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Choosing your friends: Are we building wise relationships?
"A friend loves at all times.....there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
(Proverbs 17:17 and 18:24)
"A real, true, genuine, friend is a gift of God's mercy to us. A friend is a treasure someone who loves you when you're not very lovable - will be by your side when the
world walks out on you - catches you when you fall."
Charles Stanley.
"Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver but the other - gold."
From an old poem.
Before choosing our friends and establishing the requirements or "building blocks" for
wise relationships, we need first to answer a fundamental question: Do we need friends at
all? (a "friend" is a "favoured companion": Webster's Dictionary)
The Holy Bible is particularly enlightening in this regard. After God had completed His
creation, the Book of Genesis tells us, "Then God saw everything that He had made, and
indeed it was very good." (Genesis 1:31) But after putting Adam in the garden of Eden
"to tend and keep it," the Bible tells us, "And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man
should be alone."" (Genesis 2:18) Isn't it interesting that immediately after creating man,
God highlights for us the importance of fellowship and companionship? Clearly, God
does not desire us to be alone and, when He saw that man needed a companion, He
immediately provided for that need to be met. It is certain that our need for God in our
lives is first and foremost. But the second most important need that we must not ignore is
that of those intimate, loyal, devoted, loving few, whose presence, input, caring and
understanding are paramount to our ability to fulfill the will of God.
King Solomon emphasizes the importance of companionship even further: "A man who
isolates himself [hence, a person who refuses to develop friendships] seeks his own
desire; He rages against all wise judgment." (Proverbs 18:1) Another point to bear in
mind is that once we become believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, our relationship with the
physical, mental, and emotional world undergoes a radical change. We become a new
creation, and everything is now perceived in a totally different light. As God's children,
we thus need to take great care in choosing our friends and in building wise, godly
relationships.
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Therefore we must:
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understand the meaning and purpose of friendships, and the difference between a
true friend and a casual acquaintance,
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know what the Bible says about friendships and godly relationships, and
appreciate the various examples of friendships given in the Bible,
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know the components, advantages and hurdles associated with building and
maintaining godly relationships and
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follow a practical strategy to build and maintain godly relationships.
1.
Understanding the meaning and purpose of friendship:
The Oxford Dictionary defines friendship as "the state or relation of being a person
joined by affection and intimacy to another, independently of sexual or family love, or the
state of being a helper, or being a person who wishes another well, or being a person who
acts for another." In other words, the "worldly" definition of friendship includes the
notions of affection, intimacy, lending a helping hand, well-wishing, and trustworthiness.
Are not these some of the essential elements making up the cornerstone of Christian
living: love?
Solomon says it very clearly: "A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
The following Bible verses give the two most important purposes that friendships satisfy:
help or cooperation in times of need, and perfecting one another.
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"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. For if
they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for
he has no one to help him up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9)
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"As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."
(Proverbs 27:17)
The Book of Proverbs emphasizes the value of genuine, loyal friendships: "But there is
a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18:24)
We therefore conclude that a friend having the characteristics described above constitutes
a significant asset to us, that would take much time and effort to build and maintain.
Hence, lasting, genuine friendships do not just "happen," and loyal, devoted friends are
not "found." On the other hand, one may "find" a casual acquaintance.
2.
What the Bible says about friendships and godly relationships:
The Bible tells us the implications of having friends, and gives us numerous examples, in
both the Old and New Testaments, of friendships.
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Words of caution - implications:
"If your brother......or your friend who is as your own soul, secretly entices you, saying,
"Let us go and serve other gods,"......you shall not consent to him or listen to him....."
(Deuteronomy 13:6 - 8)
"Do not be deceived: "Evil company corrupts good habits."" (1 Corinthians 15:33)
"Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?" (1 Corinthians 5:6)
God, since the days of Moses, has given us very clear instructions concerning those who
try to steer us away from Him. St. Paul furthermore tells us in no uncertain terms that
whoever we choose for friends will have an impact on us. It is up to us to make sure
that we choose those who would have a "good" impact. "Evil company" is equivalent to
"company that draws us away from God."
An unstated aspect to be cautious about is the surroundings or the prevailing
circumstances at the time a particular friendship is formed. In other words care should be
exercised as to how and where we choose our friends. To illustrate this point further, it is
unlikely, for example, that a night club constitute an ideal place for starting a genuine
godly relationship.
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Biblical examples of true, lasting friendships:
1.
Abraham:
"Are You not our God, Who......gave it to the descendants of Abraham Your friend
forever?" (2 Chronicles 20:7 - [Jehoshophat entreating God before battle])
"But you, Israel, ......The descendants of Abraham My friend." (Isaiah 41:8)
The most important characteristic of Abraham that earned him the very unique and
distinguished title of "Friend of God" is his faith: "Abraham believed God, and it was
accounted to him for righteousness. And he was called the friend of God." (Genesis 15:6
and James 2:23)
2.
David:
"Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of
David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul........Then Jonathan and David made a
covenant, because he loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel 18:1 & 3)
"......but Jonathan, Saul's son, delighted greatly in David." (1 Samuel 19:1)
"Thus Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father........So Saul heeded the voice of
Jonathan." (1 Samuel 19:4 & 6)
"So Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you yourself desire, I will do it for you."" (1
Samuel 20:4)
"So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David.......for he loved him as he loved
his own soul." (1 Samuel 20:16 & 17)
"So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and ate no food,......for he was grieved
for David...." (1 Samuel 20:34)
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From those verses we can deduce several characteristics of intimate, genuine friendships
such as David and Jonathan's: unselfish love, delight in each other's company, speaking
well of each other, seeking to please each other, and feeling for each other.
