Higher English Folio of Writing
Exemplification – August 2011
NB Each of the following examples was submitted to SQA with a signed declaration that it was the
candidate’s own work and it is reproduced here in good faith. Any infringement of copyright should
be reported to SQA.
Example 1 – “Home” – Imaginative (Short Story)
Commentary
The story explores the mental anguish of a soldier, Craig, who has recently returned home from
Afghanistan, where a close comrade has been killed. The narrative point of view changes
frequently: from a dream recalled in the present tense, to a first person narrative in the present, to
the voice of the fiancée, to a third person account of his move from bedroom to living room, to a
first person past tense account of the death of his friend, and then alternates between the voices of
Chris and his fiancée. Such an approach has its merits (it could be seen as a reflection of Chris’s
disorientation), but it is probably too much for two and a half pages.
The story has other merits, such as the detail of the lorry splashing the “broken pavement”, and the
two happy men who contrast with Chris. The tense relationship between Chris and his fiancée is
effectively suggested
The change of outlook brought on by the sight of the scan does bring the story to a definite and
optimistic conclusion, but it seems out of harmony with the rest of the narrative.
All of the above indicates a piece which would pass without any difficulty, at the upper end of
Category IV or even the lower end of Category III.
However there are weaknesses (some minor, one major) which detract from the overall impact.
Some of the wording is infelicitous: “twinkle against my skin”, “I won’t go to his aid tonight”, “he
refuses profusely”. The fiancée’s voice is generally unconvincing. There has been some careless
editing: “Hand signals point me in direction to a place” and “tortures himself to hearing of”. Errors
such as these should have been picked up at proofreading.
In addition there is a serious problem with basic punctuation. Even allowing for a degree of
looseness in this type of first person narrative, the dozen or so occasions when a comma is used
instead of a full stop mean that the criterion of “consistent accuracy” has not been met and the
piece cannot pass.
Category:
V
Mark:
11
Example 2 – untitled – Imaginative (Short Story)
Commentary:
This story, set in the trenches of WW1, focuses on a young soldier, Will, his conflict with another
soldier, Arthur, and his relationship with an older, protective soldier, James.
There is some attempt, especially at the beginning and end, to establish mood, but it is rather
laboured. The characterisation of the three men is clear, but fairly crudely executed (“the arrogant
boy”, “very well respected among all the men in the trenches” – classic examples of “telling” not
“showing”).
There is a conscious build up to the conclusion and Will’s decision to reject James’s offer and go
over the top himself, but what we know of the character so far makes it far from believable.
Having chosen to set his story in WW1, the candidate might have been expected not to include so
many improbable/impossible details, eg a General with an office at the Front, a General personally
issuing orders to a private soldier, the notion of fifteen men going over the top at dawn, the wellstocked supply depot from which fresh boots are available on demand. The inclusion of these
implausible details could have been avoided by doing some research. Candidates who choose a
particular historical or geographical setting would be well advised to ensure that they have some
knowledge of that setting.
Apart from two comma splices near the end, the writing is mostly competent, and there is some
attempt to exploit language (“He gazed into the dark abyss that was the sky”) but it is rarely
impressive. It is overdone in places (“… the muddy, slippery, horrifying trench.”) and occasionally
quite clumsy (“Even Arthur was starting to look a bit down”).
Overall, the story depends on a very improbable scenario, but shows enough grasp of the form and
enough competence in the writing to achieve Category IV.
Category:
IV
Mark:
13
Example 3 – “Alone in the Cells” – Imaginative (Short Story)
Commentary:
This short story is based on the narrator’s first day in jail, with a lengthy flashback to narrate the
reasons for his being there. There is a reasonable structure, some attempt at characterisation, and
on occasion language is used for impact. The main weakness is in plotting.
The first paragraph is promising – especially the last sentence. The description of the cell which
follows is a bit more stereotyped – with the “cold concrete platform” and the “thin striped mattress”.
Characterisation of the brother at the start of the flashback is fairly well done. The incident in the
alley is quite well-imagined, although seeing two men “out of the corner of his right eye” is
problematical as is the fact that he seems to be party to the details of the quarrel even at a
distance. The details of the murder are quite graphic, but his conviction thereafter is hugely
unbelievable.
