HAMLET, Prince of Denmark. Described by his uncle the king as "so depressing, so drearily
down in the mouth, so maliciously melancholy." He aspires to the stage. However, as is often
pointed out, "HAMLET's fatal flaw is that he can't act." Also, he has trouble following
through on his main task of avenging his father's death. Never-the-less he takes pride in
playing the droll fool to everyone around him. HAMLET is about 30.
CLAUDIUS, King of Denmark. CLAUDIUS is around 50 years old. He is described by his
nephew, HAMLET, whom he persists in calling "son", as a "bloody windbag." He is not the
only verbose one in the Court of Elsinore, but he is arguably the worst offender. CLAUDIUS
is personable, bold and thoroughly ruthless. He would have felt at home in the 1980s.
GERTRUDE, Queen of Denmark. Fifty-ish or possibly in her late forties, GERTRUDE is still
beautiful, if impetuous. She married her late husband's brother within weeks of her first
husband's funeral, no doubt dallying amid the cold cuts at the memorial service as "the
funeral-baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables".
POLONIUS, King's chancelor. He is the original "tedious old fool." His hobbies are giving
trite advice and hiding behind the drapes. POLONIUS is just as loyal to the new king as he
was to the old, and just as much a "pain in the arras" as always. He's about 60.
LAERTES, Polonius' son. Hot-headed LAERTES, who contrary to his father's advice, or
because of it, is always ready to find "entrance to a quarrel." He is in his twenties and no one
really expects him to get out of them.
OPHELIA, Polonius' daughter. OPHELIA is the young prince's girlfriend, whom he treats
very shabbily during the play, however close they may have been during rehearsals. Her
brother says to her when she can't hear him, "Too much of water hath thou..."And that diet
didn't work any better then than it does now. She is about twenty.
HORATIO, Hamlet's friend. HORATIO is the sidekick of sidekicks, willing to get kicked in
the side, if need be, for his prince. In the Kevin Kostner version of this show, he would be a
friendly Moor who once saved Hamlet's life in a panty raid at Wittenberg University. He too
is about thirty.
HAMLET, SR., a ghost. The late king, though somewhat earlier than Claudius, is a ghost of
his former self. He has returned from the grave to "fast in fires" presumably dissatisfied with
those cold cuts at his funeral, "until the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and
purged away," and while he's about he reveals to his son his "most unnatural murther" as well
as the lisp he's acquired since his death.
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND,
EXTRANEOUS and SUPERFLUOUS Rosencrantz and Guildenstern themselves admit,
"we're so sketchily drawn, nobody can even tell us apart." ROSENCRANTZ looks just like
CORNELIUS and EXTRANEOUS, and GUILDENSTERN looks just like VOLTEMAND
and SUPERFLUOUS, but they are all quite interchangeable, wearing identical clothing, the
only real difference being the monograms on the medallions which hang from ribbons around
their respective, if not respectable necks. They are about twenty-something each.
FRANCISCO, BERNARDO and MARCELLUS, castle guards. Why do we get the feeling
the Danes will be speaking Norwegian soon? They are any ages you please.
Three PLAYERS, GOOD HUMOUR MAN, GRAVEDIGGER, two palace GUARDS,
offstage VOICE These are all small but choice parts. There are no small parts, but if there
were, these would be the ones.
SETTING: Elsinore Castle, Denmark
TIME: Twelth Century, Thursday
Act II, scene i. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. CLAUDIUS enters downstage followed by
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
CLAUDIUS
I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his madness range. Me thinks he suspects
something——not that there is anything to suspect, you understand--but Hamlet is becoming
very dangerous. I shall send the two of you to escort him to England.
ROSENCRANTZ
To England? Where giraffes and elephants come from?
GUILDENSTERN
That's Wales.
ROSENCRANTZ
To England where giraffes and whales come from?
POLONTUS enters far upstage.
CLAUDIUS
(still to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN)
Yes. Yes. Haste you now.
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, Sire. (to ROSENCRANTZ) We're going to England! I've always wanted to see the
pyramids.
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit joyously downstage. CLAUDIUS sees
POLONIUS step down towards him.
POLONIUS
My lord, he's going to his mother's closet.
CLAUDIUS
To her closet?
POLONIUS
Behind the arras I'll convey myself.
CLAUDIUS
Arras?
POLONIUS
Curtains, tapestry, my lord. I'll hide behind them.
CLAUDIUS
Curtains. Quite.
POLONIUS
I'll call upon you ere you go to bed. And tell you what I know.
CLAUDIUS
Yes. I see.
POLONIUS
That exchange was quick enough.
CLAUDIUS
But singularly lacking in punchlines, don't you think?
POLONIUS
Perhaps, Sire.
POLONIUS bows and exits.
CLAUDIUS
Right...So I'm alone then, am I? Why do It feel the urge to talk aloud to myself. Most curious.
