Hinde Burstin

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Hinde Burstin
Dis be de Gay Multicultural Festival? Yes? Good. Because I is multicultural. But I needing
some help to be feeling a bissele Gay. I tell you vhy. In de moment I’m feeling very blue. I
gotta tell you about it. Nu if you’re gonna help so ve shouldn’t be strangers, right. I got you
know vun beautiful granddaughter Faygele vot did put earrink in der nose. Meshugie. Since
den she doesn’t got even vun boyfriend. Terrible. Is very long time now. Ven I asking her
Faygele, vots happening on de boyfriend front, she saying to me, Bubba, I needing de
boyfriend like I needing da hole in da head. Nu Faygele I sayink, if you doesn’t needink da
hole in da head, vhy you did put de hole in de nose? Ken no Bubba she sayink, is like dis. I
don’t vont no boyfriend, I don’t need no boyfriend, I don’t got no boyfriend end of story.
End of story is end of story! Best not to push. I vill ask her anudder times. Meanviles I
realising I couldv mineself been a schadhen to finding for mine Faygele a boychick. I know
mine Faygele vudn’t be looking tvice on a man vots veering de suit mit de tie. So I choosing
for her vun man vots selling de Green Left Veekly, vun man vots a fortune teller on Acland
Street, I even finding vun nice Jewish plumber vot did put earrink in the ear. Sot gornisht
gehlfen. Didn’t help nuttink. I becomink the de laughing stocking from all mine friends. Den
allit sudden vun day ven is getting togedder de korten spieler to playing gin rummy, is saying
Mrs Piske, mine friends, I got some vunderful news, I plutzing to tell you. She porink for
everyvun de glass Cherry Advocat and she sayink, tonight ve drinkink a Lechaim on
Faygele’s new boyfriend. I tell you I vos valking down Acland Street looking for a bissele
cake and I spying in a café holding hands mit a very handsome man. Dis I got to hearink
from Mrs Piske? Vhy Faygele didn’t tell me? Must be a mistake. So I asking Mrs Piske, Nu
my Faygele did maybe tellink you de name from dis very handsome man? Saying Mrs Piske,
sure Faygele introducing us. She saying de man being Mr Deb like de mashed potato. I was
tinking vos de Immigration Apartment changing de name from Debinski ven de family
comink to Australia.
Now I understanding. I asking tell me Mrs Piske, Faygele vos saying de man is called Mr
Deb or just Deb? Mrs Piske tinking a minute and she sayink now you mentioning it, could be
she vos just sayink Deb. Of course she vos just sayink Deb. Dat’s not short from Debinski,
dat’s short from Deborah. Dat not de boyfriend, dat de flatmate from Faygele. Dey’re livink
togedder many years. Emess mit de short hair she looking a bissele like a mans. But mainly
dats today de fashion short hair. But I svear she a vomans and a very nice girl too. Schoin.
Soon after is de korten speiler busy mit some new news. De granddaughter from Mrs
Feintuch vot doesn’t even got a husband is getting de baby. Gehert a micey? Vos such a
scandall but vhen is comink de baby a little girls vots screamink just like Mrs Feintuch is
everybody kvelling and schepping nachas. De forgetttink is no husband. Mrs Feintuch
tinking now she be de Qveen. She sayink on me, must be terrible to seeink dat is not comink
de new generations to realisink dat after everything ve surviving is going to die out de family.
I doesn’t know vot to say so I just tellink her look de baby did make vomit on your blouse.
Anyvay I starting tinking. If can be some modern Mrs Feintuch den for sure can I beink
modern too. If Faygele doesn’t vont a husband is no scandall so long she getting de baby vill
be plenty nachas. But how she gettink de baby I don’t know? Den all of sudden out from de
blue ven I votching Sale of de Centoory is comink a news flash dat is been a big court case
about de sperm bank. Can you believe dis capitalist country? De got banks for everythink.
De even got de bank for de sperm. In de news flash de saying dat vos vun girl making
application to de Supremes Court for de single girls got de right to usink de sperm bank and
in a mazzeldikie show she vinnink. So now all de single girls dey got de right to open de
account in de sperm bank. I so excited I ringing straight away mine Faygele and I inviting her
for lunch. I making all her favourite foods. I making borscht mit kreplach, I making lattkes, I
even making lockshen kugel and I making gefilte fish. Nu. Havink a baby is hard vork.