His return to the present is marked by the clanging of a cell door, and his further realisation of his
vulnerable state. The last two paragraphs emphasise his fear of the other prisoners which he has
identified in the first paragraph as the most worrying feature of his imprisonment. Reference to
“criminals staring ... from their cages” is picked up in “I felt like I was in a gladiator arena” and “the
deadliest men in the state”
The language level of the first paragraph is not sustained. Some hackneyed phrases appear “I felt
a shiver down my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up”, “My heart was beating
faster and faster...”, “Thumping my head against the cold solid rock...”
The writing is technically correct, but the narrative itself is flawed because of the unlikely turn of
events which leads to his imprisonment.
The piece of writing meets the descriptors for Category IV quite easily and is therefore at the upper
end.
Category:
IV
Mark:
15
Example 4 – “Est. 1887” – Imaginative (Short Story)
Commentary:
The story centres on an elderly man who is preparing (it eventually transpires) for his own death.
One of the final steps in the preparation is the purchase of a tie in an old fashioned tailor’s shop,
where the story begins.
The overall concept of the story is impressive: a slow unfolding of the character’s situation (with
virtually no “back story”), the impression of a life no longer worth living, and the meticulous care
and pride with which he prepares his appearance for his death. There are no sudden twists, no
dramatic incidents. The reader is, up to a point, misled into thinking Nicholas is preparing for some
forthcoming social occasion, but the revelation at the end comes, pleasingly, as no surprise. Much
of the writing is poised and controlled, with some neat details, eg the sight of himself in the mirror,
the scissors awaiting the arrival of parcel.
There are weaknesses, however. The brief movement to the shop assistant’s point of view jars
quite badly. The “miniature coffin” simile is too obvious. There is something elusive about “He left
the shop, just as he had come in and took a cab …”. Do we need to know the house “old” and
“Victorian”? Over-writing is evident now and again, eg “The black and gold bag was held tightly in
the grasp of his long, thin fingers as he continued up the remaining stairs”, “this great oak
cupboard”. Some details are not thought through (the sunlight “illuminat[ing] the wooden coat
hanger which the suit was hanging from”) or of questionable relevance (the positioning of the
grandfather clock).
Overall, this is a commendable effort, which doesn’t quite come off, and it is assigned to the upper
part of Category III.
Category:
III
Mark:
21
Example 5 – “Swan Song” – Imaginative (Short Story)
Commentary:
This is a very impressive piece of work, rich in imagination and subtle in delivery. Its qualities
should be obvious to all on a first reading: the economical establishment of setting and situation,
the effective dialogue, the subtle way in which Peter’s illness is revealed to the reader. The whole
concept of the artist becoming part of his work in death is extraordinarily sophisticated for a young
writer.
This piece of writing is in so many respects “Outstanding”, that it belongs in Category I. It is not,
however, not without the occasional misjudgement, eg the shift in perspective when Dr Howe’s
memory of first meeting Peter emerge, and the occasional cliché: “in pride of place”, “had loomed
on the horizon”, “a lump in the throat” – although it is probably a reflection on how good the rest of
the writing is that these seem so jarring.
Category:
I
Mark:
25
Example 6 – “The Observer” – Imaginative (Short Story)
Commentary:
This is an assured and confident piece of creative writing in which the candidate clearly
demonstrates insight into the short story genre. She skilfully deals with the interesting concept of
creating a character who himself is attempting to create a character. Language is deployed
appropriately to develop this inventive idea and create a successful short story.
It opens with the narrator, a writer, and a crucial aspect of his character: “Human interaction has
always been a dreaded task....Hence, I observe.” This establishes his difficulty in being a writer
and leads on to a brief description of the coffee shop setting in which the narrator feels himself to
be at odds with the rest of society. One of the customers becomes the subject of his attention
because of his potential to be a character in the novel. There is then an extended and impressive
section in the story in which the narrator explores a variety of possible roles for him: “protagonist,
eerie mariner, loyal brother...” culminating in the crisp “I felt pleased with my new subject”. This
section is both imaginative and entertaining although the writing is not absolutely consistent: there
are a few moments that lack the previous sureness of touch – “sooty locks”, “spied for a wedding
ring” seem somewhat contrived – but, nonetheless, this does not detract significantly from the
overall quality of the writing.