There was something in that play...I think Hamlet was trying to tell me something...0, my
offense is rank; it smells to Heaven. (sniffs his clothes) It must be this doublet. I could use a
fresh change of clothes. I'll pray a minute and then go bathies.
As CLAUDIUS kneels, bowing his head to pray, the lights dim and we see the silhouette of a
cross against the floor while reverent organ music plays. HAMLET enters from high upstage,
takes out his sword, steps down a level or two, and soliloquizes.
HAMLET
Now might I do it. Now while he's a—praying. Now I'll do it. And so he goes to Heaven, and
so am I revenged!...That's right, I'll do it now...This is my chance to off the bastard...If I
hesitate I m lost....This really is a bit of luck finding him here like this....I ll just jab him a
little in the back. (mimes jabbing) Or in the back of the neck. (mimes jabbing) Yes, I'm going
to do it! I m really going to do it!...Let me savor this moment. ("savors" to himself) Good.
That's enough savoring. Now I'11 do it...All right. I'11 just raise my sword. (raises sword
overhead) And I'll just...Maybe if I took a running start from back here...(Takes a few steps
back.) Now I'11—-(CLAUDIUS stands, crossing himself.) Bugger! I almost had him. He's
too fast for me tonight.
CLAUDIUS turns around to see HAMLET. HAMLET hides the sword behind his back.
CLAUDIUS
Oh Hamlet, I didn't see you there.
HAMLET
Yes. Well...I thought I'd just pray a bit.
CLAUDIUS
(suspiciously)
I'm off to my bath. Cheerio.
CLAUDIUS exits upstage.
HAMLET
It's about time. His offense is rank. It stinks to high Heaven...I ll get him next time. When he
is drunk asleep, or in his rage, or about some act that has no relish of salvation in it. I'll do it. I
really will! (Smells his clothes.) I could use a bit of a scrub myself. I do hope he doesn't use
all the bubble bath.
HAMLET exits downstage.
Act II, scene ii. Elsinore Castle, GERTRUDE's apartments. The tapestry, curtains, arras,
what you will, is drawn across the upstage platform. GERTRUDE and POLONIUS enter from
downstage.
POLONIUS
He will come straight. Look you, lay home to him. Tell him his pranks have been too broad to
bear with, and that Your Grace hath screened and stood between much heat and him. I'll
silence me even here. Pray you be round with him.
HAMLET
(offstage)
Mother, mother, mother!
GERTRUDE
I'll be square with him.
POLONIUS
I believe that s "round", madam.
GERTRUDE
Whatever. Withdraw; I hear him coming. <P<POLONIUS hides behind the arras. HAMLET
enters downstage.
HAMLET
Mother, what is it?
GERTRUDE
Hamlet, thou has thy father much offended.
HAMLET
Mother, you have my father much offended.
GERTRUDE
Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.
HAMLET
Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.
GERTRUDE
Why, how now, Hamlet?
HAMLET
Why, how now, brown cow?
GERTRUDE
What?
HAMLET
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, mother.
GERTRUDE
Hamlet, I don't know what to say.
HAMLET
Ah ha! Mince phrases with me, will you? I'll set up a mirror where you may see the inmost
part of you.
GERTRUDE
(suddenly vain)
Mirror? Where?
HAMLET
I was speaking metaphorically, mother.
GERTRUDE
I see. But what is that wild gleam in your eye?
HAMLET
Wild gleam? Where? (Draws sword, uses it as a mirror.) Where's that blasted mirror?
GERTRUDE
What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help ho!
POLONIUS
(behind the arras) What, ho! Help!
HAMLET
That's not Ho. Me thinks it's my rat of an uncle. Dead for a ducat, dead! (Jabs arras with his
sword.)
POLONTUS
(behind the arras)
0, I am slain!
GERTRUDE
O me, what hast thou done?
HAMLET
You heard him. He's slain. I've offed the king.
GERTRUDE
0, what a rash and bloody deed is this!
HAMLET
A bloody deed--almost as bad, good mother, as kill a king and marry with his brother.
GERTRUDE
As kill a king?
HAMLET
Ay, lady, it was my word. (Lifts arras and sees POLONIUS.) Oops.
GERTRUDE
Oops? Is that all you have to say for yourself? You kill a trusted old friend and counselor and
get blood stains all over my nice new arras, and all you can think of is "oops"?
HAMLET
This is really quite embarrassing. I thought he was the king.
GERTRUDE
And I suppose that makes it alright? Hamlet, honestly, sometimes you just don't think, do
you?
HAMLET
It was a bit rash then, was it?
GERTRUDE
I'll say.
HAMLET
Well, he had it coming, always sneaking about and hiding in people's bedrooms. And my
uncle, he really has it coming.
GERTRUDE
And me? Do I have it coming, Hamlet?
HAMLET
Mother, did you have to marry my uncle and so soon after father died?
GERTRUDE
Well, he was just no fun anymore.
HAMLET
I dare say.
GERTRUDE
No, silly, before he died. He was no fun before he died.
