Welcome to the presentation
“Sources of miscommunication at work”
“Who, me?”
for
American Chamber of Commerce in Vietnam
14 March 2012
Jos Langens
Schouten Vietnam
Jos Langens
• CEO and Trainer of Schouten Vietnam
• Masters in Psychology, University of Utrecht,
the Netherlands
• Worked at ING Bank (Corporate banking and Life Insurance)
and Fortis Bank (SME enterprises)
• Owner / founder of VNR Business Support
Key Facts & Figures
Head office in Zaltbommel
• 1980 start by Jan Schouten
• Turnover > USD 100 million
• > 6.000 customers
• 12 operating companies
• Presence in 14 countries worldwide
• > 600 employees
• Network of 1.800 freelance specialists
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4 basic rules of communication
Basic rules of communication
1. You cannot not communicate
2. All behaviour is communication
3. You never get your message across 100%
4. Communication is: < 30% verbal and > 70 % non-verbal
Sender – Message - Receiver
Communication is the process of
transferring information from one
entity (sender) to another (receiver)
Effective communication is a process where a message is received and understood
by the receiver in the manner that the sender intended it to be.
Sender – Message - Receiver
Miscommunication occurs when the
message is understood in a different
way as the sender it intended to be.
What are these sources of
miscommunication?
Noises in communications
External distractions:
- Traffic noises
- Colleagues entering the room
- You’re observing the
environment
- Your neighbour making a
phone call
- A mosquito in the room
- Defect airco
- Uncomfortable chair
- ...
Internal distractions
- Lack of concentration (e.g.
fantasize, …)
- Listening with prejudice
- Don’t feel well
- Being tired/sleepy (after
lunch..)
- Being worried
- ...
How about our perception?
Our perception
VERBAL (<30%) NON-VERBAL (>70%)
• Selectiveness
: I hear, …
I hear, see, smell,…
• Interpretation
: I think …..
I think ……
• Judgement
: I find …..
I find ……..
• Behavior
: I do …..
I do ……
Our perception
Personal filter : your colored glasses
• Previous experiences
• Norms & values
• Preconceived ideas
• Assumptions
• Halo effect
• …..
Sources of miscommunication:
• External noises
• Internal Noises
• Selective observation
• Different interpretation (thoughts)
• Different judging
• Limited perception
Each message that we send out in fact contains 4
different messages (4 different aspects).
So whenever you “say” something, the question is:
...., “What is it exactly that you are saying?”
4 aspects of communication
1. Your employee tells you: “I called more than
5 suppliers already, but they all didn’t have
the material that you want”
4 aspects of communication
2. Your boss asks you: “are you still busy with
that task?”
3. When you visit your grandmother after a long
time, she says: ”Nice that you’re here
again”.
4 aspects of communication
(the 4 ears model)
4 aspects of communication
• Content (“it”):
What is at stake, the subject, the WHAT of the message, the text
• Appeal (“you”):
What is the underlying question? What is the actual purpose of this
message what does the sender wants to accomplish with the receiver?
• Self disclosure (“I”) :
What does the sender convey or express about him-/herself with these words?
• Relationship (“we”):
What I think does the sender think about the other person and his/her
relation with the receiver?
4 aspects of communication
(what do you intend to say – what does the receiver hear)
“There’s a fly in my soup!”
Content:
“There’s a fly
in my soup”
Self –disclosure:
The Message:
Appeal:
“I am angry!”
“There’s a fly in
my soup”
“Get me a
new soup ”
Relation:
“I’m your
customer”
4 aspects of communication
(different ears - different answers)
“There’s a fly in my soup!”
Self –disclosure:
“I’m very sorry
about this”
Content:
“Yes, I can
see that”
The Message:
“There’s a fly in
my soup”
Relation:
“I will take care
about this”
Appeal:
“I will get you
a new soup”
Miscommunication happens when ....
The challenge is to find out .......
what is the MAIN ASPECT of the message ….
….. and reply on this MAIN ASPECT!
One more example ……
4 aspects of communication
(discovering the real message)
What could be the main message?
Content:
“It’s raining outside”
Self –disclosure:
The Message:
“I am worried that
you will catch a cold”
“It’s raining heavily
outside”
Relation:
“You yourself can’t take
the right decision”
Appeal:
“You should put
on your rain coat ”
4 aspects of communication
(different ears – different answers)
Content:
“I can see that”
Self –disclosure:
“Don’t worry,
I’m used to it”
The Message:
“It’s raining heavily
outside”
Relation:
“I can take care
of myself”
Appeal:
“I’ll put on my
rain coat”
4 aspects of communication
1. Your employee tells you: “I called more than
5 suppliers already, but they all didn’t have
the material that you want
Content
“Just an
update FYI”
“OK, thanks!”