The writer takes us deeper and deeper into the mind of the narrator which sets up an effective
conclusion when he is confronted by the real “Gray” who has obviously found his attentions
unwanted and intrusive.
Overall, the writer shows great imagination as well as skill in sustaining the central conceit of the
story. This is a conscious, well crafted piece which – although it has some very minor
imperfections – is stylish and sits comfortably in Category I.
Category:
I
Mark:
25
Example 7 – “The Teacher” – Imaginative (Poem)
Commentary:
Not many poems were submitted in 2011, but some of those that were showed considerable talent
and skill. This is one of them.
Little needs to be said about this piece of work other than to remark how its apparent simplicity is
its strength, how natural and convincing the speaking voice is made to sound, how the personality
of the speaker and the relationship with the listener emerge so gently and so hauntingly. The
fluidity with which it seems to move from a literal teacher/pupil situation to a parent/child one is a
joy, enhanced by the introduction of a sort of role reversal in “But now you are the teacher./With
your own pupil”.
No big words, no fancy rhyme schemes, no classical or literary allusions, no stunning imagery –
yet a confident and delightful piece of work.
Category:
I
Mark:
25
Example 8 – untitled – Personal Reflective
Commentary:
This piece of personal reflection starts promisingly, with a neat aphorism followed by some
impressive use of language: “unbearable pain ripping through my five year old arm”. However,
from the moment we have “tears concocting a river within my face”, things go downhill rapidly.
The description of the fall and the consequent hospital visit is perfectly clear and the writing is
error-free, but the language is very limited and what reflection there is is minimal and unconvincing.
Expression rarely rises above the banality of “I said bye to my mum and I was away” or “After a
quick call to my dad he arrived at the house and took me to the hospital”. When the writer
attempts anything more sophisticated it tends to come out awkwardly: “looked in the untrustworthy
mirror” or “The pain was like a sharp needle radiating through my arm”.
Reflection is limited to individual, fairly predictable words such as “terrifying”, “uncomfortable”,
“apprehensive”, “embarrassing”; there is nothing approaching real reflection.
Writing which displays such limited thought and such unsophisticated language cannot expect to
pass at Higher English. It belongs in Category V, with 11 marks at best.
Category:
V
Mark:
11
Example 9 – “The Worst Day of My Life” – Personal Reflective
Commentary:
The writer opens with a couple of generalised statements about life and moves briskly to the
specific event on which he is reflecting as if to prove the opening statements. The piece is
rounded off with a similar burst of home-spun philosophy.
There is an honesty to much of the writing. Events are recalled in a way that suggests the deep
impact the bereavement had on the writer. One or two small details are introduced with some skill:
the way the grandfather looked in his suit when he left, his appearance at the hospital.
The language is mostly appropriate; it is never showy but it is rarely ordinary or dull. There is,
however, a rather strong impression that everything has been a little overdone: the use of
exclamation marks, for example, is a serious detraction; the occasional use of a short sentence
can be effective but here it is excessive; finding a chocolate bar doesn’t really make anyone
“ecstatic”; upsetting news doesn’t have to be “dreadful, shocking and unexpected”.
Many candidates chose to write about the death of a relative and this piece is not untypical: an
honest account of the shock and distress, with some fairly generalised reflection on mortality. It is
often hard for such pieces to establish and maintain a critical distance which allows for genuine
and mature reflection.
This piece achieves Category IV.
Category:
IV
Mark:
13
Example 10 – “My Dream” – Personal Reflective
Commentary:
Having revealed her ambition to be a star on Broadway, the writer looks back on her dancing and
musical career so far, describing various highlights in her performing life. The writing is competent
(apart from the comma splice at “however” [bottom of page 2] and a clumsy “sentence” in the
penultimate paragraph). The language is adequate, although it never impresses, eg the
“screeching cat”.
