The Garden Party
Exemplar B: Achieved
We are keen to expand the range of exemplars for this unit to reflect the diversity of
achievement. If any of your students produce work in response to this unit which you
feel would provide a useful exemplar, we would be very grateful if you would be
prepared to share it here. We are particularly interested in work just on either side of
achieved/not achieved. Please contact the project director.
Achievement Standard 90376 version 2
Produce crafted and developed formal transactional writing.
Describe an important character in a text you have studied and
* say why the character is important.
OR
 say how we learn about that character.
Deeper features:
Performance criteria
assessing:
* ideas
* crafting
* structure
Ideas are developed and
supported:
A number of
straightforward points are
made about William
Wallace and why he is
important. Support
provided is just sufficient.
Just meets the standard for
the ideas criterion
[borderline].
Text: William Wallace in
Braveheart
Director: Mel Gibson
Describe an important
character in a text you
have studied and say why
that character is important.
Surface features:
Performance criterion
assessing conventions:
* spelling
* punctuation
* grammar
NB: achievement level for
William Wallace is an
the conventions criterion
important character in the
of the formal writing
film Braveheart, directed
achievement standard
by Mel Gibson. William is 90376: "use writing
a Scottish man living in
conventions accurately" is
the thirteenth century in a
identical to Pc 1.4 of unit
small village who becomes standard 8825 Produce
a great leader and very
transactional written text
important for his country.
in complex forms: "writing
He is important because of is at publication standard."
his personal qualities,
Writing conventions
ability as a warrior and his [grammar, punctuation and
political importance.
spelling] are used
sufficiently accurately.
William is important
There are some minor
because he is peace loving, grammatical errors, but the
intelligent, loyal,
error pattern is acceptable.
passionate, courageous and *[see note at end of
brave. First, he is peace
exemplar]
loving when he goes back
to his village and he says
Meets the standard for the
"I am back home to raise
conventions criterion.
crops and God willing, a
family. If I can live in
peace, I will." We are also
shown that he is intelligent
and that he loves peace
and wants to use other
ways to solve problems
when he wins a stone
throwing contest with
Hamish by choosing a
smaller stone. He tells
Hamish "before you use
weapons, use your brain
first." When his wife is
killed, it is a turning point
for William. He tells the
Scottish people that there
is no turning back.
William uses his head
before his sword which is
how the Scots won most of
their fights against the
English. He shows his
intelligence in the scene in
the forest, where he looks
at the tall trees and creates
long poles which shows he
is a good tactician.
Writing is sufficiently
crafted: reasonably clear
expression and appropriate
language use.
Diction is just adequate.
Some variety of syntax,
although crafting could be
improved in places.
Eg: Use of run on
sentences: "William is
shown as a skilled fighter,
he is always in the middle
of the battle."
Just meets the standard for
the crafting criterion
[borderline].
William is shown as a
skilled fighter, he is
always in the middle of the
battle. Also, he is an
inspirational leader.
Without him, the Scottish
army would have given up
in the battles.This is shown
in the Battle of Stirling
Bridge. William leads his
army and they have an
unexpected victory against
the English. These skills
are all important because
they have a big effect on
the Scottish people around
him. All the Scottish
soldiers follow him and
are willing to die for him
because he fights with the
soldiers, he doesn't just
stand in the back line and
give orders like the
English leaders do.
William leads by example.
He does not ask his
soldiers to do anything he
would not do himself.
When he sees Edward
Longshanks leave the
battlefield, he goes to kill
him by himself. William's
qualities as a leader are
important because they
inspire the Scottish to
become a threat to the
English and to be
determined.
Writing is structured:
* an introduction
* three structured
paragraphs, each dealing
with why William Wallace
is important
* a conclusion
Meets the standard for the
structure criterion.
The director also shows us
William's political
importance in the film.
William Wallace is
important for Scotland. He
is a hero because he never
stops fighting for his
country's freedom.
Because of William,
Scotland eventually
became independent of
England. He is important
because without him the
rebellion would have
failed. He rallies the
soldiers who are going
home and inspires the
whole army at Stirling
Bridge. The troops follow
William and he also
influences the Scottish
lord, Robert the Bruce, to
lead the people and fight
the British. When William
shouts "freedom" as his
final words at his
execution, this influences
Robert the Bruce to lead
the people after William's
death.
The film Braveheart shows
that William Wallace is an
important character who
frees his country. He is
important because the
director uses him to give
the idea of the film which
is that freedom is more
important than anything
and I agree with that too.
This film shows how one
country can be changed by
one man, which makes
William Wallace very
important.
* Writing conventions must be used accurately.
Assessment of this criterion should not be based on a counting or ranking of errors.
Several combinations of reasons may result in a piece not meeting the standard. Some
random errors are acceptable. Repeated or significant error patterns in syntax [eg:
sentence fragments - where structures are not used intentionally; and 'run on' syntax];
or other patterns of significant error [eg: mixed tense sequences; punctuation or
spelling errors] will result in writing that does not meet the standard for this criterion.