Self-disclosure
“I’m worried that
you will be
disappointed in
me”
Appeal
The Message:
“Don’t worry, I
know it’s not an
easy job to do”
“I called more than 5 suppliers
already, but they all didn’t have
the material that you want”
“I want to be
a good
employee”
“I appreciate
that you inform
me (you’re a
good staff)
Relation
“Can you
help me what
to do?”
“Just keep
on trying”
When things go wrong ……..
4 aspects of communication
2. Your boss asks you: “are you still busy
with that task?”
Content
“Just to check”
“Yes, I still am”
Self-disclosure
“I doubt about
your capability to
solve this”
Appeal
The Message:
“Nobody could
have finish this
task by now”
“Are you still busy with that
task?”
“As a boss I
should check
your progress”
“Yes we are
now in the final
stage”
Relation
“Can’t you
speed it up a
bit ?”
“It will be
finished in
two days
more”
When things go wrong ……..
4 aspects of communication
3. When you visit your grand mother after
a long time she says: ”Nice that you’re
here again”.
Content
“It’s nice that you
are here again”
“Yes, isn’t it?”
Self-disclosure
“I missed you
very much”
Appeal
The Message:
“I missed
you a lot”
“Nice that you’re here again”
“You should
take better
care of your
grandmother”
“I wished I
could do
more”
Relation
“I wished I could
“You should visit visit you more
often if I just
me more often”
weren’t so
busy”
When things go wrong ……..
How to minimize this source of miscommunication?
• Try to be aware of the 4 different aspect in each message.
• Ask yourself the question: “what is the main aspect of this message”?
Try to figure out .......,
........ “what” exactly it is you want to say?”
Learn to listening with 4 ears!
4 aspects of communication
Your staff tells you: “if you want me to finish that work today,
I probably have to work until 11 this evening.”
What do you hear?
Content:
“If … until 11 this
evening”
Self –disclosure:
The Message:
Appeal:
“I feel really bad
about this”
“If you …. have to work
until 11 this evening”
“You have to compensate me for this”
Relation:
“As a boss you can’t ask
me to do this”
4 aspects of communication
When you go to work, your wife asks you: “will you
work late again tonight?”
What do you hear?
Content:
“Will you work late
again tonight?”
Self –disclosure:
The Message:
Appeal:
“I feel so lonely
at night”
“Will you work late
again tonight?”
“Can’t you come
home early tonight?”
Relation:
“You should take better
care of me”
4 aspects of communication
Your staff informs you that “the husband of a
colleague is an alcoholic”.
What do you hear?
Content:
“Chi’s husband is
addicted to drinking”
Self –disclosure:
The Message:
“I am worried
about her”
”Chi’s husband is an
alcoholic”
Relation:
“I want to be your
friend”
Appeal:
“You should
help her”
4 aspects of communication
Miscommunication occurs when you react to the wrong aspect
of the message.....
.... when you listen with your wrong colour ears..........
Dis-functional Interaction Patterns
(behavioral pitfalls)
Pattern 1
“They won’t cooperate”
Theme: Ownership of a problem
Players:
- The boss
- The staff
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Ownership of a problem
Boss:
Staff:
“Can you solve this problem?”
“Yes I can!”
....
....
“Did you manage to solve the problem?”
“No, not yet”
“Why not?”
“Nobody answered the phone”
“What now?”
“I don’t know”
“Why don’t you call some other companies?”
“Oh, OK I will”
......
.......
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Ownership of a problem
Boss:
Staff:
“Did you manage to solve the problem?”
“No not yet”
“Why not?”
“Everyone that I called didn’t have
“What now?”
“I don’t know”
“Can you order it from abroad?”
“Yes I think I can”
......
.......
“Did you manage to solve the problem?”
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Ownership of a problem
Boss:
Staff:
“No not yet”
“Why not?”
“The import tax is too high, we won’t
“What now?”
“I don’t know”
“How about if we would import only
some parts and assemble in Vietnam?”
“Oh, that might be possible, I will check”
......
.......
“Did you manage to solve the problem?”
........ ????
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Theme: Ownership of a problem
Boss (“Can you solve that problem?”)
Staff (“Yes I can”)
Functional pattern
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Theme: Ownership of a problem
Staff (“I don’t know what to do”) (“Can you help me?”)
Boss (“Yes I can”) (“Let me tell you what to do”)
Dis-functional pattern
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Theme: Ownership of a problem
The solution:
When your employer doesn’t know what to do....