3.
Job:
"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, each
one came from his own place......For they had made an appointment together to come and
mourn with him, and to comfort him. And when they raised their eyes from
afar.....they lifted their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe and sprinkled dust on
his head toward heaven. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven
nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great."
(Job 2:11-13)
"But as for me, I would seek God, And to God I would commit my cause.......Behold,
happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the
Almighty." (Job 5:8 & 17)
In these verses Job's friends travel far to offer their sympathy and share his grief for a
prolonged period, and they gave godly counsel.
4.
Daniel:
"But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the
king's delicacies, nor with the wine which he drank; therefore he requested of the chief of
the eunuchs that he might not defile himself.......And the chief.....said...."For why should
he see your faces looking worse than the young men....?".....So Daniel said......"Please
test your servants for ten days....."" (Daniel 1:8 - 12)
"So Daniel went in and asked the king to give him time......Then Daniel went to his
house, and made the decision known to Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, his companions,
that they might seek mercies from the God of heaven......" (Daniel 2:16 - 18)
"Also Daniel petitioned the king, and he set Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego over the
affairs of the province of Babylon." (Daniel 2:49)
From those verses we can also see some of the features characterizing close friendships:
being of one accord/unity of spirit, togetherness in praying, and faithfulness (when
Daniel was promoted he could have easily forgotten about his friends).
5.
Christ:
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are
My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a
servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all
things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you." (John 15:13 - 15)
Some of the characteristics of a sincere friendship that emerge from these verses are love,
selflessness, intimacy and trustworthiness.
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6.
Paul:
St. Paul had many close companions to whom he referred as "friends," such as Philemon:
"To Philemon our beloved friend and fellow labourer," (Philemon 1:1) Paul used other
expressions as well in the same context; examples are "brethren," "beloved," "fellow
servants," and "faithful ministers."
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Whom should we befriend?
David answers this question very clearly and succintly:
"I am a companion of all who fear You, and of those who keep Your precepts." (Psalm
119:63)
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Biblical examples of whom to avoid:
The Bible has made it equally clear to us as to the kinds of people we should avoid:
"He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be
destroyed." (Proverbs 13:20)
"A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends." (Proverbs
16:28)
"He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with one
who flatters with his lips." (Proverbs 20:19)
"Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn
his ways, and set a snare for your soul." (Proverbs 22:24 & 25)
"Do not mix with winebibbers, or with gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and
the glutton will come to poverty, And drowsiness will clothe a man with rags." (Proverbs
23:20 & 21)
"My son, fear the Lord and the king; do not associate with those given to change; for
their calamity will rise suddenly, and who knows the ruin those two can bring?"
(Proverbs 24:21 & 22)
"Whoever keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons shames his
father." (Proverbs 28:7)
"Whoever loves wisdom makes his father rejoice, but a companion of harlots wastes his
wealth." (Proverbs 29:3)
"Whoever is a partner with a thief hates his own life." (Proverbs 29:24)
Thus, king Solomon tells us to stay away from fools, perverts, slanderers, talebearers,
those with uncontrollable tempers, drunks, rebels, gluttons, harlots and thieves.
3.
Components, advantages and hurdles associated with building and
maintaining godly relationships:
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Friendships can have the following effects on us:
delight, develop, drive and motivate; ALSO: disillusion (it is wrong to conclude then to
not trust anybody else), distress, drag down, or, ultimately, destroy.
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Rewards of friendship:
acceptance, change, love, intimacy, fruitfulness, security, spiritual growth.
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4.
A practical strategy to build and maintain godly relationships:
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We build wise friendships when:
1.
We share a mutual concern or interest (at least a part of this should be Christ).
2.
We focus on meeting their needs not our needs (No single person can meet all of
the needs of another - only Christ can do that. Christ is the only perfect friend.)
3.
We are willing to risk rejection and pain.
4.
We love sacrificially (put ourselves second - not expect anything in return).
5.
We are open and transparent (we express our feelings openly and honestly).
6.
We are willing to serve the other person gladly.
7.
We are willing to ask for forgiveness and to be forgiving.
8.
We can accept both criticism and praise.
9.
We are committed to the spiritual growth of the other person.
10.
The principles of scripture govern our relatioship.
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Building blocks for building friendships are:
1.
Spending time together.
2.
Conversation (finding out about each other). [Jesus listened.]
3.
Sharing laughter and tears (triumphs, trials and tragedies). [Jesus wept.]
4.
Thankfulness (for each other's presence and gifts).
5.
Thoughtfulness (of each other's needs). [Jesus reached out and touched others.]
6.
Truthfulness (especially when correcting damage and/or restoring friendships).
7.
Tolerance: "He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a
matter separates friends." (Proverbs 17:9) [Jesus accepted people unconditionally.]
8.
Faithfulness: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are
deceitful." Also, "Do not forsake your own friend or your father's friend.....better is a
neighbour nearby than a brother far away." (Proverbs 27:6 & 10) [Jesus died for us.]
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Rules of thumb to maintain a relationship:
Control
Control
Control
your thoughts: thoughts out of control = life out of control.
your tongue:
a loose tongue = destruction of a godly relationship.
your temper:
a loose temper = walking in the flesh rather than the Spirit.
Good homes, good Churches and good communities are built on godly
relationships. The most common cause of failure in a relationship is a failure to
live by and respond to God's Word, which results in the fullness of the Spirit. A
believer who is filled with the Spirit of God has the mind of God to go through
relationship problems correctly.
Acknowledgement: This article is based on the Holy Bible and publications by Intouch
Ministries.
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