FRIENDSHIPS
Nature
Development
Pressures
Guidelines
Nature of Friendships
 Friendship
is voluntary where the people
involved like each other & enjoy each
other’s company.

Willing to invest
 Time
 Effort
 Thoughts
 Feelings
Nature cont.
 Emotional
closeness-intimacy, a state of
“close union, contact, association or
acquaintance”




Physical-hugs, holding, FWB
Dialogue/Intellectual Sharing-women
Emotional-create feelings of closenesswomen
Shared activities/Doing-men
Gender speech community
 Feminine

Focuses on talking & listening to know inner
selves
 Large

Speech Community
& small
Responsive & Supportive
 Nonverbal
for emotional responses &
feedback
 Acceptance
Gender cont.
 Masculine


socialization
Shared activities & doing are primary
emphasis + helping activities
Negotiate activities, common goals, sense
of camaraderie
 Team
sports
 Soldiers

Grow on one another, feelings of
interdependence, appreciation, mutual
liking
Nature cont.
 Acceptance

Unconditional
 Accept

as we change over time
Homosexuals-big dependence on friends
b/c they substitute for families
 Additionally,
computer & internet relied upon
Nature cont.
 Trust


Dependability
Emotional reliability
 Develops



based on
Individual histories
Family scripts
Willingness to take risks
Nature cont.
 Support


Expressing & listening
Availability
 Women-more
verbal support, increase depth
 Men-covert intimacy by grabbing shoulder,
punching arm. More instrumental support by
solving problems, assisting. Diversions
Cultural influences
 Individualistic-
American




Understanding
Respect
Sincerity
Similar in age &
ethnicity
 Collectivism-
Japanese




Togetherness
Trust
Warmth
Similar in age &
ethnicity
Cultural influences cont.
Priorities for
friendships
 European
–
Americans


Sincerity
Freedom to express
 African-Americans


Problem solving
Respect for ethnicity
Priorities for
friendships
 Asian-Americans



Courtesy
Restraint
Respect for families
 Latina/Latinos


Relationship support
Emotional
expressiveness
Exercise-Male & Female
Friends
Development of Friendships
 Role-limited




interaction
Standard social rules
Scripts
Stereotypes
Can be awkward/feelings of uncertainty
Develop Friendships
 Friendly

relations
Each discover common ground/shared
interests
“Harry Met Sally”
Develop Friendships
 Moving




Toward Friendship
Personalizing
Outside contexts
Self-disclosure
Limited disclosure & investment may
stabilize relationship at this stage
Develop Friendship
 Nascent




Friendship
Embryonic
Increased interaction
More self-disclosing/sharing values, feelings,
concerns, interests, etc.
Private rules
Develop Friendships
 Stabilized



Friendship
Continuity
Future interaction taken for granted
Mutual high level of trust
 Interned

discussions are increasingly popular
Relationship rules for regulating interaction
“Swingers”
Last stage-develop friends
 Waning


Friendship
Drift apart
One or more stop investing
 Boring
 Run
natural course
 Pulled apart due to other demands
 Violation of trust

Decreased quantity or quality of
communication
Pressures-Internal Tensions
Relational Dialectics
1st Dialectical Tension
 Independent-Dependent

The tension between wanting freedom to
pursue individual activities & depending on
someone for help and support
2nd Dialectical Tension
 Expressive-Protection

The tension between wanting to disclose
personal information & not disclosing too
much for potential criticism and/or rejection
3rdDialectical Tension
 Judgment-Acceptance

Being able to accept a friend for who s/he
is & feeling free to offer criticism and advice
4thDialectical Tension
 Affection-Instrumentality

Whether friends focus more on feelings of
warmth or on instrumental tasks
5thDialectical Tension
 Public-Private

How the relationship is negotiated in public
versus private
6thDialectic Tension
 Ideal-Real

What the friendship “ought to be” and
what the relationship “really is”
Baxter’s Dialectics Theory

“Every relationship experiences ups & downs, no
relationship stays the same from start to finish. The
dialectical perspective captures the dynamic
nature of relationships and describes some of the
common tensions, or ups & downs, that relational
partners experience.”

“We have to juggle our need for dependence
with our need to be independent; wanting to be
completely open vs. wanting to protect ourselves
by not revealing everything; wanting to have a lot
in common, but not so much that the relationship
feels boring and predictable.”
3 Major Dialectical tensions:
Integration-Separation
Stability-Change
Expression-Privacy
 Each has both an internal & external
manifestation


Internal Manifestation: tensions experienced
between relational partners, including how they
communicated with one another
External Manifestation: tensions between a
couple and other dyads or society, including
how the couple present themselves to others
Integration-Separation: tension b/t
social integration & social division

Internal Manifestation: Connection-Autonomy
Tension-the desire to be close & the desire to
be independent


More freedom/don’t smother vs. more
attention/affection
External Manifestation: Inclusion-Seclusion
Tension-the amount of time partners spend w/
other people in their social network (inclusion)
& the amount of time they spend doing things
only w/ each other (seclusion)

Couple move to new city for new job following
graduation
Stability-Change: desire to want
security/continuity vs.
excitement/discontinuity

Internal Manifestation: Predictability-Novelty
Tension-desire some routine/rules and desire
some excitement/spontaneity


Boredom is one to the top reasons couples give
for breaking up suggesting excitement is vital
External Manifestation: ConventionalityUniqueness Tension-desire to be accepted by
society in acceptable ways & the need to be
special


American dream w/ house, job, & NO Kids
Celebrate holidays-decorate cactus rather than
tree
Expression-Privacy: need to be
heard by others & need to
keep some info private

Internal Manifestation: Open-Closed Tensionpush/pull regarding how much info should be
disclosed to one another


How much of background/relationships should
you reveal
External Manifestation: RevelationConcealment Tension-what partners tell other
people about their relationship

Do you tell your best friend about the fight you
had w/ partner last night?
More internal pressures
 Diverse
Communication Styles
 Sexual Attraction
External Pressures
 Competing
demands
 Personal Changes
 Geographic Distance

Friends of the heart


Friends of the road
Particularly strong liking & shared
history
Maintaining Friendships:
Abide by Friendship Rules
 Show
support
 Seek support
 Respect Privacy
 Keep confidences
 Defend your friends
 Avoid
public
criticism
 Make your friends
happy
 Manage jealousy
 Share humor
 Maintain equity
Final Thoughts
 Engage
in Dual perspective
 Communicate honestly
 Grow from differences
 Don’t sweat the small stuff