........ don’t tell them what to do ...........
....... make sure the goals are clear ........
... help your staff to discover the various options to reach the goals ....
Don’t tell them what to do and how to do it.
Pattern 1:
“They won’t cooperate”
Theme: Ownership of a problem
Boss:
Staff:
“Can you solve this problem?”
“Yes I can!”
....
....
“Did you manage to solve the problem?”
“No, not yet”
“Why not?”
“Nobody answered the phone”
“What now?”
“I don’t know”
“Why don’t you call some other companies?”
Correct reply:
“ What are the other options”
“How can you still reach your goals?
.......
Dis-functional Interaction Patterns
(behavioral pitfalls)
Pattern 2
“I’m just trying to help you”
Theme: Problem Solving
Players:
- The “Victim”
- The “Helper”
Pattern 1:
“I’m just trying to help you”
Theme : Problem solving
“Victim”:
“Helper”:
“My staff never shows any initiative”
“Did you talk with them about it?”
“Yes,I did but it made no difference”
“You should give them more
“I tried that already, but it didn’t work”
“Maybe you can send them to a training”
“I’m not sure if that would help”
“ Well it did in our company”
“Yes, but you’re in Construction,
we are in FMCG”
“Looks like you don’t really want to listen
”You don’t seem to understand the problem”
Pattern 1:
“I’m just trying to help you”
Theme : Problem solving
“Victim”
“Helper”
“Persecutor”
Pattern 1:
“I’m just trying to help you”
Theme : Problem solving
The solution:
When somebody has a problem....
........ don’t give YOUR solutions...........
....... try to help them discover what their OWN solutions are.
Pattern 1:
“I’m just trying to help you”
Theme : Problem solving
“Victim”:
“Helper”:
“My staff never shows any initiative”
“Did you talk with them about it?”
Correct reply:
“Why is that a problem?”
“Well that seems obvious, doesn’t it?”
“Well not really, maybe you could explain
“When we would make use of their ideas we can
have much better solutions for our problems”
staffs’
...........
“You want to make use of your
potential to solve problems in a better
way”? “What could be ways to do this?”
Dis-functional Interaction Patterns
(behavioral pitfalls)
Sometimes you don’t just
“slide” into a dis-functional pattern ……
Sometimes you’re actually
reinforcing it without realizing it!
You’re the actual “cause” that keeps the disfunctional pattern alive.
Dis-functional Interaction Patterns
(behavioral pitfalls)
Pattern 3
“They must become more entrepreneurial”
Theme : Reinforcing the wrong behavior
Players:
- The Manager (and their Consultants)
- The Staff
Pattern 3
“They must become more entrepreneurial”
Theme : Reinforcing the wrong behavior
“We have to change them so that they will show more initiatives.”
“They must realize it’s better for them.”
“The must understand the importance of this”.
“They must follow the program that we designed for this.“
They must….”
“They should …”
“They have to …”
Pattern 3
“They must become more entrepreneurial”
Theme : Reinforcing the wrong behavior
What was the result of all these programs?
Pattern 3
“They must become more entrepreneurial”
Theme : Reinforcing the wrong behavior
Did you actually train your staff to take more initiative?
Which behavior did you reinforce?
Pattern 3
“They must become more entrepreneurial”
Theme : Reinforcing the wrong behavior
“Conclusion”:
In stead of “changing” the behavior, you
are actually reinforcing the behavior that
you want to change.
Who would be the source of THIS
miscommunication?
Dis-functional patterns a source of miscommunication
How to deal with disfunctional patterns:
1. Recognize the patterns:
• Repeating patterns (“deja vu”)
• Your emotions (your underbelly feeling)
• Helicopter view
2. Recognize your own role in the disfunctional
pattern (“who, me?”):
• Establishing the pattern
• Reinforcing the pattern
3. Changing the disfunctional pattern:
• By changing your own behavior (jiu jitsu)
• By openly discussing the pattern with the
involved (process interventions)
people
Sources of miscommunications
(summary)
Individual differences in perception
• Selectiveness
• Interpretation
• Judgement
Listening with 4 ears
• Finding out what the real message is (main aspect)
Disfunctional patterns
• How we start them
• How we reinforce them
• How to prevent them or correct them
Sources of miscommunications
Conclusion:
What are the 3 main sources of miscommunications?
• Me
• I
• Myself
Good luck in your career and private life!
Jos Langens
Jos.langens@schoutenvietnam.com
0903 727 059 Mobile
08 – 3914 1234 Tel.
www.schoutenvietnam.com