After ve eating de beautiful food I saying Faygele is time to talking business. I vont to be a
great grandmudder. Faygele answering Bubba, you is a great grandmother, you de best
grandmudder. I sayink Faygele muh zach nischt narish, you know vot I mean. I vont you to
havink a baby. Vould be beautiful, and I got some news for you. Now you can gettink de
baby even before you gettink de boyfriend. I know vould be hard for you having on your own
a baby but I vill helping, I promise. And Deb, dat nice girl you living mit, she is so kind
hearted I sure she vonna be helping you mit de baby. Maybe she even be better dan de
husband.
Is answering Faygele for sure she be better dan de husband and for sure ve vonting to havink
a baby but I doesn’t tink is gonna vork not unless ve can keep findink a vay to going to New
South Vales. Oi Faygele I explaining to her. You doesn’t need go New South Vales, is de
sperm bank in Victoria. Oh Bubba she sayink I can’t explaing vhy ve gotta go to New South
Vales, is political. Nu Faygele I sayink, you forgettink I vos marching every 1st from May mit
de bund from de vorkers rights and ven I vorking in de factor I organising all de strikes.
Belief you me I understanding political. Is saying Faygele yes but dis be de politicians. Even
better I answering. In Australia is very simple de politicians. All der names is describing
dem. For an example ve got again de Prime Minister, him de call Mr How Hard, and vhy de
callink him dat, because since he coming to power how hard he makink our lives. Tanks.
And then ve got de President, him de calling Mr Push, vhy, because he push into every
country. And ven Mr Push sayink push, Mr How Hard asking How Hard? So dats how its
vorking in Australia. To havink de Prime Minister and de President. Den ve got de
Treasurer. Him day callink Mr Costalot. Vhy, because since they bringink in de GST is
everyting costalot. Same ting mit de Victoria politics. Before ve havink Mr Kennett and vhy
day callink him dat. Because ven he in power ve Kennett have money for schools, ve Kennett
have money for hospitals, ve cannot have money for anythink. And now ve got Mr Bracks.
And vhy de callink him dat. Because he Bracks all his promises. You see Faygele I
understandink de politicians so vot be de problem.
Faygele sayink de problem be de politicians make discrimination. Dey doesn’t let us using de
sperm bank. Dey saying ve is not de kind of people vot should havink babies. Faygele
looking very sad and I gettink sad too because I seeing dat after all I doesn’t understand
Australian politics.
After Faygele leaving I stooding a long time kviet tinkink. First I tinkink I can’t believe day
got again de law vot doesn’t let de Jews using de banks. Den I tinkink, I vos running half vay
around de vorld to get avay from people vots tinking like dat and den I tinking vhy I sad. I
should be mad from dis oppression. I gonna fight dem all de vay. So I’m asking my friend
Zosia to helping me writing a letter to Mr How Hard. Zosia writing very good English
because her daughter is a school teacher. Vere writing togedder vun beautiful letter. Here I
reading it to you. Vun minute I just get from my bag. OK. Good.
Dear Mr Prime Minister (you gotta be formal you know)
How you doing? Vots news by your family? By me is everythink good. Just vun little
problem. I vont to be spending mine last years on earth mit my great grandchild in Australia,
de beautiful country vere I been makink mine home. Australia been a long time mine home.
I doesn’t vont to tell you how I come to be in dis country because I know you not liking very
much de refugees. You not even liking very much de immigrants which I not really
understandink. Between you and me you is not Aboriginal so must be you is an immigrants
or vos your parents or deir parents, Nu so lets talking vun immigrant to denuder.
Since I comink here I been livink in dis country. Vos a good place for me. Sure some people
alvays sayink on me bloody foreigner, or go back to vere you’re comink from, but since
Vhitlam make dis be official multicultural country is everytink fine. De policies from de
government, de treatink de Jews like everyone else. Or dats vot I vos tinking. Now I learning
dat is be here discrimination and de Jews can’t usink de sperm bank and I can’t getting de
great granddaughter. Dis law making you look like a miserable anti Semit. Is better you
speaking right avay mit Commander Vanstone, she be de Minister against Immigration,
Indigenous and Multicultural Affairs, and you tellink her to changing straight avay de law.
Uddervise believe you me no vun can make trouble like an angry Bubba. Nu Mr Prime
Minister I vaitink for your answer kvickly and mit good results.
Kind regards
Mrs Galshtein.
PS Vots dis I hearink dat you still doesn’t say sorry. Vot a harpe and a shunde, you lookink
like de village idiot. Your poor mudder must be terribly ashamed from you. Be a mensch
already and saying sorry to de Aboriginal peoples.
Nu vot you tinking? Is a good letter? Oh tank you tank you. I send avay de letter and I
vaiting and I vaiting. I vaiting a long time until I getting de answer from de Prime Minister
and ven de letter comink, it got so many hard vords it vos very difficult to readink. So
someone can come and readink for me de letter. Please? Come on somebody. Yes come
here you lookink like a nice girl. You sure can reading good English. Come and read for me.