HAMLET
And did you help to mur—-(GHOST enters.)
GERTRUDE
Mur? What's "mur"?
HAMLET
(to the GHOST)
Save me and hover o'er me with your wings, you heavenly guards! What would your gracious
figure?
GERTRUDE
Alas, he's mad. He's balmy as a jaybird.
GHOST
Do not forget, Hamlet. This visitation is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose. But look,
amazement on thy mother sits. Speak to her, Hamlet.
HAMLET
Right. How are you, mummy?
GERTRUDE
How are you, Hamlet? You've been talking to yourself much too much of late. I'm beginning
to worry.
HAMLET
But don't you see him, mummy? (GHOST exits.) There he goes. There.
GERTRUDE
Who are you talking about?
HAMLET
Dad, of course, mummy. Look where he goes even now out at the portal!
GERTRUDE
Are you daft?
HAMLET
Daft? I'm as sane as you are. Bring me to the test. I'll show you.
GERTRUDE
Alright then. (Takes ink blot cards from her bossom.) What does this look like?
HAMLET
A camel.
GERTRUDE
(flashing the next card)
And this?
HAMLET
A weasel. No, it's a whale. Mother, old Polonius already administered this test--with the
clouds.
GERTRUDE
Really? I don't recall...
HAMLET
That's right, we cut that scene. It was too long.
GERTRUDE
Unlike this one?
HAMLET
Right. I see what you mean. All right then, I'll get right to the point. (quickly) Confess
yourself to heaven, repent what's past, avoid what is to come, and do not spread the compost
on the weeds to make them ranker. Forgive me this my virtue. For in the fatness of these
pursy times virtue itself of vice must pardon beg, yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.
GERTRUDE
0 Hamlet, thou has cleft my heart in twain.
HAMLET
I have? I really should be more careful with this sword. Are you in pain?
GERTRUDE
I'm speaking metaphorically, of course.
HAMLET
Of course. And well done too, mother. Right. Well, good night--but go not to my uncle's bed.
Assume a virtue if you have it not.
GERTRUDE
You are daft!
HAMLET
Now I must go, mother...And don t tell anyone about all this. It really is quite embarrassing,
you know.
GERTRUDE
I won't tell a soul. Really I won't.
HAMLET
I must go to England; you know that.
GERTRUDE
Yes, I had forgotten what with all this
HAMLET
All what business, mother?
GERTRUDE
None, Hamlet. None at all.
HAMLET
That s better. I ll just lug these guts into the neighbor room.
HAMLET begins to drag POLONIUS away.
GERTRUDE
Whose guts, Hamlet?
HAMLET
(laughing)
Right. Whose guts indeed. I see no guts. Good night, mother.
HAMLET exits dragging POLONIUS.
GERTRUDE
Good night. Hamlet.
CLAUDIUS
(entering from upstage)
What, Gertrude? How does Hamlet?
GERTRUDE
Promise you won't get angry?
CLAUDIUS
What is it then?
GERTRUDE
Claudius, the fact is...It's so difficult to put this gracefully. Hamlet, our son, sort of...killed
Polonius.
CLAUDIUS
Killed Polonius?
GERTRUDE
Now remember he is our son and it was a kind of accident.
CLAUDIUS
He's your son. He's just my nephew.
GERTRUDE
And step son.
CLAUDIUS
All right, step son.
GERTRUDE
He didn t really mean to kill him. He thought Polonius was you--I mean...
CLAUDIUS
So that's it!
GERTRUDE
Oh dear. You won't do anything hasty, will you?
CLAUDIUS
Hasty!...Hasty?...Of course not. We'll simply send him away at once--for his health.
GERTRUDE
Oh Claudius. You are so wise and kind.
CLAUDIUS
Yes. Yes...Ho Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter.
ROSENCRANTZ
I'm sorry, my lord. Ho couldn't make it, but we're here.
CLAUDIUS
Good enough. Bring Prince Hamlet before me.
ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, Sire.
GUILDENSTERN
At once, my lord.
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.
ROSENCRANTZ
(offstage)
My lord, Hamlet, would you accompany us please?!
HAMLET
(offstage)
What's the meaning of all this?
GUILDENSTERN
(offstage)
His Majesty wishes to see you at once, my lord.
ROSENCRANTZ
(offstage) Come along, sir.
HAMLET is brought in by ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
CLAUDIUS
Well, young Hamlet, what do you have to say for yourself?
HAMLET
It's a fair cop; I done it alright.
CLAUDIUS
Now, Hamlet, where s Polonius?
HAMLET
At supper.
CLAUDIUS
At supper? Where?
HAMLET
Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. A certain convocation of politic worms are eatin' at
him.
CLAUDIUS
Hamlet, your bloody metaphors are beginning to become a bit disgusting. Don't you think?
HAMLET
Right. Sorry. I do get carried away with them.
CLAUDIUS
Hamlet, I'm sending you to England right away until all this blows over.
