The Funeral
Cast : Danny, Emma, Susan
Prop: A shoebox.
DANNY: Well, that was a lovely funeral.
EMMA: Funerals aren't lovely.
DANNY: I meant it was nice.
EMMA: Nice? This was the worst day of my life!
SUSAN: You know, you could replace him.
EMMA: Replace Fluffy?
SUSAN: Not immediately, but when the time is right.
EMMA: Susan, no hamster could ever replace Fluffy!
SUSAN: But isn't there enough love in your heart for another hamster?
EMMA: No! For two years I grew to love Fluffy more than I would've ever imagined. I mean, I
told Fluffy everything. All my problems, my hopes, my dreams ... Fluffy was the one
person in my life ...
DANNY: Uh, Emma ... Fluffy wasn't exactly a person.
EMMA: Fluffy was the one hamster in my life who truly understood me!
SUSAN: (Stifling a laugh) I don't mean to laugh, but did you just hear yourself?
DANNY: She's upset. Tomorrow will be a better day.
EMMA: "Tomorrow will be a better day"? Are you serious? Do you know how hard it's going to
be to wake up and look inside Fluffy's little cage and remember all over again that
Fluffy is dead?!
SUSAN: That's why I'm saying that you should replace him.
EMMA: And I'm telling you, Fluffy is not replaceable!
DANNY: Susan, maybe we should talk about this later.
EMMA: Do you know what I remember the most about him?
DANNY: What?
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EMMA: (Demonstrates.) All those times I held Fluffy in the palm of my hand, lifted him to my
face, and he would lick the tip of my nose. It was so sweet. Oh, Fluffy, I miss you so
much! My precious, precious Fluffy!
DANNY: Well, at least you won't have to clean his cage anymore.
EMMA: That was a mean thing to say!
DANNY: I was just trying to find something positive in the situation.
SUSAN: And you gave Fluffy the best life ever. You provided him, with food, fresh water, a
clean cage with lots of toys, and most importantly ... love!
EMMA: (Drops to her knees.) Oh, Fluffy! Oh, Fluffy, I miss you! (She hits her hands on the
ground.) How can I go on without you? (Wailing) Oh, Fluffy!
DANNY: Maybe this isn't a good time to give her our present.
SUSAN: No, I don't think so, either. Look at her!
DANNY: Well, we've got to do something!
SUSAN: OK. (Picks up nearby shoebox.) Emma, we got you something. (EMMA looks up.) It's a
present. We hope you like it.
EMMA: A present for me?
SUSAN: We thought this would help you feel better.
EMMA: (Sits up, wipes her tears, and takes the box.) Thank you. What is it? A miniature
headstone? Did you have it engraved for Fluffy?
DANNY: Just open it and look.
EMMA: (Opens the box, screams, then shuts it quickly.) I don't want this!
DANNY: We're just trying to help.
EMMA: Take this away!
SUSAN: But we can't take it back. The pet store doesn't take returns. It's some new policy they
have. No returns.
DANNY: Then what are we going to do with it? My mom won't let me keep it.
SUSAN: Neither will mine. I guess we can let it go. Maybe, just maybe, it can take care of itself.
DANNY: But won't one of the neighborhood cats get it?
SUSAN: Probably. But there's nothing else to do since Emma doesn’t want it (Kneels down and
opens the box.) Go on, little hamster. Go on. You can do it. You can survive in the
wilderness.
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EMMA: (Grabs the box.) Give that to me! This little baby hamster won't last one day out there!
SUSAN: But what else can we do? I know. Maybe if you give us your cage, we can find
someone who'll take it.
EMMA: I'm not giving away Fluffy's cage!
DANNY: It was just an idea.
SUSAN: Well, it can just live in this uncomfortable shoebox until we find it a new home. Emma,
do you think I could borrow some food so the baby doesn't get hungry?
DANNY: (Looking inside the box) Poor thing. It does look hungry.
SUSAN: Probably starving. I don't think they treat the hamsters very well at that pet store. Poor
little thing.
DANNY: I wonder if it's a boy or a girl? It's cute. Can I hold him? Or her?
EMMA: No, too many strange hands are not good for a hamster. I think it's a boy like Fluffy.
Oh, he does look hungry. Are you hungry, little guy? You are? Well, let's go get you
something to eat. And how about a soft little bed, too? I have this cage that you would
love. It's even got a little wheel for you to play on. Yes, Yes, I know. Mama's going to
take care of the baby. (She exits.)
DANNY: "Mama"?
SUSAN: Well, it worked. (They high five.) She completely forgot about Fluffy.
DANNY: Well, let's just hope this one lives for a long, long time!
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