In Friendships
Rawlins’s Six Main Dialectical Tensions
1st Dialectical Tension
 Independent-Dependent
 The tension between wanting freedom to pursue
individual activities & depending on someone for help
and support
nd
2
Dialectical Tension
 Expressive-Protection
 The tension between wanting to disclose personal
information & not disclosing too much for potential
criticism and/or rejection
rd
3
Dialectical Tension
 Judgment-Acceptance
 Being able to accept a friend for who s/he is & feeling
free to offer criticism and advice
th
4
Dialectical Tension
 Affection-Instrumentality
 Whether friends focus more on feelings of warmth or on
instrumental tasks
th
5
Dialectical Tension
 Public-Private
 How the relationship is negotiated in public versus
private
th
6
Dialectic Tension
 Ideal-Real
 What the friendship “ought to be” and what the
relationship “really is”
Baxter’s Dialectics Theory
 “Every relationship experiences ups & downs, no
relationship stays the same from start to finish. The
dialectical perspective captures the dynamic nature of
relationships and describes some of the common tensions,
or ups & downs, that relational partners experience.”
 “We have to juggle our need for dependence with our need
to be independent; wanting to be completely open vs.
wanting to protect ourselves by not revealing everything;
wanting to have a lot in common, but not so much that the
relationship feels boring and predictable.”
3 Major Dialectical tensions:
 Integration-Separation
 Stability-Change
 Expression-Privacy
 Each has both an internal & external manifestation


Internal Manifestation: tensions experienced between
relational partners, including how they communicated with
one another
External Manifestation: tensions between a couple and other
dyads or society, including how the couple present themselves
to others
Integration-Separation: tension b/t
social integration & social division
 Internal Manifestation: Connection-Autonomy
Tension-the desire to be close & the desire to be
independent
 More freedom/don’t smother vs. more
attention/affection
 External Manifestation: Inclusion-Seclusion Tensionthe amount of time partners spend w/ other people in
their social network (inclusion) & the amount of time
they spend doing things only w/ each other (seclusion)
 Couple move to new city for new job following
graduation
Stability-Change: desire to want
security/continuity vs.
excitement/discontinuity
 Internal Manifestation: Predictability-Novelty Tension-
desire some routine/rules and desire some
excitement/spontaneity
 Boredom is one to the top reasons couples give for breaking
up suggesting excitement is vital
 External Manifestation: Conventionality-Uniqueness
Tension-desire to be accepted by society in acceptable ways
& the need to be special
 American dream w/ house, job, & NO Kids
 Celebrate holidays-decorate cactus rather than tree
Expression-Privacy: need to be
heard by others & need to keep
some info private
 Internal Manifestation: Openness-Closedness
Tension-push/pull regarding how much info should be
disclosed to one another
 How much of background/relationships should you
reveal
 External Manifestation: Revelation-Concealment
Tension-what partners tell other people about their
relationship
 Do you tell your best friend about the fight you had w/
partner last night?