HAMLET
I've always wanted to see England. Thank you, Sire. Perhaps I'll get the chance to ride a
camel.
CLAUDIUS
(to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILBENSTERN)
Go with him, lads, and be sure to write.
ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, sire.
GUILDENSTERN
Shall we go, lord Hamlet?
HAMLET
Let's. Could I sit by the window on the boat?
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
Over our dead bodies.
HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ and GUTLIJENSTERN exit.
GERTRUDE
Oh dear. I hope he gets off before Laertes hears about all this.
CLAUDIUS
Laertes...Yes, I had quite forgotten about him. He could make a nasty scene about this affair.
Might even blame me...Leave me now, Gertrude. I must-GERTRUDE
I know, talk to yourself. Claudius, I do hope you're not coming down with whatever Hamlet
has.
GERTRUDE exits. CLAUDIUS scribbles something on a piece of paper, reads.
CLAUDIUS
And England, if my love thou hold'st at aught--as my great power thereof may give thee
sense--slay Hamlet...Do it England! For like the hectic in my blood he rages, and thou must
cure me. Do it! Let a camel run him over. I don't care how you do it, but do it!
GERTRUDE
(entering briefly)
Finished soliloquizing, dear?
CLAUDIUS
Yes. Quite. Coming Gertrude.
CLAUDIUS exits after GERTRUDE.
Act II, scene ii. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. GERTRUDE is sitting on her throne on the
top platform. HORATIO enters from downstage and bows, then stands straight.
HORATIO
The lady Ophelia, your majesty.
GERTRUDE
I will not speak with her.
HORATIO
She is importunate, indeed distract. Her mood will needs be pitied. 'Twere good she were
spoken with, for she may strew dangerous conjectures in ill-breeding minds.
GERTRUDE
(reluctantly)
Let her come in.
HORATIO exits downstage after bowing. OPHELIA enters. She seems to be wearing the same
white slip seen earlier on the PLAYER QUEEN. OPHELIA has weeds and flowers in her hair
and in her hands. She strews the stage with these plants. She is not well.
OPHELIA
Hello Hello Hello. Where is the beautious majesty of Denmark?
GERTRUDE
(concerned for OPHELIA's sanity) How now, Ophelia?
OPHELIA
How now, brown cow? I shall sing now. (sings)
Oh, I'm as corny as Kansas in August,
High as the flag on the Fourth of July,
And if you'll excuse an expression I use,
I'm in love with a wonderful guy!
GERTRUDE
You mean Hamlet? Alas, sweet lady, what imports this song?
OPHELIA
Sorry, wrong song...(sings)
He is dead and gone, lady.
He is dead and gone.
At his head a grass—green turf,
At his heels a stone."
GERTRUDE
How did the other one go?
OPHELIA
(singing)
I'm as corny as-GERTRUDE
(singing)
Kansas in August..."
OPHELIA and GERTRUDE
(singing)
High as the flag on the Fourth of July.
And if you'll excuse an expression I use,
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love.
I'm in love with a wonderful guy!
CLAUDIUS
(entering from upstage)
What's all this then?
GERTRUDE
Merely singing show tunes, milord.
CLAUDIUS
Oh Gertrude, Gertrude. When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.
First her father slain, next your son gone, and now Rogers and Hammerstein!
There is a noise offstage. OPHELIA hides behind CLAUDIUS.
GERTRUDE
Alack, what noise is this?
LAERTES enters downstage, his sword drawn. OPHELIA, behind CLAUDIUS, thrusts her
arms underneath those of the king. CLAUDIUS, seeing he has too many arms, folds his
behind his back.
LAERTES
(angrily)
Where is this king?
CLAUDIUS
Laertes, what a pleasant surprise!
LAERTES
(beginning to ascend the levels, his sword pointed at the king)
0 vile king, give me my father.
GERTRUDE
Calmly, good Laertes.
LAERTES
Where is my father?
CLAUDIUS
Sort of...dead.
GERTRUDE
But not by him.
LAERTES
Who then?
CLAUDIUS
It was Ham——(GERTRUDE's hand covers CLAUDIUS' mouth.)
GERTRUDE
That's right, Laertes. It was ham. He choked on a ham sandwich.
LAERTES
A ham sandwich?
OPHELIA, still behind CLAUDIUS, sneezes.
LAERTES
How now. What noise is that?
OPHELIA
(stepping from behind CLAUDIUS)
How now, brown cow?
She tries to decorate LAERTES with flowers.
LAERTES
Oh heat, dry up my brains! 0 heavens, is it possible a young maid's wits should be as mortal
as an old man's——(OPHELIA stuffs a rose stem in his mouth. His speech is muffled.)——
life. (OPHELTA pulls the stem from his mouth in a hard yank. He has a delayed reaction) All
this from--Ow! And all this from an errant ham sandwich? Oh fie on that foul comestible!
