CLARITY
Suit the action to the word, the word to the action. William Shakespeare, Hamlet, 3.2
Toward clarity . . .
Consider how we tell stories. Every story needs characters and actions:
1.
Once upon a time, there was Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, the Woodsman, and the Wolf. The End. (Characters,
but where's the action?)
2.
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place, a jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing a
fright. (Action, but where's the characters?)
3.
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf's jump
out from behind a tree occurred, causing fright in Little Red Riding Hood. (Hmm, something is still wrong.)
4.
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree and frightened her.
In version #3, we do not see the main characters in the subjects, nor do we see in the verbs the actions that those characters
are connected with.
Two principles of clear writing (and good story telling):
(1) The subjects of the sentences name the cast of characters.
(2) The verbs that go with those subjects name the crucial actions those characters are part of.
Avoid abstract nouns derived from verbs and adjectives (called nominalizations):
My suggestion is that our definition of the problem have greater precision.
I suggest that we define the problem more precisely.
Rewrite these sentences:
The agreement was broken by the partners.
The police conducted an investigation of the matter.
There has been an affirmative decision for program termination.
Our discussion included a tax cut.
The intention of the committee is the improvement of morale.
An evaluation of the program by us will encourage increases in efficiency in the servicing of clients.
This decision can lead to costly consequences.
*** Try to avoid passive verbs and turning verbs into nouns--nominalizations *** Express actions and conditions in
specific verbs. When appropriate, make the subjects of your verbs characters involved in those actions.
(From Joseph Williams, Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace)
CONCISION
When a Discourse is to be bound down upon Paper, and subjected to the calm leisurely Examination of nice Judgement,
everything that is needless gives offense. Benjamin Franklin. The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so
that the necessary may speak. Hans Hoffman
Wordiness - Compress what you mean into the fewest possible words.
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Redundant pairs - full and complete, any and all, various and sundry, willing and able, true and accurate
Redundant modifiers - completely finish, future plans, true facts, personal beliefs, free gift, sudden crisis, consensus of
opinion, past history, basic fundamentals, close proximity, totally unique.
Redundant categories During that period of time, the mucous membrane area became pink in color and shiny in appearance.
During that time, the mucous membrane became pink and shiny.
Meaningless modifiers - kind of, really, basically, definitely, practically, given, various, relatively, quite . . .
For all intents and purposes, American industrial productivity generally depends on certain factors that are really
more psychological in kind than of any given technological aspect.
Excessive detail - A microwave oven that you buy in a department store uses less energy that is so expensive than a
conventional oven that uses gas. Microwave ovens use less energy than gas.
Pomposity - You must endeavor to facilitate their cognizance of the deleterious result of excessive sesquipedalianism
(sès´kwî-pî-dâl¹yen-ism).
Excessive metadiscourse - It is almost certainly the case that, for the most part, totalitarian systems cannot allow a
society to settle into what we would perceive to be stable modes of behavior or, even more crucially perhaps, stable
relationships. Totalitarian systems cannot allow a society to settle into stable behavior or stable relationships. I was
concerned with, I have attempted to. . . Unless your subject is the way you arrived at your observations or conclusions.
Delete words that mean little or nothing.
Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words.
Delete words whose meaning a reader can infer.
Replace a phrase with a word.
Change negatives to affirmatives.
Write in the affirmative.
(as passive)
(as active)
(as affirmative)
Disengagement of gears is not possible without locking the mechanism.
You cannot disengage gears if you do not lock the mechanism.
To disengage gears, first lock the mechanism.
Revise these sentences:
1.
If and when we can define and establish our final aims and goals, each and every member of our group will be ready and
willing to offer aid and assistance.
2.
In today’s modern world, official government red tape is seriously destroying initiative among businesses.
3.
In the area of educational activities, tight financial conditions are forcing school board members to cut back in
nonessential areas in a drastic manner.
4.
Most students generally find some kind of summer work.
5.
On the other hand, however, we can perhaps point out that it appears that there may always be TV programming that
may appeal to what can be considered our most prurient and, therefore, lowest interests.
6.
There is no reason not to believe that engineering malfunctions in nuclear energy systems cannot always be anticipated.
7.
Do not discontinue medication unless symptoms of dizziness and nausea alleviate within six hours.