Tanks. Have a seat, come on. You vont sometink to drink?
Office of the Prime Minister
Canberra
To Mrs Galshtein
3/25 Alfriston Street
St Kilda
Victoria
Dear Madam
Thank you for your letter regarding access to assisted reproductive technologies. Please note
that State governments are currently responsible for the regulating for the provision of donor
sperm. However I am pleased to advise you that Jews can access donor sperm provided they
meet the eligibility criteria that have been developed to uphold the sanctity of the family as
the fundamental basis of society. You will be pleased to note my Government will be
introducing legislation enabling State governments to exclude same sex couples from these
services as same sex couples do not make good parents.
Vait just vun minute. How he dare he sayink dis on same sex couples. Me and mine husband
Manny, may he rest in peaces, vas making 33 years every time de same sex. It’s not funny
it’s kvite tragic. Alright between you and me vos a bissele borink, but does dat mean ve not
be good parents? How dare dat fashtunkine Mr How Hard is sayink dat. Please readink
more.
In a rare show of foresight the Victorian Labor government does agree with me on this matter.
As this is at present still a State issue covered in Victoria under the Infertility Treatment Act
1995, please address any further concerns to Premier Bracks.
Your humble servant
John Howard.
Mine humble servant. Does de man even knowink how to voshing de dishes. A cholerie oif
em, tu tu tu. I gonna fight him all de vay I tell you vot. May all his teet falling out, just
staying vun so he can havink de toothache. I gonna make trouble for him and for Mr Bracks
too. I gonna be like de toothache.
So I phoning up Directory and I askink dem to put me through straight avay to Mr Bracks. Of
course I gettink de secretary. Tell me I askink him, you is de Labor Partie. Of course he
answerink, ve is Labor. Nu I askink. Den vhy doesn’t you let mine Faygele havink de
labour. You tell Mr Bracks dat it bracks mine heart his meshugina idea dat people vots
making dis same sex doesn’t got de same right for havink children like de people vots makink
de different sex.
He sayink to me, Oh I understand, I think is better you speak mit de Law deform
Commission, dey makink on this an enquiry and he givink me de telephone number. I
phoning de Law Deform Commission and I speaking der mit vun lady and I tellink her dat
mine grand daughter should have de same rights to open de account in de sperm bank like
everybody else. De lady askink me you tink ve should change de law for de social infertile?
I say of course you should change, is terrible to be socially infertile, I know, I is mineself.
Just because your government doesn’t let mine Faygele usink de sperm bank is ruined mine
whole social life. All mine friends is talking about me behind their backs. Den de lady
asking you tink de law should be de same for de medical and de social? I say feh, alright, de
grandchild doesn’t vont to study medicine, nu is not de end from de vorld. But ven de
grandchild cannot havink babies dat causing social problem.
So I talking mit her a long time and I tellink her she should change de law kvickly, very
kvickly. She sayink I must vaitink. Nuttink happenink kvickly. But I don’t vont to vait. Is
makink tick tock de logical clock. But vait, is gettink verse. Vun day is comink for lunch my
Faygele and I hear she talkink on de mobiles. She very cross. She sayink de government did
bring in a law vot say dat de same sex couple can’t even gettink married. Oi meshugah. A za
broch. How de government doesn’t knowink dat de same sex couple day be de lucky vuns.
After all is most married couple not havink any sex so vhy dey got de problem mit de same
sex? And den I hearing Faygele sayink I never vonted before to gettink married but now I
vonting to get married just to makink de point. I so excited. Dis de first time mine Faygele
talkink on gettink married. Between you and me being cross is not de best reason for getting
married but should I trowing avay mine vun opportunity to vearink a beautiful dress and
dancink all night and being de topic for discussion mit de korten speiler for all year? No vay
OK. But I see is not goink to be easy.
Ve got a big fight on our hands, dats vhy I comink to you. You lookink like nice people.
Maybe dressink a bissele funny but never mind. I sure you gonna help me. So here’s vot ve
gunna do. Vhen I countink to 3 I vont everybody put deir hand on deir heart and sayink
togedder, I promise to fight to change dis stupid law OK. You ready. Vun two tree. I
promise to fight to change this stupid law. Lounder I can’t hearink you, mit some passion,
please. Vun two tree. I promise to fight to change this stupid law. Beautiful. Now I feelink
really gay. I tell you if is gettink married my Faygele you is all invited and I promise to
dancink mit every single vun from you. And ven is gettink my Faygele a baby and I havink
de great grandchild, I promise I lettink you help me mit de babysittink.
Don’t forget to fightink.
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