The piece is weakened, however, by a number of factors. Firstly, it probably covers too much
ground and gives the feeling of being rather “padded out”; a more detailed exploration of fewer
moments would have been wiser. Secondly, some of the “reflection” comes across as very
laboured, eg the success at Standard Grade Maths, the animadversions on racism.
This is a good example of a worthy, competently written piece which satisfies the basics of the
task, but does little to engage the reader. It sits comfortably at the top of Category IV.
Category:
IV
Mark:
15
Example 11 – “Reckless” – Personal Reflective
Commentary:
This account of a young woman’s accidental injuries on a night out in Edinburgh is written with a
fair bit of power. The vivid opening grabs the reader’s attention (although “porcelain cheek”
sounds wrong) and establishes a focus on the face, which will be central to the rest of the account.
– particularly the impressive passage at the foot of the second page.
Language is exploited effectively on a number of occasions, eg “My face was covered in blood, my
hair was crisped with blood, my clothes were stained with blood. I was a monster.” On occasion,
however, there are poor choices, eg “glacial ground”, “a plethora of passers by”. On two occasions
(“defiant” and “euphoric”), over-ambitious word choice, or possibly injudicious use of a thesaurus,
has led to obscurity.
A measure of genuine reflection is embedded in the narrative and the writer succeeds in conveying
a strong sense of her personality. The more overt “reflection” in the final paragraph is less
satisfying and comes across as rather cloying.
Overall, this is a strong piece, despite its linguistic lapses, and achieves the upper end of Category
III.
Category:
III
Mark:
19
Example 12 – “A Dainty Princess” – Personal Reflective
Commentary:
The qualities of this at times harrowing piece of self-exploration are immediately obvious. The
writer’s experience of anorexia is explored in a captivating and insightful way. A particular strength
is that there is no “narrative” as such, and the writing is almost impressionistic.
Self-awareness permeates the essay, but it is not all self-loathing. There is a dry, restrained
humour (the school’s attitude, the counsellor who asks for weight-loss tips) and a sophisticated
take on her condition.
There are a couple of slips caused by careless editing (“Only thing tears me away”, “I have is a
dietician”) and these should have been picked up at proofreading. In an otherwise virtually
flawless and stylish piece of writing, the phrase “Upon reflection of this time” sounds especially
ugly. These slips, however, are dwarfed by the overall impact of this outstanding piece of writing.
As Personal Reflective writing goes, this is about as good as it gets: splendid writing which
perfectly captures the candidate’s exploration of her condition.
Category:
I
Mark:
25
Example 13 – “Abortion – Is it acceptable?” – Discursive
Commentary:
This essay takes a brief look at two or three aspects of the abortion debate, and satisfactorily
acknowledges some sources. It is characterised by a shallowness of thought and a lack of insight
into the arguments. The assertion in the opening that abortion is “a topic people have to deal with
on a daily basis” is indicative of the sloppy thinking that underpins the whole piece. Despite the
use of “However”, “Nevertheless”, “On the other hand” and “Overall” as paragraph openers, there
is no real structure and no coherent line of thought. The conclusion that abortion is acceptable
provided it is given serious consideration and is not a “rash decision” highlights the lack of maturity
in the thinking.
The ideas are expressed clearly enough, but the language is generally very limited and at times
very clumsy (“It brings up the conclusion …”). There is a rash of surface errors such as the
absence of apostrophes, the confusion of “women/woman” and “lifes/lives”, the use of “alot” for “a
lot” and misspellings such as “mannor” that would probably cause failure on grounds of Technical
Accuracy, but it is the shallowness of thought and paucity of ideas which cause this piece to fail.
Category:
V
Mark:
11
Example 14 – “Euthanasia” – Discursive
Commentary:
This candidate has clearly undertaken some research into the subject of euthanasia and cites
several sources. However, the statistics and individual cases she has found do not lead to a very
coherent overall grasp of the topic. Many of the statistics (eg the reference to deaths in Oregon)
obfuscate rather than illuminate, and the choice of specific cases does not advance a line of
thought in the piece as a whole. A disproportionate amount of time is taken up discussing statistics
about doctors’ opinions. There appears to be a contradiction between the end of the penultimate
paragraph and the writer’s conclusion. There is a lingering feeling that the subject is one in which
the candidate has little real interest.