OPHELIA
(tickling LAERTES face with the blossom of the rose)
It was Lord Hamlet did our father in, dear brother.
LAERTES
(enraged)
Lord Hamlet?!
GERTRUDE
It was an accident.
LAERTES
An accident! How?
CLAUDIUS
He stabbed your father in the arras!
LAERTES
Bloody pervert!
GERTRUDE
Thought he was a rat, you know.
LAERTES
A rat?
GERTRUDE
Well, he did say "Oops".
LAERTES
Oops?" "Oops?" "Oops", is it? I'll give him bloody "oops"! Where is he?
CLAUDIUS
Away in England. I sent him there.
LAERTES
Well, I'm sorry, but that's not punishment enough!
OPHELIA
(sings)
And will he not come again?
And will he not come again?
No, no he is dead--"
CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES
Would you shut up?
CLAUDIUS
My dear Gertrude, would you take poor Ophelia to her rooms. I shall comfort good Laertes
even here.
GERTRUDE
(rising)
Yes, good milord. Come, Ophelia, we'll sing elsewhere.
GERTRUDE and OPHELIA
(singing as they exit upstage, arm—in—arm)
I'm as corny as Kansas in August,
High as the flag on the Fourth of July,
And if you ll excuse an expression I use,
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love.
I m in love with a wonderful guy!
LAERTES
This is most monstrous!
CLAUDIUS
Really? I thought they were quite good.
LAERTES
Not them, Sire. I mean, my father's death. And I can do nothing.
HORATIC interrupts with messages.
CLAUDIUS
What is it. Horatio?
HORATIO
Letters, my lord, from Hamlet. This to your majesty and this to the queen.
He holds out his hand for a tip.
CLAUDIUS
Shall I have that hand cut off for you?
HORATIO
Er...No, Sire.
CLAUDIUS
Go then.
HORATIO
Yes, Sire.
HORATIO bows and exits.
CLAUDIUS
(reading his letter)
Bloody bastard!
LAERTES
A tip is customary, Your Majesty.
CLAUDIUS
It's bloody Hamlet. He's escaped. I sent him with a note for the King of England to have him
snuffed. So Hamlet reads it and offs my messengers Rosen...whatever and...You know, the
two Jewish chaps. And now he's coming back to Elsinore.
LAERTES
Bloody bastard!
CLAUDIUS
Laertes, was your father dear to you?
LAERTES
Was he dear to me? Was he dear to me? My father?! What a bloody stupid-CLAUDIUS
Just checking...When Hamlet returns from England, what would you undertake to show
yourself your father's son in deed more than in words?
LAERTES
To cut his throat in the church!
CLAUDIUS
Good lad! Just suppose I could arrange a fencing match with you and Hamlet.
LAERTES
What of it, Sire?
CLAUDIUS
Suppose I gave Hamlet a dull rapier and I gave you a nice pointy one.
LAERTES
Good show, milord. And I could annoint my rapier with a bit of poison.
CLAUDIUS
Good lad! And I could give Hamlet a goblet of poison wine when he's thirsty.
LAERTES
Marvelous!
CLAUDIUS
But hark, someone approaches.
GERTRUDE
(entering from upstage)
One woe doth tread upon another's heel. So fast they follow...Your sister's drowned, Laertes.
CLAUDIUS
Oops.
LAERTES
Drowned? Where?
GERTRUDE
There is a willow grows 'slant a brook that shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream. There
with fantastic garlands did she-CLAUDIUS
Yes, yes, my dear. We get your drift.
GERTRUDE
But there's more.
CLAUDIUS
We ll hear it later.
GERTRUDE
It's my only bleeding monologue.
LAERTES
Alas, then she is drowned?
GERTRUDE
(as if reading the words)
Drowned. Drowned.
LAERTES
(melodramatically)
Too much of water hast thou, poor Ophelia, and therefore I forbid my tears-GERTRUDE
He gets his bloody monologue. It's not fair, milord.
LAERTES
Adieu, my lord. I have a speech of fire!
LAERTES exits with a flourish of his sword.
GERTRUDE
Oh "speech of fire", that's nice. But what do I get? Nothing, that's what.
CLAUDIUS
Let's follow, Gertrude. How much I had to do to calm his rage. Now fear I this will give it
start again. Therefore, let's follow.
GERTRUDE
Bloody men get all the good lines.
GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS exit after LAERTES. We then hear GERTRUDE offstage.
GERTRUDE
Don't you touch me!
Act II, scene iii. A trap door is open at the uppermost platform to represent a grave. A few
headstones surround the hole. Inside the grave a circus CLOWN is digging, piling dirt on the
surface level. The CLOWN sings.
CLOWN
(singing)
Oh, I'm as corny as Kansas in August,
High as the flag on the Fourth of July...
HAMLET and HORATIO enter from upstage.
HAMLET
(to CLOWN)
I say, whose grave is this, sirrah?
CLOWN
My name isn't Sarah, milord.
