USSOCOM Care Coalition
EFFECTIVE LISTENING
A good mentor spends a lot of time listening to his or her participant.
The Care Coalition takes great care in assigning mentors to participants
based on similarity of injury or traumatic experience. The focus of the
mentoring relationship is the participant.
Throughout the course of the mentoring relationship there will be a
need for different types of listening, the most common of which are
illustrated in this training module.
The Care Coalition mentor should always use common sense and trust
his or her “gut feeling” when it is appropriate to share his or her
experiences or when it is necessary to just listen.
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Desire to become a better listener
Stop talking
Look at the speaker
Leave your emotions behind
Get rid of distractions
Get the main points
Don’t argue mentally
Listen for what is not said
Avoid jumping to conclusions
Avoid hasty judgments
Recognize your own prejudice
Active Listening
Reflective Listening
Passive Listening
Empathic Listening
Active listening is listening and responding to another person
in such a way that the person feels that they have really been
heard.
The brain works at four times the speed that a person can
speak, so it is important to focus so that the mind doesn’t
wander.
Active listening prevents misunderstandings that can lead to
conflict and frustration.
Active listening helps build trust and respect.
Ask questions. Open-ended questions (How? What? Could? Would?) encourage the
speaker to continue sharing his or her thoughts and feelings. Questions allow the
listener to gain a better understanding of the speaker.
Examples:
- “What you’re saying is that you’re frustrated, is that right?”
-“Tell me more about….”
-“What happened next?”
-“How did that make you feel?”
-“What do you think you’re options are at this point?”
-“What happened before this?”
Empathize. Empathizing validates what the participant is expressing. Empathizing
does not mean the mentor agrees.
Be quiet. Let the participant finish talking. Silence can also give the participant time to
think and encourage him or her to continue.
Reflective listening is a listening technique that allows the
participant to feel heard and understood.
The listener (mentor) reflects back to the speaker
(participant) what the mentor believes the participant has
said. This is done to verify or clarify the mentor’s
understanding and it encourages the participant to
elaborate.
Not only does reflective listening help the mentor better
understand the participant, it also enables the participant
to clarify his or her thoughts.
There are three basic types of reflective listening:
Repeating / Rephrasing: The mentor repeats or rephrases what the participant has said to verify that
he/she understood or to clarify what was said.
Example: The participant, a wounded warrior, says “Sometimes I feel disoriented and dizzy and the
doctors don’t seem to be concerned.” The mentor rephrases by saying “You feel disoriented and
dizzy and the doctors don’t seem to be concerned.”
Paraphrasing: The mentor summarizes what the participant is saying while keeping the meaning intact.
Example: The participant, a wounded warrior’s spouse, says “My parents are returning home next
week and without them watching our kids I don’t know how I’m going to be here at bedside and
care for my kids at the same time.” The mentor paraphrases “You are anxious about your parents
leaving because you won’t have child care to enable you to be at your spouse’s bedside.”
Reflection of Feeling: The mentor emphasizes and reflects the emotional aspects of communication
through feeling statements.
Example: The participant says “I have all these pills that I’m supposed to take and I don’t even know
what they are for. Sometimes I think they don’t actually help me at all and the doctors aren’t
answering my questions.” The mentor reflects “You’re frustrated because you’re unsure what
medications you are taking and you are angry that the doctors aren’t available to answer your
questions.”
Sometimes the participant just needs someone
outside of his or her immediate family to listen to
him or her without passing judgment, offering
advice, or trying to fix things.
In such a case passive listening is an effective way to
allow the participant to comfortably communicate.
In addition, passive listening can enable the mentor
to gain a better understanding of the participant.
No Interruption. Passive listening allows the
participant to speak without interruption.
Focus. The listener is focused completely on what
the participant is saying and not doing anything else
at the same time.
Nonverbal Clues. The mentor should pay attention
not just to the words but also to the tone of voice
and body language of the participant.
The psychology definition of empathy is the process of attending to
another so the individual feels heard in a nonjudgmental way.
When an individual feels understood an enormous emotional burden
is lifted; stress and defensiveness are reduced; and clarity increases.
The mentor motivates the participant to speak without feeling judged.
The listener does not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt.
The mentor permits the participant to direct the conversation.
Use “Dangling” Questions. An incomplete question leaves it up to the
speaker to direct where the conversation goes.
Example: “And your spouse thinks…”
Signal Interest. The listener indicates that he or she wants to know
more.
Examples: “Tell me more”; “Go on”; “Interesting.”
Repetition. Repeating a key word or phrase in the same tone used by
the speaker encourages the participant to elaborate or clarify.
Example: The participant, a wounded warrior, says “The doctors are
saying I won’t be able to participate in sports for six months.” The
mentor repeats, reflecting the speaker’s tone, “Six months.”
When the mentor is actively listening and focused on the
participant the nonverbal clues illustrating the mentor’s
interest should come naturally. However, it is helpful to know
what type of body language signals interest and attentiveness.
The S.O.L.E.R. method illustrates good body language:
Squarely face the person
Open your posture
Lean towards the speaker
Eye contact maintained
Relax while attending