The quality of writing is satisfactory, despite an egregious comma splice in the first line, but it is
never impressive.
Overall, this is sufficient for Category IV at the lower end.
Category:
IV
Mark:
13
Example 15 – “Advertising” – Discursive
Commentary:
This exploration of some aspects of advertising is well-researched and quite well-written, with a
clear structure. Its primary weakness is that it attempts to look at too wide an area and
consequently lacks a clear line of thought on the main topic. Too much time is spent simply
describing processes such as subliminal messages and some of the supermarkets’ strategies;
there is not enough discussion of, for example, the ethics of such practices to make this a
particularly strong piece.
It is written confidently and almost without error (there is confusion of “everyday” and “every day”,
and the spelling “intensions” is odd). Sentence structures are sound and vocabulary is quite
sophisticated throughout.
It rises above the basic level required for Category IV and can be placed at the lower end of
Category III. For a higher mark, there needs to be more of the candidate’s own thinking.
Category:
III
Mark:
17
Example 16 – “No Balls for Football” – Discursive
Commentary:
This candidate uses the furore surrounding “the recent comments of two football pundits” to launch
into a passionate defence of feminism and call to arms against the “Neanderthals”. It is an
engaging piece of writing, the robust and uncompromising style of which is clearly signposted in
the opening paragraph.
It is, however, a bit of a rant, given to some very sweeping statements (“… it’s true that men take
positions based principally on gender, while women regard gender as merely coincidental”) and
inclined to overlook everything that has happened since the suffragettes. The inclusion of
assertive statements such as “Giving women rights has obviously not made men happy as they still
find the need to use ignorant sexist remarks” does nothing to further the candidate’s defence of
feminism. Such statements become repetitious, revealing a rather shallow and imbalanced
argument. Committed writing is welcome, but this piece is at times too blinkered to be truly
successful. Exuberance spills over into lack of control on a number of occasions.
The use of a contemporary “hook” for a discussion of wider issues is commendable, as are the
robust stance and the vibrancy of much of the expression. Nevertheless, a little more control and
mature reasoning would be needed for this piece to reach the high categories.
Category:
III
Mark:
17
Example 17 – “Cheats want the opportunity of employment …” – Discursive
Commentary:
Starting quietly with what sounds like a lacklustre lesson in recent political history, this piece builds
to a powerful and impassioned criticism of the “benefit cheat” illusion and a sympathetic defence of
those on Jobseeker’s Allowance. Such tolerance is not common among those who choose to
tackle this topic.
The writer demonstrates a mature understanding of the issues involved and argues cogently that
the attacks on the unemployed are not just politically cynical but, in practical terms, illogical.
Expression is strong, with complex sentence structures and sophisticated vocabulary.
If there is a weakness, it is towards the end, in the overlong exploration of “real reasons why some
might become trapped on unemployment benefit”. This causes an imbalance in the piece overall
and the writing here seems to lack the vigour of what goes before.
Undoubtedly, however, this is a “very sound” piece which puts it in Category II.
Category:
II
Mark:
21
Example 18 – “Ban the Burqa in Britain? No thanks.” – Discursive
Commentary:
“A veil is only threatening if you allow yourself to be threatened by it.” Thus the candidate
concludes a highly intelligent, well-informed and mature discussion of calls to ban the wearing of
the burqa in Britain. The extent of her background study can be seen in the (slightly overlong)
bibliography, but the strength of this piece is the way the “research” has been integrated into a
sustained and highly coherent demolition of the proposal.
The style of writing is sophisticated and controlled, worthy in many places of a professional
columnist or opinion writer. There is restrained humour in some of the more scathing comments
(“back in time for tea”, “hunky dory”, “bombing for peace”) and passion throughout (“It is typical of
British culture to point its petulant finger at another culture …”). The passion, however, is always
under control – indeed some of the most impressive sections are calmly understated.
If one were inclined to judge a piece of writing by its first paragraph alone, then this would have
scored full marks right away for a paragraph which shows such subtle use of language that it would
not be out of place as a practice piece for Close Reading analysis.
The descriptor for “Outstanding” could have been written with this piece in mind.
Category:
I
Mark:
25