HAMLET
Of course it isn't.
CLOWN
It's 'ortense.
HAMLET
I see...
CLOWN
Named after me father.
HAMLET
Anyway, whose grave is it?
CLOWN
Mine, sir.
HAMLET
(aside to HORATIO)
Now for some witty banter. (to CLOWN) I think it be thine indeed, thou liest in't.
CLOWN
You lie out on't, sir, and therefore 'tis not yours. For my part, I do not lie in't, yet it is mine.
HAMLET
Listen to this, Horatio. (to CLOWN) Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine. 'Tis for the
dead, not for the quick, therefore, thou liest.
CLOWN
'Tis a quick lie, sir.
HAMLET
Quick lye"; get it, Horatio?
HORATIO
(first laughing, then confused)
No I don't...
HAMLET
(to CLOWN)
What man dost thou dig it for?
CLOWN
For no man, sir.
HAMLET
What woman, then?
CLOWN
For none neither.
HAMLET
Who is to be buried in't?
CLOWN
One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead.
HAMLET
I'll get him this time, Horatio. (to CLOWN) Tell me, knave, how do you steam a clam?
CLOWN
A clam, sir? That I know not.
HAMLET
(to HORATIO)
I've got him where I want him. (to CLOWN) Why, make fun of his religion, that's how!
(laughs)
HORATIO
Good one, milord!
HAMLET
(to CLOWN)
Match wits with me, will you? Prithee, what have you there?
CLOWN
A skull, sir, that hath lain in the earth three and twenty years.
HAMLET
Whose was it?
CLOWN
(holding out the skull)
Whose do you think it was?
HAMLET
Nay, I know not.
CLOWN
Oh guess...
HORATIO
Good milord, shouldn't we be getting along with the plot. It's rather late now.
CLOWN
All right then; it's Yorick's skull, the king's jester.
HAMLET
Let me see. (Takes the skull.)
HORATIO
We ll never finish this play.
CLOWN
Let him have his little speech, sir. What s the ‘arm?
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He
hath borne me on his back a thousand times... Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft... (kisses skull) Horatio?
HORATIO
Aye, milord?
HAMLET
I think I'm going to be quite ill. (Gives skull to CLOWN.)
CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES enter from downstage in solemn procession behind
two familiar courtiers who carry OPHELIA s body, a white bundle tangled with river plants
and dripping wet. The CLOWN climbs out of the grave and exits.
HAMLET
But soft awhile. Here comes the king, the queen, the courtiers.
HORATIO
Oh my!
HAMLET
Who is this they carry?
HORATIO
I fear it is the soggy corpse of the Lady Ophelia, milord.
HAMLET
Ophelia's snuffed it?
HORATIO
I fear so, my prince.
HAMLET
Couch we awhile, and mark.
HORATIO
Come again, milord?
HAMLET
Let's hide and listen, Horatio.
HORATIO
Oh.
HAMLET and HORATIO hide on the edge of the set as the funeral procession reaches the
grave site. The courtiers lower OPHELIA into the grave.
GERTRUDE
Sweets to the sweet. Farewell. (scatters flowers over the coffin)
LAERTES
0, treble woe fall ten times treble on that cursed head whose wicked ingenious sense deprived
thee of! Hold off the earth have caught her once mare in mine arms. (leaps in the grave,
making a big sloshing sound) Sorry. (then over—dramatically) Now pile your dust upon the
glick and dead till of this flat mountain you have made to o'ertop old Pelion or the skyish head
of blue Olympus.
HAMLET
What the devil is he talking about?
HORATIO
Bugger if I know, milord.
HAMLET
So he thinks he can beat me at overacting, does he? (shouts) This is I, Hamlet the Dane!
A dog barks offstage.
ALL
Shut up!
HAMLET leaps into the grave, also making a big sloshing sound.
HAMLET
(to OPHELIA)
Sorry.
LAERTES
Devil take thy soul!
LAERTES and HAMLET grapple in the grave.
GERTRUDE
Hamlet! Hamlet!
LAERTES
Stop treading on my sister!
HAMLET
Well, there's not much room in here, is there?
GERTRUDE
(boldly upstaging everyone)
This is mere madness; and thus a while the fit will work on him. Anon, as patient as the
female dove when that her go1den couplets are disclosed, his silence will sit drooping.
CLAUDIUS
What the devil is she talking about?
GERTRUDE
You see? I can be as verbose and obscure as anybody.
HAMLET
(climbing from grave)
Let Hercules himself do what he may, the cat will mew, and dog will have his day. (to
GERTRUDE) So can I, Mother. So can I!
HAMLET exits followed by HORATIO.
CLAUDIUS
Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.
LAERTES
Beg pardon, could someone give me a bit of a lift?
CLAUDIUS grasps LAERTES hand to pull him from the grave and whispers to him.
CLAUDIUS
Are you up to doing in Hamlet?
