic system.
HARD
See your business lead the field!
HILL
MALT
RAIL
F
|—
t_
1
|
1_
22ND M A R C H ,
DALE
n
{
CONTACT:- MESSRS THOMSON & BENNALLACK
k
of
KNIGHTSBRIDGE, LONDON
| "V^" F E L I X is produced for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publications Board. It is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince
1 / \ Consort Road, London SW7 2BB (Tel: 0171 594 8072, Fax: 0171 589 4942). Editor: Owain Bennallack. Copyright F E L I X 1995. ISSN 1040-0711
M C M X C V
FELIX
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