LAERTES
(almost leaping out)
Where is he? I'll-CLAUDIUS
(whispering)
Not in front of the Queen. (then loudly) let's get on with it, then! Gravedigger!
Everyone exits except CIAUDTUS and LAERTES. The CLOWN re-enters at CIAUDIUS'
bidding and shovels some dirt into the grave.
LAERTES
You're getting her all dirty. (aside as he exits) Bloody cheap king. Can't afford a bleeding
casket.
CLAUDIUS
(to CLOWN)
Go on, then. Plant her before dark.
There is a sudden blackout. In the dark we hear CLAUDIUS complaining to the CLOWN.
CLAUDIUS
In the grave, not my bloody shoes!
CLOWN
Sorry.
CLAUDIUS and ClOWN exit in the dark.
Act II, Scene iv. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. HAMLET and HORATIO enter.
HORATIO
To show there are no hard feelings between yourself and yoimg Laertes, milord, the king
wishes you to fence a friendly bout before the entire court. But I fear he will best you
woefully with his champion skill at swordplay.
HAMLET
I do not think so. Since Laertes went into France I have been in continual practice.
On the word "practice" HAMLET pulls his sword from its scabbord, but in one continous
motion slings it into the wings of the stage.
HORATIO
(concerned with this clumsiness)
If your mind dislikes anything, obey it. I will forestall their repair hither and say you are not
fit.
HAMLET, waxing philosophical and noble, steps downstage for a brief speech.
HAMLET
Not a whit, we defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be
now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now, if it be not now, yet it will come.
The readiness is all. Since no man of aught he leaves knows, what is't to leave betimes? Let
be.
HORATIO applauds.
HORATIO
A beautiful speech, my lord...What the Hell does it mean?
HAMLET
(thoughtfully)
I haven't the foggiest.
A table with foils is brought in by the two courtiers, "E" and "S", who then bow and exit.
CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES enter. GERTRUDE sits on her throne.
CLAUDIUS
(standing HANLET and LAERTES)
Come, Hamlet, take his hand.
HAMLET
(turning away, arms crossed)
I will not.
GERTRUDE
Please, Hamlet...
HAMLET
(reluctantly enough)
Oh all right. (grasps IAERTES hand) I am sorry, Laertes. I was so frightfully rude at your
sister's funeral.
LAERTES
(through clinched teeth)
Not a bit, old chap. I quite understand.
The handshake continues and evolves into an arm wrestling match, each man tryiing to put
the other off balance.
HAMLET
And I really must apologize for driving poor Ophelia to madness.
LAERTES
(gritting his teeth)
I'm sure you did not mean to do so, milord.
The pushing intensifies.
HAMLET
And mistaking your father for a rat, how embarrassing! Still, I don't think he suffered long. Of
course, he would have died in ten years or so anyway.
LAERTES increases the pressure.
LAERTES
(suddenly releasing)
Quite possibly, milord.
HAMLET falls on his posterior.
CLAUDIUS
Are you quite ready, Laertes?
LAERTES growls affirmatively.
LAERTES
Let us choose foils, my Lord Hamlet. (claps twice)
"E" steps forward with an armful of foils. LAERTES pretends to try a few and settles on a
certain one whose tip he eyes keenly and then seems to chalk it like a pool cue with a small
bag he acquires from the folds of his clothing. HAMLET motions to "E" and takes the entire
bundle.
HAMLET
(swinging the bundle like so many baseball bats)
These foils have all a length? (slings one into the wings, a man screams) Sorry. (gives all but
one to a frightened "E") This likes me well.
HAMLET swipes the foil about and "E" ducks.
CLAUDIUS
Set me the stoups of wine upon the table. ("S" exits) If Hamlet give the first or second hit,
("S" returns with a goblet and a pitcher on a tea trolley.) or quit in answer of the third
exchange, let all the battlements their ordinance fire, the King shall drink to Hamlet's better
breath, and in the cup an union shall he throw, (picks up goblet) richer than that (raises goblet)
which four successive kings in Denmark's crown have worn. (as though toasting) And let the
kettle to the trumpet speak, the trumpet to the cannoneer without, then cannons to the
heavens, the heavens to earth-HAMLET
(impatient)
Are you finished?
CLAUDIUS
(to "E" and "S")
Come begin. And you judges, bear a wary eye. (sets down goblet)
HAMLET
(en guard)
Come on, sir.
LAERTES
Come, my lord.
They fence and HAMLET touches LAERTES in the rear with his foil.
HAMLET
Touche.
LAERTES
No...
HAMLET
Judgement? (to "E") What say you, good Extraneous?
EXTRANEOUS
Oh...A hit, a very palpable hit.
LAERTES
(on his guard)
Well, again.
CLAUDIUS
(to "S")
Stay! Superfluous, give me drink.
SUPERFLUOUS pours wine into the goblet and serves it to CLAUDIUS.
HAMLET
Bloody sot.
CLAUDIUS
(holding a pearl between finger and thumb)
Hamlet, this pearl is thine (drops pearl in goblet, raises goblet above his head). Here's to thy
health. (pretends to drink) Ahhh. Yum. (licks his lips) Give him the cup.
SUPERFLUOUS steps forward to receive the goblet.
HAMLET
I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile. (to LAERTES) Come.
HAMLET and LAERTES fence. CLAUDIUS motions SUPERFLUOUS to take the wine away
to the tea cart. SUPERFLUOUS does so. HAMLET touches LAERTES once more in a
buttock.
HAMLET
Another hit. What say you?
LAERTES
A touch, a touch; I do confess't.
CLAUDIUS
(to GERTRUDE)
Our son shall win.
HAMLET is en guarde, but relaxes his stance to take his argument to CLAUDIUS.
HAMLET
Her son and your nephew! (starts back toward LAERTES.)
CLAUDIUS
And stepson.
HAMLET
All right. All right. Stepson. En guarde, Laertes!
They fence.
GERTRUDE
He's fat and scant of breath.
HAMLET
This is not the time for that, Mother. (aside) Even she's noticed that my flesh is too too solid.
GERTRUDE
(rises, approaches tea trolley)
Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows. (takes up the goblet to CLAUDIUS horror) The
Queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.
CLAUDIUS
Gertrude, do not drink!
GERTRUDE
I will, my lord; I pray you pardon me. (drinks)
CLAUDIUS
Oops.
GERTRUDE gestures, offering the goblet to HAMLET.
HAMLET
Mother, I'm not thirsty yet. I'm fencing now.
GERTRUDE
Come let me wipe thy face.
HAMLET
Mother, would you please just let me fence!
GERTRUDE
Well pardon me for living, I'm sure... (becomes faint) Hamlet!
HAMLET
Mother, don't you think you're being just a wee bit over-dramatic?
LAERTES
(aside to CIAUDIUS)
My lord, I'll hit him now.
CLAUDIUS
Not yet.
HAMLET
Come, Laertes, fence.
They fence. LAERTES wounds HAMLET slightly. HAMLET attacks IAERTES in anger. En a
clinch tney drop their swords, scuffle and end up exchanging foils. They fence with a newly
manic intensity until HAMLET runs LAERTES through--the groin. They almost freese in this
position.
CLAUDIUS
Part them. They are incensed.
HAMLET pulls out the foil with the pop of a champagne cork. HAMLET stands en guarde as
IAERTES stands there in pain.
HAMLET
Come, again. (GERTRUDE falls.)
LAERTES
Never again...Look to the queen there, ho!
HAMLET
Oh no. You won't catch me with that old trick, Laertes. Besides, I happen to know Ho is
nowhere near the castle tonight.
LAERTES falls to his knees.
LAERTES
As a woodcock to mine own springe, I am justly killed with mine own treachery.
HAMLET
Similes to the end... (sees GERTRUDE hunched on the floor) How does the queen?
CLAUDIUS
(evasively)
How does the queen do what?
HAMLET
I seem to remember that I'm miffed at you about something, Uncle. Now what's she about?
CLAUDIUS
She swoons at the bleeding.
GERTRUDE
(chokingly)
No, no, the drink, the drink! 0 my dear Hamlet!
HAMLET
She's swallowed your bloody pearl! I ought to-GERTRUDE
The drink, the drink! I am poisoned. (dies)
HAMLET
Poisoned! O villainy! Ho, let the door be locked!
LAERTES
I thought you said Ho was nowhere near the castle tonight.
HAMLET
Enough, Laertes. I'm beginning to lose my temper!
LAERTES
Hamlet, thou art slain; no medicine in the world can do thee good. In thee there is not half an
hour's life. The treacherous instrument is in thy hand unbated and envenomed.
HAMLET
(eyeing the tip of his foil)
The point envenomed too?
LAERTES
The king...the king's to blame... (dies)
HAMLET
Oh, that really does it! No more beating around the bush! I'm really quite mad now!
CLAUDIUS
(backing away)
Now Hamlet...Son...
HAMLET
Nephew!...Now poison, do thy work!
HAMLET corners CLAUDIUS with his foil in one hand and, taking the goblet in his other
hand, pours wine down CIADDIUS' throat while simultaneously running him through with the
sword.
CLAUDIUS
Stepson.
HAMLET
Neph—(CLAUDIUS dies.) Bugger! (raising his foil above his head) This is I, Hamlet the
Dane!
A dog barks offstage.
HAMLET
Right. (exits in a huff, then from backstage) And I've had enough of you too, doggy!
VOICE
No, please!
We hear the dog yelp pittifully. HAMLET re—enters. Looking at everyone left alive on stage,
he growls and chases them offstage. Then he notices the audience for the first time. He steps
toward a member of the audience.
HAMLET
And you! What are you looking at! I ought to...I will!
HAMLET seems to go for the person in the audience. There is a blackout and then a scream.
***THE END***